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Once my students have published the papers that are going to form the core of their dissertation (meaning papers written during their doctoral candidacy, not beforehand), it usually takes 6–9 months to write up the dissertation.They have to write an independent abstract, introductory chapter or chapters, possibly a methods chapter, and a concluding chapter. And they also have to turn each paper into a thesis chapter, which can take a bit of work. Sometimes, they may turn a side project into an extra chapter or appendix. All the formatting and references must be unified and made consistent with university requirements.They also need to allow time for turning in drafts to their advisor and getting feedback along the way. Finally, the whole committee gives feedback at the defense, leading to the need for further modifications afterwards. If feedback has been steadily incorporated along the way, the post-defense editing may be fairly minor.

I thought I was prepared. I thought it would be a victory lap. I thought I would feel happy, and relieved… That’s not what happened. Even though they still said “Congratulations Dr. Lapierre-Landry!”May 10thI finally got the OK from my advisor to start scheduling my defense. I had six faculty members on my committee, and I had been told over and over again how “The hardest part of defending is scheduling the actual defense!”At the time, I was ready to say “those people were right!” I was trying to schedule something for the summer, and most of my committee members were going to be travelling or attending conferences for most of it. I remember just staring at this Doodle calendar as every week of every month was slowly getting filled in. I was losing hope I would be able to graduate in the summer semester, and there was nothing I could do about it.May 25thAfter two weeks of agony (or so it felt like it), there finally was one single day, July 5th, where it looked like everyone on my committee would be able to make it. I officially confirmed it via email. I booked one of the really nice auditorium. I booked my flight ticket and a hotel room (I had been living out-of-state for years at that point).I remember thinking “Alright, the hard part is over!”June 21stWriting my thesis felt like birthing a child after a really successful and healthy pregnancy. And by that I mean: “Why is it so painful and so uncomfortable to push out this amazing thing that I’ve created, that I love, and that will be beautiful once it’s out?”This was a thesis-by-published-work, meaning the central part was made out of papers I had already written and published, and I “just” had to write a long intro chapter + conclusion to wrap it all up. And gosh! Was… it… painful…!Just staring at the page thinking: “I don’t have anything nice to say about you anymore, ok? I’ve said it all already!”But I did it. I wrote the thing. It was good. I sent it out to my committee members.June 30thI had two weeks to work on the actual powerpoint presentation for my defense. Expected format: ~40 minutes. Expected audience: Department faculty members, fellow grad students, friends and family, committee members.Now here’s a thing I know about myself: I can make a kick-ass presentation. I can put together really polished slides. I can create really good looking figures. And I can get on that stage, smile, look confident, and go through the whole thing like I own the place. I can even crack some jokes sometimes!So I actually enjoyed the process. I had a bank of previously used slides I had made over the years, and that gave me time to create some new, even better ones for certain sections.I practiced the talk in front of my lab a few times and got really good comments.I thought: “I got this!”July 4thIt was the day before my defense. I flew into the city where my university is. I recognized my old neighborhood, the restaurants I used to go to. I met up with friends, and said “hi” to the new people in the department. My parents arrived later in the evening, and it was great to see them.I thought “I’m ready.” I looked at my slides one last time. I really did know my stuff.Even though it was July 4th in the U.S. I went to bed really early. The big day was coming up!July 5th - The day of the defenseI really didn’t sleep well. Nonsensical dreams about arriving late to my defense and whatnot. I was just happy it was the morning and I could get out of bed.After breakfast I went to check out the auditorium, and tested the projector, the microphone, my computer. I was fairly calm. Everything was going according to plan.In the afternoon, I went to get changed. It was a new outfit and I thought it made me look really smart.My friends came in. They had brought cookies and snacks for the audience, which was great. Tons of students from the department came and I was just really happy I wouldn’t be presenting in front of an empty room.At 1pm, it started.I’m a good presenter, and I had a really good set of slides to present. This was a big room and a big audience, and I was just really excited to present my work. It all went well.After 40 minutes of presentation, I got a few easy questions from the audience. I thanked everyone, and then the audience stepped out. It was time to answer questions from my committee.This part is a blur.I remember answering questions really calmly, with a smile. I remember saying things like “this is a really interesting question!” or “Yes, we actually tried that, it’s great that you’re bringing it up!”But the whole thing felt like people attacking the beautiful baby I had just given birth to. I know that’s not what my committee members were doing. I know they were just asking questions like any other committee would do. I know they were not trying to be mean.But it felt like I had to graciously tell people to stop kicking my baby and to just let me rest after this long and difficult birthing process.I didn’t like that part very much.After what turned out to be an hour and a half of questions, my committee asked me to step out. I just felt so drained, so fragile, so stressed, so overwhelmed, so shaky…I stepped out and my parents and my friends were there, just waiting for me. I said “it went well” and it was time to wait.Five minutes later, one of my committee member came out and said “do you have Form XYZ for us to fill out?”And I don’t know why, but that’s what made me crack.See, I had printed a bunch of forms for them to fill out, but apparently nobody had told me I needed ONE MORE form, and now we didn’t have the form, it wasn’t there, they couldn’t fill it, and that was that.And even though it wasn’t a big deal, for me it was. As if after all this work, all this preparation, all of what I had given… there was… this missing form… because nobody had thought to tell me about it.I just couldn’t handle it. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. It became really hard not to start crying.In the end it was fine. They just said I could get the form filled out later. They all came out. They said “Congratulations Dr. Lapierre-Landry!” and gave me a copy of my dissertation with comments written in it.Everybody cheered.My lab mates had decorated a conference room, and there was champagne and cookies.I was just shaking, and trying not to cry.I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel happy. All I could think was “Don’t cry, it’s going to make people uncomfortable.”All the stress I had been bottling up was coming out in a series of unforgiving waves. Apparently I had been stressed all this time. I didn’t even know.I kinda kept a straight face for the rest of the evening. I even (maybe, a little bit) had a good time as I went out to celebrate. I was just trying not to think.I didn’t sleep well at all. I hadn’t read any of the comments my committee had given me yet, and all night I dreamt that they were asking me to re-do half my experiments and that I would never actually graduate. It was just really difficult to find some sleep.July 6thI woke up, and the first thing I did is read the comments my committee left me. The vast majority of them were formatting comments. Things like “there should be a space here,” or “Add a page break here.” A small minority of comments were some helpful writing suggestions, like “this paragraph could be clearer,” or “a citation would be helpful here.”I felt somewhat relieved. Still felt weird, overwhelmed, shaky. But it was ok. I was going to be alright.July 30thIt took me three weeks before I was even able to start working on my thesis again. Three weeks of staying home, taking time off, watching TV, spending time on Quora, and just overall taking a well-deserved rest.Addressing the (very minor, but still) comments I had received was like pulling teeth. It was like asking me, three weeks after having birthed my metaphoric baby if I would like to watch the birthing video. And I didn’t want to.But I did go back to make the changes. And it was ok. And it made the whole text better anyway.I eventually submitted all the paperwork. And a month later I got my degree.Doctor of Philosophy.It took me approximately six months to start feeling happy and proud of my accomplishment. Now a year later, I feel good about it. I think I’m pretty awesome for what I’ve accomplished.Still, not the happiest of experiences.

Since it is the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther's posting of “The 95 Thesis" I'm going to paraphrase one of his sayings:You may have the Right to food, but don't wait for a roast chicken to fly into your mouth.The right to something does not presuppose the ability to achieve it, just that such ability cannot be ethically hindered.I “have the right to breathe”… so long as I am in a Nitrogen/Oxygen atmosphere. So long as I am in that atmosphere, you cannot ethically smother me.The fact that guns exist, and that they have a cost/value delimits the “ability to acquire” them.Thus, in places where “guns are banned” (except from the wealthy and/or Politialcally Connected) only the Elites will have access to guns or armed defense/security.In the US, where the possession of firearms is not yet “banned”, the poorest prole/”minority” can buy/possess some form of firearm - for less than the cost of 1yr basic cellphone service.The difference between “America” and the States of the EU, is that slightly more than half of us can do math and understand to “provide for” means that we must also “take from”.The cost has to be recovered somewhere, and passing money through a .gov is the least efficient way to recover it.TANSTAAFL.