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This question has a lot of really good insightful answers to it already (that are much more concise!), but I’ll throw my hat in here since I’m wounded and freshly healing from exposing a malignant narcissist. I think the question is a bit loaded (“would they try to verify your suspicion and how” is too focused — I recommend the moderator truncate).This is quite long — and about my experience exposing a malignant Narc boss without meaning to— so if you’re not interested in reading, I understand. If you are, hope you’ve got a mug of tea to sip because this will be a few minutes. Editorially, I gave myself the wide berth to get winded here because the devil is in the little details over time (I didn’t provide them all because this is quite lengthy already), especially when you’re dealing with a Narc who presents a front for strategic purposes and plays the long game. There’s a reason why these people can rope you in and seem normal at first — and throughout your experience with them — while you overlook the red flags or take their behavior personally without knowing why or feeling bad about it. Narcs tend to use the same template with everyone, but they feel you out in various ways to figure out how to customize that template in order to identify your strengths/weaknesses, exploit you through them, and manipulate others (who’ve also been inventoried for various purposes).I’ve only known one malignant Narc (as far as I know) from a non-romantic relationship that I’ve written about a little bit here on Quora years ago, by observing the more famous ones (like the current POTUS or former Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes) from an impersonal distance, and continuing to monitor this topic online, which has exploded in popularity. I’m a bit worried people are misappropriating this term to anyone that hurts them or rubs them the wrong way — it’s de rigeur these days. I hope I’m not doing that below.Recently, I got fired and pushed out of my job due to a malignant narcissistic customer boss. My life has been forever changed as a result. You’ll meet people throughout life whom you won't always jive with, who’ll skip a few times like a small pebble across your pond, but a malignant narc is more like a boulder that causes a huge splash, large waves, and maybe crushes a few fish in the process.At the job I was just fired from in a career-ending manner (that also left me with physician-diagnosed PTSD that I now take medication for) — where I worked a little over a year on two separate occasions (I quit/left and then got hired back by a new company to return) — I got roped in yet again by one of these disordered people and nearly destroyed. I haven’t been able to find work since and now wear the scarlet badge of shame as a “mentally disabled” person.In spite of enlightenment through therapy (over several years), a much more reserved approach to people as a result, reading a lot on this topic, and trying to heal for many years, I’ve realized these folks cannot be avoided and you can be easily ensnared by their facades in spite of all your education or how you’ve been broken in in the past. You learn in therapy about boundaries, but those will be difficult to establish or enforce in a work setting characterized by an imbalanced power dynamic capstoned by narcissistic leadership and those who enable it (for different reasons). If you don’t encounter a narc (or malignant narc) through a friendship, family tie, or romantic relationship, you will encounter one of these most likely through another social setting like the workplace, church, or sports team where a real or perceived hierarchy sets the structure to interpersonal dynamics.There’s a lot of research and material on the web about narcissistic leaders and why narcs tend to be promoted into high status positions — they are more motivated to go after them because they are hungry for power, control, and status.At first, I liked my former Narc boss and thought we’d get along quite well. I’ll do the military thing and create an acronym to refer to her thoughout: Angry Midget Boss Ever Raging (AMBER). Before I was hired, AMBER was previously the team leader (program manager or PM) on my government contracting team (the supplier), but she applied for — and got — a high level GS-14 civilian position (a promotion), so she went over to the customer side on the government. Good for her, you’d think at face value. Whenever I’ve seen that happen in the past, the former contractor/new “customer” was usually great to work with because they were empathetic to the experience of being on the other side (contractors get few rights, no job security, and must perform quickly and to great results to prevent the contracting company from losing the contract and the windfall of cash that comes along with it). Former contractors who’ve become government customers or leaders, in my past experience, were usually highly successful in creating the basis of a very successful relationship with good relations between the two parties — supplier and customer. That requires empathy and expert interpersonal skills.The company people who interviewed me warned me that AMBER was a “difficult customer,” and they would “do anything to avoid her,” — yes, they admitted to this me right up front — but I shrugged that off before I accepted the job, citing that I’d worked with many of those in the past and never had a problem. In fact, I won over some of those folks and found that they were not so bad, they were simply challenging and helped me (and receptive others) to grow professionally. That’s how I responded to the interview question about how I’d feel about working for a difficult customer and what my response would be.“She’s also a micromanager.” I thought, “Oh well, I’ll just make sure to keep her in the loop, and once she sees that I’m a hard worker who’s responsive and eager to learn, she’ll learn to trust me more.” (Heh!!!) I needed the job, was qualified for it, and took it. People in the environment made sideways looks, raised eyebrows when I was new. “Oh, you have to work for AMBER? I feel sorry for you!” As a woman, I thought this was maybe just a sexist, jealous response to a woman in power who sounded like she was highly qualified to obtain her position, and I wasn’t going to participate in calling her “a bitch” because she was in a higher position and demanded great results. I shrugged everything off. Does an empath ever learn? Similar to a narc, it’s hard to not take things personally (at least for me).AMBER was nice in the first few months of my job, asking me personal questions (as if to get to know me), giving me the up-and-down and remarking on my appearance (wondering if I was single and looking for any romantic prospects — I said I was not. “But there are so many eligible men here in the Pentagon and you’re still young and attractive!”). Read up on love-bombing, flattery, and why/how smear campaigns are started — narcs are both strategic and impulsive. I’d sometimes pop into her office to give a quick update, and try to get to know her. We’d chat about her through emblems in her office that I pointed out — a banner of her hometown’s football team, pictures of her teenage son from a previous marriage, whom she stated she adored even if he was “autistic.” She didn’t ask much about me as a person, though (about my hobbies or family).I made friends with a male peer coworker on my new team who was really nice, a hard worker, and highly valued by AMBER (for good reason), but I was taken aback by some of his comments about her, whom he mutually “adored.” He was smart and well-liked by everyone, so I trusted him (and still do). He familiarized me with a bunch of her preferences people had to follow, or quirks that characterized her personally, in order to make her happy:“We’re not allowed to take lunch away from our desks in case she needs something, and never for more than 30 minutes.”“We’re not allowed to do casual Fridays around here.”“We’re never allowed to work from home under any circumstances.”“She wants you to copy her on all emails always.”“She’s very religious.”“She wants you to attend any organizational events, even if they’re voluntary, so she looks good in front of her bosses. You must make her look good to the higher ups no matter what.”Ok.Sounds like a micromanager, alright, but not the end of the world or all that striking. Still, she’s not legally or contractually authorized to dictate how people take their lunch, I thought. Additionally, most workplaces allow casual Fridays unless there’s an important meeting, visitors, or an event — that’s why we had the team calendar, no? It was odd that other personnel in the environment (on separate contracts not in her domain, as well as government folks) were allowed to have casual Friday or take lunches however they liked. Nonetheless, I complied obediently. Nothing really stood out to me (and wouldn’t for quite a while).AMBER told my corporate PM what a good job I was doing in the first few months. My PM said she was really pleased with my work, he was pleased that I was helping to take things off his plate, and we were performing well on behalf of our company, even though the turnover rate on the team was historically high for a small team. One female coworker ghosted the team completely just days after I started with only a 3-month tenure (we never knew why). I got a great 90-day review, “Great hire!” which felt good and gave me the confidence I would perform well on this contract and under its leadership.Our team helped to elevate AMBER’s specific task of creating and operationalizing a governance structure with enterprise forums regarding our specific portfolio, reporting on highly visible compliance statistics (for which she was ultimately held accountable by Army leadership), and providing necessary training for those in the field who were charged with maintaining the quality of system records in order to achieve 100% compliance across the enterprise. Our commander, her immediate boss, popped into our working area now and then to tell us to keep up the great work (he is awesome and well-respected by many). It’s hard for me to explain simply, but basically, she was in charge of ensuring US Army IT compliance through laws, regulation, and policy (LRP) enterprise-wide from a very visible command underneath (and answerable to) the Army’s Chief Information Officer. Our job was to help with these efforts.The months rolled on. We added a couple more people to the team to backfill and expand. We hired one team member who was a real dud (didn’t work her hours, didn’t do her work while present, and was conspicuously unprofessional — making lots of loud personal calls throughout the day, complaining about how much she hated the new job and everyone there). That created strain. The work piled onto me and another former coworker hired shortly after her, producing fatigue, resentment, and interpersonal strain. My former (more reliable) coworker and I helped each other out. I took on some of the problematic coworker’s work in addition to mine, and once, I helped the other good coworker with a large matrix involving the analysis of 600+ systems for their level of compliance within a specific area of focus because he was also taking on some of the PM’s tasks while he’d be out on a week’s vacation. The matrix was daunting for me (this was a stretch role for me as a writer becoming an analyst), but I followed my PM’s instructions while he was out, had my work peer-reviewed, and shared the results with the entire team, copying AMBER (as she wished with everything). At a later meeting in which my PM asked about the matrix and I was prepared to discuss the work and the results, AMBER said, “I don’t trust that work” in front of the team. Dead stop. I worked on it exclusively for a whole week according to the PM’s detailed instructions and had it checked by peers. My heart sunk, and I never learned what issues she had with the product, so I got no feedback about any errors, means of collecting the data, or presenting it (non-constructive feedback, they call it).Also while the PM was out, AMBER asked the underperforming coworker and I (both females) to put together a birthday party for AMBER’s favorite subordinate, another older, much respected female coworker who’d been with her on the original team when AMBER was the lead on the supplier side. I did not like that this powerful woman in a high visibility role was being very sexist by making female subordinates do this feel-good, housework. I told AMBER that LRP (AFARS, in particular) states government employees are not to task contracting subordinates in the accomplishment of personal favors or the expenditure of their own money to fulfill personal requests. AMBER said she wouldn’t be happy if we didn’t comply. Well, we did — and I reported this to my PM when he got back from vacation — but, we were never compensated for spending our own money and time fulfilling this request, nor was the gesture appreciated. Still not a red flag. I thought maybe I was just being a sourpuss or not a good team player to push back on the original request. Still, it was unusual we didn’t celebrate anyone else’s birthday on the team. That was really the PM’s choice, not the customer’s, since she was not our boss, technically (he was).The older female coworker was one of our most valuable people. I have a high amount of respect for this lady’s work ethic, but she has no backbone. In spite of outstanding work — anybody would be happy to hire her in a more positive environment where she’d get more seniority and better pay, better treatment — she learned to survive AMBER by playing the duteous sycophant. This lady would round up people from their cubes when small events would be going on that we could opt out from (perhaps because some of us were overloaded from work), but AMBER conditioned her over the years to strong-arm others because the risk of displeasing AMBER would mean all hell would break loose, I would later realize. This senior coworker mostly buried her head in her work and didn’t socialize with the team much, as she tried to uphold high demands that took AMBER’s crazy-making preferences into account, often working late into the evening on many occasions.A couple of my reliable coworkers (the first friend I made that told me about her preferences, then the other hired a couple months after me that asked me to help with the matrix) quit within months of my start. The former felt his career was stalling in spite of 2 years of excellent performance and high marks (in fact, I originally interviewed for his job, but he ultimately decided to stay, only to ultimately vacate the position a couple months later, but I’d accepted one of the other roles as an analyst instead). The latter was smart enough to see how toxic this place was and immediately looked for something better.Although I got excellent feedback through formal channels (even though my work like the difficult matrix was overlooked), I started to resent the amount of work I trudged through to pick up the slack left by the departed coworkers while AMBER increasingly snubbed my work or ignored it. I was directed by the PM to schedule meetings regarding my work for both review and to create a plan for forthcoming efforts, but AMBER cancelled every single one — we tried repeatedly (about 4 times within a month’s time frame, carefully reviewing her schedule for openings before creating the invites) before the PM said, “Let’s just give up on this effort for now.” AMBER was nice to my face (sort of) throughout this time, and I continued to get good feedback from the PM, so I was confused about why my work was being snubbed and I was being painted as not a “team player” by my company. The problematic coworker forwarded an email I wrote her, stating she had to work her hours and contribute to the team just like the rest of us were expected to (I was overloaded with analysis while she’d surf Facebook and then chat loudly on the phone about what she saw on FB). She forwarded that to corporate and claimed I was “bullying” her, so that put a whole spoke into our wheels that further complicated the dynamics on the team. I was not found guilty, but I was treated like I was for the remainder of the time I spent on this contract by the corporate supplier-side management (all male).When women do not get along, men are quick to explain there’s a “personality issue,” — it often uncovers their own unconscious biases against successful women and issues they’ve got with the women’s personalities. I noted earlier above that I resisted early efforts to view the Narc boss as a problematic woman undeserving of her job because I’ve seen that repeatedly throughout my career and had similar comments made about me behind my back. I’ve seen many an undeserving woman given the shaft, just because she wasn’t particularly warm, overly accommodating, modest to a fault, and committed the crime of doing an outstanding job. My first boss was like that — I’ve never found a treasure like that woman since (and I’m 40 now).I lost 15 lbs within 3 months without trying. I lost gobs of hair in the shower. I couldn’t sleep at night and was eaten up by persistent anxiety. After my most immediate reliable coworker quit after only 3 months (matrix guy) — and it was down to me and the unreliable one who’d caused so much trouble and extra work for others — I put in my 2 weeks’ notice of resignation, too. On the day I left, I said goodbye to AMBER in her office. Her only question was, “Are you leaving because of me?” What an unusual question. In hindsight, it screams “this person thinks the entire world revolves around her at all times.” The truth was, I wasn’t leaving because of her: I was leaving because my company was allowing a situation to fester by putting me in the position of doing 3 peoples’ worth of work, plus some of the PM’s, while letting that problematic coworker go undisciplined while my reputation was sullied. As long as I shut up and took the beating with a smile, the $$$ would be there for them, they assumed (and knew — let’s face it).I told AMBER, “No, I’m leaving because my health has deteriorated to the point where I am feeling very unwell [the truth], but you could try thanking the team for all its hard work.” My voice was neutral and the comment was not malicious. A person at a GS-14 level (a LT COL military equivalent), you’d think, would be able to accept that kind of comment with humility. How does a leader achieve their status without growing through teachable moments? If you read between the lines, it meant that her good opinion or constructive feedback (shared now and then) was valuable to team morale — most people on that team worked very hard to please her and make her look good. I told her boss, the commander and our COL — who was disappointed I was leaving after other good people quit — the same reasons for why I was suddenly leaving (declining health, didn’t feel valued in spite of hard and good work).I left in the early summer and hoped to land another job. I was not successful after several months — quitting due to illness and having an employment gap thereafter is hard to overcome. I was contacted on LinkedIn by a Hawaiian company interested in taking over the contract in a re-compete. That told me AMBER was holding the former company at fault for the turnover (which sounds reasonable at face value) and complaining about bad hires, so they didn’t automatically award the final option year to the first companies (a prime and the sub) who’d had the contract for 4 years consistently. My former PM, who was happy with my performance, recommended me to the new company who’d go on to win the new contract and take it over from my previous company. I was a veteran on the team this time, so I was ready to hit the ground running. I thought the past was the past. The problematic former coworker had quit, I learned, probably because she wouldn’t be extended an offer from the new company due to poor performance documented in her review (I only speculate, to be honest). I still thought the original problem was my previous company, the unreliable teammate who claimed I was a bully, and that I’d simply misunderstood AMBER. I’d try better this next time. When I look back in hindsight, I can see what a fool I was to be so optimistic.The second tour of duty would prove much worse. We kept three veterans and the PM (all people I liked and got along well with), and we hired other folks who turned out to be wonderful. All was going to be good this time, I thought — whew. I was still confident my work ethic and performance would be valued objectively, hoping I was wrong about AMBER and maybe misunderstood her the first time around.Nope.From Day 1, AMBER sought to undermine me. She humiliated me in public in front of the rest of the organization (including her own leadership), skipped over me in internal team meetings conspicuously so that the new people found it odd (so did I), pressured my PM to give me menial tasks beneath my skill/experience level, and then complained my work was sub-par. I asked my PM for feedback. I got nothing (can you appreciate the pressure cooker he was trying to function within in this dynamic?). I complained to the Contracting Office Representative (COR) — the mediator in this world of business — about those activities above which included witnesses and were creating a discriminatory, hostile work environment. The COR approached AMBER that afternoon with some pointed questions. She played dumb, stating she wasn’t aware of my role on the new contract. The COR said, “But you introduced R. Rosendale at the organizational meeting, with all of us present, as [my former role]. Besides, [AMBER’s made up role/excuse] isn’t in the contract because you [she] helped co-author it.” I heard about this later from my PM because AMBER lost self-control and had a public tantrum in the area where they both worked, and it didn’t fare well for her at her senior level. The COR also reported my complaint to AMBER’s bosses (because AMBER also caused other people grief, including another government subordinate who requested a transfer away from AMBER weeks after I quit the first time — AMBER has a history of creating conflicts with others throughout the organization).AMBER called out sick the next day after the public meltdown, claiming she’d fallen down the stairs. The veteran female sycophant made everyone sign a “get well” card. The new people weren’t fond of AMBER, a couple noting, “She doesn’t look like she fell down any stairs,” after she’d returned.Narcs are power-hungry and always looking for ways to:“look good” even if they aren’t “good.” They must maintain the facade of being special, worthy of great esteem from underlings and their bosses, even if they do not live up to standards that would appoint them with such respect or praise.coerce results through threats and use their position to do so.consolidate or increase their power or stature by any means necessary.destroy you if you do anything that threatens them (that can be anything — narcs flit from relationship to relationship because 100% of people cannot please them 100% of the damn-wearying time. Why do you think they are ever on the prowl for new supply?).AMBER wanted to become the COR to remove any objective party to mediate the relationship in this business context, with the full 100% subjective power to make complaints with consequences. After many months of training to achieve this goal, she was certified and appointed the COR — she was in a position where she would be untouchable as both the mediator/custodian of the contract and the customer (the recipient of the services). As a government person with job security, great benefits, and almost impossible to fire, she already was invincible compared to someone like me who is considered “at will” and can be fired for any reason or no reason at all.As COR, AMBER could make peoples’ already difficult lives much more difficult because she had the direct power to modify or cancel the contract, complain about “performance,” as well as indirectly suggest team members be “fired” through complaints, highlight favorite people as exceptional, and subsequently force those she didn’t like out onto the street — people who threatened her.After AMBER was counseled by her government superiors for misconduct and unprofessionalism (I was not the only complainant), she worked on an ongoing basis to sabotage my work you can read about if you just google “bullying supervisor,” but she did so in stealthier ways. I was given assignments with deadlines that had to be met, with quality parameters to ensure, but I was not allowed to talk to anybody in the organization to get my work done, for example. The new people on the team remarked that they were not restricted in this way in private conversations. My PM, formerly supportive and who originally praised my work — perhaps under pressure from AMBER — told me I was just imagining things (“gas lighting”), and I learned he’d later undermined me to the new company’s leadership (I still do not know why) as well as to some of the new people. He would not give me any specific feedback, either, when I asked verbally and in writing. There’s another red flag. In my gut, I knew the problem wasn’t my work. The problem was that the Narc, AMBER, wanted me gone and was applying pressure to my company, my PM, to my team, and to others in the organization whom I needed to work with, in order to force me to resign again or set me up to be fired. My “personality” had been on trial throughout.10 Signs Your Boss / Manager is a NarcissistI started to fall ill again — the weight loss, hair loss, and was not able to sleep often for many nights in a row. I was forced onto unpaid medical leave due to a nervous breakdown that included a 3-day hospital stay. The medical leave produced a PTSD diagnosis, a flag on my clearance because I had to file ADA disability paperwork for the leave, and my recovery would require some doctor’s appointments for treatment, so I requested a slight adjustment to my hours on the days I had appointments (not an unreasonable accommodation — if you have a legal disability, you are allowed to request a reasonable accommodation, and accommodations were made for colleagues without any disability or special circumstance).This article also breaks down how bullying in the workplace can affect you, especially if you’re already a survivor of bullying (say, from school — like I was) or from previous narcissistic abuse (ditto):The Trauma of Workplace BullyingI just wouldn’t recommend writing a letter to the bully if they’re a narc (as the above article recommends, although it doesn’t explicitly recommend that you send it). Narcs have no empathy and they are notoriously incapable of self-reflection, admitting they’re flawed and getting professional help, and your words could be used against you if you ever choose to litigate. In fact, count on it.Right before I went on the medical leave, I had complained about the hostile work environment to my PM, to his boss at corporate, and documented specific instances to HR regarding discrimination/harassment, retaliation, and libel. Never trust HR.Three days after I returned to work after my company requested that my doctor and I file the ADA paperwork, etc., to cover my 3.5 weeks of unpaid medical leave because none of us were FMLA-eligble, I was fired by my company at the soonest opportunity for an “attendance infraction.” I’d called out sick citing lack of sleep after 3 consecutive nights (insomnia is a signature PTSD symptom, in addition to avoidance of people, things, and places that remind you of whatever trauma you’re resistant to accept), and even though the company had a flextime policy that should’ve afforded me the ability to make up the time until the end of the pay period, I was not allowed to exercise that option similar to my colleagues who simply had shitty commutes, for example. My company, well-groomed by AMBER’s antics and complaints about me at this point (one of the only two women on the team, and the most junior), was eager to push me out. “The customer is always right,” goes the trope.How narcissistic CEOs put companies at riskThe irony of being fired for that reason (“attendance infraction”) blows me away, considering the former coworker from the last contract who routinely worked truncated days of 5–6 hours (that I wrote about earlier above) was never disciplined or fired in spite of poor performance and no improvement — a big reason for my first departure, because I could not keep up with her bullshit and AMBER breathing down my neck about my work or ethic being inadequate/questionable/untrustworthy, even if my PM valued me and defended his subordinate for so long.You can litigate by filing a complaint with the EEOC. For this reason, I recommend everyone clearly document what happens to you at work beginning from Day 1 on any job you ever start even if things start off great, you’re doing well, and people like you. If you keep getting feedback about good work, but you’re being negatively evaluated for your personality without getting specific feedback over time regarding a standard you, personally, are failing to meet without knowing why (a common problem for women that is discriminatory) — and you’ve had a good track record at multiple positions, you’ll need this documentation for anything from a downgrade to your role, a negative performance review, or a wrongful termination. The pattern of someone’s behavior over time — plus any witnesses present or any medical diagnoses related to poor treatment — will go a long way in helping your case, which will be hard to win, if you win at all (do the math about whether it’s really worth it).Every day, document everything that happened, however innocuous: what was said in meetings, the times and locations, witnesses present, and if you requested any feedback or received it. Save all evidence of work you turned in, all attempts you made to comply with original direction and then later changes you were forced to make, and ask for documentation that defines your specific role (that you had to qualify for before the job, and that you had to adhere to on the job). Send yourself a copy of this working log every single day — I am fucking serious.Unfortunately, underhanded smear campaigns can make all of the above difficult. You wouldn’t even realize you were the butt of the whole joke until it was too late and everyone was manipulated against you. You’d only feel crazy and rightfully so.If you suspect you’ve uncovered a narc — and even worse, if they know that you know who they are and you expose them — YOU will be the one to pay dearly. Abandon your notions about justice, universal karma, and what not. You are assuming you’re being rational and fair, but you’re not playing cards with someone operating by the same set of rules. Most of all, you want to protect your pride, making you equal to the narc if you think about it— it’s a hard pill to swallow. But, you will not win, even if you are right.In hindsight, I realized I exposed AMBER the Narc as a manager to her government peers and bosses as someone who mistreats her subordinates, lies in public, and bends the rules, all starting with the fatal words “you could thank the team for the hard work” — I believe the source of my crime. Seriously — that shit echoes in my head some nights when I can’t sleep, even though I didn’t mean anything nasty.I ultimately decided not to litigate because I am already broken and in bad shape from the experience and the damages caused. Although a lawyer I consulted with said I had numerous compelling points to file complaints related to discrimination/harassment, retaliation, and libel, my family advised me to reconsider if litigating — even if I was treated unjustly and incurred a lot of damage as a result — was good for my ongoing mental health when I need to heal and free myself up for a brighter future. After much reflection, and choosing not to operate from a place of ego or pride (because this was unfair/unjust), I agreed that it would not be best to litigate if I wanted to move forward with repairing my mind, body, and spirit. It hurts: I want people like this to fucking pay for what they do.Once you know someone is a narc — especially if you’ve exposed them to people they’re trying to impress — it’s best to leave and move on. The American legal landscape, especially — with regard to workers rights — won't favor you. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHTS. Didn’t George Carlin state this once but in a stomach-aching, concise way?I don’t know if any of this helps to read about, but the scary thing about malignant narcs is that you don’t always know you’re dealing with one, even if you’ve dealt with one before. It’s hard to protect yourself in a labor environment (where you cannot choose whom you associate with and in what manner) from these people. In fact, these people actively seek out various ways to obtain more power and wield it against others. They lack empathy. They lack humility. They can make you sick and destroy your life. You can’t believe what’s happening to you in a situation like mine. You wonder if you’ve been wrong, if you can do some magical something that makes all the difference. At least if you’re wrong, you can do something about it if you’re motivated. You can’t control other people (or you can try, like a narc — and even get away with it — but how would you sleep at night?).I don’t know what advice to offer. I thought I had this subject figured out, but I’m learning that I do not. And, I wonder how I’m going to be able to recover now that my career was ended; I am sick without insurance and proper treatment, as a result; and after years of trying to close myself down after the last run-in with a malignant Narc (while everyone I love dearly urged me to “open back up” and “trust” — myself and others), I don’t feel any wiser after this experience. Am I becoming a paranoid narc as a result? My head spins. I have done so much navel-gazing, time in therapy, reading about this topic, etc., and I don’t feel any wiser in terms of avoiding these folks in settings where I don’t get a choice to avoid them like I would in my personal life.A key difference between a narc and an empath is that the narc can’t question him-/herself, seek counsel, admit to any fault, or adjust behavior. That would require admitting they’re fallible, sometimes wrong, or that they need to change.More than ever, I wish I could find a way to subsist and live while doing so in a manner that doesn’t put me at the mercy of others’ expectations and all the politics surrounding interpersonal bullshit. I’m one of those workers (a former manager myself who gladly returned to being an individual contributor) who isn’t motivated to climb the ladder, get an important title, or tell others what to do. It’s a tough world for an introvert or someone who’s survived narcissistic abuse and had their professional, financial, or social lives negatively impacted, along with their health. I’m exploring ways I can become my own boss now, instead. I know that not even that would insulate me from problematic customers.If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. The only thing I can say — even though the economy is not great and employment is tenuous since most American workers are “at will” employees — is to pay attention to the red flags. If you have the means to bypass an opportunity of which you are warned (“micromanager,” “must look good no matter what,” etc.), really pay attention to the signs during the interview. In hindsight, I would’ve asked more probing questions during my interview, like “Can you give me specific examples of this person’s micromanagement style or needing to look good? What is your recommendation for responding to this person’s needs?” If you are looking for another job, ask good questions about team dynamics, listen, and observe carefully. Ask about team turnover rate and why people departed if the turnover rate is high like it was on my team (10 people came and went in a little over a year on a 10-people team — it started as 3 people, expanding to 8, losing some gains, expanding to 10 on the new contract, and then losing new gains for a total of 10 in the time frame between both companies that had the contract). I was fired in April. My onsite PM, on the previous and current contract — who originally was an advocate of mine — resigned and left within weeks after I did (I don’t know why, but he confided in me many times on both contracts, venting his frustration about dealing with AMBER. I bet she lost her goddamn mind when he gave notice because he held the whole operation together with a flimsy bandage and he had a hell of a job — well paid, but it cost him, too). They’d hired a new IT architect to replace another one hired with the brand new contract; the latter lasted only 1 month (hired a couple days before I was fired) and the former lasted about 6 months.I sent a very long email to the commander, the COL, with all the documentation I collected (that I’ve advised you’d start and maintain since Day 1 of any new job) that is much more detailed and granular than my account here — times, places, witnesses, what was said — to show the pattern of abuse over time because on any given day, someone might just be having a bad day. I kept it fact-based but called out how this has affected my life for the worst:An except to the COL, our commander: “The companies mostly care about the bottom line and making sure the customer is ‘happy’ and ‘looks good to her bosses’ because employees are all ‘replaceable"’ in the business world. (Imagine if the military ran itself openly that way -- nobody would join or stay.) It all sounds very reasonable on paper, I'll admit, as our culture adopted this ‘profit at all costs’ mentality over the years which everyone's had to accept, especially since most American workers (across most industries) have little to no power or rights these days. But,[AMBER] is the sort of person that will send a soldier into battle without the right equipment, weapons, or training; burden you with a rucksack stocked with boulders (BFRs); demand you run at a high speed without tripping while throwing up obstacles on the path; and command and control from the watch tower, putting you in the line of enemy AND friendly fire -- that's the best way I can paint a picture to describe how it feels to work for her (from my experience).”A narcissistic bully will use a variety of means with persistence over time, singling you out specifically. The COL, our CMDR, acknowledged the feedback and thanked me for it, but the process of transferring or firing a government civilian is much more complicated vs contractors, who you can just terminate on the spot. AMBER’s bosses are now accountable for having some kind of response to her behavior. I tied the detailed examples I provided to the commander and supported them with examples of toxic leadership behaviors cited in Army Regulation (AR) 600-100 Army Profession and Leadership Policy:"Army professionals are required to uphold the Army Ethic and model the core leader competencies described above. They must remain vigilant to guard against counterproductive leadership behaviors from themselves as well as in the units with which they serve. Counterproductive leadership can take different forms, from incompetence to abusiveness, all of which have detrimental impacts on individuals, the unit, and the accomplishment of the mission. Counterproductive leadership behaviors can span a range of behaviors to include bullying, distorting information, refusing to listen to subordinates, abusing authority, retaliating, blaming others, poor self-control (loses temper), withholding encouragement, dishonesty, unfairness, unjustness, showing little or no respect, talking down to others, behaving erratically, and taking credit for others’ work. One such type of counterproductive leadership is toxic leadership, which is defined as a combination of selfcentered attitudes, motivations, and behaviors that have adverse effects on subordinates, the organization, and mission performance. To be classified as toxic, the counterproductive behaviors must be recurrent and have a deleterious impact on the organization’s performance or the welfare of subordinates. An exacerbating factor may be if the behaviors demonstrate selfish reasons such as elevating one’s own status, grabbing power, or otherwise obtaining personal gain. Counterproductive leadership behaviors prevent the establishment of a positive organizational climate, preclude other leaders from fulfilling their requirements, and may prevent the unit from achieving its mission. They will lead to investigations and, potentially, removal from position or other punitive actions. Army leaders are required to utilize self-awareness programs (MSAF, CDR360, and others) to ensure they receive feedback indicating whether they exhibit appropriate behaviors for an Army leader. Army leaders are required to provide performance and professional growth counseling to subordinate leaders to prevent or remedy counterproductive leadership." [pgph. 1–11]Also, really examine yourself from the inside out about your strengths, weaknesses, wishes, and goals — crack that open to examine your own behavior and how it informs your actions. One of my weaknesses, for example, is that I’m very honest and open. I also tend to speak the truth, and narcs (or their enablers) will not like that. A smear campaign will be underway quickly to discredit anything you say in advance, so that if you speak up, you won't be believed. To them, the truth is malleable and a matter of optics. Careful what you say. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m eager to please or take on more work when my boss is counting on me because a coworker isn’t doing his/her job. Don’t be approval-seeking, don’t be a doormat. I still believe it’s always wise to stand up for yourself, but just be warned: the narc will try harder to pound you down, and if they’re a “leader” you exposed, you’ll pay.I hope you will not have your life, health, and career destroyed by someone like AMBER and the people who enable those like her. I’ve come to believe that narcs are highly miserable people incapable of any true connection to themselves or others. Unfortunately, the capitalist, hierarchical structure within our society — that informs many interactions, relationships, and business activities — rewards narcissism.