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Well, I had a rough day, but I made progress and took initiative to self-soothe, which the oncall crisis therapist even acknowledged me for…Okay.. So first of all, I am going to disable comments. Because I have had a lot of harassers as of lately, and that is not needed with my current state. I do not write on Quora for the satisfaction of others, I mainly write for myself. I also do write to help educate the world that no human inherently is evil and also about spiritualistic matters, but those are the only things that are selfless in which I write for on quora. Quora is my coping mechanism, because I no longer have real life support, having lost my only real life friend Alex. It is a way for me to obtain validation, which because I suffer from borderline personality disorder and validation helps to regulate emotions in BPD, it helps me be more emotionally regulated. Also, it helps me to process my emotions. So.. If reading what I write is a bother to you, just simply do not read what I write and then, no longer will it be bothersome to you. You will see a lot into dynamics of a child abuse victim and mentally ill person by reading what I write and also I feel being exposed to all energies of humanity is highly educational and will only in the end, help you to grow and flourish more so as a human. So.. Please. Just keep all these things in mind.That aside.Well, I for the first time in 9 days, saw my mother. I asked her to come to my crisis shelter because I had run low on several items and also, I wanted to get decor for my room because it is very depressing and just a dull, flat green wall (that similarly resembles the color of bird doodoo in a way)…So, everything was fine. My mother was her usual Gemini, outgoing and hyper self (she’s a Gemini sun AND moon :P) but then, my mother eventually started making judgments, shaming and blaming comments at me which deterred my energy a bit… I told her to stop shaming me and then she told me to stop perseverating and shut me down. She told me that I’m horrible which made me snap at her.. Then, she eventually asked that the music be turnt down in a bitchy way (I was listening to “Suffer Well”, by Depeche Mode). I then eventually snapped and yell-cried broke down.. We argued and she said, “This is why I cannot be living at home.” Her tone was horrible and I even told her “do you hear your fucking tone” and I told her she was causing me to split (which is a defensive mechanism that is apart of BPD that I developed from being abused)… Then she called me a spoiled bitch right before we got out of the car to CVS to get my all natural deodorant and then I called her a cunt licker.. And she kept going on and told me to shut the fuck up.. I recorded all of it, because that is now my defense, since both my parents always try to deny their faults (my mother even made me delete almost all the videos of my father’s abuse) and so me recording them now is a way for me to not only realize that I am not overreacting or imagining things (because my father would always try to gaslight me and say I am “hallucinating” when I call him out on his abuse), they would record me and show psychologists my negative behavior but not ever show their faults, and also, incase I ever get into a legal situation and needed to have evidence of my father’s emotional and physical abuse, and my mother’s poor parenting (which my mother made me delete most of the videos of his abuse, and I only have a few that I backed up to iCloud and google drive). Then she just was bitchy… When we got back into the to the crisis house/facility.. My mother did her usual fake aversion. She became her giggly, extroverted herself again and rid of her bitchiness and combativeness. I immediately called her out in front of the two staff working when she signed me back in and one of the other people staying in the house who happened to be around, and told her, “Though I appreciate you taking me out, do not fucking pretend to be nice. You just called me a spoiled bitch. Stop faking your niceness.” I slapped my hands together and looked at the other girl nearby who is kinda becoming my friend, who said her mother does the same thing, so she gets it. When she left, I told the staff and the girl that my mother was faking her niceness and had called me a spoiled bitch, and I showed them the videos I had recorded of her. I was tearing up.. Then I also said that I felt guilty because I had called her a cunt licker, which the girl said that if she had called her mom that, she “would’ve gotten gotten kicked all the way to Mars”, but she still gets it. In the video, I had said, “You’re making me want to fucking kill myself.” Which staff saw that and I tried to explain that it is apart of my BPD to say that, but they still had to have me talk to the on call therapist just to rule out if I was safe and not an immediate danger to myself. And so… I did talk to the oncall therapist, Karla. I told her how conflicted I felt whilst feeling shame, anger and appreciativeness simultaneously- anger because I hated how my mother said that Shit, I was thankful she came, and I felt guilty for losing control of myself and that my mother had done something nice for me, and I ended up treating her shittily even though I couldn’t help it, despite her also treating me the same. And she validated my emotions and told me to treat myself kindly because I have been abused for all the 19 years of my life I’ve lived and so it will take awhile to unlearn.. And that I should be practicing coping skills whilst stable, to better enhance my distress tolerance, because I then will be able to find them naturally when I do split and get in emotional episodes.. I apologized to my mother..My case manager Adrianne had gotten angry with my mother for her negligence of me.. I had been trying to contact her all week via phone and she just kind of bootlegged me… She finally picked up eventually, but I had called her 14 times and she picked up once and hung up the phone.. Then she eventually just talked to me and came to see me once I told her I’d leave the facility if I didn’t get what I needed.Anyhow.. She was proud that I distracted myself and organized and decorated my room as to distract myself:(Yes, I am Cancer and Taurus dominant, though more so cancer. And then the other pictures just is of a unicorn and memaid on a dolphin)Eventually I would like to go to an art supply store and buy fake flowers and just put them all over and maybe bordering the door hinge and windowsill.. Would be cute if I could got a decorative wateringcan on my nightstand and put fake flowers in it.. I would make my room psychedelic, but.. I think fairy-goddess is more my goal since it would be easier to do.. I would put lights and crystal chains hanging down everywhere to make it look as if it were raining.. I would get my own comforter, but that’d be very costly.. No fish tanks allowed :(( Though, I eventually will be transitioning into another house since my therapist has declared it too unsafe for me to live with my abusive father back at home and therefore cannot return home. If I go home, they will have to call police to do a welfare check if I leave the facility without having a safe residential place to live in… But since the house will be longer term, I am hopeful of getting my own aquarium.. I will argue that it would help my CPTSD and help me to sleep with more ease, since water is very calmative for me and I cannot fall asleep without the sound of it or having plunged in a three-four hour bath beforehand sleeping. Since I also am afraid of physical contact from people I do not full-on trust and am certain will not harm me, the warmness of the water comforts me in its watery embrace, even though arms aren’t wrapped around me.. Oh, how I’ve nearly gotten the feeling of being held within the arms of someone… It’s been years, and I’ve only had it once (which my ex-friend Kashea was the one who provided it) aside from my toddler and infant years. I just am too fearful, now. I am not talking about a hug.. I am talking about being full on cradled away from the world in arms that protect you from falling down into the worlds darkness..I am admittedly crying over this all… I want to cut myself.. I am trying to treat gently to myself, as how Karla (the oncall therapist) had asked of me. I really want to die over my ex-friend Alex and my father…Though I truly am not supposed to have my crystals on me and that was made clear, I snuck in another one that was small and also am gonna hide it as how I explained here:When I go to sleep or do not want them on me, I put them atop the fan, because they are not going to do contraband checks on that, since they cannot reach it and they aren’t going to stand atop my bed at night time as how I do to put them up there, to just check that… I doubt they even check it in the day, because no one really would think to store things up there for one, and second of all, it is almost impossible to sneak things into the facility, unless you are smart.. And well.. I’ve had a rock from outside up there for days now, and it’s never been taken, so… That means they do not check it.The little circular place is where I hide them when I wanna break from having them on me..But yea :,) I always can have good vibes in the room with my hidden crystals.. They are both polished, but eh… It will make do for now (I generally am strict upon only working with raw crystals, but cannot have those always pressed against my skin, as polish is gentler).. Blue Kyanite and the other is a rose quartz. The rose quartz was a gift from the owner of a crystal store, and then the blue kyanite I got tonight.. Then there’s another rock up there I found outside but I don’t really like it and probz will chuck it out.Rose quartz promotes self-love, compassion and acceptance, whilst blue kyanite grounds, encourages fairness and helps with communication.I eventually need to smuggle a black tourmaline in for protection and an Angelite for angelic connection. A moon stone for emotional regulation also would be beneficial to me, a citrine to attract abundance and a raw clear quartz (which tend to be smooth anyhow, so it wouldn’t hurt my skin) to enhance all the energy of the crystals..I have two of my many tarot decks here and I gave the girl I am becoming friends with a reading and she was astounded by the accuracy and said it was exactly what she needed to hear at that exact moment and she took a picture of the cards and wrote down my intuitive interpretation.But yea.. I want positive vibes because it is very hard to live here and I need some positivity in my lifeIt now is January 12th.. Which reads, “Start every day with an attitude of gratitude”.Which… I suppose I am thankful for my online friend Vap.. He has been a huge comfort and support for me and always tries his hardest to help me.. I don’t know what I did to deserve him… I mean.. I never have encountered someone online who is as devoted and determined to help someone to his extent- emailing my mother to educate her about my diagnoses, talking me out of suicide every single day, helping me to cope with harassment online, looking up resources, helping me to locate private information of a drug and alcohol counselor on quora who told me to commit suicide, holding my hand through things that I am not quite ready to ontake my own, keeping my contact info private, reading everything I send him including answers I write on quora which can be many, handling me gently and with care when I am vulnerable or episodic, not taking anything personally, respecting my wishes and not insisting on anything I am uncomfortable with or am against, assuaging my fears and talking them down with considerate logic, requesting the contact information of my casemanger and crisis therapist to help me move into a safe environment and coordinate an aftercare plan with them, spending hours comforting the inner child within me that weeps, helping to dry the blood that drips from my wounded soul, always encouraging me to see the future in a bigger way, when all I see is impossibility with my narrowed vision.. I don’t know what his ulterior motives are, but clearly there must be one for him to put THIS much effort into me.(To keep his privacy, I always block out his and my avatar picture, because the avatar would give away the website, and I don’t want people to look him up and if I showed mine, you can also look him up through mine)Farthest from*I meant spiritual, not specialSo many repeating numbers I’ve seen the from the 11th-12th of this current January time span.. And ironically, they all revolve around 11 and 12…This was 12AM, the other was PM.. as you can see, they have two different percentages, so you know I’m not lyingI think I am going to meditate in my room, under my dream catcher and then write another poem..Ah.. my room looks much more enlightened.Then I have a few tapestries I left in my mother’s car…I had staff make a photocopy of a lemur from my zen coloring book and am working on him and wanna tape him to the door handle so it looks like he’s perching on it eventuallyAfterwards, I’ll relocate my peace banner, so that there’s not an energy clash.. maybe I can move the white board and put my dream catcher there and then put the peace one where the dream catcher is.. though the namaste quote would look better there but it’s in my mother’s car, as is another little mini dream catcher..I think it looks better here: