Arkansas Fire Academy Application: Fill & Download for Free

It all depends on where you are and your abilities . FDNY and LAFD get thousands of applications so the competition is fierce.Some departments require applicants to have completed the fire academy and paramedic school before testing, so they limit their pool. In my area, we are desperate for applicants due to significant growth and low pay, and are hiring some with no training or experience at all.Another factor increasingly at play is health and physical fitness. During our last hiring process over half the applicants failed the physical agility test. Others get ruled out due to health issues and drug use.My suggestion is to broaden your job search. There are many places that a physically fit, healthy, reasonably intelligent person with good character can get offered a firefighter position very quickly. We have several members here in NW Arkansas that came from California. Some have even gone back to CA and been very successful obtaining jobs there with their experience and training.

Early airplanes did not exactly inspire awe and confidence, particularly when compared to the pre-dreadnought battleships that commanded the sea with industrial cast-iron splendour. Artwork from the nostalgic film “Those Magnificent Men And Their Flying Machines,” which put a humourous spin - no great stretch, mind you - on a real-life 1910 race by air from London to Paris.If we want to understand the attitudes of admirals in 1930 regarding the relative merits of the battleship and the aircraft carrier and its planes, we must look farther back in time than 1929, back, in fact, to the youth and early service life of the admirals.A man aged 45 in 1930 would have been born around 1885, on the brink of the golden age of the pre-dreadnought battleship. He would have grown up very aware of these cool-as-heck ships that symbolised national power at the close of the Victorian era.The French battleship Carnot of 1897, in perhaps the greatest battleship photograph ever taken, rumbles along like a seagoing fortress under a pall of black coal smoke that disdainfully sullies a virgin-white sky.By 1905, our future admirals were, at 20 years old, flocking to their respective national navies and serving in many cases aboard the battleships of the day, which we now call pre-dreadnoughts. In the course of their duties, they came to know their mobile mancaves from bilge to bowsprite; they understood the gear, the concepts, the tactics, the primacy of these sea monsters.The French-built Russian pre-dreadnought battleship Tsesarevich (“Crown Prince,” top) was commissioned in 1901. In that same year, the Wright Brothers worked with a glider (center) at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, anticipating their history-making flight in 1903; and German inventor Gustav Whitehead may have beaten the Wrights, his plane (bottom) having been reported in the press to have made powered flights in 1901. The Whitehead plane resembled a giant lunar moth nesting in a rowboat, inspired, perhaps, by the similarly organic flying machine concept drawings of Leonardo da Vinci. A threat to Tsesarevich? I think not.A short 10 years later, now commanders and captains, these future admirals were 30 years old and caught up in war. It was 1915, and the Great War - our “World War I” - was in full swing. The battleship was still the queen of the seas, and it was so much more deadly than it had been in 1905, owing to something huge that happened in 1906.HMS Dreadnought, commissioned in 1906 after a blazingly fast, secretive construction period of only a year, revolutionised battleship design by adopting an all-big gun main armament and replacing the noisy, maintenance-heavy piston engine with the smoother, oil-fired marine turbine.Imagine how a young officer must have felt, transferring from a coal-fired pre-dreadnought to a new dreadnought battleship. Assigned to work up their new ship, so recently accepted from the shipyards, they would have felt the thrill of walking the decks of their new ship, the pièce de résistance of the art of war. Here was a weapon Sun-Tsu himself might not have liked much; there just wasn’t a lot of subtlety built into a dreadnought. They didn’t need a lot of subtlety.The pride of the American fleet at her 1912 launch, USS Arkansas resolved the awkward placement of outboard turrets aboard a variety of early dreadnoughts including the name ship herself, with plain-spoken Yankee ingenuity. All 12 of the 12-inch big guns could be fired in a massive broadside thanks to having been placed along the centerline of the ship. This arrangement en echelon improved the density of the broadside by eliminating the two outboard turrets seen in Dreadnought and other ships. Turret placement off the ship’s centerline was an apparent holdover from pre-dreadnought design, in which broadside fire was not yet a design requirement.The three years before the commissioning of USS Arkansas, however, saw a series of tests that would shape the fleet as radically as the development of the all-big-gun battleship. This was nothing less than the birth - in concept, at least - of an entirely new kind of warship: the aircraft carrier.In 1910, aviation pioneer Eugene Ely rolled down the wooden platform over the forward turrets of the cruiser USS Birmingham, dipped alarmingly toward the water, then caught the air (pictured). And off Ely went, flying two miles to land on a nearby beach. Birmingham thus became the world’s first aircraft carrier, or the second if you count Noah’s ark. The latter whimsy later gave rise to Great Britain’s most inspired carrier name: Ark Royal.Encouraged by the success of the takeoff from Birmingham in 1910, the US Navy continued its testing program by making the first successful landing aboard a ship; the ship was the armoured cruiser Pennsylvania (not to be confused with the later battleship with the same name), while the pilot was, once again, Eugene Levy.The Royal Navy achieved the world’s first takeoff from a vessel underway, a feat accomplished in 1912 as Commander Charles Samson launched successfully from the protected cruiser HMS Hermes while she steamed at 15 knots. This was not far from her top speed of 20 knots, a tad slow, perhaps, for a ship named for a god with wings on his heels. The name has been passed on to several true flattops, including the flagship of the task force that reclaimed the Falkland Islands from Argentina in 1982. This Hermes’ career stretched from 1959 to 2016, a span of 57 years making her the longest-serving aircraft carrier in history.While aircraft demonstrated considerable design and performance progress during the Great War, their primary naval application was in reconnaissance. Floatplanes could be launched, sent to scout for the enemy, and recovered. Planes were considered no direct threat to warships, especially to battleships. Even the first bombers being developed were land-based and used exclusively for combat on land.A British bomber, the Handley-Page 0/400, was introduced in 1916 and - quickly obsolete - retired in 1921. The 0/400, Britain’s largest aircraft ever produced to that time, was designed for level bombing above stationary enemy targets.Another early heavy bomber was Germany’s Zeppelin-Staaken, shown here in 1918. Notice the 16 tires, used for landing on sandy airfields in lieu of the usual eight. Runways? We don’t need no steenkin’ runways.However, with the advances in aircraft design during the First World War, both Great Britain and America - and shortly after, Japan - saw the utility of bringing significant numbers of aircraft to sea battles that would probably be out of range of support from coastal air forces.Great Britain advanced the concept of the aircraft carrier considerably through its work with the battlecruiser HMS Furious. This warship was converted in stages to handle aircraft, and launched the first carrier-based air attack in 1918. The target was a German zeppelin base and several airships were destroyed.The three Courageous class battlecruisers were designed for the Baltic project; they were lightly armoured and armed, therefore of limited long-term utility in the fleet. After the war, they were converted to through-deck aircraft carriers to save them from the scrap yard. Pictured: HMS Courageous.Furious, pictured here and described as “English Giant Floating Aerodrome,” was clearly a steampunk wet dream! She was given a forward flight deck during construction, then later, received the aft flight deck. Landing on her was very problematic owing to her superstructure, which also caused excessive turbulence on the aft flight deck.Three battlecruisers: HMS Renown (right) leads Courageous and Furious in the 1930’s.Furious was later taken in hand and converted into a full through-deck aircraft carrier, although not before another British warship, HMS Argus, was the world’s first carrier in this category, joining the RN in 1918.Like the RN’s through-deck carrier Argus, America’s converted collier Langley was a pioneering through-deck carrier, first in the USN. This picture shows Langley off Baltimore in 1920, showing off her complement of eight biplanes.Japan’s Hosho, commissioned in 1922, had the distinction of being the world’s first purpose-built carrier; all the rest of the ships discussed so far were conversions.The conversion of Furious and her sisters Courageous and Glorious into aircraft carriers was enabled by the tonnage limitations on capital ships imposed on the RN and all the great powers, by the 1921 Washington Naval Conference. Under the treaty, Courageous, Furious, and Glorious, would all have been scrapped because the RN was well over the treaty’s capital ship limits.With the end of the war and the new naval treaty, America and Japan also discovered they had capital ships, built or under construction, that could only be saved from scrapping by converting them to aircraft carriers. This was the reason for Japan’s major fleet carriers Akagi and Kaga, and their American counterparts, Lexington and Saratoga.Thus, an unintended effect of the Washington Naval Treaty was to accelerate the development of the aircraft carrier and its adoption into the world’s major navies.USS Lexington, at 36,000 tons, and her sister Saratoga, were roughly the size of the Japanese carriers Akagi and Kaga. All four ships were converted battlecruisers.Despite the flurry of carrier building by Great Britain, the United States, and Japan following World War I, naval doctrine in the US and the UK in particular continued to favour the battleship. As we have discussed, this was largely the result of the fact that western admirals were already alive, and no doubt in many cases already at their respective naval academies or in active service, when the Wright Brothers made news by flying their delicate, glorified kite that day in 1903. The plane must have seemed a harmless novelty to them at the time, all butcher paper and string; and first impressions can be lasting impressions.Additionally, the American admirals of the 1930s would have been at the US Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland, while legendary naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, the salt-water Clausewitz, still walked the halls (Mahan lived until 1914.) Mahan was the author of the USN’s Big-Gun approach to sea power, top dogma at the time, and were typically expressed in terms of ships of the line or steam battleships. Battleship doctrine? Mahan literally wrote the book - actually many books.And the USN leadership between the wars were steeped in Mahan’s doctrines emphasising the necessity for a dominant line of battle.Battleships in line ahead, a formation from the Napoleonic era, were fundamental to 1930’s naval doctrine, thanks to Alfred Thayer Mahan. American battleships were heavily armed and armoured, and therefore relatively slow compared to many of their contemporaries; but that was okay, because in Mahan’s doctrine, even a faster enemy would sooner or later have to stop dancing and meet them in battle, and then the bigger guns and thicker armour of the Yanks would win the day. Pictured is Pearl Harbor veteran USS Pennsylvania leading other warships into Lingayen Gulf, Philippines, in early 1945.And while Mahan’s concepts regarding sea control may be understood in terms of other technologies - say, carrier-based air power, space power, nuclear weapons, or the snack chip industry wars - a certain number of people are always challenged to make such a leap. Ability to extrapolate is not on everyone’s resume.In short, where Mahan expressed the dynamics, methods, and aims of national power projection in terms of fleets of line-of-battle ships, for example, many people find they lose the handle if told, “every time you read the term ‘line-of-battle ships’, substitute the word ‘aircraft carriers.’ Like learning a song in the key of C, but being utterly unable to perform it in the key of, say, E-flat - as if one is called upon to learn a whole new song, rather than to take a song one already knows and transpose the entire thing up a step and a half or so.Captain Nemo’s pipe organ aboard Nautilus demonstrates the practicality of making music theory a required course at naval academies worldwide, and the subsequent installation of organs aboard all warships, including nuclear submarines (note the portholes to port. If they were to starboard, they would naturally be referred to as starboardholes. You’re welcome, Swabbie.)Perhaps when we ask why some leaders of the 1930’s navies were so resistant to understand anything other than in terms they already know, we are identifying that part of the population who suffer from the inability to transpose music. (Should music theory then be taught at the military academies? Captain Nemo would say yes; but I will leave that decision up to you, Dear Reader.)These men lived through several decades during which the aircraft was no doubt the punch line to many military jokes, a barely practical weapon as deadly to its own side as to the enemy, in use in war only because so many men wanted to be angels and fly; and thanks to their flimsy aircraft, many of them got their chance.Later, even as aircraft became more and more formidable with the invention of torpedo bombers and dive bombers, a hard core of battleship admirals remained uninterested in giving aircraft carriers - an unproven weapon, after all - primacy over a tried-and-true weapon, the battleship. “Battlewagons? They’re all over our textbooks, for the love of Teddy Roosevelt and his Big Stick!”It would take Pearl Harbor for many a warrior to turn the page.Not that US Army General Billy Mitchell didn’t try. Oh, how he tried. Tried what? To convince his superiors that ships up to and including battleships themselves could be sunk by aircraft. And he sank the battleships; but the reaction was so severe to the truculent and aggressive general that he was later court martialed and forced to resign.In 1921, General Billy Mitchell, an outspoken advocate of air power, persuaded the Army to let him use the Army Air Corps to test the effectiveness of air-dropped bombs on ships. They said it was impossible that airplanes could sink a battleship, even one sitting at anchor and not shooting back. Mitchell sunk their battleship.Well, what exactly what was Mitchell trying to accomplish? Only this:In 1923 two surplus navy battleships were bombed and sunk by aircraft under the command of Brig. Gen. William "Billy" Mitchell off Cape Hatteras to determine the effectiveness of air power against heavy surface ships. Mitchell, an outspoken advocate of air power, had demonstrated in 1921 what many naval strategists considered impossible - that battleships could be destroyed from the air - when he used airplanes to sink an old surplus battleship. Two years later, he set up the experiment off Cape Hatteras to determine if battleships could be sunk by high-level bombing and to measure the potential for aircraft being called into combat from long distances to intercept a hostile warship. [Emphasis mine - JY]Mitchell’s tests were controversial, to say the least. Like other strong personalities in US military history - General Douglas McArthur and Admiral Hyman Rickover come to mind - some of Mitchell’s problems were self-induced. Mitchell’s superiors did not want him sinking battleships because they felt it might weaken their position at the upcoming Washington Naval Conference of 1921.So they imposed restrictions on Mitchell’s bombing in order to make him fail, restrictions he mostly ignored, climaxing the day by dropping six ridiculously oversized 2,000-lb bombs in succession on the “unsinkable” German super-dreadnought Ostfriesland. The last bomb had to be dropped in the patch of bubbles rising from where the battleship was already on its way to the bottom.It was a bombshell result, but Mitchell’s chutzah ultimately won the day.The navy was horrified and declared the tests void since Mitchell had violated the guidelines. But it also began to focus more on aviation. The Bureau of Aeronautics, which had been established in 1921 as a defense against Mitchell’s actions under the leadership of William Moffat, increased its development of the aircraft carriers that would eventually help win the Pacific campaign in World War II.One wonders, on contemplating the US losses at Pearl Harbor, and the British loss of Prince of Wales and Repulse off Malaya, whether any of the Allied authorities - any at all - remembered that Billy Mitchell had warned them 20 years prior that this day would come?

Some examples of red neck vernacular. (Remember, you asked for it, lol lol lol).bay • ou (bi´-ü), v. and n. to purchase for another. “I just walked right up to her and said, ‘Hey darlin’, lemme bayou a drink.’ ”doo • dle (düd´-el), n. and v. a male person and his predicted actions. “Don’t even look at him, ’cuz that doodle kill you.”tor • toise (tort´-es), v. and n. to have imparted knowledge or wisdom to a group. “That stupid teacher never tortoise nothin’. ”abil•i•ties (Ə-bil′-Ət-ēz), n. and pron. a statement of charges for services rendered and subsequent action to be taken by a specified male person. “I don’t care if he’s broke, Ma, the house payment’s abilities got to pay.”ac•cus•tom (Ə-kes′-tem), n. and v. to have verbally abused more than one person with profanity. “Them kids kept swearin’ around Mamaw, so accustom out.”ac•ne (ak′-nē), v. and n. concerning a male person’s behavior and the result of that behavior. “Once again we took him to a fancy restaurant, and he didn’t know how to acne made a fool of himself.”ac•quire (Ə-kwīer′), n. a group of singers, especially those who perform during religious ceremonies. “She sings so pretty, she should join acquire.”ac•quit (Ə-kwit′), n. and v. a personal declaration of resignation from an assigned task. “You ain’t firin’ me, ’cuz acquit!”ac•tiv•ist (akt′-Əv-ist), v. and conj. to behave in a certain manner, particularly one based on another reality. “She seduced me into signing that petition, and now she activist she don’t know me!”ad•e•quate (a′-dƏ-kwit), n. and v. to have acted with the intention of terminating one’s condition of employment. “Adequate if they hadn’t given me a raise.”ad•min•is•ter (at-mi′-nƏ-ster), adj. and n. a specific clergyman or agent of a government, as designated by the observer. “I tell ya, administer is a good man.”afar (Ə-fär′), n. an object in the state of combustion. “There’s no sense bein’ this cold—let’s build afar.”af•ford (Ə-frd′), n. an automobile manufactured by the motor company that produced the Model T. “If I had the money for a car, I’d want to buy afford.”Af•ghan•i•stan (af-gan′-is-stan), n. and v. to declare that a certain living organism of Afghani origin has the name Stanley. “The Dalmatian’s called Jerry, but the Afghanistan.”agent (ā′-jent), n. and v. to negate the importance of the length of a thing’s existence. “She may be eighty, but if I’m drunk enough, agent make no difference to me.”air•line (er′-līn), adv. and v. concerning the location and dishonesty of the person being addressed or discussed. “Don’t sit airline about it, boy … tell the truth!”Alas•ka (el-ask′-Ə), n. and v. to resolve to make an inquiry. “If I wanna know where to find a polar bear, Alaska guy who lives here.”Aleve (Ə-lēv′), n. and v. to intend to vacate. “Sure Aleve, bud … soon as I finish off this six-pack.”al•i•bi (al′-Ə-bī), n. and v. the predicted future purchases by a male named Albert, Alfred, or Alvin. “We always invite Al, ’cause alibi drinks for everybody.”al•lo•sau•rus (a′-le-sr′-Əs), n. and v. to have been visually perceived by someone named Alice. “I think my wife allosaurus go into that motel room together.”al•lowed (Ə-la′), adj. distinguished by an intense elevation of volume. “Did you just hear allowed noise?”al•lure (Ə-lr′), n. an object used for enticement, with the intention of capturing prey. “You want to catch a fish, you gotta use allure.”an•a•con•da (an-Ə-kän′-de), n. and v. to have swindled by gaining the confidence of the victim. “I robbed a bank, stole a car, anaconda old lady out of her life savings.”anal (ān′-l), v. and pron. being inferior to what one expects. “Enemas anal they’re cracked up to be.”an•ar•chist (an-Ər-kist′), conj., n., and v. additionally, having pressed one’s lips to another’s as an expression of affection or sensual desire. “Anarchist her ma, anarchist her sister, anarchist her gramma, anarchist her other sister, anarchist her other other sister, and then her dad walked in and …”an•noys (Ə-niz′), n. a loud or irritating sound. “Well, I wouldn’t’ve peed my pants if I hadn’t heard annoys!”an•nu•al (an′-yü-Əl), n. and v. regarding the prediction of an action. “Buy this here Porsche annual be dating a lot of ladies.”an•nu•ity (Ə-nü′-Ə t-ē), n. and v. having forethought or intuition. “I couldn’t hear him, but annuity was sayin’.”an•te•lope (ant′-Ə-lōp), n. and v. the female sibling of one’s parent escaping, with the intention of betrothal. “Sure it’s cool to help yer antelope, but it ain’t cool if she’s gettin’ hitched to you.”ant•hill (en-til′), conj. up to a point in time. “I won’t set foot in that room anthill he cleans it up!”an•ti•pas•to (an′-tē-past-Ə), n. and v. to discharge from the body, as done by the female sibling of a parent of the speaker. “After eatin’ all that salami last night, my antipasto kidney stone.”aor•ta (ā-r′-te), n. and v. involving a suggestion for action. “Aorta tear that house down and start over.”apart•ment (Ə-pärt′-ment), adv. and v. pertaining to one’s feelings about a separation. “Our time together was real good, but the time we were apartment a lot more to me.”ap•par•el (Ə-per′-Əl), n. and v. a prediction concerning the future of two things. “When it comes to shoes, apparel look better than just the one.”ap•par•ent (Ə-per′-Ənt), n. one who sires or gives birth to offspring. “It’s obvious to me from lookin’ at yer belly that yer gonna be apparent.”ap•peal (Ə-pēl′), n. medicine in a form for oral ingestion. “I’m sorry, sir, this is not appeal you swallow. It’s the kind you take rectally.”ar•chery (ärch′-Ər-ē), n. and conj. a male person’s ultimatum relating to a curved structure, usually one that serves as the roof or overhang of a passageway. “He went off to St. Louis, sayin’ he was dang sure he was goin’ to see the archery weren’t coming back.”Ar•i•zo•na (er′-Əz-ōn-Ə), n., v., and adv. phrase delimiting the quality of the gaseous atmosphere surrounding the earth. “I’d move to Denver, but with all the smog that Arizona slightly better than it is here in L.A.”Ar•kan•sas (ärk′-Ən-s), n. and v. a flat-bottomed boat in conjunction with an observer’s visual perception. “Noah finished the Arkansas that it was good.”Ar•ma•ged•don (ärm-Ə-ge′-din), n. and v. putting oneself in a position for action. “I tell ya, if it gets any crazier, Armageddon outta here.”ar•ma•ture (är′-me-chr), v. and adj. displaying exceptional wisdom, experience, and/or age. “I know sometimes I acts like a kid but I really armature.”ar•rest (Ə-rest′), n. a state of minimal activity. “I want the cops to lock me up ’cause, frankly, I could use arrest.”ar•son (ar′-sen), adj. and n. pertaining to the male offspring of the speaker. “I know I swore arson didn’t set fire to your car, Sheriff, but I guess I misspoke.”as•cent (Ə-sent′), n. and v. to have personally dispatched. “Please don’t turn off my phone, dude … I swear ascent that check three weeks ago!”as•i•nine (as′-Ə-nīn), n. favorable praise of the hind end, to the positive ninth integer. “Man, I would give her face a two and her asinine.”as•par•a•gus (Ə-sper′-Ə-ges), n. ambivalence about having to install a replacement for an air-filled rubber wheel. “I got a flat, so I’m gonna have to put on asparagus.”as•pect (as′-pekt), n. and v. having one’s backside assaulted by a sharp object. “He got done skinny-dippin’, passed out on that deck chair, and had his aspect by a woodpecker.”as•sas•sin (Ə-sa′-sen), v. disrespecting verbally. “Don’t just stand there assassin me, boy—go clean your room!”asth•ma (az′-me), v. to make an inquiry to a person of familiar acquaintance. “I don’t know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife.”asun•der (es-Ən′-der), n. and prep. a gluteal mass situated below or beneath. “You’ll need a tarp-sized blanket to get all of her asunder it.”at•mo•sphere (et′-mes-fir), pron. and v. a conjecture about the feelings of anxiety of a certain being. “The way that ol’ Red tucks his tail, now, that’s a dog atmosphere his owner.”at•om (at′-Əm), prep. and n. in the direction of something or someone. “Two deer jumped outta the woods and we just started shootin’ atom.”at•tacks (Ə-taks′), n. a percentage of one’s assets taken annually by a governing body. “If you let ’em, I swear the government would put attacks on the air.”at•tract (Ə-trakt′), v. to have followed. “I must attract that deer for six miles before I gave up.”at•trac•tor (Ə-trak′-ter), n. a motor-propelled machine used mainly in agriculture. “My uncle cuts his grass with attractor.”Au•di (a′-dē), n. a protrusion; usually used to describe the knotted flesh on the stomach of a human left after the severing of the umbilical cord. “Most people have an ‘innie,’ but Roy’s belly button is definitely an Audi.”au•ra (r′-Ə), conj. and adj. a phrase indicating a choice between one thing and another. “You gettin’ a Quarter Pounder aura Big Mac?”au•to•mate (′-te-māt), v. a suggestion for procreation. “I know we just met tonight, baby, but I think we automate.”av•e•nue (av′-Ə-nü), n. and v. to declare possession of something recently acquired. “Avenue address, but I don’t remember it.”aw•ful (-fel′), adv. and adj. satiated gastronomically. “No dessert for me, thanks, I’m awful.”Etc etc etcBONUS!!300 Reasons you might be a Redneck...Thank you Jeff Foxworthy!You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.You ever cut your grass and found a car.You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.You think the stock market has a fence around it.Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.You own a homemade fur coat.Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.You burn your yard rather than mow it.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.Birds are attracted to your beard.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.You've ever given rat traps as gifts.You clean your fingernails with a stick.Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.Your considered an expert on wormbeds.Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.You've ever bought a used cap.Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.You pick your teeth from a catalog.You've ever financed a tattoo.You've ever stolen toilet paper.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.People hear your car a long time before they see it.The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.You take a fishing pole into Sea World.You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.you have ever used lard in bed.you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.The primary color of your car is bondo.directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.you consider the fifth grade you senior year.you have a rag for a gas cap.the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.your brother-in-law is also your uncle.Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.you mow the front yard and find a car.your other truck is made by John Deere.you think suspenders are a type of shirt.going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.you ever got too drunk to fish.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.You've ever used lard in bed.Your home has more miles on it than your car.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.Fewer than half of your cars run.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.The primary color of your car is "bondo".You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.Your family tree doesn't have any branches.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" wassnubbed for best picture.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You've ever been too drunk to fish.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.You've ever financed a tattoo.Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...Redman sends you a Christmas card.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".You've ever made change in the offering plate.If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...You own at least 20 baseball hats.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worryabout is if you can loose them or not.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."Your wife weighs more then your refrigeratorIf going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one giftYou are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end""Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parkingbrake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girlmake love.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her houseThe ASPCA raids yer kitchenYa have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobaccoForeplay consists of slipping off her saddleYa can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewideYour beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck."Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.You've ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! "You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.You bring your dog to work with you.You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed itYour family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.You use lava soap more than three times a day.You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddleYa can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.