Families With Children With Special Needs - Wisconsin Department: Fill & Download for Free

I grew up 30 miles from the birthplace of the Republican Party. And I was a public school teacher in that state, the son of two public school teachers in that state.Let me tell you what the Republican Party did to my first career as a public school teacher.First, a little background, because this is actually relevant.Teaching in Wisconsin up to 2010When I was young in the 90’s, the economy was doing pretty well, and the teachers’ union was hauling districts to arbitration over pay raises.See, the private sector was doing great. Folks were getting thousand-dollar bonuses just because the companies were doing awesome. Raises were common, often 4–5% a year.Districts didn’t want to pay that, so the unions took them to arbitration, and arbitrators consistently came back with awards consistent with the prevailing wage increases of the private sector.So Republicans passed a law called the Qualified Economic Offer, or QEO. Basically, as long as the districts and state offered a certain percentage increase, the unions were banned from taking it to arbitration. It was about 2.5–3%. At the time, all my folks’ private sector friends were laughing at my parents.After the dot-com bubble burst and took a sizable piece of the economy with it in the early 2000’s, that laughing turned to resentment after a couple of years when the teachers were still getting raises slightly over the cost of living while the private sector had seen serious contraction.Bush deregulated the health care industry, and premiums and deductibles started skyrocketing. When I was a child, a thousand dollar deductible was considered outrageous and only for catastrophic insurance at the fringes of the market. My uncle recalls that family health insurance when I was a child, whole family insurance with dental and vision, was $40 a month through his employer. By the time I was a teenager, that had more than tripled for the average family.So, suddenly, this QEO was looking no longer like a way to stick it to the teachers and keep them from these massive arbitration awards and resentment grew at the “sweet deal” giving teachers a raise above the private sector every year. So, it was repealed by those same Republicans.I graduated from college right about the Great Recession. I was student teaching while it happened. I watched the markets crash every day when I checked the Dow at the end of school.My mentor teacher had been on a wage freeze for five years. (To pre-empt the peanut gallery, yes, Democrats were in charge of the state during that period. The question asked about what Republicans have done, and it’s not a binary white-hat-black-hat situation.) What she was forced to pay into health insurance had gone up by 10% in that span; literally every year she was making less than the year before in take-home pay.It was pretty grim for teachers at that time in 2008–2009. We all thought it was the bottom.Then the Tea Party took over.Scott Walker and Act 10In 2010, Scott Walker got elected. The very first thing that he did upon taking office in 2011 was to gin up a financial “crisis” for the state by using some accounting tricks to come up with a three-billion-dollar budget shortfall and claiming the state was flat broke.[1] He used this justification to ram through, with as little public debate as possible, breaking multiple open meetings laws and open records laws, a bill called Act 10.[2]Act 10 was aimed at gutting public sector unions, particularly targeting teachers and municipal workers. The police and fire unions, in a naked display of political favoritism, were exempted because they supported Walker’s election bid.The Act kept unions alive in name, but puts draconian restrictions on them. The only thing that the unions can bargain collectively for now is over base wages, capped at inflation and based on the lowest rung of any pay scale used. A 30 year veteran teacher with a master’s degree would only see a raise capped at inflation and based on a first-year teacher’s salary, if any raise were issued at all.Unions now have to recertify every single year, not by a majority of votes cast, but a majority of possible votes. Anyone choosing not to vote is considered a no vote, in other words. Failure to recertify means that the union was dissolved and barred from re-forming for five years.Public sector unions are barred under Act 10 from collecting “fair share” payments. Under Federal laws, unions must represent all workers in a place of employment, whether they are part of the union or not. Fair share laws were designed to fix the “freeloader” problem; they provided a reduced payment collected from non-union employees to offset the cost of the fact that the union had to negotiate their contracts as well.Since the unions now had to cover the entire state’s public employment, but could essentially no longer collect any dues or fair share payments from anyone who didn’t want to pay up, and because they were relegated to essentially powerlessness over any working conditions, union enrollment dropped by more than half virtually overnight.Oh, it gets better.See, Walker made the assumption that teachers paid nothing towards their health care insurance and pensions.Some districts, as a fringe benefit to make up for low salaries, had been paying the employee’s share of the required pension payments. Additionally, unions had made the choice to push for continued benefits like health insurance rather than salary increases over the years. Other districts, especially rural districts with declining enrollment, had been already requiring their teachers to pay more significant costs towards health care for several years already.Walker’s assumption was that every school district had been giving their employees everything for free, and that’s how he sold it to the people of Wisconsin.So, that justified a $1.6 billion dollar cut to public education, which would be “made up” by forcing all teachers to pay more for health insurance and pension costs. It barred districts from making up any of that cut by increasing property taxes. The average district cut was in the millions of dollars.In the first district I taught in, this resulted in every teacher taking between a ten to twenty percent pay cut.Act 10 gutted tenure protections and civil service protections, to “give districts tools” to manage these draconian cuts. It was supposed to make it easier to fire bad teachers. In the hands of honest administrators, it did.In the hands of dishonest administrators, we ended up with what Hustisford School District chose to do: fire every single teacher in the district and offer them their jobs back… at first-year salary. A 30-year veteran teacher with a master’s degree would have to return to work with an effective 50% pay cut, and be paid the same as a teacher fresh out of college with a bachelor’s degree.The UW SystemMore cuts were leveled at the University of Wisconsin System, one of the oldest completely public higher education systems in the nation, and the most extensive system of technical colleges, 2-year colleges, and 4-year institutions in the country. My alma mater was saddled with enough cuts that it is now facing a five-million-dollar-per-year structural deficit. As with the public school districts, those cuts came with specific bars against raising tuition to make up any difference.Walker’s justification was that all of these cushy professors were only teaching one or two classes and worked less than ten hours a week. This was rated “pants on fire,” but that didn’t stop Republicans from reciting the party line.Wisconsin is now absolutely desperate for public teachersAfter eight years of this, Wisconsin’s enrollment in teacher training programs is at record lows. Ten percent of the profession quit within the first year after Act 10 passed.[3] The attrition rate still remains above the national average.Rural districts with low tax bases are especially hard hit. High-tax-base communities like Mequon can afford to pay substantially higher salaries and benefits, and so they poach more qualified or highly-respected teachers from rural or lower-base areas.My brother-in-law, an orchestra teacher, was offered a five-figure signing bonus and a 10% salary increase to switch districts across the state to a wealthier community. Great for him; can’t blame him for taking it. The more rural community he left is now considering cutting the orchestra program because they can’t find a teacher willing to take the job. They’ve been making do with a band director who doesn’t really know strings for two years.It’s gotten so bad that legislators have considered multiple proposals to offer provisional licensure to people who have literally no educational or pedagogy training whatsoever if they have any experience tangentially related to the field they want to teach in.Technology education has been especially hard-hit, because those teachers realized five years ago that they could make twice as much in the private sector as engineers and welders.Morale is at an all time lowMy friends who are sticking it out in education right now are reporting that morale has never picked up even a little bit in the last six years.Communities in general continue to believe that teachers are getting a sweet ride at the public trough, even though more and more of them are needing to take up second jobs to make ends meet. One of my best friends works at Olive Garden three nights a week and on weekends to pay her bills. Another works the security gate for Fleet Farm so he can grade papers while at his second job.In my last year of teaching, I was called a glorified babysitter by a parent at a conference. I did the math on the board right in front of them, just for their kid, for the amount of time I spent with that kid, at $5/hour. It was more than their property taxes. (That parent got pissy and left my room in a huff when I figured the final numbers.)Why did I leave?I was doing nothing but fighting battles for my students. I was putting in, on average, a 75–80 hour work week, and 90 hours a week was not uncommon. I’d get to school at 6:30 am to beat the copier rush, and typically stayed until 5–6 pm working with students, to go home and down a bite of whatever I had in my constantly-running crock pot, and grade and lesson plan until 10 PM to midnight. Lather, rinse, repeat. 12–14 hours on Saturday, often another 6–10 on Sunday; more if the end of a quarter approached.And I made $35,500 for that.The school board came out with a new wage schedule for us that it expected would cover the next thirty years.If I got every raise, every pay scale step increase, got a master’s degree and National Board certification, never got married, had a child, or incurred any serious debts, and assuming the long-term average in the stock markets and that Walker didn’t screw up the pension system (something he’d been considering,) I calculated that I’d likely be able to retire at 76.Seventy-six.If I lived frugally and saved wisely and was very, very lucky.I asked some of my friends what they thought. They all pointed out that I’d considered law school in the past, and that I had a passion for much of what I could do there.I made the decision to apply to law schools, resigned my teaching position, and never looked back. And I have never regretted that decision for a moment.The attitude towards education in the Republican Party has gotten worse, not betterI’ve attended various Republican Party meetings, trying to change things from the inside. I despair that nothing will change their minds, and if anything, anti-intellectualism has gotten more entrenched.From fears over Common Core standards to the pervasive belief that public education is simply a waste of money and we should all go back to private schools and homeschooling, it is clear to me that the beliefs in the Republican Party right now are decidedly against public education.I’ve heard nothing but praise for Betsy DeVos as she attempts to dismantle the Department of Education. (If only it weren’t for that “deep state” that stymies her! Actual thing heard at one of these meetings with knowing nods all around.)A significant majority of the people at these meetings either homeschool their kids or send them to private religious schools. Those who do not are mysteriously quiet and will not meet my eye when I try to get their views on the topic.When I ask about the local schools, most reply that their local public school is pretty good. However, they will invariably tell me that they are absolutely certain that public education itself is failing and that schools elsewhere are terrible because something something PARCC and international tests. Do they know how standardized tests work? No. Would they like me to explain it to them? Eyes glaze over.I’m one of them, you see. Those edumacated folks. Those people who think they know more because they got a piece of paper hanging in their office. (I’ve been told this to my face and heard it plenty of times behind my back.)The Republican Party doesn’t want to see public education. They want to see publicly funded education, and that as limited as possible. They want their children to go to schools that teach an ideology that they want, and to keep their kids away from certain other kids.And so public schools will simply continue to become a dumping ground for high-poverty students and kids with special needs.Elsewhere around the countryRepublican stronghold Kansas has been forced to go to a four-day week amidst teacher shortages because they can’t even fund schools enough to keep the lights on that long. Teachers have to have the four-day week to get second or third jobs to afford to make it work.[4]Teachers are fleeing South Carolina[5] and other typically red states to work in states that are adequately funding education and fostering public respect towards teachers.Why is the Republican Party often portrayed as being against public school teachers?Because my experience, the experience of my colleagues, and the evidence all suggest that they are.Footnotes[1] Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker says Wisconsin is broke[2] Wis. Assembly Cuts Union Rights[3] Here's what happened to teachers after Wisconsin gutted its unions[4] Amid teacher shortage, four-day school districts can't afford to go back, superintendents say[5] Classrooms in Crisis: Why SC teachers are quitting in record numbers

Photo courtesy of Sterling Clarren, M.D. (Brain on the left: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome aka FAS. Brain on the right: not alcohol exposed.)Frankly, I have been avoiding answering this question because the answer is bone crushing for both the parents and the child… and for me. Raising a child who has a FASD to adulthood can put unbelievable stress on a marriage, can crush those who don’t know what they are doing, and crush the child whose parents believe that love is enough. Parents have written books to answer this very question.A very important piece of information to know is that this is a spectrum. Only 10% of children born with a fetal alcohol syndrome disorder have the signature facial traits, lower I.Q., (but usually not retarded) and small head. They are frequently beautiful children so people don’t notice these traits. The other 90% who have FASD, which is not a diagnosis, have no distinguishable physical traits so it is a completely hidden disorder. However, whether a person has FAS or the FASDs, all still have the same core problems that include cognitive and behavioral disorders and learning problems.As a parent you will need to learn strategies to help them to conquer the overwhelming hurdles they face. Our daughter failed pre-school and kindergarten twice. She desperately wanted to be with other children to interact, but was too afraid to be left alone. So, I sat in the back of the room at the teacher’s request for one year. When she finally got into first grade, she had a nervous breakdown. I had to drive to the school to carry her limp body home. These children are extremely fragile. It took a year for her to recover.Major life changes to accommodate our childrenSince there was no appropriate or safe school for our child, we sold our home and relocated 3000 miles to a state that had specialized private schools funded at 100% by the state. Out-of-pocket expenses would have been $40,000 per year until 12th grade in our home state. This was all part of raising a child with FAS. If the child can’t make the adjustment, the parent has to. Or as we usually say: Since you can’t change the child, you have to change the environment.Medical and other issuesSevere medical issues can cause an additional neverending rollercoaster for the entire family. These are not just financial concerns. Watching your children, teens, and young adults suffer physically will break your heart. My heart has been repeatedly broken as a mother and a counselor for parents raising children with FASDs. Only recently I dared to ask the question: What is the average lifespan of individuals with FASDs? Studies conclude: thirty-four-years-old. Our daughter just turned thirty-four. As parents, we already see the signs. And here we thought our biggest fear was how will our adult children navigate their lives without us? Who will manage their finances?Are there those with FASDs who make it in life?Only about 5% of adults who have FASD will ever be high functioning. I have seen a few unicorns who beat the odds, but they emotionally paid a very high price. Remember that their central nervous systems have also been compromised so good luck finding a real career that isn’t stressful. They, too, have had to conquer learning disabilities that made learning so over-the-top difficult.Parents be advised. Always keep the future in mind.Keep a detailed paper trail of all records, especially school and medical records. You will need all the ammunition you can muster to fight for S.S.I. when your child reaches 18. Keep duplicates when you do file because most of us have had the experience of having the government somehow lose this mound of records at least two or three times. Know that S.S.I. is retroactive to the date you filed. Also, I never hired a lawyer. Waste of money. I knew I would fight harder than they.Parenting Advice:For the first 6 years, I had to give up my career. These are 24/7 babies, toddlers, children, and teens. Once they were in school, I went into teaching high school so I could have the same hours. Even with one child, my husband and I lost date night. We couldn’t leave this child with just any babysitter. It took quite some time before we found an adult who could handle such a high maintenance and frighteningly fearless child. When we moved closer to family, my mother gained expertise with FAS by babysitting our child. She was a nursery school teacher and mother to 3 rambunctious boys. She adores her grandchild. But when we went away for our first weekend in 7 years, on the first night we got a phone call. He had gotten an earache, heard the word “doctor” and then began to flail his legs and hands at my mother. She was so frightened that we had to come home.You can’t just be a good parent with these kids and adults. You have to be an expert. Be willing to sacrifice your entire life. Our strategy was to buy one year at a time. Also, we had better outcomes by keeping our young adult at home until at least age twenty-five or even thirty-years-old.You have to be able to ignore the teachers, family members, and neighbors who say you are a bad parent because the usual parenting strategies just don’t work. Always keep in mind: they won’t get it so you will be blamed. Learn to blow off those who haven’t walked in your shoes.Know that if you don’t know what you are doing, things will definitely spiral completely out of control. And even if you know what you are doing, you can still lose control during the teenage years when their friends are more important than you. That’s when my hair began to show signs of white streaks.It is also tough to realize that for most of our children with FASDs that they need us, but don’t love us. They have very low empathy. The good news is that they don’t hold grudges for long. Yesterday’s crisis or what happened an hour ago is history, even though the parent is still reeling from the event. Their attitude is, “Oh, that. It’s over.” Meanwhile, the parent is trying to recover from the shockwaves before the next crisis.A parent learning for the first time about his son’s FAS diagnosis. This conversation sums up outcomes with FAS.I had a recent phone call from a very articulate father who had just gotten custody of his 3 children from his ex- wife. He told me that his one son has a definite diagnosis of FAS. That immediately told me that the mother is an alcoholic. This was probably the only time that I made the mistake of telling a parent more than he could hear in one call. Usually the mother calls. He thought that he wanted straight answers to his questions and did not want to be coddled.His first question: “Will my son be able to go to college?” Answer: No. Pause. “Will he be able to support a family?” Answer: No. “Should he parent a child and have a family?” No.Long pause and then: “ Can you give me some good news or hope?”I asked, “Were your other children exposed to the same levels of alcohol?”His answer, “Yes.” A very long pause from me and then the worst blow of all. “You need to consider the strong possibility that the other children have FASD.”This man had just remarried. I am still grieving for the entire family. The diagnosing doctor probably didn’t know enough about FAS to tell him anything useful.M.D.s and mental health professionalsI spent eight years doing grand rounds at hospitals in New York City teaching doctors, psychiatrists, and other health professionals about FASDs. They received continuing education credits. Most of them were dumbstruck at the end of the grand round. Some realized that they had patients who demonstrated the behavioral and cognitive problems described. I had hired a techie who has FAS to help me with equipment. Many doctors surrounded him to ask questions. They didn’t see all the facial and body traits I had just taught them. It takes a trained eye to spot FAS. The doctors all enjoyed this young man’s fast wit and humor, but their questions were deftly left unanswered.My experience is that most doctors and mental health professionals will not be able to give you accurate information. That is why you, as a parent, must become an expert.Parenting AdviceBabies: Let them sleep with you at night if necessary. They need your body contact. Avoid loud sounds, strong smells, and bright lights. Be aware that these babies -some even beyond their teen years-have sensory problems. Shampooing their hair might hurt. They will find food textures annoying to the point that they won’t eat. Have them wear soft clothing with tags at the back removed. Don’t let them out of your sight for a second. Our 13-month-old climbed up our backyard trellis to the top of our roof before he could walk. He also climbed over the wall that was supposed to be a barrier for a large pool that belonged to our next door neighbor.My best advice? Stimulate them from the very beginning: This is an opportunity to begin to strengthen their brains. Tickle them. Play airplane. Have them use all their muscles in play activities. At night use a calming technique of gently stroking their prone bodies from head to toe with your fingernails. This will soothe them and calm them down. In fact, use this technique whenever you see their stress levels begin to rise. One young man, in his late teen years, taught his girlfriend to do this for him.Older children: the danger years.At ten he had a friend come over for a sleepover. I always did this so I could observe the other child. I needed to know that his friends were safe influences. This one wasn’t. For fun they decided to throw rocks at a Mercedes in our neighborhood to see who could put a bigger dent in the car. Of course, our insurance didn’t cover this. By the ages of 12 to 13, they are fascinated with matches. My child and a friend set a waste paper basket on fire and ruined the rug. I did warn the other mother to keep a good eye on them. She was very gracious. Caveat: you are responsible for anything destructive that your child does until the age of 18.At twelve, he climbed to the top of a huge tree in front of our house while balancing on a swaying limb. He was waving to me while I watched from our third floor. This wasn’t fearlessness. It was lack of judgment. I stood there for a second in horror and then ran. I ended up having to call the fire department to get him down.For babies, toddlers, and children: Watch out for their stress levels. They will bang their heads extremely hard on a floor or cement wall because they don’t have coping mechanisms.CHILDREN: Be on guard that this is when they begin to steal and lie. Now, this is when the parenting paradigm shift really occurs. Stay calm. Don’t criticize. Never scold or yell. Those strategies will only escalate what is happening or the child or teen will rage, flight or flee. Once they have calmed down, you can talk about what happened. Role play such as asking “How would you feel if Johnny took your favorite toy? Let’s give it back to him.” (Be aware of how the other child's parent will react.) Finesse as necessary. Very important: Make it safe to tell the truth.We always let our child know that there wouldn't be any punishment for telling us the truth, and we kept our word. But we now knew what to look out for. Know that they have a keen sense of fairness, especially when it applies to them.ADHD: I know of very few cases in which a child or teen with FASDs doesn’t have what appears to be or is ADHD. If Ritalin or Adderall etc., works, then do it. If the pediatrician doesn’t cooperate, find another M.D. who will prescribe it. You will see a real difference if the medication works. Appropriate age? About 7. You will know within 3 days if it works.FAS: Ear infections. Most M.D.s are unaware that children with FAS have deformed eustachean tubes, so their ears can’t drain when they have a cold or water in their ears. Screaming babies can’t tell you what is wrong. Antibiotics should be kept on hand in your refrigerator at all times if you see this pattern or you will end up in the emergency room for hours unattended with a baby or child in excruciating pain. When they are older, consider tubes in the ears to keep them off antibiotics.Avoid triggers: What you want to avoid is anything that can escalate into a full-blown temper tantrum or rage. These rages can be frightful.Triggers: Stress, fear, schedule changes, frustration, criticism, the word “No”. Going to the doctor can be a huge trigger. Doctors equal shots. Dentists? Find one that specializes with children and forewarn the dentist. Be there in the room. Surgeries? Insist on being in the room! We lost an entire year because of one surgery. All the behaviors regressed.What works? Quiet time-out; redirect; distractions; bribery. You need to be imaginative or know what your child really wants so you can achieve your goal.How do these children learn? Repetition, repetition, repetition. Positive rewards for real successes. Good role modeling. One direction at a time. Be concrete. Know that they will forget everything tomorrow. So repeat. Be patient.What do they need? Structure, structure, structure and many social opportunities. They crave friends.Questions parents often ask:Should I seek out a therapist? Remind yourself that these children and teens are very good manipulators. You will end up being the bad guy. My advice? Read everything you can get your hands on. NOFAS is a good site. If you can find a real FAS counseling clinic, you have a rare find. FAS only recently got in the DSM V so it is barely taught in psychology graduate programs or M.D. programs yet. It depends on what state you live in. Minnesota and Washington state? You’ve hit the jackpot. For unbelievable disability benefits, the best kept secret for people with FASDs is Wisconsin. (Mothers from different states can be a great resource.)If the child has suffered trauma, then you need to deal with that. Be aware that there are very few real FAS or trauma experts out there. In my experience professionals say they have experience in FAS or trauma. When vetted properly, they can’t even answer basic questions.Any advice about school? If your son or daughter has real trouble with the multiplication table, cursive writing, homework, etc., ditch it- especially if he or she has a FAS diagnosis. The math part of the brain has been badly damaged with FAS, so even simple math is a real problem. Don’t fret. They can learn how to use a calculator. Fine motor problems? It’s not worth the stress to learn cursive writing. Stress levels too high because of homework? Tell the teacher why homework wasn’t finished. Many parents refuse any kind of homework. It really depends upon the child. Do teach your child’s teacher and school counselors about FASDs. They need to understand why you are digressing from the rules. You will also need a comprehensive I.E.P. that addresses your child’s unique problems. Know that school districts don’t want to pay for services you are entitled to.What should be my goal? Your goal is to teach your child life skills, how to socialize with other children, to be a person with integrity, and to survive the teenage and young adult years intact. All the rest will be the wonderful surprises that can occur with Neuroplasticity. There are some spectacular cognitive re-wirings that occur somewhere around the age of 25-years-old. Also, you also do not want to be a grandmother. In all likelihood, you will be raising your own grandchildren.We now know that these grandchildren have damaged DNA, even if your daughter did not drink during that pregnancy. There is an epigenetic effect that grandparents are now seeing with their grandchildren and scientists are seeing in mice.Your goal is also to avoid secondary disabilities. Know that these children are “moths driven to the flame” when it comes to alcohol. They need to self-medicate to calm down their central nervous system. Once they are 18-years-old, you can’t force them to take medications. I wish we could have kept our teenager on Zoloft. There was much less anxiety and stress while on this medication. We are concerned that she may self-medicate. This is why we insist that he not work more than twenty-six hours per week based on previous work experience. We are paying for most of the living expenses. No one can live only on S.S.I. It doesn’t even cover the cost of a basement apartment.Are there any co-existing disorders that can be part of the FASD picture? If adopted, watch out for trauma and/or RAD. Other diagnoses that can co-occur adopted or not could include ODD, OCD, bi-polar or others. Be aware that there is a degree of what appears to be obsessive behaviors and oppositional defiance within the FASD diagnosis itself. It doesn’t mean the child has OCD or ODD. If the child does have a real Oppositional Defiance Disorder, I have never had any success with these children, so I didn’t take on more cases. Also, these children/adults have broken circadian clocks. They want to stay up at night and sleep during the day. Factor that in. Part-time night jobs seem to a good solution.Will my child have any special talents? Yes! Absolutely. Our “child”, who is now an adult, has an unusual artistic bent. She can look at a painting and analyze exactly why it does or doesn't work. Her photography is exceptional. Problem? No follow-through without structure. Try to build on these talents if possible. If you can raise a confident child to adulthood, you may have a FASD success story. We do.What do you as a parent need? Respite. If you are not in good shape, the entire family will falter. Prioritize. A clean house is not a primary or even a secondary goal.Where can I find a support group? There is an excellent support group on Facebook called “ Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Support.” Join and ask questions. There are experts usually available. These veteran adoptive mothers have raised their children to adulthood. They are also frequently FAS advocates for their respective states.

Legal ramifications? Not really. There’s a few things that can happen but in America’s family courts they very rarely get upset with the mom. She is allowed to lie and use any excuse she can think of to rationalize her bad behavior, the judge usually accepts them, tells her bad mom don’t do it again, and that’s it. A slap on the wrist in legal terms.But morally you will have a lot to answer too. The child is half this man, and there better be some good reasons. The mother in our case never told my husband about his potential child. Raised her with another man who sued to get off the birth certificate. We found out about the child when she was already 7, by a letter from the state. She came to us with over $10k in debt. We owed the mother back support for the time she withheld the child and also had to pay back the state for benefits paid. Nothing is more unfair to not only miss out on that time with your child but also to be made to paid for it.Add to that the immature and malicious mindset of the mom, and you have a toxic situation waiting to explode. It changed our entire lives, we are never the same again. A child has been irreparably harmed, her mother chose to tell her that her bio father abandoned her in the hospital. Please don’t do this to your own flesh and blood. The healthiest and safest life for a child, statistically speaking, is with shared parenting time. Fathers are far more invested and involved in their children’s lives when they are allowed to parent them equally. This has amazing benefits for the child’s life.The statistics on fatherlessness will make anyone’s blood boil. It becomes a societal issue here as these hurt children grow up to hurt others. Don’t be a part of that cycle. Minus abusive parents, assuming both are fit at first, they should agree to joint custody, as close to shared parenting time as they can work out, with no child support ordered. If he’s participating equally in the burdens and time of child rearing there is no need to support, he pays his own bills, you pay yours.So legally speaking, sadly, you have no obligation to inform a man about his obligations and responsibilities.But anytime that you file for government benefits, they will open a child support case They are required to make the father pay for his own offspring before the tax payers do.Here are two choices:Reveal his name to department of human services. They will attempt to locate him and send him the packet we got from Department of Justice child support division.Tell them you have no clue who the father could be. They’ll ask for potential suitors or who you slept with in the timeline of conception. Remain quiet. Legally you can do this- morally corrupt but that’s your cross to bear.With option 3a, you have opens the figurative can of worms. Once they reach him, he has 30 days to submit to a DNA test or simply accept he’s the father. Depending on how long it took the state to reach him, he will have a sum of back support owing. He has to immediately submit financials and start paying as well. Legally he is the father by assumed paternity and his only way out is if the child is not his. Then they do charge you for the DNA test. But I’ve never seen a mom actually be made to pay this. Then they proceed to the next guy until they find the father.Assuming you don’t hinder things by refusing a dna test, once both are done it’s 30–60 days of sitting on a tightrope waiting. He is legally obligated to pay child support at this time. They’ll have already sent garnishment letters to his boss. If he works in a small company sometimes he’s left explaining why he’s not a deadbeat. People rarely believe men when they tell them he had no idea he had a kid. She didn’t even tell him she was pregnant!!Now, he can and should file for parenting time and custody. He will probably fight for every other weekend and possibly reunification therapy. That’s for the best, having a qualified expert help assist the process. He is now your co-parent. The choice is all on you how you want to present this to the child and the world.Our birth mom decided she couldn’t deal with the “shame” (her words) of revealing she’d cheated on the original father and misled him to believe he was the only dad. She wanted it to remain that truth- he was the jerk who ran off on them, and that my husband would be content never telling anyone he was the actual father. He could be “uncle dad” (her words again).Then she had remarried also, so she wanted her current husband to be “dad”. The child had known him since was 4, nearly 3 years by then, and we didn’t want to sever thaT bond. We were fine with her still calling him dad. Who cares? More love is good. But the mother had seriously messed up mind set. Really she just wanted the child support and My husband to go away. She didn’t realize that once she filed for benefits it would mean possibly co-parenting. I mean, I don’t know how she couldn’t know that, but she acted like my husband was just some cash cow who donated sperm. She was upset he wanted to parent. Then that he won parenting time. Then that the child had the gall to enjoy spending time here. That was her biggest issue. That the child began to love dad, bonus mom, and her two sisters here.Just be careful here. This child is a life form all their own. There’s grandmas and aunts and uncles out there who will all be affected. Half siblings. Women like me who simply married a man and had babies. Only later to discover there was an older sister to my children living out in the world we didn’t know about. Missing out on all her first 7 years of firsts is still the hardest pill to swallow!!!For more on our story, you can read this answer, Amberle DeVore's answer to Men who have received a negative paternity test after the child was born. What's your story?STATISTICS - Just a few....63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 % of all children who show behavior disorder she has to have. come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Control)80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)Father Factor in Education - Fatherless children are twice as likersly for starteto drop out of school.Children with Fathers who are involved are 40% less likely to repeat a grade in school.Children with Fathers who are involved are 70% less likely to drop out of school.Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to get A’s in school.Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities.75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes – 10 times the average.Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse - Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.70% of youths in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Sept. 1988)85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)Father Factor in Incarceration – Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households. Approximately forty-six percent of jail inmates in 2002 had a previously incarcerated family member. One-fifth experienced a father in prison or jail.Father Factor in Crime - A study of 109 juvenile offenders indicated that family structure significantly predicts delinquency. Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies. Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk. A study of 13,986 women in prison showed that more than half grew up without their father. Forty-two percent grew up in a single-mother household and sixteen percent lived with neither parentFather Factor in Child Abuse – Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect. The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.Adolescent girls raised in a 2 parent home with involved Fathers are significantly less likely to be sexually active than girls raised without involved Fathers.43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full time.10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full time.7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly.24.5% of single custodial fathers work more that 44 hours weekly.46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance.20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistanceCensus Fatherhood Statistics64.3 million: Estimated number of fathers across the nation26.5 million: Number of fathers who are part of married-couple families with their own children under the age of 18.Among these fathers -22 percent are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old (among married-couple family households only).2 percent live in the home of a relative or a non-relative.2.5 million: Number of single fathers, up from 400,000 in 1970. Currently, among single parents living with their children, 18 percent are men.Among these fathers -8 percent are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old.42 percent are divorced, 38 percent have never married, 16 percent are separated and 4 percent are widowed. (The percentages of those divorced and never married are not significantly different from one another.)16 percent live in the home of a relative or a non-relative.27 percent have an annual family income of $50,000 or more.85 percent: Among the 30.2 million fathers living with children younger than 18, the percentage who lived with their biological children only.11 percent lived with step-children4 percent with adopted children< 1 percent with foster childrenRecent policies encourage the development of programs designed to improve the economic status of low-income nonresident fathers and the financial and emotional support provided to their children. This brief provides ten key lessons from several important early responsible fatherhood initiatives that were developed and implemented during the 1990s and early 2000s. Formal evaluations of these earlier fatherhood efforts have been completed making this an opportune time to step back and assess what has been learned and how to build on the early programs’ successes andchallenges.While the following statistics are formidable, the Responsible Fatherhood research literature generally supports the claim that a loving and nurturing father improves outcomes for children, families and communities.Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.43 percent of first marriages dissolve within fifteen years; about 60 percent of divorcing couples have children; and approximately one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.Fathers who live with their children are more likely to have a close, enduring relationship with their children than those who do not.Compared to children born within marriage, children born to cohabiting parents are three times as likely to experience father absence, and children born to unmarried, non-cohabiting parents are four times as likely to live in a father-absent home.About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father’s home.Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.From 1995 to 2000, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes slightly declined, while the proportion of children living with two married parents remained stable.There is no question that children who grow up in fatherless homes have a much greater risk of major challenges in life than those who grow up with a father at home. These statistics are alarming and should give any father pause.Incarceration Rates. "Young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families...those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated -- even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant." (Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University cited in "Father Absence and Youth Incarceration." Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.)Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source:What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? - see link below)Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? - see link below)High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? - see link below)Educational Attainment. Kids living in single-parent homes or in step-families report lower educational expectations on the part of their parents, less parental monitoring of school work, and less overall social supervision than children from intact families. (N.M. Astore and S. McLanahan, American Sociological Review, No. 56 (1991)Juvenile Detention Rates. 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? - see link below)Confused Identities. Boys who grow up in father-absent homes are more likely that those in father-present homes to have trouble establishing appropriate sex roles and gender identity.(P.L. Adams, J.R. Milner, and N.A. Schrepf, Fatherless Children, New York, Wiley Press, 1984).Aggression. In a longitudinal study of 1,197 fourth-grade students, researchers observed "greater levels of aggression in boys from mother-only households than from boys in mother-father households." (N. Vaden-Kierman, N. Ialongo, J. Pearson, and S. Kellam, "Household Family Structure and Children's Aggressive Behavior: A Longitudinal Study of Urban Elementary School Children," Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 23, no. 5 (1995).Achievement. Children from low-income, two-parent families outperform students from high-income, single-parent homes. Almost twice as many high achievers come from two-parent homes as one-parent homes. (One-Parent Families and Their Children, Charles F. Kettering Foundation, 1990).Delinquency. Only 13 percent of juvenile delinquents come from families in which the biological mother and father are married to each other. By contract, 33 percent have parents who are either divorced or separated and 44 percent have parents who were never married. (Wisconsin Dept. of Health and Social Services, April 1994).Criminal Activity. The likelihood that a young male will engage in criminal activity doubles if he is raised without a father and triples if he lives in a neighborhood with a high concentration of single-parent families. Source: A. Anne Hill, June O'Neill, Underclass Behaviors in the United States, CUNY, Baruch College. 1993