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What does it feel like to live in the shadow of an overachieving parent or sibling?

Living in the shadow of my overachieving sister was awesome.My sister is four years older than me, and she was always really successful and well-liked by teachers and adults. She was very diligent in elementary school and was also quite good at piano, Chinese calligraphy, and Chinese speech contests. Because she was four years older than me, and neither of us skipped grades, the only time we went to school together was in elementary school. However, we attended the same junior high school, same high school, and then college. Throughout my academic and non-academic life, I have followed my sister's footsteps, and everyone always told me how great my sister was before me. I didn't intentionally set out to do that, and I didn't feel dependent on doing what she did, but I certainly believe that her trailblazing heavily influenced my own decisions.Starting from fifth grade, my teachers generally had also taught my sister four years before (we moved once before I entered first grade, and sometimes teachers retired, but this was the general rule). They always knew she was a top student and worked hard and that my parents would want to know of any problems. I generally did well in those classes too, but I was much less well-behaved in class. I generally received poor citizenship grades and sometimes was called disruptive. But the fact that she did so well in school impacted me in two important ways: (1) people had a pre-conceived positive impression of me because I was my sister's brother and (2) she helped me to succeed in those classes.First, my parents would almost always introduce me as "Carolyn's little brother" when they first met my teacher (generally on Open School Night). The teacher would then say how wonderful my sister had been. They then thought of me as a smart kid too and gave me the benefit of the doubt. They kept an extra eye on me to see if the homework was too easy and I could use more advanced material. They looked to me as a child that would probably be able to handle more difficult tasks. They also knew my parents would be very involved in my education, and made sure to talk to them in detail about my progress in school. All of these things were really helpful to me. I also did really well in school, and it felt like I had been pre-validated. She was a member of our school newspaper in high school and was really well respected and became the copy editor who gave final approval to all the stories. Her experience and advice allowed me to focus on how to become a better writer and how to demonstrate my abilities in high school. I joined the school newspaper when I entered high school, and some of the newspaper staff members that were underclassmen when she was a senior were still on the staff. This was another example of the pre-validation. I felt they expected I would know more about their journalism class and styles, which I did, through my sister. My life was a little easier and my mistakes were more easily forgotten because I was "Carolyn's little brother."Second, my sister still had all her materials (my parents made sure she kept them) from those classes. Old tests, old essays, the books we needed to read. Most material does not change much year to year for experienced teachers. This was immensely helpful as I could look to her stuff for ideas (though I never plagiarized her materials). She also tutored me. She taught me things that had been difficult for her and she read and edited my essays. Four years is a big age difference when the ages are 10 and 14, and it was really helpful. She also knew a lot about the schools I attended and told me things like which teachers were good to have in high school, who wrote good recommendations, which clubs were helpful to join, and how to plan my extracurricular schedule. I became the editor-in-chief of our school newspaper in large part because I could learn from my sister's experiences when she was on the school paper. She was also a member of our high school's chapter of the Junior Statesmen of America and served as the vice-president in her senior year; later I served as the club's president during my senior year. She told me it was a great club to join, I followed her advice and my fear of public speaking was considerably reduced through my experiences.She went to Stanford for undergrad, and when I was in high school I visited her quite often. I met her friends, played on her team during "the game" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(treasure_hunt), attended some of her classes, and saw how happy she was there. I knew that was where I wanted to go to college. I saw the positive reactions everyone had to her going to Stanford and her positive attitude about it, and she also kept telling me "You can go to Stanford too! Just keep working hard." It definitely focused my efforts. It was a great experience attending her Stanford graduation during my senior year of high school after I had received my admission letter just a few months earlier. Of course, she had edited all my essays and worked with me on my entire application.When I got to Stanford, Carolyn gave me great advice on how to plan my schedule, how to navigate Axess (Stanford's online class registration system), where to eat, how to get off campus, and she also referred me for a great research job at Stanford Law School. She had gotten this job somehow and when she was graduating she told her boss that, if he needed a replacement, her brother would be a freshman next fall. After an interview, I got the job, and it was a really great job. Her boss loved her because she was really smart and very diligent. Her referral carried a lot of weight with him.After college, my sister went to law school at Boston College. She had over a 3.8 GPA, but her LSAT score was not high enough to get into the very top law schools, and she told me that it would be harder for her to succeed in her legal career because of it. So she graduated from Boston College cum laude and as an editor on their law review by working really hard. After that experience, she constantly told me that law school admissions is a numbers game based on your GPA and LSAT, so I should make sure I had a high GPA and a great LSAT score if I wanted to maximize my chances of getting into a good law school. This really kept me focused during my freshman year of college when many advisers were telling students to explore classes and take whatever interested them. I already had an inkling that I potentially wanted to go to law school, so I chose classes accordingly based on my sister's sound advice. I also started studying early for my LSAT because of my sister's experience. And then I followed her to the greater Boston area for law school when I went to Harvard. Her husband (my brother in-law) was also getting a Ph.D from Harvard at the time, and they lived in Harvard-owned housing. I saw them a few times a week when I first moved to Cambridge, which was fantastic. They picked me up from the airport when I first arrived for orientation.When it came time to interview for jobs, my sister was already a third year associate at a BigLaw firm, and she gave me a great deal of insight into the process based on her experiences as an interviewer and candidate. She also connected me with people she knew who were at the firms I was interviewing with.Overall, having my overachieving sister was simply amazing. She made my life much easier and increased the probability of my own academic success substantially. She figured out lots of the things you can only find out through experience and gave me a sneak preview, allowing me to avoid pitfalls and make easy transitions. I have always lived in her shadow, in the sense that I followed her footsteps since I was 9 years old, from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, to Stanford, to law school in Boston. I'm extremely grateful that I had her overachieving-ness as a role model.One last side note -- the most significant area where I felt I couldn't live up to my sister's accomplishments was piano. She was pretty good at piano. She liked it, she practiced, and she still plays for fun sometimes now. My parents made me play piano when I was old enough too -- and I hated it. I was bad at it, I didn't like the sound, and I didn't like practicing when I could be playing video games or watching cartoons instead. My piano teachers were always very disappointed that I was not like my sisters, and my mother took me to various different teachers as well. I never resented that she was good at it; I was only jealous that no one bugged her all the time about piano and that she was fortunate enough to have both interest and aptitude in something that my parents and other parents in the Asian-American community cared about. (She was also way better at drawing and art than me, but no one really harassed me about it.)

How can I figure out how much to charge to do an art talk or speaking engagement at a school? I have had several people inquire about it (at elementary schools and colleges) and ask my fee but I don't know where to start.

I would suggest that you first go to an elementary school of a friend and do the speech for free. This will allow you to hone your skills and then ask input from the teachers and staff as to how to improve on your delivery. Then slowly work your way up to Jr. High and then High School.If you are good at your speeches then word will get out and you can start charging a few. I would go to the regional educational service in your area and they can make recommendations on what to charge for your speeches and give you a list of schools that might be interested in your speeches. Our school pays anywhere from $250.00 to $2500 for speakers depending on the subject. Most of these are referred by the regional service centers. We find local people to do our graduation speeches and they are paid around $250 for a graduation ceremony. Where we might pay an individual $2500 to do an all-day session with teachers or students. Authors usually come for free.

Do most French take seriously the use of tu and vous?

Yes. This question of tu and vous is very tricky for a lot of learners.The golden rulesIf you're not sure, always use “vous”.You should wait for people to suggest dropping the vous for tuNever forget the amendment to rule 1. (See below for important details)You will never sound rude using vous with people you meet for the first time, even if they expect you to use tu. If they think you're being too distant, they will tell you to drop it for tu. The other way round is not true : people may let you use tu without telling you anything but judging that you are a very arrogant prick to think that you are so close to each other… and they may not make any attempt to meet you again. Some people may also remind you (harshly or not) where you stand and to use vous with them until told to do otherwise.If you're a foreigner, people will be forgiving, don't worry. French people will gently remind you which form should be suitable for the situation. If you still keep on misusing the pronouns, they may end up thinking that you don't make any effort to understand the importance of the use of tu and vous or that you are willingly trying to not respect the legitimate boundaries of intimacy.“Wait. Intimacy?”Yes. In many textbooks, these pronouns are usually referred to as different forms to express politeness to someone but it's actually inaccurate. One can be extremely rude and vulgar using vous and extremely polite and formal using tu. So it's not really about the degree of politeness of speech.What the use of tu and vous indicates is rather the degree of acquaintance of people using it or the socially accepted superiority over someone else. Let me qualify this “superiority”: at school, a teacher can use tu to address their students but the students are expected to use vous to address their teacher. This is particularly visible in an elementary school class. In high school, the teacher may feel more appropriate to use vous when addressing their student. In university, the rule is to use vous. In a family context, the vous form will most likely be used by a married person to address their parents-in-law. They, on the other hand, will most likely use tu in response. Here, it's more a matter of respect towards older people. This usage is changing, though and more and more tu is used with all the members of the family, provided that the older people agree to this.Generally speaking, the use of tu and vous dérives from a form of psychological boundary between the barely known people (a vast majority) and the intimate people, although intimate should be understood in a very broad sense: direct family, lovers, friends, people you socialize with or engage in regular activity with, etc.If you are a kid in France, you can use tu to address any other kid of your age and above up until an undefined age limit. Kids who received a strict education may address any adult with vous because that is what they have been told to do when talking to a stranger even if the said stranger is closer to 18 than 40.Usually, if you're an adult in France, you will be expected to use vous when you address people you have never met before, people you hardly know or people who are socially above you and people who have not yet offered you to change to a closer level of address.When you go shopping, you address a seller with vous, unless there is a special relationship between you and it has been made clear that you can now use tu with each other.When you are invited to a friend's party, pay attention at how people talk to each other. If they all say tu to each other, then maybe it's ok to use it too. If you're not sure, apply the golden rule #1 which is the safest way to not sound and look rude.In your workplace, always use vous if you're not sure. Even with employees at the same rank as yours, it may sound funny if you use tu when not expected. I worked once in a supermarket where everyone was expected to use tu, to everyone else including the head boss! It was unusual for me to say tu to a boss, especially since I barely knew them.Personal experience (as a native)People older than you and employers/bosses have a form of tacit right to decide when it's ok for you to change the mode of address to them, if they deem it appropriate. I once was scolded harshly by a boss for using tu to him after a few months working together. I was working in a small language school and the team was pretty close to each other, teachers and bosses alike. I was the last intern hired. When I witnessed the level of intimacy between them, I thought it was ok after a few weeks to jump in and consider myself a buddy too. Wrong move. My boss kept me on a Friday night before leaving for the weekend and he gave me a lecture I will never forget in my life. This is when I discovered what professional behavior means. And I thank him for that. His point, legitimate as can be, was that HE was the one to decide when it was appropriate for me to address him with tu, not the other way round like I did.I consider myself a well educated person and I can confidently say that I know my culture. But I didn't know yet about the professional and business ways at that time: I was just a freshly graduate from college with little to no prior job experience.Amendment to the golden ruleNow, there is one more thing that is never told or formulated clearly in any kind of textbook and I've never read that anywhere but I can confidently say that it's a cultural trait shared by all the French speakers. There is an amendment to the golden rule, a very tacit one. There is one only case where you will sound excruciatingly rude and offensive using “vous”: this is when you were using tu with someone and suddenly use vous on purpose.Once you start using tu with a French speaker, you can NEVER ever go back to vous. This is the most offensive way to hurt someone's feeling of acquaintance with you. Even when couples get divorced with tears, disputes and harsh fights, they still address each other with tu. When good friends suddenly turn into archenemies, they still use tu to address each other. Once you use tu with someone, it means they are part of your intimate circle, forever. And whatever happens, they will not leave this circle, even if you hate them and want them dead. Now, it doesn't mean that you're bound to them in a moral or emotional way or whatever. It just means that at some point in your common history, you become close enough to address each other with tu. And this cannot be undone.

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