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Yes, on my wedding day.Leading up to it, the signs were there… How he wanted to move in shy within a year of dating because its cheaper. How he went dutch on everything, despite making 4xs my income and had way more expensive tastes. When I met him, I had just switched fields due to the economic downturn and thus was starting over. And he is 5 yrs older. So you adjust and adapt but we had WAY different lifestyles. I wasn’t used to going out every night on the weekends AND eating out every meal! LOL I was SO poor back then - as in I lived on bagels and jam for lunch just to stretch a dollar. Starbucks was a treat for me.So I tried so hard for him to change his mind about the dutch part. Because it didn’t take a math genius to see that going out - bar hopping, hitting the clubs, eating out literally Fri night to Sun night adds up quickly. Said it wasn’t fair - look at what Oprah and Susie Ormand said - he called them American stupidity. That if I wanted us to be together - this is how it had to be. He wouldn’t budge. I thought he moved in because he wanted to be with me. I didn’t realize til later it was more of a financial decision than anything else, plus I had the cheaper rent (smaller space but better location). And living together was his idea, not mine.Then the engagement ring. SMH, I almost bought my own. Why? Because despite having a healthy 6 figures in savings AND making 6 figures, he was pissed my ring would cost close to $5k. He said I should be happy with a piece of string. That scoring him was gift enough. I do realize it’s not about the ring but I was a bit crushed. He was absolutely pissed how much engagement rings cost.After we agreed that we would one day marry, we went to a jewelry store on Union to check out the prices - some simple nondescript tiny store - not one of the high end ones further down the street. We walked in and he immediately went off as soon as he saw the price. I didn’t even touch a ring. He literally picked up a random one and just let out a bunch of expletives at the store. In front of everyone. I couldn’t help it - my eyes immediately watered. The female SA closest to me - looked at me and gently said “Don’t worry - whatever you get will be beautiful….” I flashed her a small brave smile and said thank you and walked out. My then BF already stormed out before me. My eyes water remembering this. We never went back to any jewelry store again. Not after that incident. He called them all crooks. Said the markup was crazy and did I realize these were all blood diamonds? That I’m responsible for all these poor people dying in Africa by wanting a ring. We eventually got my ring from some random website and even that was contentious. That’s why I almost bought my own. My GF talked me out of purchasing it. She practically begged me.. said I’d one day regret it.So after many tears and lots of yelling, I finally got my ring. Which was a lot less from whatever he saw in the jewelry store. Forgot how much that was.. that instigated the shytstorm. $7k maybe? I don’t remember the price exactly, just his reaction.So when my new fiance gave me my engagement ring, he literally said I better like it cuz that’s the first and last time he would ever get me jewelry. And he was right. When I later told another gf, she said “Oh he’s just kidding..” Nope. For the next 9 yrs, nada.So I wore that ring only on the weekends because I was absolutely paranoid I might damage it in some way or worse yet, lose it. I realize these are material possession but I could not possibly lose the only piece of jewelry my husband gave me. Even took out a separate jewelry insurance policy for good measure. So I’d wear it only on Fridays - to celebrate the end of the workweek - and weekends.This man took frugality to a whole new level. One Christmas his present to me was a toothbrush. Another year, chocolate covered pretzels. They weren’t gag gifts but actual gifts from a corporate controller. Whereas as I would buy him a nice fancy smancy cake from a high end bakery, take him out to dinner at one of the top restaurants in the City, give him a separate thoughtful present all nicely wrapped… in addition to celebrating his name day! All this while being an analyst… (starting over from another field, remember? - you start from the bottom). He so L-O-V-E-D his birthdays.. in addition to his name days. And let’s not forget Christmas.I was just hurt and naturally complained at first. He replied “You know.. I just can’t be bothered.” If it literally wasn’t in Walgreens AND on the way home (his 15 min commute via his personal motor transport after an 8 hour workday), he’s not getting it. I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss for words. Am I being unreasonable because I wanted to see him try to do something thoughtful? I tried to reason with him and suggested “Please just get me a bouquet of flowers”. I realize it’s the thought that counts but seriously?! It’s almost like he didn’t care and for him to say he couldn’t be bothered just made it SO much worse.For the record - there was nothing wrong with my teeth. My mouth didn’t stank. And no, I don’t have a sweet tooth. He did. He knew this and ended up eating half of the chocolate pretzels himself. The other half, I brought to work and gave to my contractor who was mortified to find out that this was my gift. I remember her eyes looking up at me with pity and go “Oh honey..”Just so, we’re clear - aside from suggesting flowers and wanting a new Ering, I never asked for anything. I knew better. The ENTIRE time I was with him. And being really more of the independent sort, I knew if there was anything I wanted, I’d just get it myself. Kinda how I was raised. Thankfully I could afford to do so. But I wanted something that was heartfelt and thoughtful. To show that he cared, thought of me and my interests. But I digress…He later told me he was SO close to buying me this used engagement ring from Craigslist but knew I would NEVER forgive him if I found out. I just wanted it to be new. Is that so hard to ask? Plus I was “silly” because I believed in something called karma… I cant help it. Due to my heritage, I get the ebijeebis around vintage and used.His wedding band was $4,500. A thick heavy platinum band that I bought after we visited 5 jewelry stores all throughout the City — Tiffanys, Cartier, other high end boutiques… It came from one of the latter. I didn’t have 6 figures saved up at the time as I was still building up my career and well a lot younger than him. But silly me thought: its ok, this is for my husband.Funny enough - He wore his wedding band only during the week. Complained it was heavy, in the way and NEVER wore it on the weekends. Years later he hinted on an upgrade. As a nice anniversary gift. He wanted a different ring. Jesus. I would be decapitated if I did the same. Not that I wanted to… I was perfectly happy with the one I had.And so I paid for our wedding to help make up for the “sting” of buying my $5k engagement ring. The wedding cost $10k. At the time, my take home was $65k pretax. I realized nowadays it may not sound like a lot to some but back then, it’s decent money - especially if you’re starting over. He had a field day - wanted the most expensive dessert on the menu. I mentally blocked out how much that champagne cake costs… by the slice! When I saw the nearly 3 digit price tag and went “Really?!”, he just pointedly glanced at my ring finger. *sigh* For dinner, he chose the most expensive food and drink options. I gave up. Its our wedding day - supposedly the happiest day of your life - outside of the birth of your own kids, or something along those lines. So I gave in and just watched the bottom line - downgraded the flowers and nonsensical items to help the overall total stay affordable.And sadly, on our wedding day, I realized for the first time I looked “decent”. Prior to this day, I never realized… and honestly thought this whole ENTIRE time, people (as in guys) only liked me because of my personality. Because I was funny, had a wry sense of humor. An eternal ugly duckling if you will. Partly because I am a unique mix and also because I don’t look like your standard or western definition of beauty.I also never wore makeup aside from lipstick before. Never knew how nor ever bothered. Tomboy childhood. And so the makeup artist was instructed to be sparing in her application as the venue was muggy and hot. I didn’t even do a trial run beforehand. Just winged it the day of. LOL my gfs were HORRIFIED! Thought I was bananas because not only was I axing the rehearsal but also a trial makeup run?! I just shrugged and said it will be fine…Afterwards, everyone (except my husband) tripped out. No one had seen me in makeup before. Even the priest made a comment.I remember right before I was to walk down, I suddenly had a super bad feeling. Like extreme cold feet… as in my hands were suddenly trembling. I told my best friend who was supposed to walk me down. He got upset and complained everyone flew here to see me wed. Said it’s just nerves, that my new husband to be is just fine. That he’s a good guy. Oh he SO didnt know cuz you keep your shyt private, right? So we went through with it. Btw, I never have panic attacks before or since. And my BFF changed his mind the following year.Afterwards, I asked my now husband what he thought of my appearance. Because it’s our wedding day and for the first time of my life, I felt pretty. He looked at me quizzically and said I looked just “ok”, nothing special. My heart sunk. I know this may sound funny but internally I was devastated. The men who are reading this may not get it but the women do… It still breaks my heart whenever I think about it. For the first and probably last time I ever felt pretty — he couldn’t even lie. I knew THEN my marriage was doomed. Being cheap towards me and going out a lot is one thing. This… c’mon. It’s our wedding day.The honeymoon? Well besides the standard daily lay, he would take off and explore the island on his own. I was left by myself in the hotel room. We felt like strangers. This was our honeymoon. Aren’t we supposed to be inseparable each and every day? On the honeymoon at least? It wasn’t that long. Some friends who were also staying nearby, invited me to hang with them. So I asked if I could since well I was alone for most of the day… my new husband said no. He rather I spent the afternoon by myself vs doing something fun like snorkeling. I was not to leave the grounds while he went off on a rental car, exploring volcanoes, etc. The area was super safe so it wasn’t that. So instead, I amused myself by walking around the path by the hotel, sitting poolside but mostly spent it indoors. It felt weird being on our honeymoon by myself - surrounded by all these happy couples and families. I stopped hanging out by the pool because seeing everyone so happy and relaxed just made me feel terribly lonely.We probably shared only one meal daily. He accompanied me to the pool once but quickly got bored. It irritated him that I knew how to swim. Complained that my style was too graceful and that it was obvious I was taught. Well shyt, he knew I used to swim competitively. And he HATED that brunch was $50 for both of us. Complained every friggin morning of the 4 day honeymoon about this. For you see, he had to pay for the honeymoon and resented that. Btw it cost way less than the wedding.I distinctly remember when it was time to check out, I thanked the staff for such a great time because well let’s face it - hotel on a Hawaiian island is AMAZING… So I cheerfully suggested “Maybe we can return on our 10 yr anniversary…” He shot me a dirty look. I went “Um, 20 yr?” My new husband looked at me and said with a straight face “Don’t count on it.” In front of the staff!! This after he told me the day before that he LOVED how they catered to his every whim, how they addressed him with respect, knew his name EACH time he asked for a car, etc. SMH. I was so embarrassed and felt bad for the staff. I knew he was cheap but geez.And yes, he is a horrible tipper. Detested each time he had to leave a tip… anywhere. I was always slipping in dollars to make up for the difference. He HATED tipping. Called it an American Ponzi scheme. How he can be so cruel to anyone (outside a bartender) is beyond me. I still don’t get it.This farce of a marriage somehow lasted 8 yrs. Probably because we were old fashioned and foolishly believed marriage is forever. And no one is perfect, right? No one we knew on either side were divorced. In the beginning, he was happy because he felt that he got more respect from others now that he's married. Even told me so the first week after the honeymoon. How the CEO of his company patted him on the back now that he’s married and offered him a cigar. That he was a big man now and puffed his chest with pride.For our first year anniversary, he went into Tiffanys, looked at the salesperson and said “Where's your cheap shyt?” He told me this story with glee afterwards. I never asked for Tiffanys and stupidly got excited when I saw the small light blue box. I never dreamed of owning anything from there. I remember feeling bad because I didn’t know we were supposed to exchange gifts on wedding anniversaries so I didn’t get him anything and was unprepared.My eyes bugged out and went wow because here is my normally frugal (to me) husband with a small light blue box?? I was already happy because we took a trip (NY for the weekend - his idea.) I thought the trip itself was the “gift/celebration” as it was paid from our joint account. Plus I’ve never been to NY before so I definitely wasn’t expecting a gift too. He said calm down cuz its worthless. My smile faltered a bit before opening the box. I looked up at him before pulling apart the bow. Maybe he was kidding? Nope, it was a key chain. He thought the whole thing was funny. I think he saw the expression on my face, felt bad for a sec, and so cushioned the blow by suggesting I could have it engraved. I paid for the engraving. In retrospect, I believe that was the only time he purchased me an anniversary gift. No, I never asked for one. Would you after that?Years later we drove to Tahoe for the weekend (also his idea) for our 5 yr anniversary but didn’t celebrate any others before or after. Which is fine. Stayed a lovely motel which ended up looking like a porn-set unbeknownst to us. LOL the online travel review site was a bit off.We never had any kids because he wouldn’t agree to accompany me to the hospital. Even if I gave birth to our biological children. I said he didn’t have to cut the cord, just hold my hand. They would put up a sheet. He wouldn’t have to see anything. He could even wear noise cancelling headphones. He said no. I even tried “How about the waiting room”. Firm no. “Parking lot?” Still no. He explained that in his village, the men don’t go to the hospitals. When I later learned that you can actually DIE from childbirth (this was news to me) and told him, he still didn’t care. He would not accompany me to the hospital period. His ideal plan was for me to stay home with the child while paying for half of the living costs out of my savings. But the medical expenses of the birth - that would come of out my own pocket. My body, my money.That probably explains why I was never on his health plan. Ever. It didn’t matter who had what coverage or if I had coverage. Or if my company that I worked for even had adequate benefits. In his eyes, I’m an adult so I can take care of myself. A good friend later joked post divorce “He must have missed the part where the priest said.. in sickness and in health.”I’ll give him this. He is a man of his word. He never came with me to the hospital. No matter what injury I had. The entire time we were together. I went to the ER 5xs throughout that marriage. Each time alone.One night I woke up with kidney stones. At 3 am. It stemmed from a UTI that went untreated. I knew something was wrong when I started to develop a high grade fever and was literally dripping in sweat - my whole body- earlier that day. He told me to stop whining, that I’ll be fine… it was just a fever. Don’t be a wimp. I’m normally not a whiner and have a high threshold for physical pain. For example: I once accidentally slipped, broke my tailbone and didn’t flinch nor shed a tear.But I looked like someone threw a bucket of water on me. No, I don’t normally get a fever that way. Later that evening, I woke up in searing pain and realized that I couldn’t lift my leg. Crap - I REALLY had to go to the ER. He woke up momentarily as I shook him and told him the news. He rolled over, waved, said “be safe, get better” and went back to sleep. I was in so much pain I almost couldn’t switch from my pajamas pants to jeans or sweats because I couldn’t lift my leg. I whimpered in pain as the sympathetic cab driver tried to avoid the pot holes en route to the hospital which was only 5 min away. They did an MRI, found the stones, and had to give me morphine for the pain. I hardly ever take Advil and to this day, that was the most physical pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I was at the hospital from 3AM - 1 pm. He never once called to check on me or see where I was. I went to and from the hospital alone.I don’t know why I stayed. Probably because I felt it was my duty to be a “good wife”. Probably because I didn’t want to be a statistic and just “give up”. When I later developed a temporary debilitating autoimmune disease, he was pissed off. He was very angry, he got stuck with a sick wife. Joked that I just laid there looking like a corpse - even dubbed me “Bernie”. He didn’t know when he initially met me, that I would one day be like this… even if it’s temporary. The condition is treatable with daily meds and if you met me, you would never know I had this. I was back to normal in no time. It didn’t matter. To him, I was “broken”. It was almost like he felt jilted. No, I’m not a mail order bride.The only thing he liked about me is that I seemed to age well. He made this comment about you need to see the woman’s mother before locking it down.One time I developed benign cysts which required surgery. The nurses almost didn’t discharge me because he was such an azz. He showed up an hour early before my surgery was over and exclaimed “Where is she? I need to go back to work!” I would have taken a cab home if I could.. by myself.. but the doctors were quite adamant - someone needed to pick me up. Otherwise they wouldn’t discharge me. Id be too woozy from the drugs they gave me to knock me out before the surgery. He was irritated that he had to wake up early to pick up his wife from the hospital. He was hoping that the surgeons would be finished early so that I wouldn’t inconvenience him too much.When I came to, I found him with a bouquet of flowers and thought “Aww, how sweet.” He complained that the nurses were being mean to him and how they made him buy flowers for me in his spare time. Lol I did notice several stink eyes directed his way on our way out. He dumped me at home, instructed my dog to care for me and went to work. Thank God for the medication. I slept most of the afternoon with my dog by my side for company but felt utterly alone. He wasn’t there for me emotionally at all, much less physically.He never answered his phone. Even yelled when one day, I accidentally split open my chin in yoga. I felt strong that morning and so was going for that pose where you balance your body on your elbows. Well since it was my first time attempting it and apparently not the best at balancing oneself - Bam, down I suddenly crashed. Chin plant smackaroo on their lovely bamboo floors. It didn’t hurt really. I was more embarrassed than anything else. The sweet yoga instructor was quite worried. As I drew the towel away from my chin, blood literally gushed like a mini-geyser. Crap.I immediately went home and showed my husband as I dumped my yoga bag. He was so mad… Yelled how could I have been so stupid while he played with the dog. I looked at him and immediately left because the blood was literally shooting from my chin. I hoped the bleeding would stop if I applied pressure. No such luck. It was the first time I ever received stitches (outside of the aforementioned surgery). I remember when they told me I needed stitches in the ER, I thought for a second - Dmn, maybe my husband was right. I was worried… I never had stitches before. Well not awake at least. It was on my chin too! That I REALLY messed up this time. I remember the tech reassuring me that he would try his best to ensure there wouldn’t be much of a scar. That this isn’t his first time and he squeezed my hand for comfort. Then the “funny” part came where I needed an emergency contact - for stitches! My best friend had to be my emergency contact because my own husband didn’t give a dmn. He never answered his phone to begin with so how can he be an emergency contact?My BFF picked me up from the hospital. And we immediately went to lunch afterwards. Over the meal, he told me how messed up this situation is. That I had a husband but HE was my emergency contact?! My BFF told me loved me (as a friend) but this was totally messed up. I never tried that yoga move again.Everything always had to be my husband’s way. Fly to see his family in Europe vs visiting mine in Asia. His attitude towards me got worse as the marriage progressed and my career took off. And the gap btwn our two wages diminished.I started to notice that he began rolling his eyes at me daily. When I said something, he said I was being overly sensitive. That he wasn’t being disrespectful and that it was just my imagination. “Dont act like a stupid American”.He began hanging out at bars to watch soccer. He got mad at me because I didn’t embrace the sport. Said I was being close minded. I’ve never watched a game prior to meeting him. I grew up playing a variety of sports but knew nothing of soccer. So being the ever supportive wife, I went to two live games. Plus accompanied him to the pub after work two other times. I was exhausted, especially after a long day but thought it was my wifely duty to be a good sport. Forget the fact that I can’t drink beer (gluten allergy). He later complained I didn’t stay long enough, said I didn’t give it a real chance. Huh? I stayed at least 2 hours each time. Everyone was nice but when they’re plastered and you’re tired & sober.. It just wasn’t my thing. First he was happy he discovered a passion but later it translated to I’m a bad wife because I didn’t embrace that sport like he did. Futbol still isn’t my thing.We no longer did things as a couple. I really don’t remember when we stopped. Probably soon after the wedding. He was only around me on the weekends, usually in the evenings, after a few bottles of wine and for his customary lay. During the mornings and afternoons, he was at the pub - watching a game. I didn’t even know that men cared about female orgasm until after this marriage!He soon hated all my friends. They never did or said anything ill towards him. He just resented the fact that they became successful or had some positive attribute. He even spoke ill of my gf who is a social worker and occasionally depended on welfare to make ends meet. She is a single mom and a divorcee. He even gave me grief whenever my only godchild paid a visit. It didn’t matter that he lived overseas or at the East Coast. Partly because he couldn’t stand that the child was half Russian and also because the parents went from food stamps to actually a comfortable life, not rich but comfortable.I felt horrid. I loved my godson. Still do. And at the time, our friends hardly had any kids and I love children. This little precocious blond tote was the closest thing Id ever have to my own child. I took my godmother responsibilities quite seriously and spoiled him rotten. Years later… his parents told me the darling thing thought I was blood.My husband even complained when it was time to buy a house. Said that he couldn’t be bothered with home inspection, that he was stressed out by his own job, etc. So I agreed to deal with the real estate agent, inspection, letter, escrow, you name it. At the time I was running 5 multi-million dollar global projects simultaneously.. with various sized teams all over the world. LOL what’s one more project? He was a corporate controller for a small insurance company which despite its minute and simple operation… generated gross amounts of revenue. Even my husband admitted something was a bit shady about the insane fortune that was amassed so quickly yet so easily?! His most complicated task was closing the books at month end. This insurance company had 20 total employees and he didn’t have anyone reporting to him. My developers were horrified when I later told them that I climbed onto the roof w/ the house inspector. They all went “Where is your husband?!”Then probably not surprisingly soon after we bought the house, he snapped. Everything quickly unraveled. More like free falled. He became physically violent. Threw his first punch… sober. Which immediately sent me to marriage therapy the very next day. I tried to get him to go with me. He wouldn’t because he said I was the problem… I’m the one that needed help, not him. That if I behaved like a wife is supposed to - he wouldn’t be so angry.WTH did I do wrong? I worked, made a great income, did laundry, cooked, ran daily, provided sex twice a week, was respectful to his parents and friends, made sure the bills were paid on time, balanced the joint, remembered everyone’s bdays & got them gifts, bought the groceries, took care of the dog, learned the rudimentary basics of his native tongue, befriended everyone… Where did I eff up?! I don’t dress flashy, heck I hardly wore makeup. Yea, I wasn’t the best at house cleaning but certainly wasnt a pigsty. I’m generally neat but clean once every few weeks vs every week. Basically, whenever I’d start to see dust or something on the floor. He KNEW this about me.We divorced after the second and catastrophically worse violent encounter… also sober. We didn’t have any financial problems nor did he do drugs. He stopped all that recreational crap before we dated. We put half down on a nice house in a good part of SF and had a very comfortable mortgage that can be achieved with one income plus some money in the bank.At first he didn’t want to divorce me. Said what would people think of him. He was incredibly worried because it would be painfully obvious to ANYONE that something went terribly awry. Why would this petite Asian woman divorce this 6′2, 185 lb European.. after so many years.. when no one cheated… and it’s accelerated. Why was I running away from him, especially given that we just bought this expensive home and spent all that money. No, I’m not the fraidy type… but in this situation, I was terrified. With our weight disparity, he could easily kill me. I wanted the hell out. I didn’t care anymore. He felt SO sorry for himself. Said that he would be a pathetic human being with nothing to show, all alone on an apt, 43 and alone. Woe is him. That I was the one who gave up on the marriage. That I’m the bad one.Years later, I learned that my coworkers and friends suspected something was up. Everyone saw me lose weight. They could see it in my eyes. Something was wrong but I never said anything. Took it on the chin (no pun intended). Instead I became increasingly gaunt. I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter… It went from mid back to a pixie. I didn’t smoke, never did drugs and only drank on social occasion.. which was quite rare. I needed a release. Getting inked wasn’t an option. So my poor hair took the brute of it all, not to mention my body.So I made him an offer I knew he couldn’t refuse. I had to outsmart him to get him to sign the papers. What did he love more than anything else in the world… Money. Keep everything. Let me go. Keep the house, the car and everything in it. Just let me go. He immediately said yes. He almost went after my handbags (that I bought myself..out of spite) but later changed his mind. And so I got my freedom. My lawyer was pissed. He wanted this ahole to rot in jail. But I knew my husband. I knew he wouldn’t let me go otherwise and well at that point, my life was in danger. I figured I can always make $$, but there was only one of me. This was a no-brainer.I’ll never forget that wedding day though. How his reaction to my appearance was so wildly different from everyone else's, even the priest. I later told my friends. The ones that attended. It broke their heart because they never seen me so pretty.P.S. Nowadays I’m at a healthy weight and my hair is grazing my shoulders once more. I’m happy and free. I’m always smiling and back to my usual cheery happy go lucky self. If you met me a year or so after this, you’d never suspect that this was my past. I’m at peace finally. Thank you for reading.

The longest running civil court case has been led by James Martin (USA) since 14 December 1972, when the issue in the Martin v. Sample case was filed; it was then appealed to the US Supreme Court, Washington, DC, USA in October 1981, and docketed as case number 81-6884, on 14 June 1982. Following a summons by the Selective Service System (Pennsylvania, USA), Mr Martin attended a three-day pre-induction physical exam to assess his fitness for military service in the Vietnam War; he was subsequently classified as disabled. The original filed case (which remains active today), regards the subsequent academic and professional discrimination and interference experienced by Mr Martin following this detainment (11-13 December 1972) for medical testing - an issue that Mr Martin, the Office for Civil Rights and the US Department of Education, argues violates the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, which forbids discrimination on the basis of alleged or of actual medical history. The original case, (Martin v Sample, 459 US 850, 74 L ed 2s 98, 103 S Ct 111) -where Mr Sample was the president of the college that Mr Martin was enrolled in at the time - remains active as of 11 December 2006 (when this record was approved).The above date (14 December 1972) is the date of the decision from the Selective Service, following their issuance of the summons to me, directing Mr Martin to appear at the pre-induction examination. (The case was filed with the issuance of the summons, which occurred before 14 December 1972).Landmarks in law: McLibel and the longest trial in British legal historyHelen Steel and David Morris took on the US fast food giant in a lengthy David v Goliath battle in courtHelen Steel and David Morris, after winning their case in the European Court of Human Rights. Photograph: Martin Argles/The GuardianPublic concern over the ethical practices of large corporates is growing: protestors have recently found themselves at the sharp end of the law, with Extinction Rebellion protestors arrested and other campaigners slapped with injunctions. But in the 1990s, the actions of a small group of environmentalists gave rise to what became the longest-running trial in British legal history.McDonald’s Corporation v Steel & Morris [1997], dubbed “McLibel”, followed a libel action brought by US fast food giant McDonald’s against Helen Steel, David Morris and three others over a leaflet they had distributed criticising the company’s practices. The three others apologised and were not sued, but Steel and Morris fought the case in a David v Goliath battle.In a 762-page judgment, Mr Justice Bell, who sat without a jury, rejected the claims in the leaflet that McDonald’s was to blame for starvation in developing countries or had used lethal poisons to destroy vast areas of rainforest. But he found that the company had “pretended to a positive nutritional benefit which their food did not match”, exploited children in its advertising, and helped to “depress wages in the catering trade”.Landmarks in law: Sally Bercow and the first major 'Twibel' caseThe judge ruled that the pair had libelled the corporation and ordered them to pay £60,000 damages, reduced on appeal to £40,000. They refused to pay, and McDonald’s has not pursued them for the money.The case was branded a PR disaster for McDonald’s, and became the subject of a documentary by Franny Armstrong and Ken Loach.Steele was a part-time bar-worker earning a maximum of £65 a week, and Morris was an unemployed postman who was responsible for the day-to-day care of his son, then aged four. At the time, McDonald’s had worldwide sales of about $30bn.Despite the huge economic disparity, Steel and Morris were denied legal aid and forced to fight the case by themselves with occasional unpaid help from lawyers. A fighting fund of around £40,000 from public donations paid for witness airfares, court costs and other expenses.In contrast, McDonald’s was represented by a huge team of leading lawyers and racked up legal bills estimated at £10m.The trial ran for two-and-a-half years. The transcripts ran to approximately 20,000 pages and there were about 40,000 pages of documentary evidence, while some 130 witnesses gave oral evidence – 59 for the defendants, 71 for McDonald’s.The pair sought to appeal to the Court of Appeal and to the House of Lords, which was then the country’s highest court. In September 2004, meanwhile, they launched an action against the UK government at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, claiming that the lack of legal aid breached their rights to a fair trial as guaranteed under article 6 of the Human Rights Convention.In Steel & Morris v United Kingdom, the court ruled unanimously that the pair had been denied a fair trial and awarded a judgement of £57,000 against the UK government.Steel remembers that at the start of the initial case they were given some basic legal advice. “That advice was ‘don’t do it – you’re on a hiding to nothing’, because even if we had plenty of resources, it was up to us to prove the truth of everything that was said in the leaflet,” she says.That was a huge task for Steel, who did not write any of the pamphlet and was not even in the group when it was written. “When all you are doing is handing out leaflets it’s a tall order to then have to become experts,” she says. “The case dominated our lives from 1993 until the verdict in 1996. It was a full-time job around the clock. When we got home from court we had to prepare for the next day.Landmarks in law: the case that shone a spotlight on domestic violence“It was exhausting, but there was an important principle at stake: wealthy companies should not be able to silence people and control what they say about their practices, which are then not subject to scrutiny.”Before their case, she says, McDonald’s had threatened to sue other organisations for libel, which had then all backed down and apologised. “The company created a climate of fear of a libel writ so its business practices went unchallenged, which is not healthy in a democratic society,” she says.But she adds: “If I’d have known then what was involved, I’m not sure that I’d have gone ahead.”Mark Stephens, now a partner at law firm Howard Kennedy, was one of the band of lawyers who helped the pair without charge throughout the case. He says the lack of legal aid resulted in a gross inequality of arms and was also a total false economy. A case that should have lasted three weeks went on for months, preventing other cases from being heard.The case, he says, was “an abject lesson in how not to do it” from the point of view of McDonald’s. “Bringing the case in the early days of the internet meant that many more people came to know what was in the leaflets. The whole thing was madness.”The case became the longest trial in English legal history, but according to Stephens it would not even be heard today. Instead, it would be struck for not meeting the “serious harm” threshold introduced in the Defamation Act 2013.The company would have to show that the statements complained about had caused or were likely to cause serious harm in the form of serious financial loss. And as Stephens says: “In the modern era, handing out around 60 leaflets outside one store wouldn’t serious cause harm.”Since you're here ...... we have a small favour to ask. Millions have turned to the Guardian for vital, independent, quality journalism throughout a turbulent, challenging and historic 2020. Readers in 180 countries around the world, including India, now support us financially. Will you join them?We believe everyone deserves access to information that’s grounded in science and truth, and analysis rooted in authority and integrity. That’s why we made a different choice: to keep our reporting open for all readers, regardless of where they live or what they can afford to pay. This means more people can be better informed, united, and inspired to take meaningful action.In these perilous times, a truth-seeking global news organisation like the Guardian is essential. We have no shareholders or billionaire owner, meaning our journalism is free from commercial and political influence – this makes us different. When it’s never been more important, our independence allows us to fearlessly investigate, challenge and expose those in power.Amid the various intersecting crises of 2020 – from Covid-19 to police brutality – the Guardian has not, and will never, sideline the climate emergency. We are determined to uphold our reputation for producing urgent, powerful, high-impact reporting on the environment that’s read by millions around the world.We’ve made institutional progress too, working hard to live up to the climate promises we made in 2019. We no longer take advertising from fossil fuel companies, and we’re on course to achieve net zero emissions by 2030.If there were ever a time to join us, it is now. Your funding powers our journalism, it protects our independence, and ensures we can remain open for all. You can support us through these challenging economic times and enable real-world impact.The Longest Trial in History: Court Refuses to Impose CounselBy Coalition for International Justice (CIJ)In a written decision dated April 4, 2003, the Trial Chamber in the Milosevic case held, '[I]n the present circumstances, the accused has the right to defend himself in person.' It then denied the prosecution's motion to impose counsel on Milosevic.With this ruling, the Court assured the trial will continue in the manner it has proceeded for the last 14 months. That includes an abbreviated schedule (half days and four-day weekends every two weeks) to reduce stress on the accused; unanticipated, extended adjournments for Milosevic's illnesses; often irrelevant and tendentious cross examination, necessarily requiring additional cross examination by the amici; cross examination of witnesses for the maximum time allowed by the Court, including cross examination of nearly all 92 bis witnesses (whose direct evidence is submitted in writing); lack of agreement on even the most noncontroversial facts, requiring the prosecution to prove everything. In other words, the longest trial in history.In making its ruling, the Trial Court found that the plain meaning of the ICTY statute gives the accused the right to defend himself. Article 21 (4) provides in pertinent part, 'The accused shall be entitled to the following minimum guarantees . . . . (d) to be tried in his presence, and to defend himself in person or through legal assistance of his own choosing. . . .'The Court recognized that civil law (inquisitorial) systems often require that criminal accused facing serious charges be represented by counsel, whether or not the accused agrees. The court, however, adopted the rule prevalent in common law (adversarial) systems, stating that the ICTY is 'essentially adversarial.' In doing so, the Court quoted extensively from a decision of the United States Supreme Court, which held that imposition of counsel without an accused's consent violates the Sixth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution (Faretta v. California, 422 US 806 (1975)). Even without a Sixth Amendment governing ICTY procedure, the Trial Court found Faretta's reasoning persuasive.In Faretta, Justice Stewart wrote for a divided Supreme Court: 'We confront here a nearly universal conviction, on the part of our people as well as our courts, that forcing a lawyer upon an unwilling defendant is contrary to his basic right to defend himself if he truly wants to do so.' The Supreme Court found that '[t]he language and spirit of the Sixth Amendment contemplate that counsel, like the other defence tools guaranteed by the Amendment, shall be an aid to a willing defendant -- not an organ of the State interposed between an unwilling defendant and his right to defend himself personally. To thrust counsel upon the accused, against his considered wish, thus violates the logic of the Amendment. In such a case, counsel is not an assistant, but a master . . . .' 'To force a lawyer on a defendant can only lead him to believe that the law contrives against him.'In adopting this reasoning, the Trial Chamber did not analyze whether and to what extent the U.S. Constitutional guarantee anticipates and is based on an accused's right to trial by jury, and whether this undermines the reasoning when applied to non-jury proceedings, such as trials before the ICTY. Nor did the Trial Chamber address the fact that the U.S. Supreme Court based its holding on 'the inestimable worth of free choice' recognized in the U.S. Constitution and by the Court as higher than the defendant's right to a fair trial (which, arguably in most cases, requires the assistance of professional counsel). Given the extremity of the U.S. valuation of independence and free choice, the Trial Chamber might have considered whether that should be adopted by a system of international justice, particularly one concerned with criminal conduct under a formerly socialist and civil legal system.The Trial Chamber went on to mention a 'further, practical reason for the right to self-representation in common law.' In the adversarial system, the prosecution and defense present the case to the judge as opponents. This clash of opposites is supposed to reveal the truth to the decision-maker (most often a jury, though the Trial Chamber solely concerned itself with professional judges). In the inquisitorial system, the judge serves more of an investigative function, questioning the parties and witnesses in an attempt to find the truth.According to the Milosevic Trial Chamber, '[I]n an adversarial system, the imposition of defence counsel on an unwilling accused would effectively deprive that accused of the possibility of putting forward a defense.' The Court does not explain how this occurs, but goes on to discuss an accused's 'obligation of 'putting a case,' i.e. putting forward the defence version of events if it differs from that put forward by a witness . . . .' The Court said that 'obligation' could not be fulfilled where the accused doesn't tell counsel what defence to put forward.The Court's characterization of an adversarial system where the accused tells his counsel what defense to put forward does not reflect all adversarial systems. In the U.S., e.g., decisions involving strategy, including what witnesses to call, are generally considereed matters for counsel. S/he need not consult with their client and may make decisions the client disagrees with. Decisions which are solely the province of the accused including whether or not to plead guilty, to waive a jury trial and to testify on his own behalf. Moreover, in the U.S. the accused has no 'obligation' to defend himself. The obligation of putting forward a case is solely that of the prosecution.A reading of ICTY rules indicates an accused before the Tribunal has a similar right not to bring a defense, as well as to bring a bad one. Rules 84-86, describing the conduct of the trial including the accused's role, are permissive. For example, 'Each party is entitled to call witnesses and present evidence.' 'Each party may make an opening statement.' 'The accused shall not be compelled to make a solemn declaration. . . .' '[T]he defense may make a closing argument.' [emphases added]The Trial Chamber also rested its decision on guarantees provided to criminal defendants by certain international and regional conventions. For example, the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), adopted by 146 nations, provides that a criminal defendant has the right 'to be tried in his presence, and to defend himself in person or through legal assistance of his own choosing; . . .' The new International Criminal Court statute uses similar language: the accused has the right 'to be present at the trial, to conduct the defence in person or through legal assistance of the accused's choosing, [. . .],' subject, however, to limitations if the accused is disruptive in the courtroom.The Trial Chamber noted that the European Commission on Human Rights (ECHR) has held that the right to defend oneself is not absolute. 'The ECHR said that 'it is for the courts to decide whether the interests of justice require that the accused be defended by counsel appointed by them. When appointing defence counsel the national courts must certainly have regard to the defendant's wishes [. . .]. However, they can override those wishes when there are relevant and sufficient grounds for holding that this is necessary in the interests of justice.''The Milosevic Court nevertheless found the case in which the ECHR so held to be different on the facts (distinguishable) from the Milosevic case and, therefore, not controlling.* Instead, the Trial Chamber turned to a decision of the Human Rights Commission (HRC) of the United Nations, interpreting the ICCPR. Despite the brevity of its reasoning, the Trial Chamber found it 'highly relevant to the correct interpretation of Article 21 (4) (a) of the [ICTY] Statute, especially since this provision is identical to Article 14 (3) (d) of the ICCPR.' The Milosevic Court found that the HRC decision 'confirms the right to self-defence and rejects the imposition of defence counsel on an unwilling accused.'Again, the Court buttressed its finding on practical considerations. If counsel were imposed on Milosevic, the Court speculated, the accused could refuse to instruct the counsel as to the defence to adopt, thereby rendering counsel impotent, in the court's view. In the alternative, Judge May wrote for the Court, the Trial Chamber could allow Milosevic to 'make submissions and question witnesses, in which case, the defence counsel could do no more than the Amici Curiae.' As noted above, however, the degree to which counsel can decide what defense to adopt over the accused's objections or without his input has not been established by the Tribunal.Noting that Milosevic is competent to defend himself and that he had rejected the Court's advice that it was in his best interest to be assisted by counsel, the Court concluded he was 'entitled to defend himself in person.' Perhaps considering the practicalities once more, i.e. how Milosevic might react to its ruling, the Court added that the right to defend oneself is not absolute. It pointed to ICTY Rule 80 (B) which provides that a persistently disruptive accused can be removed from the courtroom, following a warning, and the proceedings can be continued without him. The Trial Chamber stressed, 'Clearly, an accused whose behaviour has resulted in his removal from the courtroom pursuant to Rule 80 (B) of the Rules, has also relinquished his right to defend himself in person.'While distinguishing the case on its facts, the Chamber also referred to a decision (Barayagwiza) in its sister institution, the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda (ICTR), where a Trial Chamber held there may be circumstances 'where it is in the interests of justice to appoint counsel [against the accused's will].' Having left itself this 'out,' the Chamber declared, 'No such circumstances have, as yet, arisen in this trial.' The opinion continues, 'However, as the Trial Chamber has said, it will keep the position under review.'The Chamber did not discuss other limitations on the right of self-representation, including those regularly imposed at the ICTY. Perhaps the idea that rights are conditioned by wealth has become so second-nature that the lack of choice for those who cannot afford counsel remains invisible. It is true in common law jurisdictions, such as the United States, as well. While extending the right of counsel to the poor and recognizing the state has to pay for it if it is to be meaningful, the United States Supreme Court and the U.S. Congress nevertheless concluded that if the state is paying, the state gets to choose. The ICTY adheres to that distinction, despite its guarantee that accused shall be entitled to specified rights 'in full equality.' Article 21 (4).The Milosevic Trial Chamber's decision to deny the prosecution's request that it impose counsel on the accused is not entirely clear. It appears to follow the U.S. rule, despite the fact that rule is derived from the U.S. Constitution. On the other hand, in seeking to preserve its options with an obstreperous accused, the Chamber holds out the possibility that the interests of justice might trump the rights of the accused under the right circumstances (which have yet to occur). Given that another accused awaiting trial insists on his right to defend himself (Vojislav Seselj), and that the prosecution in that case has applied to another Trial Chamber for counsel to be imposed on the accused, the issue is likely to end up before the Appeals Chamber at some point. In the meantime, the Milosevic case will proceed as it has for the last 14 months -- with the likelihood of having the distinction of being the longest trial in history.*Decisions of other international bodies are not controlling as such, but act as a guide for the ICTY in deciding questions of law.'Longest trial in history': Palestinian NGO worker's case resumes for 129th timeOver the past four years, Muhammed al-Halabi's family says Israeli authorities interrogated and tortured the father of five accused of funnelling money to HamasHalabi (C), was returning from a meeting in Jerusalem in June 2016 when he was arrested at the Erez border checkpoint (AFP)The former director of a charity in the Gaza Strip, accused of funnelling donations to Hamas and its military wing, attended his 129th hearing in Be’er Sheva District Court on Wednesday.Muhammed al-Halabi, 41, was working for the US-based organisation World Vision in Gaza when he was detained by Israeli intelligence and security in June 2016 at the Erez border checkpoint on his way home after a routine meeting in Jerusalem.'All the eyewitnesses and even the officials at World Vision gave proof that he was innocent. But this is not what the prosecution is looking for'- Hamed, Muhammed al-Halibi's brotherAccording to Halabi’s father, Khalil, Muhammed was picked up in a joint operation carried out by the Shin Bet security service, the Israeli army and Israeli police.Over the past four years, he has experienced interrogations and court hearings and according to the Palestinian Authority’s agency for detainees, has been subjected to the “longest trial in the history" of Palestinian detainees held in Israeli prisons.On Wednesday, his long-running case resumed again but ended quickly, Halabi's family told Middle East Eye.“Today’s hearing was cancelled shortly after it started because the witnesses were not present,” his brother, Hamed, said. “The prosecution then threatened that any witnesses who come from Gaza to give their testimony will be detained.”“They do not want anyone to prove them wrong. All the eyewitnesses and even the officials at World Vision gave proof that he was innocent. But this is not what the prosecution is looking for,” he said.His father said that in one of the court hearings, the judge threatened Halabi, saying that if he would not confess that he collaborated with Hamas, she would sentence him to “long-term imprisonment”.“She threatened him and tried to force him to confirm the accusations in front of everyone,” he said.Since his detention, Halabi, a father of five from the Jabalya refugee camp in the northern Gaza Strip, has refused to sign confessions that he used his position at World Vision to fund Hamas, according to his family.World Vision is the largest evangelical Christian charity in the world and has provided support to Palestinians in Jerusalem, the West Bank and the Gaza Strip, with local operations for more than 40 years.Following Halabi’s detention, the US-based charity denied the accusations, arguing that it had “no reason to believe” Israel’s claims that he had diverted funds.Ongoing torture, says familyDuring his detention, Halabi’s family said that he has undergone several interrogations and been subjected to “horrific torture” in which Israeli intelligence officers slapped him, hung him from the ceiling for prolonged periods of time, kicked him in his genitals, stripped him naked, and denied him sleep.“We can never call or contact him. None of us is allowed to see him except his mother who gets to meet him once in several months,” his father told MEE.Palestinian children hold posters of al-Halabi during a protest to support him in Rafah in August 2016 (AFP)“What do you expect his condition would be? He has been criminalised and subjected to humiliation and ill-treatment for years.”According to his father, the interrogation and torture of his son have never stopped since his detention in 2016.“The last time his mother saw him was last August. She said he had lost much of his weight and was in pain due to the torture,” his father said.“After several demands to be transferred to the hospital for having severe pain in the head and ears, Muhammed was moved in a vehicle for three days, only to meet the doctor who tore up his medical report and told him he was lying.”‘Delegitimising’ humanitarian workThe Israeli authorities have strictly tightened restrictions on human rights and aid organisations operating in the occupied Palestinian territories during the past five years, including by applying restrictive measures on financial transactions and deporting workers of international organisations.In a report published in January, the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) said that attempts to “delegitimise” humanitarian and human rights organisations have been increasing significantly with the apparent support of the Israeli government during the past few years.OCHA added that “targeted defamation and smear campaigns allege violations of counter-terrorism legislation and international law, or political action against Israel”.The Israeli authorities have also been trying to deport US citizen Omar Shakir, Israel-Palestine director at Human Rights Watch (HRW).The Israeli Ministry of Interior revoked Shakir’s work permit in May 2018, accusing him of supporting the Israel Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement before he joined HRW.Will western governments push back against Israel's assault on civil society?Ben WhiteAccording to Shakir, the Ministry of Strategic Affairs, which said he shared BDS content on social media, also cited his work at HRW to make their case.The attempt to deport Shakir is one of several cases in which Israeli authorities have deported human rights workers.In August 2016, Pam Bailey, director of We Are Not Numbers and former international secretary of the Euro-Mediterranean Human Rights Monitor, was detained and interrogated by the Israeli Border Police at Tel Aviv’s Ben Gurion Airport on her way to the Gaza Strip before being deported back to the United States.The American human rights activist was then given a 10-year ban, joining a growing number of international NGO workers who are denied permits to visit Israel and the Palestinian territory.A former employee at World Vision, who preferred to remain anonymous, told MEE that the accusations against Halabi were part of attempts to halt the organisation’s work in the Palestinian territory, including the Gaza Strip.“Following the detention of Halabi, an external audit was conducted by one of the Big Four auditors,” she said, referring to the nickname for the world’s largest accounting firms. “The firm’s report concluded that there was no diversion of funds.”“There was a political attack on the organisation given that one of its main offices is in the United States,” she continued. “The Israeli lobby in the US must have played a major role in impeding the work of the organisation.”Halabi’s family concurs. “They know very well that he is innocent, but they cannot release him after four years of interrogation and torture and prove themselves wrong,” his father concluded.

This answer may contain sensitive images. Click on an image to unblur it.Bluntly, you can’t.I’ve dated three/four in the past (*all names have been changed to obscure the guilty) and they all presented deep psychological issues/mental illness due to the hiding, obfuscation of their sexuality, what they desired and the lack of relationship skills they had. Whether a sexuality that isn’t hetero is “natural” or not, being in constant dissonance to one’s self is self-destructive.Dissonance is a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.What I’ve found throughout interpersonal relationships with friends and lovers and dating and also in running workshops with not out, closeted and DL men, as well as writing a book on it, is that it severely impacts men (not so much women) in key personality/character development areas. This leads to personal self destructiveness areas as well as what we would label narcissistic or sociopathic/psychopathic behaviors towards men they are intimately involved with.Heterosexual men taught healthily by other Heterosexual men achieve what we collectively identify throughout all cultures as Manhood.Healthy Manhood is About 3 Core Principle1. AccountabilityIf you did it, own up to it. If you did it wrong or made a mistake or it upsets someone, raise your hand and admit to doing it. You may or may not apologize based upon if you did or think you’re doing the right thing. But you can apologize for the offense, if not the content.I’ve apologized to students, coworkers and random people, because I’m an Alpha, INTJ, man, who thinks his feelings before he can articulate them. Also when perturbed or annoyed I speak very directly, which can sound very teacher/police office/military general intense.(I give as many students and teachers possible the Gallups Strengths/Talents Assessment and book so that they can “see” themselves, the kind of person they uniquely are and their strengths. I also explain that one of my Strengths—-Command can sound harsh, extremely direct, rather Klingon—-but I grew up with intense parents who were very direct and assertive, I din’t grow up with other children. I spent a lot of my social time with adults and was pushed to speak up, defend myself, operate independently because they couldn’t be there to always help.In many settings it means that to some I can be intimidating, forceful. I have learned to not only own my Strength of Command which has helped me articulate myself, but how to modulate it, to be accountable to how it comes across and be willing to apologize not for the content, but the Command context that might seem hard, aggressive or harsh.I modulate myself so as not to harm men, women, children and animals.2. IntegrityIf you say you’re going to do something, you should abide by that. However I have also learned to amend this with the right and ability to say if you cannot do something you originally said you could, to rescind. But rescind with respect.Casually, a minor thing:“I know I said I could meet you at 7pm but I have a conflict that I forgot about. I apologize. Can we reschedule?”In a relationship:“Your definition and my definition of monogamy, are not the same. My definition of monogamy includes the caveat that this is my body and in no way your possession nor should you ever expect that to change. I am sharing my body with you. I may decide to share it with others. However what I can offer you is that I will practice safe sex; I will tell you about being sexual with others and if you’re interested, I will include or invite you.”(If people/men entered relationships with this honesty——a whole lot of bs would be cleared up. It’s not the physical act, it’s the assumption of integrity and trust that’s been breached.)With money:“Yes, I hear you. You want to borrow $1000. Yes, I do have the money but I would feel more comfortable just giving you $250 as a friendship gift. That’s as far as I feel comfortable helping you. Though it’s less, you don’t have to repay it. Would you like it?”With my reputation:“Yes, I understand you need a recommendation for your new job, school, apartment. However I don’t feel comfortable giving it to you on Columbia University letterhead. There’s a provenance to it. Which means that it’s not just me but Columbia’s reputation I’m putting on the line when I use it. I can give you a personal one but it won’t be anything too demonstrative as my reputation is a platinum level asset that I’m very careful, thoughtful and honest about. I can tell them that you have always been respectful, thoughtful and on time to class. Will that be adequate? If not, you’ll have to seek it elsewhere.”(I’ve often had to say the above to students/clients.)3. ResponsibilityWhat one does is a direct reflection of the weight, gravitas and wealth of their manhood. I am responsible for being as kind/good as possible to men, women, children and animals, the elderly, the confused and the needy, as much as I can or I deem able. I will make an effort, to not harm others with my manhood, sex or intellectuality or emotional abilities.I cannot be perfect but I can make an effort to be conscious of myself and my actions and make every attempt to listen to others, even when they contradict my thinking, respectfully, and with an open mind, to a new perspective.I hold myself 100% responsible for everything that occurs in my life. I stop myself when a calamity happens and I look how I got there and what it’s there to teach me. If I get into a car accident—-was I paying attention? Was I driving too fast? What can I learn from this as I sit up in the hospital? What can I do with all of this time?Nothing in my life is allowed to be random. By taking active responsibility for even the shit that’s not your direct action or to your liking, you become more powerful and controlled in the aspects of your life. You achieve greater sense of balance at dealing with imbalance.I tell students who say things aren’t fair, to tell me what planet they live on? They say Earth. I tell them you do not live on Fair—-it is only children under 10 who seek the world/Nature to be “fair”. It is our job as adults to teach children that life is not fair. Why are you so late in learning this?I am also responsible to seek and have a purpose in my life. I am not here to simply breathe, eat, fornicate and defecate. I must do something for myself and others with the time and resources I possess.Why do black gay men have the hardest time coming into their own?The Dissonance Inherent In Being in the Closet/DL-nessNon-hetero men are usually shunned or feel uncomfortable within heavily Hetero social circles. Interestingly enough even if they don’t show that they are non-hetero they still stand slightly on the fringes, psychically and emotionally, to the hetero developmental systems. Because to not be Out, shows a distinct lack of Accountability and Integrity and therefore is an avoidance of Responsibility.I would circle around and defend that having been shunned by the hetero man circle, non-hetero men are put in a position to develop their own concept and construct of manhood. The problem is non-hetero men assume manhood is masculine—-so they act masculine and think that’s all there is to being a man.Now that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some Out men who aren’t assholes. But what they do have and portray is an honesty about themselves, so you can see some, a few, enough about them, to make a decision about them. Because they are displaying their character, their level of the above three character measurements. It might be good, bad, stupendous or atrocious but you’re getting a clearer example.While it’s a tricky ball to watch a lot of the intelligence community, government positions, law enforcement have held discriminatory bias not because one couldn’t physically do the job but because that person had on some level, for some time lied about their identity. Now they may’ve lied because society made it dangerous to be transparent but once you’re out of integrity, it’s hard to get back in.Examples:For example, an Out gay guy goes on a date with you and tells you that he doesn’t believe in monogamy, in fact he really likes group sex and you bump into three guys he’s had sex with. He explains that he’d love for you to join sometime and that it’s always consensual and safe.Now this might be outside of your wheelhouse but he’s honest about what he does, doesn’t do, is inviting you to participate in, and the parameters of safety or lack thereof, that are involved. The important notation about safety is that LGBT folk because of smaller numbers, and higher sexual activity, have to be conscious about sexual safety due to STIs. But consciousness requires a level of honesty and transparency. If I’m not telling you the truth about how I roll with everyone I roll with then you are at risk for a sexually transmitted infection, which can have life changing and life ending consequences.Gay integrity/honesty as a character trait is a life and death matter.Nick, DL # 1In college he approached me and glommed onto me because I became a popular writer and Teacher’s Asst.. As a TA I was often in charge of dolling out grades and assignments and such. He did everything, bless his heart, to try to get me to seduce him. Including putting a fake journal on his computer that I borrowed to finish a school project. In the journal he went on and on about all of his sexual fantasies about me.Two problems, his adoration of me steadily increased as his girlfriend when to Paris for a year and when she came back suddenly I was a villain. (If he’d been more interesting, years later, after her and I had a fight, her and I both admitted a fluidity to a three-way to one another. Ironically I had more fun with her than him.)Later he told me that he’d gone back and forth to NYC and had sex with lots of Black guys. He was into Black guys. He also made hit on efforts to every Out gay Black guy on campus and would regale White people with basically mental minority porn. He lied to professors about my mother being dead so that we could both get passing grades—-when I fact had to take the semester off to work full time to pay my tuition. He told another professor that he couldn’t let his work fall into my hands because I would cast a spell on it. (I kid you not.) This was in-between his constant threats to the girlfriend and I of suicide. I finally told him to make it interesting and do it—-and could I have his stereo?But here’s what he never surmised: everyone told me everything of what he was doing and saying, including the professors. He became like a closeted joke among professors and students. Which made him piteous.I sat across from him in class one day and realized that I didn’t feel burgeoning attraction or love for him—-I felt pity. And disgust. So when he graphically told me all the stuff he was sexually capable of that would satisfy him, that I could do to him, I nodded politely.After more and more DL years, he finally got married and cheats on his wife. He admitted he was gay but dead parents, being White, religion—-honey, he felt it was all too much and in some ways he transferred blame and anger towards me because I knew his intimate secret—-and would not join into it with him.(What is sideline interesting about this is at the same time I had a middle school best friend who as he got to college, came out as trans and started dressing/presenting female. Interestingly over the years she chose unattractive, extremely morbidly obese White women as friends then when the pity train ran out (or a couple of them got married) she would drop them. See the pattern I said to K that she was eliminating us based upon who had known her as Kevin.. And her deep desire to be White. But in order to achieve being “mixed” and not Black she would have to distance herself from Black people and eliminate White women who weren’t depressed and giving her unhealthy, undivided attention.)Similar to what Nick wanted from me. They were both frenemies around me and cut of similar narcissistic cloth.Attention and secrecy, without regards to the feelings of the other person. Yes, they both skated at full speed into narcissism.John, DL # 2He and I meant online. He didn’t have a picture in his profile but he was so friendly and eloquent that he impressed me. I also didn’t have a policy about men who were Out or Not Out—-I was in my mid-20s, had a big apartment, a good job, so I didn’t have the identity wherewithal to ask, question, understand about men I was dating and how their behavior was attached to the manifestation of their sexuality.We both lived in Queens so I agreed to meet him at the train station. He was attractive and we went to dinner in Manhattan. Our first date, over a holiday weekend, turned into a 5 day first date with him staying over my place. He’d just graduated college and come to the city to find work, it turned out that he also came from a wealthy family fro the Middle East. He is actually of “The Blood”—-he is a descendant of the Ottoman Empire Blood line (yes, like Saddam and Bin Laden and the Saudi Families) so as we eventually moved in together, into my apartment, he revealed that he wasn’t out to his family.Now, he was so apparently gay that as he tried to explain how he wasn’t out, it was more of that he and his family hadn’t had a sit down in totality with his parents but they had had discussions around the issue.His parents were to come visit the US within a few months of our living together because his father wanted to start moving money into the United States through his son/education. John was financially dependent upon his parents and they had just paid about $400k for his 4 year undergrad education plus his current rent, bills, etc.. I realized just how wealthy he and his family were when he had unpacked his shoes through my 20 foot long hallway and walking by them I saw more leather, soft leathers, ostrich, crocodile, endangered species, and I realized that there was about $50k of just shoes in the hallway.But in our discussions about his parents visiting in a few months, he said he would move into the spare bedroom and we would play it off as being just “roommates”. I felt deeply uncomfortable with that having worked long and hard to at least have my own freedom within my apartment.The mistake in our relationship was not dating longer (I teach a minimum of 90 days before sex—-you see a person 100% by then, past attraction) before we lived together so our relationship blossomed in two stages at once—-dating and living together. Knowing about his not being completely Out, I might have made a different decision about inviting him to move in.We later discovered that he had different ideas about Integrity and fidelity/monogamy. I was expected by threat of violence to be monogamous but he was allowed to fuck around when angry at me.Not I countered with a curve ball: his body was his possession, he could do with it as he will. He should inform me or invite me and I had the same privilege.But where I drew the line was someone hanging their shit on me of what they’d done—-like a spoiled child, forcing me to be the recalcitrant parent. That’s what got him booted.But here’s what I would submit, looking back—-DL Rules of both lying and blame were considered morally okay. Inequality was considered okay. Because both Nick and John were coming from a paradigm of inauthenticity so they never saw it, or me, or others, as people for whom their DLness wasn’t primary.The snafu is that I’ve been out since about 17. I mulled it over for a year before coming out and I’ve been unabashedly Out since then, over 25 years. It never occurs to me—-unless I’m in say Iraq or North Korea—-to not be Out. Classes, workshops, TV show, blogs, videos, broadcast to millions. I’m Out,Jerry, DL #3Interestingly enough, the third DL guy, Jerry, DL # 3, gave me insights into myself and my engagement with DL men.About 7 years after John, I met Jerry in much the same way and he presented in much the same, charming way. But by then I was starting to facilitate men’s workshops, so I invited him to a large birthday gathering I was throwing for a co-worker. He had a nice time, I liked him, he put his grandmother on the phone with me when we stopped afterwards to have a drink.Here’s what people don’t understand about me # 1—-I’m detached. Always.Yes, I might be attracted, I might notice things, I might want things but “love bombing” a narcissistic strategy, doesn’t work with me. I know I am both the franks and the beans but if you try to soup me up too much, I start wondering what’s wrong with you.Initially I thought oh he must be lonely—-it can be difficult to find peer male friends in NYC—-which is why I joined the group that I ended up facilitating.He also said several times he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He then added 17 times (I counted) within a week—-on the phone, at dinner, walking along—-that he was a PowerBottom.As our profiles specified Top and Bottom there really was no reason to point this out—-except as a passive aggressive tactic to initiate sex.Here’s what people don’t understand about me # 2—-Passive Aggressive tactics don’t work on me. Ever. I watch people do them—-the way you watch a butterfly pinned to a whiteboard.A better tactic?“Hey, Kyle, it’s a nice day, wanna have sex?”I would have answered: “Sure. Can I clean up my place first?”Yes, I’m that blunt and direct.But being DL, means that everything is KGB hush hush secrecy. Men often tell me they are discreet. And I’m like—-okay, from whom are you being discreet?Whose watching you or me when you promise to be discreet when you come to my apartment? Who teh fuck is stalking us? And what would non-discreet look like if you came to my house?They’re confused but I point out this is an unnecessary layer of paranoia to a person. Why would I want to fuck a paranoid dude? What’s the upswing in that?So I’ll twist deeper because this was at the beginning of my sex/sexuality relationship workshops and eventually delving into both academic, health related and personal experience sharing from others, understanding of the broad dynamics of LGBTQSGL world.I say the above so you understand why I engaged DL men, mainly because I didn’t understand LGBTQSGL male psychology, positively and negatively.Now here’s some interesting cross-correlates—-Nick, John and Jerry were all open to unsafe sex. In fact it was one of the reasons why I broke up with John, he offered that I didn’t have to wear a condom—-and I’ve never told anyone this before—-I saw death in his eyes.Can you imagine the risk Nick presented? The professor he lied to about my mother dying, she actually said he sobbed in her office about it. That someone who could do that was dangerous and whatever my feelings for him, I should nip them in the bud. Two other professors said the same.By the time Jerry rolled around I’d been doing this sex and sexuality work for a couple of years, reading more, talking and counseling so I was starting to see my culpability in dating/attracting/tolerating DL men.My CulpabilityOn one level they are an expression of my own doubt as I’ve aged about myself, sexuality. etc.. The doubt then manifests as allowing those who are “broken” or better—-incomplete—-entrance into my life. I don’t regret or dislike my sexuality but like every other human who wears red socks and sees blue socks or striped socks—-you think about them, comparison shop, want to be accepted when you notice the blue sock party up the block.Friends male and female, straight and not, have said things, little things—-like a non-hetero man” is less than. of course this are the women dogged out by hetero men.Or the guys—-you’ll love this one—-a guy from undergrad—-Adam—-we reconnected in NYC and went out to dinner on night. In the cab back to Queens we were sharing—-he tells me how after such a great dinner, he usually gets a blowjob from the girl-date. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge. Even the cab driver looked at him weird in the rear-view mirror. We go back to his place—-I was to buy his comic book collection—-and he comes back out in just his shirt, undies and socks. I nod politely and catch a cab home. No, I never bought the comics.Yes, he too got married, is White and I’m sure has a interesting search history on his computer and has done a thing or two that would (or wouldn’t) shock his wife.It also gives you a level of power over them because they aren’t like other gay men, who you might have to work for—-these momos are stuck in a closet so you’re their only snack. All lashed out at me when I wouldn’t comply with their attempts to control reality. I will tell you from a dark place, it was fascinating to watch from my detached position. I also found that I liked them as friends but had issues with being sexual with them. Now I would personally go all down the rabbit hole of sexual hiccups and neurosis, if I hadn’t been fucking like a superhuman bunny rabbit before, during and after them. My sluttiest life moment was I called my ex Danny over the Saturday evening, after the Wednesday, of when I threw John out. I fucked Danny a lot that weekend to “check the pipes”, as it were.I had sex with several of Nick’s male and female friends and two of Jerry’s. Often after a date with Jerry I would have a second date with some Out, sexually fun guy. It was like I was secretly cheating on someone who cheated with secrets. The interesting part of dealing with the low moralled is that you are free to not consider them in your sexual morality. It’s like incestuous freedom.After all these under shenanigans I had to admit my own issues and thoughts about love. That I was free and attached myself, however briefly, to someone who wasn’t——so I could show them how high I could fly. In many ways though they did try to ground me, control me, impose relationship rules upon me—-why professing to not want a relationship—-I got to be defiant and continue to fly.Success has always been my revenge.Nick and Jerry desperately wanted to be writers and I tried to assist them but then without them I’ve achieved a lot.I ruminate what if I’d taken Nick up on his secret relationship offer in NYC after college?Would I have gone and learned all the corporate/schooling stuff I did? Or would I have minimized myself farther to satisfy his rather dismal professional life?I remember, though it was evident by school popularity, always being “careful” about how I talked about my work with him. Though I am a little obtuse, I think I sensed his envy and eventually, spite.Jerry, in a one way heated argument, told me how—-he sputtered this——how confident!!!!!!—-I was.Which perplexed me.Then I was rereading Keith Swain’s Dynamic Duos to teach in a workshop, and he described how Alphas are perceived and he talked about extreme confidence because we learn/do things to not be helpless.I originally thought well I have to work harder, go to Columbia and Columbia Law (as Jerry wanted to but never has; ironically, Nick also wanted to go to Dartmouth—-the deal was I would help him there, if he helped me to Princeton to study with Toni Morrison. He never made it, I did. As a total bitch move, because so many professors helped me, I wore the Princeton sweatshirt when I sat across from him in class. Hey, I never said I wasn’t capable of a petty swipe. lol)No, wait for it, after awhile of not seeing or communicating with Jerry, I get into Columbia, I’m taking educational law classes at the law school and I come out the front gate—-not a plan in my head, wearing my Columbia sweatshirt—-and he’s walking up the block. He actually tripped when he saw me.No, he never got to Columbia either.It didn’t occur to me then because I thought we were all pulling for each other that it was upsetting to them that I’d accomplished my goal. Part of my Disease to Please was I genuinely wanted the best for them but if I acknowledge how my Strategic and Futuristic Strengths work—-I could see that my holding out with—-If he….prayers, was in fact a gloss over for he never will. That they were both self-destructive losers. In jobs I set them up in, interviews, meetings with renowned professors. I think of my love, probably because I’m an only child, as a sharing thing—-but I’ve had to face that I have sometimes shared with people incapable of development.My Mother and her Pigeon/Eagle Theory About DL MenMy mother, after meeting Nick, compared him to a high school love who didn’t finish high school, was poor on Welfare—-she said that they were pigeons and I had to accept that “I was an eagle because I’d been raised by eagles. I was mismatched to them. Pigeons flock together,. eagles soar alone until they find another eagle to mate with.”She was right about several of them but more pointedly, she was prescient about my trying to minimize myself to enhance them. Once I turned away from them, I soared.I remember pulling for them, wanting them to be—-unbroken, more, what they said they wanted to be. Ass and dick not enough to seduce me, they never understood that. You must point at mountains and climb them—-that turns me on. Pointing at mountains, shrugging and blaming your dead daddy,literally shrivels my dick.John, more accomplished to his goals, I think was different because he was basically Out, his parents knew and accepted him. He simply hadn’t accepted their knowing.K spent 7 years with a 1.0 GPA at undergrad but their fear of a discrimination lawsuit kept him/her registered. Twenty years later, she’s finally gotten her Associates degree.I took advantage of DL men, I used them like step ladders to push myself away and upwards from. I don’t know what that is.Dr. Persaud, a family therapist my parents family therapist knew, once told me when I got sick, through care taking exhaustion, in undergrad that I chose lesser people because it allowed me not to have to be as big, as tremendous, as incredible as I could be. I used them, friends and such, to hold myself back.So yes, I used DL lovers to not only hold myself back but to be the “good” one.I used them because who could they complain to? What could they complain about? He dated me then went on and became successful? I think their disdain of me, as I thought was maybe a dozen things, was that resilience, that self development. When I realized being good, doing, trying was the “problem” I realized my own warped participation in the paradigm.DL FreeHow did I break my pattern and start to have healthy relationships?Only OUT men. Like Gay Pride Parade pink Speedos true golden and pink swirl homos. That’s who I date.I also edit men who can only talk about their sexual positions, etc..I joined organizations that weren’t about therapy per se but were about art interests, politics, business, etc. and some of those organizations happen to be LGBT.For about a decade, I worked at LGBT organizations and two things happened:The staff was often as traumatized or self-destructive as the clients—-which meant I had to directly edit out former coworkers. One former Exec. Dir. of GMAD—-Gay Men of African Descent—-went on an embezzling, bareback, meth induced tear for a couple of years. Being both HIV+ and the stress of trying to “save the world” sent him to rip off his condom and go to infection parties—-ironically he recruited me years before to protest one and be the rep to the press, news and TV about dangerous barebacking parties. But when I was working there, the CDC had come in and given the staff a deep training that we were the highest risk group for HIV infection, if we weren’t already—-70% of the staff was infected—-because HIV was normalized to us by our interaction with clients. We unconsciously would see it as something “livable”. I made both my exit plan and packed up my desk after that training—-because my concern about HIV has been how it would hamper my ability to parent children and that as an only child I would have to care for my elderly parents. I cannot afford to be immunologically compromised. I have Responsibilities as a man.No one, particularly the men of color, in the groups, were aiming to get better. They enjoyed the peer grouping too much. When I threw that birthday party for the facilitator at GMAD, I was planning on leaving a few weeks later because I felt after a year of weekly meetings I had “graduated: and didn’t need counseling around my sexuality like the others did. It was the facilitator who said since I had taught before that I should consider teaching, who roped me in to teaching at GMAD, which kept me there for several more years.It was then that I started understanding the psychological ticks of DL men, I don’t think I had completely distinguished them before in that way because I’d been exposed to gay men in small groups, online, at clubs but never to hundreds where I could discern differences that were markedly healthy and not. Or have friendships with men who were Out and friendships with those who weren’t and see/feel the difference.I can tell you that even in friendships I watched “DL” men cheat on partnerships, lie, steal because they were already living a veiled identity. I’ve written before and taught about a student, Greg, who I caught in just lie after lie and finally I realized, if he’s lying to his discreet husband about sex with other men, of course he’d lie to me and others about stuff.DL-ness and HIV/AIDS 101(This will be a controversial one, pull up your big boy (and girl) (and trans) pants.)Black and Latino males contract STIs, including HIV at a faster rate than White males of the same ages or younger. Why? Smaller networks. Ten White men in one neighborhood, ten Black and Latino men in another. The White men tend to move outside of their Ten network which means that as a random chance of infection, they have less chance (the upside of Latino and BBC fetishes and genuine interests.). The Black and Latinos tend to be sexually active within that network of Ten, meaning that eventually the unicorn of infection will come around, faster to the Black and Latino Ten (because we are less welcome outside of our ethnic enclaves, we circulate infections rather than go out and shift the probability numbers of infections. The positive kickback of racism…for others besides Blacks and Latinos.)The CDC estimates that half of Black and half of Latino—MSMs—-men who have sex with men, will become HIV+ in their lifetimes; the highest infections rates are 18–27, the next highest are 27–40, the third highest are 40+. Approximately 55% through Male to Male contact, 25% through Male to Female or Female to Male Contact, and roughly another 25% from injecting drugs/intravenously/shared needles. What this means to me personally is that giving a 10% population to males in each ethnic group (50 million Blacks/60 million Latinos—-total 11 million—-let’s round it off to 10 million non-heteros in the bunch, halvsies for sex/transsexuals (a small percentage)—-so make it 5 million eligible males. 2.5 million of the possibles for me are or will become HIV+. I’m not HIV+ and honestly I would have to seriously consider if I wanted the negative possibilities of an HIV+ partner. I have seen the massive impact and catastrophe it can be to one’s life and relationships to by lack of concentrated effort to safe sex practices, become positive. Their life expectancy is 27+ years at the longest outset BUT that’s determined by what region of the country they were infected in, when they started antiviral treatments, and when they knew. That also means a constant consciousness during sex for me to avoid infection. Lastly, 27 years of life expectancy doesn’t take into consideration parenting children.How likely is it for the CDC to be right? I’ll tell you from workshop, counseling and personal experience safe sex practitioners exist—-however too many, more than half, if not more, MSM practice unsafe sex.Education to sexual safety education (the higher educated you are the less likely you are to become HIV+and/or/but);the greater resources you have financially the better medical care, access to PRep and antivirals you have (in NYC the life expectancy is 27+ years, in Charlotte, NC—5+ years);life expectations—-in workshops men, pointedly Black and Latino are not as centered in what heterosexual men are considering—-procreation, generational legacying, community building, mentoring—-that was what a lot of my workshops were passively trying to teach.Heterosexual men, even ones of color, though disenfranchised, are still part of the expectation of progeny, community, legacying.It’s 50/50 unusual to find a man a of color MSM who is HIV-, besides me, interested in an LTR that is compatible (with me. Compatibility numbers generally run 10 in 100, 5 of that 10 being mutual compatibility—-but do the math on how many men are surrounding that initial good pool of 100 eligible, sane men to whittle it down to 5 possibles. It becomes a numbers game. Imagine if you didn’t know the numbers? Which is how some MSM of color end up cynical and depressed.)Our MSM community is infused with that “Network of Ten” exampling form above, whether you’re unsafe, safe or HIV+ (oh, you do know that while positive you can still be reinfected, right? Another diddy I drop in workshops. Think of it this way: every body makes their own brand of HIV, like Kool Aid. So someone can re-infect you, already HIV+ with your flavor of HIV, with their flavor of HIV. Ain't Nature a bitch?)The DL-ClosetHere’s what I tell men in workshops—-and this will blow your mind:“You can’t have a healthy, thriving long term relationship, if you’re in the closet.”They challenge back that they know some some odd fuckery couple who were together for 85 years and nobody knew.I challenge back, you can have a secret but not a relationship. (Which is why when Partner A died, his family swept in and threw Partner B out on his old ass and took the house and all teh contents. Authenticity, transparency, legality to relationships brings greater protections than secrecy does.)DL HIV/AIDS 202Unknown HIV Status (I Don’t Know, Who cares?),Being Flagrantly HIV+ and Barebacking orNot Being Safe in a Sero (HIV+ & HIV-) Disparate RelationshipAs I teach HIV awareness, one point I always include is that as a man you have a right and mandate to be responsible and accountable around your status if you’re going to be sexual with someone. (See, how if you have teh two incorporated into your character framework on manhood, life can change, be different, be easier. I’m just saying….)Microsoft Excel and BarebackingI was teaching a class, computer certification, oddly enough pertinent to this, but a participant during the break (it was at an LGBTQSGL agency) mentioned that he’d met a guy and hooked up.MSM (Black and Latino and All Others) Rosetta Stone Cultural Translation Lesson(MSM, if you casually say you have a napkin on the table, they will tell you about their every sexual desire, activity, interest, who they fucked, when they fucked, who they might like to fuck on the subway, right then and there.I used to be deeply irritated by this because on my off time with friends I felt all they could language was homosexuality, homosexuality, homosexuality! at Volume 10.What I will offer in my mature higher self is that so many MSM grow up lying or veiling their authentic selves so when they’re in a safe space or with a safe person, they want to be liberated and share their hidden, suppressed, oppressed thoughts.)So yes, during a break from intensive an Excel class to certification, a Black man shares his fuck tale.He’s HIV+ and hooked up with dude the night before and they had amazing melanin pretzel sex. Someone else chimes in and somehow it rounds to he didn’t use a condom (and no, he wasn’t on PRep). But his thinking, which he gloriously voiced to the class, was that if the young guy (under 28, this guy was over 40 (which tracks to age to age group transmission) ) didn’t inquire about his status then he’s taking his life in his own hands and he felt no obligation to disclose. You sign up for the bareback fuck, you get what you get.So then yes, I have to unpack this with a finger pointed towards the concepts of Responsibility, Accountability and Integrity being components of manhood to an otherwise reasonable nice man, who simply did not see a problem with lying after potentially infecting a young man, a young Black man, with a life altering disease and at the same time remembering that he was probably infected in the same way, with the same disregard, from a Black man. Hurt people, hurt people.Black and Latino people contained into their community enclaves generally hurt those closest to them. They hurt other Black and Latino people within their community enclave.Even our Leaders in MSM Black and Latino Enclaves…..To further the issue, a few years later it was discovered that a stalwart leader of a Black LGBTQSGL men’s organization, after decades of tireless HIV-safe sex-AIDS activism, got tired. He got so tired he started embezzling from the non-profit to buy crystal meth so that he could on 72 hour benders at Barebacking Only sex parties where he, HIV+, would gleefully fuck men of color.Men and their dicks are potential minefields or worse, a better metaphor, BBC are potentially loaded weapons, in the Black and Latino LGBTQSGL community, because of all of the systemic issues in raced communities, systemic structural race issues, and the psychological effects that and homophobia-hegemony have upon the communities.Self Esteem & Self ConfidenceWe act in healthy ways when we have the self esteem (I am good enough) to enact public self confidence (I can do many things like love, be intimate, announce my need for intimacy (even if it’s just sexual-physical at the moment.))I later understood that what upset me to Jerry was not that I thought—-I’m inadequate in some ways, I should work harder and be a happy person with my accomplished goals—-it was that I have the self-confidence enough to achieve my goals.Nick said once that I was like a movie on a screen. I would state I would do something and the next scene would be my having accomplished it. His point was that wasn’t normal (to him) and yes, I suppose from all of his spiteful actions as threatening to him as it was to Jerry.What neither of them know or bothered to watch for because they were hiding themselves from exposure so they were also hiding themselves from the good and bad limelight that comes with achieving your dreams/goals—-is that I’m a very methodical planner. I scope out the city, the prairie, the sea, the sky before I set sail. I’ve studied other people and their tactics and thoughts and abilities. I use he experiences of others to fuel my own endeavors and resilience.Also, I am sovereign unto myself.I have held this mantra since I was a child.I literally do not give a fuck what you think about me—-I have told this to everyone from parents, to judges, to clergy, to friends, to lovers.I’m sure that attracts men, even DL men. I’m sure also my Alphaness, my detachedness suggests privacy or secrecy or something—-I’ve considered that I am one thing but may appear another. I’ve written before about not appearing flamboyantly non-hetero. It’s not on purpose, it’s just my disposition and physicality. BY I mill around in a community with stereotyping desires,how do I unconsciously being myself contribute to that?Which is why I’ve pointedly joined organizations that are not primarily about sexuality but are inclusive to race and sexuality.I think in some ways, I’ve so normalized my sexuality to myself that it can seem almost DL itself——until you unpack the workshops, books, TV show, etc. But during Nick, John and Jerry time—-I had yet to produce that external work.I am my own best thing.If you’re DL there’s some negative self esteem stuff in there which is why Nick, K, Jerry, and slightly John, had such issue with seeing themselves as good enough to do stuff. I was always propping them up.When I stopped propping them up, I wrote and published 100 books. And produced 450+ TV show episodes. And got into Columbia and really started learning how to teach.See, having survived a few DL folk, I’m going to tell you a harsh truth—-it hampers them immeasurably in life because it’s like they’re always rushing to throw a blanket over a baby elephant in the room.From all of them, they exampled extreme depression, suicidal ideation, histrionic emotional patterns, paranoia—-which I would mark as the result of the dissonance. I asked a couple of social worker friends if they thought Borderline Personality Disorder was more common in LGBTSGL folk because they were LGBTSGL in a society that was marginally accepting? The answers were inconclusive.Aside from the DL folk, what I learned to see was that my parents, a lot of my family had—- for a broad umbrella here—-BPD tendencies—- so that was normal to me. Secrets, pain, depression, drama.When I stopped normalizing it, they stopped surrounding me. Oh, they still hit me up but no matter what they look like (which is key! lol) I shoo them away AND I tell them directly why.You’re Not Out.Which means your personality and character measurements of how you should be with other people is skewed.Hell, if you’re lying to your mom or your dad about who you fundamentally are, why wouldn’t you lie to me as you lie with me, that you’re HIV- or Herpes free?And now you see, as I saw, why the infection rates are so high.#KylePhoenix#TheKylePhoenix