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Well, you're certainly not the first man to be in this position, and my heart goes out to you. Almost universally, in every American state,a child born in a marriage is automatically (as you have found out) the child of the husband.I actually had the opposite heartache. Me and my baby's mom weren't married, my daughter needed a compatible liver transplant, the mom wouldn't allow it, and I had NO legal rights to request or force it because I was presumed NOT to be the father because I was NOT married. My daughter almost died after receiving an incompatible liver. Our laws make sense on paper, but you can look and say “oh that makes sense” but then there's the 7 or 8 percent of the time where situations are totally backwards:A guy gets cheated on and the state is like pay child support for your son, deadbeat. A child is in a life or death situation and the mother is going after a multi million dollar medical malpractice settlement. Sure, I could have donated but the mom would have to have agreed I was the father-and then I automatically would have been noticed in the settlement and gotten half the pain and suffering money.Sure, MOST of the time, it makes all the sense in the world to say, they're married, that's his kid, he has legal rights, and if the marriage ends, both rights and responsibilities. MOST of the time, a child born out of wedlock your going to say well sure the mother has sued no one for paternity, no man has proven he's the dad (I did Sue but the mother refused to comply with the court DNA test until she got her millions in another court) so therefore no man should have visitation or any other rights unless and until… and that also works great MOST of the time until you get a surgeon in a white coat standing there telling you we have no compatible liver, you've said you'll donate, we think it's her only best chance… and the mother prevents you with attorneys. Had been there since birth, VOLUNTARILY paid child support, and in a day (after the doctors accidentally sliced my daughter's liver in a surgery), everything changed. I had no actual legal rights.So, brother, I get you and I totally understand the feeling of anger and powerlessness. In my case, I was going to go up against a woman who had tons of money. Hiring an attorney wasn't going to be an option for me. I would never be able to match dollar for dollar in a war of attrition. But I cared about my kid and any mom who could make that decision needed to be kept in check. What would prevent her from, as the years go by, denying medical care to inherit daughter's part of the settlement ($4,000,000)? I was going to have to go to de facto law school, study my ass off at the local library, and become an attorney like my daughter's life depended on it, because it did. And that's exactly what I did! I also never lost, so I'm pretty well qualified to answer your question. They spent over $100,000 on their supposedly bulldog attorney. THE MAN NEVER BEAT ME IN A MOTION HEARING!! Not once, not ever. He had tons of clients. I just had one. There was no limit to the amount of time and preparedness I could devote to that one client. He was time limited and kept overlooking me because I was just a simpleton, a pro se non attorney. What foolish pretense! I literally had nothing to do for years other than study law and figure how to win this one case! He of course had to know what his client had done! How foolish to underestimate a father who watches all that at the hospital and listened to the ex Brag about getting rich when the child dies! It was a crucial miscalculation. I'm not nearly as dumb as I look ha ha ha…So here's the deal. You have a couple options. First of all, you could win the custody case outright in ANY state, take custody of the child and be like ok, cool, I'm raising my son. Of course, she would owe you child support. This is not a do it yourself legal project unless you're crazy like I'm crazy. But here's the strategy of this approach: Who's this not going to set well with? Both the real Father AND your ex wife, the mother, who will also be none too happy about paying child support. What this means is that in a period of days and weeks, not months and years, after you win custody, one or the both of them will sue you (and, in an amusing twist, if they aren't together anymore, file third party cross claims against each other while you sit back and laugh) and in doing this they will both HAVE TO allege you're not the father and they'll have to move to compel a DNA test and therefore nullify your parentage. Of course, when you're winning the custody case, you NEVER bring that up. The reason for this is going to depend on your jurisdiction how reversible the parentage is and since you didn't provide your state, I can't make 100% true statements because it's going to matter if you live in Virginia, Florida, or California. But the basic strategy would be to win a typical custody case, never mention you're not really the father, and either let your ex try to move to compel a DNA test in the confines of that case or go to round two. Let the people with an actual vested interest turn around and Sue to reverse this. (In a couple states, if I recall, you wouldn't have the standing to nullify but the biological father or other interested aka your ex, would. There's some backwards shit in some states.When you have two parties petitioning to invalidate your parentage, then it can be nullified. Your ex will probably be under legal advice not to mention the DNA when you win custody because her and her lawyer will both think she's going to **** you on child support. That's why this strategy ONLY works if you win. To do this way, you MUST win. That means if your ex is actually a decent human being aside from being a cheat-but she's an ok parent- it will be extremely difficult to exceed 50/50. However, I don't know anything about your ex wife other than she's a dishonest cheat. Is she a dishonest cheat with a nasty Crystal meth addiction who was once arrested for DUI with a minor child in the car? Now, we're talkin baseball. Point is this strategy can ONLY possibly work if your chance of winning outright is greater than 85%. Again, depending on the state, that may not matter because you may be able to lose AND then file and initiate a subsequent action to nullify on DNA. You may be able to have it both ways. I just don't know where you are.In SOME BUT NOT ALL states, you can file a petition yourself to quash false parentage via DNA in the context of martial infidelity. That is to say despite being married, they're are jurisdictions that DNA automatically overrides any presumed martial obligations. You run into problems in the Bible belt because they're can be a presumption that marriage trumps all because everyone fears Jesus and no one ever cheats, and anyway he forgives soon and that's your blessing and responsibility. There are some whack laws I've read, and precedent setting court decisions.The reason I didn't suggest this-petitioning to nullify your own paternity- first is because I don't know where you are and this remedy isn't available to you in every single US state. Ideally, this isn't a do it yourself legal project either. I don't know your financial situation and there are staggering differences between being in a Commonwealth state (VA,MA,PA,KY), being in the only state based on the FRENCH not the British judicial system (LA), or being in a very liberal state (WA, NY, CA), versus a republican or super Evangelical state (TX, MS, GA, WY). So there are a lot of moving parts here and variables that change everything.I've tried to kind of share my experience with you and offer some really outside the box legal strategies. Your next, best, and absolutely necessary move is go to a couple legal consultations- free 30 minutes at many family law practices. You'll be able to talk to a member of the bar (not an ad hoc pro per commando like myself ha ha) who is well versed in the nuances of your states laws for situations like yours. Take heart, this has happened millions of times. There's a lot of case law precedent for it. Fighting my case I would stumble upon these cases and occasionally read them since I had the exact same problem only 180 degrees total opposite in reverse. That's how I know there are pretty major variances between the states. But take heart: This has been adjudicated literally everywhere by now so you aren't going to be the poor SOB who was on multiple appeals to be the guy that created your states disposition on this. There is some law, both statutory and case law that governs your exact situation by 2019, no matter where you live.My heart goes out to you and I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Divorce is hard enough by itself. Been there too.But keep your head about you and make cold, calculating legal decisions, and please heed my advice on getting some consultations with guys and girls who know exactly what your state does, here. As a point of encouragement for you, this child that the doctors said would not survive eight years ago, and the well funded mother who would never run out of attorney money are both doing well. My daughter enjoys staying with me and we had a great time at the playground, then Jersey Mike's yesterday. I didn't win full custody, but I won a damn lot of it. Since the days of the botched transplant and such, I have represented myself repeatedly. Multiple restraining order efforts (have won in both a standard Federal rules of civil procedure state-Florida AND a Commonwealth state-Virginia!) I have successfully defensed criminal charges (two felonies-Florida, actual outcome guilty of six misdemeanors, no additional jail time, was facing ten years, and a West Virginia misdemeanors totally dismissed) and where this was all born was of necessity.I tell you this to encourage you thus: Do not ever believe you can't win. I'm not going to tell you that you're not in a crap legal position. You are. How crap it is depends on what state you live in. However, for a man who never went to law school, I think you can agree that by any standards, my story is pretty incredible. It would have been easy to listen to the countless voices: Oh, you're screwed, just walk away, she won't live anyway, oh dude you're gonna get ten years, forget it, take the prosecutor 3 year plea. All the while I never gave up. I damn sure wasn't going to plea to a crime I didn't-and couldn't have possibly- committed. And I wasn't writing a sick child off like a loss carry forward in an LLC.I'll leave you with what my motto was that carries me through the hardest times of my personal war. It's from US General Patton. Here's the quote: “You are not defeated until you admit it.”So it is, my brother! So it is!Godspeed,Eric E. Moore, II.

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Make the programs more rigorous. Criminal justice is the new physical education. Up until the 1970s or so, college athletes who didn't have the intellectual wherewithal to do college-level coursework would major in physical education. The curriculum was loaded with courses like "Theory of Basketball" and "Resistance Exercise," which were taught mainly by the team coaches and didn't require attendance, much less any actual reading or writing. Then, some real physical education experts got into it and added courses like Anatomy and Physiology, Nutrition, and Kinesiology, and stuff got real. Fortunately, criminal justice programs were expanding around that time, as there was big time federal money available to allow cops to take those courses. The federal money ran out in the late 1970s. Many of the original CJ courses were taught by cops who had bachelor's or (rarely) master's degrees, and consisted largely of War Story 101.The proliferation of online and for-profit schools has added to the CJ program glut, and at the same time made them even easier than they used to be. Colleges have learned that if a program is too challenging, many students will simply transfer to one where they don't have to work so hard. The idea isn't to actually learn anything, but to get the piece of paper that they believe will entitle them to a wonderful, exciting, well-paid job.Programs need to be more rigorous to weed out the people who have not thought through the requirements for the job, and to better prepare people for productive careers.Require academic core courses to be completed first. I taught mainly at junior/community colleges and third-tier four-year colleges where the admissions bar was not set especially high. Over 95% of our students were required to take and pass one or more remedial courses in English and math before they could even attempt the college-level courses in the same subjects, which were required for graduation.As their academic adviser, I would sign them up for the remedial courses in math and English, and those would be the first ones they wanted to drop. They thought that completing just the CJ courses was going to prepare them for careers.At the same time, these students could take the entire offering of CJ courses, even though they were not able to do college-level work. They could not do a proper research paper, as they didn't know what one looked like, and their concept of "research" was typing a few terms into Google. I had a choice: I could dumb down the courses to a level they could complete, or I could become very unpopular and keep the courses at a college level of performance, which caused many students to fail. Of those that passed, many would not understand the concepts of the course for many years, if ever. I went for the latter option, which explains in part why I'm not teaching anymore. I refused to compromise on quality so I would be a more popular instructor. I've heard from quite a few former students over the years. When the one who have careers in criminal justice reach out to me, they usually say something like, "I hated your class while I was in it, but now I know how important it was."If students were required to complete any remedial classes and gained the capacity for college-level work before they attempted their CJ courses, the courses would be more meaningful and useful.Include a physical conditioning program. I have seen many, many students think they were going to have great law enforcement careers, only to realize they had physical shortcomings they were never going to overcome. Obese students would tell me, "I'm going to lose the weight when I graduate." They seldom did, and wasted their time getting the CJ degree. If you want to be a cop, learn that it requires being in good physical shape. If you don't want to do the physical conditioning portion, you can still major in CJ, but only by signing an acknowledgement that you will probably never get a job in that field.Provide realistic career counseling. Most of my college teaching was in the 1990s. At the time, TV programs featuring criminal profilers (from the FBI and otherwise) were very popular. One of them (Profiler (TV Series 1996–2000)) centered on a beautiful FBI agent/psychologist who worked on the "Violent Crimes Task Force." Much like the current TV show Criminal Minds (TV Series 2005– ), members of the VCTF spent their days flying to high-profile, seemingly unsolvable crime scenes in a business jet that was reserved for their use, and typically had the bad guy dead or in jail within two or three days. In the meantime, the title character was being stalked by a master criminal that had thwarted the VCTF's efforts for several years, and who wanted very much to capture her and kill her slowly. To offset this, the FBI furnished her with a secret, ultra-high security apartment hidden above a fire station, where she and her daughter had happy times together.Largely because of this and similar programs, most of my female CJ students were determined to become profilers for the FBI. I told them repeatedly that the job described in the TV show does not exist, not in the FBI or anywhere else. This did not deter them. Most of them never went into law enforcement, much less the FBI.TV and the movies have always been a driver of career aspirations. Top Gun (1986) was a great recruiting tool for the Navy. The California Highway Patrol saw a surge in applications during the run of CHiPs (TV Series 1977–1983), where the guns never left the holsters and motor cops could ride all day in the sun and still have perfectly coiffed hair when they took off their helmets. People are always going to be inspired to careers by entertainment programs portraying one profession or another. In criminal justice, it's easy enough to explain what the real career situation is like. That ought to be a required course before one is allowed to declare a major.Require a background investigation, at least as a part of career counseling. Changing culture has indoctrinated many present-day students with a sense that there are an unlimited number of "do-overs" for any life event. I have had students ask me questions like, "How many times can you be arrested for stealing a car before you can't be a U.S. Marshal?" I had the impression he thought he might be able to get in a few more joyrides before he applied.Depending on the locale, some agencies disqualify more applicants than they accept for derogatory information that comes out of a background investigation. Bad driving records, negative credit histories, recent or habitual drug and alcohol use, brushes with the law the applicant didn't think anyone would find out about, poor work habits, and other issues cause otherwise qualified applicants to get the "thanks, but no thanks" letters from prospective law enforcement employers. Everyone seems to think they can either get some prior bad act past the background investigator (they do this for a living, and have seen most of the scams), or that their prior transgression will be miraculously forgiven.I had a student who had been laid off from a factory job, and was using her retraining stipend to get a CJ degree so she could work as a correctional officer. She seemed capable of doing that job, and I wondered why she wasn't working as a CO someplace, as the state was pumping out a new class of 60 or so COs every three weeks (turnover was very high). I then learned she had several DUI convictions on her record, the most recent only the previous year. She appeared to believe that these would somehow go away and all would be golden. It was never going to happen.If someone wants to major in criminal justice for their own edification, interest, knowledge, whatever, that's fine with me and everyone else I know. If they have an unrealistic belief they will get a job in criminal justice despite a disqualifying background, they should be told this early on. I would go so far as to require anyone who was going to be disqualified to sign a disclosure form, acknowledging that their studies were purely academic, and would not realistically lead to gainful employment.