Children Summer Camp Filler Activities: Fill & Download for Free

100 Creative Ways to Advertise Your Real Estate Business and Generate Leads!1. Take a small zip close baggie (snack sizes work well) & include the following in it: Your Business Card, Business Op Mini Flyer, a Piece of Candy - such as hard candy or a lollipop, mini flyer of current host specials, discount coupon (opt) etc. Hand these out to the bank tellers, retail cashiers, at your kids sport events, everywhere you go!2. When I stay at hotels & motels I leave a mini catalog, my business card & discount coupon and the mini coin canister for the maid! I put her tip inside the mini coin canister! I have gotten 3 orders by doing this! Be creative when you leave tips for Hotel Maids, Waitresses, Waiters, Hair Dressers, etc. Don't just hand them your business card, make it memorable! You can also buy cute little beaded change purses at your local dollar discount store!3. Print out flyers with your contact info (not your personal address), your website address & email address along with any current specials you are offering. Then contact local area mobile home park offices, apartment complex rental offices, housing developments, etc. and ask them if you can leave fliers in their office or hang on their tenants doors. Give the office employees a free gift or discount on their personal orders.4. Contact local area bridal supply stores, bridal gown stores, caterers, tux rental centers, wedding D.J's etc. Ask them if you can leave your business cards & fliers about the great (Company Name) Bridal Gift Registry for them to give to their customers. Offer store owners a free gift or a personal discount for helping you spread the word about your business.5. Daycare Centers! They are excellent to contact and leave business cards and/or fliers at! I print out a flyer of just a few items from our product line and I attach my business card & a discount coupon. I get a lot of orders by doing this! So whatever company you represent, find some items that cater to children or to moms and make up a flier!6. A lot of churches hold a Spring and Fall Fest! Contact them about getting a table or a booth. A lot of times this will cost you under $15.00 for a space! Make sure you take products with you along with business opt fliers, plenty of catalogs, business cards etc. Do a contest drawing at these types of events. Make up entry blanks that gather the customer’s info so that you can initiate contact with them again!7. Join your local area chamber of commerce! They are always holding local business events that you can participate in.8. College Campuses! Dorms & Housing Students are always looking to spend money! A lot of college students are also looking for an extra income so target them with the real estate opportunity too! Drop off fliers and business cards to the College Student Center! They usually have bulletin boards, tables and other things where you can leave your information at for FREE!9. Contact your local area Welcome Wagon or Welcome to the Neighborhood Group! Ask them about you leaving mini catalogs, fliers, business cards, discount coupons, freebie mini gifts, etc. with them. They are always looking for additional items to place in their Welcome Bags!10. Contact your local area hospitals and ask for Human Resources Dept. The Majority of hospitals hand out New Mommy Diaper Bags filled with products, samples and other stuff for New Moms who just had a baby! It's FREE for you to add in your information! I have gotten leads, new customers and new recruits by participating in these types of programs.11. Contact your local medical offices, particularly Gynecology and OB Offices and Pediatric Offices and inquire about you leaving information with them.12. Donate a Product to your local area Radio Station, they have numerous contests and they are always looking for sponsors! Your donation can be written off as a tax deduction plus you will get FREE Advertising & Business Exposure for your donation!13. Donate a Product to your local area Bingo Halls! They are always looking for sponsors of their Bingo Prizes! Bingo is BIG in a lot of areas!14. Call your Chamber & find out about Local Job Fairs; get a booth & set up info about your real estate business!15. Call your Local Area Colleges & find out when their next job/employment fair is. A lot of times you can get a booth or table for less than $35 & you’ll get a lot of GREAT new recruit leads by participating in events like these.16. Contact local area car dealerships. I have 2 in my local area that hand out a small packet that I made up for FREE to their customers who come in to take a free test drive!17. Target your local area gyms! You can get a table space for $20 or less in most cases! Make sure you have plenty of information about who you are, what services you offer, business cards and fliers.18. Network with others in your community who are in home business. Find out what events and activities that they participate in. They are usually "in the know" and can help you get started in networking in your community.19. Contact Companies in your area to see if you can come in and set up a table in the employee lounge or cafeteria for a employee shopping break! These days a lot of companies will allow you to do this if you ask them! They may also allow you to be their “preferred” real estate agent!20. Does your local area TV cable company have a local information channel? Inquire about advertising! These ads will reach thousands of potential buyers for you! I recommend you only use your website address for these types of advertising and not your personal at home address.21. Contact local small companies & shops to see if you can offer an exclusive discount or freebie (CMA, market analysis, etc.) to their employees. Companies are always looking for a way to "treat" their employees to specials from the local surrounding community.22. Small Home Town Newspapers! I don’t get too good of a response when I do big newspaper city ads, however... when I target small town newspapers I usually get a great response. If you are going to do any type of newspaper advertising, inquire about getting your ads on specific pages in the newspaper that targets the group of people most likely to buy from you.23. Get a low-cost outdoor banner printed up with your business information on it. You can usually get them done for $55 or less depending on who makes it. You can have these outdoor banners displayed at outdoor music/concert events, outdoor children’s sporting events, outdoor adult sport events, outdoor neighborhood block parties, outdoor community events, carnivals, fairs, etc.24. Take your business on the road during nice weather. Contact local area parks & community centers to see what their schedule of events are and inquire about setting up a booth or table. This is a great way to network & market your business to those in your community.25. Community Clipper Coupon Packs & Sales Flyer Mailings. These days a lot of communities have mailings such as these, contact them and see how you can participate and advertise your business.26. Contact small local area businesses such as hair salons, massage parlors, boutiques, banks etc. See if you can leave some fliers, brochures, and your business card.27. Contact local area pizza shops, diners, and deli’s and coffee bagel shops to ask them about advertising on their paper placemats, packaging, pizza boxes! Customers do read those ads!28. Contact local area restaurants, bars and clubs and see about advertising on their paper beverage coasters!29. Local Television Stations are always holding on-air contests & website contests for their viewers, contact them about you donating a prize or gift certificate to sponsor one of their contests! Great business exposure for you!30. Attend Local Area holiday shopping events. Customers who are ready to spend holiday shopping money turn out for these events by the thousands! You can usually get a booth for less than $50.00 so they are economical to participate in!31. Hold a local area community Block Party at your home or local community center! Families are always looking for something to do during the nice weather seasons! Optional: Attend your neighborhood block party and set up a table with your real estate information. Get out there in your community and get your business seen!32. Get your business listed in your city’s telephone book yellow pages!33. You can take this phone book advertising one step further by finding out what company makes the plastic vinyl phone book covers which have local business ads on them and get your business added to it!34. Get your business information printed up on pencils and hand them out to local colleges and technical schools for them to hand out to their adult students! This keeps your business information in front of them! (Make sure you only donate them to schools with adult students).35. Get a vehicle banner made for your automobile. I recommend the vinyl window clings or vinyl cling ones that stick to your automobile but don’t scratch or remove the paint. You can easily remove them when washing your vehicle!36. If your city has a travel guide that tourists request, contact that business & find out how you can advertise in it too!37. Local City Maps! These days even city maps have advertising on them! You can usually get a small business ad printed on them for an economical price.38. Contact local area hotels, motels and bed & breakfast inns and ask them if you can do up a Lobby Basket and leave it in their Lobby. What is a Lobby Basket? You make up little packs of info about your business and put them into the Lobby Basket for their patrons to take. They usually have a pamphlet wall or area too with pamphlets from local area attractions etc. If they don’t have a lobby basket area, inquire about leaving your business info in their pamphlet area. You may pick up relocation clients this way!39. Get your business info printed up on balloons! This is very economical to do! You then distribute them to local community centers, sporting events and other types of places where parents book their children’s birthday parties! These balloons can be displayed at the birthday party giving your business exposure. You can usually get them done for .3-.8 cents each. Your business name & website address is all you need on them!40. Find a few other self-employed business owners in your community and team up! You can all sponsor a local parade float, parade clowns etc. Make up signs with your business info imprinted on them so that you can receive some great business exposure during the parade!41. Get some T-shirts printed up with your business information on it (both front & back sides) and hand them out to some friends, family and co-workers and ask them to wear them out and about in the community. This is their FREE gift for helping you to spread the word about your business! Opt: Get ball caps printed up with your business info!42. Get some canvas tote bags printed up with your business information printed on it. Find a few ladies who are very active in your community and ask them to use your tote bag and give it to them for FREE under the agreement that they will use it every time they go out in the community for errands & events!43. Get a license plate made up for your vehicle! If you have your normal license plate on the back of your car, put your business named one on the front of the car! You can get one with just your business name on it for about $20-$30 per plate!44. Wear a business name tag every time you go out into your community. Even better – wear it upside down! It will attract attention and start conversations with strangers when they tell you that it is “upside down”!45. Local Area Magazines! Does your city publish a City Magazine? If so, contact them about advertising or if they hold contests for their readers offer to donate a product or service for their contest!46. Check out your local area State Fairs & Community Carnivals, there are always a lot of them going on during seasonal weather. Ask about getting a booth or table & set it up with your business information! People love to shop at Fairs & Carnivals and you may find a buyer, seller, or recruit!47. Get some Business Card Magnets printed up and hand them out everywhere you go! Have your friends & family pass them out too! People are more apt to keep a magnetic business card compared to a regular one which gets shoved into a drawer or wallet. By having a magnetized card, your business is kept in front of the potential customer/client.48. When you give closing gifts to family, friends, neighbors, co-workers etc. make sure you give them gifts that have your business information on them somewhere! These allow other people to see & touch your gift meaning FREE business exposure for you!49. Invite your spouse’s co-workers over to your home for a little mingling party! Serve some refreshments or do a cookout BBQ and make sure you have a conversation about your real estate business!50. Do a neighborhood gift wrapping party! I do this before Christmas. Invite people to come over to your home and bring their gifts and you can wrap them! While wrapping, you can talk to them about real estate, ask for referrals, etc.51. Do a joint party with another person in a non-competing business. Partying with a friend is always fun! You can hold it at one hosts home, your home or at a local community center. Invite everyone you know and have others help you spread the word. Hang up fliers at local centers & businesses too! Get the word out about your real estate business!52. Put an AD in the back of local high school yearbooks! You can usually get these ads for around $40.00 which makes it affordable advertising for you!53. Put an AD for your business in local Athletic Sport Programs! You can find these at the High School Level, Minor League Level and at Professional Sporting Events!54. Contact Local Churches & Religious Groups and see if you can place an AD in their weekly church bulletins & program guides!55. Do you have a local Community Play House? If so, get your business ad placed in their play programs! You can usually get ads in them for less than $25.0056. Co-Sponsor a Local Youth Athletic Group! Baseball teams, softball teams, cheerleading squads, gymnastic squads and swim teams, etc. are always looking for sponsors! Co-Sponsoring a team will help get your business noticed in your local area!57. Get a Yard Sign! If you have a home business, get a Yard Sign printed up & proudly display it in your front yard!58. Does your neighborhood hold local Meet & Greets? If so, make sure you go out and attend them! Get to know your fellow community members!59. Donate a Raffle Drawing Prize to a Non-Profit Group or Charity in your local community! They are always looking for prize donations for their charitable raffles. Note: Make sure you get a receipt for tax purposes!60. Do you have a Online Business & Website? Consider getting some computer mouse pads printed up with your website address & business name on them! This will keep your website & business in front of them every time they get online!61. Local Bus Stops & Bus Sheds! Have you noticed that a lot of them have local business advertising on them? Call up the company and see how much it would cost you to advertise there too!62. Does your local area grocery store allow advertisers to place business ads on the back of their cash register receipts? If so, contact them about getting your business ad on there too!63. Local baby expo's and baby events/contests! Set up a booth or table with your business info! These events are always very popular and a great way for you to reach new customers!64. Watch your local newspaper for Wedding, Engagement and New Baby Announcements! Make a list and then go to: Find and Investigate People. Verify and Append Contact Information. to try to track down addresses. You can mail off your business info to them announcing your real estate business and you may pick up a buyer or seller.65. Stamp your business info to the outside of all outgoing postal mail! Include your business card on the inside. Do this for personal mail, business mail and for paying your bills!66. Contact your local Fire & Ambulance companies & see if you can set up a table at next BBQ or fundraiser event.67. Contact LOCAL Assisted Living Centers for Senior Citizens (this is different than a nursing home!) and see if you can sponsor one of their events! Their families will appreciate your support and you may pick up buyers/sellers/referrals from their family members. They also appreciate the adult company!68. Are there local small summer concerts held in your local parks? We have them here during the summer months! Ask about advertising options during these community events!69. BUY little boxes of Smartie Candies! Put your Business info on one side & on the front side slap on a label that says "Be a Smartie, Hire me as your REALTOR!" Hand them out everywhere you go!70. Make up candy packs with your business info attached to them and hand out to the Halloween Trick or Treaters!71. Exchange Business Cards, Fliers or Coupons with another business owner in a NON-Competing Business and place her filler in your packets & outgoing packages & have her do the same for you!72. The PUBLIC Library! I go in there often and see all kinds of local advertisements for businesses there! See if you can leave a few business cards!73. Do a brochure SWAP with another business owner (NON competing business). See if she will swap a few brochures with you. You hand out a few of her brochures at your events, open houses, etc. and have her do the same!74. I have a friend & fellow network member who prints out for me...mint books...she prints a pretty graphic on it, along with my business info...they look like matchbooks and inside is a piece of peppermint hard candy! They are inexpensive too! I think I paid $8.00 for 40+ of them! She includes the candy too! I can refer her to you if you want to try those! www.bboopsworld.com/75. Hold a “vendor blender” of several vendors from different companies. Host it open-house style and have all of the vendors (including yourself) send out blanket invites to all neighborhoods involved or putting an ad in local papers!76. Ask about getting your info printed onto golf tees & balls, and then donate to a local golf course or mini golf course!77. FOAM DRINK COZIES, the foam thing you wrap around a cold beverage can! See if you can get some of those with your business info on them & hand them out at local sporting events!78. Indoor Concert Arenas. Have you attended a concert lately? Tons of advertising by local and national merchants at concerts! Check into doing some advertising!79. Children LOVE Stickers! Buy a slew of stickers with your business name on them....hand them out! Chances are that the kid's parents will see the stickers too!80. Temporary Employment Agencies...again drop off packets of info about your real estate business to them. The Economy is sluggish in a lot of the areas in the USA...ask Temp. Employment Agencies to refer some clients to you who may be interested in becoming a real estate agent!!! You could offer the staff a commission discount or small gift for referrals.81. Print up some flyers and get permission from local shopping centers to see if you can leave them on car windshields! Always ASK permission first!82. Does your community print up FREE Renters Guides, House Buying Guides Etc? (You can usually find them for FREE at your local supermarket). If so, contact them about placing your business ad inside one!83. Got a local ice cream man who drives around in his ice cream truck throughout your community? Talk to him about passing out Open house/just listed flyers or letting you add a logo onto his truck via a vinyl cling logo banner!84. Do a web search for your local county, local township and surrounding areas. I found tons of websites for my area with FREE online business directories which I was able to get my website listed in. They also have offline ADS that you can advertise in too! A great way to also find out about upcoming local community events to participate in!85. Are there any professional moving companies in your area? If so, contact them! They usually give out new business packet info to their customers/clients to welcome them to their new home. See about adding your business information to their "New Move" Packs!86. Local small town radio stations that are usually found on the AM frequency usually offer very low-cost local area advertising on their small radio station. This is a great way to get your business info out to those in your local community.87. Get your business information printed out onto paper text book covers! You can make them yourself! Donate them to local area adult technical schools and colleges!88. Is there a local business in your area holding a upcoming Grand Opening? If so, contact them! A lot of times they are giving away freebies to the first few hundred customers plus they do heavy advertising announcing their Grand Opening. This is a GREAT way for you to capitalize on that!89. Get your business info printed up on inexpensive bookmarks! Then give them to local area colleges, adult technical schools, book reading groups, libraries etc. You can usually print up your own bookmarks with your business info on them for less than .8 cents each! This will keep your business info in front of those avid book readers!90. Put your Business Knowledge to Work! Offer to teach classes to adults! Ex: A First Time Homebuyer class; a financing class, etc. You can find adult programs by contacting: Local Community Centers, Local Civic Groups and a lot of High Schools & Community Colleges offer evening classes to adults. (continuing education).This generates leads & sales and only takes a short amount of time!91. Put the word out to your friends, family & co-workers that you offer freebies to party goers. What do I mean? Well, people who are holding baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties, anniversary parties etc. contact me about my “freebies”. They make up party goodie bags and are always looking for things to stuff them with. Depending on what type of party it is depends on what I donate! I print out pretty bookmarks, recipe cards, candy wrappers, gift bag tags, shopping lists, and chore lists etc. with pretty designs on them along with my real estate business info. I also attach a coupon. I keep my cost down to .15 cents per person. This is an inexpensive way to reach new potential customers.92. Print out your own labels! Stick them on everything! Put your contact information and real estate logo on them. I stick them on gas pumps!93. Establish a Referral program for your business and print out referral coupons! Offer established customers a free little gift or personal discount if they refer a new customer to you! I like to give out 3 Referral Coupons to every new customer I get so that they know they will be rewarded for referring new customers to me.94. Print out Coloring Pages with a small section on them advertising your business and donate them to local area restaurants, daycares etc. I was able to find 4pc. Crayon sets for ONLY .05 cents a box which I also donated along with the printed out coloring pages! Parents hang them on the front of their refrigerators after the children are done coloring them which keeps your business in front of the parent daily! Cost: About .03 cents for printed out coloring page with your business info located somewhere on it and .05 cents for the mini box of crayons.95. Contact your local area Girl Scouts, 4-H Club & other youth groups. Talk to them about you coming in to do a project with the youths in the group. During the summer time there are a lot of youth camps throughout the community. You can also find youth camps through local churches. Some are seasonal & some are yearlong programs. The Y is also a great resource!96. If you are crafty with your computer you can print out tea bag wrappers with a pretty design on them along with your business information. I purchased a few boxes of individually wrapped tea bags and then put my printed business tea bag wrapper over it. You can hand them out throughout your community.I like donating them to: Assisted Living Centers, Senior Community Centers, Daycare Centers (to be given to the parents & teachers), School Teacher Lounges, and Employee Break Rooms etc. Example of Cost: .03 cents for a printed color wrapper and about .03-.05 cents per tea bag.97 Make sure you leave info about your business on your voice mail message! Not everyone who phones you knows that you are in real estate!98 Take your outdated listing fliers and write “SOLD!” on the front with a red sharpie then distribute them in your community! Let people know that you have more properties, or if you don’t have any listings, use a listing from your office!99 Get Business-Themed Banking Checks! Your bank checks pass thru tons of hands that could become potential clients! If possible get your email address or website URL preprinted onto them! I also suggest using preprinted postal address labels too!100. Get your business info printed onto matchbooks! Donate the matchbooks to candle shops, smoke shops, and clubs etc. to help get your business name out in your community!Hopefully this list of ideas will be helpful to you!

This sounds like the lead in to the long running gag about Queen Elizabeth taking back control of the US - since you are clearly making a mess of it (although we are achieving an even better cock up with Brexit)Anyway Snopes are the people to check withFACT CHECK: John Cleese's Letter to the USAOriginJust as most any anonymous piece of cynically humorous satire about American politics and culture ends up eventually being attributed to comedian George Carlin, so the same kind of material gets credited to English comic John Cleese when it evinces a British viewpoint on American affairs. Unlike his fellow Monty Python trouper, however, Mr. Cleese doesn’t generally pen this sort of political levity.The genesis of this article is a long and convoluted one. It hit the online world shortly after the contentious U.S. presidential election of 2000, in which the results of Florida’s crucial vote were disputed for weeks, the U.S. Supreme Court eventually stepped in to halt recounts, and George W. Bush was declared the winner despite receiving fewer popular votes overall than his opponent, Al Gore.The piece evidently originated on with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K., who wrote and posted a much shorter, four-item version to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer inNovember 2000,as a wry commentary on the recently concluded (but then still far from decided) U.S. presidential election:London, 8th November 2000.To the citizens of the United States of America,Following your failure to elect either a half decent candidate or man-monkey as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch’s duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with1 the following acts:1. Look up “revoke” in a dictionary2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of “God save the Queen”3. Start referring to “soccer” as football4. Declare war on QuebecTax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your cooperation and…have a nice day!This item was soon reworked and expanded into a ten-point version:NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo all the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.God Save the Queen!The “Revocation” piece escaped into the wider world of the Internet a week later when Peter Rieden of Farnborough, U.K., added three more entries to a slightly revised the list (bringing the total to thirteen) and posted it to the USENET newsgroup sci.military.naval on 15 November 2000:The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President Clinton at 07:30 (EST) today:NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America from Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP – for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. Future adult suffrage will be based in part on successful completion of compulsory spelling examinations which will focus on words like “colour” and “visualise” whose mis-spelling is endemic in the American colonies.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played in the girls leagues; it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.11. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.Thank you for your co-operation.The “Revocation of Independence” quickly spread far and wide on the Internet through e-mail forwards, newsgroup posts, and mailing lists, and within days newspapers in the U.K. were running even longer, fifteen-point versions, such as the following:The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “5hit”. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be refered to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your cooperation.Curiously, U.S. newspapers tended to run a fifteen-point version as well, but one that was much terser and made significantly different “demands” to which the U.S. was required to comply:To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:1. Look up “revocation” in the now official Oxford Dictionary. Start spelling English words correctly.2. Learn at least the first four lines of “God Save The Queen.”3. Start referring to “soccer” as football.4. Declare war on Quebec and France.5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.6. Close down the National Football League. Learn to play rugby.7. Enjoy warm, flat beer and steak and kidney pudding.8. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced with Nov. 5.10. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.11. Driving on the left side of the road is now compulsory. Recall all vehicles to effect the change immediately.12. Report to our Consulate General in New York for your new passport and job allocation.13. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew’s bedchamber.14. Add the royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument and the Queen’s Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.15. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day.Predictably, the satire spawned a variety of U.S. “rebuttal” versions:The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USATo the imperialist British colonizers.In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as “fortnight”. The correct term is “a two week period”. You will learn words such as “credenza”, “intern” and “chad”.2. There is no such thing as “UK English”. UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.5. You will learn your new national anthem “The Star Spangled Banner”. It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don’t do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word “cinema”. They are “movie theaters”. The snippets of forthcoming films are not “trailers” they are “teasers”.8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as “caravanning”. It is properly called “camping”. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries – light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year – be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.Another popular response to the “Revocation” piece was this one:SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a “backwards step” by the majority of the world.To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminium” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “aluminum” (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminium” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We’d also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 – 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 – 97.85 = 2.15)4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting”, and “The Full Monty”. We’ve also heard good things about this “Billy Elliot”. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you’re doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.5. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it’s toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle In The Wind” again for you guys.6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men’s soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there’s a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren’t the spawn of satan they’ll teach you how to cook.8. You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.9. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Teletubbies”.Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.P.S. — Regarding WW2: You’re Welcome.All of this brought us to the end of 2004, when the U.S. went through another controversial presidential election (although one not nearly as close or contested as the 2000 version), which once again resulted in a victory for the Republican candidate, George W. Bush. One of the multiplicity of variants of the four-year-old “Revocation of Independence” satire was dusted off, British funnyman John Cleese’s name was appended to the end, and the cycle of forwarding started all over again, only this time with a recognizable name attached to the piece. Many, many people have had a hand in shaping the multiple variations of this bit of humor that now exist, but John Cleese himself is one of the few who hasn’t.