I Promised Myself That I Would Lay: Fill & Download for Free

THE LONELIEST YEAR ON THE PLANET:One early evening, some months after my husband’s death (in December 2013), I decided on a whim to go to a movie, just like we had done countless times over the forty-one years of our marriage.We always laughed at the time we were first admitted at senior citizens rates. We thought we’d have to show ID, but the cashier barely looked at us, being four decades younger, and the middle-aged couple at the window looking just like her parents.I felt brave this time, entering not only as a senior, but as a single instead of one of a pair. I laid down my cash, and out came a phrase unfamiliar to me. “One ticket, please.”One. Ticket. Please.I pulled open the theater door and entered the darkness. I claimed my seat in an empty row and stayed put through the whole movie. When I walked out, I experienced a slight sense of—was it victory?I didn’t feel elation, or even that I would make a habit of it. But I knew that I did something important to build the new life that lay ahead of me. I promised myself that I would flex my lonely wings again, sometime soon.When I exited into the lobby, I ran into two couples I recognized from my temple who were waiting for the next show. They asked me “what did you see . . . what did you think of it . . . it’s good to see you out” . . . . blah, blah, blah.I stood there frozen, hurled back into the shell-shocked state I had struggled over the last months to overcome. I felt exposed, as a woman alone, on a date with—myself.As they spewed forth social pleasantries, I thought to myself, but did not say, “I’m alone, my husband died just before winter, and winter wears on. Did you give a thought to me? Let’s call the widow to join us, she might be having a hard time.” I felt shut out of the closed circle of couples that had been my way of life. Would I have done the same, so casually, so dismissively?Of course I didn’t say any of those things to these nice people as I felt my temporary flutter of victory sputter and die. I drove home, my feelings raw, my anger and my grief raging, just like in the earliest days of being totally and utterly alone, right back to the fresh vision of death, the starting point.So this is what’s in store for me—but for how long? These early days must last longer than I’d been led to believe. Victories come, then they go, and don’t last like you think they should. How was I to know?The year like no other.[Thank you Cathy Hooper for the A2A]

,,Hey, just for your info, I’m on my period.”Says one of my friends, when she arrives at my house for a sleepover. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against periods, it’s a natural thing, but when someone mentions the word period, I’m rolling my eyes SO hard.Why?Well, as you would expect, as a teen girl, I should have my period, right? Because I’m growing up and it just has to be there.My answer is: No.Wait, what?Let me tell you one story, so you can better understand, why I still don’t have a period.One night, I realized that I couldn’t sleep. So I got up from my bed and I went downstairs, right to the kitchen. I drank some orange juice, and I was like: ,,I wanna look at myself in the mirror.” So I went to the hall, (because there’s a huge mirror there) and just for fun, I decided to lift my shirt up, but not that much, so I don’t show my private parts, just to see my belly. I lift it up, and what do I see?Bones. I could literally see my bones showing up from my skin.I FREAKED out, I was completely terrified, because I didn’t know THIS was happening. I knew that my grandma and my mom were saying that I didn’t eat that much, but I didn’t care. Now that I was looking at myself and seeing myself in THIS way, I was shocked.I cannot just tell my mom on the next day: ,,Hey mom! Lovely day, isn’t it? Well, I just realized that I am SUFFERING FROM ANOREXIA!!”I was frozen. I was standing there, still holding up my pajamas shirt, and then I told myself: ,,Go to sleep. Somehow someone will realize what has happened to you, and they will help you, just don’t tell anyone. Just go…”I turned the lights off, that were in the kitchen and I went upstairs, laying to bed with a mix of emotions.A few months later, we had a health class. This was something we didn’t have everyday in school. It was something special for teens, who were interested in puberty, and something dumb and useless for teens, who didn’t gave a single damn about puberty. Including me.Now, everyone from sixth and fifth grade (I was a fifth grader at that time) had to go to a classroom, where was a lady in her 30’s or 40’s, basically a teacher, who teaches about this teenage stuff. Boys were sent to a different classroom. So all of the girls sat down, and the teacher was nice and really funny. She explained what is a period, when you should get it, and so on. She was also talking about pubes, about breasts, basically all of that teenage girly stuff. Now I remember, that this didn’t help me whatsoever. I forgot everything that she said in about two days.Now, after health class, EVERYONE started developing so fast. No one was a little kid that I still am. Everyone started becoming a real teen.But not me…Now, let me tell you about my two good friends, that I’ve been hanging out since first grade. Let’s call them Ashley and Victoria. Ashley:Was the first one to get her period in our class.She has a really huge chest, unlike mine (I don’t even have a chest, thanks to anorexia.)Ashley is growing up really fast, she really is a teenager, unlike this thin cereal box. (Basically me.)When she was on my sleepover, she had her period, and she was EXTREMELY moody.Now about my friend Victoria:At least you can see that she has a chest, unlike me.She has started developing, just like Ashley.Then, they told me that having a period is terrible and it’s annoying every time they get it. I already wanted to tell my mom about my anorexia, I was prepared what am I going to say. BUT after hearing this, I told myself that I want to be anorexic, just because I didn’t want to get a period.HUGE mistake.I still have no period, I haven’t started developing, I’m extremely skinny, I normally have headaches and bellyaches because I’m always hungry, but I still don’t eat anything.All of this because of anorexia. All of this, because I didn’t want to develop. Because I didn’t want to be a normal woman. I didn’t want to get a period.So I guess I’m still annoyed when someone mentions the word period. Because I’m still trying to recover from this terrible illness, and become a normal teen, all by myself. And I didn’t know I could end up like this. Gosh, I was so naive…_____________________Also I wanted to say, if any of you have anorexia, TELL someone. Don’t be afraid to speak about these things. It’s important for you.And to all of you who don’t have anorexia: remember to always eat at least two times a day. And not just bread, it has to be a real meal. You don’t wanna end up like me, do you?Edit!I cannot be more thankful for people reaching out to me and telling me all sorts of motivational things!! I’m grateful that now I can tell my mom about this situation (I didn’t have the courage to do it) but now you all were saying that I should do it.And I will, thanks to YOU.I’m really thankful for all of the responses and tips you all gave me, it was heartwarming to read!Also, I promised myself that I WILL eat better and more, just to become healthy again.Sending lots of hugs and love to all of you! ❤️

I had never really experienced a truly evil human being until I was incarcerated in a small upstate NY county jail back in 2013, at 26 years old. I recently just used this experience to answer the question, “What incident has traumatized you for good” but I feel that it answers this question as well, I hope that's okay.I had been in Steuben County Jail for about 4 weeks when the headaches began. It started with pain around my sinuses that spread to the top of my head, face, and neck. In jail you have to fill out request slips if you'd like to be seen by medical staff. So a day after my symptoms began I put in a slip to go to the medical unit and be seen by the Physician Assistant. I told her my symptoms and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and was prescribed antibiotics.A week went by and my pain was steadily getting worse. When it began it was very painful, but after 7 days it was excruciating! I couldn't eat or sleep. The other inmates/Correctional Officers would hear me crying in my cell at night when everything was quiet. I again put in a request slip to go to medical because I knew I was suffering from something other than a sinus infection, and was beginning to suspect it was something very serious.I went to the medical unit and told the PA that I was in a huge amount of pain. I told her that it was so bad that I hadn't been able to eat or sleep in days, and that the pain had spread to my entire head, including gums and face, and also to my neck and right shoulder. She felt my neck and back, then asked about my teeth. I told her I didn't have any teeth problems, but she concluded that I had an impacted tooth. I told her I disagreed, and asked to go to the hospital, but was she refused saying that hospitals were only for emergencies.A day goes by and I am in extreme agony. I couldn't move from my bunk in my cell. I cried constantly. If I moved my head even the slightest bit it felt as if my head would explode, or my eyes would pop out of their sockets. I began asking the CO'S and sergeants to send me to the hospital. I kept getting denied. I remember I was curled up in my bed sobbing when the CO doing her rounds stops at my door, opens it, and said, “would you knock it off!? Crying isn't going to help you!”On my 8th day into the pain I requested, and was sent, to Medical for the 3rd time. I told the PA that I was seriously ill, that the pain was torturing me, and that I desperately needed to go to a hospital. She felt my neck and right shoulder and said I was stiff as a board. She says, “It's not a tooth problem after all. The headaches are tension headaches. You need to learn to relax.” I told her that it wasn't just some headaches, that I was in the worst pain of my entire life. I begged to go to the hospital. She said, “that's not happening.”The next day I began having double vision. In about an hour it went from being double vision for about a minute, but then cleared up, to being constantly. A nurse was in the unit handing out medication. When it was my turn at the cart I told her that I now had constant double vision. I told her, “there's two of you.” She gave me a look like, yeah right, and told me to again put in a slip to go to medical.The other inmates began to get very worried about me. I'd often have girls stop by my door to check on me. I'd often hear them telling the staff that I needed to be hospitalised. That day when a fellow inmate stopped by my cell to check on me, she looked horrified and said, “oh my god… Your eyes… They've shifted.” I immediately went to my mirror to see that I had gone cross eyed!A sergeant was called to talk to me. I showed him my eyes, told him I couldn't handle this pain, and that I could no longer walk right. I was unbalanced, and walked in little shuffled steps. I remember telling him that I was dying, I knew if I wasn't treated soon I would die. I begged him to send me out. All he said was, “Oh is that your expert prognosis? I didn't know that you're a doctor! You can go to Medical tomorrow.”I laid in my cell that night sobbing. The act of crying made my head feel like it would explode, but I couldn't help it. I was waiting to pass out or die. I remember moving my mat onto the ground by my door, so if I did become unconscious, I hoped the guards making rounds would see me and help. I asked the evening and night CO'S to please help me get to the hospital, that I didn't want to die alone in a jail cell. They just said there was nothing they could do.The next day at medical I told the PA that I had double vision, showed her my eyes, told her I couldn't walk, that the world was spinning. I had also told her that I was now vomiting constantly, that I was being tortured. I remember saying something like, “please, I'm dying, I'm only 26 years old, please don't let me die.” She looked at me for a minute and called the guard. “Take her back to her cell. Tell everyone to stop bringing her here, she's wasting my time. This is her own fault for taking other inmates’ medication.” She said it was a drug reaction from an inmate’s medication.I was stunned. I thought for sure that when she saw my eyes she'd HAVE to believe me. I promised her that I hadn't been taking anyone's medication, and that I knew it was something life threatening. I began sobbing and just absolutely begging. I felt like if I didn't convince her right then and there to take me to the hospital, if I was taken back to my cell, that I wouldn't make it back out. I stood there sobbing and pleading, but she just stood with her back to me, and the guards took me back.I was lying on my cell floor trying to find the least painful way to position myself, when I moved my head to the side. When I did that I felt a pain that caused me to start screaming. It felt as if my brain was too large for my skull, and that my brain would burst. The CO ran over to my cell, unlocked it, and sent a fellow inmate in to check on me. I was on the floor by the toilet because of my vomiting. The girl got down on her knees and cradled me in her arms. I was screaming and sobbing that I couldn't take it anymore. A sergeant was called in, and when he came to my cell I recall saying something like, “Please help me, I'm a human being, I'm dying, you have to help me.” To my great relief he says, “ okay, get your shoes on, we'll get you checked out.”The sergeant has to help me get my shoes on, and had to have his arm around me to help me walk. He leads me up the hallway, and the whole time I'm sobbing with relief, and thanking him for agreeing to send me out. I remember thinking that I made it, I was going to live!The sergeant leads me into a room at the end of the hallway. It was a small room with two cells, a shower, and a desk centered in the middle of the two cells. The sergeant leads me into one of the cells, sets me down on a wooden bench, and then exits the cell shutting me in behind him. I ask, “ when am I going to the hospital?” to which he replies, “ you're not. We can't have you screaming like that, bothering everyone on the unit. You're staying in Constant Watch until you can grow up. ”Constant Watch is the area of the jail used for inmates that are suicidal, or a danger to themselves or others. A guard is on them 24/7 and records in a log book what they are doing every 15 minutes.I was utterly shocked that I was in this cell instead of on my way to a hospital. I've never felt more let down in my entire life. That night as I layed on a mat on the floor, I sang songs to myself to try to distract myself from the pain. I kept asking the CO who was watching me to help me. I cried and screamed. I kept vomiting, which made everything hurt even worse. I even called out for my mom. The CO just sat there watching me, looking bored and irritated. It was easily the worst night of my life. I started wishing that I would die so that the pain would finally stop.In the morning the PA came in to evaluate me. I just kept begging to go to the hospital. I told her that this was total torture and I just couldn't handle it. I told her I couldn't see, walk, and my thinking ability was starting to get cloudy. She turns to a sergeant and says, “take her back to her cell, all this is her own fault. "I screamed “Noo No No” over and over, and kept on screaming. Even though it hurt I just didn't know what else I could do. The PA actually said, “if it was something serious it would have killed her by now, that's how I know it isn't.” A trained medical person actually said that!!The PA leaves and the sergeant says to me, “Your head can't hurt that bad if you're screaming. I couldn't scream like that if my head hurt. ” I just continued to cry and scream. I felt totally helpless.A different sergeant came in to talk to me. I again reminded her that I am a human being. That they were just letting me die a slow and painful death. I had given up all hope at that point when she said it. “Okay Templin (my name back then) we'll get you looked at.” I sobbed uncontrollably, and just kept thanking her over and over again. She bends down to help me up, then says, “holy shit, you're disgusting, don't breathe on me.” (!!) At that point, I didn't even care. I was just so happy and grateful.At the hospital one of the first things they did was a spinal tap, or lumbar puncture. The doctor who performed it told me that my spinal fluid shot out like a geyser. Tests confirmed that I had Fungal Spinal Meningitis. During the spinal tap my Intracranial Pressure (pressure on my brain) was checked and was found to be 48 mm Hg. Normal intracranial pressure for adults is between 5-15 mm Hg, with high normal being 20-25 mm Hg. Between 40-50 one usually becomes unconscious, and 60 is nearly always fatal. The Dr said it was unbelievable that I (unfortunate for me) never passed out. He said he believed I would not have made it another 12 more hours.This was when I first experienced true evil. In a building full of people, and a medical unit, I was tortured for 11 days. Most people wouldn't let an animal suffer in such a way. Not one guard who witnessed my agony tried to challenge the medical personnel and sergeant’s decision to not send me to a hospital. I was in jail for a misdemeanor charge, and nearly died as a result.To jail personnel I was just a good for nothing criminal. They viewed me as a lower life form than themselves. To them I deserved the pain I endured because I broke the law and was a prisoner. They are evil. Totally evil to not show an ounce of compassion for their fellow man.It took a long time to recover. I had double vision and trouble walking for a long time. I do get chronic headaches, but I have physically recovered. I will never recover mentally.After I recovered I sought legal representation to help me sue. At the time I was told that in NYS one has 90 days to sue a county, after that you're S.O.L. After much advice from people here on Quora I've decided I will try to pursue it again.Here I am today fully physically recovered. I am one of the lucky ones, as I've read countless stories of people dying in jails and prisons while staff literally watched on closed circuit television and did nothing. To them an inmate’s life means nothing.If that's not evil I don't know what is.Thanks for reading. I apologise for the length.