In Loving Memory In Loving Memory Full Name Full Name Full Name Full Name Date From: Fill & Download for Free

It's not so much as a gag, but it does highlight English (particularly Northern) dry humour.It's something my grandmother told me as a child, whether she was making it up I don't know, and I've never visited the grave in question, I don’t even know where it is, but my grandmother swore blind that it was a true story.Here's the story:As a little girl back in the early 1920s, she had a friend called Edith Hardwick (the surname's important here) who was tragically killed as a child when she got in the way of a cricket (corky) ball which struck her on the head and she died from her injury (how the fatal accident occurred, I don't know), as such was the intense velocity with which the ball hit her.Edith's older sister was left to make the funeral arrangements, and being relatively poor she organised a simple headstone for Edith.The headstone had the simple message, along the lines of “in loving memory of a much missed daughter and sister" and Edith's full name and the dates of both her birth and her death enscribed on it.However, Edith's sister, knowing Edith had a dry sense of humour and would be looking down from heaven chuckling at it, added the words (in smaller text underneath):“HARDWICK,HARD BALL,HARD LUCK!”As I say, I never got to verify my grandmother's story, but it does succinctly underline the typically (northern) English sense of humour!

I met him when I was five. He was adorable and happy and I was just a sweet kid with a little bit of a crush. In first grade we were playing tag and he caught me behind the playground and tagged me with his lips. It was just a peck, but my goodness it was just the happiest thing. We started calling each other after school nearly every day and always doing what we could to spend time together in classes all through elementary school.We continued to be friends and all of our classmates were sure we were Cory and Topanga, that we’d inevitably get married and continue to be adorable for all of time. We officially started “dating” when we were 11, but it was always off and on, and extremely innocent. We made our friends be friends with each other so we could spend more time together without necessarily being alone. When we were finally in high school and what was between us felt like it could actually be something, like it was real and the beginning of something beautiful and permanent, I remember how everything felt like being pleasantly struck by lightning. One night at the drive in theater, we were sitting next to each other in separate camping chairs and he kept moving his hand closer and closer to mine inch by inch and when our pinkies finally bumped each other it was like I was alive for the first time, a shock spreading through my fingers and up my arm, seeping into my heart like hot mercury, heavy and strong.The trouble with falling in love so completely - and so young - is that you don’t recognize when things are changing, even when they’re going terribly wrong. He started to seem discontent as time went on, like he was bored with only having me. He cheated on me a few times. He’d break up with me because he thought he had a chance with someone prettier or more popular than me. But he always knew - everyone always knew - that he’d come back to me. Inevitable, our friends called it. I tolerated it all because I loved him, because I believed he was my happy ending, because I was holding on to the lightning spark and that adorable kid who made me feel alive, when that boy had long since shed his cocoon and blossomed into a full-blown asshole butterfly.When I went off to college we had broken up for a while (and I actually dated his best friend - that also ended terribly, but that’s a story for another day). Beginning of sophomore year we started talking again. Which, of course, led to dating again. I was 19 and he was 20, and he cheated on me. Again. But this time… with a 12 year old. I was horrified, of course, but I mostly just blamed myself for not being “enough” rather than facing the truth of what he was.We had some more back and forth after that - and believe me, I’m deeply ashamed of that - but finally one night beneath the stars and under a cloud of berry wine and tequila, he begged for another chance. He pleaded. He called out, “Keisha Lynn, you know it’s always been you!”Lynn is not my middle name. This bastard had known me for nearly two decades at this point and he still couldn’t remember my damn middle name. Yes, I understand this is a terrible moment to finally snap. He had been crushing my soul, my sanity, my self-worth for years, had been hurting other girls in the process, and really, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Yep. I’m sorry to say that it was.I lost it. I screamed for hours. I let out everything I’d been bottling up. Blamed him for all that he did to me. All that he did to everyone else. He cried. I told him how much I regretted the trust I had given him so very young, and that the only thing I wanted from him ever again in this life was a time machine so I could go back to 1994 and never speak to his sorry ass in the first place.That last straw moment happened in July. The following February he began a prison sentence for child pornography.The stories others have shared of their first love being their true love - those stories are beautiful and I’m so happy that you found such wonderful partnership on the first try. You are blessed! But I wanted to share my story of first love turned very toxic, because I know I’m not alone in hanging on to something for far, far too long.

This one gets me smiling.I was working with Optus Pre-paid customer service (Australia) as a Customer Support Executive in India. My core responsibility was to answer calls and provide a resolution and we were allowed 240 seconds per call.This is a transcript from one of the calls (as best as my memory serves me)Me: Hi, this is Jack, how can I help? (because my name - “Jitendra” was too difficult to pronounce)Her: Hello love, I would like to know how to send an SMS. (I love the Aussies for addressing a total stranger over the phone as ‘love’ or ‘darling’).Me: I will be more than happy to help you out. For security reasons, could you confirm your mobile number, full name, address and date of birth please?She: Sure love, its 042-XX-XXX, my name is Mary Anne XXXXXXX, I stay at XXXX and are you sure you want my date of birth?Me: I’m sorry, could I address you by your first name?She: Sure love.Me: Yes, Mary Anne, I need to verify your date of birth for security reasons.She: Its 21-January-1926, I am too old to be calling you.Me: Oh, but you sound just about 24. Thank you for providing all those details.*Blush: I assume*Me: So, Mary Anne, if I understand correctly, you would like to know how to send an SMS right?She: Yes, the thing is, I use my mobile only for answering calls. I am not much of a techie like you. But you see, it’s my grandson’s birthday and I have gifted him a mobile phone. I want to send him a text message to wish him too. Am I too old to learn now?Me: *Thinking about the 240 seconds of average handling time* Certainly not Mary Anne, I think its wonderful that you want to do that. I did teach my mum to use the phone. I’m pretty sure I can help you.However, could I ask if there is an Optus World Store nearby (It’s a store where there sell Optus products), they would actually type the message for you and it would be easier to for youShe: Oh, the OWS (Optus world store) is quite far love and I can’t take the public transport.Me: *Shit, did she think I don't want to help her?* No worries (Another Aussie slang that I picked up) Mary Anne, let us get to it. I hope you are calling me from a fixed line and have your mobile with you.She: Yes, I do.Me: Great. Do you know which mobile phone you have?She: *Looks around for the box* It’s a Nokia 1100Me: Brilliant.The next 35 minutes, I taught her to type a message. Press the button with the blue line on it. okay? Now, do you see messages? Go to create message, Press number 4 key once - do you see a ‘H’, great, now press the number 2 key once, do you see a ‘A’… this went on until we typed out the message, “Happy birthday to my dearest grandson XXXX. God bless you, Mary Anne” I was on the phone for over 50 mintues on that call.She: Jack, is that your real name?Me: No, Its Jitendra (J as in Jack.. I as in India…. etc)She: Jaay-ten-dra, what does that mean?Me: It means ‘King of Gods’!!She: Well Jaay-ten-dra, I owe you one. It was great talking to you, if you ever plan to visit, do drop in for dinner.Me: Thank you Mary Anne. Appreciate your kind words. Is there anything else that I can help you with?She: Not at all, thank you for your patience throughout. You have made an old woman very happyMe: Not at all, it was a pleasure talking to you. Thank you for calling Optus, have a great day.The best part about this interaction is, my manager got a call from the OWS telling him that I did a wonderful job. Mary Anne took out the time to go to OWS and leave a positive feedback.Best day of my life!