Softball Team Donation Letter: Fill & Download for Free

This answer may contain sensitive images. Click on an image to unblur it.It’s funny how you recall information or memories. Since I discovered Quora I feel that some of my memories just rush forward just by reading a question. These memories are locked up somewhere in my mind by layers and layers of other memory. I’ve actually witnessed a lot of deaths since I was a medic in the military and a caregiver when I left. This memory that rushed into my thoughts actually really upset me. I wanted to tell this story but first I needed permission from someone. If you read any of my past answers you will see I always avoid using names of people and places. I believe some of this is so sensitive that I fear I may offend a family or friend more than I fear that I am violating HIPPA.When I left the army after about 10+ years of services (I served actually around 9 years without all the schools/training I had to take) I realized for the short time I worked as a respiratory practitioner I really didn’t want to take care of adult patients. We really do complain too much and it’s typically are fault that we find ourselves in the hospital. We either drink too much, smoke too much, drive too fast or any of the “Too Much’s” that we do all the time. I decided pediatrics was going to be my next move. I didn’t mind kids. Most of the time I had fun with them. I never saw myself getting married or having kids of my own. I had a really attractive girlfriend at the time and we just moved in together. I wasn’t looking to start a family.I was already a couple of months into my new job working nigh shift at a hospital that had 2 floors of general pediatric populations, a PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and a specialty pediatric floor. I started off in PICU and then moved to NICU. I had enough prior experience that my supervisors didn’t believe I needed to do the mandatory 2 years of floor experience before moving into the ICU. In PICU, most of my patients that were assigned to me were critical meaning that they were typically on a ventilator. So you can imagine that there wasn’t much communication between me and the patients. There was some between me and the family members. Almost 4 months into the job a team of pulmonologist decided they were going to begin sending all their patients to our new area that was built for children that had specific respiratory issues. Being part of PICU I never really saw these patients. It was primarily the floor therapist that worked with them.I don’t remember the specific day but I remember walking into PICU and looking for my name on the white board that told me which patients I would be assigned that shift. The assigned team leader that shift told me I had to go down to the department. “Yup” I remember is I said but in my mind I thought, “what the fuck did I possibly do to get myself into trouble”? I believed I solved the question in my head I started cursing the nurse to blame. I walked into the department and day shift was already giving report to their relief. I walked through my supervisors door and sat down on the chair looking obviously annoyed. Fortunately my boss liked me. At a hospital department party about a month earlier in a club I had slapped a guys drink out his hands because he was becoming too threatening to my boss because my boss was gay and it was obvious by his mannerism (how he spoke and his pretty feminine use of his overly flopping loosed wrists hands). Now that he couldn’t use the beer bottle as a weapon I confronted him aggressively. It never elevated into a fight. He was just another bully picking on someone weaker then himself. Typical reaction when he walked away when confronted with the greater possibility of violence being set upon himself. So I didn’t worry too much if I was about to get into trouble. “On your application you said you did your thesis on cystic fibrosis right”? I hated it when flopped his loose hands around when he talked. “Come on, you know I did”, I joked. “Yay!”, he said as his flopping continued. “We need you to sponsor someone”, he too overly excited said to me. I really wasn’t into this new thing the hospital was doing. Each practitioner on the floors would “adopt” (we would be their primary caregiver) a child with cystic fibrosis (CF). If you’ve never heard of it its a disease that causes your organs to secrete particularly thick mucus inside of it. These primarily affected the GI tract, reproductive system but most dangerously the respiratory system. At the time, a child was lucky to reach his/her 20’s if the respiratory system was compromised. When I did my thesis it was difficult to actually talk to a patient because most parents felt like the interview would upset their child. “Here’s your girl” he handed me a brief of her history and medical history. I was happy it took both hands for him to hand me the folder. “Now listen”, the flopping started as soon as his hands were free. “Lessly can be difficult. But remember, she’s only 8”, he ended and gave me the side long glance that he used to annoy me that was his attempt to flirt but he knew it was more annoying than anything else.I understood, as I was in the elevator going to the respiratory floor, that I only would have to take care of Lessly when she was in the hospital. If I was in the PICU I was obligated to try and be there for her therapy. These CF kids would spend anywhere from 1–2 months at a time in the hospital every year for maintenance and even longer if they got sick. They weren’t suppose to mingle with each other because they can get each other sick. Later in my career I would catch 2 CF patients actually having sex in one of their bathrooms. They were teenagers irregardless if they had special needs or not. Some of their treatment took almost 60 minutes. Sometimes even more. At night though it wasn’t so bad because we wanted them to sleep so it typically involved a mask connected to a nebulizer that we slipped on them while they slept. Some of the kiddos that were sicker had to sleep with oxygen or a BiPAP machine.Annoyed that I’ve already been walking around the floors and checked both play rooms looking for Lessly. I found her in another patient’s room. A nurse told me where to find her and she gave me a warning smile as she wished me luck. I introduced myself faking being nicer by a power of at least 4 when I told it was time for her treatment. She knew she wasn’t suppose to be in the room but at least the other patient had a mask on. Something all our CF patients were required to do when they left their own room. Lessly turned to me and I actually was taken aback by her large, almost cartoonish eyes. “I think I’ll skip it until later”, her voice faded just a bit at the end when we made eye contact. “Fine, I’ll just chart ‘patient refuse treatment’. See ya later”. I was annoyed and wasn’t going to deal with this tonight. As I was walking away she ran past me, her hospital gown flapping and opening behind her. “Fine, lets hurry”, she was gasping as she dashed to her room. “Hey fix your gown! And where the fuck is your mask”?! I shut my mouth really quickly and looked around to see who heard me. “Language” the nurse that told me where Lessly could be found said without even looking up at me. “I know”, was all I can say.Lessly was difficult at first. She was actually kind of bossy. You know what though. She actually knew her routine pretty well. She did all the medication in the right order and she actually told me some of the numbers I needed to check on a few tests that she performed herself. She liked to use the mouth piece instead of the mask. I remembered seeing it on her file. I like that too. She couldn’t talk when she had it in her mouth. I told her to behave and I stepped outside to the nurses station. I introduced myself to the pretty attractive nurse that had helped me and then warned me earlier. I found out she was Lessly’s adopted RN. She warned me that Lessly has been known to be difficult but that I probably knew that already by reading her family history. I agreed and made it a point to remember to actually read her file. When the last of her therapy was done I listened to her lungs. I typically put my hand on the backs of my patients when I listen to their chest. I found that it kept them from scooting away from my stethoscope if it were a bit cold. She wiggled while I was trying to listen to her. “Your hands are cold”, she half laughed. “Shhh”, I said making sure it didn’t sound too sharp. I was closing her door when I was leaving and I said goodnight when she asked, “Are you going to be my RT from now on and are you coming back tonight”? I looked at her big brown eyes and jokingly smiled, “Only if I decide I like you”. “You better because I like you”, she said really quickly. I was kind of shocked at her comment considering that we didn’t build any connection and I wasn’t too patient with her. My next smile was a bit more genuine, “Go to sleep babe. I’ll see you later tonight”. That’s how my first night started with Lessly. I sat down and went over her history half paying attention to what I was reading half paying attention to her nurse sitting next to me as she charted. I already knew Lessly was of Hispanic decent by her last name before I met her. Her parents live quite a distance away. She had 6 other brothers and sisters and she was the 3rd from the top. By their insurance I assumed that their family didn’t make a lot of money. Out of all their children, Lessly was the only one that was born with CF. “Shitty luck”, I thought. So I thought I did. “Language” her nurse said again. “Sometimes I think out loud”, I apologized. She was cool enough to laugh with me.Surprisingly our bond grew stronger. It was because I didn’t coddled her. She was kind of a wild child. Always wanted to have fun and didn’t follow all the rules. It only took about 3 weeks before I got written up when they found out Lessly was making calls to the nurses station requesting candy for herself when she was actually giving it to me. I actually felt horrible when it was made clear to me that I was actually stealing candy from kids. CFers had problems absorbing calories. There was a large closet with almost every imaginable candy your can think of. Not just the typical American type candy but also the kind that children from Mexico would be familiar with. All of it was donated by the candy manufacturer for the kids at this hospital. Eventually I would meet her family. They didn’t speak English well enough to completely understand so her oldest sister, Marla, translated most of the time. They had only one car in the family and not all the children could fit and the mother didn’t drive. That explains why I didn’t see them all the time. It was like that for some of the kids. Most had it better with parents being with them in the hospital. Some had it worse where the family would literally just drop of their kids and pick them up when it was time for them to go home. The day she was going back home a counselor approached me along with Lessly’s nurse. Lessly’s very attractive nurse introduced the hospital welfare counselor to me. Leslie had gotten permission from her parents and they agreed it was OK for Lessly to contact me either by email or phone outside of the hospital and Lessly said I already agreed to it as well. The counselor just had to go over some rules before the hospital would allow this to happen. I gave the counselor a questioning look that she didn’t catch but her nurse did. “Ummm Ok”, is all I could say when she was finished. I half laughed at myself thinking how Lessly always gets what she wanted considering I never agreed to this. Her nurse kind of figured it out as well. I wheeled her down to their awaiting car listening to her jabber on about what she was going to do when she got home. The van was a workshop van and I really didn’t think they had much room in the back with all the tools much less thinking the van would make the 2 hour drive back to their home.Lessly made it a point to contact me almost everyday by at least email. When I wasn’t at work she would call me at home to say goodnight. I actually never got tired of her emails because they weren’t the type I expected from an 8 year old girl. They weren’t so girly. In fact, Lessly was kind of a tomboy. I stopped correcting her about her use of bad language with was primarily the word “shit”. I didn’t have much of rebuttal when she pointed out that I cussed all the time. She shared pictures of herself and of her friends on their softball team. I could always pick her out of the crowd because of her big brown eyes. Not even her long black hair could hide them completely. It got to the point my live-in girl friend at the time thought I was cheating on her. After I shared some of Lessly’s letters she left me alone to read them and reply. “I thought you didn’t want kids” she said loudly from the bathroom one night. “I don’t” I replied annoyingly. I smiled and reminded myself that I would see her at her home in about a month for Thanksgiving.I remember staring at the red star next to my name on the white board in PICU. That was a reminder that the person with the star next to their name had an obligation somewhere else in the hospital. I just talked to her last night and she seemed fine. I walked to the respiratory floor first. Lessly’s adopted nurse saw me and before I could ask she told me where Lessly was and warned me she wasn’t very happy. I walked in and wanted to play at being annoyed. I was ready to say. “I thought I already got rid of you”, but when she saw me I could tell she already had been crying, She began to approach me with her hands stretched out way to early as she cried. I scooped her body up, that was tiny for an 8 year old, from the ground and let her cry. As it got louder I closed the door behind me and let her cry for about 10 minutes. During that time her nurse slipped in quietly with a tray of food and my orders for her therapy and medication. I did my best to hold her and go through her doctor’s orders at the same time. I put her down on her bed and used the button on the bed to raise the head of it up so she can rest with her body up. “OK babe. We’ll talk later but lets do your treatments then get some food in you after”. “I’m not doing the treatments and I don’t like the food”, she fought back. The treatments did suck and she had to them 4 times a day for the rest of her life. The food was also awful. I grabbed my portable pulse ox and held her hand as I went to place on her badly painted finger nail. She held onto my hand as the numbers came up, 91% oxygen saturation. I felt her squeeze my hand as she stared at the numbers as well. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and a quivering lip like she did something wrong. “It’s OK baby. We’re gonna take care of this”. She argued again about not wanting her treatment. When I became more insistent she started crying. I remember cupping her face and asking what she wants me to do to try and make everything better. Through her crying I could barely make out the words: McDonald's. I half smiled and said, “agreed”. The hospital had a pretty decent food court that included a McDonald's. We started the therapy. By now she preferred using the mask so she could talk to me. I learned from the nurse that during her softball game today Lessly passed out and was brought to an ER close to her home. She was by herself and the family’s phone had been disconnected so her mother could not be reached until the ER Lessly was at had a police car dispatched to retrieve her mother. They then took the two hour drive via ambulance back to my hospital. Her pulmonologist had written in the notes that Lessly should be removed from any form of sporting activities. I found out last year before I met her they made her quit her soccer team. I shared information with her nurse that her lungs sound more diminished and her oxygen level was 91% (which is short of the 95% mark she had to be). It was going to be a fight for her to wear a nasal cannula.She ended up staying for about 70 days and was able to go home before Christmas. Her parents and siblings only came around once a week and that wasn’t even every week. I watch this little girl slowly slide into depression. I ended up meeting with her pulmonologist, child behavioral specialist and her nurse. Her family was in a bad situation because her father wasn’t finding a lot of work and their van eventually broke down. Her pulmonologist, who I did like because he cussed like a soldier as well, had given the family money to fix it but it would take another month before their mechanic could get to it. Me and her nurse agreed to take turns paying their phone bill and I decided I would pick up some of her siblings every weekend and take them back home on Sunday. The plan was approved by her mother who was very happy to see me when we met at a bus stop not far from their home. I started spending some days off to visit Lessly and I started to bring her food and tomboyish stuff I thought she may like. At first everyone applauded me for my actions. The day before Lessly was to spend Christmas at home without the need for oxygen the pulmonologist, social worker, my boss and a child behavior specialist corned me into a room. They explained to me that I was causing Lessly to become too dependent on me and it would be better if I started sharing my medical responsibilities with another practitioner. The behavior specialist expressed that Leslie saw me more as a father figure than her own father. It was explained to me that this was more than a child crush and that it was dangerous for her to be too codependent on me because I may decide to one day abandon her perhaps not even by choice. I smiled and guaranteed them that would never happen. I admitted that I do love Lessly as if she were my own daughter and I reminded them it was they who paired me with Lessly because they felt me and her would get along well. The conversation became more aggressive and I did my best to reign in my short temper. In the end they threatened to revoke the permission the hospital gave me earlier to contact her outside. By then it was just me and the behavioral specialist arguing with each other. I think I may have frighten her because my boss, that I stood up for that day in the bar, stood quickly from his seat, said my name and pleaded, “Please relax”. I felt my face warming up and clenched fists shaking. I don’t recall when, but I must have stood up at some point and faced my opponent. I can see the concern in the behavioral therapist face. She along with everyone else was somewhat shaken. I walked out and tried to catch my breath. I hope I didn’t say or do anything else stupid. I was suspended for a week while they decided my fate as an employee. I wasn’t allowed to represent myself and they took my badge so I couldn’t enter the hospital grounds again. I did not get any calls or emails from Leslie for the next two weeks.A week past and I heard nothing back from my boss and they would not let me talk to anyone. Before the end of the second week Patrick knocked at my door. Me and him would remain on and off friends to this day. I was surprised he came by. We talked about the CFer he was assigned to by the hospital. We all knew the each CF kid, but the bonds that were strongest were made with the ones we were assigned to. He explained to me how he got too close to his patient who was 16 years old. They spent time playing ball and he even went camping with him and his wife for a weekend. We laughed about how his Make a Wish was to have a WWE (wrestling show) party at Hooters. Every male employee made it. When his CFer passed away he was so broken he couldn’t even give the speech. I remembered being there. The vacation he told everyone he was going on was actually to recover because he was in a state of depression. I apologized and I felt such sadness for him. I watched him tell me his story while he did his best to not start crying. He never made eye contact with me. Those were the tears that parents shed for their dead children. Not the tears of healthcare provider. This program has been barely going on for a year. When he was more composed he requested that I don’t kick his ass when he tells me the news. The hospital was willing to put me on a 6 month probation but I was no longer to be Lessly’s primary. I could feel my face begin to flush and my teeth clenched. I let his words sink in and I relaxed. I can remember trying not to let the water that barely hung to the bottom of my eyes fall down my face. He continued that I would be able to give her treatment so long as no other practitioner was available. I would also be allowed to keep in contact with Lessly as long as her parents approved. I told him I would agree and he went back to his car and returned with a large envelope that held all the stipulations that I had to agree with. I signed and we talked a bit more before Patrick left. I really didn’t need this. I was already dealing with the fights that me and my girlfriend were always having. I would go another week until I was allowed back to work. Everyone knew what happened and everyone actually sided with me. I would see Lessly’s nurse for the first time and she smirked at me approvingly and titled me, “trouble maker”.It would be another 2 years and I was still taking care of Lessly. During that period we had some challenges. Her father at one point got jealous and forbid her to talk to me anymore. It was because I had given her several Christmas presents that sat in her room for her to open on Christmas. Her father couldn’t pay for the nice gifts he wanted for to give her. Lessly’s mother actually stood up for me. I fixed the situation by placing her mother and father’s name as well on the card next to the gifts. Through that time she began to deteriorate. She was 9 years old but weighed as much as a 6 year old. She would eat and eat and eat but her body wouldn’t absorb anything. I looked on the internet and even contacted some military doctors both stateside and in Germany that I knew. My determination was the same determination I had while i was in Special Operations. Deep inside though I could feel myself giving into desperation. She was now spending more time at the hospital and she always had to be on oxygen. When my girlfriend at the time left I wasn’t sad because I had to find a way to save Lessly. She was going on her second month at the hospital when she called me at home. She was excited. I can hear it in her voice and I could picture her jumping on the hospital bed as she told me her good news. Her voice became winded and words spoken needed effort. “The Make a Wish Foundation is going to grant my wish”! I smiled and congratulated her. I knew the foundation representative at our hospital put the sickest children to the head of the priority list because they wanted them to have their wish granted before they passed. I hung up the phone and promised her more chicken nuggets from McDonalds when I worked again. I was happy she couldn’t see me upset.She wanted to make it to her 11th birthday she told me one day. Me and her nurse planned her party that she would have at the hospital. Her pulmonologist arranged for a bus to pick up all her school friends. It would a big surprise for her. I remember the party. I watched her with her mask on talking way too fast with all her friends. She dragged around the oxygen tank effortlessly now. Her father was off to side eating cake and not paying much attention. Her mother stood a bit away and I can see she was fighting back tears. I walked up next to her and we stepped outside the room. I gave her a hug and we both cried. She started to speak to me through her tears. I tried to calm her down but she wouldn’t let me interrupt. After about 4 minutes into her speech her oldest daughter walked out and called out her mother’s name. A few words were passed back and forth between them and I could see the mother getting more annoyed. Marla finally just said in Spanish, “He only speaks English remember?”. Both of us laughed and Lessly’s mother gave me a huge hug and this time the tears were for a different reason.I remember sitting in the same office where I wanted to kill the behavioral therapist. She now sat far enough away from me. We ran into each other several times since that incident but we never said anything to each other. This time she glared at me daring me to challenge her. This was a regular meeting I knew, about Lessly. We were to come up with a plan for her when she returned home until the next time she had to return back to the hospital for her maintenance treatment. Patrick was there with me as well. I was included because I would help train the mother and Lessly’s oldest sister on how to use some of the equipment along with Lessly’s nurse. The pulmonologist started the meeting, “I have spoken with Lessly’s parents and conferred with several other doctors. It is our decision that Lessly should go home on Hospice Care…” He continued speaking but I did not hear anything else. I felt an uncontrollable amount of tears streaming down my face but i had no expression and only felt the numbness for the first time that I would become so familiar with through out the duration of my life. I felt Patrick’s hand on my shoulder. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I just didn’t want to be there anymore. Everyone was right. I got too involved. I got too close. I never wanted kids but I would easily take this girl as my own daughter if she needed someone to raise her. I felt another hand on my shoulder and I grabbed the tissue offered but I never used it. I just sat there crying expressionlessly quietly. The pulmonologist actually stopped and everyone said my name. I looked at all the faces. They were all crying. I was surprised that the behavior specialist was the other person sitting next to me with an arm around my shoulder. She had offered me the tissue. Lessly’s nurse was crying and it seemed like she could barely keep her composure so she stepped out of the room. I seemed so tired. My supervisor let me go home. I let despair, like I never felt before, engulf me as I drove home way above the speed limit in the late evening.I did really good to keep my composure around Lessly. A month had gone by since she was discharged. Me, Patric and her nurse made regular visits. I was proud I was the one that she called every night. I got my usual phone call and she requested I take her shopping. “Of course I said”. I would do anything for her and though some have accepted her fate I foolishly spent long hours into the night trying to find a drug or therapy or procedure or some fucking kind of miracle to buy her more time. I remember that day. I picked her and Marla up from their home and we drove 35 minutes to an address they wanted to shop. I pulled into this shopping center that didn’t seem all that safe. My car stuck out like a sore thumb among the other cars. I told the girls to wait for me in front of the car but stay where I can see them. I went to the back of my car and pulled my gun that I kept hidden under the spare tire and tucked the holster that held my pistol at the 4 o'clock position in my pants. All the writing of every shop was in Spanish. “OK guys, let’s go” as I followed them into a store. I stopped just inside the entrance as the girls rushed forward. I was greeted by a gentleman in a suite. I think he offered his hand to me but I just stood there focusing on not crying again. “Senior”? he asked again. I think he offered me water and then had me sit between the rows of coffins he sold. I heard Marla yell, “He only speaks English”. I remember he started to talk to me in more familiar words. He might have even asked me something. I recall telling him, “Don’t fucking talk to me”. It was the best I could do. He didn’t seem shock. He apologized and said, “I understand” quietly and walked away towards the girls. The family was poor. That much was obvious. The staff has always been good about donating money. Funerals weren’t cheap but usually we could pay for thirty or forty percent of the funeral while the family paid the rest. In Lessly’s family’s case we planned on paying the whole thing. The pulmonologist would be putting in most of the money I volunteered to donate $1,000. Lessly’s nurse matched mine and Patric gave $500. The girls were by themselves as they looked around at the different coffins. It might as well have been a hand grenade Lessly was playing with as fast as I got up and yelled her name as she began to climb into a coffin. I remember picking her up from the inside of the coffin and hugging her while fighting back tears. I felt her whisper into my ear and tell me, “It’s OK” as she patted me on the back. I’ve never cried in front of Lessly. I always tried to remain strong for her. I used to joke that I had my tear ducts removed when I joined the Army. Right now she was much stronger than me. I think this is the first time I realized she has accepted her fate. I was outside the shop leaning against my car when the gentleman that I rudely spoke to earlier came out and handed me a bottle of water. I thanked him and apologized half heatedly. He understood and graciously ushered me back into the shop, “I believe your daughter has chosen a coffin senior”. I replied somewhat embarrassed, “she’s not my daughter”. He stopped with one hand on my shoulder and the other holding the door part way opened and looked straight at me with eyes that had years of experience doing this and said with a very solemn face. “Senior, of course she is your daughter”. I started crying again.The coffin she wanted was pink and gold. Angels were on each side of the coffin. Lessly requested the lining be replaced by a pink one. She didn’t like white because it reminded her of being in the hospital. Lessly didn’t have a second choice. I heard Lessly remark to her sister. “This is the one I want to spend eternity in”. Fuck! I looked at the man scribbling down numbers on a pad. How much I asked with my eyes and not my mouth. He understood. “For this coffin and to replace the lining but I would recommend having it expedited because it will take almost a month for the seamstress to do it and she already has other projects”, he smiled at me for the first time. “For you senior, with delivery $7,300 (I roughly recall the actual price but it was over 7K). My fingers involuntarily reached for my credit card and I handed it to him. I didn’t expect this to be so costly, but you know what? If my Lessly wants this coffin, my Lessly will get this coffin.I spent a lot of time at her house when I could. Sometimes Patrick or Lessly’s nurse would go with me. The family didn’t have air-condition so behavioral specialist purchased one for Lessly’s room and her father installed it. We stayed up later than usual sometimes. We would talk. She asked me a lot of questions about God, death and heaven that I couldn’t answer or I didn’t want to answer because I didn’t want her to share my beliefs. One night she told me she wished I would have been her Dad. I’m glad the lights were already off so she couldn’t see the tears that were brimming around my eyes. I told her that she was very lucky to have her Dad. He wasn’t always around because he had to work all the time to take care of everyone. By her silence I wasn’t sure she agreed with me. “If I ever have a daughter Lessly, I wish she was just like you”, I told her. She began to cry and I held her as long as she would let me. “Are you scared baby”? I asked. Even in the dark her big brown eyes caught the light. No, she nodded. Before I left to go back to my place she made me promise that I would be at her side when she left. I promised I would be there. I don’t know how I did not get pulled over that night. I didn’t take my foot off the accelerator while I was on the highway until I felt my car vibrating violently.She seemed better to me. However, she was now wheelchair bound. I remember taking her and all her siblings to get ice cream. I’ll never do that again. It took both my car and Lessly’s nurse’s to fit everyone in one trip and they were running around out of control. I stood next to Leslie. Me and her laughed watching her nurse try to control them all. I sat at the edge of Lessly’s bed tucking her in later that night. She joked and said I should marry her nurse. We laughed a little bit. Her nurse was outside waiting for me to leave so we both could stop at the gas station. We would both be back here tomorrow for some changes with her IV pump and me for her oxygen concentrator. I stopped checking Lessly’s oxygen saturation 5 days ago. I didn’t want to know. She reminded me about my promise. I smiled at her, “I promise I’ll be here for you” I didn’t have the strength to say “end”. “Remember your promise to me, your suppose to be my Guardian angel from now on”. We both smiled at each other before I turned off the lights. She looked sleepy. I wanted to make sure she got rest.Me and Lessly’s nurse stopped at a 24 hour gas station close to her family’s house. I made friends with the owner and made frequent stops there. Lessly had a collection jar at the counter and the owner even gave her father new tires for free because he understood the financial hardship they were in. As I pumped gas into my car Lessly’s nurse admitted to me that she never thought I was a “Big Softie” with the way I carried myself, cussed and my military mentality. We joked back and forth with each other a bit more. I don’t know who leaned in first but that was the first time I kissed her. We ignored the click of the gas pump handles for about 5 minutes before I told her “Leave your car here. We’re coming back tomorrow anyways. Just come back to my place”. She smiled and agreed. I was so busy with Lessly and work that I never gave myself a chance to be normal for a little bit.I remember waking up and I could hear Lessly’s nurse under my second floor bedroom window on the phone. I went to reach for my phone that wasn’t there. I didn’t think much of it as I probably left it downstairs. I heard her call out from downstairs, “Take a shower”! “That was the plan”, I thought. I noticed a towel that was already wet next to mine so I figured she was ready to go. When I stepped out of the bathroom I heard my neighbors voice. He was a cop and a veteran so we chatted a lot about the good ole days when ever we ran into each other. He’s actually met Lessly before. I greeted him when I went downstairs after I had dressed. He was in uniform. “Hey man. what’s up”? “Hey bro”, he replied in a voice that was softer than usual. He had his sunglasses on and I was wondering is he was here on official business? Then he sniffed the way people sniffed when they are crying. She stepped back into the apartment from the back door holding her phone and mine. She looked at me surprised to see me already downstairs. Tears began flowing from her eyes. I don’t know what happened after that. I remember saying “NO NO NO NO” and then “I promised”, I remember looking for my keys and yelling for them to give them back to me. I remember running upstairs and getting my spare. I remember being outside where my car was parked and a police cruiser blocking my way out. Some other cop was there standing behind my car. I recognized the yellow rim around the taser he was holding. I yelled something I think was more “NO’s” and “I promised”. I remember people trying to stop me. All I can remember clearly was that I had to get to my Lessly.I should have probably went to jail. I know I ultimately became violent to my neighbor and his partner. They calmed me down enough that I was able to sit still and wait for him to change. He drove us with his wife and Lessly’s nurses together in their SUV. He warned me if I did anything to endanger anyone in this car he would not hesitate to shoot me. I believed him but I didn’t care. I was holding a towel around my arm to stop the bleeding. I kind of remember scraping against the concrete. Lessly’s nurse sat in the back with me but I think she was scared of me. I didn’t really care. We got to her family’s house. He drove fast but kept it under control. I stepped out before he put the car in park and I walked quickly to the house. Marla met me before I reached the door. She had been crying all night. Her mother stood at the doorway and we held each other as we both cried. She told me in broken English as I tried to go into the house, “She’s gone. She’s gone”. Her body was already at the morgue. I had broken my promise.I thought I was doing pretty good at the funeral so far. I wasn’t crying but I wouldn’t look into her open casket. Most of the speakers spoke only in Spanish though most of the crowd was a good mix of many people from the hospital as well as parents whose children had CF that knew Lessly. One day I thought, they will have to go through this. The podium was on a raised platform that overlooked the casket but I made a point of not looking at her. Her pulmonologist gave me a slight smile as he made room for me to speak. I remember pulling my speech out of my back pants pocket and placing it on the podium and trying to flatten out the sides. I looked out into crowd and I tried to say the first word. I had to stop to catch my breath. I wanted to say my peace without crying. I tried. And I tried, And I tried. People called my name and said “It’s Ok Joey”. I took a long deep breath for another attempt at speaking but instead My body just walked around the podium and looked down at my Lessly and I lost it. I remember apologizing for breaking my promise. I didn’t care anymore what I may have looked like in front of all these people. I just needed my Lessly to forgive me. Her mother was the first one to help me up and then Lessly’s nurse. They helped me into another room. I don’t remember ever being this devastated before. I would not cry like this again for another 17 years or so. I still had to carry her coffin. I cursed God and I cursed the disease. I’ve stopped praying for myself a long time ago but I figured if I prayed for her he would at least listen. In my desperation, prayer was all I had left and once again he let me down.I apologized to my neighbor and I offered him anything he wanted from my place before the movers got there. He smiled and joked about taking my big screen TV. I looked at him and smiled. “Sure. It’s yours. It’s the least I could do for almost turning your wife into a widow”. We both laughed and argued as we dragged my big screen TV next door to his place. His wife complained that he shouldn’t accept it. After everything was put into storage it was already late into the evening. I looked at some of the pictures I had at my going away party. I tried to say goodbye privately to Lessly’s nurse but I think she was still afraid to be around me alone. I had quit my job after the week break from work they gave me. Everyone was surprised except Lessly’s nurse.I decided I would become a traveling respiratory practitioner working 3 to 6 months assignments through out the United States, Caribbean and Hawaii. I would not stay long enough to build any ties with people. My first job was in Baltimore. I put the picture of Lessly over my tachometer and thought about my girl as I began a new chapter in life. I would travel for 16 years never calling any one place home. After Lessly, I promised never to go to another patient’s funeral. I would break that promise and eventually went to 4 more during those 16 years. Nothing ever hurt me like that day I lost my little girl until quite recently. I never knew I had it in me to care for a child so much. She taught me something about myself and I thought that one day I would like to have a child of my own. Just one. If it’s a girl. I’ll name her Lessly.*I had a feeling this would be a long one. Through the years I kept in touch with Marla. I asked for her permission since her father had passed away and her mother wasn’t doing very well mentally. For about 7 years I always sent Marla flowers to put on Lessly’s grave. Anything but white. Marla finally told me to stop and she promised she would put the ones she always placed and promise to tell Lessly it was from me too. Marla became a nurse. She got married. They are planning to finally have kids. She was worried because she carried the Cystic Fibrosis gene. She told me if it’s a girl. She would name her Leslie. I really like that and I think Lessly would too.Edit: thank you for the kind words. This was a long time ago. I really do not like to name places or organizations. It just avoids complications. All I have left is a single picture, this card from her funeral her mother gave me, a bracelet Lessly made me and a rosary her mother gave me. The most valuable thing I treasure is the memories Lessly gave me. I never thought I would find anyone that I wanted to marry and have a child with. I was excited for this Christmas because I was going to visit my Lessly and I wanted to introduce her to my now ex fiancé. I wanted to tell Lessly that I may have a child after all. It didn’t work out. Another great tragedy in my life and I cried like I cried for my Lessly because of another loss in my life. If your interested it’s here: Joseph Alone's answer to Are you happy? If not, why not?

When I was in my late twenties, I got a new job working in a Home Health Care store. We sold canes, crutches, walkers, wheelchairs and many medical supplies.When I first got the job and was going through training on how to fit patients with many types of medical garments like compression stockings, lymphoedema garments and one more which really scared me…breast prostheses.I was not sure how I could handle fitting women for breast prostheses. I went through the training and was still intimidated.I was not sure how I would be able to handle seeing scars, drainage tubes… I didn't know how I would respond to the emotional issues that could come up.I was scared to do this by myself after training was complete.The first time I had to fit a patient for a prosthesis, I did all the measurements, brought in a few options for my patient to try on. Found the one that best matched her remaining breast and asked her to put her shirt back on and look in the mirror.Her reaction has stayed with me for over 12 years and will remain in my heart for the rest of my life.This woman started to jump up and down with an enormous smile on her face, hugged me, thanked me and told me that I had made her feel whole again.Whenever a woman came in to be fitted for a prosthesis, she was sad, often depressed, intimidated about having to show me her bare chest wall with scars, drains etc. These women were broken; and here I was feeling scared! I had nothing to be scared about, these women had everything to be scared about.After my very first patient was so happy with her prosthesis, I found that this became the best part of my job. How much more rewarding can it be than to have a woman tell you that you have made her feel whole again!This is the best thing I have done in my life.The best thing that ever happened to me was almost nine years ago.It started labour day weekend. My 15 month old daughter had been crawling around when she fell flat on her face. My husband and I found this odd but thought it was only her losing her balance. We also had a 4 month old son at home so it was a busy house with two babies and we did not think much of this.Over the following few weeks we noticed that she never tried to walk anymore (she had started walking at 11 months old) and she would fall on her face when crawling more and more often. A visit to the pediatrician gave us no answers, only an appointment to see a neurologist. Over the few weeks we waited for the appointment with the neurologist, she got worse and the neurologist wouldn't give us any answers only an appointment for an MRI. We live in Canada so this neurologist told us the MRI would be scheduled between 6 weeks to six months from then.She continued to get worse and got to the point where she had trouble falling asleep (normally, she was the easiest baby and slept very well) and she couldn't sit up unassisted anymore. She was also crying a lot.We took her into the children's hospital emergency department and were told that she was anemic and had behavioural issues. She was regressing in her milestones because we had a baby at home who was so young and she was trying to imitate the baby to get more attention.This left a terrible feeling in our hearts and we knew this was not the issue. We ended up having to contact a private health care firm to see if they could help.We got a call close to midnight one evening from a doctor asking if it was too late to call. My husband told him that it was never too late for a doctor to call our house.We went over our daughters symptoms and answered all the questions he had. He told us that he had never met our daughter so he could not be 100% certain but given the symptoms he was quite sure she had a brain tumor. He also told us that he was going to try to facilitate getting an MRI for her at the children's hospital but just in case he couldn't, he was having emergency passports issued for us, we needed to find $250 000 liquid cash, fast, and he was making arrangements at Boston Children's hospital for her to be seen right away in case our local hospital did not accommodate. He also sent a letter to our local children's hospital explaining that they needed to get their acts together to get her an MRI immediately as it was their feduciary responsibility given that they had failed to accurately diagnose her when she saw the neurologist as well as when we brought her into the ER.By this time our daughter had lost all of her milestones and she was like a rag doll. She could not even hold her head up. Her body was completely limp and she was crying (wailing) in pain.Well that letter set everything in motion. We got an appointment right away for an MRI which happened to be my husband’s birthday.When we went to the hospital for the MRI, our daughter was sedated and they took her in. They told us it would take about an hour. An hour and 45 minutes later, we knew they had found something. They brought us in and told us that she had a massive softball sized brain tumor and they would likely operate in a few days. We told them that if they did not do it that day, we were heading to Boston Children's hospital where they were waiting for us. They conferred for a moment and decided they would operate right away. They asked my husband to pick my daughter up and we all went running to the ER to have her admitted and have blood drawn for testing. Then we ran to the operating department where they got her prepped and we kissed her goodbye. THIS WAS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, but it lead to the best thing.The surgery took over 9 hours, we were told to expect 5–6 hours. We waited there in terror. When the neurosurgeon finally came out, he had a huge smile on his face and said “I’m pretty sure I got it all” we hugged him fiercely and waited to be allowed to see our daughter.When we went into the PICU, she was in a bed, full of tubes and machines, wearing only a diaper and she had bags of ice all around her. We were told that she had a very high fever and it needed to be brought down quickly. About a week later she was taken to a step down Unit to begin the recovery process.This was a long process and we had an infant at home that a friend of ours was caring for while we focused on our daughter.Our daughters brain was not draining cerebral spinal fluid on its own so she had an external drain, to drain this fluid from her brain. While the doctor was trying to wean her body off the external drain, her skin was degrading and they moved the drain several times to different areas of her body which meant surgery each time. On one occasion, they moved the drain to her torso and she did not handle it well. After that surgery, her blood pressure dropped so low, they immediately took her to surgery again to move the drain. They finally came to the conclusion that she needed a permanent brain shunt.She had the brain shunt put in and she started recovering again. By the time she was discharged, about a month had passed and she was discharged to the children's rehab hospital. That evening, the nurse said she still had a fever and they were taking no chances so we were sent back to the children's hospital at 11:00pm. We went back and they tapped her shunt and found that her shunt was infected. So she was readmitted the same day as she was discharged and she had surgery again to remove the infected shunt and install a new shunt.It was a long and convoluted recovery with lots of surgeries, infections, Picc line, etc. 75 days after she was first admitted, she was finally discharged again to the rehab hospital to recover. 45 days living in the rehab hospital and I had had enough. I wanted to go home to my baby too, so my daughter was admitted to the day patient program and I drove her to the rehab hospital daily for 6 months.Once our daughter was discharged from the rehab hospital and was put in community based rehab we knew that we were out of the woods. Two years of community rehab and she was almost back to the way she should have been for her age and we were told by her physical therapist that most kids who come in to rehab in the state that she was in, do not make as full of a recovery as she had made.Today, we are approaching 9 years since her brain tumor was removed and she is great. She is a smart, sweet, fun-loving 10 year old girl. You can't even tell she had a brain tumor except for the fact that she is not as steady on her feet as other kids her age. She has an MRI and follow up every year and so far, so good.So there is a whole team of doctors, nurses, therapists and various people including her first Montessori teachers who contributed to the best thing that anyone ever did for me.As much as we had some bad experiences with the neurologist and ER staff who failed to diagnose my daughter, once she was diagnosed her medical team was incredible.And thanks to the Canadian medical system, my daughter received millions of dollars worth of health care and continues with annual MRI’s as well as follow up appointments and we have not paid one extra penny out of pocket except for what we pay in taxes and, we don't have medical insurance.We are very grateful for the Canadian medical system. We donate money to both the children's hospital and the children's rehab hospital every month and if we ever make enough money to make some more serious donations, we will be donating much, much more.

Boredom has a tendency to squelch creativity, leaving you stuck in a rut and staring into space. It can be especially hard to find things to do when you’re stuck inside or bored at home with little resources.If you’re undeniably full of ennui at home and need a little help in jumpstarting a dull day, don’t worry. You can have fun without another person, for the most part. Start with our exhaustive list of things to do when you’re bored out of your gourd.1) Run from zombiesAlternately looking at the four walls of your house can get pretty tiring. Take a walk outside and get some fresh air. If you’d like to do more, go for a short (or long) hike and enjoy nature. If you want added excitement, give the app Zombies, Run! a whirl. It transforms your walk, jog, or run into a mission to save the humanity from a zombie apocalypse.If you prefer to be on wheels, riding a bike or taking a drive around the neighborhood is also a great option.2) See how long you can last in P90XChallenge yourself and see if you can get through a P90X workout. There are quite a few videos you can access through YouTube.If you don’t feel like listening to a trainer, then opt for something simple and accomplish 100 jumping jacks. If you’re feeling energetic, follow it up with a full-on calisthenics workout.3) Clean the houseIf you’ve got carpet, do some vacuuming, and if it’s hardwood, sweep the floor and maybe polish it as well. Make an effort today and ensure that all beds in the house are made up. Do the dishes (or run the dishwasher). Do and fold the laundry. Mow the lawn, and if there’s a layer of snow, shovel it.Make sure you list all your chores using the best to-do list apps on Android (some of them are also available for iOS). Ticking every accomplished task off your queue will give you the satisfaction as well as the drive to do more.You’d be surprised at how much time it takes to get through all the household chores, but you’ll be even more surprised at how productive you’ll feel once you’re done with everything.4) Rearrange your furnitureIt doesn’t have to look perfect right away, and it doesn’t have to follow feng shui (unless that’s important to you), but sometimes all you need is a brand-new view to make a room feel exciting again.You can check YouTube for arrangement how-to videos or Pinterest for design inspiration.5) Give your closet a makeoverSort through your wardrobe and get rid of clothes you haven’t worn in over six months. Organize more efficiently by downloading a wardrobe app like Stylebook.Additionally, pick items you think you can sell and donate the rest to charity. This activity will help you feel good inside as well as create space in your cabinet for new apparel.6) Eat, drink, and be merryPrepare a meal and try a new recipe or reinvent one you already know by heart. If you prefer to use food items you already have on hand, Supercook is a cool website that generates recipes according to what’s already available so you don’t have to go on a supermarket run.Better yet, order food to be delivered to your house. Feel free to splurge!7) Do some gardeningGet down on your knees and feel the earth with your hands. Pull out the weeds and plant some pretty flowers. If it’s too wintery/cold/dreary where you are, do either of the following: Shovel the snow or lay in it and make snow angels.8) Finish a puzzleDo a crossword or try out Sudoku. Try to do both without peaking at the answer page. If you prefer clicking or tapping, download a crossword or Sudoku app on your device for the same effect.9) Reconnect with your inner bookwormRead that novel you’ve always been meaning to read. Plus points if it’s more than 500 pages or is part of a book series.If you prefer to read something completely new, check out Goodreads for some recommendations.10) Get to know the country you live inTry to recreate the U.S. map by drawing it on paper and labeling the states. If you don’t know where the places are located, today seems like a good day like any to find that out. And of course, as always, there’s an app for that.11) Watch something educationalNetflix has a slew of programs you can choose from like Bill Nye the Science Guy or Iron Chef America. (You’d be surprised to know how much you can learn from cooking competition shows.)12) Read the newsPlus points if you read an actual newspaper, but if you don’t have one handy, browsing the Web will do.13) Explore WikipediaYou can learn so many things from the main page alone, but it’d be a lot cooler to use the site’s random page tool. Challenge yourself by reading and clicking the link for at least an hour.14) Shop online for bargainsAmazon and eBay are both quick and easy stops to make for nothing specific, but feel free to check out specialty stores as well for daily deals and special discounts.Check out your favorite brand of clothing, shoes, makeup, gadgets, and whatever else you can think of. You can pretty much buy anything online these days… even fancy cheese!15) Make a list—any listJot down the things you need to buy at the supermarket. Take note of the tasks you need to accomplish each day this week. If you feel like it, stretch out your to-do’s to cover every month of this year. Again, there are apps for that.16) Learn a new skillGo on YouTube and follow a tutorial video of your choosing. Download an app that’ll help you learn something from scratch, like a new language.17) Create a personal websiteDesign it according to your personality. Start a blog. Or better yet, start a vlog.18) Play a gameIf you’re by yourself, choose an online or video game that lets you battle against the computer. If you’re with other people, consider games that let you play in teams and utilize your creativity.19) Improve your Instagram gameLook up a photo a day challenge list online and take photos with your phone. Feel free to download and use Instagram companion apps.20) Take up the art of paper foldingOnce you’ve mastered the basics, try to see if you can pull off more complicated origami (click on “Look Inside”).21) Listen to a podcastIf you’ve neglected to keep up with the times last year and didn’t get on the Serial bandwagon, start with season 1 as soon as possible. Other shows to check out are This American Life, Snap Judgment, and Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Star Talk Radio.22) Watch a classic movie made before you were bornPick one from the American Film Institute’s 100 Greatest American Films of All-Time list or check out our list of the best free movies on YouTube.23) Take a napSometimes, the best solution is the simplest one.24) Create a vision board for the yearUnleash your creativity and create a scrapbook of goals that you can hang on your wall. Use all sorts of coloring materials and old magazines for picture cut-outs.Don’t forget to share it on social media.25) Write, write, writeStart with something easy, like a poem. If you’re musically inclined, try composing a song and singing it out loud. If you’ve got the gift of the quill, create a short story or a play. (The last one is especially recommended if you’ve got people around you to act out the roles.)Having a hard time getting started? Check out writing prompt apps and websites to get the creative juices flowing.26) Go on a chick flick bingeSee how many it takes to make you cry. Check out list of the best romantic comedies on Netflix and the best rom-coms of all time.27) Listen to musicCreate a music playlist or two. Pick multiple themes and have at least 30 songs per mix. Then have a dance party and play your lists on full volume.28) Take a long bubble bathIf you can throw in a face mask and some aromatherapy candles, the better. (This is where an appropriate music playlist would come handy as well.)29) Write handwritten letters to your friendsPractice calligraphy or writing in cursive while you’re at it.30) Embrace your bodyHang out naked in your home for an hour or two. See what it feels like. (You probably shouldn’t take selfies during this time.)31) Pick a TV show to bingeOpt for shows that have already concluded, like Friends, House, Dexter, The Office, or Gilmore Girls.32) Reconnect with an old acquaintancePick a Facebook friend you haven’t spoken to in months and initiate a catch-up chat. If you’re not feeling particularly chatty, cull your Facebook friends list instead and unfriend contacts who haven’t spoken to you in years. (They probably won’t notice and besides, it’ll help make your newsfeed run better.)33) Clean up your Facebook accountWhile you’re cleansing your friends list, go through your old photos and status updates and delete anything incriminating or anything that makes you cringe so it doesn’t show up under the “On This Day” feature.34) Look up your family treeFinding out about scandalous family members from earlier centuries and your ancestry could be fun.35) Bake a bunch of dessertsThen feel absolutely zero guilt over eating all of it by yourself.For a quick and easy source for instant treats, head to YouTube or follow Tip Hero on Facebook.36) Watch funny videos on YouTubeYouTube is a rabbit hole, so expect to blow hours browsing through tons of hilarious clips.37) Write yourself an email to receive in the futureJust do it.38) Sit on your porch with a hot beverage and watch the sunsetTake a moment to meditate and feel the peace and gratitude wash over you.39) Invite people over for a hang-out at your houseNothing beats boredom than having other people to experience it with. Make it an impromptu party and call for a potluck.40) Ride a bikeGoing for a bike ride around our city or neighborhood is a great way to get exercise, fresh air, and maybe discover areas you didn’t know existed. If you don’t own a bike, no need to panic. A lot of cities are now adding bike-sharing programs like B-Cycle.41) Download a dating appDating apps put its users under a spell where they hold on to the hope that maybe the next person they stumble upon will be their soulmate, causing them to continue an endless cycle of swiping left or right. There are many dating apps to download if you are tired of Tinder, and if you want to take it a step further, you can download a hookup app to get straight to the point.42) Go to the farmers marketFarmers markets are typically held on weekends and offer a wide and colorful selection of fresh produce from local farms. It’s nice to know where your food comes from, and buying local produce gives back to the community by supporting local businesses and families.43) Join an intramural sportJoining an intramural sport like volleyball, softball, or soccer has a lot of benefits other than getting exercise without suffering. Intramural sports give people the opportunity to make new friends and possibly meet someone special, so show off those coordinated skills.44) Go to your local coffee shopGet out of your house and head over to a local coffee shop for a cup of cold brew. Reading a book in a bustling shop can be calming for some people, or if you are more the social type, make friends with the local barista and regulars that always chat it up with newcomers.45) Treat yourselfGo to that new restaurant you’ve been craving that opened a few weeks ago. If you don’t feel comfortable sitting alone, you can invite a friend or order the food to-go. Sitting at the bar top is the best option for mingling and meeting new people while pairing a couple drinks with your meal.46) Watch pornIf you haven’t already thought to do this (and odds are, you have) skip the taboo mentality and just watch porn. There are a lot of websites to watch porn on, and a handful of surprising benefits when it comes to doing the deed as well. If you dive deep enough into the archives of different categories of porn, you may be amazed more than impressed.47) Go to a museumDepending on how big a museum is, or if the new exhibit is rich with history, you could spend hours studying every brush stroke and reading every description. Many art and history museums offer free entrance on Sundays and student discounts, but that is unlikely in cities like New York City and Washington, D.C.48) Enroll in a classNow, this may not sound like a “fun” option to some, but when tax season rolls around and you find yourself in a financial rut or are looking to start a business, it may be a good idea to enroll in a finance or an entrepreneur 101 course at your local community college. Or if you’re interested in picking up a new hobby, enroll in an art or music intro class.49) Watch a trilogyNothing kills time like watching all of the Lord of the Ringsmovies or the entire Harry Potter series. Bonus points if you have a day to watch the whole Star Wars timeline in its entirety, including Rogue One.50) Plan a tripPlan out every aspect of a trip to a city you’ve never been to. Sure, traveling is a quick way to escape crushing boredom, but it also helps you grow as a person and take a necessary break, even if you’re just heading to the next town over.51) Learn how to lucid dreamThere’s something to be said for sleeping away your boredom, but what if you took it a step further? There’s a ton of research (professional and amateur) about lucid dreaming, or the state of being able to recognize and control your dreams as you’re in them. Read up and start napping.52) Read some eroticaThe internet is chock-full of sexy stories, and they’re probably more entertaining and time-consuming than your own fantasies. Check out the best erotica sites like Literotica and Reddit for hot submissions. Plus, read up on queer porn and erotica and even BDSM stories.53) Become a relationship expertEven if you’re not actively in a relationship, it’s alwyas interesting to read up on dating theories and best practices. There is no more useful art than the art of breaking up with someone, or actively defining the relationship. By the end of the day, you’ll be spewing psychology at your bae or sending a strategically flirty text to your potential future bae.