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I would say the lifestyle being described is beyond comfortable and quite decent. The killer here is living alone, generally, the average Londoner earning a decent wage in London will have to make the choice of living alone in London or getting all the other nice stuff. I don't know many people in London who can do all the other stuff living alone, and actually, even some of that is pushing it.Being able to live aloneA one-bedroom flat in Zone 3 or 4, which is less than one hour commute from Central London will cost around £1,200 - £1,400. This can get you a decent size 1 bedroom flat. By decent size, this is by London standards, around 450 - 500 sq ft. Be suspicious of any bargains you see, are you prepared for the 20 minute walk every morning, or perhaps 2 buses and a train. However, if you don't mind going over the one hour commute then you can get cheaper. Any kind of outdoor space, like a balcony or a parking space will take you to the top end of the price range. FWIW, I don’t recommend going over the one hour commute. You want to socialise a lot and you’ll find many of your friends will be spread out over London and it is going to have detrimental impact if you have that much commuting.If you want to live closer to Central London or you want an area that has a good central area to socialise, like Hampstead or Clapham, then expect to pay a minimum of £1,600 and perhaps closer to £2,000. This is low, the prices can go sky high in these areas and if you've got money to burn, you can easily double this budget and still get just a 1 bedroom flat.Being able to eat out 2-3 times per week.I assume you don't mean in the local cafe and you want to eat in restaurants. Obviously a lot of this is dependent on how much you want to eat, I've eaten in some really nice pubs, a nice main course and a glass of wine for £20, however if you're having a couple of courses and a couple of drinks the minimum is likely to be £50 and obviously it can go sky high.Being able to afford a cleaner 1x per weekThe going rate through an agency is £12.50-£15.00 per hour.Not having to watch every nickel and dime [don't know the British equivalent for that phrase]Not counting the pennies you say, well it is very easy to spend money in London. £4 for a coffee, a glass of wine £6–8, cocktails £12–15.Going to the theatre once a monthThe range is vast, you can find seats for £5, you can find them for £100 - think to spend about £40 or £50 for the kind of seat your derriere can tolerate 2 hours worth of connection.Having a big screen TV and decent white goodsAgain the range of prices here is fairly wide.Having a circle of friends that you can go out with regularlyLuckily not all friends require cash in hand for their company, my friends have set up a direct debit to see me regularly, but a modest night out with friends, can be anywhere between £50 and £100, not necessarily including dinner as mentioned above.Maybe having a car, depending on the area of LondonYou want a car as well? It isn't the car that is the problem, it is the parking, see rentals above. Also if you want the car to travel in and out of Central London there is a £11.50 a day Congestion ChargeThe nice thing about London is that public transport in London is pretty good. I think in London people should only get a car if they need it, not because they would like it. Most people won’t need one in London.Being able to make a year-end donation to charityThis is clearly going to be a flexible amount.Taking foreign holiday 2x per year (not luxury)Not luxury, but many would perceive any holiday as a luxury. Well if you’re at least two people you can get cheap holidays to Europe, for a week less than £500. Realistically though you should be thinking of at least £1,000 … at least … and definitely not luxury.Worth noting that if you’re holidaying by yourself the cost of the holiday will be nearly the same as if two of you go and less deals will be available for you. Travelling with friends will be cheaper but you end up having to match what your friends can afford, which can sometimes be good, sometimes works against you.Being able to contribute to a pension or savings accountIn the UK, most companies have to offer some type of pension. Whatever that is or whatever your circumstances, you should be thinking about putting away at least 10% of your take home pay.Having a gym membership.£30-£60. One thing worth noting is that borough leisure centres in London, can actually be really good. In some areas they are considered as good or even better than the private gyms.Things not mentionedClothes - at the very least you should be spending at least £100 per month for this lifestyle and that’s assuming you already have a good wardrobe of clothes, but more realistically at least £200.Presents, etcPeople hardly ever budget for presents and donations in the office, but they can really add up.Day to day livingSomeone earning enough money to live the life above is going to be working late and not having much time for homemade lunches. Expect to pay £3–6 for breakfast and £4–8 for modest lunches.Contact lens solution, makeup, haircuts, perfume/aftershave, ad hoc coffees, endless donation requests on Facebook, random weddings that are never in town.At this stage, I should be adding all this up, then enter some amounts in a tax calculator to get some idea of what your take-home pay needs to be and what salary is needed to achieve that. The reality is that when it comes to budgets, we can never afford the lifestyle we’d like to have on paper, but day to day we make accommodations and as long as our salary is reasonable, we manage to make do for the things we really want to do.As at 2016, I think a salary of £45–55,000 would work well for this lifestyle in London with deciding factor being, how much walking and travelling are you prepared to do on your commute. The further out from the centre and the further from the tube will define what flat you can get and how much rent you pay. This is well above the average salary in London though.

Dear Concerned,The moment i chanced upon this enlightened question of yours i knew, only i can answer this query in detail. Finally we have a genuine entrepreneur like you among us, who has taken a professional approach towards Guruhood. With my vast knowledge and experience of this Indian Spiritual Industry, I’ll explain you how to make it big in this Indian Guru Market.First you should decide what kind of an Indian Guru you wish to be. Broadly that depends on your target audience/disciples. Never make the mistake of trying to become an Indian Guru acceptable to all classes. It is sure to misfire. Because of so much diversity in our social structure , we can't even agree on a one fits for all Indian Guru.On a macro level there are three kind of target audiences/ disciples in Indian context. In the text below, i’ll define each one of them and will guide you through the process to achieve your Guruhood of the specified target audience/ disciples.Lower Middle Class Audience/ DisciplesMiddle Class Audience/ DisciplesUpper Middle Class Audience/ DisciplesI have not mentioned lower class and upper class as they usually don't go looking for Gurus. Simple reason is, they don't need one. The people at the lowest level of our society are too busy trying to feed their families to listen to your gyaan. Neither they have any spare money whatsoever to put in your investment bank even though your promised return rate will make Apple Inc. shy. Hence they are out of question.The upper class, the rich ones, usually don't have time for this stuff. No matter what gyaan you try to sell them, they don't have time to listen to you, Neither they are so ignorant that they’ll volunteer to make you rich. Few of them who are really interested in spiritual stuff, they reach out to the real guys through their well placed connections.It is a general trend I have observed, however exceptions are always there.How to become an Indian Guru of Lower Middle Class Target Audience/ Disciples :Understanding Your Target Audience :The most important aspect of this business is understanding your target audience. You should have thorough knowledge of their social, economical and spiritual behaviour. In this case your target audience is lower middle class. This audience leads a struggling life trying to make ends meet. They don't have scope for luxuries. Saving a little money every month is their only investment target which they usually fail to achieve. They have small day to day problems and have small dreams. For a person from this audience, seeing his daughter or son getting a government job is like a dream coming true. If someone gets sick in his family, he talks less to the doctor and more to his Guru. What this audience need is a face with whom they can put their trust with. They don't get into what is God and what not. Our earlier middlemen of God have ruthlessly kept them away from God for centuries. They have lost trust in temples where they were not even allowed to enter. What they need is a face they can see whenever they want to, they need a voice they can hear, they need a hand they can touch. They need a person who has an aura around himself, no matter how fake that is, but they need to associate themselves with a person of worth in their eyes. They want to be associated with someone who tells them that come to me and i’ll remove all your problems and will lead you to a path of happiness. They want someone who can promise them prosperity, health and security in lieu of their small offerings. From their side also it is a simple business. They want a hill out of a mole but with justified spiritual reasoning of their own making. They don't have plenty of spare money. But for this pursuit of promised life they’ll even sacrifice whatever little they have saved.This target audience has almost no knowledge of any scripture old or new. They don't understand even a word of Sanskrit. Their perception of Dhyaan and Gyaan is what you tell them. They are not even interested in heaven or hell. They don't care where one goes after death. Their journey is all about their struggling everyday life. You can't sell them tickets to heaven, they won't buy it. They are only interested in making this life easier for themselves.All this information will help you in crafting your content part. Content here is not a problem at all. The people who’ll gather to listen to your sermons are not coming to listen to what you say, they are coming to see you, listen to your voice, to be a part of a cult they can call their own. They don't need God, they’ll make you their God.2. Area of Operations :This is the easiest feat to achieve with minimal amount of background work to be done. All the more it will fetch you with maximum number of disciples which means maximum revenue with minimum investment. Competition is tough here but this class is so huge in India that there is always a scope for a newcomer. You should be stationed at either of the following states, Punjab, Haryana, Western Uttar Pradesh, Rajasthan. All these states should be your operations area. This is where the real show happens. People have recently got to know two names from the existing Indian Gurus from this area when one was arrested for 6 murders in his premises and the other was convicted of raping his disciples recently. But what people are not aware of commonly, and you should be aware of is that there are at least 20–30 big Indian Gurus more who operate in this area with huge following among masses.3. Your Name and Your Look :Keep your title and name simple for this audience. In my experience, a simple ‘Baba’ works the best. Don't worry much about fancy titles initially, your disciples will give you many themselves later. You can use your real name also but it should be a common North Indian Rural Hindi name like Ramesh, Suresh, Rampal, Satpal. In case you have a modern name like Rohan, Kunal, Kartik etc. change it to kind of a name i suggested above.First of all, one thing that matters the most is your look. You should have long hair with beard. Black or white doesn't matter. Get yourself stitched 10–15 fancy bright colour Kurta Pyjamas with embroidery on the neck. You should also wear some fake big stone necklaces. Later you’ll have to go for a different dress for each of your sermons and real stones necklaces but here I am just trying to minimise your initial investment.4. Your Content :You should read 4–5 common books like , Kabeer scriptures, Rahim scriptures, Bulle Shah scriptures, Baba Ghulam Fareed scriptures. Don't read any scripture which is even remotely related to Hindu Gods. This is much study is more than enough for you to impress this audience. But kindly be noted that you need to find your niche, these books will only be used for references in between your sermons. Once this is done, you are all ready to impart knowledge to your target audience/ disciples.It doesn't matter what you preach, you can preach anything. For example if you start telling people that by eating 250 grams pakodas on a Monday they will become rich, its completely fine. None of them will ever question your authority on the subject. The key is whatever you say, say it with confidence. Be philosophical sometimes, start talking about Aatma and Parmatma, whatever comes to your mind with these words. Trust me your audience will listen to it with pin drop silence. Just be a good orator. The content doesn't matter with this target audience the thing that matters is , for how many hours can you keep on giving sermons. Talk about things you don't have a clue about confidently because neither your audience has a clue what you are talking. Remember this most important word, ‘Dhyaan’ and weave a story around it. Give it some common Hindi name which a commoner with no knowledge of Sanskrit or English can recite easily like Maha Dhyaan, Jagrati Dyaan, Divya Dyaan etc. This will be your USP. Just ask people to close their eyes and start thinking of you, rest of the Dhyaan techniques they will develop themselves .Never ever try to preach your target audience about Hindu Gods like Ram, Krishn, Shiv etc. Your target audience wants none of them. They are fed up with them that’s the whole reason they have come to you. Create a new God, give him the qualities your audience wants Him to have. Give your audience a simpler access to Him through yourself. Rab, Parmatma, Parampita, use these kind of words for Him. And He should never have a face or body, he should be Nirakar. Otherwise you are digging your own grave. People will slowly start putting their faith in That Face than yours.Arrange for a Bhajan Mandali. Get some bhajans written by any mediocre poetic disciple of yours praising your newly created God and get them sung at the end of your sermons on a daily basis with music. You’ll be amazed to see your audience dancing on these bhajans having no clue about what do they mean.Never say no to any person who wants to meet you initially. Remember, initially with almost no finances and without a PR agency, you need people to spread your words. Meet anyone and everyone on a daily basis, meet as many people as you can. They’ll all come for solutions of their everyday problems for which you have no cure but bless everyone. This is very important, even if someone wishes to spend a night on moon, bless him. By the law of probability and going by a very conservative estimate, out of 100 people you’ll bless, 5 people will get their wishes fulfilled. Now these five people will bring you 500 more. Trust me, 90% of the rest 95 will blame themselves not you for having their wishes unfulfilled.After you are established a bit, immediately start a local school or a hospital. This’ll give you a great PR. If anybody raises a question at you, you’ll have something to flaunt around. I can understand it will be a burden upon you early in your career but trust me, you need it.Will all this content i firmly believe you’ll become a successful Indian Guru in 4–5 years time. Break even should happen in the first year itself. For the start, this much is enough.5. Revenue Model :This business can be started with only an INR 10K investment. All you need initially are your designer Kurta Pyjamas and fake big stone necklaces. Now money will be hard to come by initially but very soon you’ll have enough for luxuries.Don't take donations initially, i mean never ask anyone to pay a single rupee for any purpose whatsoever. Put a simple ‘Daan Paatra’ at all the locations where your disciple is supposed to spend a minute or two. For example put one near the shoe stall. Put the biggest one just below the platform where you’ll be giving your sermons. If anyone insists on a donation to you or to your organisation, refuse politely. If someone insists even more and even after your polite refusal wants to make a contribution, direct him to your bigger Daan Paatra. Offerings will be small initially but they’ll be steady and will grow with your footfall.For the next stage, launch a free food for all scheme. A permanent Langar. Now for this, you don't need to spend a penny. Once you start it, your disciples will automatically provide for all the ingredients needed and you’ll also get ample unpaid manual labour ready to do sewa in your Langar. It is a very popular and time tested scheme successfully implemented by our many Indian Gurus. The person who comes for free food is not the person who doesn't have money to buy food. These will be the people who’ll eat their meals at your langar as a ritual. Its a complete social day out package where a family spends its time in the company of their Guru, listening to his bhajans, eating at his langar and go home after this spiritual picnic. Now when they eat your free food, they feel guilty of having eaten your food without paying for it. And be rest assured, if a person eats a meal worth INR 50, he’ll put at least INR 200 in your Daan Paatra.Once you grow more, you’ll start receiving lands as gifts from your disciples. These will be the lands where in the owner doesn't have a heir or if the land is disputed among many shareholders, one of them will sell you the land taking his share only and other holders will be too weak to take on you. Remember, you are a Respected Indian Guru now and nobody can touch you and you‘ll receive plenty of them. You can open your branches on these lands , start farming on these lands and you’ll grow your empire even more.Eventually, you can also enter into FMCG products business with your branding, which many of our famous Indian Gurus have pioneered. But you should always stick to basic everyday use products with cheap quality and 5% less price from the branded ones in economic segment. Trust me, sky is the limit.6. Political Patronage :No empire can survive without political patronage and with your kind of target audience you need it the most. Once you are established, you’ll start receiving politicians at your door. No they don't have any spiritual inclination neither they think you are any great, they simply know who you actually are and how you can influence voters in your area of expertise.The key is, don't get emotionally attached to any of the political party. Meet everyone, bless everyone publicly and when the time of election comes, decide for yourself which party is of maximum use to you. Be ruthless about it. With your target audience you have the luxury of openly telling your herd, which party they should vote for. If you wish, change your party affiliation to the other party, it won't affect your credibility in any way.What you’ll receive in return is, you’ll get a z plus security detail for free which will further inspire your target audience to be around you. You’ll receive government land for 99 years lease on a pittance where you can open any commercial establishment of your choice. You’ll have an upper hand against your adversaries and competitors. Trust me you need it.Do’s :a. Promote vegetarianismb. Special focus on drug deaddictionc. Only use Hindi in all your sermons, that too local slang.Dont’s :a. Do not accept any donations initiallyb. Stay away from wine and womanc. Don't eat non vegetarian foodd. Never criticise any other competitorAll the best my upcoming Indian Guru !How to become an Indian Guru of Middle Class Target Audience/ DiscipleUnderstanding Your Target Audience :Now this is the toughest nut to crack. This middle class target audience will be your real test, reason being of all the classes i defined above, this target audience has been fed this spiritual dose for thousands of years. They have an ear for it. Most of our past and present day Indian Gurus are the inventions of this class only.This class has reasonable amount of spare money however not abundant. And as part of their budgeting they keep certain amount separately for buying tickets to heaven. This is the most populous target audience and here you’ll find your toughest competitors. Starting from a neighbourhood temple priest to well organised billionaire Indian Gurus like the ones you aspire to become one day. And trust me there are at least a million of them if not more. Categories are different depending upon the IQ level of individuals but they are all selling these tickets to heaven and most of this target audience is buying it from one source or the other.With this class you must understand that they love their Gods. Whatever web you weave must be woven around all these Gods only. And you can't be choosey about the choice of a God. Unlike the earlier case, here you need to take every God and His followers with you. Only then you can think of becoming a True Indian Guru with mass following.This is the target audience which is most fearful of God. Most of these people have temples at their homes where they do their morning and evening rituals and also they are the ones who frequent temples in hordes. They don't do pooja because of their love for God, they do it because they are afraid, if the God doesn't get His daily quota of light, praise, incense and food, He is bound to punish them. A new entrant to this audience starts with praying for favours from his/her favourite God and after that he/she prays so that that favours remains throughout and more favours come his/her way.The key is to play on their fear of God. Since time immemorial most of our Indian Gurus have done the same and they are still doing the same. It is a time tested weapon against this target audience.This target audience needs an Agent between them and their God, as their God doesn't talk to them. To send their letters of requests to Him, they need a good post man who can duly deliver the message. This is the vacuum you are supposed to fill.Never try to become their God like in the earlier case. These people know their God more than you can ever imagine. They know what flower He likes, what colour He likes, what clothes He wear, they even know for sure that He is a vegetarian. This target audience also know what does their God do in His spare time. Well.. He runs ponzi schemes for his devotees with a guaranteed 125000 times return over investment in His free time. You must have heard this famous saying ‘ TU EK RUPYA DEGA, WO SAWAA LAAKH DEGA’ ‘ IF YOU SPEND ONE RUPEE ON HIM, HE IS BOUND TO GIVE YOU HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES TO YOU. Never try to put any sense into their thoughts, they don't need any. Go for the real thing, they are here to buy their tickets to heaven and you as God’s favourite ticketing agent directly from the hidden caves of Himalayas are here on His order to sell them those tickets.2. Area of Operations :For this target audience your area of operations becomes wider. You can operate from either of the following states, Gujrat, Maharashtra, Madhya Pradesh, Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Haryana anywhere in the Central and North India. In this case your disciples will be spread over a vast area, they won't be found in a particular zone like in the earlier case.Once you start moving up the ladder of this business of Spirituality, competition becomes thin but the competitor becomes stronger. Select a location where your competitor doesn't have his head office. For example if he is a Gujarat based competitor, you choose Maharashtra. As of now Uttar Pradesh seems to be the best choice. It is the most populous state with no tall standing competitor of yours.You must be assuming why i didn't talk about entire India as your would be covered area. There is a reason to it. This target audience exists in huge numbers in every part of India but their languages are different. They have their own Regional Indian Gurus who speak their native language and you’ll never be able to win over them.3. Your Name and Your Look :Name again plays a big role here. Understand you are dealing with a slightly more educated target audience here. They may have never read Ramayan or Geeta but they have seen all the episodes of Ramayana, Mahabharta, Devon ke Dev Mahadev, Shri Krishna etc. Most of them have read common scriptures like Ramcharitmanas and others. These audiences like their Gurus to be Munis and Rishis. Or at least to look and speak like them as they have seen in all those mythological dramas on TV. The best titles for you will be Muni …. , Rishi…, Maharshi…. Yogi…..Brahamrishi… Swami…This audience likes Sanskrit in your title and name. No matter if they can't understand even a line of Sanskrit but if you have Sanskrit in your name, you are most likely to be accepted as a Genuine Indian Guru at the first stroke. They like whatever is old apart from wine. So choose a name which has a bit of Sanskrit in it. It is also advisable if you have a suffix to your name with a prefix. Anand and Nath are the most common suffixes these days. Your name could be like Maharshi Anekanand Nath, Muni Aghdanand Saraswati. Choose these kinds of a name.As you move up the ladder, your look becomes simpler. You should look more saintly. Have long hair and a flowing beard. You can score some extra points with white hair and beard but well, that is not in our hands.The luxury of flaunting those designer Kurta Pyjamas is gone. Here you need to wear a Lungi and a Simple Shawl on your upper part. This comes with only two colour options, Saffron or White. You can wear any of these colours, different shades of these colours will also do. Also the necklace material can't be the same. No more colourful stones. You should wear two necklaces one of Sphatic and one of Rudraksh. Try wearing Khadau instead of shoes or sandals for bonus points at least in public.4. Your Content :In this case your content will matter a bit but don't worry its not that difficult. For this you need to read books like Ramcharitmanas, Shiv Mahapuran, Srimad Bhagwat, Sadhak Sanhita, Guru Geeta, at least 10–15 of them. It doesn't matter if you can't understand a word of them. Just go through the Hindi translation of each of these books and rote whatever you can of them. Also rote some 40–50 Sanskrit Shlokas. 50 % of them should be commonly known and rest should be hard or impossible to find by a common disciple of yours.At this juncture you’ll have two choices. One, you can focus on the stories from our mythology and religious texts and create your web around it. Keep on explaining them to your audience who however have listened to them 100 times before but still love to listen to them. You need to be a star stage performer for that. You should laugh hysterically without a joke while orating , sometimes cry so loudly that the crowd also start crying whenever you are telling any sad part of a mythological story, even dance sometimes in ecstasy whenever you reach a joyful moment in your tale and be rest assured the public will also dance with you and will keep on dancing even after you have moved on to another chapter. A good Kurta Pyjama clad religious looking music band is a must for this path. In the 90s it was in popular fashion. There is a city called Vrindavan where the whole city is into this business only for the past 200 years.Many famous Indian Gurus followed this path and became successful. However for the last decade or so, this path has been unable to attract masses.Two, you create your own niche in a more Sanskrit based and difficult to understand theory. You never create a unique theory here, you simply confuse your audience with a new similar theory every time to the point they stop using their already tired brains looking for any meaning into it. The theory should always revolve around their Gods. It gives weight to your theory. Keep on adding the Spice of a Sanskrit Shloka after every 20–30 lines or so of your sermon. Never try to be too creative with this target audience. They don't like changes much. Just offer your recipe with one or two spices here and there and you’ll find millions of takers.The key here is the language and your pronunciation. Here you’ll have to speak Pure Hindi/ Shuddh Hindi mixed with Sanskrit phrases here and there. Do it with the perfect look i advised for this audience and you will win these masses. It’ll take you some good homework to reach at this level but with practice you’ll be able to converse in this Unique 90 % Pure Hindi + 10% Sanskrit Mix. Do not worry at all if you utter a Shloka incorrectly or if you forget the other line. The people you’ll be facing have no clue what are you talking about. But don't make mistakes in the Hindi part of your sermon. people will judge it easily.This interesting target audiences love to bribe their Gods in lieu of favours. Provoke them to bribe more but only through you as you are the only sovereign guardian of their money. The more they’ll bribe the more influence you’ll have. Slowly and steadily nurture their nature of bribing. It only makes the ticket to heaven costlier and gets you more money.You’ll need more than a Bhajan Mandli from here to grow further. Get a stage performance troupe of your own. They’ll do the Arti with slow dance moves and will further inspire the audience to dance in ecstasy with them later in the meditational part of your sermon. Don't focus too much on meditation here with this audience, a good number of them must have had attended a course in meditation from somewhere. They didn't find it interesting enough that’s one of the reasons they are here.The point to focus upon is this word ‘Sanyam’ ‘ celibacy’ . These target audiences love to know that their Indian Guru is a Brahmachari/ Celibate and he practices and preaches celibacy. It gives more confidence and a sense of security to your female audiences. Furthermore In India, people love this concept of celibacy while we have sex more than any other nation in the world. We are world’s fastest growing population by the way. But never say it.. just tell them what feats can they achieve by refraining from sex. And Oh ! don't worry about the future of your disciple’s, they in any case are not going to follow this part of your sermon. But you still need to say it emphatically if you wish to become a Real Big Indian Guru here.You also need to celebrate all indian festivals related to North and Central Indian Gods like Shivratri, Janmashtami, Navratr and so on with great pomp and show. Understand you are dealing with people who believe in different Gods and you as their common Indian Guru can't differentiate. This almost monthly exercise serves two purposes. One, You’ll have a better connect with your audience on a personal level as you’ll be meeting them almost on a monthly basis. Two, you’ll receive a lot of revenue in the form of donations during these festivals. See, your audiences bribe their God more on certain dates.Bless them all alike initially like in the previous case. Never promise anything but also never refuse to bless anyone. If some jerk comes later to you claiming that your blessings didn't work, tell him calmly that his heart is not pure. Give him some more gyaan on Sanyam/ Celibacy and he’ll never come back to you.Now its time for you to start a fortnightly or monthly magazine for your disciples. It again serves two purposes, one, you don't let them forget about you. You keep on knocking on their doors every other weekend. It’s about keeping your herd together. Moreover you get the access to other new potential audience as well. Magazines are not only read by their buyers, specially a spiritual looking one. They are distributed like Prasad to everyone the native thinks, he can enlighten after getting enlightened through it. Keep it a low cost affair. Ideally do it on no profit no loss basis. Its after benefits are huge. Do not worry too much about its content. Simply google a spiritual topic and cut copy paste. The original writer must be a nobody, this thing should be kept in mind while selecting the content. Pick at least 20 such contents for every edition of your publication. Moreover carefully insert at least 10 stories under fake names of your disciples thanking you for the ‘Chamatkaar’/ ‘Miracle’ they experienced after being blessed by you.You just need these fake stories only for initial 2–3 editions, after that people will themselves start sending you these stories in hundreds. Out of them choose stories where your disciple got seriously ill with a life threatening disease and after your blessing became fine. Also select the stories where your disciple got broke and after your blessing became a king again. That’s it. You are home.Start some charity now. Don't worry, you don't need to invest a single rupee from your pocket for that. These are all self sustaining drives, you’ll instead end up making money out of your charity projects through donations.The more intelligent of your followers don't like to give donations directly. They have this notion that you are already rich and why should they make you even richer. But they love to donate for social causes. By providing them an outlet where they can donate without guilt makes both of you happy. Your kind of person needs two types of charities, one , which are fixed assets, like a hospital, a residential school all completely free for everyone, two, charities which are movable like an eye surgery camp every 15 days, a blood donation camp etc etc. As your covered area is huge, you can't have a fixed charitable institution everywhere at least initially. So movable charity projects are a good idea for your brand promotion.Do the stuff as i have described and you are home.5. Revenue Model :With this target audience your coffers need to be really big. You’ll have multiple revenue sources and you’ll have to have a good teams of auditors and chartered accountants to handle your money wisely.First and the biggest liquid cash source will be donations. Your target audience loves to donate in one form of the other. Put Daan Patras at strategic locations initially as described in the earlier scenario and they’ll fill up in no time. Later remove Daan Patras and have specific offices instead at all your locations where your audiences also get a receipt for the donation made. It’ll give more legitimacy to your empire. Don't worry about the taxation part of it, a receipt is only a piece of paper for audience’s mental satisfaction. Fan this theory of Gupt Daan in your sermons and you’ll be even more safe.Run Free Food scheme for all as mentioned in earlier case at all your centres and your revenues will be sky rocketed.You’ll receive lands in form of donations more with this audience. However the difference will be that you won't receive big chunks of agriculture land as in earlier case. Remember, your target audience is urban now. You’ll receive smaller plots and houses but in bulk. You can go for an ashram in almost all districts of your area of influence in no time with the bigger plots you receive. For smaller plots and houses, when you have a good number of them from one location, sell them all and tell your audience that you’ll be buying a big land from all those earnings to set up a bigger ashram in that area. Now buy land near the biggest of the plot you have received and set up an ashram there. It’ll leave you with enough cash to spare even after buying all the nearby land.From all your charity centres you’ll receive enough revenues.After you are established, you should immediately go for FMCG products under your brand name. Don't go for clothes and stuff , focus only on FMCG. Remember, you already have a big consumer base who trusts you more than anyone else. This is a sure shot way to success.6. Political Patronage :For this target audience you need to play your political card wisely. You can't simply issue a voting appeal for a particular political party. Remember, you have a hug following which votes for different political parties as per their different regional aspirations. You meet every politician publicly without any discrimination. You wont get the same milage as you’ll receive in earlier case. May be a y security detail at the most but this’ll have hidden benefits. The politicians will help you manage your fairly gotten money with the help of their already established businessmen friends, obviously for a little cut. Also suppose if tomorrow you want to enter into Ayurvedic Medicine venture, just name it like Jambudweep Ayurveda Research Centre and you don't need to worry about its land cost anymore. The government will give you land for free. Just be cautious never to reveal your political preferences.Do’s :a. Preach Vegetarianism minus Onion and Garlic. Declare them Tamsik.b. Promote Cow Protection, open Few Gaushalasc. Remember and Preach your Golden Word ‘ Sanyam’ and Mention it in all Your Sermons, it Saves You from any Initial Scrutiny.Dont’s :a. Abstain from Wine and Woman till the time you want your Empire to remain Intact.b. Never Criticise any of your Competitorsc. Stay away from any Controversy.How to become an Indian Guru of Upper Middle Class Target Audience/ Disciples :1.Area of Operations :Your area of operations is pan India now. Your language of communication is English mostly now. Your target audience understands english no matter from which part of India they are from. You’ll also get some percentage of international audiences also but they are byproducts of your marketing exercise. You focus should be on this english speaking Indian upper middle class.2. Understanding Your Target AudienceNow this on is tricky. You really need to understand everything about their behaviours before you even think of becoming their Guru. This audience has money, property, self respect. They are not even afraid of their Gods. They know its too middle class to light a deepak every morning and evening in front of a Godly picture. They are educated and not interested in rites and rituals. They think these are all old orthodox systems invented by primitive people. They are philosophers in their own sense. This is younger crowd, mostly self made. They’ll only stay with you for a short duration, at the most 4–5 years, after that they’ll get too busy with their lives and will have no time for your gyaan, 80% of them. Rest 20 % will stay with you forever but don't worry every year you’ll receive fresh supply of your disciples. You can call them Spiritual Tourists. Remember that dialogue from movie Deewar, Mere paas bungalow hai, gaadi hai, bank balance hai, tumhare pass kya hai ? They want to fill this gap. This audience wants to scream , mere paas bunglow hai, gaadi hai, bank balance hai, aur Guru bhi hai.Remember, this is the audience which will make you stand in the company of Billionaire Indian Gurus. They won't be really big in numbers as in earlier cases but they have deep pockets with an irresistible desire of buying your spiritual knowledge. They have a consumer mindset, thanks to your predecessors who have taught them that they can buy enlightenment for a little pricy mrp tag.Most of them have read Sigmund Freud, George Bernard Shaw, Khalil Gibran, Rumi and so on and almost all of them have read Linda Gudman’s Love Signs at some point in their lives. Almost all of them have tried their hands on this or that technique of meditation as defined by your western competitors. Everyone of them comes with an individual world and spiritual view. They already know that there exists something called Healing, Emotional Healing, Pranic Healing, Reiki etc and people can be sent their healing quota through vibrations from thousands of miles away. I know it sounds weird but what can you do for that .They are yoga enthusiasts, they know the basis cardiac exercises taught to them in the name of yoga.They speak fluent english unlike the previous audiences. They won't go for any Indian Guru even remotely associated with a Religious Tag. They are looking for deep spiritual stuff which their predecessors had no clue about, armed with their recently acquired knowledge.They think inside a limited scientific sphere. Their spiritual shopping should happen within this scientific shopping mall of theirs. Every theory or practical they want to know or experiment should remain limited to this cocoon only.3. Your Name and Look :Understand you are not only an Indian Guru here, you are a Spiritual Entrepreneur . You’ll need an angel investor before you even start this journey towards Modern Sainthood unless you have saved enough for this spiritual business venture.Name part is easy. Focus on a name with a touch of Sanskrit with a modern outlook. Sanskrit names suggested in the earlier case won't do here, they are too middle-class for this audience. You can still use prefixes like Mahrishi, Brahmrishi and Guru and suffixes like Yogi, Brahmyogi etc. But your middle name should be contemporary with a touch of Sanskrit. Something like Mahrishi Anant Yogi, Shri Adwait Bhaskar Brahmyogi. Think of these kind of names.Your look will matter a lot, really a lot to this audience. remember its an audience with a consumer mindset. Your packaging will attract your disciples more than anything at the first sight. You must have long hair and a beard. This audience wants a traditional appealing face with a modern outlook. You should go for whites only now, Saffron may do also but white is my preference for you. The material of your upper shawl and your lungi should be of the finest quality. Try Belgium linen and Egyptian cotton.You should always look youthful. You’ll need a team of good make up artists all the time with you. Remember carefully, never ever step out even of your restroom without having that glowing face. This is not asking for too much keeping in mind that you are out to made a billion dollar empire.4. Your Content :Content is your weapon with this audience. You’ll have to do at least 2–3 years of rigorous homework before you even put your first step on this journey. It may take you even longer depending on your IQ level. But without it you won't survive even for a day in this market.English should be your preferred language. Remember, you are dealing with an audience who knows Hindi or any other regional language but prefers to communicate in English. Read and rote all works of Sigmund Freud, Bernard Shaw, Khalil Gibran, Rumi, Vedas, Upanishads, Shastras, Guru Yog Vashistha, all Samhitas and most importantly Geeta. You must learn Geeta by heart so that you can fix any of its shloka anywhere between your theory. It’ll give you immense legitimacy.Your theory has to be carefully crafted taking elements of ancient Indian knowledge and mixing them with its half baked versions written by the western authors. Read all the books written by our most famous 1970’s sex Guru. He had already researched a lot and derived his own unique theory based upon the synthesis i described above. Don't copy it as it is, this is only a reference material. Two biggest competitors of yours are already using his research in their respective unique theories. Just carefully weave your web taking elements from here and there. See, the key is to keep the theory complex to keep our audience confused. And you need a huge theory so that it becomes impossible for your target audience to understand what to make out of it unless they research it over the years and realise that there is nothing one can make out of it . Don't be scared, this is not gonna happen ever. Even if someone devotes his life to understand your theory and realise after wasting ten years go his life that you were just playing with words, even then he can't do any harm to you because there will be millions others who will still be under your influence to ward off that negative being. You are dealing with an audience who will remain under your influence for a shorter period of time. They are not even interested in transforming their lives using your theory. They are willing to get validated, what have they been thinking for years after reading the kinds of books i described above. You validate their own versions with authority and they are happy.The first most important word for you to spellbound your target audience is ‘Technique’. It comes with two names, one is ‘Kriya’ the other is ‘Yog’. Your audiences here are not lethargic, neither they can keeping on reading and debating your theory. They need activity. This is the most important part of your content.So you invent a Kriya or Yog by mixing a basic yoga exercise with a basic pranayam and give it a unique fancy name like Tatvdarshan Kriya or Vishuddh Yog. The key is that one set of this kriya or yog should atleast go on for 2–3 mins. You don't need any deep knowledge or research for it. Just a fancy name with any permutation and combination of basic yoga and pranayam will do. Add any impossible to find but easy to recite mantra to it and it’ll become your deadliest weapon. This Kriya or Yog will be your fastest selling off the shelf product and the basic source of your income initially. Later you can also add on different courses for different time durations adding your sermon lesson and your Kriya or Yog exercise. You need to have a very good first hand literature on how this Kriya and Yog can transform lives of the human race. The reader should feel that without this Kriya/Yog in his/her daily life, he/she would die like an ignorant being and the only thing which can save him/her from dying without enlightenment is this Kriya/ Yog. Again you create a complex web of a theory around it which claims to enhance the recipient’s energy level and takes him/her towards the ultimate realisation.The most important point with this product is, never sell it for free. Keep a pricy tag attached to it. So that whosoever buys it, he/she receives the energy associated with it. If you keep it free, people will complain that it doesn't help achieving anything but the moment they buy it for a high price, they’ll start telling themselves that ‘it works’. This’ll keep your disciples satisfied and will bring you more of them.The second most important word for you is ‘Energy’. You talk energy, you walk energy, you eat energy, you shit energy. Remember, everything is energy. Your competitors are using this word on a daily basis but it is still not oversold. Just change the theory around it a bit and it’ll work for you.Remove this word ‘ Sanyam/ Celibacy’ from your dictionary if you wish to be a True Indian Guru for this audience. If you utter this word even once in front of your target audience, they’ll all run away and will never come back. Refrain from chancing upon this topic everyday in your sermons. Invent a new fancy phrase for sex like Sacred Union of Two Energies. Just drop this hint in few of your sermons that its a spiritual process contaminated by our ignorance about the philosophical aspect of it.Write 15–20 books on diverse topics including the Sacred Union of two Energies. You don't require a lot of content for that. These will be 100 pages books , each dealing with a different aspect of your spiritual knowledge. 50% content of all your books will remain the same, rest you’ll have to juggle out.Create your own festivals. Celebrating Indian festivals will make you one from the crowd. Create your own festivals at your ease and celebrate them with all pomp and show. Invite the politicians and government of the time to it and you’ll get their support in organising it. It’ll also make you loads of money as here to this target audience, you sell everything. Nothing comes for free. Entry fees, accommodation charges, food bills everything will fetch you money. Target for at least half a million attendees and stretch it for 3–4 days to get the max out of it.Remember, at this stage you’ll be invited as a guest speaker for lots of events where you’ll have to give a moving speech about your movement. Well, that’s not a problem for you. The problem will be if they have live question answer session between their attendees and you. I am sure with the bag of knowledge you carry, you’ll easily silence the questioner but what if some jerk asks you an intelligent question which you have no clue about ? Trick of the trade is, dodge that question with a smile. Watch a lot of youtube videos of your current competitors doing it every now and then and master the art.For marketing purposes you’ll receive enough well educated unpaid manual labour who’ll take offs from their offices and will distribute your fliers in local markets trying to enlighten others. On weekends you’ll receive so many applications for this unpaid manual labour pending in front of you that your fliers supply will not be enough for the day.Once you are established, go for paid advertisement. Try youtube, Facebook, national newspapers, any media you can get your hands on. English Channels will sell you their airtime for a spiritual discourse on a discount as they are also aware how you are spending your hard earned money just to enlighten this society. Trust me, no-one will ever doubt your good intentions.Give your organisation names like Knowledge centre, xyz foundation, abc mission. Never ever call it an Ashram or Sanstha, that’s too middle class for your audience.Do charity that appeals to the class not the mass. With your newly found money, by big farms, produce only organic stuff and sell it to the same well educated free of cost manual labour who have toiled hard in your fields to make it grow on 10 times profit. Go for luxury Ayurveda products range and sell this one too on a 10 times margin and trust me no one will question you about your margins as no one knows what goes inside it.Open a huge school and a huge multi speciality hospital and keep it free for all and it’ll work wonders for your PR. Your PR agency will make sure that you are photographed enough with patients to maintain your saintly image. Lot of other PR exercises will be suggested to you if you go for a good agency. Follow their professional advice and you’ll be home.5. Revenue Model :Donations will never be a major part of your spiritual business empire. Your empire will work more like a corporate company selling spiritual remedies and products. In most of your products, there is no raw material cost involved. Your more influenced disciples/customers will teach your Kriya/Yog techniques to your new disciples/customers for free at your centres across the country but these new disciples/customers will pay you few thousand rupees in fees for a 3–4 hours class. No other industry can work on these margins in this world other than yours.Product sales from organic, ayurvedic stuff will also be a significant part of your revenue generation.You’ll work on franchise model for expansion. Where in you’ll give the license to open your spiritual shop/centre to a wealthy and influenced channel partner for a nonrefundable sum. Even if you keep it refundable to satisfy a skeptic channel partner, you can easily enjoy annual interest on the deposit made for good 4–5 years.Sales from your literature and audio/video will never be a significant part of your revenue generation. These are more for PR exercise.If we look at the numbers of your would be disciples and the margin you’ll be charging, in 2–3 years time, you’ll enter the club of Billionaire Indian Gurus.6. Political Patronage :In this case you won't receive any serious political patronage and trust me you don't need any. You just invite the ones in power and in opposition equally to your festivals and functions and that would be enough. Understand you are pan India now, and you should be seen as a person who is above all this little realities of life like politics. Now you would be attending world spiritual events, some foreign assemblies will also invite you to enlighten them.Remember, you are beyond the boundaries of nation, religion, caste and creed now. And your sole purpose is to spread peace and harmony among humankind.Do’s :a. Spread Vegetarianism with no likes or dislikes for Onion and Garlic.b. Promote Organic way of lifec. Quote from various scriptures but never tread on the Religious PathDont’s :a. Stay away from controversies and political alignmentb. Never criticise any competitorSo, my dear Upcoming Indian Guru Sensation, take your pick from any of these options available and i assure you, you’ll make a wonderful Indian Guru. I have summarised my answer to your query in this ‘ pocketbook for making it big in Indian Guru Market’PS : This piece is a work of satire written in a light hearted manner . I am not against any Spiritual Organisation or any Guru or its disciples or followers. Above stated work of literature is based upon my keen observation for the past 15 years of our Indian Spiritual Industry and on my many one to one clandestine conversations with most of the past and current Big Indian Gurus.RegardsAghor Bhadra

That dogs are NOT little people in furry coats. They don’t understand concepts such as “right” or “wrong”; these are human constructs. (Quite a few PEOPLE don’t understand them either, apparently.)Dogs understand one concept: Dichotomy. (Okay, they ALSO understand loyalty, trust, and devotion. But those were a bit much to shove into this narrative…)Dominance. or submission. ONE of the two of you is the boss. Or “allowed” and “not allowed” if you need words that are slightly less loaded.Of course, a lot of people think dominance is the same as yelling, screaming, hitting, etc. When your boss walks into a room to start a meeting, is screaming a prerequisite?Does he or she have to hit people with paper to be the leader? (ok, I have had a few that behaved EXACTLY like this…)On the whole, a successful leader is dominant simply by their presence.Even people can sense this; most of you have probably met or been around someone who naturally gave you the impression that they were the one who called the shots.Dogs sense this as well; one can NOT fake it.Bluster, puffery, braggadocio, yelling, hitting etc. None of these make you the boss.You either ARE, or you ARE NOT. (when I see someone walking a dog and they are being pulled all over the street I know EXACTLY who is calling the shots…)Now, by beating the mutt senseless you can sometimes get them to do something, but have you ever notices how people that yell and scream and hit will have to KEEP yelling and screaming and hitting until the end of time?If you come back three months later the behavior will be the same- nothing will have changed. (and this is true of child-rearing as well)And it’s because fear and respect are NOT synonymous words. A dog will want to please you out of respect; they will simply want to avoid your bad mood out of fear.(This picture makes me SERIOUSLY question whether I am more intelligent than him…meet Kronk, the four-footed leader of the pack.)And, since they are NOT little people, they may or may not know what sets you off.So they live a miserable existence, trying to figure out what to do to make you be their friend and to stay away from the yelling zone.2nd EDIT: Okay, for the people that insist that “dominance” as I describe means fear, or “alpha-rolling” or “breaking” (as in to break a horse) a dog’s personality: I don’t do any of that garbage. These guys are my friends, and the communication is up to me. Study the way that the German Lippizonor (sp?) Stallions are trained; the level of trust and friendship between them and their handlers is the sort that I am striving to create.It makes me want to scream when I see some video where the owner is trying to ascertain ‘guilt’ by a dog’s body language (“Now, Toby, Bryce, which one of you was the bad doggie that ate mommy’s battery-powered toy??”) and of course, both dogs will hunker down.You get the EXACT same reaction if you come in and ask “Toby, Bryce, which one of you just gave up the nuclear launch codes to Canada?”And this is ALWAYS the fault of the ‘master’.Trust me, I spend FAR more time in ‘Obedience’ Training with the owner than I ever do with the dogs.People are stunned when I can have a dog heeling in a few minutes, or holding still, or letting me cut their nails.But it’s because I ASK them, not yell orders. (admittedly, when I ASK I am fully EXPECTING the request to be honored).I am the boss. It’s not just posturing, or running my mouth.(Introducing Teddy (“I AM the Law!”) Bear…this was posture training.)I really really am.I will step between my dogs and a strange dog if aggression starts (protect the pack).I will pick up a dog that can’t walk.I will NOT yell if someone pees on the carpet accidentally (look for Urinary infections).And I WILL pull the plug (and spend our last few moments together holding paws) if the pain gets to be too much.In short, my dogs LIKE me and want to spend time with me. (Of course, when Princess Kimmie walks in I am abandoned and considered of no importance. Not the momma.)Some are a little tougher than others (and some are downright psychotic) but as a general rule, I can change a dog’s personality in a minute or two.The owners, well, they take substantially longer…And some of them could benefit from a little neutering…EDIT: I got asked exactly how does one establish “dominance”. Kinda tough to say; the word is really loaded with bad connotations. Perhaps “Pack Leader” is better? In any case, these are some of my ideas for becoming an effective leader for Fido, and probably is not a bad template for children in general.Doesn’t work for shit for cats…Bravo for getting him neutered! Lots of opinions on whether this is good (answers are: it depends) but I think a good place to start in dog training would be to watch Caesar Milan's Dog Whisperer and anything you can get your hands on from Victoria Stilwell. This will approach your training from two unique viewpoints, and let you craft your program to your own tastes.(“Hey dad! You up yet? ARE YOU UP?!? WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY!!”)Now, you will need to be patient-you and doggo are NOT speaking the same language yet, so miscommunication is bound to occur.And remember: You will get FAR better result if you make this FUN for Fido! Make hem/her WANT to go out to yet another fun and treat training session; make it one of the high points of their day.But a good pattern to (patiently!) follow is this:1. WEAR THEIR ASSES OUT! This means EVERY Day! If that tongue is dragging the ground the amount of sass that you will receive will be minimized. This can be accomplished by structured walks (2 minutes on leash acting like a loon, 20 minutes heeling and walking at proper spacing, 2 minutes at end of walk to sniff)2. Give them a job to do. We put backpacks on and make them wear them for a walk. In fact, we add dried beans (up to 10% of body weight) to increase the workload. I am serious, you will not believe how PROUD they are to have a purpose.3. Train, Train, Train. Have one or two things that you work on at a time. We use popcorn for treats, as they can eat a bunch without overeating. Some dogs are corn allergic, so keep eyes open. Make sure to do things in tiny tiny steps, and reward along the way. Make this FUN!4. Punish-well, not really. I will cuff a dog (no more than Mommie dog will do) to catch their attention, but under no circumstances will I strike or cause pain. I want the dog to trust me, and hitting it is kinda the antithesis of this. Basically, I will correct bad behavior with a light tug on a choke collar (these can be REALLY useful, but you HAVE to learn how to use them-THEY ARE NOT STRANGLE COLLARS. We use a “pinch” style collar; its sole purpose is to catch attention. Lots of really smart people refuse to use them, so it’s up to you. Not a believer in prong collars, but opinions on this are mixed as well. No newspapers, water guns, or loud noises that hurt ears. These all suck. And don’t get me started on shock collars-I use them, but we gut the electronics so all they can do is beep. I use this for long-distance training, but it’s an alert device only.5. Affection. Everything follows rules, so I don’t let anyone jump up on me or guests, When a dog comes over to me with a toy to play, however, there is simply nothing more important in my day than to drop what I am doing! Seriously, they are coming over to you to ask you to play with them; this is quite an honor!6. Pay Attention! Watch for behavior changes-sudden peeing on the carpet, slow to get up, reluctance to eat, etc. We don’t ever “Wait and See”. Our vet had made Mercedes payments I am sure, but I don't care. It is MY responsibility as leader of the pack to make whatever necessary sacrifices that I have to make to keep my group healthy.7. Patience.Patience.Patience.Patience.Patience. Did I mention Patience? Each dog is different and will learn different things at different rates. Pay attention.8. Consistency. If something is a No-no, then it always needs to be a no-no. Don’t let them do something one time, and then change the rules on them the next. This will drive them into depression. We had a “No Dogs in the Living Room” rule. When Thumper broke it (and wouldn’t go back to the kitchen) it was my first clue that something was really really wrong. In this case, we rushed her to the vet. level four heart murmur; start digging. She was telling me that something was wrong; thank god I listened.9. Be the Leader. This means ALWAYS, and includes the extremely bad as well as the good. Especially when FIdo has come to the end of his life, and needs you to make the soul-crushing decision to end the pain. Stay in the room with them; don’t let the last thing that they see is you walking away. Make SURE that the trust and devotion that they have given you are rewarded by you staying with them to the (very) bitter end.(“NEW FLASH! SAVAGE Rock-waller terrifies residents while visiting at local nursing home-Here’s why YOU should be frightened…film at 11”)10. Be Aware. Your mood affects your dog; whether they sense it because of posture, body language, or change in body chemistry (that they can smell) is still being debated. Don’t go near Fido in a bad mood, unless it’s to get comfort from them. They will usually jump up to the task of making you feel better. I have lost track of how many times a mutt has jumped into the bed with me when I was sick and brought me their favorite toy to play with. They seemed to hope that it would make me feel better.In summary, being Dominant is more about doing the right things with consistent behaviors than about badgering and underling to submit to your whims.When Fido trusts you to be not just a friend but a competent leader you will be astounded at how life turns out.This is an attitude as much as a set of pre-programmed moves, but the reward for patiently striving for excellence is beyond description.And for those of you that have asked, my wife and I are starting the North Carolina Rotweiller Rescue. (But if something shows up on my doorstep looking like it needs a meal then I am going to take it in, whether it is a dog, cat, opossum, or a fruit bat).We are both getting our Wildlife Rehabilitation certifications, and want to be a branch of the Guardians of Rescue, with emphasis on helping find abandoned animals during hurricanes and what-not.We currently have a 15-acre farm that we just got; my plan is to put tiny homes on it to house people and their pets during natural disasters.More to come I am sure!EDIT: And sometimes, well, things don’t work out very well.I Never Imagined Anything Could Hurt This Badly.When I was growing up, I was told two HUGE whoppers by my dad... he had the best of intentions, mind you, but these were just plain wrong.I have found smaller ones, for example, it turns out that ‘honesty’ (like a few other virtues that come to mind) is sometimes vastly overrated. Or that ‘there’s good in everybody’.”That one has turned out to be a big disappointment (and dead wrong) as well.But these two are the biggest. The first: There was no such thing as monsters.I haven’t figured out whether he was lying to me, or just wrong.I have been dealing with a particularly savage monster for a while now. His name is “Osteosarcoma” a bone cancer-unbelievably aggressive and QUICK), and he has picked our friend Kronk out as his victim.Kim and I have been fighting it tooth and nail for over three months, but each day we get a little weaker and the bad guy gets a little stronger.We knew we were going to lose in the end, of course-but that in no way changes one’s obligation to crawl into the ring and deal out as serious a beating as you can manage-until you just simply can’t.The bell rings and the final round ends.We did manage to forcibly take some additional time-by breaking a few heads and going to some places we don’t normally go. We snaked some compounds that gave cancer a severe setback-fighting the various government agencies that didn’t want us to have it for some reason.But we could only hit the “snooze” button a certain number of times before we are faced with the inevitable; a birth certificate is a two-part form. And, sooner or later, the second page is going to come into play.There is always something uniquely horrible about looking into a friend’s eyes and knowing that they are in pain.That they don’t understand why you can’t do anything about their hurting, or even why it occurred in the first place.Why, as leader of the pack, you promised to protect them against all that would do them harm and are failing so miserably.And yet, even as you flail and rail and scream into the night, they forgive you; they are concerned about the howl of misery that you are fighting to keep from leaping from your lips and slashing at the very sky.And why your promise includes yourself as one of the ones that you will protect them against.No matter how hard you rail, no matter how loudly you scream, there comes a point where you are hurting them to hold off your pain as long as you possibly can.The second lie was this: that time heals all wounds.No, it doesn’t.The best you can hope for is that you’ll learn to live with the gash in your soul, and maybe avoid tearing it open too often.But, the hole that has been torn in your very being never truly goes away.Like a mirror that shatters in front of your eyes-you can still make out the image, but the picture will never ever be whole again.All you’ll ever be able to do is catch glimpses out of the corner of your eye of the crystalline multi-colored fragments of endless shattered dreams.Dreams of playing ball.Dreams of barking at leaves, at chasing motes of dust in a sunbeam.Dreams of long walks by the lake, sniffing and sniffing and sniffing.And grinning. God, how I am going to miss that grin.And you wonder how this can happen to someone that has never ever hurt anyone in his life.I have had a rougher life than plenty of people; was on the road for a great part of my college life (went weeks at a time without seeing the sun) and have seen some things that will truly make one question whether there can possibly be a God that watches over us.Of course, that pretty much proves the point, for without some sort of caretaker this race would have been doomed a long, long time ago-taken to ground by the first woodchuck that we happened across.But why does Kronk have to go, when so many undeserving manufacturers of misery seem to thrive?But if it hadn’t been for one of those trogs, I never would have met Kronk in the first place-perhaps there is a plan after all.If I were running things, we (dogs, cats, people) wouldn’t have different life spans—with reference to Ernie Stewart, we would live ripe old ages and pass side-by-side a few hours apart in warm safe beds surrounded by friends and loved ones.And how can one ever survive losing a parent-or worse-losing your child? Bill Steffens said it to me best:“Kids kind of expect to outlive their parents. Parents never expect to bury their child.”If your wife dies, you are a widower.If your husband dies, you are a widow.If your parents die, you are an orphan.But when your pet and best friend dies…there’s not even a word for it. That’s how truly awful it is.If I am going through this after only knowing a non-vocalizing furry pain-in-the-rump (sometimes) for a few years, how can anyone ever keep going?I would give anything to keep that question rhetorical….One of the things that we were proudest of in Kronk was how many other mutts he helped rehabilitate; our goal was to have him spend out his days going to the old-folks and retirement homes to cheer those guys up a little.With that loopy grin and his doofy head shake, everyone who ever met him instinctively trusted him. Except with salmon-don’t trust him with salmon. He weighed that cost-benefit and elected to go for the goal.I am trying to focus on the good that he has accomplished-at the joy that he brought into our and countless other lives.He didn’t just sit in a back yard somewhere; he served as an ambassador to help increase the awareness that, like people, your appearance doesn’t dictate who you are.And, he converted quite a few people that would have otherwise not known how much fun he could be, or how happy a big slobbery mutt can make you.The older folks didn’t seem to be terribly amazed that he was friendly—they just seemed to be happy that he was paying attention to them without any reason other than he liked them. Going to miss that as well!Just left the vet after looking at an x-ray that appears tobe a time-lapse of mushrooms growing; the lungs aren’t even recognizable anymore.Of course, this isn’t a judgment call-I guess I can thank God for that small mercy. Very small, in fact.I think about the nights getting up to take him out at 3 a.m., the picking of his 100-lb carcass out of bed every morning (he was sleeping with Kim—I got the sofa) and placing him back in bed every night. The specialty food, the running home at lunch to give him pain meds.Having to watch him on the sofa; he wanted to go harass and play with the other dogs, but we couldn’t take the risk of him shattering an already fragile leg.The constant travel to get high-pH water, the reading of so many bloody labels to avoid processed sugar that I was ready to scream (it’s in EVERYTHING!).Fighting to get him to go outside to pee (it hurt to walk) and then fighting again to get him to come back to dinner.We would do it again without hesitation!But as I drive home from the vets(I pulled off the highway to write this before it escaped my mind; typing on this shitty little cell-phone is a punishment in itself), I am struggling with the fact that we get only one more sunrise.No more ball playing.No more licks or mooching from the table.No more ringing the back door chimes to be let out.No more snoozing in a comfy sunbeam.No more snoring at the foot of the bed.No more enthusiastic greetings when I get home.No more nuzzling my arm when he wants to be petted.And I guess now I realize that Dad lied to me one more time:“Big boys don’t cry.”I can hardly see the road.YET ANOTHER EDIT:I have a buddy that has just been hit with something similar. Maybe this will help him not have to go through this.Hi Everyone!As most of you know, I am heavily involved with Rottweiller rescue, and I try really really hard to stay away from the PBS style money begging when a hard-luck case comes by.Heck, even I can't donate to every mutt that I help-I would have been bankrupt a LONG time ago; as such I try to keep my "we need cash" pleas to all of my friends to a bare minimum.(Truthfully, if something shows up on my doorstep looking like it is lonely and needs a meal then it is going t get fed, a bed, and maybe even a kiss as it gets tucked in, whether it is a dog, cat, horse, or a fruit bat)And this is one of those-for anyone that follows him, Ed Heldt is a first responder and has been posting an "Ask Uma" blog for the last year or so.He lost his first love, Frankie about two years ago-and I am unfortunately in the know of how devastating it is to lose one of your four-legged friends.Frankie was a Rottweiller, just like Uma is.When you lose a wife, you become a widower.When you lose a husband, you become a widow.When you lose a parent, you become an orphan.But when you lose your furry companion and soul-mate...there's not even a word for it.It is simply that awful.I need to be blunt; Bone and Lymph cancer in Rottweillers is serious and has a very low survival rate.We are very likely not buying a cure.But we ARE buying more time...and in truth, that is all that a cure (for any of us) really is.Any funds we raise for this are going to buy hopefully a LOT more time.Although he may not see eye to eye with each of you from a political standpoint, I promise that when he is pulling you from a burning car that will not be a topic that he brings up.This man has contributed a ton to his community as a first responder, and if you guys could help take some of this financial heat off of his head I would take it as a personal favor.In fact, he set up "Frankie's Fund, where donations go to help people-like him now- that are strapped and can't afford the vet bills.There are "Compassionate Care loans that can help him through this, but although he has applied this COVID crap has slowed everything done and prevented him from getting a timely consideration.Same deal as always; even $5 helps. If you can help by sharing that would be even better.Last, he could always use a few words on empathy; I am sorry to tell you that I know EXACTLY what he is going through.I am asking everyone to donate directly to the vet (hey, I have been scammed by a sob story; no reason for anyone else to go through it!)The contact info is 315-446-7933. Uma's Patient intake # is 123767. These folks will GLEEFULLY take your money.edman--Ed Heldt15 hrsUma update : I just spoke with Uma's surgeon regarding the results of her X Ray's and the report on the needle aspiration of her mandibular lymph node. The good news is her lung n chest xrays are cancer free. The lymph node biopsy came back showing sum mast cells in her lymph node. Blood work suprisingly normal, which is good news. Surgery to remove this tumor and remove the suspect lymph node. Surgery scheduled for this coming Monday @7am. The bad news is I'm still about $1800 short. I have approx $2100 credit thanks to all of you. I've paid over $1000 to get us to this point. I've applied for a personal loan, waiting for approval. I know I've asked alot but as you know Uma is all I have. If I gotta rob a fuking bank shes having surgery on monday!!! MUAH N PEES OUT😘❤ If u wish to donate u can call the vet with a direct donation their number is 315-446-7933. Tell them u wish to donate to Umas account. Umas patient ID is 123767...ty to everyone who donated. Ty to everyone who pray for us and for your support💯❤❣