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I know exactly what happens during surgery. As a victim of medical sexual abuse and currently going through trauma therapy, I had to have major abdominal surgery this week. The surgery had been scheduled since May, and the thought of being unconscious after an unfortunate surgery last fall and knowing nothing about it until I awoke to find things done to me that I was unaware would be done, I was afraid the same thing might happen again.I informed the surgeon that I was an abuse victim, and he arranged everything so that I would be as comfortable as possible. Since the abuse involved two male doctors, two male nurses, and a male technician, he arranged for an all female surgical team for me.I drafted an addendum to the consent form, and I edited the form itself to make sure my needs would be met, and they were. The doctor agreed to everything. I was reasonable and knew that emergencies could change things. One of the requests was that anesthesia not be induced until after the prep work was completed. I also discussed the drugs to be used with the anesthesiologist, and she agreed to use no drugs that produce amnesia. No Versed or Propofol.Thus, I was awake for all the preparation work, including placing all the leads and pads, catheterization, skin prep, and positioning, everything up to placing the sterile drapes This relieved any apprehension that I had, and I was ready to be put out without any fears.When I moved onto the OR table, blankets were removed, and my gown was pushed up to my neck to do a full abdominal prep. Before the skin prep, leads were placed, and the electro cautery plate was attached to my hip, and the leg stockings were placed. Then I was catheterized, my legs covered, and the safety strap placed over my thighs. The skin prep solution, which was very cold, was then applied to my body. Each step was explained by the person before doing it and while it was being completed, so there were no surprises.Finally, when it came time to do the sterile draping, I said okay, and anesthesia was induced. I was out like a light for the two-hour surgery. I was comfortable and found all the prep to be routine and nothing to be afraid of. Having a female team really made me feel at ease. And knowing what is done beforehand and being able to go through it saved me further trauma.Since I had none of the usual drugs, I woke up in the OR after the surgery, completely aware of my surroundings and to everyone saying hi to me and checking to make sure I was okay. The anesthesiologist and the PA who had also done the pre op exams were there to check with me and make sure everything went okay. The PA who assisted also checked in with me.There are some doctors who will go that extra mile to make things go well. I am very much relieved to know what really goes on during surgery instead of signing a blank form and not being given the information everyone should have before surgery. The doctor, his office staff, all the nurses and techs were wonderful. It made a potentially traumatizing experience one that gave me new faith in doctors and nurses. I know they care about me and are willing to go that extra mile. I can now face the remainder of my therapy and continue to heal.To those of you who think this is going too far, you haven’t walked in the shoes of a sexual abuse victim, especially one who has been abused by the doctors and nurses who are supposed to be helping you. A sacred trust is broken in the worst way. You have no business judging. And you do not have the compassion to treat patients as people and want to help us overcome something that has devastated us through no fault of our own. Save the recriminations and insults about asking for same gender teams and special accommodations. Nothing that was done changed the procedure in any away or inconvenienced anyone involved. Everyone was happy at the outcome, and they were glad that I made progress toward getting my life back.Update: August 19, 2019: I had a flashback last week when I had a colonoscopy. I found out right before the procedure that the tech would be male. It didn’t occur to me that there would be a male tech. I’ve had colonoscopies before, and they had always been female. I explained my history of abuse and asked for a female. I had to state directly that I didn’t want the male to be present. I did that. The charge nurse found a female to take his place. My history is in my record, so it really threw me a curve. It triggered bad memories, which I’m now dealing with and made an ED visit this week more difficult when I had to deal with a male doctor. Two steps forward and one back. Don’t let your guard down and make assumptions.Update: June 19, 2020:I had a lumbar laminectomy yesterday. I had a really positive experience with the neurosurgeon who performed the procedure. It began in January when I first met him.We discussed the surgery, and I told him of my prior sexual abuse and that I needed a female team. I wasn’t too optimistic about getting one, however, because most neurosurgery procedures require strength for lifting and positioning patients. I was also meeting the surgeon for the first time and knew nothing about him other than his reputation. He turned out to be extremely supportive, and he listened to me. When I left his office, he had promised me he would put together an all female team. Surgery was scheduled for March.The coronavirus postponed my surgery, with no date in sight. I thought my chances of keeping the female team were slim to none. When I got a call on June 8th for a June 19th surgery date It was short notice, but I took it, because I would have an all female team. I was relieved and grateful that he remembered my request and made the effort with all the madness of the pandemic. It turned out that the surgery slot came up, and a female team was scheduled for it. He had not forgotten my request and offered the spot to me instead of someone else. I hadn’t expected a date until later in the summer.In pre op, before the surgery, each member of the team came to meet me and introduce themselves. i got to talk to them—the surgeon, his assistant, nurses, and technicians. There were six of them. I was put at ease by this exchange. Surgery was a success. The surgeon said it went perfectly. He expects a full recovery, and I’m feeing good about the whole experience. Incidentally, I have Kaiser coverage.Update October 6, 2020I had the first of two surgeries to evaluate and place a sacral nerve stimulator. The second surgery will be on October 20. It was to be done under general anesthetic, but I opted for lidocaine with some fentanyl for pain control. It involved fluoroscopic placement of leads in the right spot in the sacral nerve, so it was a great deal of poking around, and an inch and a half incision to insert the permanent device. Surgery lasted for almost two hours.Again, I had a female team, including the anesthesiologist. Though there were quite few needle pricks for the lidocaine and the incision, it never rose to the lever of needing a general. The anesthesiologist did a great job with the fentanyl.I was very apprehensive, knowing the assistant surgeon would be male and that a male representative from the medical device company would also be there. I was told he would not scrub in and would be off in some corner of the OR where he couldn’t see the surgery.It was particularly important that I was awake for this one. It turned out that the medical rep observed the whole surgery, as he had to give directions to the surgeon and measure electrical muscle responses to be sure the surgeon implanted the leads in the optimal spot of the correct foramen.That was not part of the game plan, and I was very hesitant about allowing him to watch. However,since I was awake, I had control over the events. I could have said no, and surgery would have stopped with no chance of having it done in the future. With the empowerment of the local anesthetic, I made the decision to leave him there, and I was comfortable with it. I was part of the discussion as the surgery progressed and talked to the rep to find out what he was doing. I couldn’t have done this six months or a year ago. I was still too traumatized from being abused.Everything turned out well, and I felt like I had reached a new milestone in my effort to heal from my experiences. The rep was very nice and very professional as were all the others who were present. The bottom line is that I was awake. I was the one who decided to go ahead with the surgery, even knowing what I had suffered in the past. Being conscious made all the difference.I left the OR saying goodby to everyone and thanking them for being so good to me. I really am grateful for the way they conducted the surgery, what that meant to me and the implications for my future. It is the first time I have been able to deal with the presence of males in surgery other than the surgeon. No flashbacks, no descending into that deep hole of trauma into which the previous sexual abuse events had placed me. I think I will be able to go through with the next surgery. It will also be done with local anesthetic, at my request. It was a shock to have the rep there, but my rational self put a lid on my emotions to allow me to accept his presence. I’m glad I did. The surgery has been highly successful and is a life change for me. I will definitely qualify for the implantation surgery on October 20. And I learned a great deal about emerging from the dark place.Update October 20, 2020I had the second of the two surgeries to implant the permanent device. Another female team and male surgeon and assistant surgeon. The rep showed up, but had the nurse tell hi to leave until after prep and draping. He left. All he had to do was shoe me how to use the hand held devices to control the device. He never came back and did that in post op. Again, local anesthetic and fentanyl. The surgeon removed the temporary device, opened the pocket prepared during the first surgery, and implanted the permanent device. Surgery was fast and easy. Again, I was ready there minute I got to post op, although they made me stay for about an hour.Again, this was a positive experience, thanks to a great surgeon who has now operated on me four times. I would not have been able to handle a male team, but I’m making progress.

Contrary to popular opinion:The legal and financial aspects of poly (group) marriage will be much simpler to implement than people think.Recognizing group marriage will save the government money.For centuries we’ve dealt with situations like multiple (ex)spouses and multiple children — we already have existing solutions to handle most situations that will arise.For example, the US legal system already handles:Social Security spousal benefits being divided among (ex) spouses.Medical decision-making authority shared equally by multiple relatives.A child having more than two parents. Twelve states in the US already recognize that a child can have three or more legal parents. [1]Additionally, all western democracies have hundreds of years of experience handling multi-person (business) partnerships.In short:Privileges that don’t cost money would be granted equally to all spouses.Benefits (and obligations) that do cost money would be divided equally among the spouses.Details below! :-)#1. Group Marriage: Who?Polygamy is Greek for “many marriages”.Any modern form of polygamy would, of course, have no gender restrictions or bias.So the law would recognize all multi-person unions among consenting adults, including:Polyandry = one woman, multiple men[2]Polygyny = one man, multiple women[3]Polygynandry = multiple men and multiple women[4] [5]Women onlyMen onlyIn a group marriage, everyone is married to everyone else. There can be any number of adults (of any gender) all voluntarily committing to each other and the group as a family unit.#2. SexYes, please … ahem …That does not mean that everyone necessarily has sex with everyone else. Just like in a two-person marriage, everyone is always at choice concerning: whether, who, when, and how they have sex.Certain people might have sex with everyone in the group. Others might have sex with only one person. And this will probably change and evolve over time. Also, in some group marriages, one or more of the partners might be celibate … just like in a two-person marriage.[6]#3. JoiningSince the marriage is to the whole group it would take the agreement of everyone to add someone to the marriage.#4. DivorceAs far as leaving, there would be a “no-fault” divorce. Anyone could leave the group marriage, but like with two-person marriages, it would require a waiting period and a court proceeding.A person leaving the marriage (like a person leaving a business partnership) would be petitioning the court for a separation (divorce) from the “partnership” (marriage).Those spouses remaining would still be married to each other.If all spouses (or all but one spouse) wish to leave the marriage then they may file for a dissolution of the marriage itself.#5. FinancesJust like in a two-person marriage:Assets and liabilities accumulated during the marriage would belong to the group as a whole.And, just like in a two-person marriage, the group could decide to do things differently through a prenup.If a person divorces the group, divisions of assets would be handled much like in a two-person divorce. The person leaving would be entitled to a share of the wealth (and debt) that accumulated while they were in the marriage. For example, in a four-person marriage, the person leaving the marriage would get one-fourth of the marital assets that accumulated while they were in the marriage.Alimony would have all the same requirements and limitations as in two-person marriage. Alimony would be based on the average salary of the remaining group members. So if the sole breadwinner divorced the rest of the group then she would owe the group alimony. (Assuming the marriage was long enough etc.)#6. InheritanceUnder common law, if a spouse dies, one-half of their (non-marital) assets go to their spouse and one-half goes to their children.As is true for most situations, to make the above work for a group marriage you only need to add an “s” on to the end of the word spouse. Any inheritance that would normally go to one spouse would be divided equally among the living spouses.Of course, nowadays most states have community property laws where marital assets are viewed as community property. So if a spouse dies then all marital assets stay with the remaining spouse(s).#7. Retirement & Social Security Spousal BenefitsOnce again, the money is just divided among the spouses. We already do that when a person engages in serial polygamy by having multiple (poly) lifetime marriages (gamy). Each spouse gets a fraction of the benefit.In a four-person marriage, each spouse would be credited with 1/3 of the spousal benefit that would normally go to a single spouse in a two-person marriage.You might object that this would result in too little money to retire on. But in a four-person marriage, there would likely be (at least) three people working and so the stay-at-home spouse would be accruing retirement benefits from three people.And what is the alternative? In a situation where society doesn’t recognize group marriage, the additional partners in a polyamorous relationship receive nothing. Polyamorous relationships exist. So the only question is: Do we want to allow people in those relationships to marry each other?#8. Medical AuthorizationAgain we can look to existing norms. Who signs off on a medical form for a minor child who has two parents? The answer :Court: Just 1 parent needed for consent to child's surgeryThe same is true for:Adult children making medical decisions for their (single) incapacitated parent.Adult siblings making decisions for their mentally incapacitated sibling after their parents die.In all the above situations the adults work it out. And if they can’t work it out they go to court and the court decides in the “best interest of the patient.”#9. ChildrenAs noted above, twelve states in the US already recognize that a child can have three or more legal parents.[7]SEE:Courts and ‘tri-parenting’: A state-by-state lookA California Bill Would Legalize Third- and Fourth-Parent AdoptionsCalifornia Allows Children to Have More Than Two Legal ParentsIn the center of the picture below, Madison poses for a photo with her three legally recognized parents.The adults she calls Mom, Dad and Mama were all there for her birth, after the women decided to have a child together and approached a male friend. They shared time with Madison and input on raising her. Their Christmas Day traditions involve all of them.[8]Here’s what the daughter says about having three parents:Madison says her relationship with her parents resembles anyone else's — "I just happen to have three of them.""But the big picture is: You just have more people there to support you and be there for you and love you no matter what," she says. "Honestly, I look up to all of them."But legally, Victoria Bianchi became her daughter's parent only this fall, joining a small but growing number of Americans who have persuaded courts and legislatures to give legal recognition to what's sometimes called "tri-parenting.""I just felt like I've been holding my breath for the last 16 years," Bianchi said. "She's already been my daughter ... she's finally, legally mine."And in Canada, three adults in a polyamorous relationship have been declared the parents of a newborn:Three adults in polyamorous relationship declared legal parents of child#10. Employee Spousal BenefitsBusinesses are under no obligation to pay for health insurance for spouses or children. Some people have no children. Some people have fifteen children. Companies have figured out how to handle these situations.Many offer a “cafeteria benefit” plan where each employee has a set amount of money they can apply to their benefits package. They can use it for one very high-end health plan for themselves — or they can use the money to help fund health plans for their spouse(s) and/or child(ren).#11. Recognizing group marriage will save the government money.If you’re concerned about government expense then you should be in favor of legalizing group marriage.Anderson Cooper: How polygamy affects your walletPolygamists have multiple wives and dozens of children, but the state only recognizes one marriage. That leaves the rest of the wives to claim themselves as single moms with armies of children to support. Doing that means they can apply for welfare, which they do. And it's all legal."More than 65 percent of the people are on welfare ... compared with 6 percent of the people of the general population," Shurtleff said.But if they were in a legal marriage then these women couldn’t claim welfare.IMPROVEMENTS & SUGGESTIONS:I’d love to get constructive feedback. Both on wording/grammar and on better ways to handle the different situations that I’ve listed.Footnotes[1] Here’s a look at a new trend called ‘tri-parenting’ and where it’s legal[2] Polyandry - Wikipedia[3] Polygyny - Wikipedia[4] Polygynandry - Wikipedia[5] Polygynandrous videos, news and facts[6] Legal Marriage Requirements FAQs - FindLaw[7] Courts and ‘tri-parenting’: A state-by-state look[8] Modern Family: More Courts Allowing 3 Parents of 1 Child

I’ve told this story before, but I’m sure many people out there have yet to read it. What happened to me is inexcusable, and it makes me mad to this day.It was the fall of 2012, and I was living in the small rural Pennsylvania town of Williamsport. I was receiving my medical care from the VA clinic there. The entire clinic was on the second floor of a medical office building and consisted of two doctors, a psychiatrist, and a physician assistant. Not very big.You know how you get a bad feeling from certain people after you have just met them? That was how it was when I went to my new psychiatrist for the first time. She looked at me with what seemed to be contempt bordering on disgust.** This photo kind of reminds me of her.During my first couple of visits, I let it slide because I thought maybe that was just the way she looked. It wasn’t. She was mean and judgmental. I can certainly handle dealing with that kind of personality, but those are not qualities I want to see in a doctor caring for me.During my first visit, we went over my list of diagnoses, one of which was ADD. I don’t want to get into it too much, but an Army psychiatrist gave me that diagnosis after a TBI. He was treating the symptoms with medication.Without missing a beat, she looked up at me and said:“You don’t have ADD. I’m not giving you any more of that med.”Wow. She was with me for all of two minutes and made that clinical decision. I tried to explain about my TBI and how I was diagnosed with ADD secondary to that by two different military doctors. All that did was piss her off.“You don’t have ADD,” she grumped. “Let’s move on.”We went on to cover anxiety, depression, and PTSD.“I thought you guys never admitted to that,” she said, referring specifically to the PTSD.“I’m retired now,” was all I had to say.She said she was writing a couple of prescriptions for me and gestured towards the door. Apparently, my session was up.During subsequent visits, I could tell she didn’t like veterans much, and she had a particular disdain for men. Once, she asked me what I enjoyed. I told her that I liked to shoot, work out, and drive fast cars. She rolled her eyes and sighed.“What the hell was that?” I thought to myself. Usually, I can charm people. I mean, I’m a reasonably likable guy who can get along with just about anyone. This lady didn’t like me. That’s fine, but she was my psychiatrist.When I answered her questions, she’d look at me with her arms crossed and an expression on her face like she had just eaten something sour. She thought I was a bad person who had done bad things. She sat there in judgment.Jump forward a few more months. My anxiety and agoraphobia weren’t being well controlled, and I mentioned a med to her which I had taken in the past and which gave me good results.She looked at me, and half-laughed as she said, “I’m not giving you that med.”“Why not?” I shot back.Instead of answering my question, she said, “It’s all your fault, you know.”“What is?” I wondered.“Your anxiety, your PTSD. What did you expect, given the life you chose?”This was a low blow. I reached out for some help, and she basically told me I had it coming.She also told me that medicine wouldn’t help me because my problems were all in my head.That was it. Some button in my brain had just been pushed, and I was done with her.I stood straight up out of my chair. She inched backward almost imperceptibly, and for a fraction of a second, she looked a little scared.I told her that I thought she was a lousy doctor and that I wouldn’t need her services any longer. That really pissed her off. She took it personally.I got out of my seat and made my way past her to the door. She stopped me before I left, and she said. “I feel sorry for you. You deserve your misery.”I gave her half of a sarcastic smile as I walked out of her door.“Nice try,” I said.That last sentence of hers was just about as unprofessional as a psychiatrist can get, in my opinion. She was intentionally trying to piss me off. It didn’t work.I picked up a change-of-provider request form on my way out of the clinic, and it took the VA six months to get me another psychiatrist. The new doctor was over two and a half hours away, but I didn’t mind. It was worth the drive to get the help I needed.—Please visit my Space, Alpha Male, for more of the best of Quora.