Effective Communication With Our Children: Fill & Download for Free

My husband and I never spoke baby talk to our children…ever. We also asked their grandparents, aunts and uncles to not speak to them in baby-talk since they were around our kids often. The result was that our children had excellent vocabularies, can effectively communicate and write well. It was hilarious one time at a party when my son was about two or three, and refused to interact with the mother of a very good friend of ours. He acted a little afraid of her. I asked him if something was bothering him and he told me he did not like that lady because she was weird. He asked me if that was what drunk is. Turns out she was talking baby-talk to him and he could not understand what she was saying. He wanted to know why she was talking that way. On the other side of the issue….our house was the neighborhood hang out and one boy, about five years old, used to come over. He did not speak very well, could not enunciate properly. I thought he might be partially deaf or maybe a little autistic. I was speaking to his babysitter one day and found out he was not deaf nor autistic. His language was limited because his parents ALWAYS spoke baby-talk to him and still did. We moved and I saw him again when he was in high school. His speech was normal. I asked him about it and he said he had a rude awakening in school. Kids laughed at him and bullied him about his speech. One can speak to a baby with the same silly voice and loving tones that people use when talking baby-talk and still enunciate their words correctly. Why teach a kid a language incorrectly that they will have to relearn all over again?

Take your wife to the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia. Take her hand and go to the Smallpox exhibit. Let her enjoy reading about this horrific communicable disease and stand for a long time gazing at the visual figures in the exhibit that show what smallpox did to people of all ages. Without the smallpox vaccine and the amazing worldwide cooperative vaccination effort, we would still be suffering from this catastrophic disease. Also, let her know that the physician who claimed that vaccinations caused autism lost his medical license.

Before I share with you some of the things that work for me with my little ones, I would like to say something about sibling rivalry that gets forgotten easily.Sibling rivalry is normal and it has wonderful benefits for the healthy growth and emotional and social development of our children. If sibling rivalry is handled well by parents, it can be an amazing opportunity for our children to learn many valuable lessons:handling and resolving conflict in productive wayshow to cooperatelearning about taking responsibilityrewards of empathy and kindnessSaying this, I am not trying to say that sibling rivalry is easy or pleasant, especially to us parents who dream of seeing our children get along wonderfully in love, respect and mutual understanding.It does help a little to always remind yourself that where there are siblings, there will be sibling rivalry and that it should not necessarily be the cause of worry and unhappiness for parents.If we expect it, learn about it so we can understand it better, see the positive sides of it and find effective ways to manage it, then sibling rivalry shouldn’t become a cause of great stress in our families, but simply one of the challenges we face as parents.In my experience, sibling rivalry starts when one of these two important children’s needs is not being met:A child’s need to be seen and recognized as a separate person, special to the parent, and different from other children in the household.A child’s need to be loved “equally” and treated fairly (fear that he is loved less if the other sibling gets something more/better).If we address each of these needs, for each of our children, we can greatly minimize sibling rivalry. Instead of focusing on conflicts and the surface of every day bickering and quarrels, we should calmly put effort in helping each of our children feel special, appreciated and treated equally (or understanding the reasons why this is not always possible).I have 2 children, a 6 year old girl and a 2 and a half year old boy. They are perfectly normal little rascals, playful, energetic, mischiveous and wonderful. As any other brother and sister, they get into fights and conflicts.Here are some of the things that I do to handle this in my home:My children do not HAVE TO share their belongings with one another. There are toys that are shared, but those that they got as birthday or Christmas presents, souvenirs etc. are their own and we all respect that. I wrote about this much more here: Iva Izabela Miholic's answer to What are your silly little parenting tricks that you're so glad you discovered?I make sure that there is at least one day in a month when I take each of my children on a mom-child alone adventure (their dad does the same). They are very used to it so there is a lot of joy about this, and no jealousy. We chose together what we will do on our special day, and when we return, a child who was out always brings a little something for the other one. They learned that it is normal to do stuff together and to also do some things alone, so I might play a board game with my daughter without my little son, and play legos with him, as she is doing something else. It makes all the difference for their development as individuals, as well as their understanding of the rights and boundaries of other people around them.I encourage direct communication, and constantly teach them how to use it. Instead of screaming and pulling something out of your brother’s hands, what could you have done? You cannot take this from your sister’s desk. What could you do if you want to play with something that belongs to her (ask her nicely)?I place great value on empathy, giving, consoling and encouragement and teach my children to show this towards one another. My daughter loves to teach her little brother things that she has learned and rejoices when he manages to do something. She praises him the same way I praise her, and tells him things like: You can do it! Yeey! They make little presents for each other, and help each other do their little chores.When one of them is crying, I sometimes step back and let the other child come in with a hug and a kiss and to comfort their sibling. They feel very important as they do this, and develop empathy as well as beautiful connection.I avoid the plural pronoun YOU when I scold my children as well as when I praise them. I make both the scolding and the praise very individual. They are not one person, and therefore deserve to be addressed as individuals. If one child isn’t allowed TV or candy, the other one still has that privilege. I do not do generic rewards or punishments.I do not place my children one against another in different competitions: who will dress up first, who will be better at setting the table, etc. Some parents find that this helps their children move faster and do certain things better, but I find that it is much more rewarding to see them help one another finish a task, rather then gloating when they beat the other one, or feel less worthy if they aren’t the best.I do not compare them, saying things like: Why aren’t you fast/smart/good/tidy like your brother/sister. There is literally NOTHING productive in such comparisons. It humiliates the child, and sets him against his sibling.These are some of the things we do in our household, and I hope some of these ideas can help you manage sibling rivalry in your families as well. It is more about getting your children’s needs met, than preventing normal and healthy conflicts between siblings.I will end with one small rule that we have, that I hold sacred:We never, ever go to bed angry.Conflicts get resolved before bedtime, and then it’s time for stories, lullabies, hugs, kisses and Good-night little brother/sister, see you in the morning.This is how my rascals watched a cartoon recently. :-)) (Conflicts are completely fine, if the basis is a firm connection, security and love)