Probation Sex Offender Management Practice Guidance Final: Fill & Download for Free

This is important.Find out who you are. Go to therapy in both individual and group settings. If you are married, go to marriage counseling. Spend the time and money to go get trained in the format you are naturally predisposed to.Identify your own personality so you can capitalize on your natural strengths. It is critical you know what it means to have your own DX and how it normalizes for you. You need to be familiar with a number of styles of therapy in order to adapt to the patients profile. There are basic clinical formats I think are important and list some below.There are many types of psychologist too. I have put a list at the end of this post.When I look back, I was counseling in high school. I did when I was in the Army and from then on with each job I had as well as with my social situations. I didn't start college with being a therapist in mind. During my undergraduate work, I finally discovered what I was doing all along and started getting paid for it.I saw three different therapists and one psychiatrist when I was in my late teens and early 20's. I am appalled now at how much they missed, not only what the problem was but who I am. They were pushing the format they trained with and were doing the protocol by the numbers as they understood it. When I saw the psychiatrist in the Army, I manipulated the heck out of him as he was rigidly following the formats he'd been trained under. I would remember that later when I was a probation officer and had the cons try and work me over.Clean up your own past. When I was in post graduate training in Florida at the Gestalt institute with Gertrude Krouse, She didn’t care who you were or what your background was. You couldn't do good work until you cleaned up you own past and anything you hadn't, will be a blind spot for assisting your patents. I have seen this to be true. In addition, when you learn something new, it can suddenly show up in all your patients.Though I stopped doing basic testing with MMPI's, WISC-R's and the like years ago, I think it is important that you are very familiar with their purpose as instruments. A lot of people like the Myers Briggs instrument and others see it a pop psych tool.One of the problems I have seen with some clinician's is; they should have stayed with diagnostics by doing evaluations. They were very good at finding out what the persons personality type was, putting in hours with multiple tests, but were simply awful in putting a therapy program into use with real people.Classes on ethics are critical, I have known about atrocious stuff from other therapist like having sex with their patients, selling them Amway products, to getting in business with them. I have seen therapist leave a sobbing client in the corner and others run to the rescue because there was a little stress. Some of the most credentialed people I have known where unethical, or bad therapist, as far as I was concerned. A number of people had such bad experiences, they vowed never to try therapy again.[Update added: I worked with a guy at a mental health clinic who was a 40 year old marriage counselor. Thing is, he had never been married and still lived with his mother.]Expanding on sociological or family systems like Genograms and AA format 12-step programs are very important. You need to know developmental processes and how the family virus has been passed through the generations, in order to effectively interrupt it. Definitely some kind of spiritual grounding that at a minimum, is tied to your own functioning philosophy, meaning, or purpose in life. People will be watching to see how well your life is working.Get training in meds even if you can't prescribe them. (That may change with some legislation) I use MD's and others to get the patient stabilizing meds when called for. Sometimes patients come in using them already and you have to know what impact they are having. In addition, I have found because a lot of physicians got their info from drug reps, they are a little leery of dosage. When side effects are had and the patient complains, instead of waiting the requisite time to stabilize, they reduce the dosage, there-by never reaching a therapeutic dose.I wrote some under Clinical Psychology: What kinds of psychotherapy are effective?A couple of statements:It is very hard to get someone to work in session week after week. Sometimes they just want to come in and tell their story. But I have had many people come in from other therapist who primarily used what I call the dream-whip nightmare of sweet agreement/ question. “And how does that make you feel” till the client wanted to scream. They didn't offer skills or training. Realization only gets you so far. Others sell behaviorism as a rat-in-the-maze cure all until the rat is out of the maze and returns to previous patterns. Sociopaths learn to play rule-followers like a fiddle. When therapist learn Rogerian reflecting, it is very reassuring…at first. Then it is like if you have ever played chess or checkers with someone that mimicked your moves, you quickly set them up.Jane Chin (陳盈錦) had asked me a question after reading my account of hiring a bunch of therapist for one of my programs. I roll-played a client with attitude and found most did not do what they had listed as their style when they got stressed."Mike, would you say that most people when under stress have a default style of working (or communicating) that they can't necessarily change? Or is this something that one can train to change? I'm referring to your "stress test" during the interview."Part of my response:Yes, I think people do have a default style and I have been frustrated with the schools not helping therapists learn what theirs is. I think people can learn a new style but the therapist better adapt it to who they are to be the most effective. If you're only doing a one note presentation each session, one could probably get away with that rote system but I would get very bored with it too.I needed a booster for my own style after about ten years and found NLP and Eriksonian hypnosis gave new life into how I was helping people.I am way too blunt for a number of people but it matches my style. I am notoffended if they need to see someone else. There are some forms I prefer to use with certain patients as it will impact them better. During the initialinterview I asses which style will probably get the job done most efficiently.When I was in training years ago, there was a woman therapist who had themental strength of a wet noodle. I could not work with her but I saw her workmagic with a woman that was so closed and sensitive. I knew there wasn'tanother trainer the woman would have risked and opened up to.Here is an article about finding out what therapy orientation therapist pick.http://www.psychotherapybrownbag.com/psychotherapy_brown_bag_a/2010/04/how-do-therapists-decide-which-therapeutic-orientation-they-prefer.htmlThe following list is not comprehensive. Many other styles of therapy are practiced. I have seen some go out of favor and others like CBT become popular. Those too will also go out of fashion later. The styles are ones I think practitioners should be familiar with more than just a name. Psycho-dynamic counselors have focused primarily on insight, humanistic practitioners have aimed to promote self-acceptance and personal freedom, and cognitive–behavioral therapists have been mainly concerned with the management and control of behavior.Adventure therapyAnalytical psychologyBehavior modificationBiofeedbackClassical Adlerian psychotherapyClient-centered psychotherapyCognitive behavior therapy (CBT)Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)DreamworkEncounter groupsEye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR)Existential therapyExpressive therapyFamily therapyGestalt therapyGroup therapyGuided Imagery TherapyHumanistic psychologyHypnotherapyIntegrative body psychotherapyIntegral Eye Movement TechniqueIntegral psychotherapyIntegrative psychotherapyInterpersonal psychotherapyJungian psychotherapyLogotherapyMarriage counselingNeuro-Linguistic ProgrammingPerson-centered (or Client-Centered or Rogerian) psychotherapyPlay therapyPsychoanalytic psychotherapyPsychoanalysisPsychodramaPsychodynamic psychotherapyPsychosynthesisRational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)Reality therapyRelationship counselingRogerian psychotherapySchema TherapySexual Identity TherapySolution focused brief therapySystemic therapyTransactional Analysis (TA)Transpersonal psychologyTwelve-step programsWilderness therapyThe many types of psychologist follows.This list is from:http://www.suite101.com/content/types-of-psychology-a48348Clinical Psychologists treat people who exhibit mental emotional disorders which range from uncomfortable reactions to the stress of daily life to extreme psychological disorders.Community psychology is mostly preventative in nature. These psychologists specialize in human behavior at home, at school, and in neighborhoods.Counseling psychologists are therapists who help clients adjust to life, make important decisions, and help people cope. This field of human behavior is similar to clinical psychology.Developmental psychology focuses on human development from birth to death. This type of psychology describes, measures, and explains age-related changes in behavior.Educational psychology is research-oriented, and focuses on how people learn. Teachers, school administrators, and guidance counselors may apply the findings of educational psychologists in schools, colleges, or universities.Environmental psychologists attempt to improve the interactions between humans and the environment. The management of natural resources, effects of extreme environments, and architectural design are part of this branch of humanbehavior.Experimental psychology focuses on basic processes of human interaction and biology. This type of psychology often involves studies on animals and people.Family psychologists are therapists who concentrate on the family and how it affects our development and lives. Sexual dysfunction and family counseling may be subsections of family psychology.Forensic psychologists study criminal behavior, and often assist law enforcement agencies in criminal investigations.Geriatric psychology focuses on the health and well-being of older people. This field of human behavior includes both practical and research applications. well-being of older people.Health psychology is a branch of human behavior that is concerned with the psychological implications of actions on health. For instance, smoking, weight gain, stress management and fitness can affect our mental health – and that’s what health therapists focus on.Organizational psychology focuses on our relationships to work. This study of human behavior includes career counseling, cross-training, retirement planning, and job productivity.Physiological psychology is about the genetic and physical roots of psychological disorders, such as how our brains change due to drug use or how cells develop and function.Positive psychology is a relatively new area in the study of human behavior. It encompasses a holistic approach to mental wellness, with a shift away from disease to personal wellness and health.Psychometrics focuses on psychological testing and assessment. Psychometrists are employed at private companies and government organizations.Rehabilitation psychologists help people with handicaps, such as birth trauma or stroke, improve their functioning in the world. This field of human behavior ranges from birth to old age.School psychology focuses on the intellectual and emotional development of young people. intellectual and emotional development of young people.Social psychology explores how we live in the world. Pop cultural, group behavior, the media, and our attitudes and opinions are all part of social psychology.Sport psychologists are therapists who concentrate on the mental and emotional factors that affect professional or amateur athletes. Sport therapists attempt to maximize motivation and performance.

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES“ I played D1 in college, and later decided I didn’t want to play, too. I know exactly what you’re going through. My parents were devastated too! Oh, yep. I gave up a scholarship too. It’s crazy how much our lives are similar.”My daughter (20,) thought she had found her soulmate. I am answering anonymously because this is for my daughter, and she is not ready (might never be,) to share her story publicly.With her guidance, I will attempt to share what she has to tell. She’s hoping maybe one person that feels alone; won’t feel that way after reading her story. She’d LOVE some heartfelt advice, as well.Let’s call my daughter Britt, and her boyfriend Hunter.WARNING: This whole ‘write up’ got unintentionally WAY TOO LONG.If you would rather scroll down to the numbered items to just see the details that answer to the question, I will not be offended. So please no ‘too long’ comments. It is, YES IT IS.I only would like people genuinely interested in her story to read it, in its entirety. Please do not comment negatively on this post. This post has a purpose, and that is to provide encouragement, support and love.—But for those that might be willing to spare a few (or 30 extra minutes,) I’d love for you to read her story, so you can understand her dilemma. She would love advice as to experience you’ve had with people like this; to see if there is any hope for long term change. She, at this point needs advice from her peers, people that have actually, ‘walked the walk.’ We have read together countless experiences on here about Narcissists, Compulsive Liars and BPD. Thank you! They have helped tremendously when we were just clueless about what might be going on with him!- I will support her no matter what, because I love my child more than life itself…I Unfortunately , I am wavering in my confidence that he’ll be able to step up the way he needs to, if he’s to be with my daughter. It’s hard to look past all the past toxic behaviors she endured with him.So, I myself, would personally ask for you, if willing, to show support from this fantastic Quora community. She doesn’t think anyone on here will care about ‘her drama’, or care about a stranger with ‘no name.’I beg to differ! She is important, and wonderful, and unique with, or without, her boyfriend.Let’s show her we’ve read and care about Britt, and for all the suffering ‘Britts’ of this community by giving her an upvote! Or a share, too!It will stay anonymous, but I will be checking back, and when she needs that strength the most, (finally breaking away,) or not, I’d LOVE for her to see how many people cared about a 20 yr old girl named Britt…who has her ENTIRE LIFE ahead of her!You will see from her story that it’s complicated. it’s a one minute you ‘hate’ him. The next minute you can’t help but ‘love’ him. I am this way with him too!It’s like NOTHING I’ve ever experienced. I would never have believed it, if I hadn’t seen her live it!Background:My daughter spent most of her life tied to a sport that she was extremely good at. She started at the age of four, and started competing at ten. She spent most days going between practice and school. Some days she went before and after school to train. For a long time, it was her passion. She lived and breathed it. She had fun because all her best friends were created through this sport. We introduced her to it, but she kept the determination and strength and passion to push through and train and compete for years. When she was at practice, she was at her happiest. Joking, laughing, driving her coaches crazy but knowing they loved her and would do anything for her. So would her teammates.She was a type A kid, thus strived for perfection. She is smart. Organized. She is stubborn. She is introverted, but not shy. But she’s also super funny and is well liked. She’s had anxiety off and on, and some years were better than others, as well. It’s always been managed, and it’s never gotten so bad that she couldn’t participate in her normal life.I’d say her self esteem has struggled. She never did think she was anything great, even though at one point she was the #2 Nationally ranked Girl in her event and age group. She doesn’t think she’s anything special and most friends at school, (outside of her sport,) didn’t even know she did it. If they did they didn’t know to what level. She is extremely humble.And, she’s just beautiful…. (To which she would disagree with me.) But, she IS. As she got older she got a lot of unwanted attention in ways that she didn’t want.She dated a boy when she was 17/18 that was kind of geeky but in the cutest way possible. Most couldn’t understand why she dated him, until they got to know him. He was smart, extremely motivated, honest, determined. She had been asked out by boys for years and always declined, choosing just to be friends. Including this kid. They were good friends for about a year before she finally let him take her on a date her Senior year. He’d only asked about a dozen times. That kid was persistent!Anyway, long story short, she broke up with HS boy once she went away to school. They were states a part and she really needed that day-to-day interaction. In retrospect, she also didn’t care for the fact that he didn’t enjoy any activities that entailed fitness, the exact opposite of Britt. But Ahh…that kid was a keeper, and he’ll make a terrific husband and father someday.To finish off about her sport, she was so good that she qualified for the Olympic Trials. And then had full ride scholarships offered to her, from basically all the top colleges with her Sport. She was smart too, so she really had all doors wide open. I really am downplaying it here. This was a big, big, deal.Unfortunately, For an introverted kid that didn’t like attention, that had struggled some with anxiety, it was just TOO much.She knew none of her friends were getting a scholarship like she was, and she hated that. I’m 100% sure that she’d still be in this sport today if she could have stayed with this group of athletes that she’d been with her entire life. Nevertheless she accepted a scholarship with a coach she loved and then the college cut the team that year. She then had to make a quick decision about where to go, and it was a very uncertain time. She picked another school that she wasn’t 100% certain about.She hated it. Quit. Moved back home and attended a school just 2 hours from home. So fine, she had her family but all her friends had gone off to different schools and she felt isolated and alone. She now knew no one, and went from maybe 1/2 hour of free time a day to almost all day, every day, besides classes.She made a few friends but it’s difficult because she came late in the year, and lives off campus in her own apt.Enter boys and Hunter. They met on a dating app that the girl reaches out to the boy if the girl likes his profile. If he likes her back, they talk. She talked to about a dozen boys and ultimately didn’t think any were a fit. They were pretty easy to weed out. If she talked for a week and she figured out he was just interested in hooking up…then see ya. Also, she’s not big on overly annoying. She’s quite picky.She starts talking to Hunter. They start texting and she just INSTANTLY thinks this kid is AMAZING. They talk for a few weeks via text before she says she’ll meet him for pizza. She told me his pictures on the app we’re not the best, but she just loved his personality. He was:very attentive, funny, smart. Had never had a girlfriend, and seemed kinda clueless about the dating game. He was a year ahead of her in school. Unassuming. Didn’t demand attention from the people around him.She met him for pizza, (they live 20 min apart,) he goes to a neighboring college. He was EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING, apparently his pics didn’t do him justice. They had a blast!They fell hard. They spent many hours together. She met his friends and they welcomed her. He told her the things mentioned in the above quote, and they were just the cutest couple. He took his time before even attempting to give her a kiss. She would always call me to tell me stories about how sweet he had been because of this or that.I stalked him a bit on social media..,and he looked GREAT. Hardly ever posted on Instagram, very few followers. Same on Facebook. Thats what she wanted. Low key, smart, cute, athlete. He looked really good to me. Britta did not like showy or boisterous or braggy people. She’d come across that enough In her competition days, especially when you got to the elite level. She’s always been one that thinks your beauty will shine from within. I think she’s right.Britt would call each day and we’d talk for 15–20 min. We’ve always been close. I am very interested in her life and sometimes she’d ask for advice. If I overstepped my bounds she’d tell me and I’d reel it in. The problem is, I found a few things that bothered me…that sounded inconsistent when I questioned her, or when she told me stories about him. But she was so blissfully happy I let the things go, and figured I could just ask him about things I was curious about, maybe I was mishearing?Our family met him and OMG we LOVED him. He was so attentive to her. Wasn’t boastful, smart, respectful, and made her younger sisters feel a part of everything. He spent the 4th of July with us at a cabin, and ALL my family loved him. He was kind of introverted like Britt but never tried to dismiss himself and went out of his way to talk with everyone. But only with Britt, and by her lead. He was thoughtful and sweet and Britt felt so lucky, and so loved. And he was very very handsome. I mean, adorably cute.The first lie I found out about, was after meeting him for the first time, (3–4 months into relationship.)All of these things, of course happened over time.From listening to things Britt was telling me, I’d notice inconsistencies. I’d never confront her telling her I thought he was lying but would just ask a follow up question, she’d be curious about it, and then ask him about it.1. He said he got a “full” ride scholarship to CYZ college across the country. Just like her, he didn’t finish the year. Moved back home and finished up at the school he’s at now:Truth: I couldn’t find HIM in any of that team’s pictures on their website and I found that odd. Britt asked about it and he told her he had been redshirted. So I tell her that all the redshirted players were pictured as well. He now tells her that he actually never played a game with the team, just practiced, and had to go back pretty early because of a knee injury, which required surgery. Truth: He never went to CYZ school across country. He also did not attend the next school he said he attended. These lies were heartbreaking because up until then he was sitting at such a warm place in my heart. I realized he had LIED. And that alone, was heartbreaking!!After denying these lies for so long, he finally admits it later in relationship when he comes clean about many things. Thousands upon Thousands of lies stemmed from this one lie. Because Britta had gone through the same thing she said they spent hours upon hours talking about their experiences.2. He told me in conversation he got a 32 on his ACT (US college prep test), which is like AMAZING. He said he got full ride scholarship to CYZ school. He told me later in the SAME weekend that he got a 14 on his ACT (probably true,). When I looked at him like, are you crazy?! (Cause I’m thinking 32), then he saw my face and said “Oh, I mean the 1st time I got a 14, and then a 32.If a person re-takes the ACT after studying for months, the average gain is only 2–3 points.3. He would get caught in completely unnecessary lies. When Britt caught him in a lie, she would usually call him on it. At first she thought it was kind of funny. His roommates would call BS on things he said or did. Eventually, it was seemingly all the time, over such stupid things! Sometimes he would admit to the lying saying , ‘I didn’t want you to be mad’ or, and this was a big one, ‘I didn’t think I was good enough for you and I wanted to sound cooler. ‘Example: He’d say he got a 85% on a test when he really got a 42%. He’d add in, “Yea, the teacher was so impressed blah blah blah”. Or, I had Mac and Cheese for lunch…she finds out from roommate later that they had spaghetti and meatballs. Or, He’d say he was leaving to go fill up with Gas. Never did, had gone to a fast food place instead.That’s one thing I might never understand. Why lie when you don’t have to and the ‘lie’ answer is NO BETTER than the real one!They had spent every extra minute they had, together and happy. He was very sweet. But, he was a bit sarcastic and sometimes things he said could come across as cocky. She started noticing these things about 3 months:He pouted: If she would ask follow up questions or call him out on a little lie he would pout. Sometimes sit on her bed on his phone for hours. She wouldn’t cave in and finally he’d make a Snyde remark maybe, “Are you EVER going to talk to me?” To which she’d tell him it was up to him, he was the one pouting.He’d get pissed at her and wouldn’t talk but she hadn’t said or done anything: one time they were at the movies; she’d been sitting in his lap and got up to go to the bathroom. (Everything good.) She came back and wanted to sit with him and he just shrugged her off. Then ignored her for rest of movie and for next 2 hours. In these situations she’d ask him what’s wrong and if he didn’t answer she wouldn’t keep asking, no chasing or begging. After hours he’d talk again, sometimes like nothing ever happened. She thinks that particular incident might have had to do with her phone. They know each other’s codes and she left her phone in her movie seat face down. It was face up when she came back. She had no clue what it could have been. She didn’t talk to any others boys (they both had agreed not to talk to opposite sex.) Never did find out what triggered him.4th of July: Week at cabin (3 months in). We all love him. I feel like my daughter is being a little rude to him at times, and that was odd. She tells me after the wknd that she saw a Snapchat come up on his phone from a girl. He kind of hid his phone to answer. This had happened previously too. She does not EVER want to be lied to. She feels like if you’re hiding your phone you have something to hide. This is the first time she gets really upset at him, and he thinks she’s going to break up with him. He swears it was questions about work. He Goes outside in middle of night for an hour to “think.” She gets past it. He deletes the girl from Snapchat says she’s a slut anyway. He posts first social media post with her about nice wknd.After the 4th of July, things go from wonderful, (except for these few little things to terrible.)He had spent every extra minute and free time with her. Usually at her apartment, but now that it was summer it changed to hanging at our house.Now he goes to his buddies cabin the next weekend, (after July 4th,) as planned. He goes with his roommates from school. Guys weekend. She Finds out before he goes the guys family who owns the cabin will be there and that includes a sister that’s Hunters age. She appreciates his honesty.He comes home from 4 days at cabin and has 3 new girls following him on Social media. She asks how he knows them. He tells her that the sister had some friends up for the wknd and the one guys roommate had his girlfriend. Hmm, she wasn’t ever invited. He tells her it wasn’t that fun anyway.After boys weekend, he spends a few days at our house. Goes bizerk on her. He first tells us his parents won’t let him stay over. They live 20 minutes away, neighboring town. Told Britta that over and over that his parents just don’t like it.Then all of a sudden he can! This had been going on since June. Anyway, comes straight from buddies cabin to our house. So happy to see Britt. Nightfalls. They are snuggling in her room. They are both on their phones but he’s looking at her Instagram post. He sees an old bf of Britta’s liked the picture (actually not even a bf but a good guy friend that she’d had a crush on in that first college she was at.) He starts asking all kinds of questions about him and then asks what they’d done physically.Time goes by. They are fine. He goes back to a different post that the same friend commented on. Comment was “We all miss you!”He slides out from being next to her and then jumps off the bed falling to the floor. He starts pounding his fists and yelling, “No, No!” . Britt tried to ask what’s wrong but he won’t say. He is crying hysterically, and keeps pounding his fists. Then she starts crying hysterically as well.He leaves room and calls a guy friend (she hears him). He says she did XYZ with this guy at her first school. Friend says, “It was before she knew you, right?”. Hunter says yea, and friend tells him to “Get over it!.”He goes in her room after a couple hours and says he’s so so sorry.Breaks down. He’s never done this before…always been very cool and put together. Says he’s never had experience with a girl and doesn’t even know how to handle that another boy has even touched her. It drives him crazy.Tells her he’s not good enough for her. He says she should dump him and go for the friend from first college. She’s thinking to herself…I don’t even think about this guy…this is CRAZY! *The guy from other school is a D1 athlete, smart, adorable, outgoing, honest and he cared about Britta but he knew he didn’t want to be in a long term relationship because of traveling for his sport. They did kiss at a party once. So they continued to be friends, (he’d gone out with other girls,) and they SnapChatted until she started dating Hunter. And she was fine with that, (stopping communication.) They never talked. But he would “like” her pictures. That’s it. But she understood jealousy. She got over stuff and tried not to let things get to her but she didn’t like girls talking to him either. So she actually liked that they made the rule not to talk to opposite sex over social media.He then cries and tells her about how his dad had beat him as a kid, his family hates him. He hates his whole family. Britt thought his dad was very rude and scary. They did talk very sarcastically to each other and at one point Hunters dad called him a “Fucking lazy ass,” in front of Britt when talking about him getting a second job.He says he’d had anorexia, had to go to counseling for anger problems, joked about wanting to try steroids, then says he got a sample (steroids,)from a friend,and then that he was kidding. This is when he confesses about all the college stuff, never went to those schools. He was trying to impress her. He tells her he actually didn’t do very well in high school. He was an athlete in high school. He played Hockey and Football. I’ve seen the pictures…He tells her he made up so much because he’s sure she wouldn’t have dated him based on who he really is..it broke her heart.They work it out and Britta decides to give him the benefit of the doubt.I’m not as smitten. I tell her From this point on I’m done with giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m very leery and express that to Britt; especially as the month goes on. I had never dealt with anything remotely like this before.She makes the mistake of telling him that she told me about the flip out incident. He is so embarrassed that he refuses to come over. He walks to back of house and goes in through her window to avoid me. After a week I get annoyed. Man up! If he did something stupid, apologize, do better, and MOVE ON.Side note# 1Britta shares with me that he’s VERY insecure with himself. He wants validation from her ALL the time. He also, after perhaps talking to me for awhile, he would ask her over and over if I liked him. And if I gave him a compliment, he repeated it to her over and over. I made fun of him for Drinking Diet Coke one night (earlier in relationship,) and make a big deal how Diet Pepsi is SO much better. Britta said he instantly switched to Diet Pepsi.Side note # 2Hunter is very jealous. She first noticed it about a month after they started dating. She was going to meet some of his friends for the first time. She had on a top that was cut off right above her jean waistline, so maybe 1/2” of her midriff showed but probably only if she leaned the right way. He asked her,“You’re going to wear that?” “I don’t like you showing skin…that’s for me only.”Britta told me she laughed it off and did not change. He moved on and was fine. But then it progressed to where they might argue over it.Once she was going to a party at her girlfriends apartment (she’s in her sport), and she tried to connect with those girls and guys thinking she’d have a lot in common. She invited Hunter but he got pouty and said he didn’t want to go because he knew no one. He kept hinting she should just stay back at his place with his roommates. But she wanted to go.She did look GORGEOUS that night. She had on black leggings and this fitted textured top that had some cut outs around the stomach area, (tiny cut-outs.) She sent me a picture of herself because she rarely felt cute, and she ACTUALLY felt good about herself.Side note: This whole dressing thing is almost comical. She is very modest in how she dressed. If ‘slutty’ is a 10 and 1 is a Nun, she’s about a 4 .No joke, compared to girls her age she keeps it covered.It was agreed if she was going to go he’d drive her and pick her up because she planned on drinking. It was about a 15 minute drive to friends apartment and he made the ride miserable. He asked her:“Why are you so dressed up, who are you trying to impress?”“I really don’t want you drinking looking like that. What if someone tries to rape you?!”She tells him that he can come in with her. He refuses.“Well, how long are you gonna stay?” “Should I come back in an hour?” “I wanted to drink tonight with my buddies. How long will I have to wait?”She tells him they’d talked about this numerous times and she had wanted to stay at her friends for the night but he insisted he’d pick her up, no matter how late. She says she can still stay overnight if he wants to go drink. He flips out and yells that he’s NOT leaving her there. He makes yet another comment about what she’s wearing, that she looks too “hot” and all the guys will want her. She asks him to please stop because she’s about to cry. She loves him. She would never do that. He keeps on. She cries. She yells at him and tells him he’s ruining her night. He tells her then to just stay with him and they can go cuddle…She gets pissed. Yells at him in front of her friends house. She slams car door and he says “Have fun, I love you”, all sad. She screams, “You are NOT going to ruin my night!” She gets inside and her girlfriends surround her because she’s crying. He calls and calls. And calls. She finally texts him back and starts feeling bad. She tells him to be back in 1.5 hours. So he was, and she went with him. She hasn’t gone to a party since.Hunter starts getting very rude, and mean.Almost unbelievable how after he exploded about the boy liking her Instagram post, he just flipped. Was just kind of a dink from then on. Now Britt sent me screenshots of their conversations sometimes.He also seemed very sad about his family situation. His mom would call whenever they were together and bitch at him, Britta would see this. Now, back at this time she didn’t know it, but recently she’s been around his family almost daily, for the last month. SHe actually sees how terrible they can be to him. They order him around. Whatever they tell him to do, he jumps to it. They put him down constantly. They use him like an errand boy. His much younger brother really is an amazing hockey player. His parents make comments about how he was never very good, then they laugh. Last week he bought a single serve pizza from a place where they fire it and cook it for you. He brought it home, put it in the fridge, to eat later with Britta, when she ate her salad. He opens the fridge and sees half the pizza is gone. He says, “Dad, did you eat 1/2 of my pizza?” His day says, “Yes I did, and I’m going to eat the other half too.” So Hunter just moved on and ate some Mac and cheese from a box. Britta was dumbfounded! These are the things that break your heart!Anyway, the meanest from this summer:She was excited that she’d actually gotten a new job in the afternoons to make money for school:He couldn’t believe she’d do that? When was she going to make time for him?? They would still have gotten done at same time, so it didn’t make sense. And they’d talked about it when she applied!His texts got fewer and further between each day. Sometimes just ignoring her. Before, he couldn’t wait to see her. Now he didn’t seem to care.He started making every excuse not to hang out with her. He was rude and snappy. Said he was just tired from work. They talked every day and always tried to find time to see each other but things would come up with his family that she wasn’t invited to…(bbq’s, events watching brothers sport.) When she confronted him he said he was tired from work. (He was the best worker and everyone needed him, very demanding—-according to him.)He spent the next SIX weekends promising to spend time with her. Instead things would come up: old friend wanted to see him from the University. So he visited the same school where 4 high school friends lived, every weekend for six weeks. She only got to meet these 4 lifelong friends at the very beginning of their relationship. Before this 6 week clip of time, they spent every single weekend together. Maybe 16–18 thus far. She’d confront him and he’d act like she was making stuff up..he always made time for her…what was she talking about?He came over from a weekend at the U, ready to spend a Sunday afternoon with her. This was maybe end of July. She tried to get in his phone when he was in bathroom to leave a silly message , (they always did this , steal phone, mess up wording on something then the person would find it later.), and she couldn’t get in. Her code had been taken out, and fingerprint changed. She let it go that day but then brought it up a few days later. He said a girlfriend of his guy friend at the U (lifelong friends), told him she’s SURE that Britt is in love with the friend from the first college. Britt said to him she found that interesting because the only information they know about her is what he’s shared with them. But that’s why he changed the code, he was pissed. But then He made it so she could get in again.I start really encouraging Britt to let him go. She gets mad at me and we don’t communicate very much for a few weeks. I keep my distance as she needs to figure it out without me trying to Influence her.I start to research on my own, basically through his social media. I find nothing big but a few comments he’s written in other girls’ Instagrams that could be construed as, oh, I don’t even know. They weren’t flirty but he wasn’t good friends with any of them but did know them. They were sarcastic I guess I’d say. They were on 3 different girls’, ones he knew from different avenues. These were done just a couple months after dating. Then not any more.Britt asks him about it and he’s confused why she’s asking and she tells him I found them. He hates me, I’m ruining their relationship. Refuses to come over. He’s the victim. He said he and his friends would do that as a pastime, for fun. She asked him if she should do that then? He then apologized and said he finally gets it. But he will not come to our house at all after this, and makes it very clear to Britta he doesn’t like me.I tell Britta if she wants to tell me stuff, that’s great and I’d like to help if I can but I don’t need to know everything. I really advise her to stop telling Hunter any opinion I might have on something. She always uses her own thoughts and values , but needs to just leave me out of it. She agreed and says he gets 3 times angrier if he thinks I said something negative about him.He also:Lies about work. He might skip for the day and tell Britt they called him and said they don’t need him. Or say training was happening at some weird ass spot, which I said made no sense. They have each other’s locations on their phone. So he’d be where he said he was gonna be but I don’t think for the purpose he said. Then he’d say he was only gonna work ‘these three days’ but then all of a summer it’s every day and many evenings stays longer than his hours. He would say they needed him to stay but he sure didn’t get paid for those hours. That job was at a big Sports complex that basically hired 100 16–20 year olds to work there.Flunked out of school. He first let us know he was a scholar. Then come to find out he was on ‘Academic Probation’ at his college. Gets kicked out so this year is at a community college. He tells her this at the big breakdown earlier.She asks if they’re going to meet up today? (Just random days this summer). They’d had plans to…she asks by afternoon when she hasn’t heard from him and he texts back, “I’ll let you know.” Keeps her waiting for hours. May or may not see her.3. He says he’s been going to counseling for the past year and he says he’s on antidepressants. (Britt was trying to encourage him to go to counseling for his lying.) Well, he was never on antidepressants or going to counseling, which he did finally admit to.This goes on all of July and August. I’m seeing these ridiculously mean texts and my daughter has lost her fight.Once this happens I get really scared. She is usually so stubborn and fiesty that it breaks me to see her like this.St this point She does whatever she can to avoid conflict. If he decides to spend one hour with her and it’s great? She’s fine. Meaning, she’s now stopped fighting, and questioning even if what he’s saying is a blatant lie.In between all the rudeness she finally decides she really is going to break up with Hunter. She gets ok with that idea, and then he picks up on her distancing herself and does something nice.She decides to “wait” and see how it goes. This was a HORRIBLE time. He might be mean for 4 days and come spend an afternoon with her being nice, and then she’s ok. He asks her to do favors like making his favorite dessert or go picking him up food because he’s “so exhausted.” She started looking worn out, stressed and unhealthy.The end of August comes and he goes back to school before she does. This next month is the worst for my daughter. They had agreed she was going along and help him move stuff in his new apartment.He texts her, the night before and says: “my Dad and brother are coming along now with my Dads truck. My brother has to ride with me. The rest of my car will be full. So, if you want to come you need to drive by yourself.”It’s a 2 hour drive and the whole point was to spend time together! Then they were supposed to go to her apartment up there and spend the night.She tells him she’s not going unless she can ride with him. Surprisingly, he agrees. His family was still going but then the two of them could spend the night at her apartment, his family would go home. Next day they go up and it’s ok, he’s just crabby. But she’s used to that. They unload all the stuff and his family leaves. After that, he tells her his dad told him he needs to go home and they couldn’t spend the night at her place. So, they go home! She’s so angry and he says he has to cook burgers for a family bbq so goodbye.She finally breaks up with him. She can’t take it anymore. She’s becoming so weak and worn out looking.He cries. He pleads. He will change! He promises never to lie again! He will get help! He will do whatever necessary to prove himself!The roles start to reverse. He’s chasing her. She’s making him wait. He keeps begging and pleading.About three weeks go by and she takes him back. Now, she’s back up at school and I’m really worried about her being lonely so I just go with it. And, really, what would I do? I’m here to guide but she is 20 years old.I was also fine with this because I was SO SURE he’d screw up. Then she could be done!Over the next month, he starts making changes. While he is seemingly doing well, she progressively gets worse. Much worse. When he comes over he’s clingy. She’s not enjoying her time with him. She’s so sad. Then he’s sad. She doesn’t know how to cope. He’s trying so hard and she just doesn’t even know how to act. He’s trying too hard and it’s making her nervous. He texts her every day about his love for her. How he’s changed. He brings her coffee, she’s rude. She just finds herself being meaner and meaner to him. Then she feels guilty, because he’s SO nice. It’s too much. She can’t handle it. She said she’s anxious day and night. She’s having trouble eating.She calls me and says she’s just SO scared things are going to go back to him being mean. And she won’t be able to handle it. If he would lie to her again, she wouldn’t be able to handle it.I didn’t realize she had lost so much weight until she visits in Mid October. She tells me she needs help, she can’t get herself to eat. She just gags.She said whenever Hunter’s around she gets even worse. She becomes super self conscious about what she’s eating. She said his eating is weird, he might eat a tiny amount and then comment on how terribly full he is. She then feels weird eating. She feels like she’s being judged, she doesn’t know why. I asked her if he’s ever commented on her weight and she said , “Well, one time he commented on my thighs being big.” (Months before I guess.)My daughter was a mighty and strong athlete that could make her body perform at amazing levels. She had a perfect muscular athletic but still slim build. Now, when she walked in my house, I didn’t know who this broken girl before me was! She’d lost about 20 pounds and she didn’t have any to spare BEFORE that.We got help at an an eating disorder clinic and she came home for two weeks. Luckily it was over Thanksgiving. We had a long talk and I told her I felt like she needed to work on loving herself and then she could worry about Hunter.In 3–4 days of being home without him, it was almost like a lightness came over her. The burden was gone. She immediately put on weight and started feeling better. My goodness she looked better, that’s for sure.She FaceTimed Hunter and told him she needed to work on herself. She needed to be physically away from him. And mentally too. And he needed to keep working on himself, but do even more. She was legitimately breaking up with him.She was so much stronger when I sent her back to school 2 weeks later. She promised me she would not see Hunter. She sat down and made a more complete list of things he needed to work on, if any consideration of getting back together in the future. She made it clear that they WERE broken up and it was HIS choice if he wanted to just move on. She had come to terms with it. She honestly realized that they didn’t work the way they were currently. They both needed to work on themselves.Over weeks She shares with him all that scares her, how his being around makes her terribly anxious. How she needs to continue be alone to love herself again.He has another big crying break down because he thinks she’ll never love him again. He regroups the next day and tells her he understands and doesn’t blame her. He knows he’s been such an ass. He’s so sorry and he’s going to keep changing. To better himself. No matter what she does, he’s going to fix things because he hates the person he had become. He comes clean about other lies she’d never brought up to him.He gives her her space. Only talks to her when she asks.These are the things she’s watched him do thus far, so far from about Sept 15th-Jan 23rd .A. He did get into counseling. He goes once every other week. She sees that’s where he is, and went along once. He’s been doing that since September.B. He got on an antidepressant. She has seen the medication and he gets refills at appropriate times. Britt says she is AMAZED at the difference in him. He keeps his temper in check. Not ever once since he’s been on meds has he sent a mean text. He has gotten upset but they’ve talked it through. Subsequently, she’s been on the same medication for two months and is amazed at how much it’s helped her as well.C.This one shocks me: She broke up with him so she told him she was turning off her sharing location with him( she did), and changed her passcode. She told him she would be Snapchatting anyone she wants. This includes boys if she chooses. (She doesn’t of course.)He hasn’t said anything at all. He just keeps asking her if she’s ‘sure’ that he can have a chance to do the right thing. He continues to share his location with her and tells her at ANY time if she wants to looks through his phone she can and he won’t be upset. She does.D. He worked on, and wrote up a huge list of Goals. He also has “tips” that she’s given him to help him stay on task. He has them hung up around his room . And notes about ways to show Britta how much he loves her, while still giving her space.E. He’s gotten good grades this Semester at school. He’s in a whole new Community College. First time ever. His parents called HER to thank her for helping him with so many things -schooling, medication, counseling.F. He has Quit Drinking. I didn’t even mention this but when she met him he drank a fair amount each day. That’s mostly what his friends do. Since he’s been on the meds he hasn’t drank.G. He FaceTimes her every day. He asks her on a lot of dates.H. He has not been allowed in her apartment since they broke up (almost 4 months now.) She got her key back, gave him back all the items he had at her apartment.I. He knows if he wants to see her that he has invite her over to his place. Almost daily now, for about 2 months she goes to his place around 4–5pm, they do homework, eat dinner, hang out with his roommates. She leaves to go back to her apartment at 10:00pm. This is very different. He never wanted to be at his place or around his roommates before. I believe he has finally decided it is “ok” to be the ‘not so exciting’ Hunter. That’s who Britta loves. The guy who’s vulnerable. Not perfect. But sweet and loving. And she hasn’t been anxious with him.J. He does all kinds of sweet things. He buys her flowers, he writes her notes, they created a list together of outings’ they want to go on together. A few days ago he made a ‘scavenger hunt ‘, with a hand drawn map of his lake with clues at each destination. She had to ice skate to different parts of his lake (at parents house,) and find the different treasures. There were little things she liked: candy, gum, flowers. He brings her her favorite coffee to her car in-between classes. He’s not over the top though and gives her her space. He doesn’t know where she is all the time. He’s been very good with that.K. Since they were both home for a month for Xmas break she went to his house in the evenings. He was embarrassed of the the way his parents treated him and didn’t want her to know. She’s been so comforting to him but at the same time letting him know HE chooses his future no matter how his parents might be. She’s gotten to know them a lot better. Although she doesn’t love them, she can tolerate them and isn’t afraid of them like she previously was. She can see where some of his tendencies had come from (being sarcastic, rude, demanding.) I guess both his parents are like that. He’s been able to separate through counseling that that’s not normal or acceptable. He didn’t know any better because HE DIDNT KNOW HOW to deal with these situations any other way. That’s what he saw every day.L. He understands he did many things to make himself ‘untrustworthy.’ He knows he must continue to grow over time and they will see where it goes.She has never lied to him or done anything to prove herself untrustworthy. He is starting to understand what he was letting go.I feel Like perhaps she is finally believing in herself again. I hope she continues to grow. I hope Hunter does as well. I’m so scared for her because I know chances are very slim that he won’t mess up, but she wants to give him the chance.My hope and prayer is that if, he screws up that Britta can end it and break ALL contact.Is she wrong for wanting to help him? And for giving this one more try?Believe me, I’ve had the same thoughts…one more try? Humph. But then the other side of me, that’s probably even bigger says ‘man, I can see why she loves him’. …I want it to work for her too.In part that’s what this is…so IF this goes bad in the next couple months, she can re-read her story and SEE the negative things that he’s done, and so that NOW ; SHE CAN LET GO.There just comes a point in everyone’s life where enough is enough.With her strength, character and courage mixed with OUR support and encouragement, I know she can!You reading this, acknowledging her story and that she matters, will mean the world to her.Thank you so much !