Titanium Schedule: Fill & Download for Free

We wear HAZMAT suits. I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned this. Full body, waterproof protection specifically designed for biological warfare.Sure, they were originally developed for people handling nuclear waste or working with highly infectious diseases, but they also provide an effective shield against menstrual contaminants.Around the time a girl turns 11, her parents will start talking about “that magical time, when your body blossoms into glorious womanhood and you step into your first HAZMAT suit.” Aside from her bridal gown, it’s the most significant garment a Western woman will ever wear.As girls, we alternately fuss and fantasize about the day when we’ll see our panties, stained with a dribble of telltale red, and rush to unwrap our HAZMAT suit buried in the back of our closet. We will follow the procedure drilled into us from kindergarten. We’ll don the gloves, check the pressure seals, and step into our womanhood, one neoprene layer at a time.After awhile, most of us will outgrow our childhood HAZMAT suit. Or decide to upgrade to a better model, perhaps with a built-in oxygen circulation mask or titanium chastity belt. Some of us own a few so we can send one to the cleaners while keeping one around for backup. Because as you may know, periods don’t always follow a schedule.When we get pregnant, we’ll usually get a nine-month reprieve from the HAZMAT. Of course, this also comes with nine months of virgin margaritas and no sushi. Plus, pregnant women who experience spotting may have to wear a HAZMAT anyway, perhaps the entire time. And in the event of an early delivery, God help the woman who isn’t wearing a HAZMAT.The HAZMAT suit, while significant in Western culture, isn’t widely worn outside America. Other countries and cultures cling to more traditional practices, which we consider outdated. They quarantine women, forbidding them from engaging in housework or entering the kitchen.How in the hell is your wife going to cook you dinner if she’s not allowed in the kitchen? Answer: HAZMAT suit.With a HAZMAT suit, menstruating women can remain among us. It is a wonderful feminist innovation.Here is a photo of a typical American woman during that “time of the month.”

Several months ago I forgot to schedule an appointment with my local Ford dealership to get some service done on my 2015 Ford Focus Titanium. I know independent mechanics charge less, and it’s even cheaper to do it yourself, but I’ve never had an interest in fixing cars. Besides, the prices are relatively similar, and if you go on the right day, they’ll feed you!Anyway, I went to one of these “fast lube” places. They tried to tell me I needed to have my fuel filter replaced. Every time I’d go there (had been there a couple of times with other vehicles), they’d always say the same thing: “You need a new fuel filter”.I’d always take it to the dealership (last four vehicles including the current one have all been Fords) and have them check, and if *they* said it needed replacing, then I’d go through with it. If they said it didn’t, then I didn’t bother.Here’s a tip: Check your owner’s manual. Some will tell you how often to change the filter, like every 20K, 35K, or 60K miles. Others may tell you there’s no need to do so. I pulled out the owner’s manual, which happened to be in the glove box, and looked up how frequently to change the filter. I looked at the mileage on my car, which was around 40-some thousand. Flipped to the page that had a section called “Fuel Filter”, and what to my wandering eyes did appear but this little nugget:“Your vehicle is equipped with a lifetime fuel filter that is integrated with the fuel tank. Regular maintenance or replacement is not needed.”I told them, “No, I don’t need one right now.” They tried to argue, and when I showed them that, they shut up, finished the job, took my money, and I went on my way.So, in short, be extra-wary of those fast-lube places, because they will try to pull a fast one on you.

The most interesting…that’s a tough one. I have heard couples arguing and blurting out all kinds of personal tidbits regarding in-laws, grooming habits, threesomes, frequency and scheduling of sex, and partner swapping. I have heard things that I could have made a fortune on if I had money to invest and if I didn’t get caught for insider trading. I have heard extramarital affair partners spinning some big tales of fiction. I have heard teenagers discussing things that I didn’t know about until I was thirty or older. I have heard law enforcement personnel saying some outrageous stuff, both questionable and admirable.The most notable thing that ever happened while I was working, though, was pretty spectacular. I saw a small, intoxicated woman kick a big guy’s legs completely off and turn the guy into an animated illustration demonstrating the concept of gravity. He was an above-the-knee double amputee, with $70,000 worth of titanium prosthetics, and from what I saw, they must have been held on by something like ski bindings. They popped right off, he went down, and the entire restaurant erupted into a chaotic brawl. Titanium guy was calmly trying to gather his legs while somebody else was punching him on top of the head.At some point, someone realized that the police were probably on the way, and they started to settle down. Sure enough, when the blue lights rolled up, you would think they were long lost friends - handshaking and shoulder slapping, smiles all around. I never saw that woman again without thinking unkind thoughts, because the big guy didn’t do or say anything to her at all. He was just standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.I know it’s Waffle house, people, but come on…you are still in public and should conduct yourself accordingly. Or is that even a “thing” any more?