University Of Toronto Met 2015 Instructions: Fill & Download for Free

As promised. My thoughts on grief and true deep pain…ugh! Don't want to know this shit…never. It's wrong and so unnatural to bury a child. Your creation of love and joy. The only really good I have given to this world was giving birth to my awesome 3 kids. So unique and individual of each other. Totally different personalities. All of them grew up to be successful in their careers and their marriages. No grandchildren yet is the only big issue I have at this moment with my two eldest.. daughter a nurse now in the Nursing practices and control or some big cool title. Lives very close. Married to awesome guy. Smart and kind. Treats her very respectfully which is all I can really ask for. Next was my problem child with so much emotion and trying so hard now as an adult and computer sales techie supervisor manager boss dude. As a child we could barely keep his emotions in check and properly focused. Was expelled his first week of kindergarten..no exaggeration in anything I write. I promise. He stabbed an aide with a pencil, almost burned down our house, omg his poor baby brother. 4 years younger. 10 from his sister. He only saw them both as godlike and could never do wrong. He covered for them and followed(tried to) them everywhere he could. They protected him from all things but Jordan was still the much younger tag along and in their eyes…a small amount of truth..just a spoiled little brother. At 4 1/2 Jordan was diagnosed with DMD. Terrible disease means a few cool perks too right?? Yeah whatever. Give any of it back in a second. 5% fuel rebate if he makes 16. Disability tax credit and we all went to Disney land through the wish foundation. We met a ton of cool sports pros…hockey and football. Does it count if 3 pro footballers are direct relatives? For sure it Absolutely does. Lots of camps and plane rides. Staying at canuck place and attending tons of hockey games and meeting many players. We were fortunate to be staying in house at Canuck Place during the entire 2010 Olyimpics. That's probably the highlight for me other than when the kids were doing something they wanted. We always always included all 3 of them. We made it work. They played organized sports when their little bro was being fitted for his first power wheelchair. CP was and still is a life saver for us. Please l Google it. Best place ever if you have a sick child. They have 24 hr medical and personal care. Kids stay in their own room with Dr and nurse catering all their needs. Parents had private suite that was 2nd to none. Usually we had total alone time as the 2 older kids graduated and moved on into their lives. There is a huge staff including many nurses and aides. OT, PT, RTs and even a few IT's. DR’s galore-GP's and Pediatricians. So close to BCCH with full acess to all types of specialists. The best recreation therapists who are always planning cool, interestingly fun outings and evevts. The canucks and other celebs would visit. Kurt russel and goldie hawn..Robin Williams and many many athletes would come hang with the kids. Someone always made sure the parents and siblings got the royal treatment too. Massages, nights out alone at games, concerts or fancy restaurants. Don't get out all fancy with 3 kids(all so special and 2 with special needs). CP also offere end of life and after life care support for us. Jordan's and maybe all of our favorite place on earth..other than home.Next comes the really hard part. Forgive me if I cannot finish it all or get too detailed. It's still so shocking and reality only hits in sporadically. In a fog most of the time. Can't be real. Just can't be.My husband and have have had 4 close family members pass away all within this past year. Our bro in law (my hubbys sisters husband), MomMom — my grandmother. She was just shy of her 103rd bday and lived an amazing life. My husband's eldest brother. Diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at 69 and gone a few short months later. But the worst loss of all..the most devasting and debilitating and so unnatural way of life for us was the sudden and tragic loss of our youngest child. Jordan I miss you so very much. The pain is a constant thing. I'm told from other parents who have managed to survive years like this that it will never go away. You just learn to cope.On Dec 8th it will be one whole year since I held my son and watched him take his last breath. That image Tears me to shreds and can never be unseen. But it wasn't about me or my needs. Jordan needed and no way in hell I would choose that moment to stop being his mom. I'm honestly surprised that I'm still here and actually a functioning adult. Kinda..It's the most unnatural thing ever to outlive our kids. It's just wrong and it hurts so more that I could have ever imagined. We had a preview on 2009. Jordan was 16 and caught the h1n1 virus. Medivac flight to Childrens hosp. We all watched him have respiratory failure and cardiac arrest. Code blue flying in the ICU and after 5 minites or so our son was given back to us. 3 month + recovery in Vancouver. Work And bills suffered. Didnt really care alll that much about money and “things”. Just wasn't as important as I once thought it was. Priorities changed so fast.It doesn't help that my son is totally perfect in every way that matters. He is so kind, caring funny..witty. Full of empathy and integrity. And oh my such an intellect. I miss just talking to him for hours about everything from anime manga video games to the universe, physics and love. Planning the immediate future. Jordan had a full ride to college. Complete scholarship. He chose BCIT and planned to start last April. Told you he was perfect. My son was born with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy but he often forgot about that fact. Jordan Stopped walking at 9. At 23 his mobility was limited to non-existant. Jordan could kinda bounce his feet or arms slightly to try and play tricks on me haha. His real gift was him. His pure heart and dpul. Ans oh man the way that kids mind worked was so amazing to all who knew him. My best memories arr of us alone and just talking. Jordan had strong beliefs and opinions on any subject.15-20 years is what we should expect for Jordans life expectancy. Even as I as watched him go and watched them turn off all the machines…I still didn't believe my son was really going to die. Not my son. Hell they tried to take him 2009 too..but not my boy. He's perfect. Meant for more.Jordan wanted none of that prognosis crapt and spent his entire life taking every recommendation from every dr he saw. Folowed all instructions to the letter. We all worked hard keeping his lungs as strong as possible and tried to live every day to the fullest. I truly admire my son. Jordan Never complained..never felt sorry for himself….ever.He defied them all and was about start college at 23yrs old. Took him a few years after grad to figure what he wanted to do. He literally said to me that he plans on kicking back and enjoying a some time off after high school. Lots of time mom he laughed. I'm so good with that. I would rather be his full time aid but oh no. The wise government won't recognize parents as caregivers. The best for the job I say. They have no problem paying a stranger 28.50 per hr or setting him up in a care home for crazy amounts is just not acceptable. Stopping that topic now. Really get me angry.Our family did what needed to get done. We were all happy and enjoying our lives..much poorer but together. Jordan was very happy and quite healthy in spite of the DMD. Dec 9th 2015 Jordan's starts getting strong pain and lots of blood on his urine. How cruel to give him kidney stones to pass. Wasn't told how common this is for dmd kids. Such a tough kid. Dec 7th 2017. More blood and more of the same kind of pain he thought at first. Then by 330 am Jordan finally agreed to go to the hospital. He refused for hours not wanting to miss a rooster teeth podcast or achievement hunter thing he said..and then he just wanted to go to bed and hope the stones passed in the night as they did the year b4. Called the ambulance at 306 it arrived at 624am. We had taken turns soothing him nonstop but had to insist on going to see the Dr. Something seemed different to me. The pain shifted from his lower back to the front. I can't believe the strength and stubbornness Jordan had. My husband rode with him as we had extremely important banking etc to get done asap. I stayed and would join them shortly. They hadn't finished the admission paperwork when the Dr s all went in panic mode. Ian called and told me to hurry and get here. They are acting very scared and saying things like “he is one very sick young man” “not sure if he can last too much longer. WTF? weren't they kidney stones again?? My hubby calls me clearly upset. I'm so confused and just need to be with my baby. Call the immediate family. Our nurse daughter came right away. She happened to be working that day near VGH thank goodness. I finally get there at I want to say 9am or 930 ish? Honestly don't remember. All meaning stopped for me when I saw him. He was finally resting pain free..or so I thought. I now meet the doc and get the update. No ducking way..cant be..of course it is…how did I not see it sooner…after all I had it and so did my dad and his mom too. It's genetics. I should have known. How did I not see it. My son was suffering from an infected gall bladder that ruptured and gave him sepsis.They have him an hour. He wasn't having any of that either. The fight and strength you had my son. He made it through the surgery and was not doing well in recovery. We were refused entry in the icu ward to be with him. We pushed so hard they finally agreed to come say our goodbyes they said. Jordan became alert and stable when he finally saw us all there. He was angry or hurt and really wanted to know why we took so long to come see him. When we explained we never left and the security guard and Dr would not allow us in. I could see Jordan's face relax and understand. He felt abandoned and I'm so angry at the Drs for allowing that to happen. Jordan's heart muscle was weak from the 2009 cardiac arrest and the of course the DMD. The sepsis was taking over his body. There were so many people coming in and yelling out hey have u tired this or that..drs from everywhere. Trying so hard for him. He worked hard and so should they. He crashed at least a dozen times. Full out flat line paddle wielding chest compressing needing.. gone and gone. But they jumper on him each time and he would open those beautiful eyes and look at me without fear and without asking what just happened this time. He knew. He had his sister come close and told her a secret…just for them. He was tired groggy but so clear and decisive. Jordan figured out a communication systems that he wanted and taught us. No blink blink crapt he said.. too hard and tiring which will make it hard for us to understand since he kept falling “asleep” briefly and suddenly. Jordan was intubated so it was hard to read his lips but we did get a lot. He would roll his eyes at our inability to totally understand everything he tried to say. But we made it count. He said he wasn't scared at all. When he falls “asleep” he always knew something bad happened. He heard is yelling at him to fight hard and come back to us. Even all the medical staff were calling his name. They would cry real tears and high five when they successfully brought him back. Finally he started to show good signs of pulling through. He hasn't crashed in a few hours and around 1130 pm they started being positive for the first time. I knew my son and the strength we gave him through our love. At just past midnight we were given blankets and told to get some rest. Let us and Jordan get some much needed sleep and we will see how it looks in the morning. At 130am or so the Dr treating him came to talk to us about an idea he had for focussing the majority of his treatment straight to Jordan's heart. He was convinced that would be the one thing that may stop a recovery. I disagreed and believed that you don't change what is obviously working. He said that Jordan may still not survive and was still listed as critical. If he didn't take aggressive measures to stabilize his heart now that by morning it may be too late. Against our personal thoughts based purely on emotion and knowing out son better than a anyone, we reluctantly gave permission for him to change treatments. Gotta trust the pros right?? Still not sure what did or why it caused irreversible damage. 1 hour after the change Jordan started to crash again. This time they were more often and longer flat line. Much harder to get him back. I was enraged and screaming for answers. Change it back now I begged and pleaded. Dr dumbass just became my mortal enemy. The last crash was so hard to watch. The tag team of nurses lined up beside him and took turns jumping on top of Jordan and compressing his chest. The machine would start saying “PUSH HARDER” as each person would tire. I'll never forget that loud deep mechanical voice encouraging them to save my son. 10 min passed then 15- 20 ++++ there was no response at all. I knew it was over but couldn't get my brain to accept it. They just kept going. Compressions then adrenaline then the paddles. They never showed or gave up. Dr barked out orders and yelled different meds to inject him with. The tag team rotated like a machine. More than 30 min of this and my family surrounded me crying and hugging me. Saying things like he's gone mom. Tell them to stop. You have to stay it. I yelled out asking how long they will do this for. The answer camr back “forever or until you say stop.” I didn't want that burden. My only thought was there is no way you can make me give up on him and say stop. Trying to ease your guilt doc by making me decide?? Jordan did have a living will. He requested that all extraordinary life saving measures were to be exhausted. Jordan has a full ream of specialists that know him and the disease extremely well. I them to all be contacted asap. Especially his cardiologist and respirologist. They do nothing but treat heart and lungs of people suffering from neuromuscular disease. They never called them explaining that they didn't feel it necessary as they have their on specialists on staff. Well then that doesn't sound to me like all avenues have been explored and exhausted. My husband looked at me with eyes puffy red and full and sadness and tears. He begged me to look at our baby laying there unresponsive. Please stop this now. Jordan is gone as hard as that is to accept but we can't let them keep doing that to him. My daughter had the same look and response. She Has extensive medical training. My mom was on the phone getting the update. My mother was a pediatric nurse trained at toronto sick kids hospital and then later changed to long term care geriatrics nurse.I couldn't believe it all came to this moment and was ending this way. Not the peaceful sleep and the time to prepare for this day we expected to go through one dayAn infected and ruptured gall bladder? Really?? No way. Not like this.I spoke the words to stop all treatment. Life support was kept on to give us all as much time with Jordan as we needed. I started to Vomit violently. Nurse sat me in a chair beside a garbage can. Nothing seemed real. I could hear the machines forcing air onto Jordan's chest. I could t process the scene around me. I hadn't noticed until then how many people had gathered in our area. Many staff from other departments had kept coming back to check on Jordan. I heard later that the story spread quickly of the young man and his family had refused to give up. Apparently so many just had to watch us all communicate. They kept us away from Jordan early on feeling that we would just put extra emotion and stress on him that he just wouldn't survive. They wanted to try and stabilize him before letting us in. That really angerd me when I think of the time I sat on the floor outside the ICU refusing to leave until I saw my son. They underestimate the power of love…..our love and the closeness we have as a family. Precious time I can never have back. Hours wasted that could have been spent making Jordan comfortable enough the get the rest he needed to fight the infection. Instead he panicked not knowing where we were and why we just left him. He couldn't make them understand him in many hours they were with him. One nurse told me how angry and animated he got each time he tried to communicate. We were told that he was still under the anesthesia from his surgery and when he is awake it's only for a few seconds and he is way too groggy and out of it to even know if we were there or not. He may not even recognize us. How very wrong they were. We came and he brightened up instantly. After he looked at each of us he started trying to tell us he's mad and want to know if we had a fun day on the town while he was left alone trying to figure out what had all happened to him. He was angry and hurt. Don't blame him. His dad got very close and quietly and clearly explained all that had happened. Why he was in a different part of the hospital with s whole new set of Drs. After he calmed down and realize that never ever would we leave him there alone. He said he could fugure he was in the ICU from the sounds he heard and from listening to the announcements. He said he was tired but was always asleep when they came in. He was frustrated trying to get them to understand him. Remember my son has DMD and can't twist his body to get comfortable. His leg muscle had atrophied over the years and are permanently bent slightly. After surgery they put him in a regular hospital bed without leg and knee supports. Uncomfortable and painful to lay that way Too long. Took us less than 5 minutes to figure out that he needed me to adjust his legs. I put pillows under his knees and and centered his legs together. The relief in his face was overwhelming and emotional. Such a small simple thing made Jordan so happy and relieved. Not lucid my ass Dr doesn'tgetit.There ..so many more little things happened in that 24 hours that after careful reflection and a few other concerns we had get answered gives a whole new set of questions i need answers to. They directly relate to my sons care and certain decisions made and the way information was given to us. Starting right from the first call to 911 and the response time.I'll end with an insight to my sons cool mind.Mom: ambulance is on the way Jordan. Let's get you ready okJordan: you think you will have enough time to give me a sexy haircut before we go?Mom: lol are you serious Jordan?Jordan: um yeah. I try to control the pain with the power of thought control. If I can get myself all worried about how my hair looks the pain won't be as bad as it really is. Besides I didn't want you to know cuz you always make a big issue of every little that I feel. Remember the epic hangnail annotation of 2012? I'm a busy guy mom. Didn't have time for drama queen mamma yesterday lol. Didn't want to miss the RT Pod and I'm pretty sure there is a new cool trailer for star wars coming out today. I also prepaid our tickets for the 16th. I thought I would have been given digital copied but apparently they were mailed or couriered. Could not risk them coming and no One here to sign for them. That would suckMom: and the hair issue again? I think you look hot and sexy now. You have that rugged yet innocent lived in messy bed head thing going on. Chicks and the dudes are going to be all over that.Jordan: crapt. Was afraid of that. I won't have the rolls with me to make a fast escape. Stuck in bed and unable to move.. hmmm maybe you could prescreen a few?? Oh and fyi mom..rugged innocent hair is really just a fancy way of saying I have a mullet. You started cutting my hair that other day remember but I started getting blood in my pee. You freak dad and I laugh and remind you of the kidney stones. Feels kinda the same but much worse this time. Don't freak . I'm going to the hospital now.Back to my hair please. If you don't have time now at least pack your scissors in your purse. If I'm as bad as last year they will make me stay 5 days again I Cant do a whole hopital mullet marathon. Bring the clippers too and you can give me a Gibbs if you wantAnything but a red neck style mullet. Please mom.BLARG BLARGNBLARG BLARG AND AND AND ANOTHER BLARG.Mom: you pulling the old if you really love me mom card? And a song of blarg too? You play dirty Indi. No fair. You cheat!Jordan: your face is blarg card. ..Mom: oh yeah? Well that's better than a having a hotdog water face haha take that little boy. You are such a chatty Cathy at 430 am on a really snowy Dec day. Non stop random babble in jordaneseJordan: mind over matter. Jedi mind control on myself. 8or its just all the chakra flowing that I have not yet learned to control. Was that funny what I said? You keep laughing. Oh I also forgot to tell you I have had a change of heart regarding the administering of narcotic pain medication without my prior approval. And that my tube of g is an extension of my body and shall be respected as such. Nothing goes in that I don't know about k. Except today that rule can be ignored. I will not oppose the one time quick relief of something way stronger. Actually mom. I need it soon. I can feel it coming back hard and am I'm sure if I can take any more. It's get to g so much worse. And I can feel the heart burn coming on again as well. I fell like puking again mom.Mom: I'm right here baby. Tell what helps the most. I love you so much Jordan and would rip that pain out of you in a second if I could. Remember to breath slowly. I'm starting to think it's not heart burn and kidney stones. It sounds like you describe my gall bladder attack but it seems impossible for you to have that. You are on a very strict and controlled diet. None of this makes sense right now. I'm so happy you finally agreed to go honey. Ty for humoring your parents. I can't help worrying about you which why it always so easy to hear a Dr say it's nothing overly serious.Oh dad's back. Looks like he shoveled You a nice path through the snow.Jordan: really sucks that I can't just drive my chair right up the ramp and into the elevator