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I wish I hadn’t let her go because of my small town mentality.I’m a 28 year old guy living and working in Bengaluru. I was 18 when I met her. 10 years have passed but when I remember the first time I saw her, it still feels like yesterday.Her jet black hair, gorgeous skin and those legs for days were my undoing, and it was the same for every other guy in my batch. Heck, every man in my college.I saw professors checking her out, too, in classrooms and corridors. My batchmates and seniors were absolutely crazy about her.Her name was Pearl and true to her name, she looked like a million dollars.She looked beautiful, topped in class, and came from an extremely rich family.She was polite to everyone but didn’t have any real friends. I saw girls ignoring her out of jealousy, and guys not talking to her out of the fear of being friendzoned.I imagine all she did in a day was to come out of her hostel, attend classes, go back, and study all night.I felt bad for her sometimes but didn’t think much about it until that one night.There was a marsh-like pond in our college where no one really used to go to at night. It was quite isolated from the rest of the campus and the area was really woody. I would go there sometimes to smoke a cigarette but that was very rare.However, I’m glad I went there on that day because she was there. Alone. Sitting on a log with her shoes all muddy. And WTF? Why was she crying?I crunched a few leaves under my feet to make her aware of my presence. She looked behind her and directly at me but she didn’t stop crying.Not knowing what to do, I went and stood next to her.‘Are you alright?’‘Yeah, I’m sorry! I’m just not having the time of my life at the moment.’I didn’t act as a stranger to her problems. I told her I felt bad how people behaved with her. I knew how lonely she must feel.She looked up and smiled at me through watery eyes. Damn it! She looked so beautiful my heart melted like lava. My throat felt so dry and I realised I had never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I wanted to kiss her at that moment, to take her pain away, to make her forget about things and just keep her smiling like that.But obviously I didn’t act on my instincts. I sat there next to her and we talked all through the night. She told me about her family, her career plans and I did the same.Now it may sound like I’m exaggerating and I’m sure most of you don’t believe in the concept of soulmate either, but that night, something felt like it had fallen in place, like the final missing piece of a puzzle.That pond became our favourite haunt from that day, and we started meeting there every night. Our conversations soon started ending with good night hugs, and those good night hugs turned into kisses.Then exams took place and it was time for summer vacations. None of us wanted to leave the other but it was time to go home. That was the first time we realized how much we loved each other. We talked all night along in between kisses and hugs. I wanted to take a step ahead but I didn’t want to pressure her into anything she wasn’t ready for.Fast forward five years, we both had graduated a year ago, and I was now working in Noida, earning 7 lacs p.a. She chose to work with her father after graduation, also in Noida. We were both 23 now and decided it was time to let out families know about our relationship.Her family already had an idea about it. She had introduced me to her older brother as her best friend many times, and one of those times, he chose to warn me against breaking her heart.She told her entire family about it now. They welcomed me with open arms. They knew my family wasn’t nearly as rich as theirs, but that wasn’t a problem for them. All they wanted me to do was to take care of their daughter with everything I had.We were really happy. One family conquered. Now it was time for mine.I took a leave from my office and flew to Varanasi, where my family lived. This conversation was something I wanted to have face-to-face with my parents.I sat both my parents on my second day at home in the living room and told them about Pearl.‘We have been together for a long time now and we would like to get married in another couple of years with your blessings.’My parents were shocked. They did not expect it. I immediately felt guilty about not telling them sooner. But I also knew if I gave them any idea, they would have pressured me into leaving her and stop dating altogether. They are very conservative and the only way two people can get married, according to them, is when their families arrange it for them.Before I could understand what was happening, my mother clutched her heart, and my father began to fan her.I immediately called an ambulance in my shocked state.The doctor told us my mother was in shock and came close to a heart attack. I was devastated and blamed myself for putting her through it.I waited for the next four days for her to recover a bit, then resurfaced the conversation. I told them I was in love and listed all the wonderful qualities Pearl possessed. I tried to convince them that she would make a wonderful daughter-in-law and would love them like her own parents.But somewhere amidst convincing them, I realized I was trying to convince myself of the same thing, that she would take care of my parents like her own, but I don’t know what got into me. All of a sudden, I wasn’t so sure. I was afraid, even, what if she doesn’t respect my family enough?My mother wore saree and kumkum. My father had a simple clerical job. Her mother wore dresses and high heels, typical high-society woman of Delhi. Her father probably had more money than my entire town.That night for the first time in five years, I did not talk to Pearl. I sat with my mother and listened to her.She put into words what I was feeling, and told me our relationship would never work in the long run.My father made me have breakfast with him the next day and told me to call it quits.‘She can never be a part of a family like ours. Rich people have little family values. You saw what happened to your mother a week ago. Do you think she will be able to take care of your mother if a similar thing happens again? Don’t forget your roots, son. Girls like Pearl are okay as girlfriends, but don’t bring them home as your wife.’In that moment, I suddenly felt disgusted of the way Pearl carried herself. Her short dresses and high heels, that I was so attracted to just a week ago, started to annoy me.I don’t know if it was the atmosphere of my home town, the sudden deterioration of my mother’s health, my father’s words, or my own confusion and fear over taking a step as big as getting married, but I decided to call it quits with Pearl.‘Don’t worry about her,’ my father told me the day I was leaving for Noida, ‘Girls like her will forget about you in a week. She will have another boyfriend by the time you see her next.’I was really angry and pissed off, and made the biggest mistake of my life. I believed my father. I believed my mother. I believed everything around me, without realizing my parents carried off a perfect charade to brainwash me into giving up the woman I loved.I went back and broke up with Pearl. She cried, but did not try to stop me. I was convinced she didn’t love me. She wouldn’t have left me so easily if she did.Then I made the second biggest mistake of my life. My twisted mindset made me believe Pearl never loved me, and I broke all contact with her. My parents knew I was vulnerable and lonely. They sent me a picture of a girl of their choice on WhatsApp. She did not wear make up like Pearl, wore simple clothes like my mother, and looked really homely. The kind of girl my parents wanted for me, the kind of girl I wanted for my parents. I turned into this perfect misogynist without even realizing it.I got married to this simple girl within the next three months. I never even had a proper conversation with her before marriage. She had just completed her graduation and had never worked a day in her life. I brought her to Noida with me and adjusting there took a toll on her.She did not like the place where I lived, so we ended up shifting to a more family-friendly place. I hoped she would like it at the new place but I was mistaken. She would cry into my chest every day I came home. I tried to comfort her, but it was getting frustrating. I worked hard everyday from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., and wanted nothing more than a smiling face to greet me when I came home.I came close to yelling at her on a particular day, but stopped myself before I could. I decided to send her home to my parents for a few days.It had been only three months since we’d been married, and in the past 6 months, there wasn’t a day or even a moment when I did not think about Pearl. But that day, for the first time ever since I broke contact with her, I decided to check her Facebook profile.Location: California, United States.Profile Picture: A perfect party girl having the time of her life with her girl friends all around her.I flipped through all her pictures and realized she’d been in the US for the past 4 months, studying in one of the best universities of the world.I felt angrier than ever. At what? I don’t know! Perhaps because she had moved on so easily, exactly what I was afraid she would do.With anger pumping through me, I called our only mutual friend, Kashish, to ask about Pearl’s love life.‘You’re absolutely wrong, Ashish. Pearl hasn’t dated anyone since you left her. I don’t think she will be able to for a long time. You broke her into pieces. She battled severe depression for several months.’I never cried once ever since our break up, but that night I felt shattered. I sobbed into my pillow all night.Next day, I called Kashish again and persuaded her to give me Pearl’s phone number.Pearl picked up after three rings.‘Hello’Hearing her voice after so long made me remember about all those beautiful moments we had spent together.‘Hi’She stopped speaking. She knew it was me.‘Would you say something, Pearl?’— Silence —‘Please?’‘We’re over. Sorry, Ashish.’And she hung up. What broke me completely were not her words or hearing her voice after so long, it was the pain in her voice. She still loved me, and I loved her, but I had destroyed the beautiful life we could build together in the most brutal way. And what for? Because I was afraid Pearl wouldn’t fit into my family.It was me who had to marry her, not my family. I wish I had realized it sooner.I lost my focus at work, and went into severe depression. My home was mostly empty because my wife wouldn’t stay for more than a month with me. She constantly made excuses to go back, and sometimes I wanted her gone because her emotional drama was only making my depression worse.In one year, my life turned from this beautiful garden of eden to hell. All because one moment of weakness, one moment of doubt. I constantly blamed myself and often thought of suicide.My colleagues asked me to see a psychiatrist and I started going to him once a week. The medicines started to kick in after a month, and some semblance of sanity was returning to my life when my wife dropped the bomb.The only reason she found it difficult to live in Noida was because she couldn’t forget her lover before marriage. She thought she would be able to forget about him because I was supposed to be the big-city guy fulfilling all her big-city dreams, but all I was ever successful at was being a lousy husband.I asked her if that was the reason she wanted to go to Varanasi constantly. Her silence was all the answer I needed. I wanted to ask her if she had also slept with him after our marriage, but I did not because I was afraid of the answer.Karma had hit me hard, really hard, it also took my parents into the fold.I called them and told them everything, and also sent my wife-on-paper back home. I would file for a divorce in a month.Fast forward three years, I’m working and living in Bengaluru. I’m earning more than my family ever imagined I could earn but that does nothing to alleviate the pain I feel.I think about Pearl everyday, and on occasions, can’t resist messaging her on Facebook. She always reads my message but never replies. But so far, she hasn’t blocked me, so I hope and believe she doesn’t mind them.She got married two years ago to a half-Indian, half-French guy in the States. She’s moved on in life and is happy.I hope to find my happiness too someday, but I keep hoping I would find it in Pearl again, the woman I had let go because of my small-town mentality.If you’re ever lucky enough to find your Pearl, don’t let her leave. Ever.

Breakup-Move on phases explained. #worth a readDenial->Anger——>Grief—>Acceptance———>Move OnIntroductionThis is the first time ever I would be expressing my story in writing. I would not like to post and describe the characters as Anonymous since I want my past to be presented transparently. The breakup phase is a bitter experience and it cannot be simplified ever. But if my experience can ever present itself as an empathy or help to any individual, I will be happy to discover that the bitterness has a higher purpose.#lengthy scribble warningHow we met?Charu is my first and only girlfriend I had till date. We met in our graduation college in Calcutta. She was an year junior to me. We met on a random day in the college library and became friends. Few months after we met, I took the initiative, kept my cool and did some hard work for few months and thence began our 3.5 years of relationship. The details of how things got materialized are best left for another relevant post.Honeymoon phase - College lifeI spent one of the best 2 years of my life in college. We were both deeply in love. Her house was just a 10 min walk from my home and our college was also a 10 min walk from each others house, in another direction. That was a very big advantage. We were almost always together. We were so used to each other's companionship that when I used to visit my native, there used to be a sudden and big void in both of our lives. We browsed the streets of Calcutta, every nook and corner, just walked holding hands and spent hours under the beautiful shady gardens of Victoria Memorial. Life seemed lovely.Honeymoon phase - Long DistanceIn the ending moments of my college life, I got placed in a company and had to move out to Chennai for the job. A distance of 1400 kms. In India, this is a huge distance. She was very upset for me having to move away but happy as well since it was a decent opportunity. And hence started the long distance phase of our relationship which lasted an year. I was told by friends and read around that long distance relationship does not work, so I made it a point to be an exception to this trend. I managed my work life and leaves in a way that I was able to make 8 visits in one calendar year. An average visit every 1.5 months.Long duration phone calls, sms, chats, skype, letters, emails and frequent visits, long distance was just a definition. Couple of times, I did not notify her of my visit to Calcutta and would show up on her door suddenly, unannounced. Her face used to fill up with utter excitement and I used to relish the expression. I was the perfect boyfriend, she used to say. I was proud of myself as well. It was lovely.We had our share of little misunderstandings as evident in every practical relations, but we were "happy". Our marriage was an obvious event. She wasn't very bright individual or utterly beautiful, but I was contended and fond of her. I am a good human, career concerned and foresighted and she was fond of it. Few months into my career, while she was in her final year of college, we started talking about marriage seriously. I was already close to her family but in the subsequent visits I made to see her, I tried to get closer to her family, to her mother, to her father. They liked me as well. I was a welcome guest.Few weeks before her college ended, she got placed in a good company with joining in Bangalore. We both were overjoyed since Bangalore is few hours journey from Chennai and her career was on a good start as well. I started preparing myself for my first career switch and decided to move over to Bangalore.In my second last visit to Calcutta, I decided to introduce her to my family. I was from a traditional middle class family and love marriage was kinda strict, but I decided to take the risks and introduce her - it was time. My family was on a visit to Calcutta at that time. It was a ripe moment. We decided the day, the date, the restaurant for the meet. What she should wear? What she should do? What she should not do? We planned everything. Our moment of truth was near. Her birthday was close too.The problemShe did not have many friends in college. So, after I left college and went for work, she was kinda alone, without much company. I was not a typical boyfriend who would stalk her mails or fb profile, suspect her of anything, or do any funny business. I had full faith on her. She too shared the details of any events happening with her, any new people she met or anything. Our communication was transparent. It was lovely. Couple of weeks before I was supposed to come to Calcutta to introduce her to my family, she mentioned a guy she had started communicating with. She used to blabber some stuffs. I was least bothered and kept myself occupied with the family rendezvous and any subsequent backlashes from family. In fact, I was working on some random plan B.A few before our rendezvous, I noticed a sudden change in her voice. It was already 3.5 years into our relation and I knew her through and through. The change in voice and response style was too intimidating to ignore. I started panicking. One day I discussed my observations with her and she immediately corrected me saying it was nothing and I should not be bothered. I thought I was over-reacting and unnecessarily suspecting my dear wife.( Yes, that's what I had started calling her by then). But deep inside my heart, I knew something was not right. Something heavy was happening. I used to ponder over and over again.A week before our family rendezvous, a day before her birthday. She called me over and asked me to come over skype. She looked undecided. I asked her the problem. She was silent for a long time and then in the faintest of her voices, she replied, " I am in love with the guy"DenialI was crestfallen. My heart did not want to believe what she was saying but my mind knew she was telling the truth. It was an agonizing night where I found myself repeatedly asking her if I had made any mistake or I went wrong somewhere. I was in no position to accept what she said. This went on for a long time that night. Frequently I found myself covered in tears. The night seemed to last forever. She was gone, forever.I woke up the next day early morning and for a moment thought it was a bad dream. But I saw my laptop kept open, the webcam attached and the skype still logged in, and knew the bad dream is indeed a reality. I made up my mind to visit Calcutta on that day itself. It was her birthday as well. I thought of giving it another shot. I went to office for a face to face discussion with my TL, explained her of an ugent situation and showed her the flight tickets. I left out the details. She was kind and granted me the leave. I took off for Calcutta.I reached Calcutta by late noon. I called her up from the airport and engaged her in conversation while sitting on the bus. I asked stuffs like, "Do you wish to see me on your birthday" & "What if I suddenly come in front of you". To this she replied that she was more interested in the other guy and would not wish to be with me on the day. It was a cruel reply. I felt like returning back to Chennai at the immediate moment but I knew it was too late for that I would have to meet her. I told her of my visit over the phone and asked her to come to South City Mall ( very famous in Calcutta, very near to our college, and the place where our love evolved).I met her after around an hour. Our eyes met with blank expressions. I wanted to scream at her with all my might, but it was her birthday, she was 23. I stopped in between my travel from airport to the mall and customized a red rose bouquet with 23 flowers and a handful of rose petals. I took her to the roof of the mall (it wasn't allowed but we used to sneak there often) and showered the rose petals and greeted her with the rose bouquet and greeted Happy Birthday. She just smiled, there was no love in that smile.I booked a table for two and before she could start anything, I simply asked - "What's my fault? Where am I wrong?". First she cried for quite some time. People around me started looking at me in curious ways, but I was least bothered. My life was shattering in front of my eyes. She said sorry countless times in between her cries. She settled after some time and then started describing the other guy, his looks, his personality, his blah, his blah. She was clearly smitten. But I was stubborn too. I would not let her go without any fight. The other guy in question did not have a great family background, nor had a great college history and mostly indulged in alcoholic drinks and Ganja (Cannabis drug, a form of Marijuana). I was the exact opposite of him. I reasoned with my girlfriend about the difference between me and him. About how she would have a better life and stability and family and prosperity being with me than being with him. But she argued every point. She took his side on every argument I presented. This went on and on for a long time. I came back to Chennai next day. She came for a see-off, told me she is sorry that she wronged me and would like to be my "friend" forever.Back at Chennai, things were worse. Without even realizing, a week passed and my time for planned visit to Calcutta came, the time for family rendezvous. I cancelled all those plans. And while I was there, gave another unwilling try to revive our old relation. I spent time with her, visited old places we visited together before, talked about things. For a moment everything seemed normal and I quickly realized that this time though, she was spending time with a "friend". Things were obvious in her behavior but I tried not to burst out. Few days later, I came back to Chennai, still unconvinced that she was no more mine, still unable to bring myself to the reality, still giving halfhearted tries, still wishing all these were part of a bad dream, still wishing that she would realize her mistake and would come back running to me. Alas, only blank wishes!AngerFew weeks after the denial phase, came the anger phase -- Why did she do this to me? Why did she have to do this to me? What made her do this to me? Why? But why? Whywhywhy??? I used to remain occupied most of time with these questions to myself. I used to remain angry most of the time. Weeks and weeks of sleepless nights spent with anger thoughts. I am usually a very relaxed and calm person and was surprised at the amount and the duration of anger I was capable of generating. Waves and waves of subsequent anger. During these times, we used to talk occasionally. I used to keep the conversations short for the fear of me bursting out at her. I still cared for her, dunno why, dunno how, but I did.GriefJust when it seemed anger is set to leave me, the grief was ready and waiting to hit me. The questions which presented itself in angry form suddenly took a grieving form and started bothering me again. But this time, the questions were directed towards myself. What did I do? What did this happen to me? Where was I wrong? I was sad. I was unhappy most of the time. I didn't enjoy anything at all. Again, I spent weeks of sleepless nights. I was out of energy. At times, I found myself drifting towards her thoughts. At times, I couldn't control myself and called her up. Only to be rendered more grieving after the call. It was agonizing, it was painful. It drained me of all the good things I had.But as is said, every bad thing is followed by good things. My process of job switch was still on. And suddenly, I was able to pull off an amazing interview and landed an amazing job at Bangalore. But wait, more bad things were yet to come. In the meantime, she had started working in Bangalore as well. Our dream of spending our professional life in Bangalore materialized. Both were now set to work in Bangalore but under very different circumstances.On the day of joining, I left Chennai and stepped into Bangalore with heavy heart. My office was amazing, with position as a Casino Slot Game Developer, the office environment was too good. Music overflowing. I wanted to feel awesome but I couldn't. I met my old school buddies at Bangalore. I wanted to feel overjoyed, but I couldn't. I was incapable of feeling happy. That emotion had dried off me. Midst of all these, she came to know about my move to Bangalore. Her office was within a couple of kilometers from my office. It was an agonizing fact to discover. She demanded a meeting. I was undecided but I couldn't deny her. I met her for 10-15 mins and then left citing office work, but in reality I was free. Seeing her face was too much for me. It was unbearable.The same night, I tried to take another attempt. Don't know why this thought wandered into my mind. Maybe after seeing her face in person drove me into this desperation. Anyway, I called her up, asked her to forget everything, all past, all troubles, and come over to start afresh. Start a new phase of our relationship in a new city, with new hopes, with new beginning. She denied, citing she was already in a relationship. But she would be eager to remain friends with me. I disconnected the call immediately. It was stupid thing to ask and I felt anger over my own stupidity and self respect.I got back into the cycle of anger and grief over a period of next few days. My awesome job, in my favourite city, amongst my closest childhood friends with awesome salary. None of them were able to make me happy. I was deprived of the ability to feel happy.AcceptanceMy period of worst phase was long. But long is not infinite. That's why the two words are different. My office had a branch in Chennai as well. And I discovered an open position in Chennai. I considered all the possibilities against my mental state and decided to apply for that position. It was just 2 weeks I had left Chennai but suddenly I felt eager for that position. Something told me things would get fine if I get back to Chennai. It was an urgent opening. I applied for it and it got approved immediately. I got all packed up and left Bangalore. On that night, before boarding the inter-city bus, I sent her a text notifying about my decision. And switched off my mobile.I reached Chennai the next morning and felt a sudden freshness. It was the same city I had known for 1.5 years. I opened my cell and saw missed calls from her. She was little upset about me leaving Bangalore suddenly and wanted to "talk".( A little background info. I am a very resourceful person. Maybe not too much in terms of monetary but in being informative and getting this done. I helped her a lot in college, helped her in placements and numerous uncountable other things. I was everything for her.).Anyway, she called me up and we did talk. She was surprised about my sudden move back to Chennai and wanted a reason. She kept on blabbering about how she always wanted me to be friend. And would hate me going away from being friend. She felt little insecure about suddenly losing her resource pool. On a rather funny note, midst of all these talks, I asked in a sarcastic way if she needs me because I am very valuable, to which she said yes. (Yeah!).I felt powerful for the first time in over 6 months. And I felt myself smiling for the first time, though in a very evil way.Moving OnI wanted to capitalize on this very nascent change. I felt little energetic on a miniature level. The Anger-Grief cycle was still inside me, but I needed something to vent out. I realized that more I kept myself occupied, the less my mind wandered to old thoughts. I was in need of new stuffs, new activities, new engagements.I reached office and saw a Table Tennis(pong) board. I never held a TT bat in my life but that day, I took up a playful session. I chose TT to be my distraction. I took up serious self practice sessions in the after office hours. And after an year later, I was runners up in the doubles TT tournament held in office. It was a big thing for me and shocked everyone around. A win-win situation for me.Parallely, I introduced myself to running at Terry Fox charity runs - 6 kms. I found it a great way to vent out build up energy and negative thoughts inside me. I found running very captivating for me. Few months after that, I ran my first 10K at Chennai marathon. I was unstoppable after that and took part in numerous countrywide events with short and long runs, including a half marathon and a triathlon. I was on top of myself. These are my trophies and I take my pride in them.Sometime in between, I took up dancing classes in zumba and hip-hop for a couple of months. It was a nice experience.I started globetrotting on a massive scale. A new visit every couple of months. So much that I exhausted all the possible excursion places in south of India.I got back to my reading hobby.And about my ex, she desperately wanted to retain contact with me. But now, I called the shots. The ball was in my court. I declined any sort of communication. I rejected calls. The human mind remembers things. And certain events, certain scenarios have power to trigger dormant memories. Her voice had that power. I was aware of this and wanted to avoid the scenario at all costs. Out of sight, out of mind actually works....................................................................................................................The ending part might seem to be very easy but it was not. It took more than an year for me to get out of my break up completely. I experienced true love. She was the everything for me and things which happened over 3.5 years took their time to ward off from the mind. I grew closer to my family. I had immense support from my sister and my ex's sister. Might seem strange but its true. I am still in good contact with my ex's family. They still like me. Maybe the bridge between me and my ex's family was built because of her. But it strengthened solely on mutual communication and behavior. I value human interaction and decided to retain contact with ex's family. Of course, she is always pissed off whenever she discovers I paid a visit to her family. But now it's my time to enjoy.I blocked her on fb and mails. She tried numerous ways to keep info on my whereabouts. She communicated with my close friends and kept the communication line open with them. But I was least perturbed and told my friends not to give any info about her to me. I am sure she fb stalks using a different profile. But eh, should I be concerned? Ignorance is bliss!!!It has been 2.5 years since my breakup. And I have not been with a woman again, yet. Was it true love? Yes. Have I moved on? If it means being least concerned about my ex? Yes. If it means forgetting her? No-The brain has capabilities to retain memory, it doesn't forget. The memories fade away only with time, but they work according to what you want. If you want to think about past, the memories remains stronger. If you are occupied elsewhere, they start fading. Anywhere I see the mention of her name, the old memories try to come out of the sealed box and devour me. But my will power is much stronger now to ward them off. I think this fight will go till eternity, and I will always be victorious.The breakup is a rich life experience. The wisdom cannot be gained unless experienced. It helps you get a clear picture of life. It helps you identify people better. Not only it helps you to have a better relationship next time, but it gives you a chance to make yourself a better person. The period of breakup-move on varies from person to person. But at the end, you will come off as a much better person. Don't worry if are in a breakup, feel happy that a better version of you is waiting on the horizon.Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!EDIT#1Greetings, fellow Quora folks!I received numerous queries and comments related to the post. And I had tried my best to respond to them.Over time, it is observed that most of the queries classified themselves into a handful of categories. So, I thought of consolidating them and provide a generic response for all. I hope you don't have to take the pain of putting up queries and waiting for response. Although if you want to communicate, you are always welcome. Here we go!Whereabouts?I have moved back to Bangalore lately. So, here I am surrounded by my awesome job, in my favourite city, amongst my closest childhood friends. And I am enjoying every bit of it. I have taken my globetrotting taste to a whole new level. A new visit every couple of months has been transformed into a new visit every couple of weeks. I recently covered the whole of Kashmir with a 2000 kms road trip, thus striking out the #1 item off my bucket list. How do I manage holidays? Well, the Gods must be crazy on me. :)About my ex. Where is she? Is she still with the same guy? I don't know. And it doesn't bother or matter. It's my time to enjoy.Similar experiences?Quite a number of quorans have stated that they had similar experiences. Some even went on to say if I had read their personal diaries because the incident described is a mirror replica. Well, I am not surprised. And this only strengthens a belief I have held strongly in my life. And that is, human behavior is same everywhere. What changes is the language, or the religion, or the lifestyle, or the culture, or the habitat. But on the inside, we are all same. We are closer to each other as humans than we think ourselves to be. #helloworld.Relationship status?A number of queries came on my take on further relationships.Why haven't I considered other ones? Well, the need to date the right one became more important than the need to date just anyone. Availability of single decent women has a part to play. And so is the sex ratio of our nation. So, here to all the 'educated-to-be-moms-and-dads' out there, raise a gender parity generation or your sons would have to suffer like me. :PWill going into another relationship remind me of my past? I don't think so. 3 yrs is a long time and the defending champions Spain are out of this 2014 world cup. Things change. How do I perceive other women? Women are the root of the society. No hard feelings. As respectful as ever.Stuck in a phase?Some of the folks have expressed that they are stuck in one of the phases described and it is really hard for them to come out of it. Folks, this is one of the singular most battle of your life. And you need to win it all by yourself. It's all yours. Divide your sufferings amongst close people. I understand many would shy away from sharing their breakup news within their circle. And it makes sense. Because that would lead to further more discussions and the least we need at that moment is discussions over the break up. If you really feel you are out of all other options, you can reach out to me anytime. I don't claim to be an expert. There are professionals who had done extensive psychological studies over breakups. And I am no where near them. I might only be able to lend out additional empathy and just a random grief sharing scope. And maybe a subtle direction. But at times, that's the only thing we need. I know, you know, we all know.You can inbox me anytime with anything. However, notifications are generally switched off on my mobile and it might take some time to respond back to you. I have seen friend requests come and pulled back on fb. Please do bear with me.EpilogueThis edit is not meant to highlight my achievements or to advertise my life. Never. The primary intent of writing the original post was to provide a ground for empathy to all the fellow people in need. I thought my sufferings and subsequent recovery could provide greater help to people to come out of the difficulty as soon as possible. I am not sure if I had been successful on this. But I will keep trying.Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Betrayal is brutal. It kills us when the news is broken. But then, a new individual is born out of the killing. Like fire tests gold and purifies it. But we are never the same old individual again. It's impossible to be the same old individual. Because, we come out to be better, harsher, shrewder, indifferent person. We tend to become brutal in all spheres. Not brutal as in behavior, but brutal as in how we perceive the world thereafter. The break up is hard hit on our back. And the treatment is to rebuild ourselves as unbeatable.As for the void we feel, an old imprint of a person on our heart will take time to fade off. There is no eraser available for that. It's a battle we have to fight with ourselves, between our heart and our mind.Nothing feels relevant at the moment. The job, the education, the world, everything feels useless, as if we were preparing and tackling the world only because of the existence of the other person. Only because we want to be with the other person and need preparations for survival. And now since the other person has gone, there is no use to be that concerned. Self managing could be easily done with humble needs.The moving on takes it's intended time depending on an individual. However, there are mechanisms which can pace up the process of moving on. The out of sight, out of mind is really important. We have to cut up our ex through social media and mail chats. In my case, after the break up, I kept reading our old chat conversations, mail exchanges and picture views. And a part of me use to die daily. Until one day, when I could take it no more, I deleted all mails, all chats, all pictures and blocked her on social media circles. And then I regretted for not doing the move earlier. We all have mutual friends. We have to make them understand to not give info on ex's whereabouts to us. The less we know about the person, the faster we would move on.That is just one step. Next is, we need involvements. Take up a new hobby, a new sport we always wanted to play. Maybe a marital art, or swimming or learning to drive, or taking up a musical instrument. There is never an age to learn a new thing. Start a thing today we always wanted to do yesterday.Another way is to blow up a part of our savings. 10-15k on something extreme acts. Go visit Ladakh/NE, or go for scuba,or a foreign trip,or anything which would suck up a considerable fund. Why? Because do hell with future worries. Most of us are young and have our whole life to earn money. Probably, we would end up getting fat checks in distant future. But our present needs us more. It needs attention, not our future. Blowing up double digit sums of money on something we always wanted to do will not only take our attention from the void, it will always infuse a new adrenaline into our body. Spending always works.Make time for society. Give them back what we received. Visit orphanage or old homes or join a teaching trust. Believe me, most of us think financial help is the only way they can be helped. And since we don't have much at the moment, we can't help them. Incorrect. Volunteering plays a big role too. Giving part of our time to them cheers up their day in ways we can never imagine. In turn, it will cheer up our soul too. Be a part of blood donation camps. Most of us are too lazy to do it, although we are perfectly fit. And hundreds of people lose their life because of shortage of blood, which arose from our laziness. I have been part of blood donations for some time. And it boosts up my self worth amazingly.Make time for family. Go visit your home. Most of us leave our home since graduation. And family time is never the same after that. If you are in college, bunk the week. If you are working, take the week off. Make your parents happy before you regret you never had the time.Read novels. They keep our mind occupied and prevent it from flashing back old memories. Book recommendation threads are abundant in Quora. Avoid watching romantic movies and listening to romantic songs for some time. And of course, don't take up romantic novels. :PThese are just a handful of things I felt I should have done earlier to make a faster move on. You folks could customize and tailor make it to your desires/lifestyle.The phase is like a disease, like a viral fever, you know you would get better, but you don't know when.Have patience, stay strong and look towards yourself. Wishing all the folks a speedy recovery.Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!

PLEASE BE SURE TO GET A GLIMPSE OF MY CLASSROOM!PHOTOS APPEAR AFTER THE TEXT!I say this with the kindest of hearts:You don’t have a clue.Do you believe that teachers are fairly compensated for their jobs (much less held in esteem - I mention this because the two are inherently connected)?Please, let me enlighten you.Please. No. I mean,REALLY, REALLY LISTEN.I’ve often read similar things written by teachers or teacher-advocates (similar in scope to what I’m going to try to convey). Often, those writings are angry, and, unfortunately, that anger is the impetus for reader alienation. These writers desperately attempt to communicate the realities of an almost impossible situation. The authors are furious and exasperated that they have to defend and explain themselves after working like a banshee to teach our children.Well, actually, they don’t mind explaining and informing. What they do mind are the subsequent dismissals of the realities they sought to portray and the insinuations or outright accusations that their portrayal is not genuine or is exaggerated.Teachers realize that they are not (nor are their students) considered properly, effectively, or rightfully during the budget-building processes of every single oversight agency or board that ultimately determines such things. They smell the defeat before they even open their mouths.Yet, great people continue to teach! They watch children floundering in society and the resultant educational system produced by that society. They understand the importance and necessity of smart, capable children to our futures. They make do, sacrifice, argue, plead, and beg - all for the sake of our children. It is a thankless cause that feels like the right thing to do.But, unbelievably, teachers stand by in horror as they perceive that the educational system, whose constraints they work within, is deteriorating wordlessly. They are witnesses to the dangers and sound the call, but are met with speculation and derisiveness. They sense the silent infiltration of their ranks by scavengers bent on feeding from the dying beast - sexual predators, power mongers, egomaniacs, work-haters who hide in a system desperate for their warm bodies, unhappy child-haters who long to abuse children’s minds - even if only by denying them the education of the subject matter that they were hired to teach - much less the berating and killing of children’s spirits and souls.If you do not know these things, it is because you choose not to know. It is because you stupidly trust the system to mimic the previous system you remember and expect it to prevail, despite a million and one newer, heavier pressures that are breaking its back. It is because you cherish your money more than you cherish your children and the people who teach your children. And it is because you will never sit up to pay attention until your child suffers in some horrible fashion. Even then, you will mock and blame teachers for your own sins.If these words mean nothing to you, then schools are truly dead. But let me at least leave you with a truthful litany of my personal financial experiences, and otherwise, in the teaching of the most glorious kids I’ve had the pleasure knowing - just so you can’t say that you didn’t know.TRUTHS ABOUT TEACHER SALARIESIt took me YEARS to reach the $40,000 mark in salary. I retired when I was making JUST over that amount. There was one incredibly ridiculous year when we even had to give back some of our salary to the state! No, I’m not kidding.I had approximately $600 deducted from my paycheck each month for a 70/30 health insurance plan that left me with potentially thousands of dollars to pay in deductibles and co-insurance.Another amount of approximately $200 was deducted each month for vision and dental insurance. Again, that left hundreds to pay in deductibles and co-insurance, with many services not covered.I paid a few hundred dollars each year to maintain memberships in vital professional organizations, only partly because they offered liability insurance.I worked for FIVE CONSECUTIVE YEARS with NO RAISE.I spent hundreds of hours over the years providing free tutoring, sometimes even on Saturdays. There were times when I was compensated, but the vast majority was unpaid.I regularly performed non-teaching duties for free just to help keep the school running and safe (Sports Duty, Bathroom Duty, Bus Duty, Hall Duty, Morning Duty, Lunch Duty, Test Proctoring, etc.) These duties took valuable time away from my day - even part of my planning period - every single day! They often also required many hours of my personal time before or after school.TRUTHS ABOUT OUT-OF-POCKET EXPENSESAll of the following were paid for out of my own pocket.I purchased my own technology for my classroom because there wasn’t enough to go around (projectors, laptop, ink and toner, printers, iPad, etc.)I purchased my own whiteboard because the chalkboards were cracked and peeling. The only option offered by the school system was to tack white shower boards from the hardware store over the chalkboard.I purchased my own monochrome laser printers dedicated specifically to making student copies because teachers are allocated only a small amount of copies per semester (no where near what is needed for teaching students). That meant that I also purchased my own toner cartridges and paper.I spent hundreds of dollars on class sets of novels, sometimes only to be informed at the end of the year that I would be teaching a different grade level for the next year. That meant that I had to do it all over again.I spent hundreds of dollars myself purchasing both new and used novels to help build a library in my classroom for students. They complained that the school library did not have the titles that they were interested in.If any student ever requested a specific title that wasn’t in our library or on our class shelves, I immediately went out to purchase that book. I mean, if a child asks to read, well, that’s a no-brainer.I spent tons of money for art supplies so that I could provide creative projects and assignments.Each year, I purchased hundreds of dollars in school supplies for students.Sometimes, I paid for certain students to take field trips because they were unable to pay for themselvesEvery time our class had a pizza party to celebrate achievement, I paid for some students so that they could join in the celebration.I twice purchased shoes for students because theirs were barely staying on their feet.I purchased laundry soap, dryer sheets, shampoo, and soap after joining forces with colleagues and staff so that certain students could shower and wash clothes on school property. Their homes had no electricity. We saw that they were getting bullied for their appearance and body odor.I often paid for students to attend prom, sports banquets, and military balls because they were unable to purchase tickets themselves.I paid for certain students’ cap and gown because they were unable to purchase one themselves. So did my principal. I’m sure that many other teachers and staff did, also. It’s something that you don’t advertise, for obvious reasons.I purchased or rented locks for student lockers if certain students were unable to do so themselves.Before book bags were handed out for free, I purchased book bags for certain students who were unable to purchase one themselves.I sometimes paid for students to eat breakfast and lunch because they didn’t receive free lunch. Usually, they didn’t get free lunch because their parents couldn’t be bothered to fill out the required paperwork, or else they needed assistance filling it out and either didn’t ask for or receive help. During my last year, I taught a teenaged girl who never went to lunch. She begged me to stay in the classroom during lunch period, and I let her even though it was frowned upon. Each night, I would make my lunch - enough for two people. I would pretend that my husband always made me more than I could eat and begged her to keep me from throwing it away by eating it. Soon, we had a routine without the false pretenses. She would walk up to collect her lunch, and I would hand it to her as we discussed poetry, the weather, a new novel, etc. Never once did she forget to sneak in a soft Thank you.I often used my gas and time to pick up or take students home because they faced a 1–2 hour walk in the scorching heat or in a thunderstorm or in the snow.Once in a while, I paid for certain students to receive their class photos or yearbook.I often paid for certain students to purchase tickets to school plays and other similar events.I paid for certain students’ college applications, once, when I was struggling to pay for my own child’s.I purchased cards (or else purchased art supplies) for students so that they could give their mothers and other important women in their lives a Mother’s Day card.Each year, I bought a variety of small Christmas gifts, wrapping paper, etc., so that certain students would be able to give their parents and/or brothers and sisters Christmas gifts.I used to listen carefully and purchase Christmas trees for students to carry home to their families. Eventually, I talked to the local Walmart manager. He agreed to donate live Christmas trees to help. However, I argued that they would be in the same boat next year, and I convinced him to donate boxed trees instead! Not once did a single student express dismay at having to carry home an unwieldy Christmas tree box on the bus. In fact, from my experience, they couldn’t stop smiling.I’m sure that there are moments I’ve forgotten.A TINY BIT OF TRUTH ABOUT TEACHER WORKING CONDITIONS AND THE STRUGGLE THAT IS TEACHINGI suffered through years of giving my students textbooks that were missing their covers, missing pages, unreadable due to graffiti, or were so outdated that I had to provide supplemental materials at my own expense.Valuable classroom space was used to house these nasty textbooks because there wasn’t enough for every student to take one home. This fact meant that I could not assign outside class readings, etc. This handicap seriously hindered my ability to be effective and to move along at a reasonable pace.Almost always, there were not enough class sets of novels per grade level. This meant that teachers teaching the same class had to (by necessity) rotate the novels from one class to another. This prevented co-teaching, common curriculum, student book clubs, extra-class discussions, etc. Imagine your students being second in line to receive the books. You soon find that their friend from the first class divulged the book contents, the answers to the test, etc. Chaos.Almost every year, I personally had to hunt down desks for my students. There were times when students had to temporarily sit on the floor. Perfect conditions for discussing the class syllabus, right?It was rare that I was able to have my room to myself during my planning period. Usually, a roaming teacher taught in my classroom during my planning period. A roaming teacher is one who does not have a room assignment due to overcrowding, so they use a cart to carry their teaching accoutrements as they move throughout the day from one free room to another. Even our hallways were One Way because there were too many students. As for me, I couldn’t get any meaningful work completed for the interruption. Some teachers chose to pack up and work in the library during their planning period in a desperate attempt to be productive, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Every time I would return, something would be broken, missing, or destroyed. Then, there’s this (true story): Once, there was a beautiful human being named Ellen. Ellen was a well-liked teacher. Sadly, she developed cancer, and the prognosis was grim. Ellen was the single mother of a teenaged daughter and had no family. Her daughter was going to be left all alone. Ellen’s heart was full of worry. She had to work in order to keep her insurance. Otherwise, she would not be able to afford her treatments. Imagine my fury when I found out that Ellen had been assigned, during the last year of her life, to be a Roaming Teacher. This meant that her frail, sick body had to push a cart from room-to-room each day all over the school as she fought the student population in the halls. As I discussed this with her, I told her that I was going to fight for her to get a room. At the very least, she could have mine, and I could roam the halls for a while. Ellen begged me not to because she didn’t want to see me at odds with anyone on her behalf. I will always regret that I listened to her. I couldn’t stomach watching her struggle that year with the physical challenges that haunted her because she was a roaming teacher. I cried about this on many occasions, and once thought I would become sick after seeing her wobble past me, pale and breath labored. THIS IS ONLY ONE INSTANCE OF THE NEVERENDING DIFFICULTIES THAT YOUR SCHOOLS FACE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT PROPERLY FUNDED!THE TRUTH ABOUT THOSE FREE TEACHER SUMMERSI regularly worked each and every summer doing some form of the following:I attended professional development courses to gain expertise and to meet state qualifications for licensure renewal (which often required payment of a fee for the classes as well as payment to renew my license.)I thoughtfully planned the curriculum for the upcoming school year, replacing weak areas and implementing new ideas, ensuring that the plan carefully and smartly followed state standards. Usually, this also entailed physical meetings with colleagues.I read the latest books about methodology, subject matter, the learning process, etc.I spent hours and hours on the Internet, researching and collecting ideas.I spent numerous hours analyzing my students’ data, searching for insight and patterns.I read young adult novels to stay relevant and to be able to make inspiring recommendations.I sometimes partnered with colleagues to attend conferences. Many times, I was a co-presenter with my colleague.I studied the goals and objectives for my subject area and grade level.Then there are many other aspects I’ve not thought to mention.My personal account is not a rarity. And these lists are intensely personal, containing information that never was meant to be discussed. Please do not think me exceptional. I am no more than my dedicated colleagues who do the same, if not more.And please know that I do not wish to argue with anyone. Frankly, the realities speak more loudly than I ever could! If the teachers in your district are not facing these specific problems, let me assure you that their problems are just as voluminous and serious, even if somewhat different.I ask you to take a stand in support: Do this verbally, financially, and institutionally. If you fight for your teachers, they will use that momentum to take back the schools for our students. Fight for your teachers and your children. Only with your unflailing support will the public school system be able to prevail against the vultures and live up to the glorious expectations that you so naively demand.You can see part of our classroom library in this view. Seats remain this way to encourage discussion and participation. I use unconventional grading techniques, such as Reading Conferences, Writing Conferences, and a Reading Log that is designed to prevent “pretending to read.” When I do need to use a traditional exam, the students simply separate their desks temporarily. After one time, they have the hang of it so that the transition is simple and quick.The black and white mini-posters on the wall each display a copy of a popular young adult book cover for a book that is either in our classroom library or in the school library. After reading a book that has its cover on the wall, students must stop at the corresponding poster to hand write a 4-sentence book review for their peers (they follow a rubric for the assignment). Students read the reviews to determine which books they wish to add to their reading list.P.S. Over the years, I’ve learned “tricks” to finding materials. For instance, I asked a textbook publisher to provide me with 35 copies of their preview textbook (not yet published) for my kids’ grade level in exchange for my honest and detailed review. In addition, I provided FREE editing. It was a great deal of work, but it was worth it!