Cornell Notes Pronouns: Fill & Download for Free

Test of English as a Foreign Language (TOEFL) is a standardised test to measure the English Language proficiency of non-native speakers to get enrolled in Foreign Universities, where English is considered as a basic criterion for admissions. It is conducted by the Educational Testing Service (ETS) - a US-based non-profit organisation. This test aims at evaluating the candidate’s English language proficiency and how well one can use it in daily life conversation, considering university atmosphere.TOEFL is one of the most sought after tests, for students intending to get into foreign universities for higher studies. Many universities abroad, have English language proficiency as one of their criteria for admission. For the non-native speakers, it is mandatory to furnish a certificate of English language proficiency, awarded by any registered testing centre..TOEFL is a comprehensive test, which involves all the aspects of communication - speaking, reading, writing and listening skills. It consists of 4 sections, each section aiming to assess different language skills.TOEFL scores are considered completely free from bias due to multiple human raters and the identity of the candidate is kept hidden from the evaluators to avoid any kind of biases towards them.Scores of this test accepted in most of the highly reputed universities abroad. Taking this test can be a life-changing event for candidates, as it eases the process of admission in top colleges in foreign countries, which otherwise could be difficult and complicated.All the sections are related to the university and academic discussions. Thus, candidates are advised to read, watch or listen to academic lectures, discussions, proceedings which might help them to inculcate analytical thinking.The listening section involves questions that are aimed to test the candidate’s listening and comprehending ability. In this section, the candidate can take notes as the matter is lengthy and might be difficult to remember all at once.Note-taking is another skill, which requires patience and practice . One cannot directly depend on note-taking on the day of the test without prior practice as it requires intricacies to be noted down precisely.Note-taking can be improved by consistent efforts and practice. Candidates attempting this test need to understand the importance of mastering the art of note-taking as it is a key to score well in this test. One can improve this skill by listening to academic lectures while preparing and noting down important cues from which, one can summarise the entire lecture heard.The process of note-taking is simple, yet tricky. One can develop tricks based on one’s own experience while practising. One can use the shorthand method to jot down points quickly in less time.One needs to make sure that he/she has had enough practise before the actual test in order to be confident enough in the note-taking activity.Note-taking can help the candidates remember and summarise the plot better rather than just memorising the entire lecture, which is quite long.One can use different methods of note-taking available like outline method, Cornell, charting, mapping etc. It is best if one uses a combination of methods that are most appropriate.Avoid noting down the entire sentence which is of no use to you. Note down only those words that act as cues to develop the main concept.Do not note the whole sentence with conjunctions, pronouns, adjectives and all the other words used just to frame the accurate sentence. Remember to focus only on words that are important.Use symbols, abbreviations that you have developed or are familiar with.Write in legible handwriting so that you don’t struggle to read what you have written.Be an active listener and try to be quick in analysing the core idea of the discussion so that you can note important points effectively.When using note-taking in TOEFL, it is advisable to know the context as the entire discussion is academic in nature, which narrows down the key areas to focus.

These tips came from the best writing professor I ever had: a short, stern Jesuit priest who was a journalist in Cambodia during the Vietnam War, and before that, a Green Beret. After he left the special forces, he went to Cornell to study journalism, and then went back to Southeast Asia to report on the conflict. Imagine the self-discipline that takes, and you will have a good picture of the man himself.My respect for him knows no bounds.I still keep this checklist on my desktop. Here it is, in case it helps you (and others) as much as it has helped me.Note to Moderators: I am posting it here verbatim, in block quotes, and take NO CREDIT for the below. So far as I am aware, it has never been published or distributed anywhere except for Boston College, where it is handed out like candy to incoming freshmen who have the fortune to take Fr. M’s class.Fr. M’s Writing Checklist.I. COMPOSING THE PAPER: from head to paper (subject, content, organization).1. Discuss the assignment with a classmate as soon as possible after the assignment is given. You know your classmates by name. Take advantage of it.2. Write an outline by hand. No matter how disorganized or jumbled, almost any outline will help. You think differently with a pen in hand than you do before a keyboard. Trust me on this: do the outline by hand! If writing an outline is pure torture for you, try walking around the reservoir and “talk” the outline aloud to yourself, as if you were giving a talk to a group of former high school classmates or younger siblings or cousins. Imagine an audience that knows nothing about this course. This forces you to keep it simple and make it clear.3. Introduction. Do not get hung up on it. Get right into the main topic or argument. Many good writers write their introduction last.4. Using the outline, write a rough draft. This, too, is best done by hand, but most of you will compose on a keyboard. If you do so, print out the rough draft and make revisions to your hard copy. Never do all your revisions onscreen. Please trust me on this! To revise adequately, you must be able to see more than one page at a time. (Hint: Look at the last paragraph of your rough draft. Do you have a sentence here—or maybe even a paragraph—that can serve as an introduction?)II. WRITING THE PAPER: from outline to rough draft (mechanics, format). When you finally do print out a copy, check the following:1. The paper is 8 by 11 inches with left and right margins of 1 inch and top and bottom margins of 6 inch. Both left and right margins are justified. ALL word processing software can do this. Ask if you need help.2. There is a single–spaced header on every page. It includes your name and the course and section number in the upper right–hand corner.3. Lines in the body of the paper are double–spaced.4. Font is 12 point, and it is something standard, such as Times Roman, rather than Courier.5. Page numbers are on the bottom of the page, centered.6. The paper is stapled in the upper left–hand corner.III. REVISING: from rough draft to final version (organization, style). Once you have what you think is a final copy, check the following:1. Does the introductory paragraph clearly and succinctly state the subject of your paper and your main argument? Avoid grand, universal statements: “Throughout human history...” or “This is the most interesting movie of the decade...” Such statements are usually unverifiable cliches and add nothing to your paper. You have not studied all of human history, nor have you seen all the movies of this decade, so why should the reader follow you down that path?2. Have you offered reasons to support your thesis, conclusion, or analysis. “Reasons” are statements that can be debated, analyzed, refuted or supported. Unlike personal opinions, reasons are not introduced with statements such as “I feel that...,” “I believe that...,” “Everyone knows that...,” “It is obvious that...,” etc.3. If the assignment asked a question, have you answered it? If asked, could you state why you chose to present your ideas in the particular order that the reader finds in your paper?4. Providing a description of a desired state of affairs—no matter how evocative—is not the same as analyzing, arguing, or providing reasons leading to a conclusion. Which have you done?5. Do the paragraphs flow well? Each paragraph should have one main idea and should proceed from the more general to the more specific. Repetitiveness is almost always due to a not well thought–out outline beforehand or insufficient revising and rewriting afterwards. Reading a draft aloud can often catch this.6. Prefer active to passive voice, concrete to abstract, and specific to vague language.7. Proofread the paper. Do not trust a spell or grammar checker on your computer. Beware of spelling errors, grammatical errors (especially noun and pronoun agreement, run-on sentences, sentence fragments), awkward phrases, colloquialisms, and cliches. Avoid contractions: write “it is” rather than “it’s.” Remember: the standard of clarity in academic writing is higher than in ordinary conversation or e–mail.8. Look at every single comma in the paper. Can you say why you used it?9. Look at every use of “and.” If you put a comma before “and,” is what follows a complete sentence? If not, do you have a run–on sentence or compound subject or verb? Ask the same question about “but,” “for,” “or,” “nor,” “yet,” and “still.”10. For any dash, colon, or semicolon, can you state why you preferred that to any other possible construction? (For first semester, use only periods and commas.)11. When you have finished, read the paper to yourself out loud. If it sounds awkward, revise and rewrite.12. Find the longest sentence in your essay? Can you read it straight through, slowly, without stopping to take a breath? If not, it must be revised. Repeat the process for the next longest sentence, and the next, etc.13. For any sentence beginning with a pronoun, can you name the referent?14. Have a classmate read the paper, putting a check mark before any sentence that had to be read twice to be understood. Each checked sentence must be rewritten. If you cannot get someone else to read it, read it out loud, in a monotone, to yourself. Why a monotone? Because that is how a reader’s mind works when reading silently: the page is silent, with only punctuation and syntax to suggest tone of voice and inflection. The goal is to achieve such clarity that a reader rereads a sentence to savor it, not to hunt for its meaning.15. Bring your outline and your rough draft to class with you when you hand in the final copy of your paper. In each class several students will be asked at random to hand in an outline and rough draft along with the final copy. This is a requirement of every writing assignment in this course. Bring an outline and rough draft to class! It makes absolutely no sense to write an outline and rough draft after your “final copy.” Using an outline and rough draft will save you time in the long run, and it will improve your writing. You may not enjoy the process, but you will be happy with the result.16. Always make a backup copy of your work on a separate disk.17. Two general, long–term suggestions that will help your writing: (a) turn off instant messenger, and (b) reread all emails before sending them. Yes, I am actually suggesting you write emails using complete sentences! Writing is a habit; good writing is the result of good habits.

Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Topic: Cycle of abuse. Page 1 of42- 2016/17Definition of Narcissism :Personality trait of excessive self loveNarcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism is a concept in psychoanalytic theory, which was popularly introduced in Sigmund Freud's essay On Narcissism (1914). The American Psychiatric Association has listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) since 1968, drawing on the historical concept of megalomania.Traits and signsLife is a stage, and when the curtain falls upon an act, it is finished and forgotten. The emptiness of such a life is beyond imagination.—Alexander Lowen describing the existence of a narcissist[5]Four dimensions of narcissism as a personality variable have been delineated: leadership/authority, superiority/arrogance, self-absorption/self-admiration, and exploitativeness/entitlement.[6]A 2012 book on power-hungry narcissists suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[7]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 2 of 42An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges Problems in sustaining satisfying relationshipsA lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)Difficulty with empathyProblems distinguishing the self from others (see personal boundaries)Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)Vulnerability to shame rather than guiltHaughty body languageFlattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply) Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)Using other people without considering the cost of doing so Pretending to be more important than they actually are Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements Claiming to be an "expert" at many thingsInability to view the world from the perspective of other peopleStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 3 of 42Denial of remorse and gratitudeThese criteria have been criticized because they presume a knowledge of intention (for example, the phrase "pretending to be").[8] Behavior is observable, but intention is not. Thus classification requires assumptions which need to be tested before they can be asserted as fact, especially considering multiple explanations could be made as to why a person exhibits these behaviors.Hotchkiss' seven deadly sins of narcissismHotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:[9]Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.[clarify]Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to "dump" shame onto others.Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may "reinflate" their sense of self- importance by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person or their achievements.Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of othersStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 4 of 42without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other person is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to thenarcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.Narcissistic personality disorderMain article: Narcissistic personality disorderNarcissistic personality disorder affects an estimated 1% of the general population.[10] [11] Although most individuals have some narcissistic traits, high levels of narcissism can manifest themselves in a pathological form as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), whereby the patient overestimates his or her abilities and has an excessive need for admiration and affirmation. A revision of NPD took place in the DSM-5. In this revision, NPD saw dramatic changes to its definition. The general move towards a dimensional (personality trait-based) view of the Personality Disorders has been maintained. Some narcissists may have a limited or minimal capability to experience emotions.[12]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 5 of 42A required element within normal developmentHealthy narcissism might exist in all individuals. Freud said that this is an original state from which the individual develops the love object.[qualify evidence] He argued that healthy narcissism is an essential part of normal development.[4] According to Freud, the love of the parents for their child and their attitude toward their child could be seen as a revival and reproduction of their own narcissism.[4] The child has an omnipotence of thought; the parents stimulate that feeling because in their child they see the things that they have never reached themselves. Compared to neutral observers, parents tend to overvalue the qualities of their child. When parents act in anextreme opposite style and the child is rejected or inconsistently reinforced depending on the mood of the parent, the self-needs of the child are not met.[citation needed] Freud contrasts the natural development of active-egoistic and passive-altruistic tendencies in the individual with narcissism, in the former, and what Trevor Pederson[13] refers to as echoism, in the latter.Empirical studiesWithin the field of psychology, there are two main branches of research into narcissism: (1) clinical and (2) social psychology.These two approaches differ in their view of narcissism, with the former treating it as a disorder, thus as discrete, and the latter treating it as a personality trait, thus as a continuum. These two strands of research tend loosely to stand in a divergent relation to one another, although they converge in places.Campbell and Foster (2007)[22] review the literature on narcissism. They argue thatStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 6 of 42narcissists possess the following "basic ingredients":Positive: Narcissists think they are better than others.[23]Inflated: Narcissists' views tend to be contrary to reality. In measures that compare self- report to objective measures, narcissists' self-views tend to be greatly exaggerated.[24]Agentic: Narcissists' views tend to be most exaggerated in the agentic domain, relative to the communion domain.[clarification needed][23][24]Special: Narcissists perceive themselves to be unique and special people.[25]Selfish: Research upon narcissists' behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case for narcissists as being selfish.[26]Oriented toward success: Narcissists are oriented towards success by being, for example, approach oriented.[clarification needed][27]arcissistic supplyMain article: Narcissistic supplyNarcissistic supply is a concept introduced into psychoanalytic theory by Otto Fenichel in 1938, to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem.[34] The term is typically used in a negative sense, describing a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration in codependents and the orally fixated, that does not take into account the feelings, opinions or preferences of other people.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 7 of 42Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injuryMain article: Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injuryNarcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury, which is a perceived threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or self-worth. Narcissistic injury (or narcissistic scar) is a phrase used by Sigmund Freud in the 1920s; narcissistic wound and narcissistic blow are further, almost interchangeable terms.[35] The term narcissistic rage was coined by Heinz Kohut in 1972. Narcissistic rage occurs on a continuum from instances of aloofness, and expression of mild irritation or annoyance, to serious outbursts, including violent attacks.[36] Narcissistic rage reactions are not limited to personality disorders and may be also seen in catatonic, paranoid delusion and depressiveepisodes.[36] It has also been suggested that narcissists have two layers of rage. The first layer of rage can be thought of as a constant anger (towards someone else), with the second layer being a self-aimed wrath.[37]Narcissistic defencesMain article: Narcissistic defencesNarcissistic defences are those processes whereby the idealized aspects of the self are preserved, and its limitations denied.[38] They tend to be rigid and totalistic.[39] They are often driven by feelings of shame and guilt, conscious or unconscious.[40]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 8 of 42Narcissistic abuseMain article: Narcissistic abuseNarcissistic abuse was originally just defined as a specific form of emotional abuse of children by narcissistic parents – parents who require the child to give up their own wants and feelings in order to serve the parent's needs for esteem.[41] The term emerged in the late twentieth century due to the works of Alice Miller and other Neo- Freudians, rejecting psychoanalysis as being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.[42]Self-help culture assumes that someone abused by narcissistic parenting as a child likely struggles with codependency issues in adulthood. An adult who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist likely struggles with not knowing what constitutes a "normal" relationship.[43]In recent years the term has been applied more broadly to refer to any abuse by a narcissist including in adult to adult relationships.[44]TypesMasterson's subtypes (exhibitionist and closet)In 1993, James F. Masterson proposed two categories for pathological narcissism, exhibitionist and closet.[45] Both fail to adequately develop an age- and phase- appropriate self because of defects in the quality of psychological nurturing provided, usually by the mother. The exhibitionist narcissist is the one described in DSM-IV and differs from the closet narcissist in several important ways. The closet narcissist is more likely to be described as having a deflated, inadequate self-perception and greater awareness of emptiness within. The exhibitionist narcissist would be described asStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 9 of 42having an inflated, grandiose self-perception with little or no conscious awareness of the emptiness within. Such a person would assume that this condition was normal and that others were just like him. The closet narcissist seeks constant approval from others and appears similar to the borderline in the need to please others. The exhibitionist narcissist seeks perfect admiration all the time from others.Millon's variationsTheodore Millon identified five variations of narcissist.[10] Any individual narcissist may exhibit none or one of the following:unprincipled narcissist: including antisocial features. A charlatan—is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual.amorous narcissist: including histrionic features. The Don Juan or Casanova of our times—is erotic, exhibitionist.compensatory narcissist: including negativistic (passive-aggressive), avoidant features. elitist narcissist: variant of pure pattern. Corresponds to Wilhelm Reich's "phallic narcissistic" personality type.Other formsAcquired situational narcissismAcquired situational narcissism (ASN) is a form of narcissism that develops in late adolescence or adulthood, brought on by wealth, fame and the other trappings of celebrity. It was coined by Robert B. Millman, professor of psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University. ASN differs from conventional narcissism in that it develops after childhood and is triggered and supported by theStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 10 of 42celebrity-obsessed society. Fans, assistants and tabloid media all play into the idea that the person really is vastly more important than other people, triggering a narcissistic problem that might have been only a tendency, or latent, and helping it to become a full-blown personality disorder. "Millman says that what happens to celebrities is that they get so used to people looking at them that they stop looking back at other people." [46] In its presentation and symptoms, it is indistinguishable from narcissistic personality disorder, differing only in its late onset and its support by large numbers of others. "The lack of social norms, controls, and of people telling them how life really is, also makes these people believe they're invulnerable,"[47] so that the person with ASN may suffer from unstable relationships, substance abuse and erratic behaviour. A famous fictional character with ASN is Norma Desmond, the main character of Sunset Boulevard.CodependencyMain article: CodependencyCodependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent. Rappoport identifies codependents of narcissists as "co-narcissists".[48]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 11 of 42Collective or group narcissism Main article: Collective narcissismCollective narcissism (or group narcissism) is a type of narcissism where an individual has an inflated self-love of his or her own ingroup, where an "ingroup" is a group in which an individual is personally involved.[49] While the classic definition of narcissism focuses on the individual, collective narcissism asserts that one can have a similar excessively high opinion of a group, and that a group can function as a narcissistic entity.[49] Collective narcissism is related to ethnocentrism; however, ethnocentrism primarily focuses on self-centeredness at an ethnic or cultural level, while collective narcissism is extended to any type of ingroup beyond just cultures and ethnicities.[49][50]Conversational narcissismConversational narcissism is a term used by sociologist Charles Derber in his book, The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life. Derber observed that the social support system in America is relatively weak, and this leads people to compete mightily for attention. In social situations, they tend to steer the conversation away from others and toward themselves. "Conversational narcissism is the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America," he wrote. "It occurs in informal conversations among friends, family and coworkers. The profusionof popular literature about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life." What Derber describes as "conversational narcissism" often occurs subtly rather than overtly because it is prudent to avoid being judged an egotist. Derber distinguishes the "shift-response" from the "support-response," as in the following two hypothetical conversationStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 12 of 42fragments:John: I'm feeling really starved.Mary: Oh, I just ate. (shift-response)John: I'm feeling really starved.Mary: When was the last time you ate? (support-response) Cultural narcissismIn The Culture of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch defines a narcissistic culture as one where every activity and relationship is defined by the hedonistic need to acquire the symbols of wealth,[51] this becoming the only expression of rigid, yet covert, social hierarchies. It is a culture where liberalism only exists insofar as it serves a consumer society, and even art, sex and religion lose their liberating power. In such a society of constant competition, there can be no allies, and little transparency. The threats to acquisitions of social symbols are so numerous, varied and frequently incomprehensible, that defensiveness, as well as competitiveness, becomes a way of life. Any real sense of community is undermined—or even destroyed—to be replaced by virtual equivalents that strive, unsuccessfully, to synthesize a sense of community.Destructive narcissismDestructive narcissism is the constant exhibition of numerous and intense characteristics usually associated with the pathological narcissist but having fewer characteristics than pathological narcissism.[52]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 13 of 42Malignant narcissismMain article: Malignant narcissismMalignant narcissism, a term first coined in a book by Erich Fromm in 1964,[53] is a syndrome consisting of a cross breed of the narcissistic personality disorder, the antisocial personality disorder, as well as paranoid traits. The malignant narcissist differs from one suffering from narcissistic personality disorder in that the malignant narcissist derives higher levels of psychological gratification from accomplishments over time (thus worsening the disorder). Because the malignant narcissist becomes more involved in this psychological gratification, in the context of the right conditions, the narcissist is apt to develop the antisocial, the paranoid, and the schizoid personality disorders. The term malignant is added to the term narcissist to indicate that individuals with this disorder have a powerful form of narcissism that has made them ill in the forms of paranoid and anti-social traits.Medical narcissismMedical narcissism is a term coined by John Banja in his book, Medical Errors and Medical Narcissism.[54][55] Banja defines "medical narcissism" as the need of health professionals to preserve their self-esteem leading to the compromise of error disclosure to patients. In the book he explores the psychological, ethical and legal effects of medical errors and the extent to which a need to constantly assert their competence can cause otherwise capable, and even exceptional, professionals to fallinto narcissistic traps. He claims that:...most health professionals (in fact, most professionals of any ilk) work on cultivating a self that exudes authority, control, knowledge, competence and respectability. It's theStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 14 of 42narcissist in us all—we dread appearing stupid or incompetent.In the workplaceMain article: Narcissism in the workplaceNarcissism as a personality trait, generally assessed with the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, is related to some types of behavior in the workplace. For example, individuals high on narcissism inventories are more likely to engage in counterproductive work behavior (CWB, behavior that harms organizations or other people in the workplace).[56] Although individuals high on narcissism might engage in more aggressive (and counterproductive) behaviors, they mainly do so when their self- esteem is threatened.[57] Thus narcissistic employees are more likely to engage in CWB when they feel threatened.[58] Individuals high in narcissism have fragile self- esteem and are easily threatened. One study found that employees who are high on narcissism are more likely to perceive the behaviors of others in the workplace as abusive and threatening than individuals who are low on narcissism.[59]The narcissistic manager will have two main sources of narcissistic supply: inanimate – status symbols like company cars, company-issued smartphone or prestigious offices with window views; and animate – flattery and attention from colleagues and subordinates.[60] Teammates may find everyday offers of support swiftly turn them into enabling sources of permanent supply, unless they are very careful to maintainproper boundaries.[61] The need to protect such supply networks will prevent the narcissistic managers from taking objective decisions;[62] while long-term strategies will be evaluated according to their potential for attention-gaining for the manager themself.[63] Organizational psychologist Alan Downs wrote a book in 1997Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 15 of 42describing corporate narcissism.[64] He explores high-profile corporate leaders (such as Al Dunlap and Robert Allen) who, he suggests, literally have only one thing on their minds: profits. According to Downs, such narrow focus actually may yield positive short-term benefits, but ultimately it drags down individual employees as well as entire companies. Alternative thinking is proposed, and some firms now utilizing these options are examined. Downs' theories are relevant to those suggested by Victor Hill in his book, Corporate Narcissism in Accounting Firms Australia.[65]Primordial narcissismPsychiatrist Ernst Simmel first defined primordial narcissism in 1944.[66] Simmel's fundamental thesis is that the most primitive stage of libidinal development is not the oral, but the gastrointestinal one. Mouth and anus are merely to be considered as the terminal parts of this organic zone. Simmel terms the psychological condition of prenatal existence "primordial narcissism." It is the vegetative stage of the pre-ego, identical with the id. At this stage there is complete instinctual repose, manifested in unconsciousness. Satiation of the gastrointestinal zone, the representative of the instinct of self-preservation, can bring back this complete instinctual repose, which, under pathological conditions, can become the aim of the instinct. Contrary to Lasch, Bernard Stiegler argues in his book, Acting Out, that consumer capitalism is in fact destructive of what he calls primordial narcissism, without which it is not possible to extend love to others.[67] In other words, he is referring to the natural state of aninfant as a fetus and in the first few days of its life, before it has learned that other people exist besides itself, and therefore cannot possibly be aware that they are human beings with feelings, rather than having anything to do with actual narcissism.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 16 of 42Sexual narcissismSexual narcissism has been described as an egocentric pattern of sexual behavior that involves an inflated sense of sexual ability and sexual entitlement. In addition, sexual narcissism is the erotic preoccupation with oneself as a superb lover through a desire to merge sexually with a mirror image of oneself. Sexual narcissism is an intimacy dysfunction in which sexual exploits are pursued, generally in the form of extramarital affairs, to overcompensate for low self-esteem and an inability to experience true intimacy.[68] This behavioral pattern is believed to be more common in men than in women and has been tied to domestic violence in men and sexual coercion in couples. [69][70] Hurlbert argues that sex is a natural biological given and therefore cannot be deemed as an addiction. He and his colleagues assert that any sexual addiction is nothing more than a misnomer for what is actually sexual narcissism or sexual compulsivity.[71] While Hurlbert writes mainly of sexual narcissism in men, Schoenewolf (2013) describes what he calls "gender narcissism" which occurs in both males and females who compensate for feelings of sexual inadequacy by becoming overly proud and obsessed with their masculinity or femininity.[72]Why Do Narcissists Cheat?Narcissistic parentsMain article: Narcissistic parentsNarcissistic parents demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents' emotional needs. This parenting 'style' most often results in estranged relationships with the children, coupled with feelings of resentmentStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 17 of 42and self-destructive tendencies.[48]Narcissistic leadershipMain article: Narcissistic leadershipNarcissistic leadership is a common form of leadership. The narcissism may be healthy or destructive although there is a continuum between the two. A study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that when a group is without a leader, you can often count on a narcissist to take charge. Researchers found that people who score high in narcissism tend to emerge as group leader.[73]Popular cultureAccording to recent cultural criticism, Narcissus has replaced Oedipus as the myth of our time. Narcissism is now seen to be at the root of everything from the ill-fated romance with violent revolution to the enthralled mass consumption of state-of-the-art products and the 'lifestyles of the rich and famous'.Jessica Benjamin (2000), "The Oedipal Riddle," p. 233[74]Some critics contend that pop culture has become more narcissistic in recent decades. [75] This claim is supported by scholarship indicating some celebrities hire "fake paparazzi",[76] the frequency with which "reality TV" programs populate the television schedules,[75] and the growth of an online culture in which digital media,social media and the "will-to-fame" are generating a "new era of public narcissism [that] is mutating with new media forms."[77] In this analysis, narcissism, rather than being the pathologized property of a discrete personality type, has been asserted as a constituent cultural feature of an entire generation since the end of World War II.[78]Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 18 of 42Supporting the contention that American culture has become more narcissistic and that this is increasingly reflected in its cultural products is an analysis of US popular song lyrics between 1987 and 2007. This found a growth in the use of first-person singular pronouns, reflecting a greater focus on the self, and also of references to antisocial behavior; during the same period, there was a diminution of words reflecting a focus on others, positive emotions, and social interactions.[79][80] Similar patterns of change in cultural production are observable in other Western states. A linguistic analysis of the largest circulation Norwegian newspaper found that the use of self- focused and individualistic terms increased in frequency by 69 per cent between 1984 and 2005 while collectivist terms declined by 32 per cent.[80] References to narcissism and self-esteem in American popular print media have experienced vast inflation since the late 1980s.[80] Between 1987 and 2007 direct mentions of self-esteem in leading US newspapers and magazines increased by 4,540 per cent while narcissism, which had been almost non-existent in the press during the 1970s, was referred to over 5,000 times between 2002 and 2007.[80]Cross-cultural studies of differences in narcissism are rare. Instead, as there is a positive association between narcissism and individualism and a negative one between it and collectivism, these traits have been used as proxies for narcissism in some studies. [81] This approach, however, risks the misapplication of the concepts of individualism and collectivism to create overly-fixed, "caricature-like",[82] oppositional categories.[83] Nonetheless, one study looked at differences in advertising products between an individualistic culture, America, and a collectivist one, South Korea. In American magazine advertisements, it found, there was a greater tendency to stress the distinctiveness and uniqueness of the person; conversely the South Korean onesStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 19 of 42stressed the importance of social conformity and harmony.[81] This observation holds true for a cross-cultural analysis across a wide range of cultural outputs where individualistic national cultures produce more individualistic cultural products and collectivist national cultures produce more collectivist national products; these cultural effects were greater than the effects of individual differences within national cultures. [81]Fictional narcissistsJay Gatsby, the eponymous character of F. Scott Fitzgerald's 1925 novel The Great Gatsby, "an archetype of self-made American men seeking to join high society", has been described as a "pathological narcissist" for whom the "ego-ideal" has become "inflated and destructive" and whose "grandiose lies, poor sense of reality, sense of entitlement, and exploitive treatment of others" conspire toward his own demise.[84]In the film To Die For, Nicole Kidman's character wants to appear on television at all costs, even if this involves murdering her husband. A psychiatric assessment of her character noted that she "was seen as a prototypical narcissistic person by the raters: on average, she satisfied 8 of 9 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder... had she been evaluated for personality disorders, she would receive a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder".[85]Gordon Gekko is a fictional character in the 1987 film Wall Street and its 2010 sequel Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.[86] Gekko has become a symbol in popular culturefor unrestrained greed and self-interest (with the signature line, "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good"), often in fields outside corporate finance.Charles Foster Kane is a fictional character and the subject of Orson Welles' 1941 film Citizen Kane. The character is widely believed to be based on publishing tycoonStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 20 of 42William Randolph Hearst. Welles played Kane (receiving an Oscar nomination), with Buddy Swan playing Kane as a child. Welles also produced, co-wrote and directed the film. Citizen Kane explores the life of the titular character, who is born of humble origins. In 1871, Kane's mother puts him under the guardianship of a New York City banker named Walter Parks Thatcher, who raises him in luxury. As an adult, Kane takes control of a newspaper, which he uses to advance businesses in which Kane holds stock. Kane also hires staff members away from the rival Chronicle newspaper, regarding them as collectibles. To finance the fledgling Inquirer, Kane uses his personal resources; this would allow him to operate it, even at a million dollar annual loss, for decades.The Narcissist in CourtOne of the most toxic people you will meet in family court is the narcissist. When it comes to a divorce case, the narcissist will often be pitted against a person with very low self-esteem. Narcissists are usually the cause of that low self-esteem as they have eroded their partner’s self image through a variety of means throughout the marriage.In court, the narcissist will present as confident, calm and certain while his victim often appears stressed, frustrated, and not at all confident. The victim may be willing to give up almost everything just to regain her own life back. She may not feel that she is a fit mother for her children, as the narcissist has made sure that she feels unfit.Dealing with someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in the family court system is a daunting task. It is not going to be easy, but you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor rather than continue being a victim. Knowledge is power and being educated, and prepared, can mean the difference between winning and being victimized again.. The trick to beating a narcissist in court is twofold inStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 21 of 42nature.FIRST: Catch them in a lie when they are on the stand.But, you must have absolute, incontrovertible proof of the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony. When confronted with the impeaching evidence, narcissists will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except them) and will actively discredit themselves.SECOND: Your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the narcissist so as to allow the narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose self. Sometimes it is enough just to let the narcissist be himself or herself.What To Expect?Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. There are two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists:1. Frighten ThemNarcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They are paranoid, suspicious, and scared. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool. If sufficiently scared – the narcissist will disengage, give up everything he was fighting for and sometimes even make amends.For this to be effective, you have to identify the vulnerabilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at him until he is deterred.Example:If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact- use this to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination; let his imagination do the rest. The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, malpractice, child abuse, or infidelity – there are many possibilities, all of which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-emotionally, in an escalating manner – the narcissist will disengage and disappear. You don’t have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, and suggest a possible turn of events. The narcissist’s imagination and paranoia will do the rest forStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 22 of 42you.It must be added that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.2. Lure ThemThe other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the lure of Narcissistic Supply – the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his “property” and “territory”. Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell that he is being manipulated. You can make a narcissist do almost anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).Tips to Survive and Thrive in CourtEquip yourself for the legal battle: Many communities offer free divorce workshops, support groups or clinics through the courthouse. Spend a day in the courtroom to which you were assigned and familiarize yourself with the Judge or Commissioner’s style, the courtroom procedures and to the strategies used by attorneys. Prepare: Prepare for the reality that many of your friends will fall for the narcissist’s smear campaign. Because the general public is not educated in NPD, many will fall prey to his evil tactics. Remember that you too once believed what you were told by him. Narcissists will not accept that they had any part of the demise of the marriage. Take the high road and eventually, the narcissist will show his true colors to everyone. Document everything: Keep a daily journal for the day-to-day occurrences and write down every event, no matter how big or small. An example would be: “Documentation: August 15, 2013 — Failure to Show for Visitation” or so on. Get organized: You need to find a system that works for you. While there are a variety of ways to stay organized, the most common is the binder method. Have a binder for each year and keep things in chronological order.Eliminate or limit communication: If you can’t eliminate communication, keep it short and unemotional. While zero contact is best when ending a relationship with a narcissist, it is impossible if you have children together. Set personal boundaries and do not deviate from them. Not even once. Narcissists feed off of control, intimidation and eliciting emotions. Do not satisfy their twisted and selfish hunger by giving them whatStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 23 of 42they are requesting.Practice acceptance: You need to accept the fact that you will never win in the mind of a narcissist. You will not be able to change their distorted thinking regardless of how many times you remind them of the real version of the story. You need to accept thatyou are not dealing with a rational person; acceptance is the key to moving forward. Maintain composure in court: Stay composed and focused and keep your emotions for outside the courtroom. The narcissist will project all of the problems and their shortcomings onto you. Respond to false allegations calmly with credible, factual information. Do not get caught up defending every minor allegation no matter how tempting it may be to set the story straight. This is the time to choose your battles wisely. It is very easy to get upset while listening to the testimony due to the dishonesty and manipulations. Listen calmly and take notes. Do not allow yourself to get sidetracked and angered. Stay focused and stay calm at all times.Make reminder notes: You need to remind yourself that you are dealing with a narcissist. If needed, write yourself a post-it note that says, “Reminder: I am dealing with a narcissist” and stick it to the front of your binder. Do not expect a narcissist to follow the law, rules or protocol of any kind. Expect lies, vicious attacks, bizarre behavior and the unexpected.To summarize, the best way to handle a narcissist in court is to play it cool and let them hang themselves with their own rope. Narcissists will make outrageous claims and big demands. Let them swear and bluster... the worse their behavior is, the better it is for you.Play it cool, show the court and the judge how rational and healthy you are, and how demanding and bullying the narcissist is. Most judges are excellent surveyors of human nature and can see narcissists for who they are.Remember, though, when all is said and done, family law courts are usually not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are “no fault” divorce states; despite the fact that judges are people and have emotions, typically they are interested in numbers and custody issues. Judges are experienced at ignoring all the drama, but if you can get a narcissist to lie under oath, they will lose their credibility with the judge.Narcissistic In-Laws Attempt to Destroy Your MarriageI have heard many life stories about the chaos and emotional and psychological destructiveness of narcissistic in-laws. This includes the mother-in-law narcissist, the father-in-law narcissist or the narcissistic couple.When we get married it can be very difficult to know if our prospective in-laws are narcissists. Yes, they may be self-absorbed or entitled or too entranced with the goldenStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 24 of 42child you married. In the beginning everyone was playing the “good behavior” role. Some spouses get a glimpse of coming psychological attractions before the vows are spoken. Most of us are too distracted with the wedding plans and thinking of the meaning of the upcoming marriage and let these warnings pass through our consciousness.The cracking of the familial perfect face begins with one of the narcissistic parents demanding tremendous amounts of time and attention from the “beloved son or daughter” and giving you the cold shoulder or the silent treatment or outright cold unwarranted criticism. Eventually this leads to scenarios of my way or the highway. This becomes particularly ugly and the couple starts to argue frequently. The golden boy or golden girl narcissist often responds to the family demands since he or she has been the King or Queen of this feudal kingdom since birth.The spouse who is out in the cold is further criticized and ostracized by the narcissistic in-law(s). Finally a reckoning comes and a decision often must be made–whether to stay in a marriage where you are being constantly abused and mistreated or to move forward and sever the marital relationship.Meanwhile the narcissistic relatives are relishing your marriage unraveling, knowing they will get their perfect son or daughter to come back to them alone–where he or she belongs. Narcissistic in-laws think oftheir children as possessions who belong to them and no one else, including a spouse.Quite often these circumstances do not have a happy ending for the newly married couple. It is better to cut your losses in most cases if you know that your spouse is more wedded to narcissistic mom or dad than to you. You will never win against this deep level of psychopathology.After you have made your decision to end the marriage and get a divorce, you begin to heal from the relationship you thought you had with this person you had picked to share your life. Pay close attention to your intuition as you go forward. Remember, you come first. This is essential.Y8mStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 26 of 42them.Narcissists are highly manipulative and exploitive. They are exceedingly cunning and know how to play complex cruel, calculated games with your deepest feelings. They use both charm and intimidation to get you to do and be what they want. You must be perfect like they are. They make sure you never measure up to their “standards.” When you don’t make the grade you are severely criticized. This emerges into a pattern of continually putting you down. This is done to weaken and control you and force you to doubt your perceptions. Another ploy is the emotional/psychological push/pull game. After a major blowup the narcissist claims he is sorry and says he needs you desperately. He wants you back into his life, not because he loves you but due to his need for narcissist supplies to be adored, obeyed and praised constantly. When this sequence is over, he finds a reason to get angry and throw you out of his life. Many victims of narcissistic abuse repeat this pattern over and over again, thinking that the problems arising from the relationship are their fault.“Dismissal (disposal) arrives as surely as thunder follows lightening...By this time you are not even an imprint on his mind. He has moved on to his next glorious quest... Like a speck of swirling dust, the memory of you as a unique individual and the positive magnitude of your good deeds dissolve into the atmosphere as if they neverexisted.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). You no longer fit into the narcissist’s grandiose sense of himself. You have not sufficiently fulfilled the overwhelming needs that this person has for you to be perfect, obedient, ever-loving (regardless of his dark cruelties) and available 24/7.Stop this cycle of narcissistic abuse by leaving the narcissist with your plan to regain your sense of a strong authentic self. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand these fixed personality traits that are uninclined to change.Along with this learning, acknowledge and feel deeply the wonderful unique lovely individual that you are. Walk forward. Rest. Restore. Recover. Renew.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 27 of 42Come home to yourself !Ever-Present Narcissistic Rage Projections–Psychologically DangerousIn dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net. You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction. You brace yourself for these events.Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless. Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil. These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end. To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are. They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.Narcissistic personality is fixed. It does not change. Along with it comes narcissistic rage. There is no way around this. Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.Free yourself, heal and recover. You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 28 of 4210 Warning Signs of Word SaladWhen they’re feeling threatened or bored, psychopaths will often use what’s called “word salad” as an attempt to regain control over you.This article is from a later chapter of the Psychopath Free book (click to view on Amazon). Or find in Barnes & Noble stores eveywhere!When they’re feeling threatened or bored, psychopaths will often use what’s called “word salad” in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. Basically, it’s a conversation from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all. They’re just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one outrageous statement, they’re already on to the next. You’ll be left with your head spinning. Study the warning signs, and disengage before any damage can be done:1. Circular conversationsYou’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in two minutes. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around. They begin reciting all of the same tired garbage, ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided moments ago. If something is going to be resolved, it will be on their terms. With psychopaths, the same issues will come up over and over again—why are they so friendly with their ex again? Why are they suddenly not paying any attention to you? Why do they sound so eager to get off the phone? And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance when they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their ownIf you point out something nasty they're doing—like ignoring you or cheating—they’ll mention something totally unrelated from the past that you’ve done wrong. Did you used to drink too much? Well then, their cheating isn’t really all that bad compared to your drinking problem. Were you late to your first date two years ago? Well then, you can’t complain about them ignoring you for three days straight. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are a bitter lunatic with a list ofStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 29 of 42grievances.3. Condescending & patronizing toneThe entire conversation will have this calm, cool demeanor. It’s almost as if they’re mocking you, gaging your reactions to see how much further they can push. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when they’ll tell you to calm down, raise their eyebrows, smirk, or feign disappointment. The whole point of word salad is to make you unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions—just like anything else with a psychopath.4. Accusing you of doing things that they themselves are doingI mentioned this in the previous section about psychopaths putting you on the defense. In heated arguments, psychopaths have no shame. They will begin labeling you with their own horrible qualities. It goes beyond projection, because most people project unknowingly. Psychopaths know they are smearing you with their own flaws, and they are seeking a reaction. After all, how can you not react to such blatant hypocrisy?5. Multiple personasThrough the course of a word salad conversation, you’re likely to experience a variety of their personalities. It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop. If you’re pulling away, sick of their abuse and lies, they will restore a glimpse of the idealize phase. A little torture to lure you back in with promises of marriage and children. If that doesn’t work, suddenly they’ll start insulting the things they once idealized. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because his personas are imploding as they struggle to regain control. Our beloved administrator, Victoria, summed this up perfectly: “The devil himself was unleashed in a desperate fit of fury after being recognized: twisting, turning, writhing, spewing, flattering, sparkling, vomiting.”Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 30 of 426. The eternal victimSomehow their cheating and lying will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past or a crazy ex. You will end up feeling bad for them, even when they'vedone something horribly wrong. You will instead use it as an opportunity to bond with them over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything will go back to the way it was. No bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. Psychopaths cry “abuse”—but in the end, you are the one left with nothing.7. You begin explaining basic human emotionsYou find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”. Normal adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. You are not the first person who has attempted to see the good in them, and you will not be the last. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. They wouldn’t have done it in the first place if they were a decent human being. The worst part is, they pretended to be decent when you first met —sucking you in with this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they find it boring.8. ExcusesEveryone messes up every now and then, but psychopaths recite excuses more often than they actually follow through with promises. Their actions never match up with their words. You are disappointed so frequently that you feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to become grateful for the mediocre.9. “What in the world just happened”These conversations leave you drained. You will be left with an actual headache. You will spend hours, even days, obsessing over the argument. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. You will have a million pre-planned arguments in your head, ready to respond to all the unaddressed points that you couldn’t keep up with. You will feel the need to defend yourself. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution that evenly distributes the blame, and therefore gives you both a chance to apologize and make up. But in the end, you’ll find that you’re the only one apologizing.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 31 of 42narcissistic Cheating SpouseAfter being caught, narcissistic cheaters actually feel an immense amount of superiority. Especially if they break up with you for the new partner. This is when they’re at their best—glowing with energy as they watch you fall from grace. It’s what they live for. He puts his newest target on display because he wants you to know about her. He’s waiting for your reaction. And if you don’t react, he will invent a reason to talk to you, making sure his new profile picture is displayed front and center. Often times, narcissists will use pointless requests as an excuse to get your attention. For example, returning an article of clothing or a DVD. Something that any normal person would just forget about.Once he has your attention, he will adopt a calm, patronizing demeanor. Talking down to you as if he’s somehow the relationship guru because he’s happy and you’re single. The whole conversation will take on a very arrogant, “I’m-in-charge” sort of attitude. After the breakup, he’s obsessed with being the calm & superior person. The winner.Why Do Narcissists Cheat?There are three main characters in a narcissist’s love triangle. Each with very specific masks they must apply:1) You: Unlike the normal shame felt during a cheating relationship, the narcissist actually goes out of their way to ensure you know about their infidelities, without ever admitting to them. This involves openly flirting with others (often over Facebook), bragging to you about all of the people who want to sleep with them, and calling you crazy & jealous when you react accordingly. The mask is covert, ambiguous, condescending, pseudo-concerned, and always trying to keep you doubting the relationship.2) The New Target: Unlike with you, the narcissist is not interested in torturing the new target yet. Instead, they use your pending self-destruction to lure in the next victim, the “favorite”. As they watch you fall apart, it is easy to point at your desperate texts and evoke sympathy from the new target about how crazy you’ve gotten. The narcissist will put the new target on a pedestal, explaining how much happier they feel now. The new target will feel elated, being the one to save the narcissist from their supposedly abusive partner (you). The mask is innocent, sympathetic, pity-filled, andChapter llStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 32 of 42very flattering. Discover the third character:3 Characters in The Psychopath's Love TriangleThink about the amount of calculation & planning it must take to pull this off. They are cunning, cold, and very aware of their own behavior.There are three main characters in a psychopath's love triangle. Each with very specific masks they must apply:1) You: Unlike the normal shame felt during a cheating relationship, the psychopath actually goes out of their way to ensure you know about their infidelities, without ever admitting to them. This involves openly flirting with others (often over Facebook), bragging to you about all of the people who want to sleep with them, and calling you crazy & jealous when you react accordingly. The mask is covert, ambiguous, condescending, pseudo-concerned, and always trying to keep you doubting the relationship.2) The New Target: Unlike with you, the psychopath is not interested in torturing the new target yet. Instead, they use your pending self-destruction to lure in the next victim, the "favorite". As they watch you fall apart, it is easy to point at your desperate texts and evoke sympathy from the new target about how crazy you've gotten. The psychopath will put the new target on a pedestal, explaining how much happier they feel now. The new target will feel elated, being the one to save the psychopath from their supposedly abusive partner (you). The mask is innocent, sympathetic, pity-filled, and very flattering.3) The Fan Club: The psychopath also needs to keep a close watch on their supply of friendships. Even the least perceptive person in the world could notice when a relationship coup is happening. So instead of openly cheating and replacing (like they do with you), the psychopath must be more careful. They will engage in serious talks with their friends about how much the current relationship is hurting them, and start to hand out shallow praise as a way to ensure loyalty. This is preemptive damage control, to make sure they remain in a favorable light even after the obvious cheating. They want to be sure their fan club is there to clap louder than ever before when they put the new target on display, showing just how perfect their new life is. Every bit of support they get from their friends is another nail in the coffin to triangulate you and make you wonder how in the world anyone could support this person. The mask isStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 33 of 42schmoozing, charming, self-victimizing, and ultimately very cheerful when it comes time to parade the new target, receiving all of the support & congratulations they crave.Think about the amount of calculation & planning it must take to pull this off. They are cunning, cold, and very aware of their own behavior. They take on three different personas in order to make you doubt your own sanity. This is not accidental, and it isnot insensitive. It is pure evil.How Does A Narcissist Handle Divorce and React to It?How does a narcissist handle divorceNarcissists are often self-absorbed, control freaks. They only see their own perspective and have love for no one but themselves. In this article, we address the question of how does a narcissist handle divorce, react to it and cope and we also discuss its effect on you and your options.How does a narcissist handle divorce? How does a narcissist react to divorce? How do they cope? If you’re considering divorcing your narcissist spouse and this question has come up, it is a good example of the unique anxiety that divorcing a narcissist can cause. Fortunately, there are answers.No person goes into a divorce without some stress and anxiety. Those emotions can get complex and vary depending on the situation. However, divorcing a narcissist comes with special and increased levels because there is often a significant history of intimidation, harassment and emotional abuse that precedes the divorce filing.For these reasons, when you’re divorcing a narcissist spouse, you are legitimatelyStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 34 of 42concerned there will be an elevation of all of those things once the petition is filed served and the California divorce process begins. You are concerned the narcissist’s handling and dealing with the divorce will have a stressful and negative impact on you, the children and even the financial issues.In this article, we are going to discuss the different ways that’s a narcissist husband or wife will respond and react to a divorce and how you can overcome it and become a more courageous and better person for it.At the end of this article, we provide you with a form to contact us or you can call us at any one of our three offices.It’s important for you to know that you and your narcissist spouse are unique individuals and there is no cookie cutter approach to divorcing any personality type or psychological profile including that of the narcissist. Therefore, do not assume that you can read any article and get all the answers. A consultation and representation with a knowledgeable divorce lawyer in your State is critical. We write this article from the perspective of California spouses since we are California divorce and family law attorneys. Nothing in this article is legal advice nor intended to apply to divorces outside of California.How does a narcissist handle divorce or react to it? Domestic violence and child abuseStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 35 of 42casesIf your marriage was fraught with domestic violence and/or child abuse, it is possible that a divorce filing or even knowledge that a divorce may be coming could result in additional violence and abuse. When divorcing a narcissist and gauging his or her handling and reaction, self-protection and the protection of your children should be a paramount concern.If you suspect your narcissist spouse will respond with violence against you,preparation and planning become important as does immediate action at the right time.First, you should look at whether a domestic violence restraining order action is appropriate. Please read our page on domestic violence restraining order requests and orders in California to learn more about the subject. Do not assume that just because the domestic violence did not occur immediately before a divorce filing, that you cannot proceed for a restraining order. You have more rights than you may realize.Second, if there is no domestic violence that is posing a threat of harm but you’re still concerned it may occur, temporarily moving out of the residence before the divorce filing (the timing of which becomes important) may be a good option. A lot goes into this choice and it becomes more difficult when you have children. However, your safety and that of your children is a greater priority than the inconvenience the move may cause, especially when a move such as this is often temporary and is not intended to be where you will stay for a lengthy period.Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 36 of 42The narcissist’s handling of and reaction to divorce when he or she is the sole income earnerIf your narcissistic spouse is also the breadwinner of the family, you will need to seek immediate child support, alimony and attorney fees orders and obtain those temporary orders so you can maintain the status quo while your divorce is pending.The narcissist’s handling of and reaction to a divorce when you are the sole wage earnerIf you are the breadwinner, the situation does become more complicated because your narcissist spouse may seek support and fees against you but with a documented history of child abuse or domestic violence, it will be very difficult for that spouse to obtain custody of the children and chances are he or she will either be paying you child support or your child support obligation will not be a large one if you have sole or primary custody. Learn more about California child custody laws on our comprehensive and in depth look at the subject.Also, if the history of violence of your narcissistic spouse includes a criminal conviction for domestic violence within 5 years preceding the divorce petition filing or any time thereafter, there is a rebuttable presumption pursuant to Family Code 4325 that your spouse is not entitled to alimony. Please read our page about alimony in California to learn more about this area, which is one of the few “fault based” areas of divorce that remain.How does a narcissist handle divorce or react to it? The emotional abuse casesStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 37 of 42“I am going to make sure you never see the kids again”“I’m not going to pay you a dime in support”“I am going to quit my job and you’re going to be paying me support”“I will spend all the money that we have just to fight you”“You and the children will be on the streets if you proceed with the divorce”If these threats sound familiar, it is probably because you are divorcing a narcissist. Narcissists by their very nature are control freaks and they cannot handle anything that they perceive causes them to lose control. When they are losing control and their grip on reality has completely slipped, threats like this and other emotional abuse becomes very common.Threats are not limited to the divorce case. The intimidation and harassment may be to disparage you in front of the children or in front of others, although some narcissists cannot stand to be known for what they really are and keep the disparagement one on one. No matter the method that is used, emotional and psychological abuse is a very common reaction by narcissists in handling a divorce. In fact, in our experience, it is more common than physical abuse and financial abuse. The question is, how do you deal with it?There are different ways but we like to look at it in the following manner:Student Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 38 of 42Is it just a verbal harassment or is there a real threat of physical or financial harm there? Yelling and screaming and acting like a jerk may not be worth your time and money to bring requests for orders if it is limited to that. It may simply be a situation where the narcissist you are divorcing doesn’t know how to deal with the loss of control and thinks trying to annoy you will somehow cause you to not go ahead with the divorce or give in to whatever his or her ridiculous demands may be.If there is a real threat of physical or financial harm, your divorce lawyer will need to get involved and court orders may be necessary.If emotional abuse has gotten to a point where it actually violates California Family Code 6320 and falls into the many categories that have nothing to do with physicalviolence, you can seek a restraining order. Some examples of conduct short of physical abuse are “stalking”, “threatening”, “harassing”, “telephoning, including, but not limited to, making annoying telephone calls”, “destroying personal property”, “disturbing the peace of the other party” and more.Emotional abuse is one area where the handling or reaction by the narcissist is not limited to a particular gender. While physical abuse is unfortunately still more common by narcissist husbands against wives, emotional abuse is equal opportunity. Divorcing a narcissist wife often involves the wife’s threats to use the children as leverage, take them away from the father or make the divorce process as difficult as possible.We have written an article on the subject of divorcing a narcissist wife and we hope you will read and enjoy it. Husbands will also harass and the emotional abuse by them is typically financial in nature although we have seen plenty of narcissist husbands who also try to use the children as leverage by making threats to take them away from the wife. We have similarly written an article on divorcing a narcissist husband. AlthoughStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 39 of 42neither article is intended to be completely gender specific (and there is overlap), the issues raised in the article are more focused toward each gender based on our experience in handling divorce cases.Similar to physical abuse cases, separating yourself from the situation is best if it can be done in an efficient manner and to protect yourself and the children. The advice of an experienced divorce lawyer is paramount in such cases.How does a narcissist handle divorce or react to it? Financial abuseThere are a lot of different types of financial abuse that we have seen over the years by a narcissist husband or a narcissist wife. The most common are:Lying about income, especially if self-employedHiding or diverting assets, especially if the narcissist spouse has been in control of the financial estate throughout the marriageRefusing to cooperate in the discovery process, which is the formal process of gathering information in divorce litigation.Refusing to pay child support or alimony, even after it is orderedUnnecessarily and unreasonably driving up the fees and costs of litigation by delay tactics, lack of cooperation or forcing litigation over simple issuesMaking false allegations of domestic violence in a divorce or custody case, as well as false allegations of abuse or neglect to gain additional custody and increase leverage onStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 40 of 42support issuesThere is more but the approach you take on each of these issues is simple and can be summarized in three concepts:Pick your battles wisely. There is a time to be assertive in divorce litigation and a time to not allow yourself to be drawn into litigation fights that do not carry a benefit in proportion to the cost.Be proactive with attorney fee requests against the narcissist spouse. Every single one of the items on that list justify an attorney fee request against the narcissist spouse pursuant to Family Code 271 (sanctions as a punishment for unreasonable conduct) and, when warranted, Family Code 2030 and 2032 (based on a disparity of income, your need and your spouse’s ability to pay)Take violations of court orders seriously and file contempt actions. Contempt of Court requests in California divorce cases are a powerful tool because punishment can include fine, community service and jail.How does a narcissist cope with divorce and its effect on you?We don’t so much care about a narcissist spouse’s coping mechanisms as much as we do about its impact. Once your divorce has ended, hopefully on a successful note for you, there is usually a period of healing that takes place. This healing, in a normal setting, can take many forms. With a narcissist ex spouse who still believes themselves to have been wronged, it can become an opportunity for “round 2” of the divorce where they believe the end is an opportunity for more misconduct.This can lead to post divorce judgment requests for order on custody and supportStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 41 of 42issues, although it isn’t limited to those two.Some things you can do in such a situation are as follows. This does not include those that involve physical violence or child abuse. For those, contact law enforcement and seek a restraining order immediately.Avoid direct communication with the narcissist ex-spouse. Get court orders that limit communication about the children to the use of programs like Our Family Wizard. Take away the narcissist’s opportunity to engage and upset you.Keep the narcissist on a short leash when it comes to court orders. If the narcissist is supposed to pay you support and fails to do so, file a contempt action and seekattorney fees, issue a wage garnishment, and levy accounts. If the narcissist learns that you won’t tolerate nonpayment and there will be consequences, he or she may be more likely to pay on time. Of course, you can let it build up and collect the legal rate of interest and then collect a few months or a year or so down the line but be sure to consult with your divorce attorney about the best choice because there is a limited period you can proceed with contempt actions in California. Read our contempt page for more information.Keep custody exchanges without communication and curbside. Custody exchanges are an opportunity for the narcissist ex-spouse to disparage and threaten you, especially in front of the children because he or she knows that is the best opportunity to upset you. A curb-side exchange avoids communication and contact.Take parental alienation seriously. If the narcissist ex-spouse is starting to engage post divorce decree in parental alienation of the children from you, take it seriously. Consult your family law attorney for help and document the alienation with the narcissist or hisLenore E. Walker interviewed 1,500 women who had been subject to domestic violence and found that there was a similar pattern of abuse, called the"cycle of abuse".[1] Initially, Walker proposed that the cycle of abuse described the controlling patriarchal behavior of men who felt entitled to abuse theirwives to maintain control over them. Her terms "the battering cycle" and "battered woman syndrome" has since been largely eclipsed by "cycle of abuse"dominating women."[2]The cycle of abuse concept is widely used in domestic violence programs, particularly in the United States. Critics have argued the theory is flawed as itdoes not apply as universally as Walker suggested, does not accurately or completely describe all abusive relationships, and may favor ideologicalpresumptions over empirical data.[3]PhasesEditThe cycle usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship[4] orsome form of intervention.[5] The cycle cahn totcpcu:/r h/undarrecdsisosfistitmiceseixn.acnoambu/sidveeraelaitniogns-hwipi,tthe-ato-tnalacrycilesstaisktin-ginan-cywohueret/from a few hours, to a yearStudent Name : Sam Hanafi- Page 42 of 42and "battered person syndrome", respectively, for many reasons: to maintain objectivity; because the cycle of abuse doesn't always lead to physicalabuse; because symptoms of the syndrome have been observed in men and women, and are not confined to marriage and dating. Similarly, Dutton1994) writes, "The prevalence of violence in homosexual relationships, which also appear to go through abuse cycles is hard to explain in terms of menor her lawyer and seek court intervention if it does not stop. References:or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "reconciliation" and "calm" stages may disappear,[citationneeded] violence becomes more intense and the cycles become more frequent.[5]1: Tension buildingEditHuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World NewsStress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as thea_b_2799069.htmlresult of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war.[5] During this period, the abuser feels ignored,threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.[6]To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for theYahooviolence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. "However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusivebehavior," said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physical Abusers and Sexual Offenders.[6]2: Acute violenceEditCharacterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse[5] and include psychological abuse.[6] During this stagethe abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence.In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner's relationship degrades as well. The releaseof energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.[5](abuse.[9]3: Reconciliation/honeymoonEditSee also: Abusive hooveringThe perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation,disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.[5]Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it willnever happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse andsadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abusermay use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing,and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in therelationship.[7][8]4: CalmEditSee also: Abusive hooveringDuring this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. Duringthis period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, theperpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex.[5] Over time, the batterer's apologies and requests for forgiveness becomeless sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention.[6] However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to thetension building phase.[5] The effect of the continual cycle may include loss of love, contempt, distress, and/or physical disability. Intimate partners mayseparate, divorce or, at the extreme, someone may be killed.[5]CritiquesEditWalker's cycle of abuse theory was regarded as a revolutionary and important concept in the study of abuse and interpersonal violence,[3] which is auseful model, but may be simplistic. For instance, Scott Allen Johnson developed a 14-stage cycle that broke down the tension-building, acting-out andcalm stages further. For instance, there are six stages in the "escalation" or tension building stage, which includes triggers, the victim feeling victimized,angry and depressed, isolation and revenge planning. These lead up to the assault by acting out the revenge plan, self-destructive behavior, victimgrooming and the actual physical and/or sexual assault. This is followed by a sense of relief, fear of consequences, distraction, and rationalization of