Cancer Kicker Domination Donation Form: Fill & Download for Free

Long post…grab a coffee.My mother is very domineering and a bitch by any other word. My father was very passive, and I'm a 50 yr old guy who's just coming to terms with some of my narcissistic moms crap from when I was young. I have this weird internalized rage and I'm starting to isolate myself which I don't like. I don't trust women since my alcoholic ex essentially continued my mother's pleasantries whenever she got drunk and was physically abusive.Whenever I used to think about my mom it was always 'just ok' thoughts but never sunshiny, lovey thoughts about my mom. She's never got on with my aunt (dads sis who now I know saw right through her from day one), and has had an issue with every woman I've ever had in my life. ('Because no one can take away her precious little boy' - my words which she agreed were correct - how pathetic)I remember when I was small maybe 5 or 6 living in England. I went to get a bottle of milk from the fridge and I guess it slipped from my hands. She starts screaming at me about spilling the milk and even her friend Brenda who I remember was standing right behind me at the time told her it wasn't a big deal. Obvious overreaction. Apparently it is worth crying over spilled milk.Around 9 she dragged me upstairs to my room sc reaming and crying with the threat that I was being sent to boarding school for something I'd done. She started packing a suitcase and I was hysterical by this time. She only backed off after I started to hyperventilate and then it was "im only joking!"What an wonderful sense of humor my mother has.Around 13 she came at me with a wooden spoon which was a regular occurrence and I cringed and went to block her swing as by this time I was sick of it. HER forearm hit my arm and it hurt her. My father came home from work and her words were verbatim: "Your son hit me!"Lying to your spouse to get your own son in trouble.........WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?!I've never really had a 'great' relationship with her. She can't take criticism, is rather petty at times (like when I suggested donating 4 of the 6 walking sticks in her closet....."No. They're mine")And the kicker is....she can't take any responsibility for any of it and claims to have no recollection, even as I, a fifty year old man, stand in front of her with tears pouring down my face telling her how I'm feeling. Zero empathy whatsoever.I go and have a shower and then it hits me. I'm sobbing like I haven't since I was a child all the way through my shower and then the realization that I want her to say sorry so I can somehow forgive her and continue to love her hits me!!!!! How fucking messed up is that?I can remember walking through the kitchen and my mother passing me and I would flinch because I thought I was going to get a smack. I got ridiculed for this and only now am I realizing the extent of the damage of all of this.Having a narcissistic parent is about as fucked up as it gets. My childhood was certainly not as bad as some, but she sure did a number on my head. All of this happened before the age of around 13 but by then it's too late.5 years ago the screaming stopped. I used to periodically hear a screeching sound from traffic, etc and to my ear it sounded EXACTLY like my mother screaming my name as if I've done something wrong. I used to have an idea of why this happened but now I have a ‘connect-the-dots’ game before me that is allowing me to see the situation for what it was and the reason I had this auditory hallucination. I think they call it cPTSD or something. I haven't researched it yet.She's never 'really' loved anyone but herself, and that's what hurts the most. She is unable to as her head won't let her. That's something else to get your head around…..the realization that it's not even her fault at the end of the day.It's cyclic and the shitshow will be moved from generation to generation unless someone sees it for what it is and stops it. Many times the issue is so ingrained that the perpetrator doesn't even see their illness as affecting others. I've dealt with this all my life and as I said it's only now I'm coming to terms with what she did to me as I have been as far away as I could get since I was 19.I have to deal with it now as she's dying of cancer. I struggled with the decision to even come anywhere near her but it's been a window into my own psyche. I'm not saying she was a complete monster, but you have to understand the fact that any rational human wouldn't want to be in the presence of someone that hits them. When that someone is also emotionally connected to the hitter such as a mother/son, this sets up a really confusing dynamic in the mind of the child and then resentment, anger, and rage take over.I'm not trying to play the victim as I despise that narrative but I can't discount the emotional damage this woman has done to my life. Had I realised this earlier in my life maybe I could have steered a different path, but abuse sets you up to make rather poor choices at an early age.This revelation has come all over the past 72 hours due to my proximity to my mother. Narcissism is a serious, destructive disorder and all I see around me are people exhibiting traits of this and other personality issues. I don't see passive people seeking dominants or vice versa, but when they do form a couple the resulting dynamic can be terrible. The dominant woman will dominate because the passive hubby lets her, but at the same time craves the protection of a dominant man which sets her up for anxiety as she knows the man she's with can't or won't. I've seen this in my own relationships until I decided to become a hardass. Now I don't tolerate shit from anyone and will call out the slightest transgression to my person, as the narcissist constantly invades the space and boundaries of others.I'm a single, only child with no children. My legacy will die with me.……sorry if this answer rambles a bit. I took it from my Reddit post and added to it. It may get bigger as the memories are still trickling in. My fathers side of the family can back most of this up. None of it is a fabrication.