Covenant Marriage Forms: Fill & Download for Free

Authenticity and unselfishness are two separate factors that only can compete in certain situations. For now, I’m setting authenticity aside.What is selfishness? Selfishness is not mere “focus on self,” rather it characterizes actions that have negative consequences on others. So to be selfish, you have to be focused on yourself in a way that harms others.What are some ways you can harm others? The ways I see are by:betraying them,disappointing them, orneglecting themYou betray someone when you break an agreement you have with them. You disappoint someone when you fail to meet an expectation they have for you. And you neglect someone by failing to meet their needs.When is it morally acceptable to betray, disappoint, or neglect someone?It’s okay to disappoint someone if you don’t agree with the expectations they have for you: if those expectations were not communicated and especially if you feel they’re unreasonable. It’s okay to neglect someone who doesn’t truly depend on your care. We feel quite differently, for example, about an adult who fails to feed a child in his or her care vs. an adult who fails to feed a non-dependent adult.But betrayal is a bit tougher to excuse and to navigate, because the agreements were explicit. Here is where reasonable people will disagree about when it is excusable to break previously made explicit agreements. I think it depends on the nature of the institution in which the agreements were made, and as a contrasting example, I’m going to describe two groups of monogamous marriage proponents: the Covenant Marriage-ers and the Monogamy Magic-ers.Covenant Marriage types see marriage as a binding, never-to-be-revisited agreement that you make at one time in your life. (You do not have to be religious to be in this group, btw. Most people who are motivated by duty fall in this group.) You make the agreement, and everything else that happens subsequently molds to the agreement (the Covenant). Did your spouse stop having sex with you? That’s terrible! Work on the problem with him or her, but if you can’t resolve it, then find a way to accept it. Did you find out that you don’t respect your spouse as a person? That’s really sad, but you know, you promised. You’ll have to find a way to see the good in him or her, so that you can fulfill your promise with the least amount of suffering.There’s a lot to be said for the Covenant Marriage mindset. It is loyal, persistent, non-self-pitying, and most of all, it is stable. Given two well-intended people who try their best, it can be a good system in which to raise children. No, perhaps neither adult will truly be happy, but everyone knows their job and what to expect. Life carries on.The Monogamy Magic types believe in monogamous marriage as a means to achieve personal happiness. They take attachment to their partner very seriously (which is not true for Covenant Marriage types; their attachment is to the marriage, not to the person they married), and they show their commitment to the relationship by continually renewing their attachment to their partner. These are the people that talk about the importance of investing in their relationships and not letting love die, because if it does die, exiting the relationship is an option for them in a way that it isn’t for a Covenant Marriage member. The benefits of Monogamy Magic is that there is room for pursuing personal happiness even at the expense of the marriage; the happiness of the two individuals matters more than does maintaining the marriage. The disadvantage is that a model that requires you to continually opt in will be less stable than a model that requires a single opt in.Let’s reintroduce authenticity as the deepest and most honest expression of the individual. People like to be authentic because it is vital to accepting themselves, and because suppressing ones authentic self over time is difficult and damaging. (As anyone who has hidden their sexual orientation or gender identity can attest.) Put simply, individual expression will never be allowed to supersede the importance of the institution in situations like a Covenant Marriage (or the military, or child-raising), though there may be room for it within the boundaries of the institution. Conversely it is of paramount importance in institutions that prioritize the well-being of the individuals involved, like with Monogamy Magic. And that’s how you get a situation where people can talk about the importance of communication and negotiation in marriage, but mean two entirely different things depending on which form of marriage they’re thinking of.So when is betrayal morally acceptable? I think that breaking agreements with no warning is never morally acceptable (unless done defensively). Whether breaking the agreement after a failed renegotiation attempt is morally acceptable will depend on the institution in which the agreement was made. Are you trying to renegotiate responsibility for parenting your child? In very few, specific cases that will be the ethical thing to do. The vast majority of the time, however, you do not get to opt out of parenthood once you have opted in. Are you trying to renegotiate your employment terms? Most businesses today don’t expect employees to remain with them their whole lives, so unless you swore an oath of fealty to your employer, that renegotiation is perfectly fine. Are you trying to renegotiate fundamental terms of your marriage? The morality of that negotiation — assuming that you would be willing to exit the marriage if negotiations fail — depends on how you view your marriage. Is it a promise that you would forever hate yourself for not keeping, or is it a vehicle of companionship and partnership for you?Summary: Motives like authentic personal expression trump previously made promises in situations where people are expected to opt in multiple times. In situations where people are expected to opt in only once — such as, Covenant Marriage, bearing a child, or joining the military for a given term of service — such motives don’t matter much at all. They can influence how well you perform the tasks you’ve committed to, but for the most part, you are expected to complete your tasks even if completing them carries a personal cost. So how you characterize the institution that now feels incompatible with your truest self matters a whole lot, and will direct you either towards renegotiation of the terms of your involvement, or acceptance of what you believe are your duties.Edited to add 07/19/18Richard Watson’s answer Richard Watson's answer to Should I divorce my wife if she is infertile and I refuse the concept of adoption, surrogacy and other artificial methods but I want my biological children and many women are ready to marry me? I don’t want moral lectures. is such a good example of a Covenant Marriage perspective! It emphasizes duty. A Monogamy Magic person would answer, “Do you love your wife? Because if not, she’s better off without you,” which emphasizes attachment. Two different types of devotion. :)

They do, actually. It's called "Covenant Marriage", because they've been informed of "God's intent for marriage" that we heathens haven't been notified about (except, of course, through their auspicious efforts);http://www.covenantmarriage.com/Covenant marriage makes divorce a lot harder than the current rules. It's not actually forbidden; there are still outs. But it's not something you get undo with a quick trip to Nevada.Covenant marriage isn't required anywhere, but it is an option in Louisiana, Arkansas, and Arizona; efforts exist to expand it. The goal, presumably, is to shift the "Overton window": were it to become widespread, efforts would surely shift to making it the only form of marriage available in that state.That's a different strategy from simply banning gay marriage, which doesn't exist in most states. The two aren't parallel and require different legal tactics. But like gay marriage advocates, covenant marriage advocates are well aware that it is the straights, not the gays, who have been making a mockery of marriage. They just intend to continue it by making a mockery of reality.

Will a Judge order the couple to go to Marriage Counseling before granting a divorce if one of the spouses makes the request?In the United States, a judge can order marriage counseling only if the couple made a covenant marriage, which is a form of marriage couples can choose in some states to make it more difficult for them to get a divorce. One of the statutory requirements is that spouses in a covenant marriage seek marriage counseling before filing for divorce. But apart from that, courts might urge spouses to try marriage counseling before proceeding with a divorce but will almost never order it. The general philosophy is to allow adults to make their own choices about marriage and divorce.