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Awwww. There’s one thing that sprang to mind for me but it just might be considered oversharing. Sorry in advance. Imma just cut to the chase. In my opinion, for a female, it’s sex.I’ve heard for males (I don’t know if this is true for everyone) that when it’s good it's good, and when it’s bad it's still pretty good. Sort of like pizza. This wasn’t the case in my experience. I’d rather have read a book or something in hindsight.For me, when it comes (ha!) to bad sex, I’d rather have bad pizza. **As in homemade spaghetti and pineapple pizza as presented by Bill English, our one time Prime Minister of New Zealand who uploaded this canned spaghetti and pineapple abomination on twitter:“thanks for bringing our country into disrepute Bill!” - image linkMy first few times were awful. I genuinely didn’t understand what the fuss was about or why people bothered wasting time on such an awkward, painful and ultimately messy activity. It was most definitely over rated in my opinion. In fact, the post coital shower took longer than the sex. It was really not good.I tried a couple of times and then quit cold turkey in disgust. I went abstinent for a couple of years through sheer lack of interest because of my first few attempts. It took a very smooth and extremely patient partner to show me the ropes (ha!). Prior to him, I hadn’t been aware that the process (when done correctly) could actually take more than 2 minutes.He nailed (Yup, I went there…) the basics and was supportive and extremely generous. After meeting him, I discovered that everything I’d ‘learned’ before then should be discarded and that perhaps the person who blazed the trail might need to consider resitting the test for their sex licence.After meeting him I also discovered a new favorite hobby. Sex was completely overrated but only until I was shown and also figured out how to do it (ha!) right.

I once organised a Valentine’s weekend away for my partner and me at a boutique hotel in a charming town.But there’s a reason I’m never put in charge of organising things. There’s a reason my partner is the one who takes care of all our get-aways and vacations. It’s because I am completely inept.I’d booked the hotel, but I’d failed to book the hotel restaurant for our meal. It hadn’t even occurred to me that due to Valentine’s Day the tables might well be booked far in advance.It suddenly dawned on me the night before we left. I phoned the hotel, and the owner informed me that all the tables were indeed already booked. He was very empathetic and apologetic. But, it was my own fault. He kindly gave me the names of all the other restaurants in his town, in case they had openings.I phoned them each and got the same response: ‘Well, it is Valentine’s weekend, so we are fully booked.’Shit on it! We had a perfect hotel to stay in but nowhere to eat.The Inn was just beautiful. Every room had its own theme and was tastefully decorated with flair. I can safely say that out of all the lovely places we’ve stayed over the years, it remains our favourite.Upon hearing that we had not managed to book a meal anywhere, the owner told us not to worry. He offered to serve us in our room.Wow. How nice.At 7 O’clock, he and a waitress arrived at our door with trays of cutlery, plates and glasses. They set our table and when we were seated comfortably, he ran through the menu with us. They both went on to serve us three lush courses in our room in exactly the same fashion they would’ve done in the restaurant. It felt intimate, romantic and exclusive. Like we’d won some kind of raffle.It was incredibly good of them to oblige us in that way, climbing up and down windy stairs umpteen times with all that food and drink. And doing it all with a smile and enthusiasm.There you have it— my story of a surprise gone wrong in the best possible way.Many thanks to Roland, proprietor at Swann House in Beccles, Suffolk.