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Are covert narcissists hyper-sexual?I started to write an answer to this question last night but three pages into it I realized I hadn’t even swung back around to the question! So here is my second attempt.I have only been in a relationship with one covert narcissist that I am aware of. My experiences have been echoed here on Quora time and time again for which I am grateful. It also has served to confirm and remind me that she IS a covert narcissist and is copiously endowed with all the nasty behavioral bells and whistles that this personality disorder contains. I am also constantly reminded that I am not alone on this journey of healing and rediscovery, something for which I am very very thankful.In my singular experience with a narcissist, I would have to answer this question with “Yes, MY covert narcissist was hyper-sexual”. But, that answer gives me pause to reflect on the “what ifs” I will never be sure of. I know I was observed and targeted for well over a year before any sort of relationship began. Her family and mine became friends and spent a lot of time together. There was a lot of silly teasing between my first wife and her husband that was of an “immature teenage sexual” sort of nature.When I first was introduced to her, I was attracted to her in what I would call “an awareness of a sexual nature”, perhaps it was a kind of “animal magnetism”. Of course nothing was done or said about it, I could just feel it was there. Several months passed as our families got to know one another better before I realized that she was feeling something similar as well.During her “targeting phase” she had plenty of time to observe me in my various capacities as father, husband, entrepreneur, and professional musician. I was also aware of her generous compliments about me to others, as well as directly to me, in what I now regard as “pre-relationship mirroring”.She was in a position to observe whatever traits she may have been looking for in me as well as seeking to discover the things I really liked and enjoyed. “Sex” was one of these things that I am certain was apparent.I know that she and her first husband had “anything but” a highly sexual relationship. He was a very controlling man and ruled the family in authoritarian manner. By the time I met her and her family, they had been together for about 20 years or so. They began a sexual relationship when she was in her early to mid-teens and he was in his mid-twenties and already divorced once. It appeared as though he stepped in and assumed a surrogate father role when her parents divorced a few years prior to this.We know that narcissists will use whatever advantage they can during the love-bombing phase of a relationship. And if they already have spent considerable time in the targeting process, they will have been able to highlight those areas in us that will give them the “path of least resistance” in order to set their “hook” as deep and securely as possible. My sexuality at that time in my first marriage was in a state of continual dissatisfaction.My first wife was diagnosed with BPD and I had a very close and personal relationship with the effects of “crazy-making”. “Sex” in that relationship, when and if it did happen, was just “sex”. There was very little intimacy or romance involved and by the time I met my narcissist, the marriage to my first wife was not going well at all.I did not make the first "move" in what was to become our relationship, she very clearly did. I had dropped by their home to see her husband for a reason long forgotten. I had called out to see if anyone was home and there was no answer at first and I was getting ready to leave when she stepped out of the bathroom with a bathrobe on, obviously wet from a shower and said husband was in their bedroom taking a nap. We spoke casually for a minute or so and I said my goodbye. I remember that had I turned to leave and had only taken a step or so when I heard her call my name. When I did, I turned to face her up on their balcony when she pulled her bathrobe wide open and gave me several seconds of full-on frontal nudity. She turned and went back in the bathroom without saying a word and after a few moments, I turned and left. I believe that would count as the "first move".The very first “encounter” I had with my narcissist took place after a night of celebration in our hot tub. There had been a lot of teasing between my wife and the narc’s husband in their “immature teenage kidding around” about sex that evening. I remember my wife taking her foot and running her toes up his swim trunks, something he would respond to in “faux shock”. I didn’t think anything of it, it seemed to be part of their overall silliness. He left to go home due to having to work the next day and my wife, the NPD, had gotten pretty drunk on wine, and removed herself from the hot tub to cool off and basically pass out in another area on the deck.Not needing to go into more detail, my narcissist decided to move from her seat to face me, sitting on my lap. My reaction was predictable at that point and an hour or so later, when the rest of the house had gone to bed, we took a couple blankets and headed up to the golf course my house at the time backed up to. On the Tee of the third hole, we spent a couple of hours exploring each other very thoroughly sexually. This became the start of a long, passionate, and torrid love affair between us that eventually resulted in two very ugly and nasty divorces, followed six months later with our marriage.I can look back now clearly see the details of each phase of my relationship with my narcissist. I KNOW a portion of her sex life had to be fueled by her consciously mirroring my wants and needs, yet she also blossomed as a sexual partner the longer we were together. And this honeymoon period did not stop after we got married, but continued well into the marriage for about seven years. Whether her sexuality was awakened, she was mirroring my desires, or a combination of both, we had sex almost every day, and made love, and were very romantic with each other for many years into the marriage. I thought I was the luckiest man on earth.Things did not really change until around year seven when she experienced “early menopause” and the resulting hormonal imbalance wreaked havoc with her, which curbed her sex drive and thus slowed the passion in our marriage down somewhat.It wasn’t until I discovered that she took her ex-husband on a trip with her to help put her youngest daughter into college, something that she had promised me repeatedly she would not do, that I began to piece some of the clues together that had not made sense to me. The back-story to my reasoning for not wanting her to take him is fairly long and complicated so I will sum it up with: he still maintained a LOT of control over her, enough that when their oldest turned 18 and was emancipated the first year we were married, she let him talk her out raising his child support payments for their youngest daughter who still lived with us. This would have helped considerably with monthly expenses; he had a well-paying job and the raise in child support would have amounted to a substantial increase.She did this after watching me bust my ass to pay close to $5,000 a month during the first few years of our marriage. But by the time of their “trip” I mentioned earlier, my payments were down to around $2,000 a month. So I kinda-sorta had a little problem when her ex decided to quit a tenured job as a senior camera-operator for a major television station in town to become a “handy-man” in his neighborhood in what appeared to be his attempt to avoid paying the upcoming raise in his child support. This was one of about five areas of contention that had developed by then that kept being side-stepped with her maneuvering and manipulation tactics. It just didn’t make sense to me as we could have put the extra child support to good use. I should say “she” could have put it to good use because she kept her money separate from mine yet “generously” allowed me to pay all the bills, something I assume was her version of a “thoughtful gesture”. How sweet of her! Yeah, right…I had picked up on her clues when I wanted to discuss this situation. Her clues all intimated: “If you want things to continue as they have been, I suggest you don’t rock the boat” and even though I was not yet acquainted narcissists and the double entendres of narc-speak, I took this to mean: “keep pushing me for answers I obviously don’t want to give you and you are going to see a side of me you REALLY don’t want to see”. So being the peacekeeper I was, I relented.Despite a few Red Flags the size of a baseball infield’s rain tarp, for the most part I respected her warning. BUT, when she decided to take her child support avoidant ex-husband on trip over a weekend, something she had promised and assured me she would not do, I ended up finding out about it when I came across a picture on our camera that I deduced had to be taken at the time of the trip over to where they were headed. He KNEW I was against him riding with her for many reasons besides the child support issue, his control over being one of them, but she took him anyway. I knew he had not been in any sort of relationship for years at that point and I knew the sort of power he still held over her. I felt it was in our marriage’s best interest to avoid a potentially dangerous and hurtful situation. He took the picture when he had her to a point she was glowing and beaming at him with a look that was the complete opposite of anger, she was radiating in a way I had never seen her do before. I know she forgot that he took the picture and also knew he was sending me a very clear message about their secret weekend together. It was the look on her face, the joy in her smile that gave my intuition a jolt, I was not stupid. The reason I am writing about this is because this was the first time that I was fully and completely aware that she was lying to my face, and doing so repeatedly. She did it so convincingly that if I had not had the picture with the time and date on it, I would probably have believed her. And when she had shifted blame in every direction she could, tried to say one of her children took the picture, and did her best to minimize the situation, she finally realized she was caught dead to rights. She set her jaw very very angrily, and ignored me. At that moment, she exposed to me a portion, a part of her nature that I had been blissfully and blindly unaware of up to that point.Once she knew she was backed into a corner with no way out, she started her first silent treatment of me that lasted for several days. On top of it all, she knew “I KNEW” at that point, but she would not admit it or apologize for breaking her word. At first, she adamantly denied taking him and held firm to this until I became just as adamant that I knew the truth. Then I showed her the picture. At that point, she told me that one of her two girls must have taken the pic and she just did not remember who or when. Okay I thought, I showed her the time and date stamp on the .jpg file on the camera… Now I thought, she will apologize for trying to deceive me, and like any normal person, will plead with me to forgive her lack of faith that I would be able to understand…But what happened next threw me off balance. Once I proved to her that I KNEW she had been lying and there simply no way out of this. I anticipated her capitulating and the entire pyramid of lies she had constructed would topple to the ground. This was not fun I knew, but for many reasons, it simply needed to be done. I assumed she would realize the error of her ways, show me that she truly was sorry, and probably apologize repeatedly to me. Then, in my version of anticipated events, she would tell me the whole story in what ever way I needed to hear it. After all, at least in my mind, she had committed a serious breach of trust so the ball was in her court. It was up to her to try and fix whatever damage was done. It is not pleasant to do, to eat humble pie, or crow, or whatever, but I knew this was a very important aspect of mending the fences that we tear down. My 12 step program AND hers make this act a very important step we need to take, it was the only path to take when it came to confessing, admitting we were wrong, and making amends to those people we had harmed. It is what mature, responsible Adults do after all……. right?She knew she was caught lying over and over again to my face and she had no way out of the corner she was backed into. All the lies, the intent to deceive, then deceiving me in the worst way possible along with God only knows what else…. So I waited for her response which I just KNEW would be the beginning of healing this event…. But she looked away from me, set her jaw, fixed her face in the angriest expression I had ever seen her make, and resumed watching the television… She simply refused to take the next right step which was completely baffling to me. I tried asking a few simple questions but could feel the furious steam spewing off of her.. I had no words, I had nothing to compare this to, at least not with an adult and certainly not from any behavior I had witnessed from her before.I was left from that moment forward, for the rest of the marriage, with only my imagination to fill in the blanks regarding that event, and I tend to have a very vivid imagination at times… I KNEW in my gut what went on that weekend but I was not told for sure and never would be. She was using a five year old’s rationality and emotional processing and I could not see it for what it was. I could not find a reference point to use to try and understand what was happening. I simply had never experienced what was happening before. I thought about that night many times later in the marriage. It was NOT the first set of emotional abusive tactics she used on me, but as far I as could remember, it WAS the first example of her emotionally abusive behavior where she failed to neatly and effectively “side-step and avoid” until I would finally just gave up on ever understanding.Based on all the different elements from that “event” that were mixed together, the emotional abusiveness and disrespect, the breaking of trust, the copious number of Red Flags being waved before, during, and after that weekend, the diversionary tactics, minimization, and the like, there was much to learn from what I “saw”, but failed to “see”. From her point of view and the stance she was taking as well as the emotional state of mind that seemed almost transparent, AND, knowing now that she is covert narcissist, I can imagine some of the thoughts going through her mind when I cornered her……. perhaps some of them were similar to the following:How DARE he question me like that. Who does he think he is?I’LL SHOW THAT MOTHER FLUXER, I’M NOT SAYING ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS RIDICULOUS ACCUSATION.HMMM, If I refuse to actually admit this, does it prove it didn’t actually happen because I don’t acknowledge it…. i don’t know, I have never grasped that “Logic” thing…. Wait just a minute, I do not have to prove anything to anyone, IF I say it happened, it did, IF I say it didn’t, it didn’t…. that was easy and simple wasn’t it?HE IS GOING TO SEE A SIDE OF ME HE DOESN’T KNOW EXISTS….YET!GRRRRRR, I JUST CAN NOT BELIEVE HE IS DOING THIS. I TOLD HIM THE THINGS I WOULD NOT ACCEPT AGAIN IN ANY RELATIONSHIP AND HERE HE IS DOING THOSE EXACT THINGSTHAT SON OF A BITCH, I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN ALLOW SOMEONE TO EXPECT ME TO ANSWER TO THEM ABOUT WHAT I CHOOSE TO DOPOOOR MAN, KNOW THIS BOTHERED HIM BUT DAMN, I TOOK MY EX BECAUSE IT WAS MY DECISION TO MAKE, NOT HIS…. WHAT COULD WE HAVE DONE? HAH, NOTHING NEW ANYHOW, HE’S MY EX-HUSBAND AND KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANY ONE ELSE…HE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY WENT ON THIS PAST WEEKEND AND I WILL NEVER TELL…. HIS OVERACTIVE BRAIN WILL DRIVE HIM CRAZY TRYING TO FIGURE IT…GROW UP DOUG, GOOD LORD, IT WAS JUST SEX WITH MY EX-HUSBAND, IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.. AS HE POINTED OUT, I WAS THE ONE THAT ABANDONED HIM. AND YES IT WAS GOOD, HE WAS WITH ME FOR ALMOST 30 YEARS…. THAT THOUGHT IS MINE AND MINE ALONE UNLESS I DECIDE TO SHARE IT IN ORDER TO GET SOMETHING BETTER BY DOING SO.HE IS GOING TO PAY AND PAY FOR THIS AND BEFORE ALL IS SAID AND DONE, PAY SOME FRIGGIN’ MORE IN WAYS HE NEVER WOULD IMAGINE IN THOUSAND YEARS I AM CAPABLE OF DOING TO HIM. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?Those are the sorts of things her overall demeanor was telling me. My stab at what might have been happening in her mind at that moment is obviously pure conjecture. What I noticed most blatantly was what WASN’T said that night, or even in the future. Not about what happened on the trip, I am referring to what NEVER happened in our relationship that I fully had expect would….the missing “apology”… Up until then, I thought she was basically a fairly normal person with a few issues stemming from her childhood.. I had no idea what lurked behind the mask she wore and even if I did, I did not have the tools, the knowledge, or the resources to put it all together back then. No, in order to be able to do that, I needed another five years or so of her covert abuse tactics, her devaluation, her subtle demeaning and eroding of the person I had been…How many possible Red Flags or Emotional Abuse Tactics surrounded that weekend? Here are a few….DenialComplete Lack of RemorseNo Regret whatsoeverA grandiose sense of Entitlement - This was something I was already aware of from three or four other issues that I could not make sense of…A total REFUSAL to accept Responsibility for her ActionsGas lightingSilent TreatmentDiminishingMinimizingPassive-Aggressive BehaviorLying - Appearing to be an innate part of her personalityDeceivingBlame ShiftingReverse ProjectionDARVO - Denying, Arguing, Reversing the Victim/Oppressor rolesVictimizingCheating - from what I know now about her, I can put that one as “almost conclusive”DemandingAngerBelittling, Condescending AttitudeBlamingBullyingBroken Promises - Becoming a Chronic issue at that pointEmotional BlackmailShaming. and feeling. ShamedAvoidanceSelective MemorySituational EthicsIntimidationLack of ConscienceManipulationThere are more likely more Red Flags, Traits, and Behaviors associated with narcissism and other personality disorders that I haven’t thought about. The weekend mentioned that all these Traits refer to was just that, a single weekend. It wasn’t for another almost full five years that I began my search for deeper truths and answers that were “dead on the money”.She never filled me on the actual events of the weekend though I was sure I already knew at least part of it. To tell you it hurt me would do the word “hurt” injustice, no, I was devastated. I am also painfully aware now that at that time, she would have just built lies on top of lies figuring I would, as usual, just swallow them and not question them. She first denied it happened, then when caught, she never indicated that she had the least bit of remorse about it, or regret. And even though she knew I knew, by using her silent treatment, she refused to be held accountable for her actions. She felt “entitled” to do what she wanted, if she wanted to do something, ANYTHING, no matter the cost to me or our relationship, it did not matter to her one iota if it hurt me and shattered my trust. Her Ends always justified her Means. Although I was not yet able to comprehend it, that weekend she revealed parts of the person behind the mask that I did not know existed.The “sex life” we had enjoyed up to that point, changed that night. I never understood the “why” until years later when I began learning about narcissists and their abhorrent behavior. Our sex life, that had been all I could have ever asked for was forever changed and it was all because I wanted her to hold herself accountable by owning her actions and then be honest with me. When she refused, I let her know I knew the truth because I had the proof. But she simply refused to do it. This was the first major shift of a sexual nature since we had gotten married and because I had been lied to my face, it signaled the end of my blind trust. It was all too easy to realize that because I had dared to call her on her lies to me, dared ask that my wife be open and honest with me, that somehow, someway, I was at fault and I was going to be the one to pay it. Once the gravity of that night and what it implied settled in, I was able to look back earlier in the marriage and see where variations on this “theme” had occurred before in similar instances. Being “Mr. Don’t Rock the Boat” or “Mr. I. F Orgive ALL”, I had let things slide or minimized the effect they had on me for the sake of our “loving relationship”. It was becoming apparent that as long as I did not question her about anything she decided to do, that was “her version” of the kind marriage she wanted to be in with me.She wanted someone that accepted for who she was, warts and all which meant I was supposed to accept unacceptable behavior from her without question. Yet I was not given the same leeway and tolerance in other aspects of the marriage.She wanted someone to “always and forever” see her with “rose colored glasses” on, even if they found her mating with pigs in the mud.She wanted to be put first in her man’s eyes, but the concepts of equality and reciprocation seemed to have passed her by… I was painfully aware that I was NOT first in her eyes, no, I came after herself, her children, and even her ex husband at times.She demanded Respect from others, but ignored her own behaviors that were extremely disrespectful…And this list could continue on ad nauseum….It was perplexing to me that in the end, I was to become the person in the relationship ‘punished’ for something that she did. I get it now, but back then I could not make any sense of it. It was completely at odds with my vision of the type of open and honest marriage I thought we had. This still amazes (disgusts?) me when I compare the clarity of what I understand now with the growing fog of cognitive dissonance that would continue to amass from that point until the end of the marriage. Ever since that day when I let her know that she had severely damaged my trust, she made it a point to “underline” each time she broke her word again in a very defiant way, to state it nicely. She was the playground bully of my later life, in a revised and updated physical format, who still uses the emotional abuse tactics of a five year old.If I tried my damnedest, I don’t think I could adequately convey the depth and scope of the damages she intentionally inflicted on me over the course of the marriage. All the while it was happening, it was absolutely maddening to feel like there was little, if anything, I could do to prevent it or stop it. Equally as frustrating was the fact that I am positive she knew this and yet kept turning up the heat to watch me writhe in pain and squirm. Psychological abuse, like she began to dish out from that point forward in the marriage, had always seemed almost alien to me, even though history underscores many such events of unimaginable magnitude that contain examples of horrible yet intentional physical and/or emotional abuse. It never felt “personal” to me to read about it. “This”, was all too personal.To rephrase my answer to the question, “Yes, it seems she was hyper-sexual”. First for her own gratification and second, for the double purpose it served in acting like a “mirror” she could use very effectively to reflect back to me the sensuality she knew was important to me. And later, because she had nurtured and intentionally built upon the sexual nature of our marriage that had served so well to bind me to her physically, spiritually, and emotionally, she also knew she held the “powerful and destructive weapon of intentional withholding” firmly in her grasp and was able to wield it with the maximum amount of damage cruelly being exacted from each blow.When this person who adamantly claimed to be my “soulmate forever” broke my trust, it cracked parts of the internal foundation that was fundamental to the person I was. Up until that point in my life, I thought I understood the basic rules to the game of love, what was acceptable, what wasn’t, and had thought I conducted myself within these parameters. I have since discovered that there are certain things so antithetical to to my concept of love, I lacked a place mentally to process them, let alone look for and guard against. This was not the last time in the marriage where her behavior and actions were so incongruous and out of context with my concept of a loving relationship that I would be left stunned, no, it was far from it…. this seemed to mark the beginning a whole new era in the marriage where she wanted to “punish me” for “her failure” and refusal to be held responsible. It was also the start of a long period of open defiance and despising towards me during which she methodically began to set me up to appear to be the “bad guy” as she slipped so easily into the “victim” role.And yet inexplicably, all the way through to the end, I was aware of how deeply imbedded her original “hooks” were that she placed in me to ensnare me from the start. They were still imbedded in my psyche and after months of No Contact, I now understand just how powerful a narcissist’s ability is to con and deceive during their love-bombing phase. Even after the years of inexcusable, malevolent abuse she cruelly heaped onto me, the hooks one logically assumes would be released and be long gone at that point, somehow, they were still there in the form of all memories of the love I “thought” we shared. Now I understand just how self-deluding and deceptive those memories have the potential to be if I ever let them dissuade the clarity I have now about what “really” happened, and the evil behind how it was done.. After all, those memories were custom designed and created just for me in a manner of construction I had absolutely no way of detecting was false. Those memories, hooks, were attached to the most intimate, vulnerable and essential parts of me that she had successfully deceived her way into seeking out and destroying one by one. The deepest parts of me were barely protected because of my lack of boundaries and my naivety as to “what” she was…. and my total lack of awareness as to the horrible emotional damage her “kind” had the ability to do to their unaware victims. As such, I was the perfect target for her. I had been a toy, a puppet, for a twisted and maligned bully to make dance and do her bidding. It is a terribly frightening concept to contemplate and an even worse scenario to ever have to endure.It makes me wonder if the narcissists leave their “hooks” in us as a possible anchor point to use for future hoovering. I now know that the power of the early memories of the love I thought we shared before she began to reveal her true self are best avoided if at all possible. They are beyond “toxic” in their nature because the danger inherent in them. I know my love was all too real, while hers was a horrid Machiavellian mirage of pure unrepentant evil disguised and hidden in the maze of manipulation and deception she cruelly employed. If these memories still lurk somewhere inside of me, which I know they do, I have to remind myself that for me, they are like playing with fire with gasoline soaked hands. I must repeat over and over the phrase “It wasn’t real, it was ONLY my love being reflected back to me” or something similar. In the simplest of terms, “A SoulMate would NEVER do ANY of that”….Before the divorce decree stamped the finality of the situation, I remember not understanding why, at seemingly random times and unbidden, a glimmer of ”that which was” was would dance through my mind because the vile, greedy, nasty, lying, and smearing “creature” she was during the divorce was like looking into the face of my worst nightmare turned reality. …and, just as perplexingly, after the hell I went through, on occasion, such memories still slip by to surface briefly today… It is baffling to me, as well as totally terrifying, that ANY loving memories have managed to remain after all I endured. I danced with the Devilress once and barely survived, what are the odds I would make it out a second time? .,,..While cold cold shivers grip my body, all I can think is “ God, please help me to remain aware and vigilant…”For my part, some of these memories were made from MY “sincerity of feeling” during the first part of the relationship. I see no need to delude myself otherwise and may in fact, unintentionally set myself up for consequences I have no desire to incur. While I can know that I have absolutely no intention of fondly dwelling on those memories at some unknown time in the future To do so, for me, could put me in state of extreme risk and vulnerability. At the same time, I am aware that I am not in control of my dreams. I am also very aware that at least some of the thoughts that pop into my mind throughout any given day are not summoned by me.As I rewrite this part of my answer it occurs to me that IF, and only IF I intentionally, purposefully, and permanently attach to each such memory another memory representing my covert narcissist’s vile and malevolent intent to deceive me that was inherent in every mirrored echo she returned, I will have done what I can to counterbalance the “what I thought it was” with “what it really was”. I realize that this must be coupled with an awareness of “what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now” to keep an ever-present reality check in place.Peace, Doug

Photo courtesy of Sterling Clarren, M.D. (Brain on the left: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome aka FAS. Brain on the right: not alcohol exposed.)Frankly, I have been avoiding answering this question because the answer is bone crushing for both the parents and the child… and for me. Raising a child who has a FASD to adulthood can put unbelievable stress on a marriage, can crush those who don’t know what they are doing, and crush the child whose parents believe that love is enough. Parents have written books to answer this very question.A very important piece of information to know is that this is a spectrum. Only 10% of children born with a fetal alcohol syndrome disorder have the signature facial traits, lower I.Q., (but usually not retarded) and small head. They are frequently beautiful children so people don’t notice these traits. The other 90% who have FASD, which is not a diagnosis, have no distinguishable physical traits so it is a completely hidden disorder. However, whether a person has FAS or the FASDs, all still have the same core problems that include cognitive and behavioral disorders and learning problems.As a parent you will need to learn strategies to help them to conquer the overwhelming hurdles they face. Our daughter failed pre-school and kindergarten twice. She desperately wanted to be with other children to interact, but was too afraid to be left alone. So, I sat in the back of the room at the teacher’s request for one year. When she finally got into first grade, she had a nervous breakdown. I had to drive to the school to carry her limp body home. These children are extremely fragile. It took a year for her to recover.Major life changes to accommodate our childrenSince there was no appropriate or safe school for our child, we sold our home and relocated 3000 miles to a state that had specialized private schools funded at 100% by the state. Out-of-pocket expenses would have been $40,000 per year until 12th grade in our home state. This was all part of raising a child with FAS. If the child can’t make the adjustment, the parent has to. Or as we usually say: Since you can’t change the child, you have to change the environment.Medical and other issuesSevere medical issues can cause an additional neverending rollercoaster for the entire family. These are not just financial concerns. Watching your children, teens, and young adults suffer physically will break your heart. My heart has been repeatedly broken as a mother and a counselor for parents raising children with FASDs. Only recently I dared to ask the question: What is the average lifespan of individuals with FASDs? Studies conclude: thirty-four-years-old. Our daughter just turned thirty-four. As parents, we already see the signs. And here we thought our biggest fear was how will our adult children navigate their lives without us? Who will manage their finances?Are there those with FASDs who make it in life?Only about 5% of adults who have FASD will ever be high functioning. I have seen a few unicorns who beat the odds, but they emotionally paid a very high price. Remember that their central nervous systems have also been compromised so good luck finding a real career that isn’t stressful. They, too, have had to conquer learning disabilities that made learning so over-the-top difficult.Parents be advised. Always keep the future in mind.Keep a detailed paper trail of all records, especially school and medical records. You will need all the ammunition you can muster to fight for S.S.I. when your child reaches 18. Keep duplicates when you do file because most of us have had the experience of having the government somehow lose this mound of records at least two or three times. Know that S.S.I. is retroactive to the date you filed. Also, I never hired a lawyer. Waste of money. I knew I would fight harder than they.Parenting Advice:For the first 6 years, I had to give up my career. These are 24/7 babies, toddlers, children, and teens. Once they were in school, I went into teaching high school so I could have the same hours. Even with one child, my husband and I lost date night. We couldn’t leave this child with just any babysitter. It took quite some time before we found an adult who could handle such a high maintenance and frighteningly fearless child. When we moved closer to family, my mother gained expertise with FAS by babysitting our child. She was a nursery school teacher and mother to 3 rambunctious boys. She adores her grandchild. But when we went away for our first weekend in 7 years, on the first night we got a phone call. He had gotten an earache, heard the word “doctor” and then began to flail his legs and hands at my mother. She was so frightened that we had to come home.You can’t just be a good parent with these kids and adults. You have to be an expert. Be willing to sacrifice your entire life. Our strategy was to buy one year at a time. Also, we had better outcomes by keeping our young adult at home until at least age twenty-five or even thirty-years-old.You have to be able to ignore the teachers, family members, and neighbors who say you are a bad parent because the usual parenting strategies just don’t work. Always keep in mind: they won’t get it so you will be blamed. Learn to blow off those who haven’t walked in your shoes.Know that if you don’t know what you are doing, things will definitely spiral completely out of control. And even if you know what you are doing, you can still lose control during the teenage years when their friends are more important than you. That’s when my hair began to show signs of white streaks.It is also tough to realize that for most of our children with FASDs that they need us, but don’t love us. They have very low empathy. The good news is that they don’t hold grudges for long. Yesterday’s crisis or what happened an hour ago is history, even though the parent is still reeling from the event. Their attitude is, “Oh, that. It’s over.” Meanwhile, the parent is trying to recover from the shockwaves before the next crisis.A parent learning for the first time about his son’s FAS diagnosis. This conversation sums up outcomes with FAS.I had a recent phone call from a very articulate father who had just gotten custody of his 3 children from his ex- wife. He told me that his one son has a definite diagnosis of FAS. That immediately told me that the mother is an alcoholic. This was probably the only time that I made the mistake of telling a parent more than he could hear in one call. Usually the mother calls. He thought that he wanted straight answers to his questions and did not want to be coddled.His first question: “Will my son be able to go to college?” Answer: No. Pause. “Will he be able to support a family?” Answer: No. “Should he parent a child and have a family?” No.Long pause and then: “ Can you give me some good news or hope?”I asked, “Were your other children exposed to the same levels of alcohol?”His answer, “Yes.” A very long pause from me and then the worst blow of all. “You need to consider the strong possibility that the other children have FASD.”This man had just remarried. I am still grieving for the entire family. The diagnosing doctor probably didn’t know enough about FAS to tell him anything useful.M.D.s and mental health professionalsI spent eight years doing grand rounds at hospitals in New York City teaching doctors, psychiatrists, and other health professionals about FASDs. They received continuing education credits. Most of them were dumbstruck at the end of the grand round. Some realized that they had patients who demonstrated the behavioral and cognitive problems described. I had hired a techie who has FAS to help me with equipment. Many doctors surrounded him to ask questions. They didn’t see all the facial and body traits I had just taught them. It takes a trained eye to spot FAS. The doctors all enjoyed this young man’s fast wit and humor, but their questions were deftly left unanswered.My experience is that most doctors and mental health professionals will not be able to give you accurate information. That is why you, as a parent, must become an expert.Parenting AdviceBabies: Let them sleep with you at night if necessary. They need your body contact. Avoid loud sounds, strong smells, and bright lights. Be aware that these babies -some even beyond their teen years-have sensory problems. Shampooing their hair might hurt. They will find food textures annoying to the point that they won’t eat. Have them wear soft clothing with tags at the back removed. Don’t let them out of your sight for a second. Our 13-month-old climbed up our backyard trellis to the top of our roof before he could walk. He also climbed over the wall that was supposed to be a barrier for a large pool that belonged to our next door neighbor.My best advice? Stimulate them from the very beginning: This is an opportunity to begin to strengthen their brains. Tickle them. Play airplane. Have them use all their muscles in play activities. At night use a calming technique of gently stroking their prone bodies from head to toe with your fingernails. This will soothe them and calm them down. In fact, use this technique whenever you see their stress levels begin to rise. One young man, in his late teen years, taught his girlfriend to do this for him.Older children: the danger years.At ten he had a friend come over for a sleepover. I always did this so I could observe the other child. I needed to know that his friends were safe influences. This one wasn’t. For fun they decided to throw rocks at a Mercedes in our neighborhood to see who could put a bigger dent in the car. Of course, our insurance didn’t cover this. By the ages of 12 to 13, they are fascinated with matches. My child and a friend set a waste paper basket on fire and ruined the rug. I did warn the other mother to keep a good eye on them. She was very gracious. Caveat: you are responsible for anything destructive that your child does until the age of 18.At twelve, he climbed to the top of a huge tree in front of our house while balancing on a swaying limb. He was waving to me while I watched from our third floor. This wasn’t fearlessness. It was lack of judgment. I stood there for a second in horror and then ran. I ended up having to call the fire department to get him down.For babies, toddlers, and children: Watch out for their stress levels. They will bang their heads extremely hard on a floor or cement wall because they don’t have coping mechanisms.CHILDREN: Be on guard that this is when they begin to steal and lie. Now, this is when the parenting paradigm shift really occurs. Stay calm. Don’t criticize. Never scold or yell. Those strategies will only escalate what is happening or the child or teen will rage, flight or flee. Once they have calmed down, you can talk about what happened. Role play such as asking “How would you feel if Johnny took your favorite toy? Let’s give it back to him.” (Be aware of how the other child's parent will react.) Finesse as necessary. Very important: Make it safe to tell the truth.We always let our child know that there wouldn't be any punishment for telling us the truth, and we kept our word. But we now knew what to look out for. Know that they have a keen sense of fairness, especially when it applies to them.ADHD: I know of very few cases in which a child or teen with FASDs doesn’t have what appears to be or is ADHD. If Ritalin or Adderall etc., works, then do it. If the pediatrician doesn’t cooperate, find another M.D. who will prescribe it. You will see a real difference if the medication works. Appropriate age? About 7. You will know within 3 days if it works.FAS: Ear infections. Most M.D.s are unaware that children with FAS have deformed eustachean tubes, so their ears can’t drain when they have a cold or water in their ears. Screaming babies can’t tell you what is wrong. Antibiotics should be kept on hand in your refrigerator at all times if you see this pattern or you will end up in the emergency room for hours unattended with a baby or child in excruciating pain. When they are older, consider tubes in the ears to keep them off antibiotics.Avoid triggers: What you want to avoid is anything that can escalate into a full-blown temper tantrum or rage. These rages can be frightful.Triggers: Stress, fear, schedule changes, frustration, criticism, the word “No”. Going to the doctor can be a huge trigger. Doctors equal shots. Dentists? Find one that specializes with children and forewarn the dentist. Be there in the room. Surgeries? Insist on being in the room! We lost an entire year because of one surgery. All the behaviors regressed.What works? Quiet time-out; redirect; distractions; bribery. You need to be imaginative or know what your child really wants so you can achieve your goal.How do these children learn? Repetition, repetition, repetition. Positive rewards for real successes. Good role modeling. One direction at a time. Be concrete. Know that they will forget everything tomorrow. So repeat. Be patient.What do they need? Structure, structure, structure and many social opportunities. They crave friends.Questions parents often ask:Should I seek out a therapist? Remind yourself that these children and teens are very good manipulators. You will end up being the bad guy. My advice? Read everything you can get your hands on. NOFAS is a good site. If you can find a real FAS counseling clinic, you have a rare find. FAS only recently got in the DSM V so it is barely taught in psychology graduate programs or M.D. programs yet. It depends on what state you live in. Minnesota and Washington state? You’ve hit the jackpot. For unbelievable disability benefits, the best kept secret for people with FASDs is Wisconsin. (Mothers from different states can be a great resource.)If the child has suffered trauma, then you need to deal with that. Be aware that there are very few real FAS or trauma experts out there. In my experience professionals say they have experience in FAS or trauma. When vetted properly, they can’t even answer basic questions.Any advice about school? If your son or daughter has real trouble with the multiplication table, cursive writing, homework, etc., ditch it- especially if he or she has a FAS diagnosis. The math part of the brain has been badly damaged with FAS, so even simple math is a real problem. Don’t fret. They can learn how to use a calculator. Fine motor problems? It’s not worth the stress to learn cursive writing. Stress levels too high because of homework? Tell the teacher why homework wasn’t finished. Many parents refuse any kind of homework. It really depends upon the child. Do teach your child’s teacher and school counselors about FASDs. They need to understand why you are digressing from the rules. You will also need a comprehensive I.E.P. that addresses your child’s unique problems. Know that school districts don’t want to pay for services you are entitled to.What should be my goal? Your goal is to teach your child life skills, how to socialize with other children, to be a person with integrity, and to survive the teenage and young adult years intact. All the rest will be the wonderful surprises that can occur with Neuroplasticity. There are some spectacular cognitive re-wirings that occur somewhere around the age of 25-years-old. Also, you also do not want to be a grandmother. In all likelihood, you will be raising your own grandchildren.We now know that these grandchildren have damaged DNA, even if your daughter did not drink during that pregnancy. There is an epigenetic effect that grandparents are now seeing with their grandchildren and scientists are seeing in mice.Your goal is also to avoid secondary disabilities. Know that these children are “moths driven to the flame” when it comes to alcohol. They need to self-medicate to calm down their central nervous system. Once they are 18-years-old, you can’t force them to take medications. I wish we could have kept our teenager on Zoloft. There was much less anxiety and stress while on this medication. We are concerned that she may self-medicate. This is why we insist that he not work more than twenty-six hours per week based on previous work experience. We are paying for most of the living expenses. No one can live only on S.S.I. It doesn’t even cover the cost of a basement apartment.Are there any co-existing disorders that can be part of the FASD picture? If adopted, watch out for trauma and/or RAD. Other diagnoses that can co-occur adopted or not could include ODD, OCD, bi-polar or others. Be aware that there is a degree of what appears to be obsessive behaviors and oppositional defiance within the FASD diagnosis itself. It doesn’t mean the child has OCD or ODD. If the child does have a real Oppositional Defiance Disorder, I have never had any success with these children, so I didn’t take on more cases. Also, these children/adults have broken circadian clocks. They want to stay up at night and sleep during the day. Factor that in. Part-time night jobs seem to a good solution.Will my child have any special talents? Yes! Absolutely. Our “child”, who is now an adult, has an unusual artistic bent. She can look at a painting and analyze exactly why it does or doesn't work. Her photography is exceptional. Problem? No follow-through without structure. Try to build on these talents if possible. If you can raise a confident child to adulthood, you may have a FASD success story. We do.What do you as a parent need? Respite. If you are not in good shape, the entire family will falter. Prioritize. A clean house is not a primary or even a secondary goal.Where can I find a support group? There is an excellent support group on Facebook called “ Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Support.” Join and ask questions. There are experts usually available. These veteran adoptive mothers have raised their children to adulthood. They are also frequently FAS advocates for their respective states.

I have some experience with children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) because I have been asked to facilitate Individualized Education Program (IEP) meetings at schools for a number of children diagnosed with ODD. Their families stay in touch with me over time and I hear from parents what worked -- and what didn't work.The most efficient way to understand a child with ODD is to find a behavioral psychologist with experience in assessing functional behavior through the use of a research-validated method called functional behavior analysis.Basically, something triggers opposition and/or defiance and a screening device is used to determine why and when ODD behaviors arise.Then a plan is made to deliver alternatives to opposition and defiance so a child feels more in control of her or his behavior and can communicate more directly than by using opposition or defiance.There are extreme examples. One girl with ODD and diabetes burned her desk and almost burned down the house. She was way out of control, given to outbursts and violent behavior. Her parents were beside themselves and locked her in her room at night so her siblings and parents could sleep. Her grades in school were failing and barely passing but her IQ and placement scores indicated she could go to college if she could change her behaviors.Her parents elected to place her in a private therapeutic school where the behaviors were rewarded which helped her to achieve the life she wanted, and when she exhibited ODD behaviors she was not granted the privileges she wanted to have.In that therapeutic environment, the opposition and defiance were unable to manipulate adults into getting what she wanted. It is about 15 years since her first IEP meeting. She is now taking care of herself, has a good job, graduated from college, and has a good relationship both with her family and with a significant other, with whom she lives.The decision to have this child leave home was heartbreaking for her family. But the parents were courageous. They thought about the life this child would have had and made the right decision -- for her. The school supported the family's decision, recognizing that a more restrictive environment was crucial if this child was going to develop into an empathetic and caring member of our society.Most ODD cases are not as clear or easy. Most require a functional behavior analysis, many visits to an experienced psychologist and most families cannot afford the cost. So they ask for an FBA through the IEP process -- with varying degrees of success.Most of the lack of success is due to an inability to consistently implement the behavior plan.And I think almost all failures are due to a child's lack of feeling connected to an adult, someone who inspires in the child better behavior through a different set of expectations.Connection (constancy over time) creates trust and inspiration, which I see as key to motivation.