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2020 has been challenging in just about every way possible.No matter who we are or where we live, we’ve all felt the impact of COVID-19 in our lives this year. We have felt these challenges with our health, some people not being able to get the care they need in a timely manner. We have felt these challenges economically—whether you’re a business owner like I am, or an employee in search of work. And we have also felt these challenges mentally and emotionally: adjusting to working from home, navigating chaotic news cycles, evacuating areas of the country struck by fires, participating in important racial and gender equality discussions, the list goes on and on.Through the process of managing all of this over the past six months, I have learned a lot about myself. And also that I’m the only person that can shape my experience of this pandemic (or anything else!).And I have learned that, above all things, we must feel supported—regardless of what’s happening in the world—even if we have to be the ones providing that support. How do we nurture a positive relationship with ourselves? How do we avoid the trap of feeling like a victim, actively remembering we have control over our destiny? How do we allow ourselves those moments where it’s ok to feel sorry for ourselves and acknowledge that things are sucking right now?For some people, 2020 has been an opportunity to reinvent themselves and take stock of what truly matters. For others, 2020 has been a year of suffering, stress, sickness, and loss of hope. For many of us, it’s a combination of both.Wherever you fall on the spectrum, here are three ways you can continue to build a healthy relationship with yourself—and create a feeling of abundance versus scarcity.1. Understand your coping mechanisms, and give yourself new (healthy) ways to “cope.”We all have coping mechanisms, and at the beginning of the pandemic, I immediately became clear on what my coping mechanisms were.I missed going to my dance classes.I missed getting to spend time with friends and family.I missed going out to dinner and having a fun meal out.I missed being able to plan a trip to look forward to.All of a sudden, all the ways I would have coped with a long day of work, or just stress in general, were taken away.We’re creatures of habit, and these habits, routines, and “coping mechanisms” in our lives are real and reasonable—it’s not about denying them or punishing ourselves for having reliable ways to make things feel better. But given circumstances that take away these opportunities, we’re presented with an opportunity to both acknowledge our “dependencies” and also to find new ways to destress, relax, find fulfillment, be social, and support ourselves with the things we need to live a happy, healthy life. For me, this meant finding new ways to feel connected with others, to exercise, and to feel stimulated and inspired.I set up a regular virtual workout with my trainer and some of my close friends, which is great because I get my workouts and simultaneously see some of my nearest and dearest every Monday, Wednesday, Friday.I started calling up old friends and acquaintances I hadn’t talked to in forever, happily reconnecting and with plenty of time to be present in those conversations.I started sitting in my garden each day, watching the birds and enjoying nature.I started watching foreign TV shows on Netflix to get my European fix (specifically recommend Call My Agent and The Restaurant… so good!)Do I prefer staying at home and engaging with most of my friends through a screen? Of course not. But for the time being, it has been an intentional way to appreciate the time we have together—and to maintain a positive outlook on life.2. Practice openness and remain flexible with change.This year has taken meaningful things away from us, but it has also given us some incredible gifts as well.For example, in a matter of months, every single company in America became more open to the idea of people working from home. In a matter of months, video conferencing technology went from being a somewhat stigmatized form of communication to an everyday (or every hour) occurrence. In a matter of months, hiring remote employees became a viable option for all sorts of companies, businesses like at-home grocery delivery have accelerated, and entire communities have been created for people to connect from afar.Our world is changing before our very eyes.When things are all doom and gloom, it can be easy to forget the possibility that some of the challenges we’re experiencing right now might actually affect change in a good way. Even though we all love to have in-person experiences and relationships, there is a lot to be said for the ways we’re now able to connect, work, talk, and collaborate from afar. Employers and employees check in on each other differently today than they did a year ago. Friends care a bit more, appreciate each other a bit more, today than they did a year ago. Relationships, although distanced, have also never felt closer.I heard this really interesting Kabbalah recording the very first week of the pandemic, and it was very helpful in terms of framing things for me. There were two key components:One was this concept in Kabbalah called the “Proactive Formula.” It explains that, in all circumstances where you might normally react, you have the opportunity to take a step back and ask how you can be proactive in that circumstance. This allows us to move out of a victim mentality, and instead act from an empowered space.Second was how, in so many cases, some of the biggest creative ideas have come out of moments of desperation—and how, even though pressure feels difficult in the moment, it almost always leads to some sort of breakthrough and positive result.We are feeling this pressure right now, but it’s important to remember the ways in which we are growing as well.And one of my challenges is that I tend to judge myself if I’m not happy and optimistic all the time. That’s not healthy either. It’s ok to feel tortured right now and to acknowledge the reality of that pain. It’s not always about reframing everything in a more positive light. Part of being open to the change is about accepting the good, bad and the ugly. And it’s ok to feel emotions of all sorts along the way.3. Find new ways to practice self-care.Self-care is at the absolute top of the list for “things to do in 2020.”Self-care means different things for different people. It could be as simple as amping up your beauty routine with regular at-home facials. Or a consistent workout regimen (I’m nothing without this). Or quality time with yourself to read and decompress. Or for some, binge-watching a new show on Netflix is self-care. Bottom line: anything goes. It’s about doing something that makes you feel good, cared for, and relaxed.One of my self-care habits has always been my nightly bath. Another is my dance classes (even Zoom dance classes count). Recently, I started incorporating a new self-care routine with my friend, Sheila of @sketchpoetic, which was 21 days of sketching. Every evening, I sketched as a way of expressing my thoughts, releasing the unconscious stuff I’d been carrying around all day onto the page. It’s pretty amazing and I highly recommend it—I definitely expressed and unloaded (and we all have a lot of expressing and unloading to do these days).The reason I am such a big believer in self-care rituals is because, in addition to the benefits of the rituals themselves, we build a consistent practice over time. Our rituals demonstrate commitment...to ourselves. Every time we sit down to do the thing we said we were going to do, we not only are taking care of ourselves in the moment, but we’re training ourselves, making it easier to take care of ourselves again the next day, and the next day—until all of a sudden, self-care has become an integral part of our lives. It’s not some big event we have to force ourselves to do—it starts to happen naturally. The nightly bath (or sketching or reading or meditating) can be just twenty or thirty minutes before bed, the same as any other night.When big events like COVID-19 happen in life, they really put our self-care practices to the test. We’re far better off taking care of ourselves consistently, little by little, day by day, so we can handle anything that comes our way.At the end of the day, COVID-life is challenging. There’s no way around it. But as is always the case, if we can support and take care of ourselves, we will be better both for ourselves and for others… and the world needs us right now.

Many people believe they could improve their lives if only they had more of that mysterious thing called willpower.With more self-control we would all eat right, exercise regularly, avoid drugs and alcohol, save for retirement, stop procrastinating, and achieve all sorts of noble goals. In 2011, 27 percent of Stress in America survey respondents reported that lack of willpower was the most significant barrier to change. The survey asks, among other things, about participants’ abilities to make healthy lifestyle changes. Survey participants regularly cite lack of willpower as the number one reason for not following through with such changes.We have many common names for willpower: determination, drive, resolve, self-discipline, self-control. But psychologists characterize willpower, or self-control, in more specific ways.According to most psychological scientists, willpower can be defined as:The ability to delay gratification and resist short-term temptations to meet long-term goals.The capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling or impulse.The ability to employ a “cool” cognitive reaction instead of a “hot” emotional reaction.Conscious, effortful regulation of the self by the self.A jeweled but limited mental resource capable of being mined and depleted (okay, this is my definition).Willpower is NOT a Fixed Trait!We all wish we could just somehow have an unlimited, indelible supply of willpower – that’d make success inevitable in all areas of our life. It’d be like having a superpower, never feeling compromised when making choices. Fortunately, in the arena of diet and health, we don’t need to rely on willpower to live a proactive way of life in which we’re constantly following through with our food choices. Although it feels like something we have inside, willpower is subject to external events that either are or aren’t beyond your control, which chip away at your reserve throughout the day. For example, whether you’re tired, traveling, in an unfamiliar location, being screamed at by your boss, having relationship issues, etc. etc. etc. – these will all deplete your willpower and will either directly or indirectly influence your food choices. Willpower allows for an element of randomness to predict success...which means it doesn’t work.That’s why you shouldn’t rely on willpower when it comes to losing weight.I coach my clients to create a lifestyle for themselves in which they’ve taken willpower and decision-making out of the equation. We do that by training a routine of consistency that you can rely upon day after day, no matter what’s going on, no matter where you are, no matter the circumstances, no matter if you’re feeling great or a little unsure about yourself, no matter if you’ve fallen off track for a moment—it’s the all-weather, all-seasons approach—so that you'll possess the instincts and wherewithal to lead a sustainably healthy life.You will strengthen willpower by removing it from the conversation altogether. By being strategic with how you go about your day and how you approach your choices, you won’t ever have to rely on willpower to get you by.Here are 7 ways to remove willpower from the conversation altogether and finally master your diet:1) Forward Thinking. A skill that must always be cultivated, so as to anticipate challenges before they arise. Thinking ahead strategically—not idealistically—will set you up for success. Now you can plan for variability; now you can take control of situations before they arise because you already have a plan to manage them. Living healthily isn’t difficult, but it also doesn’t happen by accident.(Questions you should constantly be asking yourself: “When will I go to the grocery store?” “What will I buy there?” “What will I have for breakfast each day this week? For lunch? For dinner?” “What nights do I have social events?” “Where am I going to dinner with my boss tomorrow night? I better check out the menu right now.” “When will I be traveling for work or anticipate having long days out in the field? I better make sure I have transportable snacks so that I’m not tempted by bullshit.” “When is that date with Tom and where are we going? Better scope out that menu…” This is the sort of mental strategizing you should be doing on a daily basis.)2) Weekly Prep: This means mapping out your week and dominating it. Not only are you going to determine when you’re going to the grocery store, but you’re actually going to go! If you know that you need 5 days-worth of dinners, then buy enough for 5 days-worth of dinners. If you’re going to prepare a salad for lunch every day the night before, then be sure to buy all the materials that last you a week! It seems so basic and yet we often look past the basics and stress about the minor details. If you know the week is going to be crazy town, then why don’t you use Sunday to go grocery shopping and cook for the majority of the week? Make a big stew good for multiple nights, or a huge pot of curry with all your favorite proteins. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take long.3) Learn How to Cook. Connect with your food. Handle it. Learning how to cook and take care of yourself in the kitchen is a life skill that every single person on this planet should possess. It’s inexcusable not to. Our ancient and not so distant ancestors would laugh you out of the house (or kill you) if you couldn’t manage rummaging up a quick dinner for the rest of us (let alone yourself). Honestly, all it takes is one pot, one pan, a lid, plate, bowl, fork, knife, and maybe a spoon—less than $100—and you have all you need to dominate. Add a few spices to your shopping list and you’re practically a new human. Buy Tim Ferriss’ The 4-Hour Chef and you’ll be set for life.3) Prioritize. Here’s a test: Your friend calls you on your way home from work. She wants to go to the movies. You’re in. You have to meet her there in 90 minutes. If you only have 90 minutes to do three things: call your boss, go to the gym, make dinner before you arrive at the theatre—which should you do? Realistically you can only do two of them. I guarantee that a lot of you starting from the “Dieting Mentality” would prioritize hitting the gym, especially if that was on your nightly agenda before your friend had called. The multi-taskers we strive to be, you’d then probably call your boss on the way to or from the gym, so that you can quickly come home, shower, change and meet your friend for the movie in time.If you chose gym, you failed the test.The actual answer is to prepare dinner and call your boss. Eating healthily is non-negotiable. There’s nothing that’s more important that filling yourself with something clean and healthy, especially when faced with the prospect of the unknown and likely temptations. (Going to the movies hungry and being bombarded by candy and the elixir smell of popcorn is a sure-way of fucking up. It’s hard enough as it is, and it’s impossible when you’re hungry.) But maybe you REALLY wanted to go to the gym, you’ll argue. Great, you can go to the gym tomorrow and you can plan ahead to make sure there’s enough time for it (if it’s as important as you say it is). Exercise is important but you don’t have to earn your food. Remember, eating healthily is non-negotiable. I imagine your boss, too, is non-negotiable.4) Invest in Not Going Over to the Other Side. I call it “Investing in Not Going Over to the Other Side” because it’s really hard to quantify this sort of accomplishment. You don’t see the payoff, you’re just living in alignment with yourself and following through with your intentions. The opportunity cost of NOT doing this, however, is huge. It’s the food fest + all the self-judgment and self-loathing you feel the next day; it’s the way you treat yourself the next day to “make up for it,” and it’s the incessant mental chatter you experience that pits you against yourself.5) Circumventing Willpower, according to our Daily Anchors. Instead of outthinking or forcibly willing ourselves into a certain attitude or mindset, at a macro level what we’re doing here is identifying healthy choices that support us (our daily “anchors”), and repeat them over and over again so that willpower doesn’t get involved. This process trains the habit of living healthily, one meal at a time. In the above example, that means making sure we eat a healthy dinner. Our meals are non-negotiable. They are our anchors and everything else moves around them.6) Eliminate Decision-Making Fatigue. This eliminates decision fatigue and establishes a daily rhythm of healthy actions that—no matter how we’re feeling—support us and, over time, necessarily change us. Again, in the above example, there’s really no decision to make. You have to prepare your dinner, so the decision has been made. You might feel upset or annoyed for a second that you can’t work out until tomorrow morning, but don’t be mad at dinner – be mad at your boss, if anything! Use it as motivation to wake up early before work to hit the gym (if it’s that important to you). The gym will always be there. In your hierarchy of healthy priorities, Meals > Exercise 100% of the time. That rule is non-negotiable and will set you free.7) Carve Time When It Doesn’t Exist. Rather than making excuses for why you can’t live healthily, own up to the fact that your health is (or ought to be) the single most important concern in your life. You must find the time to care for yourself and prepare for your success, even when time doesn’t seem to exist. How? If that means waking up 15 minutes earlier to prepare a healthy breakfast rather than grabbing a donut on the way to the office then WAKE UP EARLIER. If that means walking during your lunch break because that’s the only time you have for physical activity during the day, then walk during your lunch break. If that means telling your friend you’re going to skip drinks before dinner in order to get a quick workout in, then skip drinks to get a workout in. Commitment takes sacrifice. Mastery takes deep work and deep concentration.

Many people believe they could improve their lives if only they had more of that mysterious thing called willpower.With more self-control we would all eat right, exercise regularly, avoid drugs and alcohol, save for retirement, stop procrastinating, and achieve all sorts of noble goals. In 2011, 27 percent of Stress in America survey respondents reported that lack of willpower was the most significant barrier to change. The survey asks, among other things, about participants’ abilities to make healthy lifestyle changes. Survey participants regularly cite lack of willpower as the number one reason for not following through with such changes.We have many common names for willpower: determination, drive, resolve, self-discipline, self-control. But psychologists characterize willpower, or self-control, in more specific ways.According to most psychological scientists, willpower can be defined as:· The ability to delay gratification and resist short-term temptations to meet long-term goals.· The capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling or impulse.· The ability to employ a “cool” cognitive reaction instead of a “hot” emotional reaction.· Conscious, effortful regulation of the self by the self.· A jeweled but limited mental resource capable of being mined and depleted (okay, this is my definition).Willpower is NOT a Fixed Trait!We all wish we could just somehow have an unlimited, indelible supply of willpower – that’d make success inevitable in all areas of our life. It’d be like having a superpower, never feeling compromised when making choices. Fortunately, in the arena of diet and health, we don’t need to rely on willpower to live a proactive way of life in which we’re constantly following through with our food choices. Although it feels like something we have inside, willpower is subject to external events that either are or aren’t beyond your control, which chip away at your reserve throughout the day. For example, whether you’re tired, traveling, in an unfamiliar location, being screamed at by your boss, having relationship issues, etc. etc. etc. – these will all deplete your willpower and will either directly or indirectly influence your food choices. Willpower allows for an element of randomness to predict success...which means it doesn’t work.That’s why you shouldn’t rely on willpower when it comes to losing weight.I coach my clients to create a lifestyle for themselves in which they’ve taken willpower and decision-making out of the equation. We do that by training a routine of consistency that you can rely upon day after day, no matter what’s going on, no matter where you are, no matter the circumstances, no matter if you’re feeling great or a little unsure about yourself, no matter if you’ve fallen off track for a moment—it’s the all-weather, all-seasons approach—so that you'll possess the instincts and wherewithal to lead a sustainably healthy life.You will strengthen willpower by removing it from the conversation altogether. By being strategic with how you go about your day and how you approach your choices, you won’t ever have to rely on willpower to get you by.Here are 7 ways to remove willpower from the conversation altogether and finally master your diet:1) Forward Thinking. A skill that must always be cultivated, so as to anticipate challenges before they arise. Thinking ahead strategically—not idealistically—will set you up for success. Now you can plan for variability; now you can take control of situations before they arise because you already have a plan to manage them. Living healthily isn’t difficult, but it also doesn’t happen by accident.(Questions you should constantly be asking yourself: “When will I go to the grocery store?” “What will I buy there?” “What will I have for breakfast each day this week? For lunch? For dinner?” “What nights do I have social events?” “Where am I going to dinner with my boss tomorrow night? I better check out the menu right now.” “When will I be traveling for work or anticipate having long days out in the field? I better make sure I have transportable snacks so that I’m not tempted by bullshit.” “When is that date with Tom and where are we going? Better scope out that menu…” This is the sort of mental strategizing you should be doing on a daily basis.)2) Weekly Prep: This means mapping out your week and dominating it. Not only are you going to determine when you’re going to the grocery store, but you’re actually going to go! If you know that you need 5 days-worth of dinners, then buy enough for 5 days-worth of dinners. If you’re going to prepare a salad for lunch every day the night before, then be sure to buy all the materials that last you a week! It seems so basic and yet we often look past the basics and stress about the minor details. If you know the week is going to be crazy town, then why don’t you use Sunday to go grocery shopping and cook for the majority of the week? Make a big stew good for multiple nights, or a huge pot of curry with all your favorite proteins. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take long.3) Learn How to Cook. Connect with your food. Handle it. Learning how to cook and take care of yourself in the kitchen is a life skill that every single person on this planet should possess. It’s inexcusable not to. Our ancient and not so distant ancestors would laugh you out of the house (or kill you) if you couldn’t manage rummaging up a quick dinner for the rest of us (let alone yourself). Honestly, all it takes is one pot, one pan, a lid, plate, bowl, fork, knife, and maybe a spoon—less than $100—and you have all you need to dominate. Add a few spices to your shopping list and you’re practically a new human. Buy Tim Ferriss’ The 4-Hour Chef and you’ll be set for life.3) Prioritize. Here’s a test: Your friend calls you on your way home from work. She wants to go to the movies. You’re in. You have to meet her there in 90 minutes. If you only have 90 minutes to do three things: call your boss, go to the gym, make dinner before you arrive at the theatre—which should you do? Realistically you can only do two of them. I guarantee that a lot of you starting from the “Dieting Mentality” would prioritize hitting the gym, especially if that was on your nightly agenda before your friend had called. The multi-taskers we strive to be, you’d then probably call your boss on the way to or from the gym, so that you can quickly come home, shower, change and meet your friend for the movie in time.If you chose gym, you failed the test.The actual answer is to prepare dinner and call your boss. Eating healthily is non-negotiable. There’s nothing that’s more important that filling yourself with something clean and healthy, especially when faced with the prospect of the unknown and likely temptations. (Going to the movies hungry and being bombarded by candy and the elixir smell of popcorn is a sure-way of fucking up. It’s hard enough as it is, and it’s impossible when you’re hungry.) But maybe you REALLY wanted to go to the gym, you’ll argue. Great, you can go to the gym tomorrow and you can plan ahead to make sure there’s enough time for it (if it’s as important as you say it is). Exercise is important but you don’t have to earn your food. Remember, eating healthily is non-negotiable. I imagine your boss, too, is non-negotiable.4) Invest in Not Going Over to the Other Side. I call it “Investing in Not Going Over to the Other Side” because it’s really hard to quantify this sort of accomplishment. You don’t see the payoff, you’re just living in alignment with yourself and following through with your intentions. The opportunity cost of NOT doing this, however, is huge. It’s the food fest + all the self-judgment and self-loathing you feel the next day; it’s the way you treat yourself the next day to “make up for it,” and it’s the incessant mental chatter you experience that pits you against yourself.5) Circumventing Willpower, according to our Daily Anchors. Instead of outthinking or forcibly willing ourselves into a certain attitude or mindset, at a macro level what we’re doing here is identifying healthy choices that support us (our daily “anchors”), and repeat them over and over again so that willpower doesn’t get involved. This process trains the habit of living healthily, one meal at a time. In the above example, that means making sure we eat a healthy dinner. Our meals are non-negotiable. They are our anchors and everything else moves around them.6) Eliminate Decision-Making Fatigue. This eliminates decision fatigue and establishes a daily rhythm of healthy actions that—no matter how we’re feeling—support us and, over time, necessarily change us. Again, in the above example, there’s really no decision to make. You have to prepare your dinner, so the decision has been made. You might feel upset or annoyed for a second that you can’t work out until tomorrow morning, but don’t be mad at dinner – be mad at your boss, if anything! Use it as motivation to wake up early before work to hit the gym (if it’s that important to you). The gym will always be there. In your hierarchy of healthy priorities, Meals > Exercise 100% of the time. That rule is non-negotiable and will set you free.7) Carve Time When It Doesn’t Exist. Rather than making excuses for why you can’t live healthily, own up to the fact that your health is (or ought to be) the single most important concern in your life. You must find the time to care for yourself and prepare for your success, even when time doesn’t seem to exist. How? If that means waking up 15 minutes earlier to prepare a healthy breakfast rather than grabbing a donut on the way to the office then WAKE UP EARLIER. If that means walking during your lunch break because that’s the only time you have for physical activity during the day, then walk during your lunch break. If that means telling your friend you’re going to skip drinks before dinner in order to get a quick workout in, then skip drinks to get a workout in. Commitment takes sacrifice. Mastery takes deep work and deep concentration.If you liked this answer, I encourage you to take my free online course on building healthy eating habits for life.