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My first semester of college was so incredibly action-packed that no one believes it. It culminated with my roommate beating his wife to a pulp in front of me, something I will never forget.I was a sheltered child, never spent much time away from home, never went to camp as a child. We couldn't afford it. So when I went away to college, it was the first time in my life I had been away from home for more than a few days. It was quite a shock. I had no idea what I was doing there -- at home, I had a beautiful girlfriend and a Union job making good money, but college was my future. I went to college in Fitchburg, a failing mill town in western Massachusetts. There was a lot of poverty and crumbling infrastructure. I was accepted to the college very late and as a result, the closest housing I could get to the campus was a room in a house 2 miles away. Every morning I walked to school and every evening I walked home. As a commuter this made it hard to make friends and become part of school life.I lived in an ancient and rambling farmhouse with a man and his wife and his two infant children. The man was restoring the ancient house and it was in various states of repair based on the room. I was paying 20 dollars a week for the room, and I had a 5 dollar a week budget for food. This was in 1978 and even then 1 dollar a day didn't buy you much. I discovered that the Commuter Cafe had a grilled cheese sandwich for 55 cents, and I covered it with as many free condiments as possible. I did this every single day. I went to bed hungry most nights and lost a lot of weight. I was six feet tall and my waist was 28 inches.A lot of things happened in school which I will skip over to keep this from getting too long, but in sum, I signed up for 9 classes, ROTC, the school play, my girlfriend had a meltdown and stabbed another girl in the stomach with a broken beer bottle, I was falling asleep in most of my classes, winter was coming and I didn't even own a coat.But the excitement was happening in slow motion at the house I was living in. I moved in in September and it seemed like a normal house. The man worked at a plastic factory where they made cheap plastic Japanese lanterns on an electric wire to hang up during holidays. His wife was an LPN who worked at night when he came home. She owned a tiny poodle that followed her around the house but whom the husband hated. The house had a nicely furnished living room and kitchen, but the rest was under reconstruction and the man worked on it after he came home and his wife went to work.Trouble began when the man, who was a recovering alcoholic, fell off the wagon. It didn't take long for him to lose his job. Once the job ended, the money stopped and the repairs stopped. It became clear that he was waaaay behind on the bills long before I moved in. First the phone was cut off. Then there was no heat since he couldn't afford oil. To make ends meet, he allowed his brother to move in with his wife. The brother had received a dishonorable discharge from the Navy and was a massive drunk with a full-blooded Cherokee wife who worshipped him and whom he treated terribly. He drank a case of beer every single day and I often had to step over his passed-out form on the way to my room. Piles of empty cases of beer higher than my head were stacked in the hall to be redeemed, and after a while the hall reeked of stale, rotting beer and vomit.Then his sister moved in. His sister was a local prostitute and she turned tricks in her room. There was a steady procession of strange men up and down the stairs all night. When she was arrested, the city came in and took the children away. Sears came and repossessed most of the furniture. The cable TV was shut off so we got a snowy picture using a coat hanger for rabbit ears when we watched "The Paper Chase". The lamps were gone so the house was lit with strings of colorful plastic lanterns left over from the man's job. It was a large house but only the kitchen had heat, provided by the open oven door of the gas stove. Fortunately the water was heated by gas so I always had a hot shower. At one point the sister took a liking to me and said I could "visit" her anytime -- for free. The brother, when he was still reasonably sober, would make silver wedding bands from old silver quarters by tapping them with a spoon over and over and over until they formed a perfect silver ring, and he would sell them. I pitied his Cherokee wife who cleaned his puke and washed his clothes and took the worst verbal abuse I could imagine.The climax came in mid-December at the end of the semester. I hurried home from school, walking the broken-down streets of Fitchburg, Massachusetts, to the cold farmhouse on the edge of town because I had a tuna fish sandwich for dinner, and this was a big deal for me. I was always hungry. When I got home, the husband and wife were in the kitchen. As usual, the oven door was open, blasting heat into the kitchen. The room was the only one with an overhead light, so it was the only fully lit room in the house. The wife was in her nurse whites, preparing for work and water was boiling on the stove for pasta, which she had been in the process of making. I didn't pay attention to them because I wanted only one thing -- the tuna sandwich in the refrigerator. When I sat down at the table, I realized something was wrong. I had walked in on something and the vibes were bad. The man was sitting at the table with a big glass of red wine, which was forbidden since he was a recovering alcoholic. The wife was standing at the stove with her hands on her hips, a wooden spoon in her hand, but her body language showed she was in attack mode. I was gulping down the sandwich when she said, "I fucked your brother. He's so much better than you, you impotent piece of shit."She continued to taunt him and at first he sat there, drinking his wine with his shoulders hunched, taking every insult until the remark about his brother. He looked up at her with hatred and screamed "You bitch!" and threw the glass of red wine at her, covering her nurse whites with red Merlot. She went beserk - no way she could go to work like that. "You cocksucker!," she screamed, and picked up the boiling water pan by the handle and threw it at him. Most missed, and the pan slammed against the wall, but a fair amount of boiling water covered him. "I'll fucking kill you!," he screamed and jumped up and punched her in the face. I sat transfixed, the sandwich halfway to my mouth, as he jumped on her and they fell to the floor. I did nothing as he gave her the sledgehammer punches over and over and over. Her little dog came running into the kitchen, barking and biting at the man and he got up, turned and kicked the dog as hard as he could. The dog squealed and sailed over my head, hit the wall, fell to the floor and ran whimpering out of the room. Then the man turned back to the woman, picked her up by the shoulders and threw her and himself through the glass French door. They went down as he continued to pound her.I dropped the sandwich and ran into the living room, planning to run out to the street. But as I got to the living room, the brother was staggering in, vomit streaming down his front as he fell to his knees to pass out. My mind was racing and I ran up the stairs to my room, closed and locked the door and jumped into bed, pulling the blankets over my head. My heart was pounding. I had just turned 18 and had never seen anything like this in my life. Then I heard the stomping coming up the stairs. It stopped outside my door, and a second later there was an explosion of splintering wood as the man kicked in the door. He pulled the blanket off of me and forced a bottle of Jack Daniels into my hands. "Start drinking," he said. And I did, in total terror for my life. After I was drunk, he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to his car and gave me the keys and told me to drive. And he made me drive to strip club after strip club. The night went by in a drunken blur.I woke up in my bed the next day and immediately threw up all over myself. I was still dressed from the night before. Most of the windows were smashed and the wind was blowing the curtains into the room. It was cold. Everything of value that I owned was gone. The entire house was trashed. I was the only one there. I went to the bathroom and took a hot shower. Then I got dressed, gathered my books and papers from the floor and walked to school. It was the first day of finals and I had to be there.

“Why?” you ask. It’s is all right here in …The Bible – A Koine Greek TragicomedyConceived and written by Zipperhead Frankenberry the Third in collaboration with Captain Caveman, Attila the Honey-do and Shorty-Chan, who was responsible for the naughty bits.Cast of characters:God - Sean ConneryAdam - Christopher LloydEve - Rosie O'DonnellSatan/Talking Snake – Eddie IzzardHumans – Monty Python CastNoah – Alan RickmanAbraham - Foster BrooksAngels - Beau and Luke DukeLot - Ned BeattyCrowd - Herbert Coward, Bill McKinney, Billy Redden, James Dickey, Macon McCalmanLot's 2 virgin daughters - Linda Lovelace and Marilyn ChambersMoses - Charlton HestonPharaoh - Yul BrennerChildren of Israel – Islington Green School ChoirAaron - John CarradineJesus - James MasonJohn the Baptist – Roland the headless Thompson gunnerMatthew – David St. HubbinsMark – Viv SavageLuke – Nigel TufnelJohn – Derek SmallsSaul/Paul - Gilbert GottfriedJohn the Revelator - Charlie SheenGod: I am God, the all-seeing, all-knowing creator of everything! I can do anything except disobey my own arbitrary laws. I know everything that has happened, everything that is happening, and everything that will ever happen. I am infallible and perfect, therefore I can never make mistakes. I will create the universe and everything in it. Then I'll make a male human and I'll make male and female animals to serve my male human.Musical Intro – Innagadadavida performed by Iron ButterflyAdam: Hey God, what am I supposed to do with this thing dangling between my legs?God: Ooops! My mistake! I'll just take one of your ribs and then defy the laws of nature and science by turning your male DNA into a female human.Adam: Cool! Thanks! I still don’t know what to do with this thing dangling between my legs …God: I put this special tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil right in the middle of Eden. Don't eat the fruit, though.Eve: Why would God put this tree in the middle of Eden and tell us not to eat the fruit if He didn't want us to eat the fruit? It’s simple reverse psychology.Snake (who can talk): Yes! Eat the fruit! It will make you just like that God guy. God is as good as it gets. If you want to be good, eat the fruit because right now you know fuck-all and God knows fucking everything. How the hell is that fair?Adam: Yeah, whatever.Eve: Adam, I know what you’re supposed to do with that thing dangling between your legs now. Don’t you dare try to use it with me!Adam: Great Scott! Woman! Put some clothes on! Have you seen the size of your ass?Eve: Does my ass look too big in this fig leaf? You better think about your answer if you want to get lucky tonight.*Innagadadavida Drum Solo*God: Adam? Eve? Where are you? I would like to have a word.Adam: Seriously? I haven’t got a stitch to wear. Couldn’t you call ahead and give like 5 minutes notice so I can put together a suitable wardrobe for these conferences?God: You ate the fruit didn’t you? Wow, I didn't see that one coming. Let this be a lesson to you! You ate the fruit in search of knowledge. Knowledge is forbidden! You are to live your lives in total ignorance and obeisance to me, not go around questioning how things work and where things came from. That’s all very boring stuff anyway. Laboratory experiments gone afoul and the like. Now I’m posed with this wonderful conundrum that you have placed before me: do I take away your knowledge, move the dratted tree someplace where the two of you can’t get to it, perhaps even erase your memories of this entire incident, including that I was ever stupid enough to have placed this dumb tree here in the first place – I can do all that; I am God, after all – or do I inflict punishment on you instead, including, but not limited to: casting you out of Eden, making sure childbirth has the potential to be excruciatingly painful and perhaps even fatal in some cases, blaming the kids for their parents fuck-ups en perpetuity, sending you to war after war where I will require you to commit the most atrocious acts known to man, and last but not least – because I love you so much – roasting in a lake of fire for eternity unless you lick my boots just the way I outline for you to lick them. Well, that might be sufficient.God: Humans! Wakey, wakey! This is God talking to you here. Have I got your attention?Humans: Yeah! Your voice is registering approximately 7.4 on the Richter Scale. We’d have to be dead not to hear you. What’s so damned important that you have to broadcast at three in the bloody AM?God: Glad you asked. You see, I just now had the most brilliant idea. I'm going to try a little experiment. How would you humans like to have free will to do whatever you want to do.Humans: Well, Great! What’s the catch?God: Oh, don’t worry about that right now. Just go forth and be free, my beloved children!Humans: This is amazing! *Do whatever they want to do - ratings were through the roof but the BBC received many complaints from the more conservative audience viewers due to subject matter and men dressing as women in nearly every comedy sketch.*God: Hey! Stop that! I didn't say you could do that! Not on network television in any case!Humans: You said we could do whatever we want ... ?God: Yeah, but I didn't mean that! Now I have to kill every living thing on Earth except for that one guy with the big broat”Humans: “Boat” sir …God: Whatever. “Boat” then. And whatever he can cram inside it while I exterminate the rest of you like the roaches you are.Humans: Yes, well, of course, this is just the sort blinkered philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behind squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist. (shouting) You excrement! You lousy hypocritical whining toady with your lousy colour TV set and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastard. Well I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me!God: Well, we’re sorry you feel that way. Still I’m God and I have to keep my word. I said that I’d kill you along with everything else on earth; and if I said it, I must do it.Humans: I’ll bet our syndicated shows will kill ‘em across the pond on Public Telly. Go on then! Do your worst!God: *While priming his Celestial Pump* Alright then. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.Humans: Hang on. Did you say “kill us and everything else on Earth?” Is that what I heard you say? I thought you were talking about canceling the show …God: Yes. Please do try to keep up. We’re talking about mass murder here. You, them, those people across the street there, your mother-in-law, Michael Caine. They’ll all have to die as well.Humans: We could live with the mother-in-law bit, and Michael Caine, probably. But that couple down the street at the sidewalk café. You don’t really have to kill them as well, right? They’ve done nothing wrong here. Besides that, they’re just adorable. Have you seen them? I mean, it’s just us that are pissing you off, right? So just cancel the show, if you must, and have done! No need for all this drama and gratuitous sex and violence.God: Oh. That does put things in a different light. Who said anything about gratuitous sex? In fact, that’s one of the things that got you in this predicament to begin with: people everywhere having sex! Sex! Have you looked around Heaven? Everyone here’s a guy! The damned Hebrews wrote my wife Asherah out of the Torah. Well they haven’t done that yet, but they will. Remember: I know everything about everyone already. So sex is a bit of a sore spot for me, okay? So, no. I think not. I’m wiping the slate clean. *Leaves to find Noah and his broat*Humans: Well, that could have gone better …God: Noah! Get that broat of yours ready. You’re going to have a full load.Noah: You mean my boat, sir? Full load? Okay then. How many life jackets should I pack?God: Enough for your family and 7 of every clean animal in the world along with 2 of every unclean animal. You’ll have to make special accommodations for the unicorns and dinosaurs. Especially the raptors. Rawr.Noah: How am I going to fit all that into a 58 foot Krogen and two kayaks?God: Hey, I’m God. I can do anything even if it defies all logic, reason, or natural law. What are kryaks?Noah: Kayaks; small streamlined broats … boats … designed for one person to maneuver quickly and easily in lakes, rivers, streams, but that’s entirely beside the point. Now let me ask you this: Who is going to clean up after all those filthy beasts? It won’t be me, I can assure you of that! Not if I live to be 950 years old would I agree to that!God: Well, you’re already more than half way there. What’s another 350 years among friends?Noah: Very well. On one condition: Make it just 2 of everything. Why 7 clean beasts anyway?God: Oh, it’s just this proclivity I have toward hiding meanings within numerical sequences. It will be widely utilized during the 2nd World War. But never mind that right now. I’m going to make it rain for a long time and flood the entire Earth!Noah: Even those other civilizations across the world that we’ve never heard of like the Chinese?God: Chinese? Who are they?Noah: Don’t you just … know? Never mind …God: *To Himself* Chinese … Chinese … why does that word sound so familiar? Note to self: Google “Chinese” when you get back to Heaven.God: Abraham, I’m going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah because they don’t love me or worship me or fear me anymore.Abraham: Hmmmwhhooaa .. <belch> Don’t you think that’s a bihhh a biihhh a bihhht extre <hiccup> extreme? <belch>God: You’re right. I’ll send a couple of angels to see if they can find some good men because I can’t tell if they’re good or bad.Abraham: Wait … don’t you <hiccup> know ever <hiccup> everything?God: Well, yeah ... everything but that…Angels: How-do Lot.Lot: Hey guys! Come on over to the house.Angels: Well, we were going to just hang out over here in the square, maybe give the ‘ol Gen’r’l a tune up an’ do some burn outs but … okay.Crowd: Those two angels look pretty good!Lot: Take a hike!Crowd: Hey angel! You shore got a purty mouth! We’re gonna make you squeal like a pig!Lot: Aww shit! Not this again! Here, rape my two virgin daughters instead. They’re only women, so they’re not important.Crowd: Gang bang!Angels: Well done Lot! Now, get your wife and your daughters and get out of here because God is gonna nuke this cesspool.Lot: That seems a bit extreme. Couldn’t He just pop in and show these guys that He’s real and He’s God and He’s worthy of their worship, thereby winning their hearts and saving their souls so that they can abide with the Lord for all eternity?Angels: This is God we’re talking about here. He’s kind of a sick, sadistic bastard. Plus he hates going out in public.God: Abraham, go kill your son for me, please.Abraham: Yes, oh <hiccup> Lord! <belch> I hear and oba <hiccup> obey … wait ... wha <hiccup> what?God: You heard me. Go get your son, place him on my altar, and kill him for me.Abraham: Well ... if I .. if I <hiccup> have <belch> have to.God: Yes, you have to. I am God!Abraham: *Gets his son and prepares to kill him*God: Just kidding!Abraham: You're one sick, sadi <Hiccup> sadaiyistic bastard, you know tha haa haatt? <belch>God: What?Abraham: Just ki<hic>hidding!God: Moses, go lead my people out of bondage in Egypt. Steal lots of gold and jewelry from them while you’re at it. Aaron will need that stuff to make an idol out of later.Moses: What if Pharaoh won’t let us leave?God: He won’t. I’ll make sure of that. I’ll give him lots of chances, but I’ll always intervene and make him harden his heart, because to hell with that free will thing.Moses: Couldn’t you just come down here and do something only a god could do in front of him and tell him to let us all go?God: What? No death and destruction? Where’s the fun in that?Moses: Pharaoh, let my people go!Pharaoh: Hmmm no.Moses: Oh please?Pharaoh: Well, since you put it that way … no.God: Here, have some nice plague.Pharaoh: This kind of sucks, but still … no.Moses: Hey Pharaoh, while you’re busy dealing with those plagues all of us Israelites are going to head east for the Promised Land.Pharaoh: Wait … what?Moses: See you over by the Red Sea. Don’t forget your life vests.God: Moses, climb up on this mountain and let’s have a little talk.Moses: Yes, Lord. *Climbs mountain* Lord? Are you here Lord?God: Over here Mose.Moses: What behind the burning bush?God: I AM the burning bush.Moses: Really? Somehow I always pictured you as looking a lot like me only shinier.God: Funny how the pictures we create in our minds for people we haven’t actually met are rarely anything like the reality. In a few thousand years, my followers of my other religion will see me as Caucasian with wavy light brown hair instead of Semitic with curly black hair, so you’re not alone in this.Moses: Other religion?God: Never mind that right now. Here are my Ten Commandments. *Stone tablets appear in Moses’ hands*Moses: Thank you, Lord! We will follow your holy laws! *Gets a little too close, ignites beard* Ow! Shit! Ow! *Beats self about the face with stone tablets trying to extinguish beard*God: Sorry about that. Here, try not to break these like the last ones. *Replacement stone tablets appear in Moses’ hands.Moses: *Standing well back from the blaze* Thank *cough, cough* you *wheeze, gasp* oh Lord!Meanwhile, back at the ranch….Crowd: Hey Aaron, we need a symbol of our god to follow.Aaron: Okay. Bring me all that stolen Egyptian jewelry. *Melts jewelry and makes a golden calf*Crowd: Yay!Moses: What the heck is going on here? God just gave me these ten commandments, one of which is to not have any graven images! Don’t you people know that?Crowd: Well, since God just now gave you those commandments … no. What happened to your face?Moses: I don’t wanna talk about it!Children of Israel – Musical Interlude (To the tune of Another Brick in the Wall Part 2)We don’t need no Ten CommandmentsWe don’t need tablets of stoneYou talked to God and burned your beard offMoses leave that bush aloneHey Moses! Leave that bush aloneWhen we get to Canaan, we’ll start building some wallsIf you make us angry then we’ll tear down your wallsCrowd: Hey Moses, how long are we going to wander around in the wilderness like a stubborn husband in an unfamiliar city whose wife keeps harping on him to stop and ask for directions?Moses: Until I say we’re there.Crowd: This kinda sucks. Especially the food.God: What a bunch of ingrates! *Sends poisonous snakes to bite the Israelites*Crowd: OW!Moses: It’ll be okay. I’ll just make us a bronze snake idol and if you look at it the snakes won’t hurt you.Crowd: How is this different from our golden calf?God: Moses, I have a few additional laws for my people to follow. They must follow all of my laws strictly and to the letter in order to gain entry into Heaven!Moses: *Grabs newly invented fire extinguisher* Thank you, Oh Lord!God: *Lists off 613 laws*Moses: Is that all? *Rolls eyes*God: Go forth my faithful Children of Israel and wage war upon your neighbors, slaughter them all – even the trees! Butcher the animals! I crave bloodshed! Kill the men! Murder the boy children! Murder the women! Keep the girl children! Rape the girl children repeatedly! I am God! I say so!Children of Israel: Wow! You’re really one sick, sadistic bastard! But … sure! Sounds like fun! Especially that whole “Rape the girl children” part!*Repeat as necessary*God: Well my first plan for the Earth; rule her with the iron fist of a tyrant, promotion of indiscriminate murder, incest, and wanton destruction of life and property seems to have been a miserable failure. I’ll change my entire philosophy, as well as my temperament, and save as many of my children from myself as I can. I’ll disobey my own arbitrary law by raping a betrothed 12 year old virgin and impregnating her with myself. Then I (my human self) will go out and teach people about me (my immortal self) and how good and kind and loving I am, even though I’m really one sick, sadistic bastard. Now, where have I heard that phrase before? No matter! After I have grown a nice little following I’ll make one of my followers betray me. You’ll all think it’s his own choice due to my free will clause, but since everything that has ever happened, is happening, or will ever happen is already known to me and I know what every single person throughout the history of the Earth is going to do before they do it, free will is kind of not exactly real. Then I’ll beg myself to deliver myself from death, but I will deny myself pardon and hang on a cross for a few days until I die. Then I’ll come back to life and wander around with my homies for a while longer before going to hell and releasing all of the souls that I have had put there since the beginning of time. After that I’ll come back here to Heaven and hang out with myself and my other self until the end of the world. Yes! That’ll work!Jesus: John, take me to the river, drop me in the water. Take me to the river, dip me in the water. Washing me down, washing me down.John the Baptist: I’m not worthy.Jesus: Oh for the love of Dad! Stop groveling. Have a little self-respect for Dad’s sake!John the Baptist: I’m sorry oh Lord! I must’ve lost my head. It’s okay! I found it! (Points to head) Obviously!Jesus: <nods> Yes, and enough with the apologizing! Every time I turn around somebody seems to think they need to apologize for some damn thing! I need to get out of here and clear my head. Forty days and forty nights should do the trick.Jesus: *Wanders off into the wilderness*Satan: Well, now. I wonder where He’s off to. This could be interesting!*40 days and 40 nights later* (40 Days and 40 Nights © Chess Records and Muddy Waters. Used without permission)Satan: Nice dissolve!Jesus: Somebody say something? Who’s there? Show yourself!Satan: Oh don’t worry Jeez ol’ buddy. It’s just me.Jesus: Lovely pants suit, Satan! Where did you get those fabulous pumps?Satan: Oh, they were having a half off sale at the Galilee Galleria.Jesus: To what do I owe the dubious pleasure or your company?Satan: Oh you do have a certain charm about you, don’t you? I just thought you might be a bit peckish after 40 days and nights without cake or death.Jesus: Well a few more nights without cake could very well result in death.Satan: I heard a rumor awhile back from a certain demon I know, Legion was the name, that you turned some water to a nice Chardonnay. Maybe you could turn one of these rocks here on the ground into a nice roast brisket.Jesus: For some reason I had a feeling you were going to suggest bread. But seriously, why didn’t you suggest some BBQ pork ribs? After all, you’re supposed to be trying to tempt me into doing something atrociously wrong.Satan: Don’t you think pork would be just a bit too obvious? Well, fuck all that anyway. Let’s go to town! I hear there’s a huge Black Friday sale at Solomon’s today.Jesus: Solomon’s? The Temple?Satan: Yes! If you’re short of cash there are several money lenders on hand.Jesus: I hate money lenders … Let’s go!Satan and Jesus fly off to the city and land on the top of the templeSatan: Ok Jeez ol’ buddy, I dare you to jump off.Jesus: Why in my own name would I want to do that?Satan: You’re the Son of Yourself, aren’t you? That is to say, the Son of one of the other two Gods that are watching all this on the telly from Heaven. Isn’t that right? So, if you are, you can prove it right here and now.Jesus: What? Prove it to you? What on Earth for?Satan: It beats using the stairs or waiting in line for the elevator … Let me ask you something while we’re here: Is it true that the reason we don’t have dinosaurs and unicorns today is because Noah put them all in one kayak and it capsized, and by the time Noah got the Krogen stopped it was too late to save them? You don’t … know either? Well, I’ve had enough of the city. Let’s take a ride to the high country.Satan and Jesus fly to the mountainsSatan: Would you just look at the view from up here! You can actually see the edges of our flat Earth!Jesus: Wow! You can really see the clarity of the crystal Dad used for the dome! *pokes at the sun - Satan bats his hand away*Satan: Jesus Christ! Don’t touch that! What the hell is wrong with you? *shakes head in disbelief* So, yeah … anyway, you can have all of this if you just bow down and worship me!Jesus: All of it? Just for worshipping you? That seems pretty cheap. What’s the catch?Satan: No catch, Jeez. It’s a legit deal!Jesus: But, I seem to remember something Moses said awhile back about situations like this …Satan: Moses? Wasn’t he that schmuck who couldn’t follow simple directions from Egypt to Canaan? I mean that’s a pretty straight forward trip right there – go east past the Sinai and take a left at Eilat. How the hell did he get lost and wander the wilderness for forty bloody years there? And why would anyone in their right mind listen to a fool like that anyway?Jesus: I see your point. So, what was the deal again?Satan: Never mind! You’re as useless as Moses was. And you call yourself a god … I’ll bet you couldn’t ski a herd of Elephants over the Alps like Hannibal.Jesus: Who?Satan: Oh, well, that hasn’t happened yet, but trust me. You could never do it. I got no more use for you.Angels: Jesus! We’ve been looking all over for you!Jesus: I’ve been in the wilderness, in the city, and up here on this bloody mountain. Where were you looking?Angels: Well, ummm … first we checked the wine guy’s place, then over at that one guy with all the pigs? Remember him? Trust me, Beau and I put some serious miles on the General Lee looking for you.Jesus: You have enough fuel left in the tank to get to Galilee? I have a paid speaking engagement coming up over there that I don’t want to miss.The General Lee, with Luke behind the wheel, jumps across several small streams, squeals its tires on dirt roads, and eventually drops Jesus off in Galilee.Jesus: Good evening! Sorry about the cameras tonight. If they get in the way and piss you off, we’ll get rid of them. Throw them right out in the street. Good, everyone’s fine? We’ll just do the regular show then. Occasionally the lights may come up from the side and you’ll say “Oh! I can see myself!” We just want to know that you’re still there. So, there might be a few things, but I’ll be extra funny tonight, just for you people. After all, I’m Jesus and you’re not. So, dum de dum … comedy! Oh, yes! The Old Testament! The beginning of the world! That’s where stuff began in the Christian version of things. Most of us here tonight are Jews. At least for now. Everyone in the Old Testament had big “fuck-off” beards, didn’t they? And deep voices. Moses, Elijah, Abraham. Big assed fuck off beards! They had voices in the sky, clouds and chariots, and burning bushes! Burning bushes and burning beards. Lucky for Moses that grew back and covered the scars! Even the dogs in the Old testament had big beards. So, God (that’s me, by the way) created the world in seven days! I really shouldn’t have given myself such a tight schedule. Should have done it more like Microsoft, really. “It’ll be done by Saturday, maybe Tuesday next week. We’ll bring it out when we’re fucking ready, alright?” So I created the world. I was Sean Connery at the time, but I’ve changed since then. I had to get a whole new perspective on the sin thing. You know, toss all the sinners indiscriminately into a big huge lake of fire, or maybe, just maybe give some of them a chance at not being miserable for forever and a day or two, maybe three. Anyway, I created the world back then. On the first day I created light and air and fish. I like fish. Then I created jam and soup and potatoes, along with haircuts and arguments. Then small things like rabbits and people with noses. And more jam, and Scotsmen and tobogganing, and grandmothers, and toasters, and showers. Then stuff started happening. Lots and lots of stuff. I’m sure you’ve all heard about it. Lot and Moses and Abraham. Noah and the big broat. He did manage to save a lot of animals on his broat. And the two kryaks on tow lines behind it. Then you people started the whole mess all over again, and dad got pissed again, and now here I am. Apparently it’s my job to clean up your mess this time. Don’t screw this one up. That’s all I have to say. Now, who’s got the loaves and fishes? Is fishes even a word? Isn’t fish one of those weird words that is spelled the same for both plural and singular? Whatever. It’s lunch time!Jesus: Well guys, it's been a fun 33 years, but I gotta jet soon, so here's the deal: I’m leaving, but I'll be coming back with the fire and the brimstone and all the power of God in my hand. I'll cleanse the Earth of evil, and set myself up as King and rule for a thousand years.Disciples: When? And why only a thousand years?Jesus: Verily I say unto you ... wait ... do I really speak like that? That’s silly! It'll happen in your lifetimes. Seriously. Within the next thirty to fifty years I'll be back with the power and the glory. Why only a thousand years? Well a thousand is a long time. None of you have any concept of the span of time - billions of years - that the Earth has already existed since I told Moses I did it all in a week. That's not important right now! Let’s go have dinner. I’m starving! Who makes the best pork ribs and lobster in this town?*Later that evening at Hymie’s House of Hummus*Jesus: One of you will betray me this night.Disciples: Who, Lord? Who among us would do such a thing?Jesus: Judas.Judas: *Looks guilty* My Lord?Jesus: Would you please pass the wine?*Musical Interlude*Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad.Other things just make you swear and curse.When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle.And this'll help things turn out for the best.And...Always look on the bright side of life.(Whistle)Always look on the light side of life.(Whistle)If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten.And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.When you're feeling in the dumps don't be silly, chumps.Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.And…Always look on the bright side of life.(Whistle)Always look on the right side of life.(Whistle)For life is quite absurd and death's the final word.You must always face the curtain with a bow.Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin.Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.So always look on the bright side of death.(Whistle)Just before you draw your terminal breath.(Whistle)Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it.Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.You'll see it’s all a show, keep 'em laughin’ as you go.Just remember that the last laugh is on you.And...Always look on the bright side of life.(Whistle)Always look on the right side of life.(Whistle)Matthew: Mary Magdalene and some other broad named Mary went to Jesus’ tomb … even though criminals who were crucified were rarely entombed; just left to hang on their crosses for the buzzards.Mark: Salome was with them.Matthew: No, she wasn’t.Luke: It wasn’t Salome, it was Joanna. And some other women.Matthew: Wrong!John: It was just Mary Magdalene.Luke: Did his resurrection last more than four hours?John: He didn’t say, and Mary refused to answer the question.Matthew: What does this have to do with my story?Luke: Well, according to the adverts on the telly you’re supposed to seek medical help if your resurrection lasts more than four hours.Mark: I think you’re confusing that with something else.Luke: It’s a good thing He had both Marys, Joanna and those other birds around to help Him out with that.Matthew: What are you even talking about? I’m talking about the resurrection. What are you all on about?Luke: You’ve seen those ads! They’re always on during Prime Time telly. 4 hour resurrections can cause irreparable harm.Mark: You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.Matthew: Will you guys please shut up and let me tell the story?Mark, Luke, & John: Okay … you pushy git.Matthew: An Angel of the Lord appeared before them and rolled away the stone that sealed Jesus’ tomb…Mark: Well, they didn’t actually see the Angel roll the stone. He was inside the tomb when they got there, and the stone was already rolled away.Matthew: Seriously?Luke: There were two Angels …John: Actually it was Peter and some other guy who went into the tomb first. Then Mary Magdalene – by herself – met the two Angels.Matthew: Ahem! My story? So, the Angel (singular!) told the two Marys - *glares at Mark, Luke, and John* - that Jesus was gone to Galilee. So, the two Marys - *Glares again* - went to tell the disciples the good news. When they got there, Jesus was already there telling them all to meet Him in Galilee, so that’s where they all went.Mark: No, He showed up after Mary Magdalene told them He was in Galilee. Then He put in an appearance so that His disciples would believe her.Luke: Before they left Peter went into the tomb to verify their story.John: Peter was in the tomb before Mary, so having him go back to the tomb seems sort of redundant. Not only that, but Jesus talked to Mary M. before she went to tell the disciples about the miracle of the resurrection.Mark: No He didn’t!Matthew: You guys are impossible! I give up!Saul: My name’s Paul you idiot!Paul: That’s better! All you people in all your cities! You all suck! You’re going to roast in hell unless you bow down to the One God. He is the Only God. There are three of Him. This is My God, Yahweh; and My Other God, Jesus; and My Other-Other God, The Holy Ghost. You can call Him “Holy” for short. Or Just “Ho” if you want. Now, remember all those laws that God gave to Moses? Forget about them! We don’t need no stinking laws! Do whatever you feel like and as long as you tell God you’re sorry later, it’s all good!John the Revelator: I had a vision. Lots of bad stuff is going to happen and then Our Lord will return! Winning!People: When?John the Revelator: Next year! Or the year after. You’ll all probably still be alive. Or it may not happen for a couple hundred years. But rest assured it WILL happen. Someday. I’m sure of it. Either that or I ate some bad mushrooms.**2,000+ years pass**Disciples: You think maybe Jesus took a wrong turn somewhere?

“Who Would Win in a 1 vs 1 Fight, Khal Drogo or The Mountain?”Below: Please click on images to see them at much larger/cooler sizes.Above: Khal Drogo, of the Dothraki, the toughest men on earth. And as their Khal, and having to fight every step of his way to get there, from poverty to battling the cream of the entire Dothraki nation’s best warriors, Drogo is The Toughest MAN On Earth. The Dancer.Above: ”The Mountain.” Biggest man on earth, and he had to fight his way…actually he didn’t have to fight anything as he was the rich, pampered son of a noble and he is just simply, by an accident of birth, The Biggest Man On Earth. The Slugger.AND IN THIS CORNER…I’m stunned at some of the answers here calling a win for The Mountain. No way to tell for sure of course, but I doubt any of them have ever been in a real fight, and by “real fight” I don’t mean some drunken wrestling/punching match outside some bar with black eyes, lost teeth, broken noses and muscle pulls. I mean a real fight where somebody's going to jail, the ER, or the morgue.I have been in a fight like that and am still here to tell the tale.I have also been a fencer both privately and for my roles as a former Shakespearian actor. I have also been involved with historical/battle reenactments with professionals. I have also been an archer since age 12 and a fletcher since age 18.Above: I have fenced with women of every size, shape, race, age, gender, religious denomination and zip code, and their quickness, speed of eye, coordination and reflexes make them some of the very best. I started his particular young women on the foil but had to switch her up to the sabre because she just couldn’t get the point.From my personal point of view here’s my insights:It’s not even close. Khal Drogo would win in less than a minute but very likely much less. (Despite what Hollywood portrays, showing beautiful choreographed fight scenes in slow motion, real fights happen faster than you can believe, usually never longer than 30 seconds at the very most, or if evenly matched then just a few seconds more. You have to move faster than your brain can think but it must think, and you must rely on your training and muscle memory. And despite what the movies show, there are no exaggerated movements, no huge swings, no jumping about. When you watch fight scenes from movies like ‘300’ or ‘Troy,’ you see them spinning around and making huge over-arcing motions with their swords, however in reality this would have gotten you killed instantly.)Part of the answer to who would win this duel is by looking at Khal Drogo’s hair. Remember in the book when Dany first sees Drogo she comments on his hair, that it is so long and it’s full of bells. Magister Illyrio Mopatis tells her that Drogo wears a bell for every man he’s killed in combat, (remember: emphasis on “combat,”) and that if a Dothraki ever loses a fight he has to cut his hair. Drogo’s is so long and so full of bells because he has never, repeat never, lost a fight.Above: Great hair! He’s a lover AND a fighter.The Mountain is a big guy, with a big sword, and big armor. Bronn says he’s fast for such a big guy, emphasis on “for a big guy.” But not fast for a “quick guy.” We see The Mountain getting beat/outfoxed on the jousting track by Loras Tyrell, and go berserk when he loses his head (not a good quality in battle, losing your head. Kinda tends to having you actually lose your head.)Above: Sir Gregor loses in the joust to Sir Loras. Then he loses his cool.And shortly thereafter, loses his horse. At his own hand. And then we see The Hound fight him to a standstill with swords, protecting Loras. Not so undefeatable.Above: We see him murdering the almost helpless/inexperienced page who drugged Robert, putting a lance through his throat, which took a lot of courage.We hear about the Mountain raiding the Riverland's, especially from peasants he’s terrorized. Nothing about him fighting other knights.Above: The Hound, significantly smaller and weaker than The Mountain, fights him to a draw to save Loras. Not unbeatable at all.We see Cersei coming to see him as he’s slaughtering unarmored peasants with that big, heavy sword of his, peasants who drop their pitiful weapons and piss themselves before he disembowles them. Pretty brave stuff.Above: The scene where The Mountain is…I don’t know, trying out his new sword? Because all he is doing is dissecting unarmed peasants.We see Jamie saying he could take him if his hand was still on, and Bronn saying he could fight him but what’s in it for him. We know the Hound thinks he can take his brother, and proved it protecting Loras. We see him being totally outclassed, totally out -ought, totally out-maneuvered in the one-sided battle with Oberyn Martell, who beats him with the consistence of an atomic clock. Oberyn who fights with quickness and intelligence like Drogo. Oberyn gets cocky and dies, and the Mountain also dies. For a while.Above: Oberyon had him cold but lost his head and lost his head.Drogo is fast for a fast guy. He’s also incredibly quick (“quick” and “fast” are two different things and Drogo has both.) We see him beat Mago, a terribly dangerous Blood-Rider, and he beats him without a weapon, dodging an experienced fighter almost nose to nose, his quickness without parallel. Besides being ungodly quick and incredibly fast, has never lost, he has a lifetime of experience, is very intelligent, has never lost, is a master of all weapons, a master of combat moves, is as strong as a bull, simply has no fear. Did I mention he has never lost?Drogo not so simply has genius when it comes to killing. Like the greatest athletes he has a natural athletic ability and lightning coordination that makes him unbeatable. He is, in other words the Alexander the Great/Mozart/Einstein/Michael Jordan of hand to hand combat and he would move so fast he would carve up The Mountain like a side of veal.THE MOUNTAIN’S WEAPONS.Above: The Mountain in the process of being carved up like a big fat Christmas goose. Speed, coordination, quickness, battle knowledge always win. Getting emotional, too confident, angry, afraid always lose. Of course, the Moun tain does have that 6 foot sword, so everything should work out ok for him…shouldn’t it?Above: I couldn’t find an image of The Mountain’s sword but found one of his toenail clipper.His huge sword. His laughably huge sword. A huge sword that will not kill anyone deader than “dead,” is strictly for showing off and intimidation, and unless he can kill in the first minute or so, a sword that will just get heavier and heavier by the second. The Mountain would be better served with a sword just as long but without so much heft. Anything to make him quicker would be desirable, but not for a man without all his dogs barking.Above: The Mountain will use his legendary big sword, “Big Sword.” He thinks he can cut the world with it…”Indie,” er…Khal Drogo, will test him on that and use…subtler, ranged weapons.If they fight on horseback it will be the lance. We have already seen The Mountain fighting on horseback, as I mentioned just above. Losing to Loras and defeating an inexperienced boy.THE MOUNTAIN’S ARMOR.A suit of armor, especially as big as the Mountain’s can be a game changer, but only when fighting similarly armed and armored men, or men slower than yourself. Normal full suits of plate metal weighed 35-65 pounds of quality steel.But jousting plate were made with thicker metal. These were from 92-105 lbs, very heavy. The Mountain would be in his most protective armor and with his size and shape armor of 300–350 pounds would not be unheard of. And that’s a LOT of steel.Oh, no! How will Drogo ever strike at such an invulnerable enemy?Above: Plate armor. Very tough. Unless you hit it in the right spots with the right weapons. Check out the gaps: ankles, knees, groin, wrists, elbows, shoulder, neck eyes, and one big one that is almost always forgotten, the ass. These armors are designed for the knight to fight on horseback, not walk. Walking will exhaust you relatively quickly. You must fight from horseback letting your steed carry the bulk of the armor. But you can’t sit on and help steer the horse if you are sitting on steel, it has to be more open to actually ride.A suit of armor is essentially an exoskeleton: it has joints in it where a human has joints. It has slits where a human has to see, and often where he breaths. The trick is to hit him in those joints…Above: An Exoskeleton.Above: This is The Mountain’s standard armor. Big, thick, strong just like Greg himself. But do you see the huge weak point? Yes, you “saw” it right away: the large gap between the gorget and the helm, allowing quite good visibility for Gregor, but exposing the entire eye area to arrows, thrown daggers, whips, sand, spears, nerf balls… The Dothraki, er, Mongols, marksman as they were, could hit, with those powerful recurve bows, small moving game, (rabbit sized) regularly at 35 yards…think Drogo could hit a slow moving target the size of Gregor’s eye slit at 10 yards?In addition to the centuries old standbys of chain mail, reinforced leather, and partial plate, armorers of this period in Westeros produced articulated, full body steel plate armor fitted to the wearer.This kind of armor was the height of military technology and provided amazing protection and, unlike chain mail which hung heavily on the shoulders, distributed the weight of the armor evenly across the body, giving a warrior good mobility…for a while…Above: The Mountain raiding the Riverlands. Killed a lot of farmers, burned a lot of farms, stole and romanced a lot of sheep, just his way of saying “hey” to the local folk and practicing for his duel with Drogo.It goes with out saying that cutting against metal armor especially plate is a useless exercise, as most weapons including the longsword are light and nimble weapons and don't have the weight or power to cut through quality armor or deliver enough concussive force to break bone under armor.So trying to power through plate is useless, and and if you are unarmored like Drogo and you are fighting an armored foe like The Mountain, that is the last thing you would ever try. To get through a suit of plate armor a warrior had to attack the gaps in the armor with precise attacks…Above: One, but not the only, way to find there gaps that you can exploit to strike the flesh beneath, is to look for the leather, where leather is used to cushion the flesh from the steel, an uncomfortable union. The armor on the arms, elbows, shoulders, knees, basically all the joints is vulnerable.So the technic is to always go for the weakness of your enemy and with plate armor,the weakness is the gaps: the visor, the armpits, the elbow, and the 'seat area' where the body touches the saddle - the buttocks, the back of the thigh, the back of the knee, the thinner armor on the arms and legs, and the groin. Now this is assuming *full* plate armor; lesser and lighter will have more weaknesses - mainly the neck, but The Mountain will wear his finest, the one with the most coverage, the thickest, the heaviest, the heaviest…did I mention it would be the heaviest?Above: Properly-made plate is shaped, tempered, and hardened for maximum protection. It is specifically designed to ward off broad cutting edges. The curved surfaces will force most blows to simply glance/bounch off, and even assuming they do bite in, the steel is strong enough to resist most blows.So The Mountain will be very well protected…well…Someone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, what weapons could Drogo even use? It is common knowledge on the chat rooms and previous Quora answers that all weapons, especially the arahk would be quite useless against The Mountain’s invincible armor.”You;ve just about convinced me, Mr. Chatroom, and perhaps that’s true, perhaps it is hopeless, but let’s explore…DROGO’S WEAPONS.The weapon Drogo and the Dothraki are most associated with, on tv anyway, is the curved, scythe-like arahk, perfectly useless against a set of plate mail like The Mountain wears.Above: Arahk, side arm of Dothraki warriors, tremendously successful against lightly armored foes, But against heavy plate, practically worthless, although here are some alternatives Drogo could consider…THE LONGSWORD.Above: Two fighters who know what the are doing. Sir Jamie knows just a little bit more and has that nasty looking dagger as a backup…The Germans referred to fighting in armor as “harnessfechten” and I’m going to very briefly focus on the longsword use in harnessfechTo fight an armored foe with longsword a warrior has to get in close, increase his control of the point of his sword, be able to defend against blows, and be ready to grapple. To answer to the this problem, across almost all the sources, was half-swording. Cutting isn't an option but thrusting/piercing is a possibility if…Above: Ned: I am your father, John.John: Not unless you’re a Targaryen, and you first name is spelled R-h-a-e-g-a-r.Half-swording was a technique in which a fighter would hold his Longsword with one grip on the handle and another on the blade, giving a fighter excellent control of the tip of their sword and turning their weapon into a giant lever that can be used in close range fighting and basically turns your sword into a short spear.There are techniques to holding a sword like that, even with a bare hand. Most use gloves or gauntlets to protect their hands and some would carefully dull their blades at those points.Half-swording can allow a fighter, a quick fighter, to close the gap, while defending against blows and enter grappling range.Above: No one could “swash a buckle” like Flynn: Robin Hood, Captain Blood, The Seahawk and many more…That strategy would be similar to what a half-sword fighter could use against an aggressor using an ax, club, mace, fail, or another weapon that required wide swings to be effective. When two men with longswords met, especially if they were wearing armor, could both employ half-swording.Above : Video of Princess Bride duel with light sabers.In that case the first attack would often be to thrust or try to cut at open parts of the armor, using the half-sword grip for increased control over the point of the sword.Above: A great matchup. But Darth Maul’s lack of focus and hubris combined with ObiWan’s genius meant that Maul’s whole left side was cut off. Ouch! But he’s all right now.If the initial thrust could be turned the combatants would engage in a clinch fight, one in which they used their swords as large levers. They would maneuver for position, trying to get into position were they could do damage or trying to achieve a takedown.Above: Knights in armor vs bows is a is a very unfair fight…for the knight.If a long-swordsman completely reversed his grip of the weapon and gripped the blade with both hands, he could use the sword as a club. Known as "Morte-striking", some longswords had cross-guards and pommels specifically designed to do serious harm in morte-striking.Above: "Morte-striking.” “A sword can kill in other ways…” Liam Neeson -Kingdom of Heaven.Above: The Man.Above: The Jedi Man.There was another option, called Wrestling at the Sword, or “Ringen am Schwert” by the German teachers. If a warrior, a quick warrior, could take an armored opponent down, trip/leverage him off his feet using his own bulk, then he would have the help of gravity to held drive his point home as he attacked the gaps in the plate armor and tried to piece the secondary layer of armor.Above: “If you were waiting for the opportune moment, sorry, that was it.” – Captain Jack SparrowIt would take a very quick fighter, with some strength to pull this off. If the fighter knew what he was doing and understood leverage, much of the work of getting an armored man off his feet could be done, even if that armored man was large. And once off his feet, well, the bigger they are the harder they fall.Above: “Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again.” – Captain Jack Sparrow.Generally speaking, engaging an armored combatant with a sword will rely first on debilitating him enough so that he can be borne to the ground, and once he's on the ground, his weak points may be more easily exploited with sword or with dagger.Above: “OK, did everyone see that THIS time? Because I will not, I repeat NOT be doing it again.” – Captain Jack SparrowTakedowns could be done from half-swording, with a regular grip on the sword, or with no sword at all.Above: the fighters on the left showing the strength and leverage a half-sword grip can obtain, combined with striking the very vulnerable throat, almost decapitating a foe.After a takedown, a ground fight could very well follow and the goal in most cases was not submission hold. A good dagger would be basic equipment and this would be a much faster and easier way to kill an enemy. The mission was often to gain control of a grounded enemy and then use a dagger designed to pierce armor to find a gap in the armor, and drive it home with the aid of gravity. and then …farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…Above: The quickest way to kill anyone is by deeply damaging the brain and simply cutting the “motors.” They instantly just…stop.THE POLEAXA weapon especially designed for fighting plate is the poleax, which is about what it sounds like: an axe on a pole.Above: As the armored knights gave way to the bow, crossbow and firearms, longer pol-based weapons continued to be effective in the Middle Ages.A poleax has a ton of very nasty bits on the head, and just to be even more cruel most 'knightly' poleaxes also had a spike on the tail-end of the shaft. Axe-blades are used for a number of duties, against unarmored targets, for instance, and for armored targets, the other side of the head is an armor-piercing implement- sometimes a hammer with teeth a hammer, a “beak,”or a “Lucerne head.” What the points do is to give the poleax the focus of force to 'bite into” plate instead of just glancing off.Above: The proverbial “One Knight Stand.”Poleax’s can be swung with incredible power, (ever swing an axe?) and their long length puts the user out of the reach of any weapon except missile weapons or other pole-arms.A poleax can both pierce plate or shatter the bones of someone inside armor. Some pole-arms were fitted with hooks and foot soldiers could grab and pull a knight off his horse. After that happened the knight would be almost helpless having to lug around his own armor and almost blinded by the poor visibility within the helmet. and then …farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…THE MACE.Above: In a fight between the longsword, on the right, and the mace-type weapon on the left, the mace wins 3 out of 5 at least. The sword can't cut, and only with herculean strength can pierce. But the mace’s appendages can “bite” in and pierce or else break bones.The mace has always been a very effective traditional weapon against plate armor, also able to “bite” in and pierce armor but also pound/break bones. Clean. simple effective.Above: Various mace-types of implements of mayhem.In the Middle Ages priests were not allowed to shed blood, yet many joined their parishes on the battlefield. They used simple clubs or maces. This would be a much tougher weapon to use, against the Mountain’s long sword but not impossible.Above: This warrior is prepared for war with mace and sword.DOTHRAKI WHIP.The whip has been seen a number of times in “Ganme of Thrones,” most memorably being when the wine merchant tries to poison Danni and then tries to run, Her blood-rider whips that wonderful whip round the man’s neck and sends him reeling back.Above: Incredibly dangerous, incredibly fast.In the gladiatorial games, one of the most dangerous fighters was “the fisherman,”a “Retiarius,” armed with “Poseidon’s” trident and a net, who fought naked. He was usually pitted against a “fish,” a “Secutor,” a gladiator with protected right arm, left leg, a shield, a good helmet and a gladius stabbing sword, one of the most successful weapons in history.Above: Viserys’ threatens Danni. Not while her blood-riders are around, and they are always around.At first glance it seems lopsided: a man with armor, shield and sword fighting a naked man with a net and spear? It was lopsided buut not in the way you think…The net was actually more dangerous than the trident. A well trained, clever and ruthless “fisherman’ would toss the net at you, throw it on the ground in front of you to trip you, snap it at your face to make you blink and gain a second on you, try to “catch” you in his net, so that even if you were encumbered for a second, he could stick that motherless steel in you. The net was very much like the Dothraki whip, a weapon and a distraction at the same time.Above: Fish and Fisherman.The Fish has to get close but the Fisherman can quickly choke up on the shaft of the trident but is vulnerable, depending on what “hand” he is to the shaft being hung up on one side of this body. Slight advantage to the Secutor. At medium or longer lengths the Fisherman has the clear advantage. If you were a betting man, bet on the Retiarius.Above: The “Fisherman” actually had a little “song” that he’d softly sing to the “Fish,” to lure/coax/hypnotize him into the net.Above: Whip it good.Drogo’s whip could do some of the same: like the wine merchant, it could whip around a neck, whip around a foot, whip around a wrist, snap at an eye, all designed to help Drogo race at Gregor, slide low on his folded legs, get behind him, and WHAM! hamstring him, and WHAM! stick a dagger in his eye.Above: Indiana Jones is the most famous users of the whip on the screen but it wasn’t always so…Above: The Batman comics, TV series and movies introduced us to “Catwoman,” a whip-crackin’, superhero seducin’, evil-plan-producin’ powerhouse of a villainess. First portrayed on the screen by Eartha Kitt-warm.Above: Then by the lovely Julie Newmar-warmer.Above: Then by Michelle Pfeiffer-hot. (I knew the gal who helped train the guy who trained Michelle how to use the bull whip. She said that he said that Michelle really was a good student and became quite skilled at the whip, and was a cool person to boot. There’s also a scene where a live canary pops out of Catwoman’s mouth and every one thought Michelle would be freaked out by it, but she nailed it on the first take, looked around at everybody gawking at her and said, “What? We’re all professionals here! You don’t think YOU’RE going to have to eat a live canary someday on set? Wrongo, as*holes, the “soup-lines” are full of actors who couldn’t eat live canaries!”Above: Then by Halle Berry-very hot. Not good with the whip, though, from what I heard.Above: Finally by Anne Hathaway- by far, -scorching!!!!!!!!!! For some reason the whip wasn’t in the movie but who cares, I mean, really. Catwoman DOES get to ride the Batcycle so that more than makes up for it.Above: Anne Hathaway as “Selina Kyle,” cat burglar, aka “Catwoman.” (I have an actor friend in Hollywood who says that Anne is in reality THE nicest person in the “Biz.” She met Anne at a party and Anne really was kind and helped her out with great advice.)Where were we? Oh, yes…Above: Indie, pick up the whip…People will say, “Even if he did wrap a whip around The Mountain’s wrist, so what? He’s so strong he could easily break free.” The point is to make him focus on that thing/event while it is happening, then with quickness, while he is focused on getting that whip off his wrist, slip behind him, and once that happens the game is over. You get hamstrung and you are instantly helpless on the ground and no amount of “strength” or willpower, or fury can change the fact that your ligaments and muscles have just been severed and you will be at once turned into a crab, clawing across the ground. and when that happens…farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…“The Mountain…?”THE SPEAR/LANCE—OBERYON VS DROGOOberyon used a spear to great effect against The Mountain. To have the greatest chance to predict what will happen in the future we must look to the past. Oberon completely outmatched Gregor, beat him pretty handily except for one tight second. He got cocky, though and the Mountain took advantage of that. Oberyon’s emotions got the best of him.Above: Oberyon to The Mountain: “Let’s party!”That would not happen to Drogo. Drogo has no connection to Gregor, no axes to grind, not even a “dog” in this fight except his life. Oberyon was an incredible fighter, and learning about him we see that he was a king’s son, given years of training with his father’s weapons masters and even fighting overseas serving with the Second Sons mercenary unit. He didn’t need the money, he did it as a lark, for adventure, to test his skills and bravery. He knows what he’d doing. He’s quick, strong and courageous.Drogo was not a king’s son. He didn’t spend years practicing with his father’s weapons masters. He did not serve with the Second Sons.Above: How many Dothraki screamers did Drogo have to challenge, fight and kill to reach the top of 40,000 warriors?He grew up dirt poor and had to literally fight for every piece of food he put in his mouth. Who knows how young he was when he first killed a man. His “practice grounds” were the wars the Dothraki fought with other Dothraki tribes, other enemies, and against other Dothraki of his own clan. He somehow survived and, by fighting every day, became a “super fighter,” learning from what he watched and what personally happened to him. Not only did he survive, he thrived. He bit by bit, started to rise in the Dothraki hierarchy, and the only way to do that was to challenge, fight and kill that higher Archie. And then to reach the next rung, fight again. And again, and again.Above: Ditto.And even though he’s reached Khal, other challengers want what he’s got, and are going to try to kill him for it. There are no “assassinations” in the Dothraki culture, it’s all face to face, “Here I am, let’s dance.” He doesn’t rule the Dothraki as a lark, it is all he knows, and he doesn't “serve” anybody, baby, they all serve him. He doesn’t have to test his courage, it’s something he hasn’t even thought about since he was nine, if he didn’t have it he wouldn’t have lived to age ten.As brilliant a fighter as Oberyon is, he is, compared to Drogo, an amateur, a day trader, a “weekend warrior.”In a fight between Oberyon and Drogo, it would be much closer than the walk-over The Mountain would be, but it would still go to the professional, Drogo.Above: Drogho about to fight and kill Mago…unarmed. I have the video of this fight at the bottom. I count eight (8) swipes Mago takes at him from no more than 2 feet away, all of which Drogo dodges, and then grabs Mago’s weapon and cuts his throat with it. It is as clear as day: if a warrior is that good, that quick, that fast, he could flank big slow Mountain, (perfect name for him,) in a second, hamstring him, get him off his feet and stick a knife in his eye/brain. Drop the mic.Above: The LAST thing you would want to see across that dueling field. The last thing you WOULD ever see…Oberyon would be trying to do what he always has, prove his superiority, his courage, his skill, that he wasn’t just a rich pampered kid, who had everything given to him too easily, that he was the “super fighter” everyone thought he wa…Drogo wouldn’t be trying to do or prove nuthin’. He’d just kill him. …farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…Drogo would also be experienced in the use of the lance and spear. The Dothraki use them, as we learned in season 7. And Drogo would have been able to use that weapon much as Oberyon did against Gregor. Whether Drogo would poison the blade with ‘manticore venom’ or not is questionable, although if it was available I believe Drogo would, yes, use it. When it comes to death, drogo is very experienced and quite practical. …farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…Above: The Dothraki are skilled in the lance and spear. Drogue could simply do a repeat of Oberyon’s battle.“Death? What y’all know ‘bout death?” -Sergeant Barnes/“Platoon.”DAGGERS AND THROWING KNIVESAbove: Throwing knives are good for many things: throwing to kill them, (glad I remembered THAT use,) sticking people with the pointy end, cutting people with the curvy edge, distracting them/getting them to close their eyes so you can get close and…close their eyes.Daggers are the “side arms” of the Middle Ages, and beyond, and Drogo would have at least two. if he uses his quickness and cunning tho simply get behind Thee Mountain, not hard for a fighter like Drogo, the dagger would be all he would need. A quick slice to the, you guessed it! Hamstring… down goes Gregor, (and this big guy would go down hard,) and then a quick thrust into the eyespots and…farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…Drogo would also be a master at throwing knives. Being able to find more than one way to use a weapon isn’t just a good idea in a violent, blood-soaked environment like the Dothraki “court,” It would be simply essential. Thrown daggers can be quite deadly, and surprising when your enemy doesn’t think you’d be stupid enough to disarm your self by throwing your own knife away. Not so stupid if it goes through your eye slit.Above: James Coburn in the classic western, “The Magnificent seven. Here Slim pits his switchblade throwing skills agains a braggart’s .45. “You lost.”Remember when Daario Naharis asks to be Danni’s champion? The enemy knight, fully armored in heavy plate, exactly like The Mountain, rides out from the enemies’ gates, takes a pee in their direction and charges toward them. Daario is relaxed, almost nonchalant, while Danni is getting more and more nervous.Above: Yeah, tell Danny Tee knives aren’t effective weapons.They quickly discuss the situation and Daario explains how a man is smart…but a horse isn’t…and WHAM! he throws that female figuring dagger of his straight into that charging horse’s eye. The enemy champion crashes in his armor at Daario’s feet, Daaio reaches down, thrusts his other dagger into his eye and then pisses back towards the enemy city.Above: A man is smart, a horse isn’t. You know, come to think of it, a man isn’t really that smart either.Drogo would have at least two daggers waiting to fling at another “stupid horse’s” eye.THE BOWAbove: Now we’re talkin’!Someone told me:“Mr. Feigal, please read up on questions about the Dothraki on the chat rooms and in former Quora answers. The consensus, Sir, is that the Dothraki would lose majorly against most Knights.”Above: Lara Croft wants to “debate” the “consensus.”I can’t speak for the “chat rooms,” but I do know a little history. George RR Martin has talked numerous times how the Dothraki are based after the Mongols, a little bit of the Huns and a touch of American plains Indians. But mostly the Mongols. And the Mongols actually did go up against western knights in their invasion of Europe in 1235-1241. They slaughtered the western mounted knights, most noticeable in the twin battles of Legnica and Mohi both in 1241.Above: The original army Gehgnis Khan created won an empire twice as large as Rome’s and did it in 1/10 of the time. It is given credit for the deaths of 40,000,000 people, 10% of the world’s population in 1235! In forty years they only lost one campaign, mainly due to the harsh conditions of the rainforests of India.On a horse to carry their great weight, armored knights are tremendous weapons. Without the horse, they are fast tiring targets, big chunks of steel that can be avoided until you have a shot at a vital spot, and then just wait till they tire out as they are never going to be able to come after YOU. This was a lesson the French Knights discovered to their dismay when the English longbow men shot down their horses at Crecy, Poiters and Agincourt, and then killed the downed, and soon exhausted knights.Above: In skilled hands, an arrow can be propelled with enough force to pierce armor.The Mongols did the same thing from Russia to Hungary to Poland to Austria, shooting the horses out from the knights, let them stagger around to exhaustion, and then killed them. In the historical battles between armored knights and the Mongols the knights never won, I’ll repeat that, the knights never won. The Mongols won every battle from Mongolia to the gates of Vienna, where they got word that the khan had died, so the generals packed up and went home where by Mongol law they had to attend the new election.Someone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, can arrows penetrate medieval armor? This isn’t a simple question. I never came to a definite conclusion myself, except that in general, reading the consensus of the chat rooms, it seems like arrows seldom (if ever) would have penetrated plate armor. The circumstances would have needed to be just right for that to happen.”Above: In “The Return of the King,” orcs using armor-piercing arrows wipe out Faramir’s plate-wearing armored calvary on their attack to retake Osgiliath. Hey, if J. R. R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson say it’s true, that’s good enough for me.History has shown it to actually BE a simple question. Military historians of warfare in the Dark/Middle Ages have “come to a “definite conclusion.” There was, in fact, piercing of plate at close range by English longbows at Crecy, August 26, 1346, and again at Agincourt, October 25, 1415. At both battles the English longbows defeated French armored knights. The piercing came at pointblank range. And there was certainly piercing of plate when the Mongols defeated the Russian, Hungarian, German, Austrian, Croatian, Czech and French knights as they advanced unhindered from the east.Above: One of the keys to bows beating plate lies with the bowman himself: Archers capable of drawing, aiming an loosing a bow that powerful need to train most of their lives. The English farmers who ended up fighting at Agincourt had practiced since they were 12 yeas old. The Mongols/Dothraki who fought at Mohi had practiced since they were 5 years old.There is a famous (among weapons specialists and historians) gentleman named Mark Stretton who has had a number of TV shows focusing on everything from snipers at Stalingrad to blacksmithing your own period swords. He did a program about how the English long bowmen were able to decisively defeat significantly larger forces of French knights not one but three times, Crecy, Poitiers, and Agincourt.Above:Legnica: Mongol bows vs armored knights: Bows 1, armor-0Mohi: Mongol bows vs armored knights: Bows 1, armor-0Crecy: English bows vs armored knights: bows 1, armor-0Poitiers: English bows vs armored knights: bows 1, armor-0Agincourt: English bows vs armored knights: bows 1, armor-0A grand total of: Bows 5, armor-0.We know that the archers fired arrows in waves at the charging knights and many of the horses were wounded or killed, throwing their riders into the mud where they were trampled or drown. But many came close to the English archers, and yet never broke the line of the unarmored bowmen.Above: Errol Flynn makes his second appearance here. Bow, sword, chainsaw, Errol was the weapons master of film for decades.We also know that a century before during the Mongol Invasion of Europe, the Mongol’s even more powerful recurve composite bows took out the Russian, Polish, Hungarian, Teutonic and even a few Templar knights almost with ease especially the Battles of Legnica and Mohi.Above: Archery used to be a staple of the Girl Scouts for decades. “WHAT? You won’t buy ANY cookies this year, Mr. Bullafarht?”So Stretton set up a test and fired a series of arrows at a good set of plate armor.He set up a test with period-quality arrows shot out an air gun at the velocity of approximately 160 pounds of draw weight, same as the English longbow’s, shooting directly at a set of good plate specifically the breastplate, THE last place you would ever want to shoot/strike at. He also placed a skeleton with ballistic jell inside to simulate human flesh and bones. The results sent shock waves (ok, little shock waves,) through historical circles:Above: At Crecy, Politers and Agincourt, the English started piecing the plate armor at 200 yards.At 90 yards the arrows simply glanced away, bouncing off the breastplate.At 30 yards the arrows pierced the breastplate but would have only slightly injured the knight.At 20 yards the arrows tore right through the breastplate and almost clean through the skeleton/human inside.Longbows can totally pierce good quality plate breastplate at 20 yards. Mongol bows at even further ranges.Above: RIP Burt. Drogo offers the promise of deliverance from the tyranny of evil men like Sir Gregor.So what does that mean for Sir Gregor? …farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanish ladies…Above: Arrows would punctuate and perforate Gregor’s day.And the recurve composite bows the Dothraki, …I mean Mongols… used was even more powerful than the English longbow. It’s advanced recurve designed kept more energy in the bow tips and allowed the Mongols to kill at 300 yards. Three football fields.Above: The Dothraki…er, Mongols used various arrowheads, usually made of iron, steel, horn, or bone. Each soldier carried a file of some sort to sharpen the edges of their arrows. Armor penetration was done with a tapered steel arrowhead or a steel spike arrowhead. Usually, a broad-headed arrow would disperse the force along the edges of the arrowhead. This was useful when battling an unarmed target.Not only were the arrowheads different, but the functions of the arrows were wide ranging. Arrows were fashioned for purposes from armor piercing to signal arrows. Signal arrows are very interesting. Sometimes they would be whistling arrows. Always useful when signaling a military action from a distance.Above: “You think I can’t kill you from 200 yards with this “weak” and “womanly” “toy”? You know nothing, Sir Gregor.”Arrows tended to be a little over 2 feet in length and were usually larger than what was commonly used in Europe. The preferred tree for producing arrows was willow, though they used any trees available. They also utilized river reeds, when available, as shafts.Above: THIS is the most deadly bowman of all. Got me in the ass, the little bastard, right when I met Melanie, the Fastest Gun In The West. Had to be, shot me down and I did’t even see her draw.Historian Timothy May notes that Mongol arrows were usually fletched in an asymmetrical fashion. He compares the flight path of an arrow to a bullet from a gun. The arrow would rotate slightly as it flew, just as a bullet rotates, and the impact would penetrate deeper into the target.Each Mongol archer carried 60 arrows with them. Usually many extra quivers of arrows were attached to the soldier's remounts. Each Mongol warrior had with him at least 4-6 remounts. Mongols used a ring grip and held the bow as we do in our left hand, but they set the arrow to the right of the bow’s body.Above:Neytiri: You are Omaticaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you may choose a woman. We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.Jake Sully: I don't want Ninat.Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.Jake Sully: Yes, she is a good hunter. But I've already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.Neytiri: [smiles] She already has.[She goes to kiss Jake]Jack Sully: HEY?! What are you doing?Neytiri: Jake!! I thought!!…didn’t you chose me?!Jack Sully: HELL no!Neytiri: Then who…?Jake Sully: Rsu'tey.Neytiri: Rsu’tey?! Why Rsu’tey, Jake Sully?Jake Sully: ‘Cause she’s the one with the best…”Girl Scout Cookies!”During the battles with the Mongols, the European mounted armored knights would, of course try to get in close and smash the Mongol horsemen with their spears, maces, axes and swords. But the knight’s horses were big, slow beasts bred to carry such large weights. The Mongols, stuck to the lighter, faster more maneuverable strategy. (A strategy, I must remind you that won them an Empire from China to Austria, from Egypt to the Sea of Japan, from Vietnam to the Baltic sea all in less than 60 years.)Above: Armored knights were so badly beaten by the bow that it marked their end as king of the battlefield and the beginning of the rise of ranged/missile weapons, a trend that has continued till today with modern firearms.The small Mongol ponies could stay away from the knight’s mounts, using their agility. The Mongols did penetrate western armor, perhaps not as thick as The Mountain’s, but they aimed for the throat, the legs, the elbow, the eyes, the hands, the groin, staying away from the heavy chest armor where the arrows would glance off. And they did these shots while on the back of their light, quick, agile mounts. The Mongols since birth were taught to ride. Perhaps only the Comanche were their equal in the saddle. The Mongols could load and shoot with incredible precision and accuracy all while riding at top speed.Above: Equestrian historians believe that the Dothraki…er, Mongols were so in tune with their horses that they could actual wait and time their shots for when the horse had all it’s hooves off the ground, making for a fraction of a second with less vibration and movement. Yes, you read correctly.The European knights never had a chance. If you doubt my word, please go to the encyclopedia/Wiki of your chose to verify all that I say.The recurve bow is the Dothraki’s main weapon. We seldom see it, at least in the TV series, because the Dothraki are seldom shown at war in battle against any kind of dangerous foe.Above: Dothraki attack. Sitting up on TOP of their saddles, riding at top speed, firing their recurve bows and hitting what they are aiming at. If a Dothraki warrior can, while riding at a gallop and sitting on TOP of his freakin’ horse, shoot and hit a man sized target at…who knows how many yards…but a few for sure, do you think the BEST Dothraki warrior, standing still on the ground might be able to hit a “Mountain” sized target at 25 feet?In the last season (season 7), we see Danni’s dragons and her Dothraki fighting Jamie and Brob’s troops, totally annihilating them. You can see the Dothraki using their bows and even a few lances.OBERYON AND ‘MANTICORE VENOM.’Someone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, It is repeatedly stated in the chat roomsand in a number of “Game of Thrones” related Quora answers that ‘Manticore Venom’ is what really got Gregor. Otherwise the flesh wounds he received from Oberyon would have done nothing.”Above: Persian/The Mountain receiving a “flesh wound” from a Spartan/Drogo.Plate armor of the type The Mountain wears has the back of the calf hinged so that he can actually walk other than limp stiff-legged. That means it is vulnerable. Even with some backup chainmail a slash by a razor-sharp spearpoint, on a good sized lance with tremendous leverage, wielded by a powerful man would be able to pierce it, as Oberyon did, bringing The Mountain off his feet and to his knees. I guess the ‘chat rooms’ know best but when Oberyon struck Sir Gregory there, and he collapsed to the ground pretty fast, and I personally doubt it was the ‘Manticore Venom’ that did it.Above: “TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!”“Er, sorry, Sir. Hell says they’re full up and have no tables tonight without reservations. Sorry, Sir.”…..“TONIGHT WE DINE AT DENNY’S!”Let’s see, a razor-sharp cut to the back of the calf or knee, perhaps the most vulnerable spot on the entire leg along with the Achilles’ tendon behind the ankle… In medical terms, (and street slang, both, actually,) it’s called being “hamstrung.” It usual causes the “hamstrungee" to, surprise, instantly collapse to the ground.Above: Now class, pay attention and sing along:The foot bone connected to the leg bone,The leg bone connected to the knee bone,Khal Drogo disconnectedThe knee bone to the thigh bone,Oh, hear the word of the Lord!Above: To ‘Manticoe” or not to ‘Manticore.’ Hmmmm…’Manticore!”About ‘Manticore Venom:’ Oberyon wanted The Mountain to suffer. He was so quick, (just like Drogo,) that The Mountain’s great strength was no help and he just flailed around. His great armor was no help as Oberyon knew all of it’s gaps and weaknesses. His great sword was no help as it wasn’t long enough to reach past Oberyon’s longer spear. Oberyon was going to make The Mountain bleed, cripple him, make him suffer, disable him, and, who knows, blind him. Reducing him to the wreck he had envisaged him as in his revenge-fueled fantasies for years. Yes, he was the “Red Viper,” and yes, there was likely poison on his spear head, but not enough to kill The Mountain, at least not yet, not until he got his “licks” in. I think the poison was there, and administered to Gregor quite early in the match, so that even if The Mountain won, Oberyon knew he would at least take Gregor with him, but slowly.THE MOUNTAIN’S ARMOR PART IISomeone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, Sir Gregor has an easy time moving in Armor. A really easy time. It’s clearly been stated in the chat rooms. But then someone who is 8 feet tall, and able to lift 472 Kilograms won’t have difficulty moving.”Which makes me ask the question, “Mr. Chatroom,:” How long will Sir Gregor “won’t have difficulty moving?” A minute? 5 minutes? 10? 30? 5 hours? Two weeks? 34 years?You see no matter how strong he is, he just, by the scientific laws of both physics and human physiology, cannot stand in that metal suit forever, let alone spar with Drog, let alone wave that, frankly silly sword.Above: Drogo can outreach Greg’s sword, is faster quicker, more maneuverable, has better training and combat skills, (remember seeing The Mountain in training when Cersai goes to see him? Slaughtering unarmed peasants.) The Mountain has no chance, except if Oberyon gets cocky…And let’s say he can, with his great strength, fight in it for 40 minutes, (in the Middle Ages, if an armored knight had the misfortune of falling off his horse, he could steadily fight in his armor a maximum of 30 minutes at best before being wasted to the point of exhaustion,) long enough to fight a duel with Drogo, right?But what if Drogo knows, as the experienced combat master he is, that time is on his side. The Mountain simply can not move, weave and dodge like Drogo can, not even at the beginning of the match while he has his full strength. He can’t move on Drogo like Drogo can move on him. Drogo could simply dance out of range of that chopper and let the Mountain exhaust himself from the weight of his own armor and weapons.Remember when Bronn fought as Tyrion’s campion in the Eyrie, beating Kat’s sister’s champion, Sir Vardis Egan, by not wearing armor against a fully armored foe, out maneuvering him,wearing him down, slowly cutting him to pieces?Above: Bronn, quite on purpose fights a fully armored knight as Tyrian’s champion. He uses his superior visibility, speed and maneuverability to cut Egan to pieces. Full armor is designed for fighting on a horse, not in a hand to hand ground duel. A horse take can take the burden of weight leaving you with the ability it fight for longer periods of time an have the horse provide the speed and manueverabilityI’ve worn plate armor and helmet. People get two things wrong about it: #1. That it’s going to be so ungodly heavy that you will be tired out in first five minutes or will be so encumbered that you will be almost immobilized. Or, #2. The opposite, that you can go for quite a while wearing the armor with no ill effects.Above: Actually this is a heavier style than I’ve ever worn, but look for the “gaps.” For instance look in the inside of the elbows: often that’s just letter in there, sometimes with a bit of chain as protection. You get a high powered arrow shot through there and besides the impairment, as in you can’t use your arm, you will start bleeding like a stuck pig.#1. The craftsmen that bit by bit evolved this stuff were genius’. They were able to create something that protected and was manageable and livable. The armor I’m most familiar with weighs 60 pounds, and though that is not inconsiderable, it fits well and a lot of the weight is borne by your shoulders/upper body which makes it even more maneuverable. Yes, it restricts you, but it still lets you move with surprisingly good motion...for awhile…Above: Heavier style. Where you see blue cloth is where flesh would be. Check out the armpit pits/inner arms or where the shoulders meet the gorget, (throat piece.)#2. It still weighs 60 freakin' pounds and though you are able to carry/walk around in it for some time, fighting in it is another story. I “fought” for 20 minutes once on a warm day and that was it, I was wasted for the entire next week, I’m not joking. (I’ll get to weather in a minute.) A lot of us know what it feels like to pick up a 50 pound bag of salt for the water softener and carry it inside to your basement. No big deal. Now carry it around for the next 3 hours. Starts to get a little bit heavy. Starts to get on your nerves a bit.Above: I’ve worn more of this style. Nothing this fancy, though, Wow! This would be great jousting armor with the “wing’s” above the shoulders to push away a lance head.Walking around in good fitting armor is easier than most would think…but fighting in it without a big ol’ horse to help you carry that weight, gets pretty tough pretty fast. Most of this armor is designed for a mounted knight, not for running around flat-footed on a battlefield. It isn’t the armor on the arms that’s so tough. That’s much lighter so you can still throw a lot of blows. But that damn armor around your chest/hips starts to “weigh” on you pretty quickly.Above: OK, this is from the game, “Skyrim,” perhaps the best game of all time, says a military historian. It’s still interesting in that it shows the rear of some, (not bad actually,) armor. Again the blue cloth is where human flesh would be. Armors are designed to mainly protect the front. Get behind them and their lives would leave at “23 skidoo!”After the Mountains only weapon, his strength (it ain’t speed, quickness, mental disposition, {remember him carving his own horse in frustration?} or combat technic, (who needs technic when you’re the biggest guy around, remember Andre the Giant in “Princess Bride”?) has left from carrying around so much pig iron, he will be easy meat for a killer like Drogo.THE OPPONENTS’ STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSESThe Mountain only knows about fighting other armored knights. He has very likely never even seen a Dothraki, let alone examined their weapons or learned their tactics.Above: I’d bet Gregor never picked up a bow in his life and feels disdain for anyone who has or would. Or a throwing spear, or a whip, or a throwing knife or any light hand to hand weapon. I’d bet if Drogo and Gregor ever fought, he’d feel nothing but contempt and disdain about having to fight this “barbarian.” At least right up to the second Drogo put a high velocity arrow or throwing knife through his visor.Above: Drogo, on the other hand, has seen a Westeros knight, seen his weapons, seen his armor, talked to him, learned important lessons about the way knights fight, important not for himself necessarily, but for the wellbeing of his people. The knight I’m referring to is of course Mormont, who, in his shameful exile has chosen about the furthest and most dangerous spot on the planet: the “royal court” of the Dothraki “king” Drogo. And Mormont isn’t just a hanger-on, the two know and respect each other.Above: Mormont, armored knight, vs Dothraki, blood rider. Mormon wins and it is because of his armor, but not what you might think. The Dothraki totally outmatches Mormont but by bad luck his sword catches in the gap of Mormont’s hip armor, wounding him, but holding his sword for a second. Mormon uses that second to whip his longsword across the Blood Rider’s face. By killing a blood rider in one-on-one combat, Mormont becomes famous. Drogo kills a dozen blood riders, one-on-one, before breakfast.The Mountain’s strength is just that: his strength. He is very fast for a big man, but not for a smaller faster, quicker man. There isn’t any mention in either the books or the series that the Mountain is particularity gifted as a brilliant swordsman. Nor that he is even remotely intelligent, on the contrary. His main combat skill/technic is to try and close with an enemy and beat his brains out.That seems to be it.Interestingly enough, a man as freakishly big as Gregor (8 feet tall,) has to have been growing since his birth, it’s the only medically way he could have. And by far the vast majority of the kids this big have a disease called Acromegaly, an over production of growth hormone. The most common cause (95%) of this problem is a tumour of the pituitary gland.Now, the pituitary gland lies close to where the two optic nerves meet at the base of the brain, which means a pituitary tumour can press on the optic nerves like a thumb pressing down, and damage this part of the optic pathway. This results in loss of vision from the sides of the visual fields, so almost all acromegalic giants have a defect sometimes called “tunnel vision.”This type of eyesight problem would not be wonderful at any time but not an insurmountable problem in focusing on things “head-on,” or “face to face.” But anything even a bit to the peripheral would be very out of focus, almost blind. (Amazing what you can find on medical websites.)Drogo on the other hand is extremely intelligent, very canny, (has very good eyesight!,) very skilled in all types of combat with various weapons. How do we know this? Because he’s fought his way to the top of the heap, king of the hill, against who knows how many Dothraki screamers. And he has stayed there against all comers.Above: The best fighter in the world. Who is even in his league?The fact that he is not a Westeros knight is his greatest advantage. In the knight vs knight “sandbox” the Mountain has always played in, it is pretty much the same melee weapons (axes, broadswords, lances, maces etc. etc etc.)Drogo has picked up a few different weapons, tried a few new ways of fighting. That’s what a combat master does, they never stop learning, never quench their thirst for new tactics, strategies, weapon systems, warrior’s fighting styles, enemy generals, horses, blacksmithing, etc.The Mountain doesn’t care about any of the, why should he? He’s the biggest man in the world and that keeps him stupid, complacent and, even though he isn’t smart enough to see it, extremely vulnerable.Above: The Mountain counts on his strength and size. He has never had to focus his life on deep training, mental discipline, weapons mastery. Why should he, he’s “the biggest and strongest man in the world.” (Remember “the Princess Bride,” how Westley defeats Fezzik, Andre the Giant, man to man because Fezzik has never fought a man man to man, just large numbers. He never practiced for that as he never thought it would ever be necessary because he was, wait for it, “the biggest and strongest man in the world.”Diogo is smart enough to see that vulnerability. That alone gives him a tremendous advantage. He knows that you do not play to your enemies strengths. You prey on his weaknesses, and the Mountain, except for his great strength, has nothing but weaknesses.Drogo has a wealth of tactical possibilities. Compared to Drogo’s lightning speed and coordination, he’s slow, neither quick or fast. He’s a one-trick pony: he gets in that heavy suit of armor, thinking he’s invulvernable, and if a man, a clever committed quick man can outmaneuver him, he’ll come crashing down like any “Goliath.”Above: The Mountain is stealing gold from the throne room, he thinks he’s getting away clean, but sees that some of the Council have come into the room, Queen Cersei, King Joffrey, Grand Master Pycelle, Lord Varys and “Littlefinger.”“Did you see me steal this gold?” he demanded of Grand Master Pycelle.“Well, yes, Sir, I certainly did,”replied the old man. “And you should be ashamed, Sir Gregor….agh!”The Mountain runs him through with his big sword.“Did you see me steal this gold?” he demanded Lord Varys.“I really shouldn’t say this, Sir Gregor, but yes, in answer to your query…agh!”The Mountain beheads Lord Varys with his big sword.“Did YOU see me steal this gold?” he demanded of “Littlefinger.”“No, Sir Gregor, I didn’t, but King Joffrey and Queen Cersei did!”He has his same big heavy unwieldy sword that he thinks he can chop the world with. He can’t. Especially if a trained, lightning fast combat expert uses a weapon like the recurved bow the Dothraki use, the most powerful bow on the planet.Above: Drogo has no chance! None! Look at the size difference! It’s clearly a “David and Goliath” matchup…er, “David and Goliath”…I forget, how did that one turn out…?Someone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, the HBO series clearly shows that the Arahk is Drogo’s primary weapon and familiarity of such would indicate that he would chose this weapon in his duel with Sir Gregor, a chose which would doom him to defeat as the Arahk would be incapable of either piercing or cutting his massive armor.”THE “ARAHK” ARGUMENT AND BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID.I’ve “talked” to people, people who have never actually read the books, who assume that Drogo would fight only with the arahk, “dooming him to defeat.” My question is: Why would he limit himself to that puny weapon? We know that the Dothraki, like their real life counterparts, the Mongols, use the recurve bow as their main weapon. True, we have seldom gotten to see the bow, not until the season 7 battles between Dani’s dragons and Dothraki and Jamie’s soldiers, but if you have red the books all of this is based upon, you will know that the bow, like the Mongols, is there #1 weapon. And that powerful bow is only one of an array of weapons Drogo could use. Drogo could simply use a single dagger and wait the Mountain out, waiting until the weight of the steel he’s carrying tires him, or the sun roasts him in that sheet-metal suit, or he gets thirsty, or…or…Above: In it’s time and place the arahk can be very effective. But never against plate armor.There is no time limit in a fight to the death, there were no guys standing by the Roman arenas with little hammers and bells yelling “Time! Rounds up! To your corners!” No rules except win. (Or as Butch Cassidy says to Logan: “Not yet, me and Logan gotta get the rules straight.” And Logan cries out: “Rules?!! In a knife fight!! No rules” at which time Butch delivers to Logan the most perfect kick to the balls every seen in western cinema.Above: Then proclaims: “Well, if there aren't gonna be any rules, somebody say “one two three go.” “ And The Kid goes: “Onetwothreego.” and Butch knocks the already dismayed Logan out cold.Westerns Knights so often fight for honor, (except the smartest/dumbest knight, Eddard Stark.) Dothraki fight for blood.SIR GREGOR CLEGANE, THE “TIGER TANK “ OF WESTEROS.The Mountain has weakness after weakness and no other advantage except his strength. He believes he has another great advantage, an advantage so many Quora readers also wrongly believe him to have. His great armor that he has convinced himself makes him untouchable, invulnerable. He couldn’t be more wrong. His “great” armor combined with his great size chains him almost in place, takes away any momentum of action. What it does is the worst thing that can happen in combat to any one, it immobilizes him. It will also drain his strength without wounding his foe in any way.Above: Watch this fight carefully. Oberyon is significantly weaker than Gregor, but has a weapon that outreaches his sword. Oberon uses leverage to counteract The mountains brute strength. This is, until Oberyon loses his head, a battle of mathematics, oblique angles, geometry vs straight math, combined with see an coordination, The mountain is doomed as long as Oberyon doesn’t…It makes Gregor permanently on the defensive, which, again, is death in battle. And with it’s joints and seams, it’s defensively as full of “holes” as Gregor’s battle plan, what there is of it. Believing he’s invulnerable is a terrible weakness and that falsely based self confidence will help him make poor choices that Drogo will exploit. Remember how easily Oberyn, another dancer, cleaned Gregor’s clock.In WWII the German Tiger tank, was considered to be too strong, too big, too tough, too untouchable, too invincible, had too big a gun for any one to get close, and everybody ran for cover. But in actuality the Tiger’s engine was too weak, it’s transmission was made out of glass, it guzzled gas and had no real range, it was totally un-maneuverable, turn to fast and it would rip the pins out of it’s own tracks, making it easy prey to quicker weapon systems. When the Tiger actually came to real battle and it’s own “strength” and weight worked against it, the quick, fast, hard-hitting Army Air Corps ground attack aircraft destroyed them. It’s great battle reputation was just PR.Above: Tiger I. Incredibly powerful gun, a one-shot killer, thick armor, almost impregnable, very slow, very clumsy, guzzles gas, has transmission and engine made of “card paper ” When it’s vulnerabilities were discovered, it was easy to destroy.THE MONGOLS/DOTHRAKI DIDN’T GET THE MEMO…Another point about armored knights illustrated so well in Barbara Tuchman’s brilliant, award winning history book, “A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous 14th Century,” where she writes how historically knights seldom died in battle amongst themselves. Their armor and high horses protected them from the rabble/militias armed with whatever was in the barn or kitchen, the poor conscripts that made up most of the troops of the battles of the Middle Ages.Above: Before Agincourt. Awe inspiring.Above: After Agincourt. Awe inspiring.And when they fought other knights they just didn’t kill each other very often. If you were beaten in battle (or joust) it was by being unhorsed not outright killed. Once knocked off their horse, the battle was over, as they just didn’t have the strength to fight very long on foot. What happened quite often was that the knight who knocked you off your horse would quickly claim your surrender, so the ground troops didn’t stick a knife in your eye or groin slit. They would be escorted to the rear where their very expensive armor would be confiscated and soon thereafter a polite letter would be sent to their families asking quite nicely to send 180 tons of gold back in ransom or their boy would never play the harmonica again.Above: It takes years of constant practice to become a master. Gregor has relied on his size since he was a child. Halving any kind of an advantage like that kind of background leads almost 100% of the time to a kind of “laziness.”They also didn’t want to kill each other as the noble class were often related to each other. Plus it would be bad form, a sticky wicket, to kill another of their own elite class. Where could that lead? Maybe someone killing them!Above: The Mongols destroy the European armies and their armored knights in Hungary and Poland, 1241.This type of “Play-War” worked pretty well until somebody didn’t get the memo and played for real. Like the English longbow men at Crecy or Agincourt cutting down the French knights. Or when the Mongols invaded Europe and didn’t care about their fancy armor or ransom and slaughtered the knights by the thousands. (And then took their fancy armor off their cold, dead bodies.) Must have come as kind of a shock to them to actually play for keeps.THE WEATHER FACTOR.And another factor about fighting a real fight is the weather. Let’s say it’s raining, so the ground will be a huge problem for a man carrying a ton o’ steel, esp. when he can barely see through the eye slits of his helmet. First time I tried on a replica suit and helm I was dismayed at how tight and claustrophobic it was. What was most startling, though, was the incredible lack of visibility. Pretty treacherous walking as you really can’t see your feet very well.Above: Ever hear stories about dogs how died of the heat when left in a car in the sun? Yep,that’s kinda what it’s like on a sunny day.But say it’s raining, trying to walking on wet ground when you can’t see. Pretty treacherous fighting a genius like Drogo when you can’t see. Drogo won’t have that problem because he’s pretty unencumbered and can see the ground with all it’s dips, cracks, puddles, mud, unevenness, etc. quite well.Above: Fighting in the rain is miserable in any circumstances, but blinded and half-smothering in a heap of dirty piece of metal is worse.OK, so let’s say that the Mountain says he’ll only fight on sunny days. Whoops! Even worse. Because in a sheet-metal suit, covered literally from head to toe with heavy steel, that sun gets pretty hot pretty fast. Ever sat in a car with closed windows for even 15 minutes on a hot day with the AC off? Fresh air is also hard to come by in that armor, and if you are red hot and getting hotter, with nothing to drink in that steel overcoat, your strength is going to wane much, much, much faster. When I told you I fought in armor for 30 minutes, it wasn’t just the weight of the armor that finished me off, it was the heat exhaustion. (I’m terrible in the heat; I don’t tan, I stroke.)Above: Just a few minutes out in the hot sun and armor starts to get unbearable. There isn’t much water around, either, and since you are creating through some pretty narrow slits, air can get kind of scarce, too. None of this helps combat to the death very much.OK, so let’s say the Mountain says he’ll only fight at night. Whoops! Cause you can’t hardly see diddly even on the brightest days in that cramped helmet, something that hmmmm…Drogo would of course think of too. But at night, the Mountain would literally not see Drogo coming, until he felt a slight sting.Above: Fighting at night with a full helmet on, notto mention “tunnel-vision” is a bad idea.Drogo would have none of these problems because by going into battle light (as Bronn did when he out maneuvered and slaughtered that fully armored knight when he fought for Tyrion in the Eyrie.) He would be able to dance, keep nice and cool, see with crystal clarity, breath fresh air, even carry some water if he was going to use the old time-is-on-my-side technic.Ok, so let’s say the Mountain won’t fight in the rain, in the sun, or at night. At this point The Mountain would win as Drogo would have laughed himself to death.BACK TO ‘MANTICORE VENOM’Oh, and about the manticore venom you brought up: Drogo is a genius at killing. He’ll use any weapon he can. Who’s to say that he wouldn’t use ‘’manticore venom’ himself? Face it, Gregor’s not the most popular kid on the playground. There’s enough people in Westeros who’d love to see him suffer and die a miserable, slow, painful death, (and that’s just his own brother!) to slip Drogo a vial or three of venom. In matters of life and death you use whatever tools you can find, and Drogo is definitely not a one-trick pony. Dothraki don’t fight for honor, they fight for blood, remember?THE “HORSE-PUCKY” FACTOR.Above: Beautiful, expensive horse. Beautiful, expensive armor. Beautiful, expensive weapons all together worth a fortune in gold. Drogo will put a 4 penny arrow through the stallion’s eye, smash them both to the group at a full gallop, quickly approach the fallen, (it takes The Mountain a full 46 hours to regain his feet in that ridicules armor if he falls,) dazed and winded Gregor as he lies helpless, and put a cheap dagger in his eye.Above: The Mongol horsemen would kill the knight’s horses at 70 yards, or just straight kill them right off their saddles at 20 yards.Someone told me recently:“Mr. Feigal, it is common knowledge that The Mountain would have even a better chance to defeat Khal Drogo if he would be able to convince or fool the Khal to fight him on horseback. Sir Gregor is a master of both horse and lance and combined with the sheer size and weight of his horse compared to Drogo’s pony, not to mention again, Gregor’s advantage in armor, Drogo would be helpless in front of the armored juggernaut of The Mountain’s wraith.”(He really wrote me this, I’m not making this up.) “It is common knowledge that…Drogo would be helpless in front of the armored juggernaut of The Mountain’s wraith.” I could eat that up with a spoon!Above: The most successful mounted archers in history were the Mongols, specifically Genghis Khan’s first great army. They could reliably kill enemies at 300 yards. three formal fields away. The world has seen nothing like them before or since. The Mongols captured an empire twice the size of Rome’s and did it in one tenth the time.Mr. “Chatroom,”—- it is common knowledge that… One Does Not Simply make a rational point by paraphrasing an ignorant and selfishly motivated claim of chat rooms that have already been disproved.Now let me give this “well-thought-out”-mouth-numbing-run-on-sentence the concentration it deserves:Drogo, just like his real life counterparts, the Mongols, master of bow and horse, with his recurve composite bow and nimble steed, would put an arrow in The Mountain’s horse’s eye at 70 yards, the Mountain would be flung to the very hard ground while at full speed, half his bones would be splintered, and even by a miracle they weren’t, he’d lie there stunned with the breath knocked out of him, and Drogo would ride up and either fire a half a dozen arrows through his armor and into his gut at pointblank range, or if he wanted the more “up close and personal” experience, he’d slip off his horse, bend down and slip a dagger into Gregor’s eye slits or groin openings and start working it around, enjoying Gregor’s thrashings and bleats.My sentence was longer than his, HUH!Above: Armored knights vs bows. After Agincourt.SLUGGERS VS DANCERS.In matters of war, violence, any kind of competition really, between two armies or between individuals, history has proven time and again that speed, flexibility, quickness and maneuverability have beaten big and strong time and time again. Nations, armies, weapons and men considered invulnerable, too big to be defeated, have been knocked down over and over.Here are a couple of individual examples: I’m a fan of the NBA and in the 1980-90’s a young basketball player came to a frankly mediocre team. He ended up winning them 6 championships and he is now regarded as the greatest NBA player in history. He was big and strong but many players in the league were much bigger and stronger. He was quicker, faster and had better moves and was so versatile he could play defense as well as offense. He not-so-simply played with genius. He was a dancer. He is, of course, Michael Jordan.Above: “Air” Jordan.I’m a fan of boxing and in the 1960-70’s there was a heavyweight boxer who had started off in the Golden Gloves. He was big and strong but not anywhere near as strong as many, perhaps even most of his opponents. He did not have a knockout punch like many of his opponents did, but he was scary fast, unbelievable quick and incredibly maneuverable. He would stay out of range of the bigger guy’s fists, and then move, crouch, sidestep all the while jabbing them to death, until they, in exhaustion lowered their guard and then WHAM! Maybe he DID have a knockout punch. It was said he could “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” One match he went into was against a young, hot, newcomer who was a huge monster with a punch like a locomotive. He was actually warned not to fight this kid. That this guy would kill him in the ring. He outmaneuvered him, let him waste his strength and then took him and won by decision in the 8th, and the only reason it wasn’t a knockout was because his opponent staggered, still stunned, to his feet in the very last second. It has gone down as one of the greatest boxing matches of all time. He not-so-simply fought with genius. He was a dancer. He was, of course, Muhammad Ali.Above: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”I’m a fan of the martial arts and have personally been a practitioner for 34 years and there was this skinny kid, (141 lbs at his heaviest), who was born in San Francisco but whose parents took him back to Hong Kong. He got beaten up on a regular basis so he started studying Wing Chun style. None of the other students would even spare with him because he wasn’t pure Chinese. He got into more and more street fights but this time he started to win. His family sent him to America because of his street fighting. He went on to invent his own system, won in tournaments across the country, became a tv and then a movie star. He fought many, many opponents who were much bigger than himself, but he took on all comers with his blinding speed, quickness, maneuverability, his physical fitness and skill. He is remembered as the greatest and fastest martial artist of all time. He not-so-simply fought with genius. He was a dancer. He was, of course, Bruce Lee.Above: Lee, through out his career, made it a speciality to fight opponents much large than himself, and showed again and again that speed, focus and knowledge were far superior to size and strength.Drogo was a genius fighter and he had fought his way up the ladder of the toughest fighters on the planet till he was Khal “King.” The Blood Rider, Mago, then proceeds to let his opponent, a skilled, hardened killer, try to hit him at touching range, without even drawing his own weapon. And then dispatching him almost as an afterthought, something that will be told and repeated by all the Dothraki. If Drogo can weave, duck and dodge away from a blood rider’s light arkh at a distance of 2 feet, for swing after swing, ending up behind him, then the Mountain, slowed and crippled by his heavy armor/sword and blinded by his tight helmet would find himself hamstrung in a matter of seconds.Above: Drogo’s a dancer. Gregor’s a mouth breather. In musical terms Gregor is all Beef/Dead Metal/Bluff. He is Michael Jackson purring’ “I’m a lover not a fighter.”Drogo is all Lightning/Nerve/Death. He is Paul McCartney screaming the one true hard rocker the Beatles ever did: “Helter Skelter.” “…I’m coming down fast-I’m miles above you-tell me-tell me-come on and tell me the answer-you may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer.”As I said before, Drogo fights not-quite-so simply with genius. And nothing accounts for genius.THE MOUNTAIN VS KHAL DROGO, A SIZE COMPARISONGregor is claimed to be 8 ‘ and weighs 500+ pounds.Drogo is a pale and weedy 6 ‘6 ‘ and 250 pounds, soaking wet and full of bananas.SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?The Mountain would show up as expected, decked out in his huge, thick, heavy armor with that ridicules sword. He would have nothing else, just a lot of overconfidence. No new technics, no new tactics, just close with Drogo and smash his brains out. Of course, he knows that he can’t chase Drogo, he’s too quick. Diogo will come to him and then, WHAM! he’ll cut Drogo in half with that great sword.That’s it. That’s The Mountain’s plan. No strategic initiative, just straight counterpunching. Which there isn’t anything wrong with, it’s a good trick. As long as it isn’t your only trick. except when Oberyon wiped the floor with him, this has always worked.Above: Cersei asks Sir Jamie and Sir Gregor in to consult on the royal drapes for the torture chamber. “No, I don’t like the brocade on this pattern as much, and it would definitely show blood stains…”Drogo has all the advantages of maneuverability, time is on his side, as he can wait for Gregor to get worn out from carrying his armor, gets desperately thirsty or roasts to death like a dog in a hot car. Drogo is lightning fast and snake-bite quick.Above: Khal Drogo and The Mountain prepare to do battle.Above: Khal Drogo and The Mountain prepare to quit battle. “It’s only a flesh wound!”He may have some or all of these: longsword, throwing daggers, a spear like Oberyon’s, poleax, longsword, bow, whip. Any or all may be poisoned.If it was me I’d have a bow with a quiver full of 60 arrows, the armor piercing arrow heads like the Mongols were so fond of. I’d have at least two throwing daggers, I might have the Dothraki whip, good for tripping up big men who can’t see very well. I would have no armor, a full water pouch and another small pouch of heavy sand.Above: Super coordination, speed, combat maneuvers, weapons mastery, courage, intelligence.I would assume we are fighting in daylight, and mild weather. If it was hot I’d let The Mountain cook for awhile, let him get nice and toasty and very thirstyAbove: A fire arrow to help Greg get nice and toasty.I would stand back as far as I could in the fighting space allowed and I would draw and fire my bow, THAT fast. The distance would be less than 200 feet and that would be pointblank shooting for me. The Mongol bow and archer could consistently take moving small game at 35 yards, ten more than the English longbow. I’d aim for Gregor’s eye slits at first. If you rematch the duel between him and Oberyon, you can see that his visor is quite big, quite open offering better visibility for himself, and better visibility to me to shoot him in the eye.Above: At Agincourt there are stories of when the French armored knights were being slaughtered and were desperately trying to reach the English bowmen that were annihilating them, they bent forward into that hail of arrows as if walking against heavy wind.As fast as I could fire I’d shoot at his visor, the gaps in his amor, the weaker/thinner armor at his legs an especially arms. I’d have the standard Mongol/Dothraki 60 arrow-per quiver and 60 arrows is a lot to have shot at your face from pointblank range.Above: The Mongols could fire 12 arrows in a minute. Yes, you read right. With a bow more powerful that the English longbow. A bow that can pierce plate armor at 30 yards and rip through the armor and body at 20 yards.If it didn’t kill/wound him, as it 80% should have it would infuriate him, frighten him, and force him to come at me to stop this torment.Above: What kind of bow can’t be tied? A Crossbow.The arrows would piece his armor, perhaps in the eyes which would end it instantly, perhaps in the other gaps or through the armor on the arms. An arrow sticking through your arm would end the thing pretty quickly. Despite what the movies say wounds to the arm and shoulder are very serious. And it is hard to hold a huge sword with an arrow through your forearm. It hurts, it cuts muscles and ligaments and it steadily bleeds.If he had an arrow stuck through his arm or leg, I would be more inclined to sit back, stay out of range of that big chopper and tell The Mountain: “Hey, Greg. You bleed prettily.”Above: “Do you think I’m beautiful, Sir Gregor? I’m going to make you “quiver!” ”If I didn’t use the bow I could use the spear like Oberyon did, slowly cut at the gaps in his armor, bleed him there, too.Above: “In this corner, weighing 500 pounds, standing 8 feet tall, Big, Strong, Slow, Clumsy, “ Death On Foot,” “Mr. King Kong Double Dick Twister,” “The Ayatoll-ah of Rock and Roll-a,” You Know Him, you LOVE HIM!!! IT’s THE MOUNTAIN!!!” And in this corner, from OUT OF The Dothraki Wastes, weighing 250 pounds, standing 6′6,” VERY QUICK, VERY FAST, VERY SKILLED, VERY COOL-HEADED, VERY,… VERY, …VERY… HE’S BAD, HE’S BEAUTIFUL, HE’S CRAZY!!! IT’s the King of the Dothraki Screamers: DROGO!!!!Above: “You know, for an opening offensive move, I found that one to be pretty “offensive!” “Above: My name is Khal Drogo. You are breathing MY air. Prepare to die.”I might snap my whip at his face. The Dothraki whips have a little tongue of sharp steel at their end and I would whip that little steel tongue at the speed of sound straight into that eye slit. Even if it misses he blinks, and after a few close calls, reacts even if I fake snapping it.Above: Bullwhips have been known to bring down caribou and even wolves.I would get up close, smashing arrows like thunderbolts at his face but get in closer and closer (or let him get closer and closer,) and reach for an arrow that I had stashed there outside my quiver, and then WHAM! just like THAT, I would have grabbed the pouch of heavy sand hanging there and in one smooth toss, flung it right into his eyes while my left hand dropped the bow and drew a dagger.Above: The Mountain riddled with arrows. As Gregor was never a smart man and not very good with riddles, he died.And in that fraction of a second…Just like THAT I would have moved quick, like a striking cobra, diving past him like a runner from third stealing/sliding into home. And like THAT I would have been behind him, and like THAT I would have buried my dagger behind his knee, in and then slashing back and forth, cutting all those important ligaments and muscles, and like THAT he would have instantly collapsed to the ground, and like THAT I would have mounted him from behind and holding his chin with one hand, and like THAT I would have buried my dagger deep, deep deep, into his eye.Above: “Don’t worry, Greg, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it’s going to hurt me…farewell and adieu to you sweet Spanis ladies, farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain…”Above: “Who’s next?’Any thoughts he might have had about pulling an “Oberyon-Muskmelon-Musher” on my head with those big hands would have been instantly cancelled out as a dagger thrust through the eye goes directly into the brain, and put a dagger in the brain and it kinda gets fuzzy for that unfortunate person.Game. Set. Match.Above: Khal Drogo after the fight. That’s not his blood.Above: “Drogo” tucks “The Mountain” in for the night. “Nighty-night.”Above: Small, light, quick, skilled, a dancer vs huge, heavy, slow, relies on his strength, a slugger. David and Goliath.Above: Use their strengths against them, get them off their feet…”Nighty-night.”Above: The huge armored, impregnable Tigers turned out to be a battlefield bust. BIG, a LOT of armor, a HUGE gun, but slow and clumsy just doesn’t cut it on the battlefield. Big, even strong does not mean effective or dangerous.Above: Small, seemingly helpless Butch vs the huge, powerful Logan. All poor Butch can bring the fight is well…intelligence.Above: Oh, no! What is poor “Indie” going to do to fight the much larger, stronger sword master? Use a weapon that outreaches his opponents sword. Historically the bow ended the reign of the armored knight forever.Above: Drogo takes a little souvenir from the fight.Above: “Miracle Max? After you sure? I thought I killed him dead, dead. Maybe I should just check on more time…”Above: “Seems to be dead, dead…”Above: “Yep, he’s dead, dead. Sir Gregor just told me he’s completely, totally dead, dead.If you want the clearest indication of how this “fight” would have eneded, watch these two videos.First Dothraki rider, Mago, challenges Drogo who fights him at pointblank range, and without even pulling a weapon, evades eight lightning-quick arakh strikes, cuts ago’s throat with his own arakh, and pulls his tongue out through his neck. You have to see it to believe it. If he can display that level of speed, poise, athletic ability and battle intelligence, all at such close proximity to his opponent, he will be able to literally run rings against such a slow and clumsy opponent like The Mountain.And second, Oberyn also literally runs rings around The Mountain. He wipes the floor with Gregor and if he had not let him emotions get the best of him would have had him cold. But he let the cat out of the bag, something Drogo would never do.The Mountain would never had had a chance, of course. Well, maybe 1 chance in a 1000. But, hey, that’s a chance! And of course nothing accounts for sheer blind dumb luck. And again Drogo has genius and there is no accounting for genius.Just to make sure, Drogo would cut off Greg’s head, scalp it, and gnaw on his skull with his very own teeth.Above: Drogo wins by a head.Yep, I guess that settles that.Thanks for reading my rants. Please check out my, hopefully, entertaining answers on a number of topics. Or not. -Pete