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A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I'll differentiate you!"One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I'll differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I'll differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I WILL DIFFERENTIATE YOU AND THEN I WILL INTEGRATE YOU!"The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate and integrate me all you like: I'm e to the x."Plot twist: The mathematician slapped the new patient really hard. Don't fuck with me. I am d/dy!!! *evil grin!

What I thought would be common knowledge for this physician-patient turned out not to be.A medical oncologist I work with named Dr. Smith called about a patient with a relatively uncommon form of cancer called a MALT lymphoma. He told me that the patient, Dr. _____ had recently retired after many decades at the Mayo Clinic. He moved back to our city, because his daughter lived here with her physician husband.At the appointment, I introduced myself to Dr.______ along with his wife and daughter. I began by reviewing his history. I do this when I am first seeing a new patient to make sure they understand the situation we are addressing. I had talked for a few minutes when Dr.____ asked “Now what’s the duodenum?” I’m sure my surprise was evident in my facial expression as I tried to think of what to say. During the pause, Dr.____’s wife said “maybe Dr. Smith didn’t clarify that my husband has a PhD in economics - he worked as a hospital administrator at the Mayo Clinic”. Just a little embarrassed, I started over with the vocabulary I would use for a “non-physician” patient and the consult continued.

One of the many new patient forms to sign was an affirmation that I had received the “patients rights” brochure. I carefully paged through the packet, but there was no such brochure. I didn’t really care about yet another brochure, but on principle, I didn’t sign.I completed the rest of the packet and took it to reception to turn it in and ask for the brochure. The woman at the desk said she couldn’t provide it until I signed all the paperwork. I politely pointed out that that particular form was a legal acknowledgement that I received something I hadn’t. If she just gave me the brochure, I would happily sign right there in front of her. Again, this time testily, she refused.Rather than arguing the catch-22 any longer, I signed the form, she handed over the brochure, and I went in to my first and last appointment with that provider.