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1- Do not be a cocky person - Instead, be humble.2- Be stylish - Brush your teeth. Trim your hair. Wear cool clothes. The result? People are going to find you interesting.3- Knowledge - “Knowledge is power” - Francis Bacon.4- Have the courage to share your point of views - Think of your opinions as candies. If you don’t give them away, kids will not like you.5- Commit to your goals - It is nice to have goals, but it is AWESOME to have commitment.6- Be a positive person - Today, negativity is everywhere. It is in our family members, friends, co-workers. Therefore, chances of remaining positive are low. However, if you possess the ability to tackle anything in front of you, then chances of remaining positive become high.7- The less you talk, the better - Blabbering is annoying. Plus, it gives people the urge to stay away from you. The solution? Talk less. You will not regret.8- Stand up for others - When you see somebody in trouble, you know what to do now.9- Be you - Why do you want to be a gazelle instead of a lion? Life is too short.—A ♥

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Ooohhhhh yeah….You think about “him.”Him?You’re not going to like this and may want to throat punch me…but no. You don’t. You don’t miss him. I’m not trying to define your experience, but I know what happened to you psychologically. Who he pretended (and pretends) to be was not an actual person. Read on and I’lll do the best I can to explain.He’s a walking pool of neurosis, and lives in his false self with no awareness of you as a person. He is aware of you as supply, in support of his needs, desires, whims and fitting into his magical world of “you should know” wherein you should know how to support their fragility and that every single thing you can possibly imagine is wrapped up in a framework of their identity. Everything…is about them. From the way a postal workers places mail into the mailbox to Netflix programming. Deviate from their imaginary world where everything is directly related to their world view of “Me-ness” and you are the enemy. Takes some time for it all to come out. Once that mask slips, you’re already beaten up pretty badly so walking on eggshells comes pretty naturally.Healing is not linear…it’s a spiral shape. But that is the beginning to live again part. The commitment to healing. It comes in waves and dips and gets just a little higher evolved into healing each time you intentionally experience the pain (instead of allowing the pain to consume and define you.) A common mistake, or mishap, is that survivors try to shove it down and hide it. Most of the people in the survivors life have no clue what they are talking about. He was so nice. But he bought grandma the scooter, he painted cousin Josies kitchen…I never heard a mean word out of his mouth. Aye.They cannot believe he pulverized you behind closed doors. They cannot believe he eroded you so far that you live in a brain fog and are emotionally all over the map. They can’t believe he had an ounce of rage in him…that he isolated you without overtly doing it in front of anyone. They didn’t know that he’d trigger you before family arrived and then acted as though nothing happened (because he’s going for affect, he could care less about you…but affectively (and effectively for that matter) over time, you look unstable.Now that we set the stage a little bit. What exactly did happen to you? Trauma bonding is a huuuuuuuge hurdle. If the discard/escape is relatively recent…you’re not through that yet. It takes TIME and a sincere desire to heal…and to get the poison out. Through their batshittery, your brain was leaping through hoops to explain this nonsensical creature who pretended to be everything you’ve ever wanted and then morphed into a monster. And blamed you.Cortisol hammered your system during stressful times (which reaches critically dangerous levels over time) that he orchestrated to groom you (wear you down to a nub). Then he’d throw you a bone by doing something nice. He’d actually say good morning and sort of smile like he used to, you know, when he loved bombed you in the beginning. Your heart leapt out of your chest. He loves me again, he snapped out of it. Boom. Oxytocin. Pretty hefty cocktail, oxytocin and cortisol. Also during this time, you became hyper vigilant, noticing every nuance , trying desperately to make sense out of what was happening.So far we have brain chemistry and hyper vigilance. Is not quite that simple. The hyper vigilance is what wears survivors to the quick. There is no down time. Not only were you mood checking, walking on eggshells to avoid rages or silences, but trying to find the parts of you that he eroded away with 24/7 subtle and incremental to extreme gaslighting, lying, manipulations and triangulation. Oh, and lest we forget, the utter isolation as you stood helplessly by watching him groom his apaths (to the outside world he was the nice guy, the philanthropic guy, the loving guy) because no one would ever believe you if you told them what he was doing to you. And the apaths, with disorders and pathology of their own, were happy to jump onto his ship and treat you like a cat toy, if even behind your back.You need time to heal. To trust yourself, to re-learn to self regulate based on a healthy life without riding an emotional rollercoaster. Our poor little brains simply get used to certain chemistry. Depending upon the length of time you were abused…it may be all you know…for now.So having said all of that, how about the fact that you fell in love with…a reflection of yourself. Weird, right? When he met you…he mirrored you. You were the new best thing ever. Not you personally, narcs cannot authentically love, but your value as a human being, your kindness, accomplishments, your you-ness. He felt entitled to it. Not because he cultivated it, but because you did. So you embodied what he felt entitled to. You were there as a supporting cast member in his “ME show” and it was your obligation to give him everything he felt entitled to. But at some point, when you proved to be uncomfortably human, you know, like expecting him to actually be the decent human being he pretended to be…his fantasy began to crumble. How dare YOU! How dare you EXPECT HIM to act like a decent human being???Then the devalue stage, because your goodness was a constant thorn in his side. A constant reminder of what he IS NOT. As you were moving closer into love…he began to devalue you. You possibly reeled, wondering what you did to hurt him, wondering where the man you fell in love with went. You forgive others for their mistakes? You actually care when others are in pain and offer consolation without judgment? You think you’re better than ME? How dare you…(the broken mind of a narc)He never existed.You were left with a destructive mental illness walking around in human flesh.Maybe your heart broke? The future faking he fed you. Your lives together, planned out, marriage, a little house, trips. Its how narcs bait humans. They liiiieeeeeeee. All the plans you made, the dreams you had with this imposter…gone. Just gone. Narcs are data collecting during love bombing. They will find your deepest wound and rip their talons into it…that’s how they hook you. A normal human would carefully hold that part of you as they built love and trust as you healed. It’s anguish. As humans we search for ways to make things right. We search for solutions. Narcs? Not. Even. A. Blip. On. Their. Screen. When you knew the “relationship” (manipulationship) was over…this bloody dying dream had engulfed you…it gutturally whispers…mend my life…mend my life…You may not yet know that it was speaking to your life away from the toxic abuse. Not a mending of the creature that dished out the abuse. It gets tangly. It takes time to untangle.Of course you hurt. Of course you ache…at least for closure. But you won’t even get that. Even KNOWING how damaging it was, you secretly wish for contact after the discard. Some sign that you mattered. Some sign of regret and a promise…Oh mah geez. Many of us get it. They swing back in…and take whatever they didn’t get the first time. And…they teach you not to trust yourself or your own judgment because you took them back a second time…and clung to life by a thread. They’d leave you on a cold floor to die with no remorse. They are soulless.The poison leaves…bit by bit.But you must commit to healing. You must commit to not allowing this monster to live in your head like a terminal infection. If you do not actively heal, bitterness, self pity, addiction (doesn’t have to be drugs, could be food, sex, booze, shopping etc) and a significantly diminished quality of life. Healing is active. It is your choice. These creatures get in through the wounds we have carried so long that they are hidden even to us. They find them like the speed of light. To heal, we have to simultaneously feel the pain of what happened to us and understand that our pain is the gateway to our strength. It isn’t the pain that hurts. Pain is a result of the hurt underneath.It’s perfectly normal to miss what you thought was “him.” In our beautiful human mind and soul…we want to try to fix it…we want to….not lose the life, the future…the…. We can’t. But we must give ourselves permission to just feel the pain. He never was “him”…he was mirroring you. That’s some good news right there. It was, and is, you. Beautiful you. Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through hell and it hurts like hell. Try to remember, he projected his self hatred, his shame, on you. You were manipulated into carrying it. You still are. Normal, normal, normal.Remove “him” from the equation of the pain. It wasn’t even personal. They don’t care who they destroy. It’s their “disorder” (mental friggin illness). You weren’t chosen by God to suffer, you weren’t so flawed that you walked right into the lair of a demon. You aren’t so foolish that you gave your love to a troll. They are heartless and soulless creatures in a human suit. They lie and destroy.If you haven't already, go onto Youtube and learn as much about narcissism as you can. It’s part of the healing. You learn how he did WHAT he did to you. You learn their limited repertoire of dark behavior and emotional terrorism. You learn about things like trauma bonding, gaslighting, blame shifting, triangulation. You begin to realize that normal people don’t behave the way he did, and that you as a normal person, responded as, a normal person to a creature with no empathy or remorse for his path of destruction (your life and the lives of others) thinking he was a normal person in distress. As normal people we can’t wrap our brains around it.Jump on Instagram, find survivor feeds (type in the world “narcissism”) and get daily doses of encouragement and a sense of being in contact with people who you don’t have to try to explain everything to. They get it. Go onto Meetup dot com (every time I try to type the name a funky hyper link pops up, so its written as you would say it out loud) to find a local support group (narcissistic abuse survivors group, or abuse survivors group). Seek professional help from a coach, counselor or therapist who SPECIALIZES in abuse survivors. Those who are unfamiliar with the terrain can cause more harm than good. In order to get to any of that…you must be gentle with yourself. Sleep, eat healthy, exercise, if you have to shut down to stop the thoughts binge watch Netflix. It doesn’t last forever…but you have to know that on the other side of this hell…is the sweetest freedom you’ve ever known. Your purpose and passion awakens is ways you never dreamt possible. You will have clarity and strength that will blow you away.Healing is different for everyone. You make the decision. But if you make the decision to release the poison and live free, you will. Even now, I have moments where a memory hits me from the life experience with the narcissist(s). It’s a body memory, and there is emotional pain. Its momentary…but I know not to believe every emotion that passes through. I feel that its just another little part of me that needs to be able to express, not for me to grab ahold of it and make it part of the narrative with the narc…but to acknowledge the pain, let it surface and then lift without trapping it and holding it hostage in my narrative from long ago.It’s going to be okay. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it will bring you more joy and empowerment than you can imagine. The pain leaves bit by bit…You’re not alone…keep going. <3