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This is a real story that happened in the institute. An open discussion between a senior of mine (Sujeet Gholap) from the Department of CSE and a professor that happened almost a year ago. A debate almost equivalent to a fight with a professor, and pop-corn conversation for everyone, with all the fights(?) being cced to the students and faculty mailing list. This made him popular across not just the students but also among the alumni of the institute. Read on.. and this surely might make it to the Last Bencher and must be one of the craziest things people would have done in the institute.The following is an excerpt from his blog post about the same.Why sir don't you understand?My (mis)adventure in आय्यायटी land.When junta was busy mugging for exam, somewhere amidst the ill maintained computers of systems lab, a recipe of mass entertainment was brewing. At what many might call "height of joblessness", I was sitting there reading smail! For the poor ignorant (I mean blissfully ignorant) souls who haven't had the misfortune of knowing and experiencing what smail is, GO GOOGLE IT! Okay, let me save you some trouble, here is what you would see...For the more technically inclined - "smail is what आय्यायटी Madras uses for intra-institute communication" (courtesy: Wearium-Mobster)Here in insti(tute), 5 th semester onwards, students have some courses called "free electives". Various inter-disciplinary (or otherwise) courses are offered by the professors across the insti, in which one can enroll taking that course as a free elective. But as someone wise (?) already famously said, there is no such thing as a "free" elective. For many courses, an approval of the instructor is required before one can register for the course. This is to ensure that the student has the required background for the course. Also, this ensures that classrooms don't overflow for any course (blame the overflowing on Arjun Singh - may he rest in pieces-) and the course functions smoothly. This approval is officially termed as Consent of Teacher or simply COT. A list of all the available courses and whether they require a COT or not is maintained on an internal website, to which all students refer when they want to take a course as a free elective.Enough of background knowledge. Lets dive into the story! Here is a mail which was sent to all the students in the insti.Course. MM **** *************** .Please note that this is a COT course and it will be followed strictly. In case of numbers exceeding the capacity of the class students for this course will be taken on first-come-first-serve basis. In any case signature on the COT form is must.I could not decipher the secret and ultra important message hidden in this gem of a mail. All I could see was repetition of facts already present in the website. After trying various code language deciphering techniques, I finally gave up! Then it dawned on me that the mail might actually be just what it says. I could hear, somewhere distant in my mind, faint cries of "spam! spam!" echoing. Just to be sure, I checked the website, and to my surprise, I found the list of MM department course empty! But still the point remained the same. "Smail is not the right place to tell whether a course requires COT, the website is." That too a mail to all the students? What do 1st and 2nd year students have got to do with free electives and COTs? So I sent the following reply.Respected sir,With respect to the above mail, I checked the electives list at the link -http://academic.****.ac.in/eleclist.htmlFor the department of Metallurgical and Materials Engineering, I found the list to be empty. Now, 2 possibilities arise -The course is newly being offered or there is some problem in the website. In any case, I thought it should be brought to notice so that it gets fixed.The course is not listed there because it is only meant for MM students and thus is detailed on MM department website. In this case, I would humbly like to point out that it would have been much better if the above mail had been posted to the respective department mailing list instead of all the students in the institute.It is disheartening to see that in an institute of "Technology" such crude measures of communication are used. (or in the first case, websites are maintained poorly)I hope that this mail is read in the right light and the right feelings are conveyed.Regards,--Sujeet GholapA student who is repulsed from smail because of spamI tried to write the mail as clearly as possible, making each point clear so that the problem (if at all it is a problem) is understood and action is taken. Beyond my wildest of dreams, of all the infinite responses possible for my mail, I got the following...Dear Mr. Sujeet,Thanks for your mail. I do not know yet what's your connection with this course (whether you have registered, going to register, registered but going to drop or what). If you have registered then let me tell you before you register for a course it's YOURS duty to find out whether the course is a COT course or not. If it is COT then you are supposed to meet the instructor and take his consent. The information regarding this is very well available and I have no idea how "Technology" is not enabling you to access that information. The "crude measure" aka the mail was just to reinforce this COTrequirement because there are people like you who take things for granted and register for a COT course without the knowledge of the instructor even in his/her wildest of dreams.Let me also tell you if a B.Tech student wants to register for an M.Tech course as in this case the COT is a MUST. I also wish to tell you that I am not taking any B.Tech for this particular course because of high demand of this course in the graduate level across the institute.Apart from all the students, the above mail was also sent to all the faculty members! The mail starts with "I don't know what you have got to do with this course"! I believed that knowledge of the Latin alphabet and that of the English language is all that is required to get the answer to that question from my mail. Although the soundness of the latter can be doubted if one gives too much importance to (obviously a typo, isn't it?) "... it's YOURS duty to..." and tries to conclude something from it. I didn't! Instead I sent another mail...Respected sir,From the above reply which you sent, it is clear that what I want to convey was totally different from what got conveyed. At the risk of sounding rude (which I am not, as I have utmost respect for you), let me put it straight.The course you are talking about is not there in the institute list of electives. Hence we students don't even know such an elective exists. So either the site it outdated (which I wanted to bring to your notice) or it is a department specific course, if that were so, why was a mail regarding the course sent to all the students of institute instead of the particular department specific mailing list? I totally understand that such things happen inadvertently, but nonetheless it is spam.I would also like to point out certain things."...because there are people like you who take things for granted and register for a COT course..."The statement is downright personal, accusatory and makes sweeping generalizations."...before you register for a course it's YOURS duty to find out whether the course is a COT course or not." Although I got the correct meaning that you are not shouting at me, in emails, generally all capital letters is considered as shouting / yelling. Words can be emphasized by making them bold, or placing a pair of * around them. It is always better to avoid misunderstandings, isn't it? (http://www.dynamoo.com/technical/etiquette.htm)I am cc-ing the faculty mailing list, as I thought it would be rude if I don't, because although the reply you sent was personal to me, it was sent to faculty mailing list also, and I guess you think it is important to involve other faculty members in this conversation and hence you chose to include them.See, the point is, the mail was sent to everybody, not just me. I know that the prof(essor) did not mean to shout at me. But it was no longer only about me and him, was it? The whole insti (that is, the people who stillread smail) was watching the drama (and having fun I guess). You must understand that it was out of concern for the prof, that I mentioned email etiquette. I don't want others to think that the prof is shouting at me while he does not mean to, do I?If only I had looked at my inbox before hitting the send button, the above mail would have been totally different. During the time I was writing the above reply, another faculty member had sent me a mail pointing out that the website was working! Now only a time machine could have helped me. Here is the mail by the other faculty member, with my reply interleaved...Dear Sujeet,Sorry, I am not able to understand the problem here. I can clearly see the entire list of electives from MME by clicking on the same link provided by you (there are 21 electives from MME listed here) and I have copy-pasted the list from the website.I am really sorry and deeply regretful and full of shame for what happened and although I don't know how it happened, at the time of sending the mail, I had looked at the list, and it was empty even after refreshing 3 times. It was a mistake on my part to not check the site in a different browser, or on a different computer or at a different time, I regret beyond any measure about that.So, maybe it would have been simple and prudent for you to wait before you make a complaint about "technology" or "crude measures of communication" and pass harsh judgements, without even identifying yourself properly.In any case, I still don't understand how does sending a mail "COT is required" tell anything different from what is already being conveyed in the elective list? (apart from adding one more mail to read in the inbox).Regards and apologies,--Sujeet GholapAs it turned out later, the list was actually empty for quite a long time. The person who fixed the page (before the prof pointed out that is it working) did not acknowledge that there actually was a fault in the website. And what a way of fixing a page! A new page with the complete list was created and was linked to from the website. The old, empty page still exists and can still be accessed with its address. It is just not linked from the website anymore, that's it.And as expected or rather dreaded, within 15 minutes, another reply from the first prof was waiting in my inbox.Dear Mr. Sujeet,I hope by now you have read Prof. <name removed>'s mail which clearly shows the information that you wanted is available. The CAPITAL letters were to tell you that what someone is supposed to as per well defined and practiced rules. If someone is not doing that then of course things are taken granted for - There is no question of being "personal, accusatory" or "shouting / yelling". Outright baseless accusations like "Technology" "crude measures of communication "were actually hurled by which I am going to take up with Dean Students separately.Regarding your accusations of spamming someone's mail box - It was necessary to send the mail to all the students as it is an interdisciplinary course and students from many other departments take this course. Again please verify your data before outright accusing anyone.Sending the mail to all faculty- your personal reply to me was copied to all students so my "personal" reply to you was copied to all faculty. Faculty and students are anyway complimentary each other, isn't it?See! He still did not get the point.Oh and please don't get me started on the "technology" here. That demands another blog-post in itself. Let me give one example of how "advanced" and "state of the art" is the technology being used here...One fine day, all of us got an email saying that the administration needs our data. We were presented with a huge online form, which included fields from roll number and name to parent's occupation and recent photograph to passport details. Such a huge form, and you must fill it in one go! Can't save the progress! That would have been even bearable, but no. When you click submit, some random error would occur (unless my case was an exception - that too twice) and the form will go blank and we have to start over again. After successfully completing the herculean task of filling the form, we stupid students hoped that they won't need any more data ever again. Yes, stupid we were! Next semester, to get a digital (magnetic, to be more specific) mess card, we were told to submit hard copy of our photographs. You won't believe what they were doing to the photographs... There was a lady sitting in front of a computer, scanning one photograph at a time, retouching it in some software if need be, and uploading it somewhere (from where it will be printed on our digital cards). No wonder in such a place eyebrows will be raised if one talks about technology not being used properly! Why in the world would students want to upload their own photos? If they do, how are we supposed to waste the ink that would have gone into getting them printed? What will the poor lady do? Won't her exceptional skills at photoshop go wasted? And most important of all, what the hell to do with the time and money saved?Now that you have got the taste of the technological advancements here, lets get back to the smail story. I had lost all sanity and hope of getting the point across. But then, another mail in my inbox and I realized that not everything is lost. The second prof (the only one who ever understood the point I was making) had sent me another mail. Here is that mail ...Dear Sujeet,Thanks for your mail and there is no need to be so very apologetic about it! Yes, I understand that things do happen and many a time we (me included) tend to react in a knee-jerk fashion. It is without doubt quite a mystery as to how the electives appeared when I clicked on the link, but did not when you had checked. Guess, one can always blame it on the "gremlins" in the system!On a different note, there is sometimes a need to advertise a course and also drive home the fact that although it is, in a manner of speaking, "open" to all, it does require some background and, therefore, a teacher's consent. Of course, it does not convey anything more (or different) from what is already conveyed in the elective list. But as you saw from your recent experience, the electives never got displayed (at the time you checked) and, in the same way, a faculty may not know whether the information concerning his/her course has been communicated to the students! So, what do you think would be a good way to handle this? You guys are all quite tech & internet savvy and perhaps would have a simple solution to it. And if you have one, we could try implementing it and see if that works. The obvious answer is, of course, to make sure that the websites are updated instantly and constantly, but sometimes that does not happen (the recent issue being a case in point). Perhaps, having a link on the electives list webpage could be a possibility where the faculty could enter details, such as course information and COT requirements without having to send a mail?Yes, I am adding one more mail to read in your inbox, but I am really interested in seeing if there are some simple suggestions and methods to sort such issues. Let me know if you have an idea and I will certainly take it up in the department/Institute.Finally something which was to the point, was devoid of personal hatred, something which did not look down upon students. Now I know how the insti is still functional! Thanks to the sane people like this! I replied promptly. And the prof replied saying that the solutions I suggested will be discussed and seriously considered. But as the reply is not very entertaining and as it does not exactly fit the negative-sarcastic tone of this post, let me not put it here.Aftermath : Once threatened with action involving the dean and all, I just gave up! Went to the prof involved, apologized. Met the dean, apologized again, kept my calm when statements like "Just because you are in CS, does not give you any right to talk about technology..." and "Give me some time and I will find 100 faults with guys like you..." were made. When I opened my mouth to explain myself I was shouted at "DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!" Here is the interesting part : All this shouting thinking that I am a student who is interested in that course and want a COT! Did you really infer that from my mails?Wait! What story is it if it does not end with a twist? Yeah, this one has got a twist too! After I had calmed everything down with apologies, next day, there is the following mail staring at me...Dear <my faculty adviser's name>Can you please advise the student not to pull this simple issue any longer? Thanks. (see the mail quoted below)Sincerely<faculty in charge of smail>________________________________From: <some name, which is not sujeet gholap> [*******@gmail.com]To: <the two profs involved>Subject: Re: [Mtech] [Students] [Faculty] [Btech] MM ****_COT requirementGet a room guys. Smail is not a medium for M&M faculty to threaten students. Why do you send all these shit to everyone. Blowing your own trumpet about the high demand for your course itself was inappropriate in the first place. Hundreds of courses are offered in our institute every sem and most are so called 'interdisciplinary'. If mass mailed that is statistically significant amount of spam, even our dean would agree. Smail is supposed to be moderated. I wonder how this is happening.The man is a prof himself, can see clearly that the offensive mail was not sent by me. The entire conversation was openly available to any student, and still, holding me responsible, he sends a mail to my faculty adviser citing a mail by someone whom I don't even know. Didn't he get from my previous mails what kind of language I use? I googled for the sender of the offensive mail (guess the smail in-charge uses ultra advanced technology which is not compatible with simple googling). The sender of the offensive mail has already passed out of the insti!I called the smail in-charge and explained. His reaction was "He is a pass-out you say, then how come he is still getting smail?" Wow! That is our smail in-charge asking me how old students' ids are still there in the smail lists! Talk of technology...Disclaimer : The views in this post are personal to the author and bear no connections whatsoever with any organizations of any kind. The author makes no claims regarding the factual correctness of any text in this post. This post is, to the author's best knowledge, a work of fiction and any resemblance of any character or organization to any real world person or organization is purely unintentional and just a coincidence.

I have a couple of houses I rent in California and Nevada, houses I bought for my residence and decided to rent instead of selling when I relocated. I have had it take six months to get one particularly resourceful criminal out of my house. This particular criminal - let’s call her “Trish” - because that is her name - had been living in the house with her boyfriend, but they broke up and he was moving on, and she asked if she could rent the house in his stead. He had been renting from me for five years, and had been a great tenant, so I didn’t imagine it would be a problem… she had been living there with him for a couple of years, off and on.So she already had possession of the house when we met at the house, filled in the lease agreement, and everyone signed it. It was the middle of the month, and the rent was paid to the end of the month by my previous tenant, so she said she’d mail a check to reach us by the first and we left it at that.The first month’s rent - which was to include a deposit - bounced, and I couldn’t reach Trish… she didn’t respond to my phone calls or email. After nearly three weeks she called and apologized and said she had been traveling, but she’d include all three checks in her next month’s payment. The second month she claimed she had sent the check for both months and the deposit “a few days ago… just give it a week and if it’s not there I’ll cancel the checks and send new ones.” Long story short - we never received even one payment from her.Sooooo - she’d been in the house for two weeks on her ex’s dime, then for a month and a half on mine - and now it was nearly Christmas and I was in New York for the holidays - clear across the country. By the time I got home she had been living on my dime for well over two months, and her excuses - and my patience - had run thin. I don’t make money on my rentals - I just use the rent money to pay the mortgage - so this wasn’t working for me.I live in the Bay Area - 4.5 hours (with traffic) from the rental, so I hired a local paralegal to fill out and post a three-day notice to pay rent or quit… then waited three days. The same paralegal then got the earliest court date - three weeks out. And the paralegal - who was great - served Trish.On Court Day Number One, I drove the 4.5 hours to get to court and was sent to mediation. After several hours of back and forth in two separate rooms, the mediator told us there was no way to settle the case. She claimed to the mediator that I owed her $10,000 for work she had done to the house, and she felt the house now should belong to her, and she shouldn’t have to pay rent. We went into the courtroom and the mediator told the judge he would have to hear the case… but now, of course, it’s nearly quitting time, so the judge gave us a new court date.Court Date Number Two - two weeks later. And another nine hours (round trip) of driving. When our case was called, Trish claimed she had worked on the property and had spent $10,000 on my house, cleaning, fixing things, painting - basically doing work that she was not authorized to do. This was particularly ironic, since she had been living in the house for several months with her boyfriend before he moved out, so any “clean up” work she did was just cleaning up after herself and her live-in. The judge asked her for receipts, but she “didn’t bring them to court.” The judge told her to bring her receipts the next time and set a new hearing for two weeks out.Court Date Number Three: At the next hearing there was a new judge. The tenant called the court and said she was unable to attend as her son was ill. The judge canceled the hearing and set another hearing for the next week. My husband and I drove back home. Another day out of work, another day in the car in traffic between Chico, CA and the Bay Area.Court Date Number Four: The next week the original judge is back. When he asked Trish for her receipts she pulled out a paper grocery bag full of what appeared to be trash and dumped it out on the table. My husband picked up one receipt - it’s for a kid’s meal at McDonalds. She claimed the meal receipts were for her paying friends who worked on the house with food - to save me money! The judge told her she had to 1) type up her receipts and 2) Get them to me a minimum of 24 hours before the next hearing. He set another trial date, three weeks out, as the court was backlogged.It was now nearly three months since I posted the three-days notice on her door, and she’s been living rent-free in my house for nearly six months . . . I have taken the day off work and driven nine hours to court and back four times. And we haven’t even begun to have an entire hearing.Court Date Number Five: At the next hearing we are to begin at 1 PM, after lunch. Whew! A much better leaving time for that 4.5 hour drive! We were there early, but Trish was nowhere to be seen. The judge called roll and after finishing with the roll call tells us our case will not be heard that day, as Trish had called in that morning with the same excuse - her son was sick. He set another hearing for the next week at 10 AM. That means I’ll have to leave home around 5 AM to guarantee I’ll be there in time for the hearing.Court Date Number Six: At the next hearing my husband (what a trooper!) and I were there at 9:30 - no Trish. I still have not received any receipts nor list of receipts from her, despite the judge ordering her to provide them. The judge called roll, and she was not there. He told us Trish had called the courthouse again to say her son was sick and she had to pick him up from school, and asked if I would agree to postpone the hearing to another day. He said she would find a sitter and come in the afternoon if the hearing couldn’t be postponed.I explained that this was the sixth time I’d driven 4.5 hours to come to court, and that she had never paid ANY rent at all, ever, as her first rent check had bounced, along with her deposit.The judge said he understood, and he would postpone the hearing until 4 PM, at which time he would hear the case whether she was there or not. My husband took me for a leisurely lunch, then we came back to court.She was a no-show, so the judge heard my side of the story and then rendered a judgment of around $11K in my favor for back rent and damages. When we got out of court it was 4:45 PM, so we were pressed to try to get through the line at the clerk’s window so we could avoid having to make that drive again to get the paperwork filed for the judge’s signature.While we stood in line at the clerk’s window, who should appear but Trish! Dressed to the nines, like a lawyer, ahead of us in line for another clerk. She was pretending to be an attorney who had come by to pick up the judgment for her “client.”My husband ran back to the courtroom and told the Bailiff she was at the courthouse at the clerk’s window. The bailiff went into chambers and told the judge. The judge was so irritated he stayed late to sign our judgment that day so we could move forward without waiting the several days it generally takes to get the paperwork filed and the judgment signed.Although we got the judgement that same day (Thursday was eviction-hearings-day at that particular courthouse), we could not have her evicted until the Wednesday two full weeks after the judgment was issued - which really meant one day shy of three weeks. That was 1) to give her time to file an appeal if she was going to, and 2) Evictions only happen on Wednesday. So you see, even by the choosing of days to hear evictions and days to serve evictions, landlords are at a disadvantage in California, adding nearly another month to the half a year of free rent she had already stolen.We hired the local sheriff to serve the eviction notice, and she had, if memory serves, 48 hours once the notice was served before the sheriff came back to actually evict her. It was literally MONTHS after the first three-day notice to quit was tacked to the front door.At 11 PM the night before she was to be evicted she called me, crying, begging to be given another two weeks so she could have time to move all her stuff out. “What will my children do without their toys?!”Of course, this was just a ploy to start the clock all over again. I refused, and advised her to gather anything important to her and her children that night, as the Sheriff had told us he would be there first thing the next day to evict her, forcibly if need be.And the plot thickens. My husband showed up at 9 AM to be there when the Sheriff arrived. She had packed NOTHING, but left with a friend and her purse. She called me later that day and asked when she could come back to pack up and move the entire 3-bedroom house of her belongings. My husband agreed to drive the 9 hours once again, and meet her the following Saturday at 9 AM. I told her he would be there from 9 AM to 8 PM and advised that she have some help to move, since she had a lot of heavy furniture, large screen TVs, etc., and NOTHING had been packed… the house was full.When he showed up that Saturday - having left the house at 4:30 AM to arrive by 9 - she was a no-show. The driveway was gated with a heavy metal gate, which the Sheriff had locked, so we knew she hadn’t been there to get her things, and the house was still full. My hubby started packing the small things up, to move to storage, and was there until noon, when he went to get something for lunch. Trish called while he was at lunch and said she was at the house - where was he? He left his lunch and drove back to the house, but - again - she wasn’t there. He texted her to say he would stay until 5 PM, and then he was going back home, after hiring a moving company to move her things to storage. He informed her if that happened she would have to pay for the mover and the storage to get her belongings back. Then he started looking online for a local moving and storage place.Then around 1 PM it got really crazy. . . a woman - the “friend” who had been with her when the sheriff came to evict Trish - came to the house and asked if she could get HER things. My husband said sure, and she went in with a suitcase and packed up some clothes and makeup. He went in the house with her to make sure she didn’t take Trish’s things - which we were responsible for at that point.While packing she told him Trish had hired her as a nanny. Trish had promised her $1,400/month in pay and free room and board just two weeks prior. The poor woman had quit her job and vacated the room she had been renting, and was now out of work and homeless. Trish had completely fooled her, ruined her life, and boy was she mad.She pulled some papers out of a pile in the kitchen and handed them to my hubby. They were the rental papers for all the furniture, the two 70″ TVs, and the computer in the kitchen. Trish had scammed the rental company and never made a payment. They had been trying to repossess their furniture and electronics for months, but she kept the gate at the top of the driveway locked so they couldn’t get in.My husband called them, explained the situation, and they were there within 15 minutes… in a huge truck, with two big guys up front. They backed up to the house and had all the furniture/etc… in the truck in about a half an hour. They were just that good.At 2 PM, just as they were finishing up - guess who pulled into the driveway! Yep! It was Trish - in a little BMW (which we later discovered had been “borrowed” from a repair shop by a repairman she was dating. The car had been brought in for servicing, and she had talked the guy into letting her drive it, “until the owner came to pick it up.” The repairman was fired and arrested for auto theft. But I digress (truth - stranger than fiction…).Trish was apoplectic. Her “nanny” was equally furious. The two women started screaming at each other, then Trish started screaming at my husband - how dare he give HER belongings away!You might notice this was a pattern for her - she had told the mediator and the judge the house should be hers because she cared about it more than I did - And then one of the guys in the truck called the police, because, hey! this wasn’t Jerry Springer enough already!The cops knew exactly who she was, as she had had not one but TWO bench warrants out for her arrest, since she hadn’t shown up for a DUI hearing on two occasions after being released on her own recognizance at her first hearing.The police parked in the opening in the gate so no car could pull out. When she saw them she went running back inside the house and locked the door. My husband gave one of the policeman the key and they went in and brought her out in cuffs … put her in their patrol car, and off to the pokey she went, hi ho, hi ho.Leaving us with a house full of clothing, toys, a lot of legal paperwork, a fridge full of food, and a lot of garbage.The cops promised to bring her back to get her car when she was released, so my husband gave them the combination to the lock on the gate so they could let her in and get “her” car out. Sadly, when she got out a couple of days later they couldn’t drive her back to get the (stolen) car, because her license had been suspended. So she came back on her own and broke the expensive heavy metal gate by prying at it with a crowbar until the hinges broke off. If only the rental company had thought of that!Once she was booked and made bail, and she had broken our gate to pick up the stolen Beemer, she disappeared. Her kids had been given back to their fathers while she was in jail, and we’ve been unable to find her since. We have a judgment of around 12K now - with interest - but it’s not collectible. There is still a bench warrant out for her arrest. She abandoned her belongings and we disposed of them a couple of months later after putting the requisite ads in the local paper. The only thing of value left in the house had been a generator, but someone contacted us to get it back, as it turned out she had stolen it, too.She had painted several rooms in my house BLACK, so I had to pay someone to repaint. And a welder to fix the gate - not as good as new, but it was functional.And the kicker? I found out about a month later that she had put a mechanic’s lien on my house for 10K! I had to have a lawyer deal with that.I know landlords are pretty universally despised, but I’ve never taken advantage of any renter. Although I’ve been taken advantage of more than once.And the house? My first, my favorite, and the one I thought I would retire to? It burned down in the Paradise Camp Wildfire in November 2018, less than a year after getting rid of Trish. The town is pretty much gone. The water is poisoned, and there is no electricity, so there will probably be no rebuilding it within my lifetime.But - look at the bright side! I guess I won’t have any more renter problems . . .My kitchen, after remodeling, shortly before Trish moved in. . .My son - a self-proclaimed “Balloonatic” - in our garden behind the creek. The cat - a wandering wild cat tamed by my son when it was a kitten - was taken in by an elderly neighbor. I never knew her name, but we used to pick apricots for her every summer for years, and we would visit her - and our cat - every month or so, just to keep company. I’ve been unable to locate her since the fire, and have no idea if she (or our cat) made it out or not. I try not to think about that.What was left of my house when allowed to come back to the property a couple of months after the Paradise Camp Fire. Look at the dead tree forming a “V” just above the two burnt-out center cars… The above photo of my young son was taken just behind that tree.

Breakup-Move on phases explained. #worth a readDenial->Anger——>Grief—>Acceptance———>Move OnIntroductionThis is the first time ever I would be expressing my story in writing. I would not like to post and describe the characters as Anonymous since I want my past to be presented transparently. The breakup phase is a bitter experience and it cannot be simplified ever. But if my experience can ever present itself as an empathy or help to any individual, I will be happy to discover that the bitterness has a higher purpose.#lengthy scribble warningHow we met?Charu is my first and only girlfriend I had till date. We met in our graduation college in Calcutta. She was an year junior to me. We met on a random day in the college library and became friends. Few months after we met, I took the initiative, kept my cool and did some hard work for few months and thence began our 3.5 years of relationship. The details of how things got materialized are best left for another relevant post.Honeymoon phase - College lifeI spent one of the best 2 years of my life in college. We were both deeply in love. Her house was just a 10 min walk from my home and our college was also a 10 min walk from each others house, in another direction. That was a very big advantage. We were almost always together. We were so used to each other's companionship that when I used to visit my native, there used to be a sudden and big void in both of our lives. We browsed the streets of Calcutta, every nook and corner, just walked holding hands and spent hours under the beautiful shady gardens of Victoria Memorial. Life seemed lovely.Honeymoon phase - Long DistanceIn the ending moments of my college life, I got placed in a company and had to move out to Chennai for the job. A distance of 1400 kms. In India, this is a huge distance. She was very upset for me having to move away but happy as well since it was a decent opportunity. And hence started the long distance phase of our relationship which lasted an year. I was told by friends and read around that long distance relationship does not work, so I made it a point to be an exception to this trend. I managed my work life and leaves in a way that I was able to make 8 visits in one calendar year. An average visit every 1.5 months.Long duration phone calls, sms, chats, skype, letters, emails and frequent visits, long distance was just a definition. Couple of times, I did not notify her of my visit to Calcutta and would show up on her door suddenly, unannounced. Her face used to fill up with utter excitement and I used to relish the expression. I was the perfect boyfriend, she used to say. I was proud of myself as well. It was lovely.We had our share of little misunderstandings as evident in every practical relations, but we were "happy". Our marriage was an obvious event. She wasn't very bright individual or utterly beautiful, but I was contended and fond of her. I am a good human, career concerned and foresighted and she was fond of it. Few months into my career, while she was in her final year of college, we started talking about marriage seriously. I was already close to her family but in the subsequent visits I made to see her, I tried to get closer to her family, to her mother, to her father. They liked me as well. I was a welcome guest.Few weeks before her college ended, she got placed in a good company with joining in Bangalore. We both were overjoyed since Bangalore is few hours journey from Chennai and her career was on a good start as well. I started preparing myself for my first career switch and decided to move over to Bangalore.In my second last visit to Calcutta, I decided to introduce her to my family. I was from a traditional middle class family and love marriage was kinda strict, but I decided to take the risks and introduce her - it was time. My family was on a visit to Calcutta at that time. It was a ripe moment. We decided the day, the date, the restaurant for the meet. What she should wear? What she should do? What she should not do? We planned everything. Our moment of truth was near. Her birthday was close too.The problemShe did not have many friends in college. So, after I left college and went for work, she was kinda alone, without much company. I was not a typical boyfriend who would stalk her mails or fb profile, suspect her of anything, or do any funny business. I had full faith on her. She too shared the details of any events happening with her, any new people she met or anything. Our communication was transparent. It was lovely. Couple of weeks before I was supposed to come to Calcutta to introduce her to my family, she mentioned a guy she had started communicating with. She used to blabber some stuffs. I was least bothered and kept myself occupied with the family rendezvous and any subsequent backlashes from family. In fact, I was working on some random plan B.A few before our rendezvous, I noticed a sudden change in her voice. It was already 3.5 years into our relation and I knew her through and through. The change in voice and response style was too intimidating to ignore. I started panicking. One day I discussed my observations with her and she immediately corrected me saying it was nothing and I should not be bothered. I thought I was over-reacting and unnecessarily suspecting my dear wife.( Yes, that's what I had started calling her by then). But deep inside my heart, I knew something was not right. Something heavy was happening. I used to ponder over and over again.A week before our family rendezvous, a day before her birthday. She called me over and asked me to come over skype. She looked undecided. I asked her the problem. She was silent for a long time and then in the faintest of her voices, she replied, " I am in love with the guy"DenialI was crestfallen. My heart did not want to believe what she was saying but my mind knew she was telling the truth. It was an agonizing night where I found myself repeatedly asking her if I had made any mistake or I went wrong somewhere. I was in no position to accept what she said. This went on for a long time that night. Frequently I found myself covered in tears. The night seemed to last forever. She was gone, forever.I woke up the next day early morning and for a moment thought it was a bad dream. But I saw my laptop kept open, the webcam attached and the skype still logged in, and knew the bad dream is indeed a reality. I made up my mind to visit Calcutta on that day itself. It was her birthday as well. I thought of giving it another shot. I went to office for a face to face discussion with my TL, explained her of an ugent situation and showed her the flight tickets. I left out the details. She was kind and granted me the leave. I took off for Calcutta.I reached Calcutta by late noon. I called her up from the airport and engaged her in conversation while sitting on the bus. I asked stuffs like, "Do you wish to see me on your birthday" & "What if I suddenly come in front of you". To this she replied that she was more interested in the other guy and would not wish to be with me on the day. It was a cruel reply. I felt like returning back to Chennai at the immediate moment but I knew it was too late for that I would have to meet her. I told her of my visit over the phone and asked her to come to South City Mall ( very famous in Calcutta, very near to our college, and the place where our love evolved).I met her after around an hour. Our eyes met with blank expressions. I wanted to scream at her with all my might, but it was her birthday, she was 23. I stopped in between my travel from airport to the mall and customized a red rose bouquet with 23 flowers and a handful of rose petals. I took her to the roof of the mall (it wasn't allowed but we used to sneak there often) and showered the rose petals and greeted her with the rose bouquet and greeted Happy Birthday. She just smiled, there was no love in that smile.I booked a table for two and before she could start anything, I simply asked - "What's my fault? Where am I wrong?". First she cried for quite some time. People around me started looking at me in curious ways, but I was least bothered. My life was shattering in front of my eyes. She said sorry countless times in between her cries. She settled after some time and then started describing the other guy, his looks, his personality, his blah, his blah. She was clearly smitten. But I was stubborn too. I would not let her go without any fight. The other guy in question did not have a great family background, nor had a great college history and mostly indulged in alcoholic drinks and Ganja (Cannabis drug, a form of Marijuana). I was the exact opposite of him. I reasoned with my girlfriend about the difference between me and him. About how she would have a better life and stability and family and prosperity being with me than being with him. But she argued every point. She took his side on every argument I presented. This went on and on for a long time. I came back to Chennai next day. She came for a see-off, told me she is sorry that she wronged me and would like to be my "friend" forever.Back at Chennai, things were worse. Without even realizing, a week passed and my time for planned visit to Calcutta came, the time for family rendezvous. I cancelled all those plans. And while I was there, gave another unwilling try to revive our old relation. I spent time with her, visited old places we visited together before, talked about things. For a moment everything seemed normal and I quickly realized that this time though, she was spending time with a "friend". Things were obvious in her behavior but I tried not to burst out. Few days later, I came back to Chennai, still unconvinced that she was no more mine, still unable to bring myself to the reality, still giving halfhearted tries, still wishing all these were part of a bad dream, still wishing that she would realize her mistake and would come back running to me. Alas, only blank wishes!AngerFew weeks after the denial phase, came the anger phase -- Why did she do this to me? Why did she have to do this to me? What made her do this to me? Why? But why? Whywhywhy??? I used to remain occupied most of time with these questions to myself. I used to remain angry most of the time. Weeks and weeks of sleepless nights spent with anger thoughts. I am usually a very relaxed and calm person and was surprised at the amount and the duration of anger I was capable of generating. Waves and waves of subsequent anger. During these times, we used to talk occasionally. I used to keep the conversations short for the fear of me bursting out at her. I still cared for her, dunno why, dunno how, but I did.GriefJust when it seemed anger is set to leave me, the grief was ready and waiting to hit me. The questions which presented itself in angry form suddenly took a grieving form and started bothering me again. But this time, the questions were directed towards myself. What did I do? What did this happen to me? Where was I wrong? I was sad. I was unhappy most of the time. I didn't enjoy anything at all. Again, I spent weeks of sleepless nights. I was out of energy. At times, I found myself drifting towards her thoughts. At times, I couldn't control myself and called her up. Only to be rendered more grieving after the call. It was agonizing, it was painful. It drained me of all the good things I had.But as is said, every bad thing is followed by good things. My process of job switch was still on. And suddenly, I was able to pull off an amazing interview and landed an amazing job at Bangalore. But wait, more bad things were yet to come. In the meantime, she had started working in Bangalore as well. Our dream of spending our professional life in Bangalore materialized. Both were now set to work in Bangalore but under very different circumstances.On the day of joining, I left Chennai and stepped into Bangalore with heavy heart. My office was amazing, with position as a Casino Slot Game Developer, the office environment was too good. Music overflowing. I wanted to feel awesome but I couldn't. I met my old school buddies at Bangalore. I wanted to feel overjoyed, but I couldn't. I was incapable of feeling happy. That emotion had dried off me. Midst of all these, she came to know about my move to Bangalore. Her office was within a couple of kilometers from my office. It was an agonizing fact to discover. She demanded a meeting. I was undecided but I couldn't deny her. I met her for 10-15 mins and then left citing office work, but in reality I was free. Seeing her face was too much for me. It was unbearable.The same night, I tried to take another attempt. Don't know why this thought wandered into my mind. Maybe after seeing her face in person drove me into this desperation. Anyway, I called her up, asked her to forget everything, all past, all troubles, and come over to start afresh. Start a new phase of our relationship in a new city, with new hopes, with new beginning. She denied, citing she was already in a relationship. But she would be eager to remain friends with me. I disconnected the call immediately. It was stupid thing to ask and I felt anger over my own stupidity and self respect.I got back into the cycle of anger and grief over a period of next few days. My awesome job, in my favourite city, amongst my closest childhood friends with awesome salary. None of them were able to make me happy. I was deprived of the ability to feel happy.AcceptanceMy period of worst phase was long. But long is not infinite. That's why the two words are different. My office had a branch in Chennai as well. And I discovered an open position in Chennai. I considered all the possibilities against my mental state and decided to apply for that position. It was just 2 weeks I had left Chennai but suddenly I felt eager for that position. Something told me things would get fine if I get back to Chennai. It was an urgent opening. I applied for it and it got approved immediately. I got all packed up and left Bangalore. On that night, before boarding the inter-city bus, I sent her a text notifying about my decision. And switched off my mobile.I reached Chennai the next morning and felt a sudden freshness. It was the same city I had known for 1.5 years. I opened my cell and saw missed calls from her. She was little upset about me leaving Bangalore suddenly and wanted to "talk".( A little background info. I am a very resourceful person. Maybe not too much in terms of monetary but in being informative and getting this done. I helped her a lot in college, helped her in placements and numerous uncountable other things. I was everything for her.).Anyway, she called me up and we did talk. She was surprised about my sudden move back to Chennai and wanted a reason. She kept on blabbering about how she always wanted me to be friend. And would hate me going away from being friend. She felt little insecure about suddenly losing her resource pool. On a rather funny note, midst of all these talks, I asked in a sarcastic way if she needs me because I am very valuable, to which she said yes. (Yeah!).I felt powerful for the first time in over 6 months. And I felt myself smiling for the first time, though in a very evil way.Moving OnI wanted to capitalize on this very nascent change. I felt little energetic on a miniature level. The Anger-Grief cycle was still inside me, but I needed something to vent out. I realized that more I kept myself occupied, the less my mind wandered to old thoughts. I was in need of new stuffs, new activities, new engagements.I reached office and saw a Table Tennis(pong) board. I never held a TT bat in my life but that day, I took up a playful session. I chose TT to be my distraction. I took up serious self practice sessions in the after office hours. And after an year later, I was runners up in the doubles TT tournament held in office. It was a big thing for me and shocked everyone around. A win-win situation for me.Parallely, I introduced myself to running at Terry Fox charity runs - 6 kms. I found it a great way to vent out build up energy and negative thoughts inside me. I found running very captivating for me. Few months after that, I ran my first 10K at Chennai marathon. I was unstoppable after that and took part in numerous countrywide events with short and long runs, including a half marathon and a triathlon. I was on top of myself. These are my trophies and I take my pride in them.Sometime in between, I took up dancing classes in zumba and hip-hop for a couple of months. It was a nice experience.I started globetrotting on a massive scale. A new visit every couple of months. So much that I exhausted all the possible excursion places in south of India.I got back to my reading hobby.And about my ex, she desperately wanted to retain contact with me. But now, I called the shots. The ball was in my court. I declined any sort of communication. I rejected calls. The human mind remembers things. And certain events, certain scenarios have power to trigger dormant memories. Her voice had that power. I was aware of this and wanted to avoid the scenario at all costs. Out of sight, out of mind actually works....................................................................................................................The ending part might seem to be very easy but it was not. It took more than an year for me to get out of my break up completely. I experienced true love. She was the everything for me and things which happened over 3.5 years took their time to ward off from the mind. I grew closer to my family. I had immense support from my sister and my ex's sister. Might seem strange but its true. I am still in good contact with my ex's family. They still like me. Maybe the bridge between me and my ex's family was built because of her. But it strengthened solely on mutual communication and behavior. I value human interaction and decided to retain contact with ex's family. Of course, she is always pissed off whenever she discovers I paid a visit to her family. But now it's my time to enjoy.I blocked her on fb and mails. She tried numerous ways to keep info on my whereabouts. She communicated with my close friends and kept the communication line open with them. But I was least perturbed and told my friends not to give any info about her to me. I am sure she fb stalks using a different profile. But eh, should I be concerned? Ignorance is bliss!!!It has been 2.5 years since my breakup. And I have not been with a woman again, yet. Was it true love? Yes. Have I moved on? If it means being least concerned about my ex? Yes. If it means forgetting her? No-The brain has capabilities to retain memory, it doesn't forget. The memories fade away only with time, but they work according to what you want. If you want to think about past, the memories remains stronger. If you are occupied elsewhere, they start fading. Anywhere I see the mention of her name, the old memories try to come out of the sealed box and devour me. But my will power is much stronger now to ward them off. I think this fight will go till eternity, and I will always be victorious.The breakup is a rich life experience. The wisdom cannot be gained unless experienced. It helps you get a clear picture of life. It helps you identify people better. Not only it helps you to have a better relationship next time, but it gives you a chance to make yourself a better person. The period of breakup-move on varies from person to person. But at the end, you will come off as a much better person. Don't worry if are in a breakup, feel happy that a better version of you is waiting on the horizon.Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!EDIT#1Greetings, fellow Quora folks!I received numerous queries and comments related to the post. And I had tried my best to respond to them.Over time, it is observed that most of the queries classified themselves into a handful of categories. So, I thought of consolidating them and provide a generic response for all. I hope you don't have to take the pain of putting up queries and waiting for response. Although if you want to communicate, you are always welcome. Here we go!Whereabouts?I have moved back to Bangalore lately. So, here I am surrounded by my awesome job, in my favourite city, amongst my closest childhood friends. And I am enjoying every bit of it. I have taken my globetrotting taste to a whole new level. A new visit every couple of months has been transformed into a new visit every couple of weeks. I recently covered the whole of Kashmir with a 2000 kms road trip, thus striking out the #1 item off my bucket list. How do I manage holidays? Well, the Gods must be crazy on me. :)About my ex. Where is she? Is she still with the same guy? I don't know. And it doesn't bother or matter. It's my time to enjoy.Similar experiences?Quite a number of quorans have stated that they had similar experiences. Some even went on to say if I had read their personal diaries because the incident described is a mirror replica. Well, I am not surprised. And this only strengthens a belief I have held strongly in my life. And that is, human behavior is same everywhere. What changes is the language, or the religion, or the lifestyle, or the culture, or the habitat. But on the inside, we are all same. We are closer to each other as humans than we think ourselves to be. #helloworld.Relationship status?A number of queries came on my take on further relationships.Why haven't I considered other ones? Well, the need to date the right one became more important than the need to date just anyone. Availability of single decent women has a part to play. And so is the sex ratio of our nation. So, here to all the 'educated-to-be-moms-and-dads' out there, raise a gender parity generation or your sons would have to suffer like me. :PWill going into another relationship remind me of my past? I don't think so. 3 yrs is a long time and the defending champions Spain are out of this 2014 world cup. Things change. How do I perceive other women? Women are the root of the society. No hard feelings. As respectful as ever.Stuck in a phase?Some of the folks have expressed that they are stuck in one of the phases described and it is really hard for them to come out of it. Folks, this is one of the singular most battle of your life. And you need to win it all by yourself. It's all yours. Divide your sufferings amongst close people. I understand many would shy away from sharing their breakup news within their circle. And it makes sense. Because that would lead to further more discussions and the least we need at that moment is discussions over the break up. If you really feel you are out of all other options, you can reach out to me anytime. I don't claim to be an expert. There are professionals who had done extensive psychological studies over breakups. And I am no where near them. I might only be able to lend out additional empathy and just a random grief sharing scope. And maybe a subtle direction. But at times, that's the only thing we need. I know, you know, we all know.You can inbox me anytime with anything. However, notifications are generally switched off on my mobile and it might take some time to respond back to you. I have seen friend requests come and pulled back on fb. Please do bear with me.EpilogueThis edit is not meant to highlight my achievements or to advertise my life. Never. The primary intent of writing the original post was to provide a ground for empathy to all the fellow people in need. I thought my sufferings and subsequent recovery could provide greater help to people to come out of the difficulty as soon as possible. I am not sure if I had been successful on this. But I will keep trying.Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Betrayal is brutal. It kills us when the news is broken. But then, a new individual is born out of the killing. Like fire tests gold and purifies it. But we are never the same old individual again. It's impossible to be the same old individual. Because, we come out to be better, harsher, shrewder, indifferent person. We tend to become brutal in all spheres. Not brutal as in behavior, but brutal as in how we perceive the world thereafter. The break up is hard hit on our back. And the treatment is to rebuild ourselves as unbeatable.As for the void we feel, an old imprint of a person on our heart will take time to fade off. There is no eraser available for that. It's a battle we have to fight with ourselves, between our heart and our mind.Nothing feels relevant at the moment. The job, the education, the world, everything feels useless, as if we were preparing and tackling the world only because of the existence of the other person. Only because we want to be with the other person and need preparations for survival. And now since the other person has gone, there is no use to be that concerned. Self managing could be easily done with humble needs.The moving on takes it's intended time depending on an individual. However, there are mechanisms which can pace up the process of moving on. The out of sight, out of mind is really important. We have to cut up our ex through social media and mail chats. In my case, after the break up, I kept reading our old chat conversations, mail exchanges and picture views. And a part of me use to die daily. Until one day, when I could take it no more, I deleted all mails, all chats, all pictures and blocked her on social media circles. And then I regretted for not doing the move earlier. We all have mutual friends. We have to make them understand to not give info on ex's whereabouts to us. The less we know about the person, the faster we would move on.That is just one step. Next is, we need involvements. Take up a new hobby, a new sport we always wanted to play. Maybe a marital art, or swimming or learning to drive, or taking up a musical instrument. There is never an age to learn a new thing. Start a thing today we always wanted to do yesterday.Another way is to blow up a part of our savings. 10-15k on something extreme acts. Go visit Ladakh/NE, or go for scuba,or a foreign trip,or anything which would suck up a considerable fund. Why? Because do hell with future worries. Most of us are young and have our whole life to earn money. Probably, we would end up getting fat checks in distant future. But our present needs us more. It needs attention, not our future. Blowing up double digit sums of money on something we always wanted to do will not only take our attention from the void, it will always infuse a new adrenaline into our body. Spending always works.Make time for society. Give them back what we received. Visit orphanage or old homes or join a teaching trust. Believe me, most of us think financial help is the only way they can be helped. And since we don't have much at the moment, we can't help them. Incorrect. Volunteering plays a big role too. Giving part of our time to them cheers up their day in ways we can never imagine. In turn, it will cheer up our soul too. Be a part of blood donation camps. Most of us are too lazy to do it, although we are perfectly fit. And hundreds of people lose their life because of shortage of blood, which arose from our laziness. I have been part of blood donations for some time. And it boosts up my self worth amazingly.Make time for family. Go visit your home. Most of us leave our home since graduation. And family time is never the same after that. If you are in college, bunk the week. If you are working, take the week off. Make your parents happy before you regret you never had the time.Read novels. They keep our mind occupied and prevent it from flashing back old memories. Book recommendation threads are abundant in Quora. Avoid watching romantic movies and listening to romantic songs for some time. And of course, don't take up romantic novels. :PThese are just a handful of things I felt I should have done earlier to make a faster move on. You folks could customize and tailor make it to your desires/lifestyle.The phase is like a disease, like a viral fever, you know you would get better, but you don't know when.Have patience, stay strong and look towards yourself. Wishing all the folks a speedy recovery.Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!