Employee Paycheck Sign Off Sheet: Fill & Download for Free

A couple of years ago, I had a job in a hostile work environment.No. Scratch that. A black man catering a Klan rally is a hostile work environment. If Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, and Bill Clinton pitched in together and opened a Hooters, that would be a hostile work environment.This was toxic.My boss created such a toxic work environment that Chernobyl took a step back and said, “Hey, man… That’s a little much.”He didn’t like me. Not because I wasn’t as smart or as skilled as I seemed to be when I was hired, but because the woman he hired me to impress wouldn’t sleep with him after he gave me a job! I did all the work that was required of me, but he still tried everything he could think of to convince me to quit.Now this place had a pretty high turnover rate to begin with. People just didn’t like the guy enough to hang around, even though the checks didn’t bounce. So over a six-month period or so, three of the people I worked with quit.The last to go was his over-worked, under-paid admin assistant, who he eventually assigned to “keep me on-task”. Basically, he didn’t want to deal with me directly anymore so he was making someone else do it.She was great. Very efficient, positive attitude, nice person… But no matter how hard she worked, that became the new minimum. Soon, he was expecting her to hand in ridiculous numbers to justify her paycheck, plus he was still forcing her to be his go-between so he didn’t have to talk to me!She took bereavement leave and never came back.Of course, the boss blamed me. “You’re the reason all these people keep quitting! You’re the reason Tiffany left!”Meh. I was married for 14 years. I got used to taking the blame for stuff.Well, one day when the boss was out, Tiffany showed back up to drop off her keys and pick up her things. So I asked her. “Did you quit because of me?” She thought that was hilarious! So she took a plain sheet of printer paper and in large letters, wrote “Stewart was not the reason I quit!” and signed her name.I thought about giving it to him the day I walked out, but I really didn’t care anymore after that. Sometimes it’s better to leave the past in the past.Sometimes, though, people feel the need to say things they couldn’t say before. They didn’t do an exit interview with me. They didn’t have the intestinal fortitude, really. I could have pointed out several key areas where the owner could improve on a personal level that would have elevated the company, but given his ego, it was simply easier for him to believe that he was the only person that didn’t have a problem.I can tell you what he would do.He would shred the letter without a second thought.And he would keep wondering why he has such a high turnover rate and why his employees rejoice when he’s not around.Open it. Read it with humility. Recognize the need to change, if it exists. You can’t fix that work relationship, but you can fix future ones. Maybe the ex-employee was just a crank, but you won’t know until you read the letter.In other news, I’m totally going to do this the next time I leave a job. Leave a sealed envelope labeled “Now I can tell you what I really think” on my desk, but fill it with a bunch of nice things about my co-workers and work environment…Except for Chad in Accounting. Because screw that guy.

First order of business: DD214When you get your DD214, read that sucker closely. Every box. Every line. It is short. Have whoever hands it to you walk you through the codes. Then double check those codes on your phone before leaving their presence. That is the one and only meaningful proof and measure of your service to 90% of civilians. Do not screw it up.Now that single copy of your DD214 they handed you? It's loniness should scare the shit out of you. If you lose it you must apply to Never Neverland for a copy. That is actually what we call it because you will never, never get one. Some people's records have been utterly destroyed there by accident in the past. I don't know how you unscrew that.So take your lonely copy of your DD214 down to the nearest Kinkos. Treat it like someone handed you a glass vial of nerve gas until then; Don't drop it, don't take any side trips until it is resolved, and for the love of God don't lose it. When you arrive at Kinkos, cough up whatever money they demand and make 1000 copies. Large orders like that are a lot cheaper per copy anyway. Now have 3 of those copies laminated. Immediately, right there in the Kinkos, mail 1 laminated and 10ish unlaminated copies to 2 different relatives in 2 different states. They have mail pickup.Get a BIG handful of notarized copies too. In bulk.Ask around… there may be a notary service somewhere on post cheaper than off. Otherwise just Google it. This idea courtesy of George Thomas (Ted) McNabb.Now, over the next week, make your way to 2 county records offices. They are near the courthouses, or often attached. Pay a small fee to have your DD214 filed there permanently. If you somehow lose all of yours you can now always get a copy from them. Why 2? Sometimes they flood or burn down.You will need a fresh copy of your DD214 for every job, school, professional licence, free meal at Golden Corral, and public benefit you apply for until you die. I assume St. Peter demands one at the Pearly Gates too.OK. So that single sheet of paper is resolved.If you have weeks left, go down to your education office. Be ready to feel like you are cheating. Ask for the tests (at one point they were CLEP) that let you test out of college classes. 3 semester units each. Each such test will save you half a year of 3 hours in class and 3 hours of homework per week. Take every damned one of them, unless the class sounds like fun. (The VA won't pay you to “retake” any fun ones.) Get yourself to 90 semester units total. 3 of your 4 college years. No one will accept more so it is pointless to take them.These tests are free.I have almost never heard of anyone failing one. Even if you do not know the subject matter. Even if (no joke, we tried) you are falling down, risking an Article 15-level drunk. French Literature 1615–1688? Oi! Certified Massage Technician Ethics? This story has a happy ending.Have you ever bought a used car? One that didn't come at an even cheaper price because the owner was a close family member? Do you remember how picky you were about every-damned-thing? Once you give them the money, all those problems are yours right?Pretend your body is that car. When you do your exit physical be picky as hell. If it ever ached, itched, ticked, or stank you need to get it in writing. Everything. Those tiny issues will be big issues someday. Trust me. Half of them will get worse.Were you ever sad? For one day? Just once because your uncle died? Write it down. Make sure the doctor records it permanently. I shit you not. 3 words. “I was sad.” Easy. Something this simple can leave the door open should you turn out to have PTSD, or endocrine issues, or half a dozen other life altering things you totally don't expect now. It is a 10 second conversation that can literally save your life.The VA will only own the issues written on your medical records. That physical is your last chance ever to get those issues recorded. Do not let that doctor leave the room liking you. Make them late for lunch. Record everything.Seal your uniforms up nice and pretty. A vacuum bag is a good choice. You may come to treasure them over the decades even if you feel like you want to ditch them at a GoodWill now. If that doesn't convince you, remember this; You're still in the Army after you leave. You have technically committed yourself to a few years of IRR status. We recalled people after 9/11 and had to (personally on our off-time) scrounge uniforms for people to report in wearing. Don't be that guy.Give the Green-to-Grey class a whirl. It did nothing for me, but you are getting paid no matter what you do. It seemed like it might have value for someone.You have been eating 2500–3500 calories per day if you have not been actively controlling your diet. You may not believe it, but you are an athlete even if you had a desk job.The day after you are discharged all of that changes unless you get in the habit of training for marathons or are employed as a personal trainer. Your body no longer needs about 1/3 of what you have been feeding it.This is made worse by the fact that your metabolism slows as you age. You are not 18 any more. Again, you probably will not be an athlete either.Swing by AAFES and buy a digital scale. It's cheaper there. Keep an eye on your weight. Fat weighs less than muscle, so even if you stay the same weight keep an eye on that waistline or you may find yourself looking 11 months pregnant.A good rule of thumb: If you have to buy a new belt because you outgrew the old one, you're headed for troubleYou can't keep eating like a soldier if you don't keep training like one.When you go to bed the first night after discharge, you have a choice to make. It seems trivial. It is not.Do you set your alarm for your old wakeup time?This will set the tone for the years that follow.Are you going to be a lazy shitbag civilian? Cool. Leave the alarm off. No one is gonna yell at you.Are you going to end up like the main character of Gran Torino? “Get the hell off my lawn!” Set that clock for O-dark-thirty.I recommend O-dark-fourtyfive.There is depth to this. Meditate on it, Padawan.Pick a Veteran’s Service Organization. Today. While it is fresh in your mind. Maybe one that best describes you. Maybe you put all their logos on the wall, blindfold yourself, and throw a dart to decide. There are no wrong answers except The Wounded Warrior Project. Screw those guys.You may think there are people employed by the government to make sure Veterans don’t fall through the cracks. Medical care? Disability payments? Education plans? Record revisions? Burial? You’d be wrong. There are no such government employees. You need a VSO and, often, a personal service representative to call whenever life throws you a curve ball.Sign up before you are discharged. Cough up for a lifetime membership with your last paycheck. You’ll never stop being a veteran, so you’ll always want to be a member. If you get a lifetime membership (which is cheaper), hopefully you will get to forget about them.They will never forget about you.The American LegionThe Veterans of Foreign WarsDisabled American VeteransNon Commissioned Officers AssociationDo not get roped into any job on commission. Right now your resume says “Salary.” If you backslide onto commission even once you will lose that distinction in the eyes of HR managers.Get down to the VA hospital and sign up. Day 2 of being a civilian. No exceptions.I see you starting to protest. Zip it! Ah ah! No arguing on this one. I give no damns here about your politics. Or how great you know your life is going to be. Or how healthy you are. Or how wealthy your job will make you.Get your tail down there within 72 hours. It is your next place of duty. You don't want to be signing up for benefits while bleeding in the Emergency Room lobby.If you sign up, it will always be there for you. Your life will have a backstop. It can only get so bad so long as you have that.Weed > Opiates. That is all.Remember how I was rushing you through college earlier? Now we're gonna do the opposite.Go sign up for college. Even junior college. One class a semseter is fine if it isn't where you want to be. Silly shit like ballroom dance is perfect. It will transition you back to the civilian world by helping you meet actual civilians who are not your high-school buddies.Oh yeah. That reminds me. If you didn't keep up with your high school buddies, don't seek them out. It is depressing. Your life went somewhere. Many of theirs did not. I found that 2 were dead. The worst part was that one of them took me years to find; He died, and none of his friends from high school who lived in the same town even knew he was dead.That chapter of your life has been over for a long time. Don't reopen it if you value your mental health.I'm sure I will have more later, so to be continued…

You have to start with the fact that newspapers do not represent any sort of formalized public “obligation” to publish the news—or anything else. A newspaper owner—whether a small town publisher who prints an eight-page weekly, or a large corporate publishing company that publishes several major national dailies—gets into the business for a blend of reasons, not the least of which is to make a profit. I’ve worked as a photographer, writer, editor, and co-publisher of daily newspapers (small and medium market) and trade magazines (travel and military audiences), and in every instance, with no exceptions, the underlying purpose of those publications was to make money for the publisher and investors, and I was simply an employee doing my part to grow the bottom line.That is not to say that publishers and senior editors don’t care about informing the public—they do. But they don’t wear rose-colored glasses when they are making assignments or when they are signing paychecks to the staff.I can recall being given a photo assignment to cover a press conference held by the governor of the state in which my newspaper was located. My publisher was a staunch, unapologetic Democrat, and the governor a very popular Republican. I was not given any shooting instructions prior to the event—just the assignment to go and take pictures of the governor, which I did. I probably shot two rolls of film—70+ exposures (keep in mind this took place in the 1970s).When I got back to the paper, and the film was processed and contact sheets were provided to my managing editor and the publisher, they chose a very unflattering picture of the governor, one that showed the man with a slightly down-turned mouth, his eyes downcast and averted, his posture hunched forward. From a photographer’s (my) artistic perspective, it was among the 10 worst shots of the two rolls. But, from the publisher’s point of view (political, not artistic), it portrayed the governor as a dark, shady, mean-spirited man, and the reporter who accompanied me had fashioned a story about the press conference that was skewed left by including some elements of what the governor said, and left out what I thought was more balanced context.Competing newspapers in the state published their own versions of the press conference, and, not surprisingly, there were differing headlines, stories, and pictures all across the board.Fast forward fifteen years, and you’d find me writing guest columns for USA Today—mostly light, family-fare pieces between 1987 and 1993, but also some commentary on gun-control, government regulations, the state of education and the military and veterans. I was not on the staff, but I wrote for the paper consistently for more than five years, racking up quite a few columns. I was not always successful when pitching a column to the USA Today editorial page editors who had to sign off on my work. Sometimes my column idea overreached the paper’s editorial political angle and my submission would be spiked and I’d get a phone call from my editor letting me know not to expect to see that piece in the next day’s paper.On the other hand, there were times when my editor would ask me to take a specific counter-point position to another columnist as a way of encouraging reader debate over some topic or other. And a few times, when USA Today columnist were invited to debate on late-night talk-radio around the country, I’d be asked to face off against a colleague whose political views differed from mine. It made for good mid-USA radio, though it was sometimes difficult to defend a position I was noted for arguing against. That’s just the nature of the news industry—drumming up subscribers and advertisers, courting other media influencers, polishing some political apples while slicing up others.With respect to choosing which letters-to-the-editors to include and which to reject, it is no secret in the print news business that conflict and contrariness make for good reading. As a news narrator—recording stories and editorials from the Washington Post on a weekly basis—I get to read tons of letters-to-the-editor from Post readers who vent their displeasure at the Post’s decisions to run one story over another, or to cut certain comic strips from the comics’ section, or to skewer some government official, or to point out typos and grammatical errors. In all the years I’ve been narrating such letters, I’ve come to see a general balance of choice by the letters-page editors, though if pushed to say whether the balance leans a little one way or the other, I’d probably say the scale tips slightly to the left, but not much.On the matter of what cartoon strips to include or exclude—or where to place a cartoon strip—that is very carefully thought-out process in the publisher’s and the senior editors’ offices. The popular strip, Doonesbury, by Garry Trudeau, has been the target of a lot of editorial hand-wringing and reader angst for years. In 1985, and again in 2012, Trudeau took on the issue of abortion rights in his trademark full-liberal-attack-dog style, and the resulting furors between the left and right media were epic. It was as if Trudeau had left a pile of dog poop in the middle of the public stage and no one had a poop bag or scooper big enough to get rid of the pile. Some publishers pulled the strip; some editors took the strip away from the comic pages and placed it in the editorial section; some papers temporarily substituted other cartoons.Trudeau wasn’t the first cartoonist to face the public’s wrath or the editor’s spike; Walt Kelly, the genius behind what I consider to be the nation’s first serial political cartoon strip, Pogo, used his talent and stinging wit to take on the political swamp (the strip was based in a swamp) and create lovable and despicable characters drawn from the McCarthy era and the Cold War. One of the most enduring quotes from Pogo is, “We have met the enemy and he is us!”Here is a snippet from the Albany Times-Union story on Pogo’s legacy:“Simple J. Malarkey was an obvious send up of none-other than the notorious Red-Baiting Senator Joe McCarthy. The gun-toting bobcat quickly spread havoc in the swamp, accusing everybody who disagreed with him of treason. When the Deacon objects to Malarkey’s appointing himself leader of the Bonfire Boys and demands that leadership be put to a vote, Malarkey replies that his gun contains four or five votes and that they’re all for him.“The public outcry was immediate. It should be noted that Kelly was satirizing McCarthy at the height of the Wisconsin Senator’s power, some time before Edward R. Murrow famously spoke out against him and before McCarthy was asked if “had no sense of decency” during the Army-McCarthy hearings. Several newspapers threatened to drop the strip, with a Providence, RI paper specifically threatening to do so if Malarkey’s face was ever shown in the strip again.[my italics] Kelly complied by having Malarkey put a bag over his head (which resembled nothing so much as a Klansman’s hood, twisting the knife when the Rhode Island paper had clearly intended to blunt the satire). Eventually, Malarkey departed, chasing Mole into the swamp after having been covered in tar. The final images of the tar-covered Malarkey (whose white eyes were his only visible facial feature) advancing on Mole with an axe are among the most chilling depictions in daily strips.”This has been a very long (but still truncated) answer to Ken Fishkin’s question, but there is no simple answer; the decisions to include or exclude content from editorial pages, letters-to-the-editor, editorial cartoons (and cartoons with editorial content) are not formed in a vacuum, nor are they decided solely based on the publication’s financial projections, though, admittedly, the bottom line is always a component of the decision-making process. A publisher has every right to do the hokey pokey with his or her newspaper (put the right view in, take the right view out, put the left view in, take the left view out, etc.) in order to: a) make money; b) inform the public; c) express political and/or social opinion. There is a balancing of priorities that happens with every editorial board meeting, and while most senior editors will tell you that their primary goal is to make sure the public is informed and entertained, they know what they signed up for when they joined their respective publications.In my experience over 50 years of working as a news journalist and opinion writer, I’ve found most publishers do keep at an arm’s length from their editors’ decision-making processes, intervening only when a decision is made to throw support behind candidates, take on major national or local policies, express specific opinions about world affairs, etc. At those points in the process, some cartoonists, some letter writers, and some columnists will not have a seat on the train.