St Peters Elementary: Fill & Download for Free

I remember Sister Madeline at St Peters Elementary School in Belleville NJ. She was my figurehead grade teacher. What I remember most was that had a twin sister who was also a nun. Sister Madeline would get mad at us and turn a bright red. She had a temper, and the red on her face I can’t ever forget.

There are the Chapayev jokes:A Soviet elementary school teacher, in preparation for the celebration of the anniversary of the Revolution, asks the children whether any of their relatives knew anyone of the Bolshevik 'Old Guard'. Sashka stands up and says that his grandfather knew Chapayev! The teacher is overjoyed and asks Sashka to ask his grandfather if he wants to come to the school and tell the children about Chapayev. The grandfather accepts and comes to class the next day.-Comrade Petrov, your grandson says you knew our great hero Chapayev, who fought and died for the triumph of communism!-Indeed, comrade teacher, I once saw the great revolutionary hero Vasily Ivany'ch.-Oh, my! Please, would you tell the children when you saw him? What do you remember of him?-Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it as if it were only yesterday... our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, my machine-gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river. His Lordship the General, next to me, jumps up and shouts "It's Chapayev! Shoot, Ivan, Shoot!"There are the Jew jokes:Soviet Customs Official: *points to a hefty miniature statue* What is that?Rabinovich: What is that? WHAT is that? Do not say what is that, say who is that! That is Lenin, the hero who established this workers' paradise! I intend to keep him on the mantlepiece as a reminder of our country's greatness.Official: *laughing*, OK, move along.Later, at Ben-Gurion AirportIsraeli Customs Official: *points at statue* What is that?Rabinovich: What is that? WHAT is that? Do not say what is that, say who is that! That is Lenin, the asshole who created the hell-hole I'm so happy to be leaving! I intend to keep him over the toilet as a reminder of my old country's shittiness.Official: *laughing*, OK, move along.Later, at his daughter's houseRabinovich's Israeli grandson: *points at statute* Who is that?Rabinovich: Do not say who is that, grandson, say what is that? That, my child, is five kilograms of solid gold!There are the Stirlitz jokes:Hitler walks into the war room and finds a massive, heavy-looking grey box dominating the table.Hitler: What is that?Heinrich Müller: It's the latest Soviet audio bug. Now, mein Führer, only Stirlitz had access to this room; I told you he might be a spy...Hitler: *exasperated* Never mind that, why hasn't anybody gotten rid of it?Müller: We tried, mein Führer. Nobody can lift the damned thing.There are the Radio Yerevan jokes:Q: What is prohibited and what is permitted?A: Well, in England, what is permitted is permitted, and what is prohibited is prohibited. In America, everything is permitted, except for that which is prohibited. In France, everything is permitted, including that which is prohibited. In Germany, everything is prohibited, except for that which is permitted. And in the Soviet Union, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted.There are the military jokes:A Nazi sniper is looking through his scope, waiting for a Soviet officer to appear. When one does, he peers at the officer's rank insignia and then looks through the manual, which says "Colonel - 100 Reichsmark bonus". Happily, he looks through the scope again, but the officer is already gone. Some time passes. He spots another officer, looks at his rank insignia, and finds it in the manual. "General - 200 Reichsmark bonus". The officer is once again already gone by the time he looks. Determined not to screw up again, he waits for another officer, shoots him first, then starts looking through the manual. "Warrant Officer (note: sows demoralization through own ranks) 500 Reichsmark fine".There are the industrial jokes:The Japanese have bought a license for an advanced Russian jet. They assemble it exactly by the blueprints, and it turns out to be a steam locomotive. They check the blueprints, gather their best engineers and assemble it again. Still locomotive. They file a complaint to the Russians, so the Russian team arrives, goes into the workshop and shortly produces a perfectly good jet. The Japanese are astonished: "We've tried it again and again and only got a steam train!" "Why, of course", reply the Russians, "did you read the fine print? First you get a steam train. And then you work on it with a rasp."There are the hell jokes:Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"After a few months Satan calls God:Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as it is possible."God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in Hell."Satan: "He is creating great turmoil! First he made all the imps pioneers, then he started to unite the devils into labor unions, and now he's preparing a revolution!"God agrees to take Marx in Heaven so that Hell does not break loose. After a few months Satan calls God again:Satan: "Hey, God, how's it going?"God: "First of all, comrade Satan, you are to address me properly as "comrade God". Second, I do not have time since Marx has urgently called me on a party session, and third, there is no God."There are the Stalin jokes:NKVD major: "We arrested this man for treason!"Stalin (with an untranslatable thick Georgian accent): "What did he do?"NKVD major: "He was saying: "Damn that mustached bastard for ruining the country!""Stalin: "Is that so? And who did you mean by that, comrade?"Russian everyman: "Naturally I meant Hitler, comrade Stalin!"Stalin (very smug, accent very thick): "And who did you mean, comrade major?"There are the KGB jokes:A group of students in a dorm are drinking late at night and telling political jokes. One of them is tired and wants to sleep. He goes down to the lobby and asks the lady on duty to come up to the dorm with cups of coffee in a few minutes. He goes back up, waits a minute, picks up a vase, and speaks into it, "Comrade Major, please bring us some coffee." A minute later, the lady shows up with the coffee. All the students go quiet. In the morning, the student wakes up and sees that he's alone. He goes down to the lobby and asks the lady where everyone went.Lady: Comrade Captain liked your little joke about Major.And Chuckcha jokes:A Chuckcha goes to Moscow on a business. When he returns to his village, he’s surrounded by all his friends and neighbors who ask him how Moscow was.“Well,” He says, “I’ve seen monuments and buildings, of all the things built, and all the placards: ‘Everything in the name of Man, everything for the good of Man!’ Also seen that man.”Soviet humor.Best humor.

This is going to be a long one so buckle up kiddies.I grew up in one of the roughest neighbourhoods in Kingston Jamaica. The primary/elementary school that I went to had kids from all over the nearby communities. This was in the late 70s and early 80s. When I was in the third grade an older kid started bullying me and shaking me down for money. This continued for a couple of weeks until one day he did something that got me so angry I stood on tippy toes and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. This left him more in shock than hurt because I doubt that anyone had stood up to him before. After that he basically left me alone and we went our separate ways as we grew up.As a young adult, I saw him a couple of times driving a delivery van for a local bakery we exchanged pleasantries a few times and went about our business. One night, I was taking a short cut to a lady friend’s house. This was in the nineties before cell phones and I was late for our date (hence the need for the short cut since I didn’t drive). I came up to an intersection where there were only houses on one side of the street. In one of the dark corners between the houses I saw a guy beckoning to me. I ignored him and kept walking. After I had taken a few steps I saw the guy approaching me with what looked like an assault rifle (did I mention that this was also a rough neighbourhood?)Trying my best not to panic I allowed him to catch up to me. You can imagine my horror when I realized it was my bully, the guy I had slapped across the face.“Hey, don’t you remember me?” he asked with a huge grin.I said yes. Another guy came up behind us with a matching weapon, it was also a guy from school that I knew. By this time I was basically shitting myself and telling St. Peter to make ready for my arrival.Fortunately, we spent the next ten minutes exchanging pleasantries and chatting about the old days at school. No animosity. As a matter of fact, both guys were actually likeable. They informed me that there was a turf war going on with the guys down the bottom of the street so it would be healthier for me to turn back. They had recognized me from I entered the street and they didn’t want an old friend to get hurt, hence them giving away their position to save my ass. A wave of relief washed over me as I retraced my steps. I headed home and forgot about the girl I was supposed to go out with.I never saw him again and I moved out of the area a few years later. Last weekend I joined a FB group that was formed by my former primary/elementary school mates. A few of us were in the group so we were chatting about all kinds of stuff when his name came up. I shared this story and asked if anyone had seen him and was told that he died in a shoot out with the police. Go figure. Whatever he was, I’m sure he saved my life that night. Too bad he chose that life.