Sample Eviction Letter For Squatters: Fill & Download for Free

"What is the PHYSICALLY most painful experience you have ever had?"Stones.November 22th, 2013, around midnight, just as I was about to go to bed after a long day, I got abdominal pains. At first I thought it was indigestion, but the pain got worse and worse, and I couldn’t find any position to ease the pain. Sitting, standing, lying down, nothing worked. And the pain got worse, like a hot poker stabbing the left side of my back.I’m not unfamiliar with pain, even excruciating pain, but this was worse. This wasn’t a sharp pain for a moment, but an enduring sharp pain that I couldn’t ignore. I swallowed paracetomol and diclofenac and those painkillers did exactly nothing. Standing bent over under a hot shower eased the pain somewhat, but it was three in the morning and I couldn’t sleep in the bathroom stall under a pulsing spray.My wife woke up at half past five when she heard me downstairs, crying and moaning as I sat on the toilet with a bowl on my lap to throw up while I had diarrhea. I was pale and sweating, close to passing out from the pain. And I still didn’t know what was going on.We went to the hospital an hour later, with our sleepy children in tow because we couldn’t find a sitter on Saturday morning. I had to give a urine sample, which had blood in it, and my blood glucose was spiking at 10.6, so they told me I probably had Diabetes type 2.Great, but I was still in pain. Moving about seemed to give me some relief, but I was unsteady and delirious. They took me to the emergency wing, where I was put in a bed and examined. It was there that I learned that my pain was probably the result of a kidney stone.As the pain suddenly diminished, the consensus among the doctors were that the stone had shifted and no longer blocked the urethra, so I could go home. I could come back when the stone blocked my urethra again.I asked what we were supposed to do about the stone? ‘Drink lots of water and orange juice to flush your kidneys’, was the only advice. I got more diclofenac and a brochure and was sent packing. At home I could finally sleep, but I felt like I had been stomped in the back with steel-nosed boots.Over the week the pain slowly lessened. The Monday after the weekend of pain I had my blood tested again for glucose, but it had dropped to 7, so I didn’t have Diabetes type 2. Which was a relief.Monday, December 30th, the pressure in my back began to build again. I called on my physician, but the first moment I could have my kidneys scanned with ultrasound and x-ray was the next Friday. So my New Year’s Day was pretty much spoiled by stomach cramps and nausea. At Friday morning the ultrasound showed that my left kidney was swollen, filled with urine and blood, so they also took two x-rays of my kidneys and bladder.I called my physician in the afternoon, but they were clearly too busy with other patients, so finally I got a message that they had taken a cursory look at the X-rays and report from Radiology, but they’d have a referral letter for Urology ready for me the next Monday.So I suffered through another mostly sleepless weekend, called the hospital on Monday and made an appointment for Tuesday at eleven. With no immediate need for the referral letter, I stayed at home and went to my physician Tuesday at ten to get my referral letter.The referral letter had not been made yet, my physician wanted my urine to check for blood and… The sleep deprivation and pain took its toll and I cursed her for wanting to do more tests and reneging on her word that the referral letter would be ready. Due to my anger she referred me to her younger colleague to write me the referral letter.In the office with the younger colleague, I found out a few things. A) I should’ve been taking my diclofenac with two paracetomols, that would have increased the effectiveness of the diclofenac and diminished my pain, and B) when I told her I had been drinking three liters of water a day, as per advice of my physician, she told me I should’ve stopped drinking more than absolutely needed when the pain began…I got my referral and at Urology they told me that my six-millimeter kidney stone was an average size and their usual advice was pain management for a month. However, since my left kidney was swollen with fluids (because I had followed my physician’s advice to drink three liters of water per day), they deemed the kidney stone an urgent case for removal. So I got an appointment for early the next morning when they were going to break up the stone by using ESWL (Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy). In the meantime, they prescribed Tramadol, an opiate to reduce the pain so I could finally get some sleep.At eight the next morning I rode my bicycle back to the hospital for the ESWL treatment.The process for ESWL is: You lie on a water-filled cushion, and the surgeon uses X-rays or ultrasound tests to precisely locate the stone. High-energy sound waves pass through your body without injuring it and break the stone into small pieces. These small pieces move through the urinary tract and out of the body more easily than a large stone.I would receive three thousand high energy sound waves, which feel like someone is whacking your lower back with a small hammer. The intensity of the whacks is increased in increments, from 1 (the least painful intensity) to 6 (the most painful intensity). The first few increments were easy, and while the pulses became more painful, I easily managed the last thousand pulses at the highest intensity. The nurse who handled the ESWL was pleased with reaching level 6, since most people can’t handle anything above level 4 or 5.My wife drove me to another hospital, where I visited an orthopedic expert for recurring pain in my wrist (caused by an irritated tendon in my wrist), and afterward I could take public transport back to the first hospital to retrieve my bicycle and cycle home. Three hours later the pain increased and I was retching, pale and sweating again, close to passing out. At half past eight in the evening we asked a neighbor to sit in our house in case the children woke up and rushed back to the ER at the hospital.At the hospital I got an IV drip with Diclofenac and Fentanyl, which took away aaaallll my pain. I drowsily answered their questions, but while the pain had been extreme, I could expect some pain when I’d be flushing out the crushed kidney stone. When the fentanyl drip was empty, the pain returned, and they gave me three doses of morphine, but the morphine only diminished the pain somewhat without removing it altogether, like the Fentanyl.Still, there was not much they could do, and my pain was not harmful, so I was sent home again. So that’s the situation I’m currently in. I feel ‘okay’ most of the time and the rest I’m between cramps and outright pain.The next Wednesday the urologist would check my kidneys for progress and determine whether I needed more ESWL treatments. Meanwhile the drugs made me drowsy, so I put my fiction writing on hold until that pesky stone left my body.The CT scan found six stone fragments forming a queue in my urethra and Wednesday February 12th I went into the hospital to have them removed. Thankfully under complete anesthetic, they inserted tubes through my male organ to reach the bladder, where they burrowed through the urethra to the left kidney, crushing every stone they found with lasers and flushing them out, leaving a JJ shunt between the kidney and the bladder to prevent the urethra from collapsing as it healed.I woke up after the operation with an IV drip and a catheter that continuously gave me the urge to urinate. After a drug-induced sleep between Wednesday and Thursday, both IV and catheter were removed and I was discharged. I felt fine until the drugs wore off, then I felt extremely violated…Since I’d been too stoned to pay attention, I missed the part about the drugs I needed to take at home, so I spent Friday in increasing bouts of severe abdominal cramps and went back to the hospital on Saturday, where they told me (haha), I should’ve gone to the pharmacy to pick up my Oxybutinine, which would relax my abdominal muscles and at the same time make me too stoned to concentrate on even the most mundane tasks.March 5th my JJ shunt came out. The procedure should've been relatively painless. First they put some numbing gel on your genitals, then a hollow tube with a light and camera goes inside and through the hollow tube goes a flexible snake with pliers at the end that grab the shunt and pull it out.The problem is that the JJ shunt has two curls on either end, so there’s some resistance as the pliers pull on the shunt as the upper curl (in the kidney) uncurls and straightens so it can pass through the urethra. Got that picture? Good.I could follow through a monitor as the camera inched closer to the curl in my bladder. The pliers opened and after some maneuvering the pliers closed on the end of the curl and started pulling it toward the camera tube. Then the slippery shunt escaped the pliers and sprung back.I can tell you right now, that doesn’t feel good at all.Second attempt, and the shunt is almost at the camera tube when the beak of the pliers let go and the shunt sprang back. Like someone uses your innards like a slinky. Spooooinggg.Then I lost my cool and snapped at the assistant, “Can you hold tight on the damn thing?”She excused herself and the third attempt went fine, the JJ shunt slithering out of my body like a reluctantly evicted squatter. They asked if they should throw the JJ shunt away, but I had them lock the bastard into a specimen bottle so I’d have something to gloat over.I've had two more URS procedures to remove additional stones, and the medication of the second URS with JJ shunt exacerbated dormant closed angle glaucoma and damaged the optic nerve and cornea of my left eye, so now I'm half-blind as well. So, if the urologist prescribes medication that increases your eye pressure, like VesiCare, make sure you don't have any problems with your eyes.The problem was, they told me to drink a lot of water, but they neglected to tell me that I shouldn't drink when I was in pain. Thing is, they neglect to tell you a lot of things:After my colic, they didn't tell me not to drink when I was in pain.After my first URS, they forgot to give me my pain meds for home, so I had to be rushed back the same evening to get them.When they gave me Tamsulosine, they forgot to tell me that Tamsulosine can cause IFIS (intermittent floppy iris syndrome).When they gave me VesiCare, they forgot to tell me that it would increase my IOP and that as a farsighted person I should get my eyes checked before taking this medicine.When they gave me eyedrops for glaucoma, they forgot to tell me that the main ingredient were beta blockers that gave me monster headaches, flatlined my emotions and killed my libido.During the pre-op prep for my CLEAR (clear lens extraction and replacement) they forgot to read my medication from 2014 until I told them as an afterthought that I had used Tamsulosine for three months, which propensity to increase the chances on IFIS can seriously screw up the surgery.When they operated on my eye, they forgot to mention that my cornea was already too damaged from the IOP spike that my vision was screwed up forever anyway.Need I go on? Whenever you visit your doctor, make sure you read up on what they are about to do, so that you know what questions to ask.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the pellets and poisons don’t work.Also, there’s a good chance the seeds/plants weren’t eaten by moles or gophers, but rather by voles or other vermin.The only bonafide way to get rid of gophers and moles is to shuffle them off this mortal coil.These are mole traps.Scissor Jaw TrapSpear trap.You place a 2–3 of these traps along the most active tunnel and wait. When the mole or gopher travels along in the path, these bad boys stop them dead in their tracks.To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint.“But I want to be a humane gardener!”Not possible. If you want to be a humane gardener, then all you are doing is providing wildlife a sustainable food source and a permanent place to live. They no longer forage for food since you are just planting it for them every year. How kind of you! Also, they take up residence in your yard, have babies over and over all while you provide a pantry full of food for them and their extended family.If you are a passionate gardener, then wildlife is the bane of your existence. I know people who plant a garden for themselves and one for the scavengers. This is a harebrained idea! Fighting insects and plant disease/fungus is hard enough without adding wildlife to the mix! (And guess what happens when “their garden” is empty? Wildlife DO NOT differentiate between “ours” & “theirs.”)Moles & gophers are destructive to your garden and your yard. They burrow tunnels throughout the yard in search of food. Their favorite meal is Lumbricus terrestris. It’s not a dish you’d find at some fancy Italian restaurant, although it sounds like it could be an entreé, but rather it’s something the early birds would fight moles over (FYI - moles would win. Sure they may be blind, but they have extremely sharp claws).But what about grubs? Sorry, that’s the preferred snack for Pepe LePew. Moles don’t really give a shit about grubs. Gophers will eat grubs, I guess, but still prefer earthworms.(FYI - I don’t have gophers or prairie dogs in midwest US - it’s all groundhogs and moles. So if any rodentologists want to add Gopher facts in the comments, be my guest!)You’ll be able to tell if you have moles or gophers easily - gophers create mounds. Moles create tunnels.Gophers:They're like the Viet Cong -- Varmint Cong.Moles:…something, something don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill or something…The destruction doesn’t stop there. Once a mole has abandoned a tunnel system, voles move in.Voles are mistaken/also known as field mice. It should be known (in case any Rodentologists are reading) that voles are NOT mice. They are of the Cricetidae family (sub family Arvicolinae) in the order of Rodentia so they are more like hamsters than they are like mice (technically more like muskrats and lemmings, but we’re talking USA here, and I’ve never seen a lemming. They definitely don’t look like the little guys from the game).Little Bunny Foo Foo ain’t scooping them up, she’s busy eating the lettuce you planted for her in the scavenger garden.Now, voles are cute little bastards that are just the worst! They eat and destroy your trees, shrubs, seedlings, saplings, new plantings….any vegetation you are so kind to provide for them unintentionally.Being the squatters that they are, as I stated before, they move into and use the abandoned mole tunnels to navigate their way through your yard and eventually into your house, garage, or shed come winter.If there weren’t mole tunnels to begin with, no biggie, evolution gave these guys claws to dig tunnels with also…albeit much slower than a mole or gopher due to their size.Here’s some damage these little f*&@$!s did to some hostas:Here’s a tree:And here’s the lawn:Yes, I’m getting my images off of Google. No, I didn’t change permissions to “labeled for reuse.” It’s educational and informational and I don’t intend on making money off of this answer. I’m sure Quora and their partner program does though…So, now that we know that voles are probably the milkweed and palm plant eating assholes, how do you prevent them from sampling the fruits of your labor?You find one, sit him down, reprimand him and tell him not to do it again. You also hand him an eviction letter. His nose turns red. He understands, and with a lump in his throat, he thanks you for your generosity in letting them stay as long as they have. You realize he has to go home and tell his wife the bad news. It’s almost Christmas and his impulsive actions got them evicted again. He was just trying to feed his starving family…ORYou protect your plants because you realize that anthropomorphism is only used in fairy tales, and there is no way to evict voles. Again, you’re gonna have to go the inhumane route and kill the sonsabitches!Here’s where there’s commonality among mice and voles - mousetraps kill all small rodents!ORYou can protect your plants with “vole cages” or “Vole Baskets” (a bullshit marketing term I just learned for “dollar store wire basket”):or plain ol’ chicken or fencing wire like this:You will want to bury the wire as just setting it on the soil around the plant won’t do shit for underground tunnelers (but thanks for playing…). You need to bury it at least 6–8 inches below the base of the plant to protect the roots also (never hurts to go an extra inch or two - or so I’ve heard…that’s what she said…).Remember, voles only need the size of a quarter to fit in a hole (….that’s what she sa- okay, you know what, that’s kinda gotten a little old…the moment it showed up on a coffee cup it was over….)The fencing or wire baskets will also protect your plants from starving rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks. Rabbits are also notorious for eating EVERYTHING and shitting it all over your garden. A starving animal will eat anything, not just what it normally eats, and will forage for food where it feels most protected.So, if there are no gopher mounds, mole hills, or vole tunnels (or entrances) in your yard or near the garden, there’s a good possibility that this guy is the culprit:Death awaits you all - with nasty, big, pointy teeth! You’ll need to bring out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and follow the instructions.