Northern Arizonas Voice On Mental Illness: Fill & Download for Free

Inspired by this question and all the responses in the Comments I thought this would be a good place to tell some jokes, pranks and stories about the USAF. In the Marine Corps, can you refuse to do a made-up task like finding chem light batteries or finding the Humvee keys or do you just have to go along with it?So, Short background, We have relatives that go WAY back with military service but more applicable to the US Air Force, my grandfather was a graduate of Berkeley aeronautical school for the fledgling Air Corp in 1918. Many people dont know the bastion of liberalism is a former military training school. He went to France and flew an orientation mission and one actual when the armistice was signed. I still have his certificate and his wings.My Dad, enlisted in 1942 and selected US Army air corp. Initially was supposed to be a B17 belly gunner but washed out of gunnery school for eyesight. He ended up as a radio man and navigation in SE Asia flying on mostly C46s and some C47s from what is now Pakistan and parts of India into China supporting Chang Kai Shek's nationalist army in what became known as the “Aluminum highway” over the Burma hump. Extremely dangerous. So Dad waited till much later in life to start a family but I ended up enlisting US AirForce and made him proud.So, I was terrified at not making it, or getting washed out so like many young airmen, I was nervous and constantly wondering what was going on. In the 1980s there was a crippling recession and they were doing “Quality force” which meant long delays waiting for a slot as well as the AF was blunt they had more applicants than openings so if you screwed up, Out you go!.In that context then (My answers tend to run long I am warning you) Many people blindly just jumped when someone said boo! and did not tend to question things too much when you were a newby. I had a friend who was USMC and as much of a smart ass as I am, Known as Mr Wild and comparing stories and experiences we both have issues with authority.. Mr Wild had a great quote I loved…“Instead of being labeled as behaviorally challenged or Anti-authority I prefer to think of myself as TOO INTELLIGENT TO TAKE ORDERS EFFECTIVELY!” RIP Mr. Wild, I miss you brother.So, I was warned by others about many things in the military from those who had “Been there, did that” But I admit I fell prey to being young and dumb at times.I already knew the old joke about Prop wash and flight line, But Im still in awe of some of the more creative jokes. I cant take credit for them all, Some were just often repeated war stories, Some I originated, Some I never admitted to until now. Since some of this is situational & Ill add explanations.#1) First is Fornicating and Marriage. For some reason, maybe its stress? Some people come into the military and have a short checklist.A) Enlist, B) Get a checking acct C) Learn that just because you have checks does NOT mean you still have money D) Get forced by the 1st sgt to take a financial mgmt course E) Get married. Yep,, I said it. Get married. Officer & Gentleman is a common scenario for all branches. So MANY people, especially ones I knew in the AF couldnt wait it seemed to get hitched and what we called “Bagged and tagged”, Many people married someone else in their tech school but I heard and knew of at least one that got engaged to a lady in another basic training unit.Often times, you got sent to Alaska or Koonson Korea while she went to Florida or Germany. When you see each other a year or 2 later you are strangers and wondering WHY? (Which is why adultery was so common when I was in, Literally institutionalized and why it was baffling they started prosecuting for it years later).In a misogynist admission, I knew many young airmen who preferred married women and there was some cougars and even officers wives who went after young guys, but one less worry about Child support if that person is married to someone else. Thats why these modern DNA kits have GOT to be creating some strange deviations in family trees. During long deployments, TDYs or even Hurricane/Monsoon parties in Asia if you did the math,, Lots of babies with suspect conception dates.BTW, to screw with people I refuse to give my Birthday, I have my reasons but to mess with their heads I say “I dont recognize that and Instead choose to celebrate conception dates!” (Watch their reactions as they process THAT!)Then, hand in hand was horny young recruits,,,The stories started in Basic training at Lackland AFB. Some was urban legends, some cautionary tales of “Dont do this” and some were actually true. In the 1980s at the Airmans club, there was a band that played there a LOT, and they did cover songs but had AF centric songs. And yes.. I bought their cassette. If you remember rocking out to songs like “Lackland Lasers” & ballads like “What town are you from?” raise your hand. Prior to the AF I used to play in bands and chose not to pursue music as a career so tried to hang out with the band. They told us that Recruits had knocked boots in the back of the bands RV, and on the loading dock of the club as well as many cases of people actually screwing IN Dumpsters! I heard from a guy who bedded down another recruit in a porta pottie and it wasnt just one time! (Now THATS horney and desperate!)** Full disclosure, I never actually had sex at basic, But REALLY wanted to! I still have photos of 2 lovely young ladies I tried to maintain a relationship with. They had a photo booth and my wife says I was pathetic seeing them years later. I wont embarrass them by posting here, but it was pretty low key. Holding hands and kissing. But I wasnt looking to get married either but many people DID!Now at tech school in Northern Texas close to Oklahoma was Sheppard AFB and I was a 43151 Tact Acft technician (AKA Crew Chief which I thought sounded important,, Im a CHIEF!, Although to be fair my DI made fun of me when we got our assignments for school and told another DI “Can you believe they are sending this idiot to crew chief school?”)But we heard OFTEN the story which might or might NOT be true about a amorous couple knocking boots out in a field. The story went that the couple unknowingly were going missionary on top of a Texas red ant nest, Which are legendary for their stinging ability. The story went that the guy thought he was doing great as the young lady was bucking and shrieking but then caught a few stinger missles on his exhaust nozzle himself. They were (Allegedly) sent to the base hospital and got Art 15s for misconduct and damage to AF property.** True story, When entering basic, I got lucky (Literally and figuratively) in the most epic way possible, which is a story in itself the night before flying to Texas. The wonderful girl, Sent me as well with Hickies all over my neck and torso. DONT EVER DO THAT. I got a lot of flack at Basic over it and they CAN literally punish you under the UCMJ for stupidity such as Hickies, Sunburns or even venereal diseases. (never had VD)So what happened when I got there to Sheppard? Well a few days in we had a weekend and it was some sort of Base holiday party. 4th of July Anyway they served beer and a huge festival so yes,, I got drunk and made an ass out of myself and YES,, there is pictures. But no sex in a field.But anyone who served at Sheppard AFB knows about “Pingers” Thats because ALL the telephone and power poles were made out of metal. (Never saw that before and surprised to see) So young recruits right out of basic are stoked to actually be on a active Air Base and spend most of their time staring up into the sky looking at the planes and as a result walk into traffic, fall off sidewalks and on a cool Texas summer night, all over the base you can hear “PING” and thats another Airman who walked into a Metal pole. You can spot them a mile away as they have a welt or wound on their faces.They trained pilots there too so the air was THICK with trainers and other acft.So again, we started hearing about the more common pranks, But it went to a whole NEW level at the following bases I was stationed at. Initially they told me I was going to Tinker AFB Oklahoma and I was upset! Other veterans I knew I spoke to (We had some close family friends who had just got out of the Air Force) and they said Tinker was the arm pit of Oklahoma. So, I was annoyed but relieved when I got orders to Mt Home AFB Idaho. Home of the 366th TFW and some other units. Now,, I am from Oregon, I can see Idaho in a road trip and NOT my idea of seeing the world. Not when there was beer to drink and Frauleins to chase in Germany. (My last 2 weeks at tech school they nicknamed me “Tater” & I was dismayed that the Idaho license plate was sloganed “Famous Potatoes!”)** Its either cold as hell, or blazingly hot at Mt Home..So I get to Mt Home and on the way in, I was surrounded by parched and blackened Desert. Miles and miles of smoking and charred desert. I thought it was like “ Apocalypse Now!” & HST and in my best narrative voice bemoaned….“The Crazy bastards bombed and napalmed themselves!”I learned of course that Idaho Range fires are common and even got a commendation for fighting one of those fires later on. But it was clear a LOT of people were not happy stationed at Mt Home and the AB road had a gas station and store outside the gate with T Shirts “Happiness is Mt Home AFB in the rear view mirror!”So the hijinks began and things were wilder than later years. Parties and crazy behavior. Due to Graham-Rudman and “Quality of Force” a lot of the wild folks got kicked out or forced out. Many stories on that, But heres some good ones I learned while moving from a newby 3 level to 5 level.I got to be friends with another failed rockstar musician in the Hospital squadron. (Hosp Sq has all the cute women) so John was a bass player in some Seattle bands but was now a immunization tech at the base hospital. I learned some great stories of pranks he often played.The best was the PAP Smear shot. When you inprocess we were mobility units and worldwide commitment so our shot cards and records book showed we got every possible immunization and shots for anywhere we could end up. I cant even pronounce some of the stuff they gave us. So many traumatized airmen with rounds after rounds of shots were already shell shocked so when John explained to likely targets, (Not every one was selected,,only those clearly naive or stupid) that “Heres the way it works. I see by your records you have to get tested, and if you fail, for the next 6 months you come back every week for 8 of these shots, So you wear this patch and it HAS to go on your forehead, If it turns blue you have to get the shots. If it falls off, you STILL have to get the shots so dont let it fall off or lose it, You have to wear it for 72 hrs and no less” He also explained not everyone had to get tested, But its best to just try and pass the test instead of questioning it.Many fell for it. It was common to see freaked out pingers walking around holding their hand to their forehead, Others would use their hats to hold it in place, I saw guys with Duct tape holding it on. Now picture Idaho in the summer and you can see the issues. I once saw a guy running down the flight line chasing a round piece of paper and it was the patch. NOTE: John used big round EKG patches or something similar. A shower or Sweating would leave you in peril.He also had 2 dartboards in his shot clinic and it was covered with Syringes and he claimed he could hit a running airman in the ass at 15 yards. Another that was fun was he had a huge syringe about 3 feet long he kept in a cabinet. If someone really annoying came in, Even officers, or especially naive he would fret and tut to himself over a persons records and then lock eyes with them and say…..”I am afraid I have bad news……….” and opened the slider door and pulled out that Syringe (Maybe it was a teaching aid,, I still wonder where he got it) and no joke, people would run out of his office, Some screamed and a few fainted.So, onto the flightline it got weirder. (As HST , or Hunter S Thompson famously quoted “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!”) So we had this guy named Bernie. A real smart guy but sometimes too smart for his own good. Bernie roomed down the hall from me at the EMS squadron dorm. Bernie was told to go get a Metric crescent wrench. He was gone 1/2 the day and it pissed off the NCOs and older guys. He actually came back after lunch strolling into the place with his cocky demeanor and actually HAD one! I SH*T you not he actually FOUND a metric crescent wrench. Everyone wanted to see it. It said right on the handle and specc’ed the length of the handle or overall length of the tool. I wonder if a tool crib guy special ordered it just for these sorts of occasions. I was impressed!So there was another guy we called Binky. I cant remember why he got that nickname but he was a little guy and kind of wet behind the ears. I joked with him on some things but the best one was one of the NCOs sent him to the tool crib. We were working in Phase docks/AR shop/Hilift. (Periodic maint on jets, F-111s Aka “Wonder lemons”. AR Shop was Aero repair and dedicated to certain systems on the acft and Hilift was the dept that fixed flight controls and surfaces). So in the tool crib and supplies was a matronly woman Tsgt. She was not fat. But she was BIG! Brawny,,,Think Iowa or Montana farm girl. Binky was around 115–120 pounds soaking wet & around 5′2″. This lady was slightly over 6ft and I cant guess on the weight but she could hold her own in football lets say.Jason sent him in for 6 ft of Fallopian Tube and make sure you get the spiral wrap,, none of that heat shrink type. We giggled and laughed,, well we hear screams and banging noises that sounded expensive. That Tsgt either was working out her aggressions and having fun with it OR popped her cork and was tired of the constant pranks, I never found out but we all ran in there and Binky was getting a literal “Wall to wall counseling session” The story went she grabbed him by his uniform shirt and pulled him off his feet and into the tool crib and when we ran in she had him well off the ground and body slamming him into cabinets, tool boxs and equipment racks and she was beet red and screaming at him. Her pigtail braids came undone and were flying about like a enraged viking warrior. we had told him its a specialized material to wrap the flight controls in and sections of throttle cables on the F111s. More on specialized tape below.We had a 4 foot counter separating us and poor Binky was terrified by this Amazon woman. The Chief came in, (A doddering alcoholic with a foul temper, I hated that guy! Chief Ballard go F**K yourself!) But he shut it down quick. Poor Binky.. we took him to the NCO club for beers afterwards.Another was a “Nose wheel brake alignment tool” Cargo and fighter jets have amazingly complex brake systems and usually are multi plate with anti skid. Because of the weight loads and heat,, They are big beasts to work on and require frequent service. However, to fit the acft wheels you have to align the multiple rotors and stators so the wheels notches fit. * Screw it up and bad things happen. So trainees were slightly intimidated and freaked out working on them. So many suspended any disbelief and just followed orders.However on many acft, there is NO brakes on the nose! For the same reason on a bicycle on a wet street while turning you risk an endo or a high side crash if you lock up the front brake so most acft DONT have nose brakes! So a few spent a long time looking for that tool, others realized at the first tool crib when people cringed or laughed at them.Light All Turn ON! Was a popular one in FTD school (Field Training attch. for your career field where you got On the job training before sent to a shop or assignment) So we had these big generator and lighting units. In AGE shop they had a designation for them (Acft generation Equip) LAU 1 or something like that.They were about 4ft wide and 8ft long and triangular shaped with a big space inside and a Scissor lift on top that had 2 huge lighting units. I never understood why there was so much room inside unless other models held other gear, But you could literally CLIMB INSIDE these units. They cautioned us to never climb in to warm up in freezing weather., (Carbon monoxide) but it was powered by a gasoline engine generator that powered the lights and enough extra to run any kind of equipment 220v, 110v etc..But our instructor, a former US marine and now USAF Ssgt told us that a few were upgraded to voice and remote control. He demonstrated by us standing on the flightline and began yelling at a nearby Light ALL, and sure enough, it fired up!So the joke was then,, get a trainee to try, “Hey you,, step up here, you try and show us how its done!” So of course you yell, you scream, you flap your arms and hop up & down and the damn thing wont turn on. The instructor,,,I have heard many have done this all over the world then does a song and dance routine andA) Hmmm, Maybe it needs service or a tune up, lets try this other oneB) Airman, go check the fuel level and battery status!C) Simply,, “Airman you loser,, yell louder! WTF,, What kind of pussy are you I said YELL!.. damn,, a Marine would have it on by now c’mon you useless turd yell!”Of course the light all does NOT turn on, everyones laughing at you and the coup de gras is our instructor then turns in disgust and says “Ill show you how a Marine does it!” and of course it fires up promptly at his command. What we didnt realize but became aware of someone had climbed in and was hiding inside and activating the controls inside (Dual controls exterior and inside).Overall he was a great instructor and we all really liked him, During our 6 week training we learned that when burned out in tech discussions we could side track him be asking him to talk about his drag racer he had (He raced it in Boise and other regional tracks) But a gory but funny thing about him was, He was missing one of his middle fingers. Rather than some drama of a gunfight in south America, He told us he lost it in the Marines jumping out of a Deuce & 1/2 truck. It was ALL about safety and he had a wedding band on, Grabbed the chain across the rear of the truck swung out his legs and did a gymnast vault out of the truck. His wedding ring hung up on the chain and thats where his finger and him parted company. He just had a stump.So out on the flightline or in the hangers, We had a Idaho winter coming in and its COLD! So it was constantly amusing to see his hand with his cold weather gloves and that one finger wobbling as it was just a stump.So, one weekend in Boise we found a Joke and novelty shop at Karcher mall. I bought a rubber gag finger for halloween. When we graduated FTD I wrapped it up in a little box with gift wrap and a bow. We told him we appreciated the school and lessons and since he was such a cool guy, We got you a little gift. So like a little Engagement ring or necklace box on a bed of cotton was this fake rubber finger with fake blood on it. We told him he could stuff it in his glove so it wouldnt catch on anything and stop flopping around.It WAS AWKWARD,, I still to this day am not sure if he thought it was funny or was annoyed, but being former USMC I doubted he was too butt hurt. Maybe, Just maybe he had a whole drawer full of them and many classes did the same prank? Ill never know, But heres to you TSgt LeBarre! (he got promoted right after our class, maybe for putting up with us!So we had another guy, I knew him from basic all thru tech and we ended up not only the same base, but same squadron and same dorm. We ALL teased him a lot, and truly, Dude I am sorry for the some of the stuff we did and how at times you were treated. Looking back, some of it was uncool, I wont embarrass him by name but he wanted us to all call him “Chick” apparently everyone was Charles in his family but several were cowboys or something and they all were Chick, chick jr and so on. We thought that was terrible and dumb so we never called him Chick. But we will use that here.Chick was actually a nice guy and probably really intelligent, Some people really smart lack social skills or lack common sense, I suspect Chick was one of them but he did some crazy stuff. The worst was, He poked himself in the eye with stainless safety wire. On a airplane EVERYTHING is safety wired, cotter pinned, lock nutted or glued together. So we spent a LOT of time mastering safety wire skills and most of it is .032 thou stainless wire and you twist it to secure nuts and bolts. We used special pliers that enabled you to do it quickly.Its a specialized skill and all acft techs have to master it. Chick got crazy and literally punctured his eye ball with that safety wire. (Good thing it was not rusty bailing wire eh??). When that happens QA (Quality assurance, the inspectors) and the safety officers collectively freak out when ever there is an injury from a paper cut up to severing a head or squashing a head or body flat (Ive seen it happen, not something you want to see)So the safety Officers, QA and everyone from the top down gave us daily safety briefings on the dangers of poking out your eyes. So, then he did it AGAIN! Like a few months later and he was seen walking around with a big eye patch. For a while we were told that we could face a Art 15, LOR Or other punishments if we were caught using safety wire without safety googles on. ALL Because of Chick!Man,, we were ALL pissed off at him. I think they put him in the tool crib after that or dorm mgr and took away his access to tools and sharp pointy things. Eventually the rules were eased and we didnt have to have safety googles.I have some gory stuff thats not really funny, Ill skip that here,Some stuff you hear, we laughed or joked about but out of context, someone getting hurt is not funny and we saw some of that. but they told us that ALWAYS use tech data and when big warning signs or DANGER is in the TO (Technical orders, workshop manuals in the AF) someone died, got hurt or a serious accident so safety is literally NO JOKE!But heres one that got some guys in trouble. Rattle snakes. Idaho has them! So in most shops everyone likes to think they are important so people also got up into Yo’ business sometimes. Sometimes it was a good thing and thanks to all you who put up with me and kept me out of trouble, but sometimes you just wanted to tell people F**K off! Stay out of my SH*T!. So we had this Tsgt with a sense of humor. Besides his bad gas.. The sadistic bastard would purposely eat foul substances when he knew he was running launch crews in the AM during the winters.Subzero temps with the wind howling during an Idaho winter or a TDY up to Cold lake Canada where surprisingly in January its COLD as hell! So Ricky would eat foul nasties and then next day in the 6 pack truck would rip the nastiest farts and laugh maniacally. We had senior officers come out to our launch truck and wonder why 5 guys were hanging out windows gagging in subzero temps while we were SUPPOSED to be supporting the days schedule of launches. Ricky was laughing his head off. Surprised he didnt get sent to mental health.Another prank Ricky did, was if you had a part in a box in our ready room, It seemed like everyone would immediately go over and open the box to see what was in there. This had its reasons,, in certain conditions if it was for an urgent repair the clock started ticking as soon as the part was issued from supply and if there was a delay someones ass was going to be in a wringer. But mostly it was just a whole shop full of alpha busy bodies. So Ricky caught a baby rattle snake and put it in a supply box with no labels and then applied DANGER tags on it.Sure enough, every asshole thru the door zoomed straight in and “Whats this?” and opened up the box. Ricky would yell “Mind yer own F**KING BUSINESS!”So it scared the living shit out of everyone opening the box. One guy heard and felt the snake inside and dropped it and stepped away, but many threw the whole box and snake across the room. (That poor snake). They didnt get me, but its just as well, Snakes terrify me and NCO or not, I would have gave him a tune up with a ball peen hammer.About a few months later someone froze a rattle snake with Liquid oxygen which we used in the planes, and then threw it across the flightline at another troop, It shattered into pieces and man did it stink when it thawed out! But Liquid oxygen is highly explosive so the safety goons shut down the fun with snakes and standing orders of UCMJ if caught with a Idaho Rattler.Another variation I saw overseas was, Back in the 1980s in the back of porn magazines, there was ads for all kinds of stuff including sex toys. Another NCO with a wicked sense of humor bought several dildos, pocket P***ys and his triumphant master piece was a blow up sex doll with a inflater from the survival shop. When some busy body came in to the shop or tool crib and saw a mystery box they got freaked out with a huge dildo or other sex toy but the blow up doll was epic fun. He had an EOD (Explosives Ordinance Disposal) tech rig up the box with a micro switch. When you lifted the folded over flaps it triggered a CO2 cartridge and like a bomb went off you ended up with Marilyn Chambers or Candy Darling up front and personal ready for a hot one night stand.No amount of stuffing it back in the box was going to work,,A few times this went off and Officers or Pilots came in and heres a very embarrassed acft tech man handling a life sized sex toy. THAT Folks never got old! If you ever looked in the parking lot of a bunch of acft mechanics & techs and see their personal vehicles and then some of the crazy stuff we did, it was no wonder some pilots were scared to fly the planes.** I was told that I seemed to enjoy ABDR way too much, (Acft Battle Damage Repair) and this was training in case of a global war, do whatever you can to keep birds in the air, even if it was beer cans, Duct tape and broom handles to do it. Think Hillbilly redneck repairs. Dont laugh, its real. Theres pictures on the net of a civilian plane that was mauled by a bear in the Alaskan bush and it was patched up with Duct tape, a LOT of it and flown back to a FSBO for repair,. Theres a reason its called 100mph tape. Angry bear rip your plane apart? Duct tape can put you back in the air - Geek.comTape? ever heard of F4 tape? I dont know the official name for it but its a sticky stretchy tape and used to wrap some electrical wiring and other sensitive electrical gear. You got rolls of it from tool crib and everyone had a stash of it. But besides electrical wraps, If you stretched it out it made a really good bouncy tennis ball, and on Deployments when we were bored we played baseball with it and if you connect it can sail! But many people just threw it at others and getting hit in the head with a F4 tape ball is not pleasant. I heard of a guy who threw one at a young airman he was torturing and a Smsgt came thru the door and caught it across the face spilling his coffee. NEVER spill a senior NCOs coffee! They all walk around with Coffee cups and God save you for screwing with their life support liquid in any way. Most were drinking it cover up their hang overs…So, this last one, If you are easily offended dont read further. Its tame by USMC or Army standards but its rude and crude. This is one I came up with after hearing about a tamer version. The “Air Speed indicator check!” On deployments, TDYs (Temp duty assignment Elsewhere,. and no I dont know why its not TDE) you get bored or too much non stop work for weeks and you find odd ways to unwind, especially if you cant drink.So I had variations of this and possible others have done this too but here is what we did. Overseas we often flew out of Fwd operating zones and trained for it as well as what if critical systems or services were inop or not availible, So as part of your OJT and skills development we did constant training. So nobody questioned it when we told some newbys that doing flight controls adjustments and calibrations, That it was critical to calibrate the instruments. Most acft have a pitot tube which looks like a humming bird beak on the nose of acft, If you look there is also smaller tubes and sensors in other spots such as side of the planes or on the tops.So we told these new guys tha to get their required upgraded 5 levels we needed to do a manual calibration of the Air Speed indicator. Inside the cockpit is a hive of switches, knobs, display panels and equipment. Airspeed is the most important instrument on the plane.We took a maint stand out to a F-16 on the flightline courtesy of Hahn AB Germany who were in the middle east at the time, I sat in the cockpit with the hatch open. We lectured the new guys,,“Now hey, this WILL look embarrassing but truthfully its how we have to do this, Its in the Deployment T.O as well, you can read it when we get back to Ops. but right now I need you to stand on that platform, Ill set up the flight computer, and when I yell, I need you to BLOW as hard as you can into the Pitot tube there. Now if you see people laughing, they know what we are doing and trust me, everyone has to do it so they have been there too,, but now its your turn!”So you REALLY had to sell it, and not everyone fell for it, But if you sold it right and could keep a straight face, it was the funniest damn thing. Out there on miles of paved flight line, and picture the wing commander doing a survey of operations and here is some deviants apparently performing fellatio on your mighty warplane while a loon is sitting in the cockpit whooping, yelling and slapping the skin of the plane and appearing in the full throes of sexual bliss and orgasm. And yes….. we got caught. We got yelled at and I got knocked around by some pissed off trainees, But I bet those officers had a good war story of WTF over drinks at the O Club. I am sure there is lots of officers who have their own stories.So the last one, was told to me and everyone else at 39th CAMs support sq at Incirlik AB Turkey. I wanted to transfer to A10s, and second choice was a F15 or F16 unit as I knew the F-111 was an outdated dinosaur. So we had a guy, literally looked like and the same last name as the movie actor Joe Pesci. He was a Tsgt and maybe the last name was spelled different but that was his name. Tsgt Joe Pesci. So this is less funny than it is amazing. I loved Joes stories and especially anything about Arizona as he used to be stationed there, I wanted to go there BAD!So Joe told us an allegedly true story about the biggest cajones in the USAF and it paying off. No one wanted to get PCS’ed (Perm. change of Station, Mil. Orders to a new unit or post) to a crappy assignment. We all had our dream duty stations and there was some legendary bad ones as well. (Why Not Minot SD, Welcome to hell, Alamogordo NM and some say Mt Home AFB Idaho, or Incirlik AB Turkey)So it was often “Tell us another story about Arizona Uncle Joe,,, Puuhhlease?) and one day he did. I believe it to because its too crazy to make up. Joe said they had a new guy show up at his old unit. No one was expecting him as a new assignment but that was not unheard of. When I got to Turkey they told me they were not expecting me for another 2 weeks, I talked it over with a buddy and we ALMOST went back to Germany for a freebie vacation, But chickened out. Sure enough someone would charge us with AWOL.So back in the day, you got a inch to 1.5 inch thick of Military orders,All the same pages,, about 60–80–100? At MAC terminals (Mil Airlift command) Passenger terminals, new units, supply squadron, records, transportation, and every place you process into for your gear, supplies, flights, taxis, hotels and billeting, dorms or where ever you went you just tore off a copy of your orders. Everyone filed them away and hardly ever did anyone actually read them. Processing troops for a deployment you might have 300 troops in a room handing you stacks of these things so very rare anyone actually took the time to read the things. (I still have copies of all mine, every assignment, TDY training or deployment whatever you got these).So this guy just shows up at Joe’s base insists THIS is where THEY told me to go. Sold it well too. He had his training records and he was a highly trained and skilled guy with already a great resume of military service so, every commanders and NCOIC wet dream to get a wonder troop like this guy drop in your lap!Now inprocessing usually takes up to 30 days or longer before you sign off the whole checklist. (Really,, some its classes and orientation courses, Some its bioweapons training, or drivers license recurrent certification for all the AF vehicles you are qualified for)So about 3 weeks in, Somebody catches on somethings fishy. Screech! They start digging and find out this guy is pulling a total scam! Unit Commander, Base Commander, the entire legal dept of the staff judge advocates office, The mental health team, and OSI (Office of Special Investigations, Like the TV show NCIS or FBI for the Airforce) So 6 heavily armed Security police grab this guy and they have a confab meeting and asking WTF is your major malfunction???We called it a song & dance routine or Dog & Pony show. When you are in Deep deep shit in the military, Some folks can pull off a hail Mary and sell the BS.This guy stood up to all these officers and other personnel and said…“I know! I know I am NOT supposed to be here and I KNOW I am assigned to BumF**K Egypt or where ever. But I really REALLY wanted to be stationed here and thought I would give it a shot and see if I could make it work. Technically I am NOT AWOL from my assigned duty station because as you know with a PCS I get travel time as well as an auto 30 days leave. I have been working here and doing inprocessing on my own leave time, so technically I still have 10 days before I am required to report to BFE!”.Nobody could believe it, But they were so impressed with his skills, training and credentials as well as the sheer bravery or insanity they had to figure out what to do with him. Legal dept was confused if he actually broke any laws in the UCMJ and technically they could nail him with a number of things but no one had heard of anyone pulling off this stunt so everyone was in shock and amazed.Some one pulled strings, called Randolph AFB in Texas and got this guys orders changed to Joes base and it all worked out. Maybe its an epic AF urban myth, But I have heard some crazy stories and that was so crazy,, it has to be true.So, I hope you enjoyed my rambling.