Healing Separation: Fill & Download for Free

I remember on the day of my divorce, when I arrived back home, I mentioned something about my horrible, traumatic marriage and my brother scolded me: “That’s all in the past now; you have to turn a new leaf and stop thinking about it.” That was 25 years ago and I haven’t forgiven my brother for it yet. In fact, it made me start to realize who he really is.It’s like telling you to “get over it” about an accident you just had, when you’re lying in hospital all bandaged and your wounds are only starting to heal. Separation is not the end of it. It is only the beginning of your healing. There are tough times ahead, maybe even years. I raged and grieved for about 2 years. Whoever doesn’t understand, shouldn’t be in your circle at this difficult stage (and maybe neither in your future).

As is the case with any conflict, you have to know what you are willing to tolerate, and what you will not. Then, what price will you pay if you are not wiling to tolerate it any more. Are you willing to leave? That’s kind of the end game isn’t it? If you aren’t willing to leave - then really, she isn’t going to stop. If you threaten it, you have to be willing to do it.Verbal abuse is an attack that is much harder to get rid of that physical abuse - not that either is acceptable. The damage it does to a person can last a liftetime, well after a physical wound would be healed. It does not sound like your wife is a good person. Nobody should tolerate being abused. You should react. It isn’t OK. It will be uncomfortable for her - but right now, it’s uncomfortable for you too.My advice is that you should be prepared to leave her. I didn’t say prepare to leave her, I said be prepared to … Then, explain that you are not willing to tolerate her abuse, and that she needs to consider if you are actually important to her. Why would you want to stay with someone if you weren’t? If you have somewhere you can go - friends perhaps - tell her that next time she abuses you, you are going to separate for a time - two weeks perhaps - to let her reflect and to give you some separation from the abuse.When I had problems with my long term partner - and we are talking problems over a 10 year period, I initiated a ‘healing separation’ where I moved out, into a unit around the corner from our family home. It gave me separation from the things that were broken, and helped her understand I would not continue in a relationship where I was not valued, or where I was put down. I returned after two years, and our relationship has been considerably better. Look up details for a ‘healing separation’ and see if it would work. My partner, incidentally, is a good person. If your partner is not, then there is no point trying to heal.

All relationships have difficult times. For me, I drew the line when I heard my partner put me down in front of our youngest son (who was 17 at the time, still living at home), telling him that I was responsible for the problems in our relationship. I don’t believe in burdening children with adult problems, or coopting children into taking sides.I asked for a healing separation, which would give us time to sort out our differences. When we separated, my son even called me an arsehole. I said I was sorry he felt that way, but that I wouldn’t be giving my side of the story because that was between me and his mother.We separated for 2 years, always with the view of sorting things out. I chose to move out, and continued to support my partner and children financially, but created structures that would show that what was being said wasn’t true. The separation showed my partner, and my son, that the problems existed whether I was there or not, and that it was unfair to use me as a scapegoat for issues I had no control or say over.Since returning to the family home four years ago, my relationship with my son has strengthened. He told me the other day that I am the only person he feels comfortable talking with, because I am so accepting of him. My partner has come to terms with the fact that the blame she was projecting didn’t belong with me. It’s not perfect, but I’d recommend a healing separation to anyone who is being manipulated in a relationship.