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By Reading Yourself……!!!!!!Often SSB Aspirants, tend to ask question as What is the best book to Clear SSB, In my view You Yourself.!If you find it hard believe, let me tell you, it’s the normal response, but at the end of the day, actuality is same. It just you and yourself, who have any say to change the Results of the SSB.Crack in my view is not the correct word, crack is kind of word,where you find shortcuts to a destiny, or, just keep practicing without much of brain behind it. You can crack a Exam, But SSB is not a Exam and never was designed to be one. If one knows, in SSB results they never mention the word Pass or Fail, It’s Recommended or Not-Recommended for the Service. It’s a simple change of words, but holds a lot more meaning behind it.Before even i go into details of various entries and procedures, you need to first get yourself prepared till the end, so that you clear every round in One go.I believe even before setting in for above tasks and planning for them, invest good amount of time in yourself. Without Knowing yourself, one can never get through SSB, and that’s how each task is designed to get qualities out of your personality.Self Introspection of your qualities is very crucial. Knowing ones’ Strength and Weakness are the building blocks to success.Coming To Various Stages of Interviews, you can scroll down to the part which says SSB SELECTION PROCESS, if you are interested knowing more about how to Self Introspect, you can read further, otherwise i would suggest, you can stop your reading here.Now, as you have chosen to read further, well first of all congrats because You have PATIENCE my friend. Even before keeping any points in my mind for SSB, my friend you need look into you,i.e.Self Introspection is crucial aspect of SSB, and indeed Life. Unless and Until you don’t know about you Strengths and much more important your weaknesses, it will make things a lot tricky.SSB as a whole is rather very easy testing process, and why not it was designed to be like that, so that your real self can come out, its Us who make tough for us by trying the shortcuts, and this step is taken when someone is to much crazy about achieving something, well both this things don’t go well with SSB.I will what i did, for a start for self introspection, you can have your own way for it, I took a A4 sheet and started with my Strengths, an you know what i got a hell lot of strengths on the paper, but then came climax, When i started jotting down myweaknesses, i could only make 4–5 points max,if you see this in normal scenario its good that i have less weaknesses and even anyone would see it that way,and i am no different, but i took a random thought process, i thought why is it that i have so less weaknesses but then too i am not able to hit the target, answer was obvious, i was not looking in for weaknesses deeply, what my mind did while writing down weaknesses was it started categorizing them common, small or negligible weaknesses, whereas same didn’t happened in case of Strengths, there i had it, I broke down classification, and started finding weaknesses of mine, and believe and made me realize that there were many incidents which overlooked instead of learning from those mistakes.Sorry, for long explanation , but i guess you must have got my point, but don’t just stop at Strengths and Weaknesses, think of what you daily, your hobbies, you sporting activities, this will help you to confidently answer question about yourself, and believe me or not, when you don’t know yourself completely its this Questions On you which take you down.So, when you are out there in SSB, you need to make sure of this things in broader aspects,BE YOURSELF - let others response may sound how much interesting and thrilling, its your response and reaction that matters at that moment, from my experience i thing which i observed, SSB majorly focuses on how you do itordeal with a certain situation. Even if you give an interesting and impressive answers, which you have mugged up, it wont do any good, and in fact do a lot bad, Instead, you can give your answers, and think before answering so that when stressed upon, you can confidently support your point.PRESENCE OF MIND - Its very crucial, a lot go down just because they neglect this aspect. Presence Of Mind not brings in “A” Game of yours, it broadens your horizon of thinking, instead of getting excited and running just for the sake of running without any direction. This Aspect brings in Patience in you, and its no secret staying calm in stressful situation is key to go through it.BE POSITIVE & OPTIMISTIC - Putting you under stress is what SSB does to take your real out, so many times things don’t go the best way you would have hoped for, now at this point you need to have a optimistic view, analyse your mistake and move on, instead of crying and getting worried over it, as doing this just starts a chain reaction which will destroy all your tests.All the above mentioned three points together power up your CONFIDENCE, and it goes in your favor in a big way.SSB SELECTION PROCESSThe aim of five day testing is to assess personality of candidates by three pronged approach – Manasa, Vacha & Karmna, Translating into your thoughts, speech and deed/actions. These three approaches are termed as techniques and they are assessed by Psychologist, Interviewing Officer and Group testing Officer independently. The summation of three approaches in conference gives inputs for identifying a potential and a trainable Armed Forces leader.TESTING SCHEDULE AT SSBThe selection process is spread over five days testing schedule and is conducted in two stages. Stages I is conducted on the first day and the candidates having some chance of getting selected are retained for Stage II based on the performance of candidates in written test and Picture Perception and Discussion Test (PP & DT) conducted on Day 1. The brief program for five days is given below and the same is elaborated in subsequent sections.STAGE -1DAY 1 - Written Test, PP & DTSTAGE – IIDAY 2- Psych Test ; InterviewDAY 3- GTO 1 Day; InterviewDAY 4- GTO 2 Day; InterviewDAY 5- ConferenceREPORTING DAYRECEPTIONYour day of reporting starts with the reception as per the details given in call letter/ SMS sent to you, a reception is organised for all candidates at the railway station. You have to report to the Movement Control Office (MCO) at the time and date given in call letter/SMS. Here a representative of the SSB manning the reception will receive you and direct you to a bus that will take you to SSB.Candidates arriving late or by road/air should proceed directly on their own and report to the SSB. On your arrival at the SSB, you will be given sufficient time to settle down.OPENING ADDRESSThe first organised event at the SSB is the opening address. The duty officer gives and introductory talk, explains matters of administration arrangements, the DOs and Don'ts at the SSB and the routine at SSB in the brief for the next five days. Listen carefully to what he says.DOCUMENTATIONAfter the opening address Documentation check is the next event. You are required to produce your original certificates for verification and fill up certain forms like the TA form on the reporting day itself. You will also be allotted chest numbers for your Stage I testing.DAY 1 – STAGE 1OIR TESTMorning of the Day 1 begins with the Officer Intelligence Rating (OIR) Test. The test would start early, so ensure that you have a good night sleep and wake up in time to be ready for the tests. The tests themselves include verbal and non-verbal tests which require simple and analytical reasoning.PPDTThe second test of Day 1 is Picture Perception and Discussion Test (PP&DT). During this test a picture is flashed on screen for 30 seconds and candidates have to broadly note down certain basic parameters i.e. No of characters, their age, sex, mood and thereafter write a story relating to the situation in the picture. A story that could cover, what according to the candidate’s perception led to the situation in the picture, its present and future development? The time allotted for the story to be written down is 4 minutes.GROUP DISCUSSIONIn this test the picture and your stories would be discussed in a group. For this phase the batch is divided in small groups. The strength of a group is around fifteen candidates. To start the Group Discussion, each candidate would be required to narrate his perception and individual written story. Subsequently, candidates will discuss among themselves and achieve a common consensus about the characters and the theme of the story.RESULT OF STAGE 1Once all candidates have undergone this stage the results of Stage I are declared. Successful candidates are retained for Stage II testing and the balance are asked to leave after a short brief on general shortcomings. The candidates are provided with lunch and transport to go to the railway station. Candidates will also be paid the entitled Travelling Allowance for AC 3 tier class. This travelling allowance is paid to candidates appearing for the first time in SSB on production of the original tickets.STAGE 2The candidates retained for further testing in Stage 2 will be divided into groups of eight to ten candidates. Each candidate will be allotted a new chest number. It is important to remember that you are not competing with other candidates, all of you will be assessed against the common standard of suitability and it is possible that everyone in the group is selected or rejected. You will require to fill up Personal Information Questionnaire (PIQ) with correct and exact details about your life. In case of a large batch some of you may find yourself facing Interviewing Officer in the evening of same day.DAY - 2PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTThe second day sees the testing in the earnest and begins with the onset of Psychological Assessment. The candidates are taken through a series of situations projected as words, pictures and narrated situations. The reaction timings are stringent to bring in natural and subconscious behavioral pattern of individual. As the Psych tests takes time and one has to be fresh and natural, the tests are started early in the morning. Before the tests are administered you will be briefed by the Psychologist about the various tests you have to undergo, also before you undergo actual tests you will be familiarises with the example tests of each type. Psych test are administered on candidates to access the psychological profile acceptable for candidates of particular age group.THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TESTThe first test among the battery of Psych tests is the Thematic Apperception Test (TAT). In this test a total of 12 pictures including a blank picture will be shown for 30 seconds each, one after the other. Candidates are asked to write story around the picture shown, covering issues like what led to the situation, what is going on and what would be the outcome of the situation perceived in the picture. The picture is selected in a manner to allow your creative mind to evolve a number of stories.No story is correct or wrong, what matters is it must be a story triggered in your mind by the picture. Remember that the picture is shown only for 30 seconds and then you are asked to write about the picture within four minutes. In the blank picture, you have to imagine a picture of your own choice and write a story around that. Since the timings are stringent you are advised to write the story that occurs to you first on seeing the picture, that way your response will be natural and you will be able to write the entire story within the limited time available to you.WORD ASSOCIATION TESTThe next psych test is the Word Association Test (WAT). In this test a total of 60 words are shown to the candidates. Each word is flashed on the screen for 15 seconds. The candidate is required to write down the first thought or idea that comes to his mind on seeing the word in the space provided in the 15 seconds before the next word is flashed.SITUATION REACTION TESTThe third psych test is the Situation Reaction Test (SRT). This test consists of 60 routine life situations regarding day to day activities. The situations are printed in the booklet and candidate is asked to write his reaction by completing the sentences as to how he would feel, think and act in these situations. A total of 30 minutes are given to candidates to write down reactions to all the sixty situations in the booklet.SELF DESCRIPTION TESTThe last in the battery of Psych tests is the Self Description Test (SD). Each candidate is given 15 minute and is asked to write 5 separate paragraphs on the opinion of his parents or guardian, friends, teachers or superiors, self opinion and qualities the candidate would like to develop/ inculcate in himself.Following is the way how you will mostly probably sited for Psych Test.DOS & DON‘TS PSYCH TESTDOsListen and adhere to the instructions properly.Clarify all your doubts before the commencement of each test.Be as imaginative and spontaneous as possible.Give your first reaction to picture/word shown to you, don’t think twice as there is no right or wrong answer to the situation, everyone is like to respond in his own unique way.Be realistic and logical in your responses and keep track of time.Don'tsDo not use coached/ tutored ideas while responding to psychological test battery.Do not create mental sets about pictures during run up to the SSB as it may restrict your spontaneity and imagination.INTERVIEWOn completion of Psych tests and subsequent refreshment break, some of the candidates have to appear before the Interviewing Officer for Personal Interview. The interviews will continue in the afternoon and evenings of Day 2, 3 and 4. You will be interviewed only once and will be informed well in advance about the time and place.The atmosphere throughout the interview is relaxed and informal. The questions are generally based on your every day experiences and relating to your work, education, family and spare time activities, hobbies and interests. Each candidate is interviewed for a duration ranging from 45 minutes to an hour. The Interviewing Officer will discuss by way of questions and answers the opportunities you had in your life and utilisation you made of them. The Interviewing Officer is fairly senior and experienced in the armed Forces while he interacts with you, he assesses whether you have the essential qualities to be trained to become an officer in the armed Forces. What you have done till date with regard to your academics, your achievements and extra curricular activities, your interest in life, interaction with your parents, friends and society at large. Candidates’ general awareness, physical and mental fortitude, form important facets to assist him in his assessment. No one is perfect and the Interviewing Officer understands and gives more than adequate benefits for the shortcomings or mistakes which you may have committed thus do not try and hide anything. The tendency of lying and making false pretences is easily found and is viewed negatively.DOS & DON'TS – INTERVIEWLook smart, cheerful and enthusiastic.Be audible but not too loud and appear keen to speak and respond to questions.Sit straight and comfortably, do not fidget, do not keep moving your hands and legs as it may distract the interviewer from your responses.If you have not understood anything politely ask for clarification or to repeat the question.You are expected to be aware so as to touch upon current events if asked.DAY 3 - GROUP TESTINGThe third day is full of exciting physical activity in the Group Testing Grounds. The candidates will be briefed by the Group Testing Officer in the morning about all out door activities. The primary concern here is to see how you will face the obstacles and the tasks allotted to you and your attitude towards other members of the group both while working with them and while directing them. Group tests do not require specialised individual skills on your part, logical thinking, coordinated team efforts, work ability to receive and give suggestion is what is looked at by assessors. You will be provided with Sketch Board, Ladders, Ropes, Planks and other such things as your tools to help you in the assigned task. You are given few minutes to form plan and thereafter execute the task within the given timeframe. The battery of GTO tests consists of nine tests/ tasks.GROUP DISCUSSIONThe first task of GTO battery of test begins with Group Discussions on a debatable topic, which is usually given on a current event/social issues. In the first group discussion the group is allowed to select one of the two topics offered.In the second group discussion the topic is of the GTO’s choice. Each discussion will last for approximately 20 to 30 minutes. Each candidate is expected to participate in the discussions. Remember that the discussions involve the exchange of ideas and thoughts. It is not a traffic of words.GROUP PLANNING EXERCISEThe Group planning Exercise is the second test of the GTO test series. In this test a story on a model with a few problems is narrated. What you are required to do is to identify the problems and evolve the practical solution within the given time. You are expected to write down your own individual solution on the paper provided to you. A candidate while giving solution should think logically, write and draw neatly and also examine alternate solutions of the problem. Thereafter your group collective solution will be discussed by the group and you are expected to participate in evolving the group plan acceptable to everyone. One of you may then be asked to explain the acceptable group plan.PROGRESSIVE GROUP TASKProgressive Group Task is the next GTO test. Four obstacles are required to be collectively negotiated by your group along with a heavy load. Certain helping materials in the form of Rope, Planks etc are provided for the task to be completed within 40 minutes. Ground rules will be explained to the candidates in detail before the commencement of the tests. Make sure you and your group adheres to the rules strictly. Also remember that all of you and the load need to negotiate the obstacle together to move on during this test.GROUP OBSTACLE RACEUnlike other tasks here the entire group competes with other groups of your batch over a set of six obstacles. Each group has to carry a roll of tent/ stuffed gunny bags in the shape of snake from the start point to finish point. Therefore the task is commonly referred as Snake Race. The rules of the race will be explained to you, the winner is the group that cover all the obstacles against the challenge posed by opponents. Not to forget to include time, obstacles and load within the framework of rules of the race. After the race there is a short 20 minutes break for rest and refreshments.HALF GROUP TASK (HGT)After the break you will participate in the Half Group Task. This task is similar to the PGT except that it is conducted over one obstacle with smaller group.LECTURETTEOn completion of HGT the GTO will conduct the task called lecturette. Each member of your group will deliver a three minutes informal talk on a topic selected by candidate from the set of topics offered separately to each candidate.Approximately three minutes are given to the candidate to prepare the talk and thereafter speak for three minutes in front of group on the subject chosen by the candidate.DAY 4 - GROUP TESTINGThe balance of the Group Tests are conducted on fourth day. The test begins early in the morning with Individual Obstacle (IO) course.INDIVIDUAL OBSTACLESIn the individual Obstacle there are ten obstacles designed to test candidates individual ability in negotiating them, you are given three min to negotiate as many obstacle as possible on your own. If the course is completed within the time limit, you may repeat the obstacle of your choice. You will be given short break after all members of the group have completed their individual obstacle course.COMMAND TASKThe next task in line is the Command Task, each member of your group will be put in command of the group in turn, the objective being completion of the specified task as commander of a group. You will be first briefed by the GTO regarding the task and thereafter you will explain the task to your group as commander and give instructions to them and also monitor the completion of the task personally.FINAL GROUP TASKAs the name suggest the last GTO test is the final group task, here once again the entire group gets together to complete an assigned task within the stipulated time frame.DOS & DON'TS for GTO TESTDOsPerceive the problems posed correctly and assimilate all details.Have adequate awareness about general/ current affairs.Be quick enough to think and write solutions.Solutions should be logical and realistic.Be spontaneous and forthright in expressing yourself, participate actively.In outdoor task, be energetic, participate and contribute to the group activities.Understand the requirement of the task, plan and try to evolve/suggest workable ideas.Keep the group aim in mind.Be confident and develop perseverance in pursuing the aim/goal.Be effective in communicationDon’tDon’t limit yourself to one type of media-explore various types of media to acquire knowledge/awareness about topics of general interest.Don’t try to put pre-conceived knowledge / ideas, utilize them to generate own ideas.Don’t sit/stand back and wait for opportunity to come your way – grab the opportunity.Don’t shut out others’ ideas.DAY 5 – CONFERENCE DAYCLOSING ADDRESSThe last or the 5th day is spent in the conference. In the continuation of the process of selection, the day begins with the closing address. Closing Address is generally given by Dy President of the board before the Board Conference. During the address officer will highlight the merits of selection system, explain the qualities that we in the Armed Forces are looking for in your personality and provide clarification to any doubts or question that may arise in your mind. This is also interactive forum for you to put forward any problem complaint or any suggestion that you may have experienced during your stay at SSB.BOARD CONFERENCEThe Board Conference is the final event of the five day testing process, during the board conference which is chaired by president, Dy president and all the assessors that is the GTOs, Psychologists and Interviewing Officers, who have assessed you will be in attendance. Each candidate is discussed in detail by the three assessors, who have examined his demonstrated performance through the specific technique independently to arrive at consensus on acceptability of each candidate. Detailed process of validation and counter validation is undertaken to arrive at final decision about the candidate. Candidates will be asked to appear individually before the board. You will be asked some question during the conference. Your answers during the conference are also important. The board makes final recommendation about the suitability of the candidate as well as final marks to be awarded to each candidate.DECLARATION OF RESULTAfter all the candidates have appeared before the board and the result has been compiled, the Technical Officer of the board will announce the result. The candidates who fail to make the grade are seen off at the railway station. All those who are recommended by the board will stay on for the medical examination which may take one week.MEDICAL EXAMINATIONRecommended candidates appear before the medical board for carrying out their medical board after the SSB results. It takes 4 to 5 working days for the concerned Military Hospital to complete the medical board and after that the candidates are dispersed. NDA candidates are examined both for Army and Navy unless otherwise instructed and endorsement of fitness status will be made accordingly. President of the medical board will guide the candidates for Appeal/Review Medical Board procedures. Candidates may seek the advice of President Special Medical Board for review/appeal in case they have been declared unfit.Few Tips from my personnel experienceBE YOURSELF and I mean it, not just for the sake of saying. Trust you actions and Thoughts.Little Self Introspection such as your strengths & weaknesses will give you more clarity about your personality.If you don’t do physical exercise much, start jogging, it will help you to keep up your breath during GTO.Smiling brings positive thoughts. Make a habit to converse with others with smile on your face, but of-course don’t do it for serious moments otherwise i am not responsible for Slap…!!!!!!Don’t over do thingsStick to truth & facts, and they will be happy, go otherwise, and you will be sunken boat.and Once you get Recommended, you can tuck me in for having a McDonald’s or Pizza Party, after all it will be great mile to celebrate upon.All The Best.Humour Corner :→ Bharat Bhushan's answer to What are some funny SSB interview answers?Cheers….BB

Here is a list of Cons: (From Shooting yourself in the foot in various programming languages)370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS and include a 300-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Two years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.You shoot yourself in the head just thinking about it.You find the first building you're in in the phone book, then find your office number in the corporate phone book. Then you have to write this down and describe, in cubits, your exact location in relation to the door (the right side thereof). Then you need to write down the location of the gun (loading it is a proprietary utility), then you load it, and the COBOL program, and run them, and with luck, it may be run tonight.Ada If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.You scour all 156e54 pages of the manuals, looking for references to foot, leg, or toe; then you get hopelessly confused and give up. You sneak in when the boss isn't around and finally write the damn thing in C. You turn in 7,689 pages of source code to the review committee, knowing they'll never look at it, and when the program needs maintenance, you quit.Algol You shoot yourself in the foot with a Civil War-era musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.Algol 60 You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun because it has no provisions for input or output.Algol 68 You mildly deprocedure the gun, the bullet gets firmly dereferenced, and your foot is strongly coerced to void.APL You shoot yourself in the foot and then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.@#&^$%&%^ footAPT You cut a perfect bullethole in your foot and shoot through it.ASP You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the most advanced thing you can manage is to cut your wrist.Assembly You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover that you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the system administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rapidly shooting at everyone in sight.By the time you've written the gun, you are dead, and don't have to worry about shooting your feet. Alternatively, you shoot and miss, but don't notice.Using only 7 bytes of code, you blow off your entire leg in only 2 CPU clock ticks.BASIC Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.BCPL You shoot yourself somewhere in the leg; you can't get any finer resolution than that.C You shoot yourself in the foot.You shoot yourself in the foot and then nobody else can figure out what you did.C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."C# You shoot yourself in the foot, but first have to switch to unsafe mode.You forget precisely how to use the .NET interface and shoot yourself in the foot. You sue Microsoft for damages.Clipper You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail real soon now.COBOL USEing a COLT.45 HANDGUN, AIM GUN at LEG.FOOT, THEN PLACE ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN RETURN HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether SHOELACE needs to be retied.Allocate $500,000 for the project. Define foot, bullet, gun. Run press_trigger. Go for coffee break. Return in time to put foot under bullet.You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun won't fire unless it's aligned in column 8.Concurrent Euclid You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.CP/M You remember when shooting yourself in the foot with a BB gun was a big deal.CSS Everyone can now shoot themselves in the foot, but all their feet come out looking identical and attached to their ears.dBase You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.You squeeze the trigger, but someone corrupted the index and the bullet shoots you in the eye.You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.DCL $ MOUNT/DENSITY=.45/LABEL=BULLET/MESSAGE="BYE" BULLET::BULLET$GUN SYS$BULLET$ SET GUN/LOAD/SAFETY=OFF/SIGHT=NONE/HAND=LEFT/CHAMBER=1/ACTION=AUTOMATIC/LOG/ALL/GULL SYS$GUN_3$DUA3:[000000] GUN.GUN$ SHOOT/LOG/AUTO SYS$GUN SYS$SYSTEM:[FOOT] FOOT.FOOT%DCL-W-ACTIMAGE, error activating image GUN-CLI-E-IMGNAME image file $3$DUA240:[GUN] GUN.EXE;1-IMGACT-F-NOTNATIVE, image is not an OpenVMS Alpha AXP imageDelphi You try to shoot yourself in the foot but discover that the bullets you already had are not compatible with the new gun version, but Borland promises a fix real soon now.Eiffel You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects, and a BULLET object. The GUN passes both the FOOT objects as a reference to the BULLET. The FOOT objects increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET. A little demon then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs the bullet (both of it) on the way.You take out a contract on your foot. The precondition is that there's a bullet in the gun; the postcondition is that there's a hole in your foot.English You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.Forth Foot in yourself shoot.First you decide to leave the number of toes lost on the stack and then implement the word foot-toes@ which takes three numbers from the stack: foot number, range, and projectile mass (in slugs) and changes the current vocabulary to blue. While testing this word you are arrested by the police for mooning (remember, this is a bottom-up language) who demonstrate the far better top-down approach to damaging yourself.BULLET DUP3 * GUN LOAD FOOT AIM TRIGGER PULL BANG EMIT DEAD IF DROP ROT THEN. This takes about five bytes of memory, executes in two to ten clock cycles on any processor, and can be used to replace any existing function of the language as well as in any future words. Welcome to bottom-up programming, where you too can perform compiler pre-processing instead of actually writing code.FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets or toes, you continue anyway because no exception processing was anticipated.Haskell On a warm Saturday afternoon, sitting by the pool with a margarita, you casually sit up from your chaise lounge chair, reach over and pick up a gun, aim at your foot, and lazily pull the trigger.You shoot yourself in the foot very elegantly, and wonder why the whole world isn't shooting itself this way.You spend several hours creating a new copy of the Universe which is identical to the existing one except your foot has a hole in it. You then hear that it can be done more elegantly with Dyadic Functile Hyper-Arrows, but the very act of reading some of the included sample code causes one of your metatarsals to explode.HTML You cut a bullethole in your foot with nothing more than a small penknife, but you realize that to make it look convincing, you need to be using Dreamweaver.HyperTalk Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.You describe how to shoot yourself in the foot, which not only happens, but you also get cool visual effects.As of HyperTalk 2.2, you cannot shoot yourself in the foot from within the stack; you must write this functionality into an XCMD or XFCN. However, we anticipate this functionality to be incorporated into the next major release.IDL You easily shoot yourself in the foot, complete with neat little graphs showing the trajectory of the bullet and the result of the impact. After twenty hours and ten thousand lines of code, your friend proudly announces that he has accomplished the same thing in an Excel spreadsheet.Java You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot and put it on the Internet. People all over the world shoot themselves in the foot, and everyone leaves your website hobbling and cursing.You amputate your foot at the ankle with a fourteen-pound hacksaw, but you can do it on any platform.JavaScript You find that Microsoft and Sun have released incompatible class libraries both implementing Gun objects. You then find that although there are plenty of Foot objects implemented in the past in many other languages, you cannot get access to one. But, seeing as JavaScript is so cool, you don't care and go around shooting anything else you can find.LaTeX compy$ more foot_shooting.tex\documentclass[12pt]{article}\usepackage{latexgun,latexshoot}\begin{document}See how easy it is to shoot yourself in the foot? \\\gun[leftfoot]{shoot} \\\pain\end{document}compy$ latex foot_shooting...line 6: undefined control sequence \painLisp You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot...You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parenthesis.Linux You shoot yourself in the foot with a Gnu.Logo You can easily shoot the gun, but you have to work out the geometry to make sure the bullet goes into your foot.Mac OS (System 7) Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note "Bad F-line instruction."Mac OS (System 7.1) Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note "Error of type 1 has occurred."Mac OS 9 Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a window appears with the message "You need to install the latest version of CarbonLib. Should I get it for you?" You click "Yes" and your computer hangs.Mac OS X You try to shoot yourself in the foot from the GUI but the gun has inexplicably turned into a bag of Skittles.You open up the Terminal, type sudo shoot -p ~/Library/BodyParts/Preferences/foot.plist, and your kernel panics.Matlab You shoot yourself in the foot five times from the command prompt before you can put your foot in an m file.Once your foot is in an m file you shoot it fifty more ways effortlessly and then plot the results.Eventually you can't afford to continue shooting yourself in the foot this way, so you graduate to less elegant ways of shooting yourself in the foot with Excel.Modula-2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.MOO You ask a wizard for a pair of hands. After lovingly hand-crafting the generic gun and generic bullet, you flag the objects as fertile and then tell everyone they can now shoot themselves in the foot.Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.MS-DOS You finally find the gun, but you can't find the file with the bullets for the life of you.You shoot yourself in the foot, but you can unshoot yourself with add-on software.MPW Because you don't actually have a gun, you write an imitation UNIX shell and shoot yourself in the foot using Pascal..NET You can now shoot yourself in the foot with any of fourteen weapons, ranging from an antique medieval crossbow to a laser-guided Destructo-Beam. However, all these weapons must be manufactured by Microsoft and you must pay Microsoft royalties every time you shoot yourself in the foot.Objective-C You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.Occam You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.Oracle You decide to shoot yourself in the foot, so you go out and buy a gun, but the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, relational titanium-alloy bullets, body armor infrastructure, a laser sight assistant, a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistic experts and a chiropodist.The menus for coding foot_shooting have not been implemented yet, and you can't do foot_shooting in SQL.Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.The gun is mounted such that it cannot point towards your feet, but you can swivel it round and shoot yourself in the head instead.Perl You separate the bullet from the gun with a hyperoptimized regexp, and then you transport it to your foot using several typeglobs. However, the program fails to run and you can't correct it since you don't understand what the hell it is you've written.You stab yourself in the foot repeatedly with an incredibly large and very heavy Swiss Army knife.You shoot yourself in the foot and then decide it was so much fun that you invent another six completely different ways to do it.There are so many ways to shoot yourself in the foot that you post a query to comp.lang.perl.misc to determine the optimal approach. After sifting through 500 replies (which you accomplish with a short Perl script), not to mention the cross-posts to the perl5-porters mailing list for which you upgraded your first sifter into a package, which of course you uploaded to CPAN for others who might have a similar problem (which, of course, is the problem of sorting out e-mail and news, not the problem of shooting yourself in the foot), you set to the task of simply and elegantly shooting yourself in the foot, until you discover that, while it works fine in most cases, NT, VMS, and various flavors of Linux, AIX, and Irix all let you shoot you in the foot sooner than your Perl script could.PHP Three thousand people line up on your apartment's welcome mat and demand to be shot in their feet. One by one, you oblige them, but halfway through, the http connection times out and the crowd lynches you.PicoSpan You can't shoot yourself in the foot because you're not a host.Whenever you shoot yourself in the foot, someone opens a topic in policy about it.PL/1 After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.PostScript foot bullets 6 locate loadgun aimgun shoot showpageProlog You tell your program you wish to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.Python You shoot yourself in the foot and then brag for hours about how much more elegantly you did it than if you had been using C or (God forbid) Perl.You create a gun module, a gun class, a foot module, and a foot class. After realizing you can't point the gun at the foot, you pass a reference to the gun to a foot object. After the foot is blown up, the gun object remains alive for eternity, ready to shoot all future feet that may happen to appear.Revelation You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.Ruby You shoot yourself in the foot and then have to justify it to all your friends who are still naively using Perl.SAS You spend three hours trying to cut your way through your foot with a rock flake, only to realize that the language was invented before guns allowed you to shoot yourself in the foot interactively in one easy step with no programming.You have no idea that the gun, the bullet, or your foot exists. The gun is locked in a safe in a bank vault on the other side of the galaxy, the bullet is locked in a safe in a bank vault in another galaxy, and the people who know the combinations for the safes and bank vaults died ten million years ago. Still, the gun goes off and fires the bullet through your foot.Scheme You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot...but none of the other appendages are aware this is happening.You vaguely remember something from your Comp Sci 101 class about shooting yourself in the foot, but why should you waste your time shooting yourself using a functional programming language?sh, csh, etc. You can't remember the syntax for anything so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.SmallTalk You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.You shoot yourself in the foot and your foot sends doesNotUnderstand: Pain to your brain.You daydream repeatedly about shooting yourself in the foot.SML/NJ You program a structure for your foot, the gun, and the bullet, complete with associated signatures and function definitions. After two hours of laborious typing, forgetting of semicolons, and searching old Comp Sci textbooks for the definition of such phrases as "polymorphic dynamic objective typing system", as well as an additional hour for brushing up on the lambda calculus, you run the program and the interpreter tells you that the pattern-match between your foot and the bullet is nonexhaustive. You feel a slight tingling pain, but no bullethole appears in your foot because your program did not allow for side-effecting statements.SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).SQL You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau, and when it returns it has a hole in it, but it will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.UNIX % lsfoot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o% rm * .orm: .o: No such file or directory% ls%Visual Basic You'll only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it you won't care.You do a Google search on how to shoot yourself in the foot using Visual Basic. You find seventeen completely different ways to do it, none of which are properly structured. You paste the first example into the IDE and compile. It brushes your teeth.VMS %SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot (fifty lines of traceback omitted)Windows 3.1 Double-click the gun icon and wait. Eventually a window opens giving a selection for guns and target areas. Click the "shoot" button and a small box appears with the note "Unable to open shoot.dll, check that path is correct."Windows 95 Your gun is not compatible with this OS and you must buy an upgrade and install it before you may continue. Then you will be informed that you don't have enough memory.Windows ME There will be too many sudden reboots to allow the bullet to get through, so your foot hangs instead.Windows XP Some teenage hacker shoots you in the foot with ActiveX. You develop gangrene and die.XBase Shooting yourself is no problem, but if you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.Xcode Your Objective-C and Java programs now have nifty little graphical interfaces and will run on both PowerPC and x86-based architectures, but you still can't shoot yourself in the foot unless you're the superuser.XMLYou vaporize your entire lower half with a bazooka.You can't actually shoot yourself in the foot; all you can do is describe the gun in painful detail.Z You write out all the specification of your foot, the bullet, the gun, and the relevant laws of physics, but all you can do is prove that you can shoot yourself in the foot.

Please note, some stories might have been exaggerated over time. These stories are as factual as I remember them. There is a chance they weren't nearly as clever as my brain currently remembers them.I will not divulge the one I was a victim of that ended with me in full makeup giving a presentation in class without realizing I was in makeup. However, the best ones I pulled were as follows:Prank 1: CollegeMy freshman year of college (1994), we had things called "phone boxes" which were essentially little turning boxes between dorm rooms, that allowed two rooms to share a land line phone (these are phone that connect to "wires" and have to be "plugged in" to work for those of you born recently.) Most people didn't have cell phones then, so one would turn the phone in the appropriate direction, type in their personal code, then they could make a call, with the minutes being deducted from their phone allowance.Coincidentally, if you took the phone out of the box, and happened to have a friend in the hall who was rather small, they could slide through the box into the other dorm room. Which is perfect when you want to screw with your RA. We had a smaller person in our posse. He let us in our RAs room. We then took all of his belongings and stacked them into a precarious reverse pyramid in the center of his room. Our little dude then locked the door again and snuck back into his room. Ratings gold.Prank 2: Writing RetreatMy junior year, a few us got to be writing assistants and interns at a writing retreat for talented and produced writers. That particular year, Shane Black (writer of Lethal Weapon) and Robert Anderson (writer of I Never Sang For My Father) happened to be participants. This is irrelevant to the story, but none the less was fascinating to see when they interacted. I digress.The interns stayed in a special dorm with it's own huge kitchen, complete with giant cellophane rolls and cutters. Clearly action needed to be taken. You don't just turn down giant cellophane. Unfortunately, I was not the first to think of this. One of my friends decided it would be funny to put said cellophane on my toilet, so that I might have urination issues. The following events then commenced after I sprayed myself:As a counter assault, I wrapped her whole toilet in cellophane.As a counter to my counter, she placed a piece of sheet cake, wrapped in cellophane under my pillow.As a counter to her counter counter, I wrapped her bed in cellophane.As a counter to my counter to her counter counter, she wrapped the entire sheet cake in cellophane and stuck it under my covers after I had been out getting hammered. It was not the best way to have cake.As a final assault, I wrapped everything she owned, individually, in cellophane, then placed each item in its receptacle which I also wrapped in cellophane. Each item of clothing, every bit of loose change, every hat, every shirt, every hanger, every piece of luggage, every stick of gum, every sheet, every pillow, every towel, every brush, every single item in her room developed a nice sealant that was then wrapped into a larger package for her to open later. All her make up was individually wrapped, then placed in her makeup bag which was also wrapped. Suitcase, shower kit, etc. Everything.We thankfully then created the armistice that exists to this day.Prank 3.1: Dean CampaignOne of our favorite things to do on the campaign was take power naps in between 20 hour work shifts on a futon we had managed to get into HQ. One of our coworkers favorite things to do was to take photos of each of us when we were helpless and passed out, with a Will Work 4 Dean sign and random artifacts placed around us. It became a challenge that people would vow never to be photographed. They all lost. Here's mine:Prank 3.2: Dean CampaignOn the Dean campaign, we took over a old building that was falling apart as our volunteer HQ. It was a moldy dilapidated building from the 70s, complete with a shag carpet party room, and a upstairs with several offices made of wood paneling, windows between each one and glass doors. We named the mouse that hung out with us "Hob nob" as he ate all of the hob-nobs that our Irish staff member brought over from the homeland. It was ours to do with as we wished, and it was gross. One of the staff members had a bb rifle and we'd occasionally play target practice with the walls when bored.We also had a staff member who never understood boundaries and would constantly harass our tech team while they were coding for irrelevant feature requests. We made a sign specifically for him, telling him to stay out, to leave the coders alone, that he had to talk to me if he wanted anything. He routinely violated that rule.One day, the violator crossed the line for the 100th time. I told him to get out. He went out on field mission. I was bored and annoyed. I pulled out the BB rifle for normal target practice. I aimed for a wall. I fired. I didn't realize that a glass door was open and in front of said wall. What unfolded next was like straight out of a cartoon, where you watch the ice crack slowly, piece by piece, then shatter. The door slowly developed a crack over the course of a minute, all the way to the top, then shattered into a billion tiny pieces and fell to the floor in a pile.Over the next 30 minutes, as everyone declared my idiocy, we shoveled all the glass into the box. Right as the last pieces were placed in the box and shoved into the closet, violator showed up and went back into his office. He came back out, made another idiotic request to the coders, asked if anyone wanted anything to drink and headed back downstairs. In that instant, I yelled to the team, "Steal his door, flip over all his furniture."The next three minutes were a blur of action as the entire team of 7 people took his door, moved it to the place that I shot, turned over his desk, placed all his sundry items upside down on top of said desk, then we took a few pieces of the shattered door, placed them on top of the pile, with a note saying something to the effect of, "You didn't listen to the signs, it shattered my soul. I'm leaving, I don't know when and if I'll be back. - Your Door." (the actual message was less poetic, just go with it.)We sat back down just as he got upstairs. He walked to his office, said "funny, guys, where's my door?" We feigned ignorance, then spent the next two weeks delivering pieces of the door to him every time he stepped out.He harassed the coders less after that.