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Is size a significant factor in domestic abuse?Of course it is. However, it is not an essential element of domestic abuse. I’ve read the stories of men who say they are a big man, over six feet tall and over 200 pounds, but his tiny little wife destroyed him. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. The psychological advantage is also significant.I’ve been beaten with a broomstick, hit with meat tenderizing hammers, punched in the face, chased with a blowtorch, had all my clothes put in the fireplace, taped, and many other physical abuse situations. It’s scary to be physically attacked and overpowered.It might be my tendency to be physically confident, but the psychological abuse, the badgering, coercion, shaming, subtle threats, lies, crazy-making, humiliation, social smearing, emotional terrorism, and betrayal leave wounds that don’t heal as quickly.That is why men can be just as destroyed by abuse even if their partner is tiny. The insidious nature of abuse is not reserved for the smaller or weaker partner. At the end of my marriage, I used to say, I would have rather taken a beating than endure what he did to me. I stand by that. If I could trade my emotional and psychological abuse wounds for physical wounds, I’d do it in a heartbeat.I do not mean to diminish physical abuse. As I said, I know it’s scary and traumatic. When an abuser has the benefit of size and strength while covertly abusing someone, it adds a threat that cannot be denied.My almost-ex husband was my self-defense teacher. He is not only high-ranked in Shao Lin Kung Fu, But also gifted in the peer group that he trained with. He’s the one others come to to remember that one form, or what the application is to a certain movement. He’s really good.He never hit me, and the minor things he did like grabbing my arm or blocking the doorway so I was trapped seem insignificant compared to the mental abuse. Even when he snapped towards the end when he realized I was done, and he sexually assaulted me in our bed, saying he wouldn’t have a wife he couldn’t fuck, my first thought was:“If he does this, I’ll never be able to look at him the same.”I knew I’d survive that. Although I had plenty of reasons to believe he’d kill me if he could get away with it. I knew he wouldn’t do it like that. He is too cunning to resort to such brutality. He’d be more likely to poison me like he did my cats. So, I was scared, but only for my heart and mind, knowing they’d be permanently changed if he did this thing.I also knew if I fought it would get worse. I have seen him get those dark eyes when he fights and gets hit. He likes it because it gives him license to slaughter the other person. I went limp. It worked that time, but stopped working after that because he adapted to my defense.Did it matter that he is nearly a hundred pounds heavier, and a trained fighter? Hell yes! If I had been equipped to beat him, I would have. Size and strength are like ammunition in an abuser’s arsenal. Not necessary to abuse, but a pretty good advantage nevertheless.But, and I realize there are a lot of “buts” in this dynamic, sexual abuse comes in many forms, and there is no reason for me to think that a man who is bigger could not be equally traumatized by sex with an abusive woman half his size. It’s the violation of intimacy and decency that destroys a person. It breaks your heart to be used and devalued by a mate.I could list many ways that sex can be used to abuse. I will give a personal example that I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone.I noticed a pattern of behavior that had been a constant in our marriage. My husband would come to me in the bedroom, acting amorous and playfully seductive. He would get me into it to the point that I’m completely naked, and then provoke me, or feign an offense at something I said or did that caused him to get up and leave me there in bed, nude and vulnerable.It happened many times and took me years to see. That can happen to anyone, lying there like a dumbass while the other person walks away, and for nothing. A person doesn’t have to be bigger or stronger. Yes, when they are bigger it adds something that increases fear. There are lots of ways to do that, and if you have a narc, their arsenal is limitless.When someone has no conscience and is not burdened by guilt and remorse, they can come up with ways to terrorize and abuse someone in ways that are incredible.