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He's already dishonored and disrespected you (and your children) by abusing you emotionally (humiliating) verbally (humiliating) and physically - all are abuse. Most likely he'd not be into boundary listening or boundary agreements.Are there other issues - like alcoholism or other substance abuse, or anger management issues? Does he harm the children in any way? Has he served in the armed forces in combat? Does he have a stressful job - whether in corporate America or otherwise? There could be many other reasons why your husband is abusive?You could take a class at a community college to learn effective communication in life, home, work and socially.Or, call or visit your local police department when you're alone by yourself & make an appointment or if they’re there talk with a you on the spot - a police officer (female) in the domestic violence abuse division at the station. It's confidential.BTW - if your husband has been diagnosed with NPD, or you see on the mid-high end of NPD and experience several characteristics of NPD in him and with him - it's highly unlikely he'll change.When someone is selfish, overbearing at times, on occasion a tendency to abuse anyone in the household doesn't necessarily mean they're actual narcissists. But perpetual repeated habits in the form of abusive behavior needs to stop. Because it's harming your children. As well as you.However the 5 people I know closely whom I believe are true narcissists have 8/10 characteristics of NPD - refuse & won't go to therapy. In fact they don't believe in therapy or helping professionals. Although one was a counselor, and also the others with important jobs.

There is no point. I have been through that road over decades.You will never get a straight answer even if you asked themMy sister told my mother in what I told her about a lifetime of misery, my mother who is nearly 80 says, well tell him to have a nice lifeMost likely they will blame you for the way they have treated you.You will never get into an agreement of understanding. There is a term called GASLIGHTING.What is gaslighting?Medically reviewed by Marney A. White, PhD, MS — Written by Jennifer Huizen on July 14, 2020What is gaslighting? Examples and how to respondGaslighting causes someone to doubt their sanity, perceptions, or memories. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here is how to respond.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#gaslighting-examplesWhat is gaslighting? Examples and how to respondGaslighting causes someone to doubt their sanity, perceptions, or memories. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here is how to respond.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#signs-of-gaslightingWhat is gaslighting? Examples and how to respondGaslighting causes someone to doubt their sanity, perceptions, or memories. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here is how to respond.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#causesWhat is gaslighting? Examples and how to respondGaslighting causes someone to doubt their sanity, perceptions, or memories. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here is how to respond.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#how-to-respondWhat is gaslighting? Examples and how to respondGaslighting causes someone to doubt their sanity, perceptions, or memories. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here is how to respond.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#summaryGaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.The term gaslighting derives from the 1938 play and 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness by dimming their gas-fueled lights and telling her she is hallucinating.In this article, we look at common examples, signs, and causes of gaslighting. We also discuss how a person can respond to gaslighting and when to seek help.Examples of gaslightingShare on PinterestGaslighting may cause a person to distrust themselves and feel scared and vulnerable.Gaslighting often develops gradually, making it difficult for a person to detect. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, techniques a person may use to gaslight someone include:Countering: This describes a person questioning someone’s memories. They may say things such as, “you never remember things accurately,” or “are you sure? You have a bad memory.”Withholding: When someone withholds, they refuse to engage in a conversation. A person using this technique may pretend not to understand someone so that they do not have to respond to them. For example, they might say, “I do not know what you are talking about,” or “you are just trying to confuse me.”Trivializing: This occurs when a person belittles or disregards the other person’s feelings. They may accuse them of being too sensitive or of overreacting when they have valid concerns and feelings.Denial: Denial involves a person pretending to forget events or how they occurred. They may deny having said or done something or accuse someone of making things up.Diverting: With this technique, a person changes the focus of a discussion and questions the other person’s credibility instead. For example, they might say, “that is just another crazy idea you got from your friends.”Stereotyping: An article in the American Sociological Review states that a person using gaslighting techniques may intentionally use negative stereotypes of a person’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to manipulate them. For example, they may tell a female that people will think she is irrational or crazy if she seeks help for abuse.While anyone can experience gaslighting, it is especially common in intimate relationships and in social interactions where there is an imbalance of power.A person who is on the receiving end of this behavior is experiencing abuse.Intimate partner relationshipsAn abusive partner may accuse someone of being irrational or crazy in order to isolate them, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control. For example, they might continuously tell someone they are forgetful until the person starts to believe it is true.Child-parent relationshipsAbusive caregivers may use gaslighting to shame or control children. They may accuse them of being too sensitive to belittle their feelings or of misremembering events from when they were younger.Medical gaslightingAccording to the CPTSD Foundation, medical gaslighting occurs when a doctor or medical professional dismisses or trivializes a person’s health concerns based on the assumption they are mentally ill. They may tell the person their symptoms are “in their head,” for example.A 2009 study found that doctors were twice as likely to attribute coronary heart disease symptoms in middle-aged women to mental health conditions than middle-aged men.Racial gaslightingAccording to an article in Politics, Group, and Identities, racial gaslighting occurs when people apply gaslighting techniques to a group of people based on race or ethnicity.For example, a person may deny that a specific group experiences discrimination despite evidence that says otherwise, or they might criticize civil rights activists for being too emotional to undermine their message.Political gaslightingAn article in a forthcoming issue of Buffalo Law Review states that political gaslighting occurs when a political figure or group uses lies, denials, or manipulates information to control people.Examples include downplaying or hiding things their administration has done wrong, discrediting political opponents based on mental instability, or using controversy to divert attention from important events.Institutional gaslightingAccording to an article in the Journal of Perinatal & Neonatal Nursing, institutional gaslighting can occur at a company or organization. The organization may deny or hide information, lie to employees about their rights, or portray whistle-blowers who uncover problems in an organization as incompetent or mentally ill.Signs of gaslightingPeople on the receiving end of gaslighting often find it difficult to realize they are experiencing abuse. They may not question the abusive person’s behavior because they are in a position of authority, or because they feel reliant on them.The National Domestic Violence Hotline indicate that a person experiencing gaslighting may:feel confused and constantly second-guess themselvesfind it difficult to make simple decisionsfrequently question if they are too sensitivebecome withdrawn or unsociableconstantly apologize to the abusive persondefend the abusive person’s behaviorlie to family and friends to avoid having to make excuses for themfeel hopeless, joyless, worthless, or incompetentGaslighting can also cause anxiety, depression, and psychological trauma, especially if it is part of a wider abuse pattern.What is trauma? Types, symptoms, and treatmentsA person can experience trauma after any situation that they find distressing or threatening. Learn the causes, symptoms, and treatments.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/traumaADVERTISEMENTTry a top-rated app for meditation and sleepExperience 100+ guided meditations with Calm’s award-winning meditation app. Designed for all experience levels, and available when you need it most in your day. Start your free trial today.Experience CalmRelax with Calm, a simple mindfulness meditation app that brings clarity and peace of mind into your lifehttps://activation.healthline.com/api/member-offers/2424/redirect?lp=466&tc=120291&subid2=/articles/gaslighting&subid=calm_mnt_mid_mentalhealth_3247&correlationId=3aa7b8b5-554b-4fdd-95cd-c281ffe16448CausesAccording to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting occurs because someone wants to gain control over someone else. It is a behavior someone learns by watching others. An abusive person may feel that they are entitled to control other people, or that their feelings or opinions matter the most.Some abusive people also have personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Many people use the term narcissist to describe a self-centered or vain person. But while anyone can have narcissistic traits, one 2020 article indicates that people with NPD have long-term symptoms such as:a constant need for admiration or attentiona belief that they are special or better than everyone elsea lack of empathyHow to respondGaslighting has a significant impact on mental health, so it is essential for people who experience gaslighting to make sue they look after theirs.Gathering evidence may remind a person that they are not imagining things. This evidence may also become useful later on if a person decides to pursue legal action against the abusive person.The National Domestic Violence Hotline offer ideas on how to gather proof. These include:Keeping a secret diary: This allows a person to track events, including the date, time, and details of what happened.Talking to a trusted family member, friend, or counselor: This may help someone gain an outside perspective on the situation and to create an external, additional record of information.Taking pictures: This can also help someone “fact check” their memories and remind themselves that they are not imagining things.Keeping voice memos: Using a cell phone or device to describe events is a quick way for someone to record something that just happened in their own words. Always check state laws on recordings before using them in court.It is vital for someone who lives with an abusive person to make sure any proof they gather is private and that they erase their search history after looking up information on gaslighting or abuse. A person can:store evidence in a hidden locationbuy a second phone or a cheap voice recorderkeep devices locked awaysend records to a trusted individual so that a person can delete personal copiesPeople can also create a safety plan, which includes ways to protect themselves from physical and emotional abuse before, during, and after leaving the relationship or situation. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a safety plan may include:safe places and escape pointsthe contact details of people someone can call upon for helpself-care activities that help someone to copea plan for safely leaving the abusive situationWhen to seek helpAccording to a set of recommendations by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in domestic relationships, acts of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting, tend to occur alongside other types of abuse.Over time, gaslighting may escalate into physical violence. Anyone who believes they are experiencing abuse from a partner or family member should seek support.A person can contact domestic abuse organizations for advice and help with creating a safety plan. For the mental health impact of gaslighting, a person may find it helpful to talk confidentially to a therapist that has experience helping people in abusive relationships.If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:phone, at 800-799-7233live chat, at thehotline.orgtext, by texting LOVEIS to 22522Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. People can find local resources and others classified by demographics, such as support specifically for people of color, here:The Office on Women’s HealthThe National Coalition Against Domestic ViolenceSummaryGaslighting is a form of abuse that causes someone to doubt their sanity or perceptions. It usually takes place in relationships and social interactions where there is a power imbalance.A person experiencing gaslighting may become confused, withdrawn, anxious, or defensive about the abusive person’s behavior. They may not realize the behavior is abusive.People experiencing gaslighting can find safe ways to document evidence of the abuse and create a safety plan to protect themselves from harm. A domestic abuse organization or mental health professional may be able to help someone leave or recover from abuse.ADVERTISEMENTTraditional therapy – done onlineFind a therapist from BetterHelp’s network of therapists for your everyday therapy needs. Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via phone or video sessions. Plans start at $60 per week + an additional 10% off.Get StartedBetterHelp offers private, affordable online counseling when you need it from licensed, board-accredited therapists. Get help, you deserve to be happy!https://activation.healthline.com/api/member-offers/2264/redirect?lp=466&tc=120291&subid2=/articles/gaslighting&subid=betterhelp_mnt_bot_mentalhealth_2421&correlationId=deec67bb-77be-41fd-a8d8-636b6a37c337Last medically reviewed on July 14, 2020Mental Health News from Medical News TodayAll news topics Knowledge Center About us Privacy Terms © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professionalhttps://www.medicalnewstoday.com/categories/mental-healthPsychology / PsychiatryAll news topics Knowledge Center About us Privacy Terms © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professionalhttps://www.medicalnewstoday.com/categories/psychology-psychiatry14 sourcescollapsedFEEDBACK:RELATED COVERAGEWhat are the long-term effects of gaslighting?Medically reviewed by Jennifer Litner, LMFT, CSTREAD MORE8 ways to deal with gaslightingMedically reviewed by Jennifer Litner, LMFT, CSTREAD MOREWhat are the signs of emotional abuse?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNPREAD MOREWhat are the effects of emotional abuse?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNPREAD MOREIs the silent treatment a form of abuse?Medically reviewed by Alexander Klein, PsyDREAD MOREGet our newsletterKeep up with the ever-changing world of medical science with new and emerging developments in health.SUBSCRIBEYour privacy is important to usDirectory A - BAll news topics Knowledge Center About us Privacy Terms © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional © 2004-2021 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK, a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. MNT is the registered trade mark of Healthline Media. 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Matt and Anonymous gave two great view points and while I hate the idea of domestic violence I won't comment on the punishment specifically. I do want to talk about the issue surrounding the idea that NFL let him off easy.This idea arises because of the NFL's CBA stance on drug punishment. Many are saying "a person smoked pot and got suspended a year but he beat his girl friend and missed 2 games!" But those who say this don't understand who the new bargaining agreement works. All drug suspensions are a per-determined length that are nearly impossible to alter from their set length found in the CBA. For those wondering here is a quick breakdown of the NFL's suspension policy for drugs (found here Page on nflplayers.com):- 1st failed or suspicious sample: Entered into an intervention program and counseling. This is private and why you never hear about it. This is called Stage One. A player can also enter this stage willing.- 2nd failed test or failure to comply: A player is placed on a form of probation with random testing and includes asking the player to abstain from alcohol as well. As with the 1st phase this is also confidential. They remain on this probation for up to 24 months. This is considered Stage Two.- 3rd failed test: A player is fined 4/17th of their salary and suspended 4 regular and post-season games. This is this obviously made public and is the first punishment made public.- 4th failed test: A suspension of an additional 4 to 6 games depending on a variety of factors but a potentially maximum of a full 16 games in extreme cases. The players is then moved to Stage Three of treatment.- 5th failed test: A player is banished from the NFL for a period of 12 months, this is different from a 16 game suspension.So as you can see when a player is suspended for failed drug testing it's because he has displayed a repeated failure to obey the laws and guidelines set forth by the NFL and NFLPA and has failed, tainted or ignored three tests. It's also important to note almost all of this is outside the hands of the NFL except in the case of appeals.Now on to legal troubles NFL face that are not drug related. The NFL complies with all legal punishments set forth by the local, state or federal government and if a player is sentenced to jail that is part of their punishment. In Rice's case he was a first offender and was sentanced to therapy. So in reality for a first offender his punishment is significantly higher than a first offender when it comes to the drug policy.Now I'm in no way saying what Rice did was okay, but he has dealt with the legal and professional repercussions of his mistake. Also unlike with the drug policy there is no minimum suspension/fine or any kind of pathway a player follows. Rather each failure to comply with the NFLPA's conduct policy (Page on nflplayers.com) will result into a series of events:- NFL investigation- NFL reports finding to the players union- The two sides go back and forth discussion potential punishments or rehabilitation- The NFL commissioner and his counsel hand down punishment which grows more severe if the subject is a repeat offender- The player, and potentially the NFLPA, may appeal the decision if they feel they have been treated unfairly in the process. The player appeals either the commissioner or someone he has appointed.So I guess the shorter answer would be that the reason people feel Rice got off easy is because they compared him to those who get punished for drug failures. But they do this in ignorance of the how the process works. The two programs follow very different processes and are hard to compare.What Rice did was wrong and he's gone through the legal system, entered therapy and will miss two games (resulting in the loss of about $187,500 in salary). If he does this again you can be sure his punishment will be significantly more intense.